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[0:00] Dear Carol, when I left the house this morning, I knew something had to change and I'm afraid that something is me.! You're more important to me than anything else, but I haven't acted like it.

[0:12] When a heel like me can see how lucky he is to be married to such a special lady, there's still hope. I really love you. Jerry.

[0:26] Every marriage needs a little of that special magic we call romance. Marriages must be nurtured like any other living thing with daily care, touching, and conversation. Left untended, all kinds of emotional weeds can grow up, creating resentment rather than romance.

[0:43] In this final session of the Marriage Enrichment Seminar, Dr. Carl Brackeen continues his presentation on sexuality in marriage. Now, in part two, Renewing Romance in Marriage, he focuses on things both husbands and wives can do to ensure that special spark stays alive in their marriage.

[1:00] And now, Dr. Carl Brackeen with Renewing Romance in Marriage. We've talked about the place of sex in God's design.

[1:15] And now we want to focus on how that relationship works to build romance and joy and celebration in the marriage relationship.

[1:28] Because I'm convinced that the sexual relationship should be celebration. But that's really what God intended for it to be. It's celebration of life together.

[1:39] That says to each other, I love you ecstatically and enjoy immensely our shared life. Let me share with you a little chart that I believe will be helpful in understanding the next several things that we're going to be talking about.

[1:57] If you think of that circle in terms of the marriage relationship. And then if in the circle you put a series of T's represent points of touching.

[2:14] And then you put the sexual relationship there. Those points of touching represent all the places that two people's lives touch. They may touch physically, but they may only touch emotionally.

[2:25] For example, my life touches my wife's life if I'm in New Jersey. It's rather remote, but our lives are so intertwined that any decision that I make, any choice, that I make, anything that I do touches her even though remotely because our lives are so intertwined.

[2:44] But Paul and I call our wives every night when we're away from home, so we pick up the telephone and our lives touch. It's very important how we talk to each other and what we share. And we always share words of love when we touch, even though it's long distance.

[2:58] If I'm at the office and I pick up the phone to call her or she picks up the phone to call me, our lives touch. And then of course when we're at home, visually our lives touch.

[3:09] And then there are times physically when our lives touch. But in all of those places of touching in the marriage relationship, there is important communication going on.

[3:22] And so, what happens is that if these points of touching are characterized by negative behavior patterns, let me give you a series.

[3:33] Criticism, nagging, scolding, demeaning, unthoughtfulness, selfishness.

[3:45] You can make a long list of negative behavior patterns and if those points of touching are characterized by negative behavior patterns, they will destroy the sexual relationship.

[3:58] The sexual relationship cannot survive if the other points of touching in a marriage relationship are characterized by negative behavior patterns. On the other hand, if those points of touching are characterized by positive behavior patterns, such as thoughtfulness and kindness and patience and generosity and concern and unselfishness and affirming words.

[4:25] If those points of touching are characterized by positive behavior patterns, they build and enhance the sexual relationship between two people so that the sexual relationship actually can become celebration of life together.

[4:44] That celebration suggests to us that if two people want to improve their sex life, the place to begin is not with mechanics. But with the relationship itself.

[4:55] Because two people who don't get along the 23 and a half hours that they are not sharing the intimate relationship are not going to get along very well in the most intimate dimension of their lives.

[5:20] Because the sexual relationship is a part of communication. Now, earlier in the seminar, Paul talked to you a couple of hours about communication.

[5:31] And I want to share some things with you right now about communicating affection in marriage. Communication is so important. And the question that is asked in this particular part is, how do you say I love you?

[5:45] And one of the things that it's very important to remember is that there is both verbal and non-verbal communication. Let me sketch it out like this. One important University of Minnesota study says that only 7% of a message is carried by words.

[6:02] That this part is carried by context. It's 55%. And that the other 38% is carried by tone of voice.

[6:17] Now, most of us are aware of that. You're aware that you get messages not only by words, but by tone of voice and by what's going on in the relationship. Let me give you two or three examples of that.

[6:29] One, I can say words to you that are completely negated by the tone of voice and the way I say it, can't I? I can say, I love you. And, you know, you might say, what did you say?

