WEBVTT

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 So, Happy New Year. It is a new year. Happy Epiphany. Merry Christmas. We're still in the

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 Christmas season. But with a new year, it feels only right to start a new sermon series. So we're

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 going to be doing that this evening. So let me open by asking you a question. Music lovers,

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 what would you consider to be the greatest love song ever written? Greatest love song ever written?

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 I know that that might somewhat depend on your taste in music and whether you like

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 older stuff or more modern, recent stuff. Did a little research, went to billboard.com. Here's

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 what they had to say. Top three greatest love songs of all time. I guess that means in all

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 recorded human history. Here we go. In third place, We Found Love by Rihanna. It's pretty romantic.

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 You know, we fell in love in a hopeless place. You know, that's sweet.

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 Number two, greatest love song of all time. I'll Make Love to You by Boyz II Men.

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 You know, they were a big part of my childhood. I don't know if they were for you. Maybe I'm

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 dating myself. Boyz II Men, huge when I was growing up in school. And I love the directness of this song.

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 You know, I'm going to make love to you. That's what I'm planning to do, right? That's,

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 there's no mystery there, right? And then the top greatest love song of all time is Diana Ross and

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 Lionel Richie's Endless Love. Do you know this song? Endless Love. Dan is raised, it must be one of

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 his favorite songs. Endless Love. Right? So top three, I don't know if you agree. If you open the

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 Bible to almost the very middle of the Bible, there is another love song. And it's one that we don't

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 often look at or pay much attention to. It's what has come to be known as the song of songs, right?

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 So that's a big claim. It's not just a song. It's the song of song, the song to end all songs.

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 And this is a great love song. And so beginning today, we're going to actually start working our

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 way verse by verse through the song of songs. Now, this is going to require a longer than normal

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 introduction. And so we're just going to dive right in. There are a few things that I have to say

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 before we get started. In terms of the song of songs, this is in one sense what we consider to be

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 wisdom literature. So the Psalms, the Proverbs, Job, Ecclesiastes, these are wisdom literature

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 writing. So they function to orient us to the way things are, to help us know how to live in the

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 world. Wisdom literature. But also, as we're going to see in much more detail, this is erotic poetry.

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 It is very clearly about sexual intimacy. And it's notoriously difficult to interpret. In 10 years

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 of preaching and serving as a pastor, this is hands down the hardest series I've ever had to do,

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 simply because this book is so challenging. It's incredibly challenging. The biggest question

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 across history regarding the song and the interpretation of the song has been this. Number one question.

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 Do we interpret this as an allegory, meaning it's really meant to be a spiritual book about the

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 love between God and his people? Or do we interpret it literally, that this is actually about sexual

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 intimacy between a man and a woman? How do we interpret it? Now, historically, up until the

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 Reformation, the Jewish tradition and the Christian tradition, pretty much across the board, interpreted

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 the song in an allegorical fashion. So they said, this is allegory. It's purely spiritual. It's just a

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 bunch of metaphor. And actually, the Council of Constantinople in 550 AD expressly forbade teaching the

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 Song of Songs literally. It was forbidden. Now, I think that's kind of interesting, because most of the time,

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 the liberal approach to Scripture is to interpret it allegorically. You know, well, Jesus didn't

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 actually rise from the dead, and this isn't actually about sin as we think it is. You know, it's all

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 allegory, right? And conservatives tend to be the ones who take Scripture more at face value. Well, this is

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 what it says. And that is true for every other part of the Bible except the Song of Songs. When you get to

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 the Song of Songs, conservatives, for some reason, say, no, this is very obviously allegory. You know,

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 there's nothing to see here. Total allegory. It's only about God. It has nothing to do with humans

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 or human love. Those are definitely not breasts. I know it says breasts, but it's obviously not about

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 breasts, right? So it's a mystery. And I think that what that does is it really reveals a lot

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 about the discomfort that Christians have had over the centuries with sexuality. And it reveals even

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 more the kind of what you might consider to be a Gnostic tradition running through the church since

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 the early days of the church that tends to artificially and wrongfully separate the physical from the

