Well, good morning, everyone.
Last week, Steve finished his message by saying that next week, Nick is going to get up and tell you everything you need to know about the hard stuff of marriage.
He'll have all the answers and then smirked at me where I was sitting.
And if you get any kind of introduction like that, you've got to have credentials, right?
You might watch a YouTuber or have seen a TED Talk where when they get up, they say, hey, here are my credentials.
I've studied this.
I've got this relationship.
I know these people.
I'm the one you need to listen to.
Well, today we're talking about the growth of marriage or growing in our marriage.
Here are my credentials that you should ignore.
I've been married nearly 20 years to the most wonderful person in the room, Sam.
I have three beautiful children.
And here's what you should hold as credentials.
I've made pretty much every mistake you can think of in marriage.
And every time someone who is younger than me, and you might think I look young, but I've been married nearly 20 years and I have made so many mistakes.
And people who want to get married or have been married for a shorter time than me, when they ask, what should I do in this situation or now?
I say, well, I can tell you I've made that mistake.
So don't do that.
That is the majority of my advice.
The credential that I want you to hold on to is the word of God.
Because without it, I'm not married for 20 years.
Without the grace of God to me, I'm not married.
Without my wife's grace to me, I'm not married.
Let's pray.
Heavenly Father, would you speak to us through your word this morning?
And even though we've heard this passage at least five times in this series, please speak to us by your Holy Spirit and change us.
Help us who are married to hear this sharp, loving word this morning.
And help those of us who are not married to hear it as well.
For you love to grow relationships and bring people together as one.
For in Christ, we are one.
Amen.
When I was young, I lived in a place called Pambula Beach.
It's right down the far south coast on the beach.
For real.
And we could kind of see the ocean.
It was wonderful.
One of the houses a little further up the hill, just behind us, was this house.
Hope you can see that.
It's pretty quirky looking, right?
It's still there all these years later.
It's an A-frame house.
Two flat walls set on the ground, leaning on each other.
Now, I remember going on a walk one morning with my dad.
I was pretty small.
And I remember pointing out that house.
That's weird, dad.
Or something like that.
And he said, yeah, those houses are built for the mountains.
They're built so that ice and snow, when it lands on the roof, slides off.
And the roof never falls under its weight.
Now, it never snowed by the sea.
And that house was so out of place that I remember it vividly.
And I want us this morning not to remember that house necessarily, but to hold on to that image,
because we're going to come back to it.
In the previous weeks in this series on the meaning of marriage,
we've heard that the sin of self-centeredness and pride is the main hindrance to every marriage.
And if that's true, then without change, all marriages will trend towards ending early.
Can we avoid marriage that shrivels into disgust and isolation?
How do marriages grow?
So today we'll see that if you want a growing marriage, then you need to build an A-frame house.
You need two sides for a roof of truth and love and a sure foundation of grace.
But leave even one of those out and the A-frame house falls.
Christian marriages grow if both spouses are telling and accepting truth,
understanding and expressing love, and experiencing reconciling grace.
They're my three points this morning.
Telling and accepting truth.
Why the roof of truth?
I remember driving home after my first official date with Sam, my now wife.
I remember driving home.
I was worried.
I wasn't really worried about how it had gone.
I was more excited about that.
But I was worried about what I'd revealed about myself.
Did she see any of my many flaws that I was aware of?
My excitement was mixed with fear.
And years later, when we were married, I remembered that moment as I was driving down that same road.
Sam had just confronted me over the phone about how I always ended arguments whenever I felt like I had won.
Shutting her down and hurting her.
She was right.
As I was driving, I'd wish she hadn't seen that in me.
I was prideful.
But I just couldn't ignore it.
Because I was driving home to her.
To face her.
You see, when two people get married, their flaws become increasingly unhideable.
That's a word.
Anytime they're fearful or anxious or proud or inflexible or abrasive, undisciplined, oblivious, impatient, irritable.
Their spouse witnesses this.
Often bearing the brunt of it.
Underneath these flaws are sins.
The Christians are called to deal with and not hide.
Now, how do you feel when a friend, someone who knows you well, points out a flaw in you?
How do you feel?