[6:43] I'm sorry, I got a mixed message. What do you mean? You heard the words, didn't you? Yeah, I heard the words. But the tone of voice didn't match. What did you say? I said I love you. Well, the words said I love you.

[6:54] The tone of voice said get off my back and leave me alone. Don't ask me again. I told you I loved you when I married you and if I ever changed my mind I'll let you know. But don't, you know, don't fuss at me about saying those words.

[7:07] Well, the words carry only a small portion of the message. Let me give you another illustration. That happened to me some weeks ago now, but I pulled up in my automobile and parked beside another automobile one night.

[7:24] It was dark. As I got out of my automobile, inadvertently the door struck the door of the car beside me. No big deal, it often does.

[7:37] But there was a young lady's voice that came from the car that said, Way to go, just knock the door in. I said, It's all right.

[7:52] It's got a rubber along there to hit that on and I banged it twice more. And then I closed my door. And you see, you think, horrors, you didn't do that.

[8:03] Yes, I did. You see, the rest of the story is that I was parked in my driveway. And the car that I parked beside was my daughter's boyfriend's car. And she, my 17 year old daughter and a young man were sitting in the car.

[8:19] And so as I struck the door, this was Stacy's way of saying, Hi, Dad, I'm here. You see, that's not what the words said. Words said, way to go.

[8:33] Just knock in the door. And when I said, It's all right. It's got a rubber band around there for me to hit it on. Bam, bam. I was saying, Hi, Stacy. I'm glad to be home.

[8:49] Glad you're there. Let me give you another illustration. At a facility out on campus. About a week ago, we were all eating barbecue outside.

[9:00] Do you remember? There was a woman that walked up to get a chair, a vacant chair, that was right over from me. And she didn't see me. And as she picked up the chair, I said, Where are you going to that chair?

[9:11] Now you would realize if I told you that one first, where I was going with all of this, because that's a dear friend. And when she looked up, she said, Oh, hi, Carl. I'm taking it over there to my friend.

[9:22] I said, You be careful with that chair. She said, Okay. You see, the words carry only about 7% of the message. And it's very important for us to realize that.

[9:34] But there is verbal communication, and then there's nonverbal communication. How do you say, I love you? Communicating affection in marriage. Well, first of all, you say it with words, and that's very important.

[9:46] It's important that two people say to each other, I love you. It's important that they say it often. It's important that they say it daily. Secondly, it's important for two people to say to each other, I need you.

[9:57] Thirdly, it's important for two people to pay compliments to each other. Mark Twain said, I can live a month on a good compliment. And most of us can too. It's important for husband and wife to compliment each other.

[10:10] And then fourthly, it's important for partners to be complimentary in talking to other people about each other. Now, that's the verbal part of it, and it sounds fairly simple, and yet it's violated by so many of us in our communication with each other.

[10:24] But when you come to the nonverbal, you realize that the verbal becomes meaningless and hollow and can even be insulting if it is not matched by the life that we live and by the relationship in toto.

[10:36] For example, if I tell my wife I love her while I'm beating her over the head with something, the words are going to be unbelievable to her. And so for me to tell her every day I love you while not acting like I love her violates the communication that I'm trying to pass along to her.

[10:53] And so it's important for two people to be careful of the attitude and the tone behind the words that we speak because that attitude and that tone communicates. It's very important for us to be thoughtful of each other's feelings in every word that we speak.

[11:08] It's extremely important for us to listen adoringly. And then another thing that's important for us is to study each other's needs. Husbands, you need to study your wife's very unique needs.

[11:20] And wives, you need to study your husband's very unique needs. A man's special needs are to be respected, to be admired, to feel that he's needed and appreciated, to feel that he's competent, to feel that he's really worthwhile.

[11:33] A woman's needs are for security, both physical and emotional security, the physical security of being safe, the emotional security of knowing that her husband loves her and cares for her and is going to be constant in his commitment to her.

[11:49] She needs her human dignity preserved. And the basic part of that is how her husband feels about her and her role in their family and in life. She needs assurance that she's loved and she needs assurance that she's treasured.

[12:00] Love asks, what does this person need? And then gives it. Now, let me share with you some ways that we perceive that we are loved.