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 spiritual and then to elevate the spiritual over the physical. So this could never be a book about

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 human sexuality or intimacy, right? And so the fact is, if you read it, as we will, it becomes impossible

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 to deny that this is, in fact, about human love and intimacy, the kind that exists between a husband

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 and wife. The entire poem is about the ideal sex and intimacy that exists within the context of a marriage

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 between Solomon and the Shulamite woman. And yet, as Paul says in Ephesians chapter 5,

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 even marriage, sex, and intimacy, even those mysteries, he says, as mysterious as that is,

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 it actually points us to the even deeper, greater, more ultimate mystery of the love that exists between

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 Christ and his church. So yes, it is about human love, and yet even human love and sex and intimacy

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 point us to the deeper spiritual reality of Christ and his church. So as we read this, we're going to

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 look at it through two lenses. First, we're going to read it as wisdom. There's a lot in here to help

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 us know what love is, what intimacy is, what sexuality is, what marriage is. It teaches us a lot about those

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 things. So it is wisdom, but it's also a window. It's a window that again and again and again will take us

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 deeper into the heart of God and teach us more and more and more about what that love actually means.

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 So one last thing before we dive in. You know, we're about ready to start, but I just want to say

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 one more thing about this. Why study the Song of Psalms? That's what my wife asked me. She said,

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 of all the things that you could do, why would you do this? And that's a fairly common conversation in our

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 house, but she said it with particular vehemence, you know, as I was preparing to do this. And, you

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 know, and there's really, there's a lot of reasons I could give. I'll give you two. Number one, I've been

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 having conversations for 10 years about sexuality and it's a function of where we live and who we

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 minister to. But most of the time when people think about what the Bible has to say about sex

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 and about intimacy, they think in terms of what the Bible says is allowed or not allowed. These

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 things are okay. These things are not okay. And the only commentary the Bible really offers us is

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 where's the line? What's okay? What's not okay? It's very sad that that's the case because right here,

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 the Song of Songs, in my opinion, is one of the deepest, richest, most profound sources of wisdom

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 and beauty and truth when it comes to sexuality and intimacy and marriage that I think you can find

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 anywhere. And yet it is very seldom preached and it's largely overlooked for maybe some of the reasons

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 that we've already described. So that's the first reason. The second reason is this. I think everybody

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 out there, religious, irreligious, left, right, I think everybody would agree that there are issues in our

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 society related to sex. That we have some problems. And you look at Harvey Weinstein and porn epidemic and

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 all these things, nobody's going to say, I think we're all in a great place. But here's the thing

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 that I'm going to contend again and again and again over the next few weeks is that our fundamental

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 problem in our society is not a sex problem. It's an intimacy problem. That in fact, we as a society

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 may be over-sexed, we may be sex-obsessed, but we are starving for intimacy. And the good news is,

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 this book is not actually about sex. What it's really about is intimacy. It's about the kind of

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 intimacy that God designed us to experience with one another, but also with him. And so our central

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 focus over the next few weeks is going to be understanding this intimacy. So whether you're

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 someone who is, you're single and you're longing for intimacy, you're married and you're longing for

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 intimacy, maybe you're dating somebody that you hope to marry one day, maybe you're dating somebody

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 that you should probably break up with. Maybe you're in a sexless marriage. Maybe you're in a lonely

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 marriage. Maybe you're in a marriage where the sex is good and the intimacy is good and you just want

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 to maintain that. Wherever you are, my hope in prayer is that this will have something to say

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 to everybody because intimacy is a core part of what it means to be a human being. So today,

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 what we're going to do is we're going to look just at the first eight verses of Song of Songs,

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 chapter one. We don't have time to do any more than that. And we're going to read through this

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 together verse by verse. And along the way, I'll draw out three points about intimacy and what it

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 takes to build intimacy. So let's pray. Our Heavenly Father, you say in your word that all

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 scripture is profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, for our growth. And Lord, we open

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 these words together trusting that promise that we're not going to rely on human wisdom or rhetoric,

