So, Happy New Year. It is a new year. Happy Epiphany. Merry Christmas. We're still in the
Christmas season. But with a new year, it feels only right to start a new sermon series. So we're
going to be doing that this evening. So let me open by asking you a question. Music lovers,
what would you consider to be the greatest love song ever written? Greatest love song ever written?
I know that that might somewhat depend on your taste in music and whether you like
older stuff or more modern, recent stuff. Did a little research, went to billboard.com. Here's
what they had to say. Top three greatest love songs of all time. I guess that means in all
recorded human history. Here we go. In third place, We Found Love by Rihanna. It's pretty romantic.
You know, we fell in love in a hopeless place. You know, that's sweet.
Number two, greatest love song of all time. I'll Make Love to You by Boyz II Men.
You know, they were a big part of my childhood. I don't know if they were for you. Maybe I'm
dating myself. Boyz II Men, huge when I was growing up in school. And I love the directness of this song.
You know, I'm going to make love to you. That's what I'm planning to do, right? That's,
there's no mystery there, right? And then the top greatest love song of all time is Diana Ross and
Lionel Richie's Endless Love. Do you know this song? Endless Love. Dan is raised, it must be one of
his favorite songs. Endless Love. Right? So top three, I don't know if you agree. If you open the
Bible to almost the very middle of the Bible, there is another love song. And it's one that we don't
often look at or pay much attention to. It's what has come to be known as the song of songs, right?
So that's a big claim. It's not just a song. It's the song of song, the song to end all songs.
And this is a great love song. And so beginning today, we're going to actually start working our
way verse by verse through the song of songs. Now, this is going to require a longer than normal
introduction. And so we're just going to dive right in. There are a few things that I have to say
before we get started. In terms of the song of songs, this is in one sense what we consider to be
wisdom literature. So the Psalms, the Proverbs, Job, Ecclesiastes, these are wisdom literature
writing. So they function to orient us to the way things are, to help us know how to live in the
world. Wisdom literature. But also, as we're going to see in much more detail, this is erotic poetry.
It is very clearly about sexual intimacy. And it's notoriously difficult to interpret. In 10 years
of preaching and serving as a pastor, this is hands down the hardest series I've ever had to do,
simply because this book is so challenging. It's incredibly challenging. The biggest question
across history regarding the song and the interpretation of the song has been this. Number one question.
Do we interpret this as an allegory, meaning it's really meant to be a spiritual book about the
love between God and his people? Or do we interpret it literally, that this is actually about sexual
intimacy between a man and a woman? How do we interpret it? Now, historically, up until the
Reformation, the Jewish tradition and the Christian tradition, pretty much across the board, interpreted
the song in an allegorical fashion. So they said, this is allegory. It's purely spiritual. It's just a
bunch of metaphor. And actually, the Council of Constantinople in 550 AD expressly forbade teaching the
Song of Songs literally. It was forbidden. Now, I think that's kind of interesting, because most of the time,
the liberal approach to Scripture is to interpret it allegorically. You know, well, Jesus didn't
actually rise from the dead, and this isn't actually about sin as we think it is. You know, it's all
allegory, right? And conservatives tend to be the ones who take Scripture more at face value. Well, this is
what it says. And that is true for every other part of the Bible except the Song of Songs. When you get to
the Song of Songs, conservatives, for some reason, say, no, this is very obviously allegory. You know,
there's nothing to see here. Total allegory. It's only about God. It has nothing to do with humans
or human love. Those are definitely not breasts. I know it says breasts, but it's obviously not about
breasts, right? So it's a mystery. And I think that what that does is it really reveals a lot
about the discomfort that Christians have had over the centuries with sexuality. And it reveals even
more the kind of what you might consider to be a Gnostic tradition running through the church since
the early days of the church that tends to artificially and wrongfully separate the physical from the
spiritual and then to elevate the spiritual over the physical. So this could never be a book about
human sexuality or intimacy, right? And so the fact is, if you read it, as we will, it becomes impossible
to deny that this is, in fact, about human love and intimacy, the kind that exists between a husband
and wife. The entire poem is about the ideal sex and intimacy that exists within the context of a marriage
between Solomon and the Shulamite woman. And yet, as Paul says in Ephesians chapter 5,
even marriage, sex, and intimacy, even those mysteries, he says, as mysterious as that is,
it actually points us to the even deeper, greater, more ultimate mystery of the love that exists between
Christ and his church. So yes, it is about human love, and yet even human love and sex and intimacy
point us to the deeper spiritual reality of Christ and his church. So as we read this, we're going to
look at it through two lenses. First, we're going to read it as wisdom. There's a lot in here to help
us know what love is, what intimacy is, what sexuality is, what marriage is. It teaches us a lot about those
things. So it is wisdom, but it's also a window. It's a window that again and again and again will take us
deeper into the heart of God and teach us more and more and more about what that love actually means.