[12:11] These are very familiar. But one of the things that I want to do is to take the five senses and to talk about some ways that we perceive that another human being loves us. One of the ways is by touch.

[12:24] Do you realize how important touch is in our lives? Do you realize how important it is to a baby, for example, to be touched? There's a book written by Ashley Montague called Touching in which Dr. Montague studies the importance of touching in a person's life and shows that a person cannot develop along healthy lines unless there is regular, loving touching going on.

[12:51] But that's included in our lives too, isn't it? All of us need to be touched. Have you ever been standing, perhaps, at church with a circle of friends talking? And you feel a touch on your elbow or on your shoulder and you have to peek and see who loves you?

[13:06] Because somebody just passed by who loves you and you don't want to miss any of that. We perceive that we are loved by people who reach out to us and touch us. A second way that we perceive that we are loved is by what we see.

[13:19] Such things as grooming and the figure and cleanliness say, I love you and I care about you and I realize that you are here and that you are important.

[13:30] A third is by sounds that we hear. The sounds of laughter, the sounds of music, the sounds of happiness, the sounds of gaiety, the sounds of love. And you can name a lot of sounds of love.

[13:42] One of the ones that impresses me the most is the sound of laughter. Do you realize how important laughter is to a relationship? How important laughter is to a marriage? Several years ago, Smitty and I were trying to get the kids down to bed about 10 o'clock at night.

[13:58] And you know, a long late in high school, that gets to be an impossible task. So about 10 o'clock we would go get our pajamas on and we would come back and watch the news. And usually, along about 10.30 or a little bit after, we would give it up finally and tell them, Y'all go on to bed pretty quickly and we would retire for the evening.

[14:15] But I remember one of those nights we had gone and put on our pajamas and we had come back to watch the news. And we were still sitting there. She was sitting in my green chair, all rocked back, had one arm out over the armrest.

[14:27] I was sitting next to her in another chair. And we were laughing together about something. And suddenly it occurred to me how important this was in our relationship. And I reached over and I got her a pinky.

[14:38] You ever hold pinkies? That's the way you hold hands when it's too hot to hold hands, you know? So I just, I reached across and I got her a pinky and I said, Hey, do you realize how important it is to have somebody to sit up late with and just giggle with?

[14:54] Have you ever tried giggling by yourself? Or laughing by yourself? You just really can't get into it very much. Paul Faulkner and I were roommates in college a long, long time ago.

[15:06] And we've had a very dear friendship over these years. And we've enjoyed traveling and doing these seminars together. I remember one time we had a three and a half hour layover at DFW. And so we don't get to see each other all that much on campus.

[15:18] So we got off over in one corner where nobody was waiting for a plane. And we were sitting over there laughing and telling stories and having fun and doing like this. And I was where I could see people walking by out in the corridor.

[15:29] And they would look over here and see these two buddies having a good time. And they just kind of smiled and walked on by. And it suddenly occurred to me how I would feel if I were sitting over there by myself acting like that.

[15:40] You know, you just really can't get into a good laugh. Do you remember the smells and the tastes of your parental home growing up?

[15:52] I will never forget the smells and the tastes of my mother's cooking and my father's house. early in the morning with the bacon frying.

[16:04] My mom always got up and cooked biscuits from scratch. That was before biscuits came in a can. But every morning that I remember going up we had biscuits and bacon and eggs. And I remember awakening to those smells, those smells that said, I love you.

[16:19] And the sounds, the sounds of home, the sounds of laughter, the sounds of a floor creaking, the sounds of a door opening, the sounds of familiarity, familiar footsteps that say, I love you.

[16:31] These are ways that we perceive that we are loved. Now, with that background, may I share with you ten suggestions for husbands.

[16:42] And ten suggestions for wives by way of improving the romantic relationship in the marriage. So important to revitalize the romance of a marriage constantly.

[16:57] And we're talking not only about the sexual relationship, though that's part of it and is basic to the relationship, but all of these other points of touching in the relationship.

[17:08] Now, husbands, we're going to start with ten suggestions for you. Tell her you love her every day and mean it. I remember early in our marriage, Smitty kept asking me, do you love me?

