Well, good morning, everyone. If you've just joined us, last week we kicked off this new series on what the Bible teaches about marriage.
That's because marriage is a major theme that runs throughout the Bible.
As we saw last week, the Bible begins with God officiating the first marriage between Adam and Eve, the first two people,
and it ends with the great marriage feast of the Lamb where it is the eternal coming together of Jesus and his church.
And so marriage, as I said last week, is connected to all of God's purposes for history.
And that God invented marriage between a man and a woman to display those purposes in history, God's eternal salvation purposes.
And so our text throughout the whole term is Ephesians 21 to 33.
It's the longest, most famous and most controversial passage in the Bible on marriage.
And so we're working through it bit by bit, unpacking it bit by bit.
And the controversial parts draw our attention so much in such a way that we often miss the real meaning of the whole paragraph,
and particularly the peak verses, the verses that put all of this instruction into their context, verses 31 and 32.
For this reason, a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.
This is a profound mystery.
But I'm talking about Christ and the church.
The profound mystery of marriage is when God invented marriage at the beginning of creation,
he already had the saving work of Jesus Christ in mind.
God, in other words, he designed marriage between a man and a woman to be a picture, if you like, of that greater, more important reality.
And so the question is, how well do our marriages portray the magnificence of Jesus and the gospel and the great wedding feast of the Lamb?
In case you're still wondering about the answer to that question, not perfectly is the answer to that.
Not perfectly.
That's reality though, isn't it?
The larger and more complex and more majestic an object is, the more difficult it is, almost impossible it is, to represent that thing very well.
For instance, no single photograph from my iPhone could possibly display the grandeur of the Great Barrier Reef.
But the reason I take a photo of it is because when I'm there experiencing it, I'm moved by it.
There's a sense of awe associated with it.
And so I take the photo because I want to recall that awe moment.
I want to remember the magnificence of it.
And so Christian marriage, therefore, should seek to be clearer and clearer picture of the majesty of the gospel.
Because one of the purposes of marriage is, in fact, the transformation of a couple into the image of Christ.
And we'll pick that up down in the coming weeks.
But the main reason our display of the majesty of the gospel is so blurred is because all of us are broken by sin and we are profoundly self-centered.
And so self-centeredness is the main havoc-wreaking problem in marriage.
In fact, in all relationships, but in marriage and the ever-present enemy of every marriage.
And so that's our topic today as we look at that.
So if you've got the St. Paul's app, got three points there for us today as we journey through just a couple of, really just one verse we're focusing on.
So the problem of self-centeredness.
The main problem of all marriages and relationships generally is the radical self-centeredness of the human heart.
C.S. Lewis wrote in Mere Christianity that self-centeredness, which is what he referred to in the particular chapter of the great sin as pride or conceit, self-conceit he referred to it as.
He says,
That his self-centeredness by its very character means a person is blind to their own while being hypersensitive and offended and angered by that of others.
And the result is always a downward spiral into self-pity, into anger, despair, self-righteousness as the relationship gets eaten away to nothing.
Self-centeredness has been described as the cancer in the center of a marriage when it begins and it has to be dealt with from the start.
Now the classic text which you'll hear at many wedding ceremonies and which I've been asked to preach on a number of times is 1 Corinthians 13 verses 4 to 5.
I remember going to, it's so famous in fact, that I went to a wedding, attended a wedding for a non-Christian couple who didn't want me to do the wedding.
An extended family didn't want me to do the wedding because they didn't want anything too religious.
They've got a civil settlement out in the garden.
The civil settlement in the service said,
Just some advice for you.
I want to read to you a poem.
Not sure where it comes from or the origin of it, but it's just beautiful words.
Let me read them to you.
Love is patient and kind.
It does not envy.
It does not boast.
It is not proud.
It is not rude.
It is not self-seeking.
It is not easily angered.
It keeps no record of wrongs.
And people, oh, you have beautiful words.
1 Corinthians 13 verses 4 and 5.
What Paul does here, he shows that love is an action.
It's not a sentiment.
It's not sentimental.
It's an action.
Love is action that is the very opposite of self-seeking, of self-centeredness.
Love is pursuing one's own welfare before those of others.