So one last thing before we dive in. You know, we're about ready to start, but I just want to say
one more thing about this. Why study the Song of Psalms? That's what my wife asked me. She said,
of all the things that you could do, why would you do this? And that's a fairly common conversation in our
house, but she said it with particular vehemence, you know, as I was preparing to do this. And, you
know, and there's really, there's a lot of reasons I could give. I'll give you two. Number one, I've been
having conversations for 10 years about sexuality and it's a function of where we live and who we
minister to. But most of the time when people think about what the Bible has to say about sex
and about intimacy, they think in terms of what the Bible says is allowed or not allowed. These
things are okay. These things are not okay. And the only commentary the Bible really offers us is
where's the line? What's okay? What's not okay? It's very sad that that's the case because right here,
the Song of Songs, in my opinion, is one of the deepest, richest, most profound sources of wisdom
and beauty and truth when it comes to sexuality and intimacy and marriage that I think you can find
anywhere. And yet it is very seldom preached and it's largely overlooked for maybe some of the reasons
that we've already described. So that's the first reason. The second reason is this. I think everybody
out there, religious, irreligious, left, right, I think everybody would agree that there are issues in our
society related to sex. That we have some problems. And you look at Harvey Weinstein and porn epidemic and
all these things, nobody's going to say, I think we're all in a great place. But here's the thing
that I'm going to contend again and again and again over the next few weeks is that our fundamental
problem in our society is not a sex problem. It's an intimacy problem. That in fact, we as a society
may be over-sexed, we may be sex-obsessed, but we are starving for intimacy. And the good news is,
this book is not actually about sex. What it's really about is intimacy. It's about the kind of
intimacy that God designed us to experience with one another, but also with him. And so our central
focus over the next few weeks is going to be understanding this intimacy. So whether you're
someone who is, you're single and you're longing for intimacy, you're married and you're longing for
intimacy, maybe you're dating somebody that you hope to marry one day, maybe you're dating somebody
that you should probably break up with. Maybe you're in a sexless marriage. Maybe you're in a lonely
marriage. Maybe you're in a marriage where the sex is good and the intimacy is good and you just want
to maintain that. Wherever you are, my hope in prayer is that this will have something to say
to everybody because intimacy is a core part of what it means to be a human being. So today,
what we're going to do is we're going to look just at the first eight verses of Song of Songs,
chapter one. We don't have time to do any more than that. And we're going to read through this
together verse by verse. And along the way, I'll draw out three points about intimacy and what it
takes to build intimacy. So let's pray. Our Heavenly Father, you say in your word that all
scripture is profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, for our growth. And Lord, we open
these words together trusting that promise that we're not going to rely on human wisdom or rhetoric,
but rather we deeply desire our author, our maker, to teach us about our hearts and ultimately to draw
us deeper into your heart. And so we pray this with reverence and expectation. And we say all of it in
the name of our Lord Jesus Christ. Amen. So Song of Songs, chapter one, verse one. Let's put it up on the
screen. It opens this way. This is kind of the introductory verse, the Song of Songs, which is
Solomon's. Now I want to say a few things about Solomon. This could be translated the song which
was authored by Solomon or the song which is about Solomon or the song which pertains to Solomon's
court. There are a number of ways it could be translated. I tend to side with the scholars who say
that the Song of Songs was indeed written by Solomon and that it was written late in his life when he was
an older man. And I actually believe that Solomon wrote this almost as an act of repentance.