[17:23] And each time she did, I would be embarrassed that I hadn't told her, and I would say, sure, I do. Yes, I love you. Suddenly dawned on me, Claude.

[17:34] If she has to ask you if you love her, you're not telling her often enough. And so since that time, it's been habitual for both of us. Several times a day, every day, without fail, if we're together, we say I love you.

[17:48] And I believe it is very important. Guys, tell her you love her every day and mean it. Number two, never pass up an opportunity to give her sincere praise. She needs to know that you appreciate her.

[18:00] She needs to know that she is doing something that you approve of and applaud. Never pass up an opportunity to give her sincere praise. Now, there's a rule of thumb with that one that says, guys, if your technique is showing, you're doing it wrong.

[18:16] But if the only way you can pay her a compliment is to let your technique show, let your technique show. But it would be still better if it were a little more subtle.

[18:29] But never pass up an opportunity to give her sincere praise. A third, always speak to others of her in a complimentary way. Always make that a rule that you never make an exception to.

[18:44] If you're talking about your wife to other people, always speak to others of her in a complimentary way. If you want to confess your fears, your problems, the difficulties in your life, I believe you have a right to confess those to anybody you want to confess them to.

[19:00] But I believe it is a mistake for us to confess other people's problems and fears and difficulties and that that is especially true in a marriage relationship. Some men thrive on getting together with other men and criticizing their wives and talking about who has the worst wife.

[19:20] How tragic for that marriage relationship. Charlie Shedd says, men, if you want an activity that will pay big dividends, you'll get a lot of miles out of, let me give you one. He says, find her mother sometime when you can be alone and tell her mother what a terrific daughter she raised.

[19:40] He said, there's not a woman in the world that can keep that to herself. And when she tells your wife what you said, you get a lot of mileage out of that one. That would be a marvelous thing.

[19:52] But it works with other people as well. Always speak to others of her in a complimentary way. Number four is communicate but don't criticize. Now, I've been expecting somebody to back me in a corner someday and say, Carl, criticism can be constructive.

[20:11] And it may, that may be true. But in our marriage, we found that criticism was not constructive. Criticism was destructive. And we've talked about this and we've tried to remember when it was that we decided that we were not going to criticize each other anymore.

[20:26] We can't decide. We don't know. But somewhere back down the way, a number of years ago, both of us, it seems, discovered that criticism had a negative impact on our relationship.

[20:37] And so we both decided we are not going to criticize each other anymore. And so it's a rule of our lives. Now, that doesn't mean we don't communicate. It doesn't mean we can't say to each other, I messages.

[20:51] I messages that say, I'm uncomfortable with that. Or I'm frustrated by this situation. But we don't point our fingers at each other and criticize. We think that's extremely important.

[21:02] Let me share one time with you. We've got a rule at our house that you don't eat in the den. And if you do, you don't leave a mess. Now, I don't know whether you've got any rules like that at your house.

[21:13] But, you know, this is one of those rules that you just don't leave messes in the den. One evening I was walking through the den area and I noticed that on my study table someone had left a dirty milk glass and saucer.

[21:25] It looked like it had cake or something in it. And I stopped in the middle of the den and I pointed my finger at it and I said, Who left that dirty saucer and milk glass on my study table?

[21:36] I looked over in the kitchen. Eight eyes looked at the end of my finger and followed it to the dirty saucer and milk glass. And the six that belonged to the kids were in front of their mother.

[21:47] And all three of the kids began to say... Their mother was over behind them. And she said... I said, that's alright sweetheart, if you did it I'll clean up your mess.

[21:59] But the other three of you had better not leave anything on my study table. But you see the difference is that I'm training the kids. I'm not training their mother.

[22:10] Their mother can leave anything she wants to leave. Anywhere she wants to leave it. And if I want it cleaned up, I'll clean it up. But I promise you I don't fuss at her.

[22:21] That's number four. Communicate, but don't criticize. We believe that one's very important. Number five. Men, keep the spirit of courtship and romance alive in your marriage.

[22:32] Remember that a woman is aroused sexually by tenderness and thoughtfulness as well as by caressing and fondling. You need to continue the courtship. Men, let me put that one as strong as I know how to put it.