Look at that, right?
You know what I mean.
Self-centeredness is easily seen through this list in impatience, in irritability.
A lack of graciousness and kindness in speech.
Envious brooding on the better circumstances of other people and holding past injuries and
hurts against others.
And so how easily do these traits appear in marriage?
The ability to give yourself to another person for their good.
The ability to serve another person's interest over your own.
The ability to submit your own concerns for the good of someone else.
The ability to defer your desires to help another realize their desires is not instinctive, is it?
It seems there's nothing more unnatural, in fact, than selflessness and humility.
When I was a new pastor, and Nat and I had been married just for a couple of years.
She's not here this morning, so you'll get my version of this.
We've been married for a couple of years, and we were preaching a series in 1 Corinthians at the time in the church,
and I got 1 Corinthians 13.
And so I'd been working on the sermon throughout the week, thinking about working really hard at
And, you know, love is patient and kind, blah, blah, blah, blah.
And on the Saturday, I was writing the sermon, and I just need a final illustration.
I just need to finish it off.
But I was confident I had it all wrapped up, right?
The sermon, and so I had to communicate this really well, you know, to the church.
And it was late in the afternoon, so I decided to take a break, and I was going to go and cut the grass
While I thought over 1 Corinthians 13, love is patient, love is kind, how do I illustrate this, the final thing?
And I was almost over, finished cutting the grass, and Nat said to me, she's just ducking out to catch up with a friend.
She'll be back in about an hour and a half.
Yeah, not a problem, no worries.
Soon after that, Nat departed.
I finished off cutting the grass, and I went to go inside, and the door was locked.
The entire house was locked.
And, I mean, I couldn't believe it.
I mean, why would you do that?
Why?
It made sense at all.
Of course, that's the point.
It doesn't make any sense.
And while, you know, the unhelpful stuff was rising, 1 Corinthians 13, love is patient, love is kind, love keeps no record of wrong.
Okay.
Okay, so do a little bit more gardening.
You know, I'll catch up a little bit more gardening.
And while I think about 1 Corinthians 13 and put it into practice, so I did a little bit more gardening.
One and a half hours became two and a half hours.
It was winter, and the sun went down, and I was now cold.
And, you know, what is patience in the end?
What does it mean to be kind?
Two and a half hours became three hours, and I decided that rather than sit here and stew in the darkness and shiver, I thought that I will get up and I will busy myself around the garden and continue thinking about 1 Corinthians 13, and I'll water the grass.
I mean, there's a soothing exercise.
So I hooked up the hose, turn the tap on, boom, and the hose burst, and I was now covered in water.
So it's dark.
It is cold.
It's winter.
I am now wet.
But love is, what was it about love?
What are the parameters about keeping no records of wrong here?
You know, like, I was wet, I was freezing, I was shivering, and I was fuming.
Love is patient.
Love is kind.
Love keeps no, keeps mostly not records of wrong.
Four hours later, it was totally dark, and then I heard the car arrive home, and then, by God, amazingly, my fuming went really calm.
I just, you know, I was so cold, and instead of taking the opportunity to whip around and jump straight into the shower,
I decided it would, in fact, be more beneficial for me if I waited just a little bit longer.
I waited for four hours, and now there's an opportunity to milk this for all it's worth.
Nat turned on the lights in the house.
I could hear her calling out, you know, where are you?
It wasn't that big of a house, really.
She searched the house.
Eventually, she unlocked the back door, turned on the patio light, and here I was sitting in the darkness, out there in the freezing cold.
And her first words to me were, why are you sitting out in the dark?
It's a bit cold for that, isn't it?
Love is patient.
Love is kind.
And so I calmly, because I wanted to milk it, walked past her and said, think back to when you opened the door and how you needed to get out here.
Walked into the shower.
When I came out of the shower, she said, I locked you out.
Yes, you did.
Now, the reason I was able to stay calm in that moment was not because of love, but it's because that opportunity provided me with everything I needed for my own benefit in some way or another.
I was able to milk it, manipulate it.
And that's often what happens in our relationships.
In most cases, we marry a person because we really like them.
It doesn't take long, and you start to notice how self-centred they actually are.