That as God inspired and guided his hand, Solomon, as he reflected on his life, wrote the Song of Songs
as a kind of vision of the life and the marriage and the intimacy that he wishes he could have had
if he had made different choices in his youth. So I think there's a kind of reflective longing
that's embedded in the Song of Songs. Now in real life, if you look at 1 Kings chapter 11,
we learn that Solomon in fact had 700 wives and 300 concubines. Now you can try to explain some of
that away, political alliances and that's the way things were back then and yada yada. Even by ancient
Near Eastern standards, this is excessive. Excessive. It's funny that you have to say that,
but a thousand women is excessive, okay? And it doesn't say this in the text, but it makes one
wonder, is there a sex addiction in operation here? What's going on? Now, fortunately for us,
Solomon also wrote the book of Ecclesiastes, another wisdom book. And in it, he is also writing from the
perspective of an old man reflecting back on choices that he's made and what he's learned.
And so if we look at Ecclesiastes chapter 2, he says, he explains his reasoning in building this vast
army of women. He says, I said in my heart, come now, I will test you with pleasure. Enjoy yourself.
And then it says he gathered a great harem of the most beautiful women in the land. Anyone, you know,
the best of the best. And then it says in verse 10, and whatever my eyes desired, I did not keep
from them. I kept my heart from no pleasure. Sounds like our modern sexual ethic more or less,
right? If I desired it, I did it. And then at the end of the chapter, here's what Solomon concludes.
After all of that, here's his conclusion. It was all meaningless.
It was all empty. I was chasing the wind. So this is a man who had all the sex he wanted
with the most beautiful women in the land. And at the end of it all, he's essentially confessing,
I'm empty inside. I'm hollow. All of that meant nothing. I was chasing the wind.
And I think what we can conclude is that Solomon all the while had not been searching for sex or
sexual gratification. He had actually been searching for intimacy. And he never found it,
at least not there. So this is the first point I want to make. I know we're only one verse in,
but let's make one point here. It's a very important point as we start this book together.
Here's the first point about intimacy. Intimacy is vital for human flourishing. It's vital. Every single
human being here needs intimacy. Sexual gratification is not. Now, sexual reproduction is necessary for
the furthering of the species. But sexual gratification as we define it in our society
is not. Intimacy is. Sexual gratification is not. See, the reason that we need to make that point is
because I think like Solomon, our culture has it exactly backwards. We prioritize sexual gratification
over intimacy. Like no other culture in history, we somehow have the idea that if I'm not having
great sex regularly or when I want it, if that's not regularly a part of my life, then something is
wrong with me. If I'm not doing that, then that's a problem. And if I go long enough out doing it,
then I'm going to develop some kind of pathology. On the other hand, we treat intimacy as though it's
optional. Intimacy is something that you need to be careful of. You don't want to get entangled
until you're ready. And we treat it in many ways like a switch, right? We've come to treat intimacy
like a switch that we can flip on and off when it fits into our life instead of understanding that
intimacy is a capacity that needs to be developed over time. So we say, for instance, we say to women,
you know, it's empowering for you to avoid emotional entanglement. One author says that we treat emotional
entanglement and intimacy today like an unwanted pregnancy 30 years ago. You know, if you allow that to
happen, it's going to derail your life. So we tell women, avoid that. What you need to do is, you know, it's okay
to hook up. It's okay to pseudo date, which is kind of on again, off again. Maybe he'll text, maybe he won't,
hooking up when both of us have had enough to drink kind of dating. And it's okay to do that,
but as long as you don't care too much, because you need to focus on your education and your career
and getting ahead. And then when you're, you've gotten to that place where you're established,
then you can be open to intimacy. In other words, when you, when you arrive and you have that career,
then flip the switch and look around and you're ready for intimacy. Turn it on, but keep it off before
then. We say likewise about pornography. We say, you know, pornography, part of a sexually liberated
culture. Pornography is a good thing. Free speech. We need to have it out there. It's good for
everybody to have the kind of society where that's out there and, and you can use it. And it's just a
normal sexual outlet that you can use if you need to. But you know, we tell men just, you know, turn
the switch off when you're using porn. And then when you're with your partner or spouse or whatever,
flip the switch on as though you can just flip it on and off. And in reality, what this actually does
is we are behaviorally conditioning people to separate sex and intimacy over time. We are
conditioning people to separate those things. And so this produces men who are increasingly
incapable of being sexually aroused by a real flesh and blood woman. And you have married men who are
relying on pornography to arouse them so that they can then engage with their wife, right? You have men who,
who simply can't feel any real desire for anyone who's actually a real person. And it produces women
who struggle with, with emotional despair and self-hatred and loneliness. Yeah, I don't know if you read the
piece by Leah Fessler. She was a student at Middlebury College and she did her senior thesis on the hookup
culture at Middlebury. And she, so she interviews all of these women. She does a survey and an in-person
interviews and tries to get a great representative sample. Here's what she concludes. I don't know if
this is going to surprise you or not, but virtually every single woman she talked to said the same
thing. They play along with the hookup culture. You know, they go along with it. They pretend not to
mind it either because they think it's pro-feminist or because they secretly hope that if they hook up
and that leads to another hookup, that that might actually turn into a real dating relationship.