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 but rather we deeply desire our author, our maker, to teach us about our hearts and ultimately to draw

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 us deeper into your heart. And so we pray this with reverence and expectation. And we say all of it in

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 the name of our Lord Jesus Christ. Amen. So Song of Songs, chapter one, verse one. Let's put it up on the

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 screen. It opens this way. This is kind of the introductory verse, the Song of Songs, which is

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 Solomon's. Now I want to say a few things about Solomon. This could be translated the song which

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 was authored by Solomon or the song which is about Solomon or the song which pertains to Solomon's

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 court. There are a number of ways it could be translated. I tend to side with the scholars who say

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 that the Song of Songs was indeed written by Solomon and that it was written late in his life when he was

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 an older man. And I actually believe that Solomon wrote this almost as an act of repentance.

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 That as God inspired and guided his hand, Solomon, as he reflected on his life, wrote the Song of Songs

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 as a kind of vision of the life and the marriage and the intimacy that he wishes he could have had

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 if he had made different choices in his youth. So I think there's a kind of reflective longing

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 that's embedded in the Song of Songs. Now in real life, if you look at 1 Kings chapter 11,

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 we learn that Solomon in fact had 700 wives and 300 concubines. Now you can try to explain some of

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 that away, political alliances and that's the way things were back then and yada yada. Even by ancient

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 Near Eastern standards, this is excessive. Excessive. It's funny that you have to say that,

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 but a thousand women is excessive, okay? And it doesn't say this in the text, but it makes one

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 wonder, is there a sex addiction in operation here? What's going on? Now, fortunately for us,

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 Solomon also wrote the book of Ecclesiastes, another wisdom book. And in it, he is also writing from the

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 perspective of an old man reflecting back on choices that he's made and what he's learned.

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 And so if we look at Ecclesiastes chapter 2, he says, he explains his reasoning in building this vast

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 army of women. He says, I said in my heart, come now, I will test you with pleasure. Enjoy yourself.

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 And then it says he gathered a great harem of the most beautiful women in the land. Anyone, you know,

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 the best of the best. And then it says in verse 10, and whatever my eyes desired, I did not keep

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 from them. I kept my heart from no pleasure. Sounds like our modern sexual ethic more or less,

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 right? If I desired it, I did it. And then at the end of the chapter, here's what Solomon concludes.

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 After all of that, here's his conclusion. It was all meaningless.

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 It was all empty. I was chasing the wind. So this is a man who had all the sex he wanted

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 with the most beautiful women in the land. And at the end of it all, he's essentially confessing,

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 I'm empty inside. I'm hollow. All of that meant nothing. I was chasing the wind.

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 And I think what we can conclude is that Solomon all the while had not been searching for sex or

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 sexual gratification. He had actually been searching for intimacy. And he never found it,

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 at least not there. So this is the first point I want to make. I know we're only one verse in,

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 but let's make one point here. It's a very important point as we start this book together.

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 Here's the first point about intimacy. Intimacy is vital for human flourishing. It's vital. Every single

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 human being here needs intimacy. Sexual gratification is not. Now, sexual reproduction is necessary for

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 the furthering of the species. But sexual gratification as we define it in our society

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 is not. Intimacy is. Sexual gratification is not. See, the reason that we need to make that point is

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 because I think like Solomon, our culture has it exactly backwards. We prioritize sexual gratification

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 over intimacy. Like no other culture in history, we somehow have the idea that if I'm not having

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 great sex regularly or when I want it, if that's not regularly a part of my life, then something is

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 wrong with me. If I'm not doing that, then that's a problem. And if I go long enough out doing it,

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 then I'm going to develop some kind of pathology. On the other hand, we treat intimacy as though it's

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 optional. Intimacy is something that you need to be careful of. You don't want to get entangled

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 until you're ready. And we treat it in many ways like a switch, right? We've come to treat intimacy

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 like a switch that we can flip on and off when it fits into our life instead of understanding that

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 intimacy is a capacity that needs to be developed over time. So we say, for instance, we say to women,

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 you know, it's empowering for you to avoid emotional entanglement. One author says that we treat emotional