But it happens at exactly the same time, and they start to notice how self-centred you are.
And then the third thing happens at exactly the same time is that you start to notice that their self-centredness is, in fact, far worse than yours.
It's inevitable.
What do you do then in that moment?
One thing that can happen is that you, which often happens, is that you form an emotional distance.
You put a self-protective layer around yourself, and the distance starts, grows between you and your spouse.
It's almost like, as a couple, you subconsciously sign a new covenant agreement.
If you don't talk about my issues, I won't raise your issues.
And it's like, we're happy to coexist as North Korea and South Korea as long as we don't cross into the demilitarisation zone.
And on the surface, we look like a happy couple, because we're together, for goodness sake.
And we don't argue, because we've chosen not to over certain issues that really matter to us.
We have a comfortable stalemate, but the emotional connection is forced.
You know, there's a photo.
Get together as a couple of you.
It's like the anniversary celebration.
There's a forced and an uncomfortableness.
In his book, The Marriage Builder, the late Christian psychologist, Dr. Larry Crabb, put it like this.
So protective layers are designed to prevent the rejection from getting inside to where we feel the hurt.
A variety of behaviours can function for us as protective layers.
An unwillingness to share deep feelings.
Responding with anger when real feelings are hurt.
Changing the subject when the conversation begins to be threatening about my own sense of rejection, that is.
Turning up, clamming up, sorry, turning off, clamming up, or other manoeuvres designed to avoid rejection or criticism.
Keeping oneself so busy with work and social engagements and entertainment and church activities,
or endless chatter that no deep sharing is possible.
Of course, the alternative, which is what we're given here in Ephesians 5, verse 21,
is seeing that my self-centredness is more profound.
It is more serious and more important to deal with than my spouse's.
I will treat my self-centredness, as it's reported to me,
as being the crucial thing to address, regardless of what the other person is doing.
Or even how they communicate it to me.
You see, when two people do that together, there is a possibility of not just a marriage,
but of a great marriage.
And when two people see that the main problem in their marriage is themself,
their own self-centredness, and they're working together through that,
then it will be a great marriage.
And so there's two possibilities.
And the two possibilities are either of you see the self-centredness,
or that is the two possibilities.
Either of you see the self-centredness in the other,
or both of you see the self-centredness in yourself.
The third possibility is that only one of you sees the self-centredness.
But the other doesn't.
In other words, you can still have a great marriage,
even if your working on your self-centredness is not reciprocated.
You see, in this scenario, if you're truly concerned about your self-centredness,
and you're working on it,
over time, it slowly, bit by bit, starts to soften your spouse.
It becomes easier for them to admit their faults and their flaws.
Because you are not constantly bringing them up.
And when you do bring them up,
you aren't doing it in a way to crush them, to condemn them.
So that brings me to our second point of confronting our own self-centredness.
You see, the only way to deal with the relational cancer of it
is to confront our own self-centredness,
not the other person's self-centredness.
The introductory, Ephesians 5.21,
this introductory statement for Paul's famous paragraph on marriage
is submit to one another.
Now, in the English translations of this,
verse 21 is normally not just its own sentence,
but it's also a brand new paragraph.
It begins a brand new paragraph on marriage.
But in the original language, in the Greek New Testament,
verse 21 is, in fact, the last clause in a long previous sentence
in which Paul describes the several, several marks of a person
who is filled with the spirit of a Christian person.
And this last clause, verse 21, is the connector to the application of that
in what follows in this section of marriage and parenting
and in the work environment.
It's the hinge, if you like, in connecting these two great paragraphs.
And so, in other words, what he's saying here is the last mark of being a Christian
and filled with God's spirit is, in fact, a loss of pride
and surrendering of the self-will that leads a person
to humbly serve the interests of others.
It is so unnatural that inevitably we will wonder what we get out of it
if I'm putting the happiness of my spouse ahead of my own.
That's our natural reaction here.
If I put their happiness ahead of mine, what do I get out of it?
And the biblical answer to that is happiness, is what you get out of it.
Happiness through serving others instead of using them.
It is the joy that comes from giving joy.