So they play along for a number of reasons. But deep down across the board, all these women hate it.
They hate it. And they find that, you know, she says, the problem is I would tell myself,
I don't care, don't care, don't care. And then we would start having sex and guess what would
happen? I would start caring and I would start checking my phone. I would wonder why hasn't he texted
me? Why haven't I heard from him? And it's been two weeks, it's been three weeks. And she says,
she would just start obsessing. And she says that's all she would do with her friends is they
would obsess over these guys that they're not supposed to care about. And yet they care.
And it's driving them crazy. And here's what she says. She says, in reality, talking about herself
and her friends, listen to this. We were desperate to know what it felt like to be wanted.
We were desperate for a chance at intimacy.
Now, while most women hate the hookup culture,
most men love it. That's simple, simple truth.
And just to be totally honest,
it is very hard, I think, for many women to sleep with
a guy and not start to develop feelings.
It's very easy for guys to do that.
Guys can, we can,
a guy can literally sleep with a woman,
have a great time, and literally
walk away and never care about them again.
I mean,
that's just the way it is.
That's not to say
it doesn't do damage.
It's just not felt
quite so
quickly.
I think a lot of men are very much like Solomon.
It can take us maybe years
before we start to realize
there's something really wrong in here.
I'm really empty.
It can take us years to begin to realize,
and maybe only after we get into a marriage
where we begin to realize,
I actually don't know how to have intimacy.
I have never developed that capacity.
I've not cared and not cared and not cared,
and now I'm really good at it.
I don't even know what intimacy means.
Right?
So,
as we reflect on this,
I want to contrast that
with an example of a man that I know
who got married.
He and his wife were very attracted to each other,
and soon after they got married,
she developed a medical condition,
which meant she was unable to have sex.
And so this couple,
they were together for over 30 years
until she passed away.
30 years of a sexless marriage.
And you know what he says in the aftermath of that?
He says,
we had an amazing marriage.
And he says,
at first,
at first I panicked,
and I didn't know what I was going to do,
and I didn't know if I was going to make it,
and all my friends told me to trust the Lord
and stay in it.
And he says,
very soon I began to realize something
that totally took me off guard.
He says,
I began to realize
that my deep emotional need for intimacy
far outweighed my need for sexual desire,
sexual gratification.
And he says,
it wasn't easy,
and ideally in a marriage you have both.
Ideally you have both.
He said,
but what I learned is
that what I really needed is intimacy.
In their marriage,
they had an amazingly,
profoundly intimate marriage.
In many ways,
he says,
the fact that they couldn't have sex
forced them to develop intimacy
in all kinds of other ways.
He said it was profoundly intimate
and profoundly satisfying
and fulfilling marriage.
But no sex.
Now I will say this before we move on.
Ideally you have both.
Right?
And here's the way it works.
The more intimacy you have,
the better the sex.
The more intimacy you have,
the better the sex.
Good sex has nothing to do with technique.
It has everything to do
with intimacy
and emotional connection.
So for those people who are married,
that is where the focus needs to be
if you want a great sex life.
Develop intimacy.
And that's what we're going to be talking about
for the next few weeks
so you're in the right place.
We're going to be moving on now.
We have to look
and actually get into the song itself.
I want to say this.
This is a song.
So it's meant to be sung.
So imagine we're at a wedding
and this is a song
that could have easily been sung
across the week
of a Jewish wedding celebration.