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 entanglement and intimacy today like an unwanted pregnancy 30 years ago. You know, if you allow that to

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 happen, it's going to derail your life. So we tell women, avoid that. What you need to do is, you know, it's okay

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 to hook up. It's okay to pseudo date, which is kind of on again, off again. Maybe he'll text, maybe he won't,

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 hooking up when both of us have had enough to drink kind of dating. And it's okay to do that,

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 but as long as you don't care too much, because you need to focus on your education and your career

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 and getting ahead. And then when you're, you've gotten to that place where you're established,

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 then you can be open to intimacy. In other words, when you, when you arrive and you have that career,

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 then flip the switch and look around and you're ready for intimacy. Turn it on, but keep it off before

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 then. We say likewise about pornography. We say, you know, pornography, part of a sexually liberated

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 culture. Pornography is a good thing. Free speech. We need to have it out there. It's good for

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 everybody to have the kind of society where that's out there and, and you can use it. And it's just a

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 normal sexual outlet that you can use if you need to. But you know, we tell men just, you know, turn

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 the switch off when you're using porn. And then when you're with your partner or spouse or whatever,

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 flip the switch on as though you can just flip it on and off. And in reality, what this actually does

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 is we are behaviorally conditioning people to separate sex and intimacy over time. We are

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 conditioning people to separate those things. And so this produces men who are increasingly

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 incapable of being sexually aroused by a real flesh and blood woman. And you have married men who are

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 relying on pornography to arouse them so that they can then engage with their wife, right? You have men who,

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 who simply can't feel any real desire for anyone who's actually a real person. And it produces women

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 who struggle with, with emotional despair and self-hatred and loneliness. Yeah, I don't know if you read the

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 piece by Leah Fessler. She was a student at Middlebury College and she did her senior thesis on the hookup

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 culture at Middlebury. And she, so she interviews all of these women. She does a survey and an in-person

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 interviews and tries to get a great representative sample. Here's what she concludes. I don't know if

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 this is going to surprise you or not, but virtually every single woman she talked to said the same

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 thing. They play along with the hookup culture. You know, they go along with it. They pretend not to

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 mind it either because they think it's pro-feminist or because they secretly hope that if they hook up

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 and that leads to another hookup, that that might actually turn into a real dating relationship.

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 So they play along for a number of reasons. But deep down across the board, all these women hate it.

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 They hate it. And they find that, you know, she says, the problem is I would tell myself,

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 I don't care, don't care, don't care. And then we would start having sex and guess what would

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 happen? I would start caring and I would start checking my phone. I would wonder why hasn't he texted

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 me? Why haven't I heard from him? And it's been two weeks, it's been three weeks. And she says,

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 she would just start obsessing. And she says that's all she would do with her friends is they

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 would obsess over these guys that they're not supposed to care about. And yet they care.

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 And it's driving them crazy. And here's what she says. She says, in reality, talking about herself

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 and her friends, listen to this. We were desperate to know what it felt like to be wanted.

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 We were desperate for a chance at intimacy.

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 Now, while most women hate the hookup culture,

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 most men love it. That's simple, simple truth.

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 And just to be totally honest,

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 it is very hard, I think, for many women to sleep with

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 a guy and not start to develop feelings.

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 It's very easy for guys to do that.

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 Guys can, we can,

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 a guy can literally sleep with a woman,

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 have a great time, and literally

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 walk away and never care about them again.

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 I mean,

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 that's just the way it is.

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 That's not to say

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 it doesn't do damage.

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 It's just not felt

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 quite so

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 quickly.

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 I think a lot of men are very much like Solomon.

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 It can take us maybe years

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 before we start to realize

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 there's something really wrong in here.

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 I'm really empty.

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 It can take us years to begin to realize,

00:21:03.320 --> 00:21:04.920
 and maybe only after we get into a marriage

00:21:04.920 --> 00:21:05.820
 where we begin to realize,

00:21:06.259 --> 00:21:08.000
 I actually don't know how to have intimacy.

00:21:09.519 --> 00:21:11.279
 I have never developed that capacity.