Harmed?
Shocked?
Grieved?
Joyful?
Those around us can see our flaws more realistically than even us.
And a spouse sees your flaws better than anyone else.
They know them best.
Some of our flaws we have absorbed into our very identity.
They're now part of us.
Even if we hide them or try and ignore them, marriage digs them all up.
I want you to imagine you're in a hospital and you're so sick that they've got to run tests.
Maybe you've got to give blood or go do some scans.
And those tests are collated onto charts and they're put at the end of your bed.
And you're just lying there waiting for a doctor to appear and read those charts and reveal what is wrong.
But did the doctor make you sick?
No.
But their words carry the truth of what was already wrong with you.
Their role is to be the bearer of the bad news so you can heal.
Marriage reveals flaws in us rather than create them.
How often though do I witness spouses blaming the other for a flaw the other has seen in them?
Just as it's the doctor's goal to not be discouraging but to heal,
a spouse's truth-telling is for the healing of the other.
But unlike the doctor reading that report, our sickness, our flaws are affecting our spouse.
The doctor's well.
We're sick.
And yet in our marriage, our sickness affects our spouse.
Let's pick up our passage today.
Our key verses are in and around verse 26 there,
where it says that a husband's role is to make his spouse holy,
cleansing her by the washing of water through the word.
Learning to share and receive truth is this washing.
Have you given your spouse permission to talk about your flaws?
We heard last week that the purpose of Christian marriage is preparing our spouses for eternity with Christ.
And that is no small thing.
It's lifelong and it's huge.
So to do so, we must boldly share what is wrong with our hearts and Bibles open.
It also means expecting your spouse to bring your flaws to you.
Or confessing them yourself.
So that you can grow in holiness.
Now, if you are married here today, I'm going to ask you this.
Have you ever dreamt about being with someone better?
Or do you live in fear that your spouse will find someone better than you?
Deal with your fear of truth.
And deal with the sin in your spouse and yourself.
Your spouse's sin is not them.
Your sin is not you.
Romans 7.17 is where Paul says that sin lives in us.
The Christians are sinful, but counted sinless in Christ.
So, perfection in our lives must only ever be expected in Jesus.
Not in your spouse.
Not in yourself.
It's an unreasonable self-expectation to live without flaws.
And so, we are called to love the sinner who we marry.
To love the sinner we marry, you must together embrace Christ's perfection.
And in that light, deal with your sin.
In their book, The Meaning of Marriage, Tim and Kathy Keller encourage us to call this spiritual transparency.
Spiritual transparency.
Many passages in the Bible, like Ephesians 4, 14 and 15,
they encourage us to turn from the distractions of our world and the deceptions of the voices around us.
Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is Christ.
Regular, reciprocal, spiritual transparency.
Truth in love grows marriages.
So, how can we speak the truth and still love?
You may think that the truth only ever hurts.
You may think that truth can't change anything, really, in the end.
Or that marriage only needs love to thrive.
But the work of Christian marriage is to grow, as Steve said last week,
grow as bestest friends who speak the truth in love.
Understanding and expressing love.
We're up to point number two.
In the book, The Lord of the Rings, not the movie,
in the book, the character Faramir has a lot more to say.
There's a lot more screen time in the book than he did in the movie.
He's one of my favorite characters.
And there's a moment where Samwise, the hobbit who's gone along with Frodo on the journey to destroy the ring,
Samwise compliments Faramir for resisting the power of the ring.
Faramir accepts this praise by giving his own.
Back to Samwise, saying,
The praise of the praiseworthy is above all other rewards.
But Samwise, too, rejects the ring's power for the greater good.
Truthful love and affirmation from the praiseworthy is priceless.
Even carrying the power to be healing to us.
So, too, when the one you esteem the most, your spouse, praises you with something like,
Oh, that's what I love about you.
And greater still is when that same spouse who sees your flaws shows you love.
Praiseworthy and truthful.
We can become more convinced of our own dignity and worth as God's love is poured out on us through those we love who know our sin.
Ephesians 5.2 encourages us to walk in the way of love just as Christ loved us and gave himself for us.
That mirrors what we just read in today's passage in verse 25.