And there are multiple parts.
You know,
I toyed with the idea
of having people come up
and sing the different parts
to kind of illustrate that.
And then I realized
that would be horrendously awkward.
So we're not going to do that.
I mean,
have you read this?
So, you know,
and I don't know
who would even volunteer for that.
So,
but imagine,
if you will,
you have instruments playing
and, you know,
people playing instruments
and then we have three singing parts.
There's,
there's the Shulamite woman
and she sings over half the verses,
about 55 verses.
Then there's the Solomon,
the man.
And then we have the chorus
and the chorus chimes in
throughout the song.
And that's very important.
We'll come back to that.
So,
let's get into the song itself.
Beginning with verse 2.
This is the Shulamite woman
as she begins to sing.
Let him kiss me
with the kisses of his mouth.
For your love is better than wine.
Your anointing oils are fragrant.
Your name is oil poured out.
Therefore,
virgins love you.
Draw me after you.
Let us run.
The king has brought me
into his chambers.
So that can be translated,
may the king bring me
into his chamber.
Now,
let's go forward.
Here the chorus chimes in
and they say,
we will exult
and rejoice in you.
We will extol your love
more than wine.
Rightly do they love you.
Now,
this is the community
weighing in
and saying,
we approve of this.
We love you guys together.
More of this.
You guys go spend time together.
We're so excited
that you love each other,
right?
And then,
as we move forward,
now it comes back
to the woman
and the woman gets personal.
And we begin to learn
a little more about her heart.
She says,
I'm very dark,
but lovely.
Now,
that's not a racial darkness.
This is,
she's,
it's a suntan.
We'll,
I'll show you why
a little bit further on.
She says,
I'm very dark,
but lovely,
O daughters of Jerusalem,
like the tents of Kedar,
like the curtains of Solomon.
Do not gaze at me
because I'm dark,
because the sun
has looked upon me.
My mother's sons
were angry with me.
They made me keeper
of the vineyards,
but my own vineyard
I have not kept.
So what's happening here?
Well,
we're,
we're beginning to see
a little more
about this woman.
This Shulamite woman
is obviously attracted
to the man.
She says,
I want him to kiss me
right now.
I want him to take me
into his chamber,
which means sexual intimacy,
right now.
And she's obviously
attracted to him physically.
She says,
you know,
I like the way he looks.
I want him to kiss me.
I like the way he smells.
Men used to wear
scented oil,
a lot like ancient
Near Eastern Cologne.
But then,
what does she say?
She says,
you know,
I'm not only physically
attracted to him.
He says,
she says,
your name
is like its own form
of perfume.
And I'm drawn to that.
Now,
by name,
she means his whole person.
In other words,
she's attracted
not just to his physical appearance,
but to his character.
You have a good name.
You have a good reputation.
You're well known.
You're well respected.
And I'm drawn to that.
I'm drawn to the fact
that you're a man of integrity.
So that's what she's really drawn to.
Now,
if we go to this passage,
beginning in verse 5,
we learn that not only is he
a man of good character,
but she is as well.
She's here talking
about her insecurity.
She goes,
you know,
don't look at me.
And notice she's not saying it
to the man,
she's saying it to the women.
Sometimes women can be
really critical
of one another's appearance,
right?
And so I know some women
who worry way more
about what other women think
than they do about
what the guys
are trying to impress think,
you know?
So she says,
oh,
you know,
daughters of Jerusalem,
don't judge me
because I have dark skin.
And she goes,
I'll tell you why
I have such dark skin.
Her dad's not in the picture.
He's never mentioned once,
which is odd,
so he's probably dead.
And so her brothers
have more than likely
had to take over
the family business.
And so they're very resentful,
obviously,
about that.
And so they've put
all that responsibility
on her.
So she's been so busy
tending to the family business
that she has not been able
to keep up her appearance.
And so notice
what she's saying.
She goes,
I'm very insecure about this.
Don't judge me about this.
Don't judge my appearance.
Here's why I look the way I do.
But under that,
we see that she's also
a woman of tremendous character.
She's a woman
who's willing to sacrifice
her appearance
in order to do
what needs to be done
to provide for her family,
to be responsible.