00:21:12.640 --> 00:21:15.140
 I've not cared and not cared and not cared,

00:21:15.180 --> 00:21:16.460
 and now I'm really good at it.

00:21:17.039 --> 00:21:18.840
 I don't even know what intimacy means.

00:21:18.839 --> 00:21:19.459
 Right?

00:21:21.839 --> 00:21:22.039
 So,

00:21:22.240 --> 00:21:25.000
 as we reflect on this,

00:21:26.000 --> 00:21:27.279
 I want to contrast that

00:21:27.279 --> 00:21:29.159
 with an example of a man that I know

00:21:29.159 --> 00:21:30.240
 who got married.

00:21:30.740 --> 00:21:32.679
 He and his wife were very attracted to each other,

00:21:32.740 --> 00:21:33.819
 and soon after they got married,

00:21:34.199 --> 00:21:35.720
 she developed a medical condition,

00:21:35.819 --> 00:21:37.939
 which meant she was unable to have sex.

00:21:39.199 --> 00:21:40.240
 And so this couple,

00:21:40.319 --> 00:21:42.419
 they were together for over 30 years

00:21:42.419 --> 00:21:44.059
 until she passed away.

00:21:44.919 --> 00:21:47.259
 30 years of a sexless marriage.

00:21:47.539 --> 00:21:49.599
 And you know what he says in the aftermath of that?

00:21:49.879 --> 00:21:50.179
 He says,

00:21:50.259 --> 00:21:51.440
 we had an amazing marriage.

00:21:51.819 --> 00:21:52.159
 And he says,

00:21:52.220 --> 00:21:52.740
 at first,

00:21:52.919 --> 00:21:54.019
 at first I panicked,

00:21:54.079 --> 00:21:55.240
 and I didn't know what I was going to do,

00:21:55.279 --> 00:21:56.419
 and I didn't know if I was going to make it,

00:21:56.539 --> 00:21:58.039
 and all my friends told me to trust the Lord

00:21:58.039 --> 00:21:58.659
 and stay in it.

00:21:58.839 --> 00:21:59.200
 And he says,

00:21:59.259 --> 00:22:00.960
 very soon I began to realize something

00:22:00.960 --> 00:22:02.539
 that totally took me off guard.

00:22:02.899 --> 00:22:03.099
 He says,

00:22:03.139 --> 00:22:03.899
 I began to realize

00:22:03.899 --> 00:22:06.879
 that my deep emotional need for intimacy

00:22:06.879 --> 00:22:09.679
 far outweighed my need for sexual desire,

00:22:10.460 --> 00:22:11.059
 sexual gratification.

00:22:11.059 --> 00:22:13.000
 And he says,

00:22:13.039 --> 00:22:13.720
 it wasn't easy,

00:22:13.859 --> 00:22:15.619
 and ideally in a marriage you have both.

00:22:15.740 --> 00:22:16.740
 Ideally you have both.

00:22:17.139 --> 00:22:17.359
 He said,

00:22:17.399 --> 00:22:18.179
 but what I learned is

00:22:18.179 --> 00:22:19.779
 that what I really needed is intimacy.

00:22:19.940 --> 00:22:20.619
 In their marriage,

00:22:20.679 --> 00:22:21.700
 they had an amazingly,

00:22:21.919 --> 00:22:23.259
 profoundly intimate marriage.

00:22:23.519 --> 00:22:24.119
 In many ways,

00:22:24.139 --> 00:22:24.480
 he says,

00:22:24.579 --> 00:22:25.980
 the fact that they couldn't have sex

00:22:25.980 --> 00:22:27.220
 forced them to develop intimacy

00:22:27.220 --> 00:22:28.579
 in all kinds of other ways.

00:22:29.359 --> 00:22:30.740
 He said it was profoundly intimate

00:22:30.740 --> 00:22:32.240
 and profoundly satisfying

00:22:32.240 --> 00:22:33.119
 and fulfilling marriage.

00:22:33.359 --> 00:22:34.000
 But no sex.