Now, that is a concept that, as I talked about last week,
our modern culture, the me marriage,
finds so foreign and so oppressive, dangerous even.
And yet this is not just the Christian view of marriage.
This is the Christian theology of relationships,
all relationships.
Because it is the very nature of ultimate reality.
You see, the Bible reveals God as triune.
I talked about this last week.
That is, he's three persons within one God.
One God.
Triunity of God, the Trinity.
Now, I'm reading other passages in the Bible about this.
John 17 teaches that for all of eternity, before anything was made,
each person of the Trinity, the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit,
has glorified, has honoured, and has loved the other two members of the Trinity.
I used the word last week, perichoresis.
It's the mutual indwelling.
I exist for the other two.
I exist for their glory, for their honouring, for their love.
That is ultimate reality from which everything material is being created from,
for, from that.
And the representation of that, the very nature of God,
the very being of God, is other person-centredness.
That's ultimate reality.
They served and loved one another for their joy.
Forever.
And so when Christ Jesus died on the cross for our sin,
he was acting within the very nature of God.
Self-sacrifice is who he is.
It's the very essence of God.
And humanity was made in that image.
We were created to worship and live for God's glory,
to do what God has done amongst himself forever for his joy.
And we were meant to do that, and also for others, not for our own.
And so whenever we put our happiness ahead of obedience to God,
or we, in that moment, what we're doing is we are violating our very own nature,
our very essence,
and we become ultimately miserable.
We work against our joy.
You see, Jesus restates this principle when he says in Matthew 16,
whoever wants to save his life will lose it,
but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.
He's saying if you seek happiness more than you seek me,
you'll have neither.
You'll have neither me nor happiness.
If you seek to serve me more than you serve your happiness,
you'll get both.
You get me and your happiness.
And Paul applies this principle to marriage.
Seek to serve one another rather than to be happy,
and you will find a new and a deeper happiness.
And it's possible to discover this profound mystery
because marriage is instituted by God.
It was established by God for whom self-giving love
is the very essence of who he is,
and therefore it reflects his nature,
and particularly in the person and work of Jesus Christ.
So when we read the rest of Ephesians 5,
everything that it says, where our heart goes,
hang on a bit, let me just qualify that,
and I can't wait that Steve does,
all of it is put in the context of ultimate reality.
All of it is put in the context of verse 21.
It is only from this Holy Spirit-empowered,
humble submission for the good of others
that Paul then moves into relationships
with wives and husbands, parents and kids,
employer, employee, all of it.
Now we're going to unpack this in coming weeks,
but in verses 22 to 24, Paul writes,
the wife should submit to their husbands.
Immediately in verse 25, he tells husbands
to love their wives as Christ loved the church
and gave himself up for her.
He does the same at the end of the section in verse 33.
And so verse 25 and verse 33,
for husbands, if anything, is a stronger appeal
to abandon self-interest
than was in fact given to the wife.
You see, what we will discover
is that each of these exaltations
have a distinct shape about them.
They're not identical tasks.
And yet each partner is called to sacrifice
for the other in far-reaching ways
because it's the very essence of who God is.
Because the Father's not the Son
and the Son's not the Spirit
and the Spirit's not the Father or the Son
and so on and so forth.
And so whether we are a husband or a wife,
we are not to live for ourselves,
but we live for the other.
This is the hardest
and yet single most important function
of being husband and wife in a marriage.
As I said last week,
the Bible does not present marriage
as a choice between personal fulfilment
as per the new me-marriage version
of our modern era
on the one hand
or sacrifice for the good
of family and society.
On the other hand,
as per traditional cultures,
the biblical Christianity
sees marriage
as mutual fulfilment
through mutual sacrifice.
And it's different
for both
in the way that's played out.
And this principle flows
into every Christian relationship.
But to practise these principles
inside a marriage
is to practise them in such,
in the most intense way possible.
If two spouses
are spending a day together,
the question of who gets
each other's pleasure,
so who gets
to make the choice
of pursuing their pleasure
and who gives in
in this moment
happens
all the time,
which is probably why
so many spouses
don't want to spend
too much time together.
Who, you know,
it's like the,
you know,
the view here is not,
you know,
I don't hear the old story
of two Christians
trying to, you know,
force their way
through one door
and one says,
after you.