And so we see
that this is a couple
where both the man
and the woman
are people of deep character.
And that's really,
really important
because it leads us
to the second point
we want to make
about intimacy,
that intimacy involves
the whole person.
It involves
the whole person.
And the reason
I need to make this point
is because there are
a lot of people these days
who say that they're
terrified of getting married
and terrified of
losing their desire.
What if I get married
and then we stop
being attracted?
to each other.
But the thing
we need to realize
is that the thing
that gives long-term
satisfaction in marriage
is not physical attraction.
It's not.
And to be totally honest,
no matter how attractive
you are,
no matter how attractive
the person is
that you marry,
give it enough time
and two things
are going to happen.
One,
it's just going to
ebb and flow.
Ask anybody
with young kids,
elementary school
or younger age kids
and they're probably
in an ebb.
It's just a reality.
It's a reality.
Or there's not quite
as much flow
as they would like.
So that life
just does that to you.
And the other thing
that's going to happen
is over time
we all just become
less physically attractive.
attractive.
In our society
if we thought
age was attractive
which we probably should
it would be different.
But in our society
we will all be considered
less attractive
10, 15 years from now
as we are right now.
It's just going to happen.
But the thing
that matters
and the thing
that remains
is character.
In other words
who are you
when no one
is looking?
That's what I mean
by character.
So for those of you
who are looking
for someone
to be with
trying to figure out
who you want to date
and actually marry
physical attraction matters.
Don't let anyone
tell you that
physical attraction
doesn't matter.
It does.
But it doesn't matter
nearly as much
as character.
It doesn't matter
nearly as much
as what a person
is like on the inside.
So I'll ask you
these questions.
Are you attracted?
Think about the person
you're with
or want to be with.
Are you attracted
to their character?
Is their name
like a perfume
that draws you?
If you lost your sight
and could no longer
see them
would you still
want to be with them?
Right?
Do they share
your values?
Do they share
your love for the Lord?
Do they prioritize
faith the way you do?
Is there a commonality
of personhood there
or not?
If not
if the answer
to those questions
are no
you should probably
get out
because you're
setting yourself up
for disaster.
By the way
this is why
it's really important
that the chorus
is chiming in
and saying
we approve
of this relationship.
because it is
very, very, very
easy to allow
physical intimacy
and physical attraction
to blind you
to major
characterological
red flags.
You can have
red flags in the
relationship
red flags in the
person's character
but you can be
blinded if there's
enough physical
connection.
You can be tempted
to minimize those
things.
Five or ten years
from now
those things
are massive.
It's why it's
very important
to have a
community involved
every step
of the way.
For married
people I would
say don't worry
about losing
the spark.
It happens.
It comes and
goes.
And don't worry
about getting
old as though
somehow this
will fade.
You know some
people say
well when I get
older I'll just
get a little
nip-tuck.
I'll get a little
Botox and I'll
be okay.
And you know
if that's your
thing then good
on you.
But I'll say
this.
That's not going
to make for a
healthy intimate
marriage or a
great sex life.
The thing that
is going to
make a massive
difference is if
you spend between
now and over
the next five,
ten, fifteen,
twenty, twenty-five
years focusing on
your relationship
with the Lord
allowing the Holy
Spirit to work
in you to
transform you to
shape and to
mold your
character then
the older you
get the more
beautiful you will
become.
It's a promise.
It's a guarantee.
So this is the
second point.
So first point
intimacy is vital
for human
flourishing.
Sexual gratification
not necessarily.
Second point
intimacy involves
the whole person.
It's not just
physical.
It's much more
about who we
are.
It's a person
on person
life on life
union.
Third point
very quickly
as we're coming
to the end
of our time
we're going
to get a little
more into
we're going
to hear from
him for the
first time
and we're
going to see
the way they
interact.
Let's move
forward.
Verse seven
tell me
this is the
woman speaking
to the man
tell me
you whom my
soul loves
where you
pasture your
flock
where you
make it
lie down
at noon
for why
should I
be like
one who
veils
herself
beside the
flocks of
your
companions.
Interesting.
So now he
responds
if you do
not know
oh most
beautiful
among
women
follow in
the tracks
of the
flock
and pasture
your young
goats
beside the
shepherd's
tents.