Husbands, love your wives just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.
Spouses are to reflect Christ in how we love and give ourselves up.
So, speaking the truth in love can only occur in a relationship where both give themselves up to understanding and expressing love toward one another.
Here's my big point here.
Do you give yourself in love for the benefit of your spouse or for yourself?
Do you love your spouse on their terms or yours?
Like Christ who showed us the love we needed when he wasn't in need of any love back.
He had everything he needed.
And yet he showed love to us the way we need it.
Sacrificial spouse-centered love is the other side of our roof for a growing marriage.
Now, when I was growing up in my hometown in Pambula, this is going to be weird, oysters were currency.
Pambula was an oyster farming town.
Pambula and Pambula are basically sister villages sitting next to each other.
And then there's a beach and that's Pambula Beach.
All those places, if you had oysters, you had cash.
They were currency.
Now, you didn't have to like eating them to trade with someone who did like them.
Just show of hands, nice and high, who likes oysters in the room?
Okay, please take the photo down for everyone else.
Quick, there we go.
The way we love is a kind of currency.
Sometimes the love currency we receive from someone else is not valuable to us.
Love can be given but not received as love.
Just like the rest of you feel no value in receiving oysters.
Love must be received as love to be understood as love.
And so, we need to spend our love using the preferred currency of the one we love.
Last week, Steve put up this graphic of C.S. Lewis' four loves.
Romantic love, affection love, charity love, friendship love.
Another summary of love currencies is the five love languages.
You may have heard of that.
Words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, physical touch.
We all want to be loved in our preferred currency.
We give love most naturally in that same currency.
But what if our spouse doesn't want to be loved like that?
Or doesn't feel loved like that?
What if they are inept to loving us in the way we prefer to be loved?
What looks like selfishness could in fact be love given in the wrong currency?
Are you willing to tell your spouse how you most want to be loved?
Or are you willing to exchange your dollars for oysters
to ensure that your spouse experiences your love to them,
even if you don't understand or appreciate it?
Embrace your spouse with the love they love.
And I encourage you, this might be your next step.
It might take some vulnerability and bravery to ask,
but ask, how may I grow in how I show my love to you?
They might say, show me affection.
And then I encourage you to give more of your time,
your nearness, assurance.
Play or participate in some side-by-side activities with them.
Write them cards or letters.
Make more of celebrations with them.
Be playful.
Tell them how you feel out loud.
Avoid being harsh.
And if they say, friendship,
do things together that your spouse loves.
Ask them questions and listen.
Reflectively answer their questions.
Learn more about their work and appreciate it.
Their hobbies and their interests.
And work toward becoming their emotional refuge.
And if they say, I want you to serve me more.
Well, then do the change that they ask for.
Put aside yourself for the sake of your marriage
and take note of the service they affirm in you
and then keep doing it.
Worship together in church
and be generous together.
The Kellers say that
if your spouse does not feel
like you are putting them first,
then by definition, you aren't.
And here's one warning sign
that you may need to grow
in love toward your spouse.
Do you have a pseudo-spouse?
A pseudo-spouse is a person
or a pursuit
where you give and receive more love
than with your spouse.
Challenge your disbelief
that truth and love can grow
and reject
whatever your pseudo-spouse is,
them or it,
for the sake of your marriage.
Truth and love are the roof
for a growing Christian marriage.
But what if you find yourself
in a marriage
with one and not the other?
There's truth in your marriage without love.
Or there's love in your marriage
without truth.
Well, truth without love
is dangerous
because it can leave
a spouse weakened.
Without their spouse's love
to aid in their recovery
and encourage them
to grow
out of their failures
or worse,
truth is used
as a method of control,
shame,
power.
Truth,
that's truth without love.
Anger is often used
as a cover for truth.
Anger isn't always the problem,
but anger must be
like a steak,
salted
so it won't go bad,
salted
with truth,
never weaponized
to control
or hurt
because that is abuse,
not truth
and love.
Truth hurts
and won't heal
without love.
love.
But by the same
understanding,
love without truth
is similarly damaging.
Keeping the peace
is more about
avoiding truth
than being loving.