No, no, no,
after you.
No, after you.
No, no, after you.
And so no one goes anywhere.
I mean, you know,
we're going to unpack
this a little bit later.
I mean,
it doesn't work like that.
But who gets
to go through the door first?
There's three possibilities.
You can offer
to serve the other
with joy.
You can make
the offer to serve them
with coldness
and resentment
and hoping to manipulate it
and use it later on
down the track.
or you can selfishly
insist
on your own way.
That's what it comes down to.
Only when both partners
are regularly responding
to one another
in the first way,
serving each other
with joy,
can a marriage thrive.
And yet,
how hard that is.
because each person
needs to confront
their own self-centeredness
and stop making excuses
for selfishness
and deal with it
regardless
of what your spouse
is doing.
if two spouses
each say,
I'm going to treat
my,
and when I say
treat it,
I mean
really feel it,
really be aware
of it,
that my self-centeredness
is in fact
the main problem
in this marriage.
You have the prospect
of a truly great marriage.
marriage.
And even,
can I say to you,
if this is you right now,
you're in a marriage relationship
where you have failed
in some kind of way
and you're aware
of your failure
and your spouse
is reminding you
of your failure,
can I say,
work on your self-centeredness
and the spouse
who's constantly
reminding the other
of their failure,
can I say to you,
be more consciously
aware of your own
self-centeredness
than your spouse's
obvious self-centeredness.
So where do we get
the power
and the security
and the confidence
to take that step?
This is my last point.
Verse 21 again,
Paul says,
there's one last bit
which I haven't mentioned
in that verse,
submit to one another
out of reverence
for Christ.
The word reverence
there literally
means
fear.
Submit to one another
out of fear
for Christ.
Now the word fear,
when we hear that,
it says,
ooh,
hang on a bit,
that doesn't sound
very pleasant.
you know,
because,
you know,
the idea is dread
and fright
and, you know,
it's a horrible feeling.
But in the Bible,
it is,
the word fear
is much broader
than that,
much broader.
In the Old Testament,
the fear of the Lord
is a very common statement
and the Hebrew word
in that context
carries the idea
of a respect,
an awe,
a wonder.
and in its strongest sense,
the fear of the Lord
in its strongest sense
means that I am
overwhelmed by something.
I'm not cowering,
I'm overwhelmed
by something.
I'm controlled
by something.
And the fear of the Lord
in the Old Testament
is to be overwhelmed
with wonder
before the greatness
of God
and his love.
And so Exodus
says,
fear the Lord
so you don't have
to fear the Lord.
What do you mean by that?
It's be overwhelmed
by his greatness
and his majesty
and his love
and his covenant
with you.
Be overwhelmed
by that.
Don't take that
for granted
because if you do
take that for granted,
you will at some point
in the future
be cowering
in his presence.
His,
be overwhelmed
by his bright holiness
and magnificent love
means that you find him
fearfully beautiful,
wonderful,
awesome
in the truest sense.
You see,
that's why
the more we experience
God's grace
and forgiveness
in Jesus Christ,
the more we experience
a sense
of a trembling awe
and wonder
before the greatness
of all that,
who he is
and what he's done
for us in Christ.
The deeper you go
into it,
the greater the sense
of majesty
the gospel is.
Romans 5,
verses 6 to 8
tells us
the cost of God's
love for us.
When we were still
powerless,
Christ died
for the ungodly.
God demonstrates
his own love
for us in this.
While we were still
sinners,
Christ died
for us.
And so for the spouse,
holding past
hurts against
their spouse,
the way we deal
with our self-centeredness
is to realize
before the majesty
of God,
I am worthy
of death.
I'm an ungodly
sinner.
You see,
one verse,
and yet,
one verse
before this,
we are told
the Holy Spirit,
the work of the Holy Spirit,
is to pull
the reality
of God's love
into our hearts
in such a way
that it fills up
this hole
that is in us.
It's the thing
that deals
with the rejection
that we feel,
the hurts,
the past hurts,
the weariness,
the protective layer
that we put
around our hearts,
and it transforms us
into the image
of Jesus
and gives us hope
when life
is difficult
and marriage
is hard.