Let's unpack
some of
this.
What's
happening?
They're
flirting with
each other.
This is
playful.
It's
actually
wonderfully
playful
language.
She's
essentially
saying hey
where are you
going to be
later?
Yeah I
know you
got a
break
coming up.
Where are
you going
to be?
I kind
of want
to hang
out.
And she's
putting herself
out there.
Whoever said
by the way
that the
biblical
model is
for the
woman to
wait and
for the
man to
kind of
act and
pursue
has never
read
Song of
Songs.
She's
incredibly
bold and
confident.
She's
like hey
where are
you going
to be?
I want
to be
there
with you
so we
can connect
and spend
time together.
Right?
And so
she's putting
herself out
there.
She's taking
a massive
risk.
And so
she's being
flirtatious
because she
says you
know you
can tell
me where
you're
going to
be and
if you
don't I'll
just have
to go
looking among
all of
your friends
tents.
They're
probably going
to think I'm
interested in
them.
So if you
want that to
happen then
okay.
That's what
she's saying
because a
woman with
a veiled
face is a
prostitute.
She's like
all your
friends are
going to
think I'm
a prostitute.
Just tell
me where
you're going
to be.
It's great.
And then he
responds playfully
as well.
He doesn't
just say well
meet me here
at this time.
He says hey
I've left
some clues
for you.
Follow the
clues.
And you
follow the
clues.
It's kind
of a romantic
game.
And he
says and
I'll meet
you there.
And they're
arranging a
kind of rendezvous
out in the
fields so they
can be alone
together.
It's incredibly
romantic.
So this is
what's going
on.
And this
leads us to
the third
point I want
to make
really quickly.
Third point
about intimacy.
Intimacy is a
rhythm of
invitation and
response.
It's a rhythm
of invitation
and response.
She's inviting
the man to
connect with
her and he
is reciprocating
in kind.
Now what do I
mean by this?
How does it
apply to us?
There's a man
named John
Gottman who's
done a lifetime's
worth of research
on what makes
marriage work.
And he can
famously predict,
some of you
know, with
94% accuracy,
he can listen
to a snippet
of conversation
and predict
with 94%
accuracy whether
or not a
couple will
still be
together in
five years
time or if
they will be
divorced.
Now you
ask, well how
does he know?
How can he be
so sure?
Well, one of
the most
groundbreaking
discoveries he
made about
marital intimacy
involves what he
calls bids.
He says over
the course of
the day,
couples will
make bids for
one another's
affection and
engagement.
They will, in
other words,
invite connection
like this
Shulamite woman
is doing with
Solomon.
Now sometimes
this can be
more overt,
like she's
saying, where
are you going
to be?
When you're
on break,
let's hang
out.
But a lot
of times it's
more subtle,
right?
So it could
be I'm sitting
in my living
room, and
maybe Laura's
reading a book
or a magazine
and I'm
working on my
computer and
Laura looks up
and says,
hey Tommy,
can I read this
quote to you?
Now I could
say, yeah,
and I could
close my
laptop and I
could say,
yeah, what is
it?
Or I could
say, no, I'm
really busy, maybe
later, right?
Now that doesn't
seem like a big
deal, but
Gottman says what's
actually going on
is it's not
actually about the
quote.
Maybe in the
moment, in
Laura's mind it
is, but what's
really going on is
it's an opportunity
for me to
emotionally connect,
to validate the
things that she
cares about,
to take a
moment out of
my time to
enter into her
world.
And that's a
bid.
And Gottman
says, in fact,
that when you
look at people
who either
habitually accept
one another's
bids for
connection or
habitually reject,
you see a
massive difference.
Here's the
difference.
Couples that
end up getting
divorced, the
average number of
times they engage
one another's
bids, 33% of the
time.
So three out
of ten times
they're engaging.
The rest of the
time they're
saying, no, I'm
too busy.
Now compare that
to healthy
marriages, couples
that stay
together.
On average, they
respond in one
another's bids, they
engage 87% of the
time.
That's almost nine
out of ten times
that they engage.
That difference
alone, Gottman
says, can account
for whether or
not people stay
together.
So here's the
thing we need to
understand.
Intimacy is not
the fruit of
major, you
know, expensive
nights out and
nice presents and
things like that.