[22:44] I don't believe you can ever be a good husband until and unless you become a dyed in the wool romantic. There's something in our culture that says being romantic is not macho.

[22:58] That's not true. We're not ever going to be good husbands until we become dyed in the wool romantics. Now that's threatening to a lot of men. And a lot of men react by saying, wait a minute, wait a minute, what is romantic?

[23:10] And the answer to that is very simple. Anything she thinks is romantic is romantic. It doesn't matter whether it really is or not.

[23:21] If she thinks it is, it is. Let me list a number of things that wives like. Wives like flowers. I don't know why, but wives like flowers. As a matter of fact, often one flower is more romantic than a dozen.

[23:36] I like that. I don't understand it, but I like that. Wives like letters. They like love letters. They like them better if they are mailed and brought to the house by a postman.

[23:50] I don't understand that. But for old Claude to write a letter and then say, why should I put a 15 cent stamp on that and mail it? I'm going home. Come on, Claude. The reason is because it's more romantic to her if you write it and put it in the mail.

[24:06] And then when she gets it, she opens it and she reads it and she loves it and she anticipates your homecoming and she makes you welcome. Ladies, see to that. Be sure you see to that.

[24:19] But wives like flowers and wives like love letters and wives like anniversaries and birthdays and special events and things like that.

[24:30] And my wife likes chocolate candy. As a matter of fact, that is an understatement. My wife climbs the wall for chocolate candy. She keeps chocolate candy stored at different places like a chocolate candy-aholic or something.

[24:49] But one of the most romantic things in the world that I can do is come home and bring my wife a snicker. Now, I know that sounds cheap, but my wife doesn't want me to bring a whole box of chocolate candy.

[25:00] And so I come home and I bring my wife a snicker. Now, I've got to tell you that we get so many miles out of that story. That's a true story. But after a seminar, this friend of ours, preaches in one of the cities where we've been, called about the next Thursday and he said, Guys, I've got to share something with you.

[25:15] He said, One of our elders was in a drug store not far from the church building today. And he had bought a get well card or something and as he started to check out, he said, Oh, by the way, give me a snicker.

[25:29] And he said, the little girl behind the counter put her hands on her hips and said, I don't believe this. And he did a double take and said, Don't believe what? And she said, Everybody's been in this store this week's bought a snicker.

[25:46] She said, We've been out of Snickers since Monday. And I don't understand. And so the friend said, You might tell the people who participate in your seminars to buy what their wives like instead of what your wife likes.

[25:58] So guys, you might buy her something that she likes that isn't a snicker bar. Number six, take plenty of time for sex. Too rapid sex often leaves the wife tense and angry and unsatisfied.

[26:12] And the length of time, of course, will depend completely on her. It's a very unique and individual thing. Number seven says, Discover the areas of her body which are most pleasurable.

[26:25] Men, don't assume that you know. But you need to discover the areas of her body that are the most pleasurable to her. And it may not be exactly the same area every day.

[26:40] And one of the shocks that came to me as I began doing the seminar and shared with people and they began to share with me was this bit of information that says that this may change from day to day.

[26:53] Number eight, be careful of your cleanliness and personal hygiene. Number nine, remember that your wife literally cannot respond as she and you would like if her feelings are hurt or if the bedroom is cluttered or if the children are stirring in the next room.

[27:09] One of the things that came through to me several years ago when we were in Chicago. We were talking about this particular point and after I had come home, a young wife wrote me a letter. And she said, Dr. Bikin, you need to share with your seminar audiences the fact that if a husband approaches his wife for the sexual relationship, when there are problems in their relationship that are unresolved, the wife feels that she has been raped.

[27:36] And I showed that letter to Smitty and I said, Smitty, is that true? And she said, that's true. And so since that time I've said, well, I might as well tell it like it is. This is evidently one of the differences between men and women.

[27:48] Men feel like the way to solve most problems is go to bed and have a sexual relationship and everything's going to be all right. But the women feel differently from that men. They feel that unless the problems are solved, that there cannot be the celebration that is represented in the physical relationship.

[28:03] And number ten, men, communicate to her that you need her. That communication sets the stage for her to respond to you in the days and the weeks that are ahead.