God's love
has been poured
out into our hearts
through the Holy Spirit
who's given to us.
You see,
when we understand
this,
we can now see
why Paul introduces
the subject
of marriage
with a summons
to love each other,
to submit
to each other
out of fear
of Christ.
because every single
one of us
come into
these relationships
driven by all kinds
of fears
and all kinds
of desires
and all kinds
of needs.
And if we think,
which is often
the,
we do,
and particularly
around the looking
for the perfect partner
in the new
marriage movement,
we come into marriage
thinking that marriage
is going to correct
our broken hearts
to fill up
the disorder
of our hearts.
Inevitably,
we're using
a spouse
to meet my needs.
We're not serving
them at all.
Only the love
of God
displayed in the death
of the Lord Jesus Christ
for our forgiveness
being poured
into our hearts
through the Holy Spirit
can fill up
our need
for love
and acceptance
and approval.
I become a whole person
in Christ.
I'm safe
in him
which allows me
to cross
the demilitarization
zone
towards my spouse
and love them.
It's only Jesus
who takes away
that
self-preservation
protective layer
from my heart.
You see,
that means
that when
how does that happen?
We need to be
so immersed
in his teaching
in his example
and his sacrifice
that those things
what Christ
has done for me
what who I am
in him
the gospel
dominate my
inner life
capture my
imagination
and simply
bubble out
spontaneously
when we are
faced with
some kind
of challenge.
You see,
my problem
all those years
ago
with 1 Corinthians
13
was I was
looking to
preach it
not looking
to apply it.
Looking to
preach it
not apply it.
when we receive
it means
when we receive
criticism
as you would
expect to
as a flawed
human being
that criticism
will never crush us
because deep
down inside of us
we know that
Jesus knows
every single
one of my
flaws
he knows
every single
one of my
failings
he knows
every dark
corner of my
existence
and my life
he knows
it right
down to
the depths
of its
darkness
and its
evil
in a way
that my
spouse
doesn't even
know
and yet
he still
went to
the cross
and died
for me
and he
still loves
me
and he
still
accepted
me
completely
there's
my safety
it also
means that
when we
give
criticism
to our
spouse
we will
do so
with
a gentleness
and a
patience
because
our
whole
inner
world
will be
saturated
with
the
sense
of
Jesus
love
and
patience
and
gentleness
with me
I would
be able
to give
the
criticism
with
patience
and kindness
and love
and mercy
and tenderness
because I'm
not reliant
upon my
spouse
to change
to make
me feel
better
now of
course this
doesn't
mean
that every
time we're
criticised
our
immediate
response
deep
within our
hearts
is
calmness
and peace
and
Jesus
loves me
this I
know
for the
Bible
tells me
so
inevitably
before the
brain
kicks in
adrenaline
does
and the
fight
or the
flight
one
kicks in
as a
response
but deep
down inside
the person
and work
of Jesus
will ultimately
bring your
strength
we go
there
and he
will lift
us up
and it
takes
years
and years
of reflection
it requires
disciplined
prayer
it requires
the study
of God's
word
because the
Holy Spirit
brings the
word of God
of the gospel
into our
hearts
Bible study
reading
it takes
innumerable
conversations
with friends
and other
Christians
to gain
a greater
perspective
on ourselves
it takes
dynamic
congregational
worship
it takes
all sorts
of things
but gradually
bit by bit
when we
see ourselves
more and more
through the
eyes of the
gospel
we also see
others
through the
eyes of the
gospel
when the
gospel
the word
of God
dwells in
our hearts
richly
as Colossians
3 says
we find
the power
to serve
we find
the power
to give
and to take
criticism
well
to not
expect
our spouse
or our
marriage
to meet
our needs
and to
heal up
all of
our hurts
the love
of God
as displayed
through the
sacrificial death
of Jesus
Christ
for our
forgiveness
for our
acceptance
being poured
constantly
into the
center of
our hearts
through the
Holy Spirit
through the
word of God
by the
word of
God
is the
power
every
marriage
needs
to
flourish
to
finish
to
finish
to
finish
!
to
finish