Intimacy is the
fruit of daily
interactions, many
of them quite
mundane.
Taking a moment
out of your time to
engage in what your
spouse is doing.
That over time, maybe
one or two times of
saying I'm too busy
doesn't matter, doesn't
seem like much, but
over time it has a
massive cumulative
effect.
This is how
intimacy is built.
Dozens and
dozens of
invitations and
responses.
So here's the
point I want to
make about this.
If you're dating
somebody right now
or thinking about
or if you find
yourself dating
somebody, you need
to very seriously
ask this question.
Does this person
actually care about
the things that I
care about enough
to engage with me
on them?
Do they just want
to hook up with
me?
Do they just want
to hang out with
me when we're
talking about
things or doing
things that they
want to do?
Or will they
regularly take time
and energy out of
what they're doing
to engage with the
things that matter
to me?
That's a massive
determiner of the
capacity that you
will have for
intimacy.
That's a massive
determiner of the
quality of your
sex life.
Five, ten years
down the road.
Whether or not
somebody will shut
their computer or
turn off their
iPhone and take
that moment to say
yeah, what was it
you wanted to say?
That's it.
It's not rocket
science.
And if you're
married, intimacy
again is not about
the big showy
displays of
affection like
big trips or
weekends at B&B's
although those
things are fun.
By all means do
them.
But intimacy is
built through
these small
mundane daily
interactions.
Do you have a
posture of turning
toward or a
posture of turning
against?
So these are the
three points we
got to stop here
for the sake of
time.
Three points that
I want to make
opening our
series about
intimacy.
Intimacy is
vital for human
flourishing.
Sexual gratification
is not.
Intimacy involves
the whole person.
And thirdly,
intimacy is this
rhythm, this
dance of
invitation response
dozens of times
every day.
So there's one
final thing we
need to see,
one final point
I need to make
before we close
for tonight.
As we've talked
about all of
these forms of
human intimacy,
we also need to
acknowledge that
no matter how much
intimacy we have
as human beings,
it will never be
enough.
You'll never
arrive.
You'll never be
fully satisfied.
You'll never be
in a marriage and
say, now all my
needs are met.
And the reason
for that is
because we're
made not just
for intimacy
with other human
beings, we're
actually made for
intimacy with the
Lord.
So at the end
of the day,
the thing that is
most important is
not whether I
ever have this
intimacy with
another person,
because some of
us will and
some of us
won't.
What matters is,
will I ever have
this kind of
intimacy with
God?
Because that's
the primary
relationship that
we're designed
to have.
And Jesus'
prayer in John
17 is about
that.
He says,
through my
sacrifice, I
desire that all
of my people
would experience
perfect oneness
with God.
He says in
verse 21,
that they may
all be one,
just as you,
Father, are in
me and I in
you, that they
also may be in
us.
That's intimacy.
intimacy.
The problem
is, I think,
many of us
approach God,
many of us
approach life
feeling like the
Shulamite woman.
I think all of
us do.
In the sense
that, you know,
she says,
don't judge me
because of my
skin.
But I think a
lot of our
insecurities go
way deeper.
We say,
don't look at
me.
If you only
knew.
If you only
knew.
Even as we're
sitting here
talking about
sexuality and
past and bad
decisions, I
know all kinds
of things are
coming to our
minds and we're
thinking, man,
if anybody knew
that thing I
did, if anybody
knew what I'm
like in this
situation, if
anybody knew what
I was doing
earlier today, if
anybody knew,
they would run.
We're like that
woman who says,
don't look at me,
don't look at that,
don't look at that
part of me, just
focus on the good
stuff, don't look
at the bad
stuff.
And we're terrified
of intimacy because
we're terrified of
anybody seeing
that stuff and
rejecting us.
And the great
news of the
gospel and the
reason that all
of us have hope
for this kind of
intimacy is that
when we come to
Jesus, when we
confess those things
to Jesus, who is
by the way the
truer and better
Solomon, he's the
one who says to
us, just like we
read, you are the
love of my life.
You are the one my
soul loves.
He says, you're the
one for whom I gave
my life.
And then he raises
our eyes to meet
his and he says,
and you belong
with me.
Because I made
you and I made
you for myself.
Let's pray.