00:22:35.919 --> 00:22:37.839
 Now I will say this before we move on.

00:22:39.099 --> 00:22:40.279
 Ideally you have both.

00:22:41.059 --> 00:22:41.339
 Right?

00:22:41.839 --> 00:22:43.179
 And here's the way it works.

00:22:44.319 --> 00:22:45.759
 The more intimacy you have,

00:22:45.940 --> 00:22:46.879
 the better the sex.

00:22:47.899 --> 00:22:49.359
 The more intimacy you have,

00:22:49.480 --> 00:22:50.220
 the better the sex.

00:22:50.559 --> 00:22:52.659
 Good sex has nothing to do with technique.

00:22:52.779 --> 00:22:53.919
 It has everything to do

00:22:53.919 --> 00:22:54.819
 with intimacy

00:22:54.819 --> 00:22:56.919
 and emotional connection.

00:22:57.119 --> 00:22:58.720
 So for those people who are married,

00:22:58.960 --> 00:23:01.099
 that is where the focus needs to be

00:23:01.099 --> 00:23:02.119
 if you want a great sex life.

00:23:02.859 --> 00:23:03.480
 Develop intimacy.

00:23:04.220 --> 00:23:05.119
 And that's what we're going to be talking about

00:23:05.119 --> 00:23:05.799
 for the next few weeks

00:23:05.799 --> 00:23:06.740
 so you're in the right place.

00:23:07.480 --> 00:23:08.639
 We're going to be moving on now.

00:23:08.640 --> 00:23:09.900
 We have to look

00:23:09.900 --> 00:23:11.580
 and actually get into the song itself.

00:23:13.580 --> 00:23:14.800
 I want to say this.

00:23:14.860 --> 00:23:15.960
 This is a song.

00:23:17.040 --> 00:23:18.480
 So it's meant to be sung.

00:23:18.600 --> 00:23:20.540
 So imagine we're at a wedding

00:23:20.540 --> 00:23:21.340
 and this is a song

00:23:21.340 --> 00:23:22.600
 that could have easily been sung

00:23:22.600 --> 00:23:23.640
 across the week

00:23:23.640 --> 00:23:24.980
 of a Jewish wedding celebration.

00:23:25.240 --> 00:23:26.600
 And there are multiple parts.

00:23:26.980 --> 00:23:27.100
 You know,

00:23:27.160 --> 00:23:28.140
 I toyed with the idea

00:23:28.140 --> 00:23:29.160
 of having people come up

00:23:29.160 --> 00:23:30.220
 and sing the different parts

00:23:30.220 --> 00:23:31.360
 to kind of illustrate that.

00:23:31.660 --> 00:23:32.200
 And then I realized

00:23:32.200 --> 00:23:33.780
 that would be horrendously awkward.

00:23:33.779 --> 00:23:34.839
 So we're not going to do that.

00:23:35.799 --> 00:23:36.220
 I mean,

00:23:36.240 --> 00:23:37.180
 have you read this?

00:23:37.599 --> 00:23:38.220
 So, you know,

00:23:38.259 --> 00:23:38.879
 and I don't know

00:23:38.879 --> 00:23:40.240
 who would even volunteer for that.

00:23:40.639 --> 00:23:40.779
 So,

00:23:40.899 --> 00:23:42.259
 but imagine,

00:23:42.579 --> 00:23:43.160
 if you will,

00:23:43.379 --> 00:23:44.960
 you have instruments playing

00:23:44.960 --> 00:23:46.019
 and, you know,

00:23:46.059 --> 00:23:46.899
 people playing instruments

00:23:46.899 --> 00:23:48.500
 and then we have three singing parts.

00:23:48.700 --> 00:23:48.940
 There's,

00:23:49.180 --> 00:23:50.960
 there's the Shulamite woman

00:23:50.960 --> 00:23:53.759
 and she sings over half the verses,

00:23:53.879 --> 00:23:54.779
 about 55 verses.

00:23:55.180 --> 00:23:56.680
 Then there's the Solomon,

00:23:56.920 --> 00:23:57.299
 the man.