[28:15] Now, turn to the ten suggestions for the wives. Ladies, number one, keep physical attractiveness at its very best. Now, one of the things that we've said is that men are visually oriented.

[28:29] And so physical attractiveness in their wife is important to them. But almost every time I say that, an audience comes up and says to me or my students say to me, Wait a minute. That's not fair.

[28:42] Tell the men that they need to keep physical attractiveness at its very best, too. Number two, be careful to be clean and take care of personal hygiene. In the intimate relationships of the marriage, it is very important that both people take care of personal hygiene.

[28:59] Number three, take extended time for lovemaking away from all distractions. There is a need for extended time away from all distractions periodically when two people plan and purpose to be together for this very intimate relationship.

[29:16] But there is one other side of that that is also very important. Ladies, there is also a place in marriage for quick sex. There will be times when there will not be enough time allowed for the duration of the relationship as both of you would like it.

[29:33] But during those times, the husband's need may be so urgent and so pressing that there is occasion for quick sex. Typically, husbands do not read as much as wives do.

[29:47] But reading good books helps us to stay alive and to stay aware and to keep trying things in our marriage. It keeps the marriage growing and developing and keeps the feeling in the marriage that we are still making an effort to keep love alive.

[30:00] Number five, let go all inhibitions and participate fully and eagerly in the experience. Both husband and wife enjoy the experience more if both can let go all inhibitions and participate fully and eagerly in the experience.

[30:18] Number six, ladies, welcome his advances. When your husband approaches you for the sexual relationship, it has a horrible impact on his ego system if you reject him.

[30:32] And for him to go away from the encounter feeling that I have been turned down, I have been rejected, she really doesn't love me, she really doesn't care about me, she really doesn't care about my needs. Let me share with you a story.

[30:43] Of a couple that several years ago, we went on a campaign to Scotland with a group. In this group, there was a young couple who had been married only a few weeks.

[30:54] Now, remember one night at the end of the activities of the day about 11.30 in the city of Edinburgh, Scotland, this young couple and Smitty and I walked about two miles in the rain to a fish and chips place.

[31:06] And as we sat in this quaint little place in Edinburgh, Scotland, we got to talking about the marriage relationship. And they shared with us some things from their premarital days.

[31:18] They said, one of the best pieces of advice that we ever got in our lives came just before we got married from the old doctor who did our blood test in preparation for getting our marriage license and getting married.

[31:31] They said, after he had taken care of the routine things, he called us into his office back at the back and said, I need to talk to you about your physical relationship. He said, I don't know whether anybody has done this before or not, but he said, I feel a responsibility to young couples like you who are just getting married and come to me for the blood test.

[31:49] And he said, let me talk to you about the physical part of your relationship. And they said he talked to them for a while and then he pointed his finger at the young bride and he said, Jane, one day your husband will come home from graduate school.

[32:04] One day your husband will come home from graduate school in the evening, let's say it's 530 in the afternoon. And he will come in the front door and he will hear you in the kitchen and perhaps he will smell the food cooking and you may be, let's say you're frying potatoes and you're at the kitchen stove.

[32:20] You've got your apron on and you're in the midst of preparing this meal for the two of you to eat in the evening. And your husband comes in and he'll come up behind you and he'll put his arms around you and he'll begin to kiss you on the back of the neck.

[32:34] And you have an almost irresistible urge to hit him in the stomach with your elbow and say, why don't you go away and leave me alone till after supper? And they said the old doctor shook his finger in her face and said, don't you do it because he's more important than potatoes.

[32:52] And besides that, God gave him that need for you and he didn't just give him that need for you for his benefit.

[33:03] He gave it to you for your benefit as well. That's number six and it says welcome his advances. Well, let me share one more with you. In the spring, Paul and I usually conduct an engaged couple seminar.

[33:21] And for these engaged couple seminars, we usually invite a medical doctor to come and share some of the sessions with us. We invite marriage counselors to come and share some of the sessions depending on the routine for the Friday night and all day Saturday and Saturday evening sessions.

[33:36] I remember the first one that we conducted. We invited a preacher friend who was very good at marriage counseling. And we invited him to come and share some things with these young people who were looking forward to June weddings at this particular time.