It leads to
shallow relationships
based on
surface level
affirmations
that hide
deeper bitterness
and griefs.
Without revealing
or discovering truth
and spouses
knowing
and working
on their flaws,
marriages
will end up
built
on false
love.
Eventually,
the truth
will come out
either
in great
sin
or explosions
of bitterness
or the complete
dissolving
of a marriage.
Love
without truth
is
shallow
love.
And you might
be sitting here
thinking,
how?
How am I
supposed to be
brave enough
to tell my
spouse about
their sin
or my
own failures?
how am I
supposed to
find the
strength
to ask
them
to love
me
better
or handle
hearing them
ask the
same of
me?
We need
a foundation
for truth
and love
that will
not fall
under such
a weight.
We need
to experience
reconciling
grace.
One last
Tim and
Kathy
Keller
quote
because it's
brilliant.
Only if
we are
very good
at forgiving
and repenting
can truth
and love
be kept
together.
This is
crucial.
Only if
we become
very good
at forgiving
and repenting
can truth
and love
be kept
together.
Such
grace
must
exist
in a
marriage
as a
shared
commitment
to repent
of sin.
Choose
to forgive
and reconcile
by the
power
of God.
Ephesians
4
32
says
be kind
and compassionate
to one
another
forgiving
each other
just as
in Christ
God
forgave
you.
do you
see how
grace
in the
forgiveness
of God
in Christ
is our
power
for
forgiveness?
Just as
our
motivation
to share
the truth
and give
love
flows from
Christ
giving himself
up for
us
so he
is our
source
of the
power
to forgive
for he
is the
only
perfect
person
and yet
while
undeserving
of the
punishment
of hell
for sin
he
graciously
offers
to exchange
that
perfect
life
that is
his
freely
with
your
life
of sin
with
anyone
who
would
follow
him
as
their
risen
king
in
Jesus
is
complete
forgiveness
from
God
and so
we
who
have
been
forgiven
much
are
empowered
to
forgive
much
strangely
those
we love
are often
the hardest
to forgive
this
is
probably
because
the harm
are done
from one
spouse's
actions
against
another
it
just
hurts
more
than
everyone
else
they're
meant to
love you
the most
they know
you the
most
and they
can do
the most
damage
and so
making a
choice to
forgive
such great
hurt
requires us
to grow
in grace
in mark
11
25
Jesus
commands
that we
choose
to
forgive
even as
we pray
to God
about how
we're
hurting
before
we've
confronted
those
who hurt
us
take note
of the
order
choosing
to forgive
is the
start
and then
in Matthew
18
those
hurt
by sin
or witnesses
of sin
should seek
to confront
and restore
only taking
this
need for
repentance
public
if this
person
does not
repent
sin is to
be rooted
out in
the context
of a
relationship
with
forgiveness
the goal
of confronting
a sin
or even
the potential
for sin
in someone's
life
is for
reconciliation
of that
person to
God
and to
you
never
to punish
or control
it demands
grace from
you to
bring truth
in love
and it
demands grace
in them
to receive
truth
in love
unforgiving
spouses
cannot
bear
the truth
and so
withhold
grace
and such
a house
cannot
stand
it'll fall
under the
weight
so
we need
to grow
in the power
of grace
in our
marriage
how do
we do
that
the answer
is
grow in
humility
God
did not
ask us
to earn
our
spouse's
love
back
when we
fail in
our marriage
but to
repent
and ask
for forgiveness
this mirrors
Christ
who did
not demand
people earn
their way
back
into God's
love
but he
became
their way
to be
forgiven
we're to
humbly
embody
this in
our
marriage
grace
from God
is reflected
through
us
not
created
by us
to be
reconciled
any hostility
needs to be
dealt
with
with grace
by both
spouses
the wrongdoer
needs to
repent
and ask
for forgiveness
while the
wronged
needs to
choose
forgiveness
accept
their spouse's
repentance
and grow
in their
reliance
on Christ's
grace
to them
to be
their power
to forgive
to be
their power
to show
grace
there is
no
earning
back
love
in
marriage
according
to God
God's
plan
we are
to forgive
and confront
and or
repent
and ask
for forgiveness
and both
need to
humbly
pursue