[33:50] And I remember in one of the sessions, he said this. He said, welcome his advances. And then he said, ladies, there will be some time in your marriage when you cannot welcome his physical advances.

[34:03] But he said, at those times you need to learn to say no creatively. And I thought, boy, that sounds interesting. I wonder what in the world he's talking about. But he went on to say, let me give you an example.

[34:15] He says, there are some nights when my wife and I retire and I approach her for the physical relationship. And she may really be too tired. And so she may turn over and give me a great big hug and kiss and say, sweetheart, I'm just really too tired tonight.

[34:33] But I'll tell you what, if you can wait till morning, I promise you that first thing in the morning, we will have a relationship together that we can write about in our memoirs.

[34:43] And he said, I assure you that any man in the world can wait till morning for that kind of promise to take place. He may not sleep very much, but he can wait till morning for that kind of promise to take place.

[34:59] That's number six. Ladies, welcome his advances. Make him feel precious instead of making him feel that he's a pest. Because so many young husbands especially, their sex drive is so strong that they feel almost like a pest.

[35:15] It's very important for a wife who loves them to make them feel precious. Number seven, become actively involved in foreplay. The Lord intended for you to enjoy this relationship, and it is very important to that relationship for you to also be involved in the preparation for the intimacy.

[35:32] Number eight, let him know what pleases you. Don't expect him to know automatically, because there's no way in the world that he will know automatically. But let him know what pleases you.

[35:43] Number nine, be creative in initiating lovemaking. There are many ways to initiate lovemaking. But the wife should be one who takes her turn at times initiating lovemaking.

[36:01] It can be done subtly with a call to the office. It can be done subtly with words. It can be done obviously in a number of other ways.

[36:12] But use your creative imagination, ladies, and be creative in initiating lovemaking. And number ten, reassure him of his manliness. Every day, almost without fail, out in the world, the husband's manhood takes a beating.

[36:30] And when he comes home from the office or from the workaday world or wherever it is he spent his day, oftentimes his manhood has taken a beating out there during the day. I remember hearing a man tell a story about the early days of his marriage.

[36:45] And he said, you know, I didn't realize until years had gone by in our marriage what my wife had done during the early months and early years of our married life. But he said, on the day every month that I paid bills, my manhood took a beating.

[36:59] Because often we could not pay all of our bills. And so we would have to decide which ones would remain unpaid until we could get a little bit more money and pay all of our bills.

[37:10] And he said, I came away feeling that I wasn't really a man and that as a man I really wasn't measuring up to the breadwinner that I wanted to be for my wife. And he said, as I recall those early years, I remember that my wife always, without fail, was aggressive sexually that night when we went to bed.

[37:32] And he said, I woke up the next morning feeling so good about myself, about my marriage, about our relationship, and about my life. And he said, I didn't realize until years later, as I looked back on the experience, what she had done and how much she had realized had gone on in my life as she did so much in those experiences to put my manhood back together.

[37:55] And that's number 10. And it says, reassure him of his manliness. Will you pray with me? We'll close this session together.

[38:09] Father, we're grateful for the one who sits beside us, for that one who is so important to us. And as we think back over the many mistakes that each one of us has made in this relationship, we beg your forgiveness.

[38:23] And we pray, Holy Father, that we may never be the same again because we've been together for these hours to talk about our marriages and to talk about the things that we can do to make them better.

[38:36] Father, as we go to our homes with new resolves to be better husbands, better wives, and in many instances, better fathers and better mothers, we pray your very special blessings to be upon us.

[38:52] Will you give us the strength and the patience and the determination that is going to be needed in the next several months and years to bring about the changes that are needed in our marriages and in our families?

[39:07] Father Paul and I thank you for the friendship that we enjoy. And we thank you for these who have come and those who will share through the medium of the films.

[39:19] And we pray that you will look into every life and suit a blessing to each one. Forgive our transgressions. Guide us in all that we do that we may bring praise and glory and honor to you.

[39:31] In the precious name of Jesus, we pray. Amen. Amen. This concludes our final session of the Marriage Enrichment Seminar. It's our prayer that your marriage has been enriched and that you're more committed than ever before to making your marriage what God intends for it to be.

[39:49]  Thank you for being with us.