reconciliation
Ephesians 4
verse 2
says
be
completely
humble
and gentle
be patient
bearing
with one
another
in love
growing
in humility
alongside
patience
and gentleness
both fruits
of the Holy
Spirit
is how
we grow
in grace
love
to bear
with
your own
sinful
self
and your
spouse
isn't
possible
without
humility
now here
are two
warnings
really
briefly
don't
over
humiliate
yourself
into
self
loathing
you may
raise
your spouse's
opinion
of you
so highly
that you
never speak
the truth
of your
failures
or spend
your life
trying to
earn
their
forgiveness
even if
they offer
it freely
that is not
humility
that is the
fear of
losing
love
that
eats up
truth
and don't
under humble
yourself
into self
exaltation
either
even subtly
lowering your
spouse's value
below your
own
never really
giving your
love
that's not
humility
that is
pride
wielding
truth
that eats
up
love
see how
each side
need to
work together
here
instead
see yourself
rightly
through the
gospel
humiliated
and exalted
in Christ
we are
so
evil
and sinful
and flawed
that Jesus
had to die
for us
and
we are
so loved
that the
son of
God was
willing to
do that
he exalts
you
to his
place
with God
as
you achieve
nothing
to earn
it
a key
verse
in chapter
525
of Ephesians
says
Christ loved
the church
and gave
himself up
for her
it's the
ultimate
display
of humility
our sins
hurt Jesus
infinitely
more
then our
spouse's
sins
hurt us
yet Jesus
died
so we
could be
forgiven
and
so we
could
humbly
forgive
so see
yourself
and your
spouse
in light
of the
gospel
humbled
and exalted
in Christ
the goal
of grace
from spouse
to spouse
must be
revealed
in truth
and love
that humbles
both
in failure
and forgiveness
this
shared act
of humility
breaks apart
unresolved
sin
and lack
of love
to make
reconciliation
and healing
possible
even
inevitable
when we
fail each
other in
marriage
practice
sharing
truth
showing
love
and choosing
forgiveness
as you
embrace the
grace of
Christ
together
now you
might be in
this room
today and
you're not
yet married
or you're
no longer
married
but you
can carry
the blueprint
of this
a-frame house
of truth
and love
and grace
into any
friendship
any
relationship
life-giving
Christian
friendships
are built
off the
same
blueprints
and if you
aren't a
Christian
why not
consider
building your
marriage
with
Jesus
marriage is
better with
Jesus at the
heart of it
so consider
following
Jesus
such a
gracious
saviour
and rest
your life
on him
and if
you are
the lone
Christian
in your
marriage
or you're
in a
marriage
where your
spouse will
not participate
in truth
or love
or grace
take heart
your role
in your
marriage can
still bring
growth
as you
display the
grace of
Christ in
forgiving
as you
seek to
love your
spouse
as they
receive it
and as you
bravely share
the truth
with them
you display
the grace
and love
of the
truth
you display
the grace
and love
of the
truth
Christ
himself
to your
spouse
build what
you can
empowered
by Christ
who gave
himself up
for you
one day
Jesus told
the Pharisees
married
Christians
will join
him in
heaven
and marriage
will be
no more
married
or single
all who
love
Christ
more than
any other
will be
reunited
to him
as one
and until
then
a married
man and
woman
become
one flesh
our passage
today says
one flesh
in a
oneness
that is much
more than
just sex
which is often
what we think
that means
oneness
in Christian
marriage
grows
as spouses
fulfill their
roles
which Steve
is going to
talk about
next week
there we go
that's my
handball
of that
those spouses
grow
in their
oneness
in their
one flesh
together
as they
build an
a-frame
house
of truth
and love
and grace
in Christ
let's pray
heavenly
father we
need your
grace in
our lives
please
holy spirit
would you
grow us
so that we
may love
so that we
may share
truth
in love
help us
to be a
people
who display
the love
and grace
of Christ
we need
your help
in this
in our
marriages
in our
relationships
we thank
you that
you love
us
and that
you will
help us
in this
amen
to be
a
!
to be