00:23:58.000 --> 00:23:59.420
 And then we have the chorus

00:23:59.420 --> 00:24:01.200
 and the chorus chimes in

00:24:01.200 --> 00:24:02.480
 throughout the song.

00:24:02.480 --> 00:24:03.400
 And that's very important.

00:24:03.500 --> 00:24:04.240
 We'll come back to that.

00:24:05.120 --> 00:24:05.299
 So,

00:24:05.480 --> 00:24:07.000
 let's get into the song itself.

00:24:07.099 --> 00:24:08.019
 Beginning with verse 2.

00:24:09.140 --> 00:24:10.180
 This is the Shulamite woman

00:24:10.180 --> 00:24:11.420
 as she begins to sing.

00:24:12.120 --> 00:24:13.059
 Let him kiss me

00:24:13.059 --> 00:24:14.420
 with the kisses of his mouth.

00:24:15.180 --> 00:24:16.960
 For your love is better than wine.

00:24:17.120 --> 00:24:19.039
 Your anointing oils are fragrant.

00:24:19.620 --> 00:24:21.380
 Your name is oil poured out.

00:24:22.120 --> 00:24:22.440
 Therefore,

00:24:22.660 --> 00:24:23.660
 virgins love you.

00:24:24.400 --> 00:24:25.740
 Draw me after you.

00:24:25.839 --> 00:24:26.559
 Let us run.

00:24:27.160 --> 00:24:28.360
 The king has brought me

00:24:28.360 --> 00:24:29.299
 into his chambers.

00:24:29.400 --> 00:24:30.360
 So that can be translated,

00:24:30.779 --> 00:24:31.880
 may the king bring me

00:24:31.880 --> 00:24:32.760
 into his chamber.

00:24:33.320 --> 00:24:33.560
 Now,

00:24:33.680 --> 00:24:34.480
 let's go forward.

00:24:35.680 --> 00:24:37.360
 Here the chorus chimes in

00:24:37.360 --> 00:24:37.920
 and they say,

00:24:38.300 --> 00:24:39.000
 we will exult

00:24:39.000 --> 00:24:40.180
 and rejoice in you.

00:24:40.340 --> 00:24:41.820
 We will extol your love

00:24:41.820 --> 00:24:42.600
 more than wine.

00:24:43.060 --> 00:24:44.240
 Rightly do they love you.

00:24:44.300 --> 00:24:44.440
 Now,

00:24:44.660 --> 00:24:46.020
 this is the community

00:24:46.020 --> 00:24:46.740
 weighing in

00:24:46.740 --> 00:24:47.040
 and saying,

00:24:47.140 --> 00:24:48.240
 we approve of this.

00:24:48.520 --> 00:24:50.060
 We love you guys together.

00:24:50.380 --> 00:24:51.160
 More of this.

00:24:51.200 --> 00:24:52.400
 You guys go spend time together.

00:24:52.520 --> 00:24:53.320
 We're so excited

00:24:53.320 --> 00:24:54.260
 that you love each other,

00:24:54.300 --> 00:24:54.520
 right?

00:24:54.880 --> 00:24:55.460
 And then,

00:24:55.600 --> 00:24:56.440
 as we move forward,

00:24:57.020 --> 00:24:58.220
 now it comes back

00:24:58.220 --> 00:24:58.640
 to the woman

00:24:58.640 --> 00:24:59.900
 and the woman gets personal.

00:24:59.900 --> 00:25:01.560
 And we begin to learn

00:25:01.560 --> 00:25:02.720
 a little more about her heart.

00:25:03.660 --> 00:25:04.040
 She says,

00:25:04.160 --> 00:25:04.920
 I'm very dark,

00:25:05.060 --> 00:25:06.259
 but lovely.

00:25:06.680 --> 00:25:07.000
 Now,

00:25:07.040 --> 00:25:08.800
 that's not a racial darkness.

00:25:09.060 --> 00:25:09.360
 This is,

00:25:09.660 --> 00:25:09.940
 she's,

00:25:10.600 --> 00:25:11.759
 it's a suntan.

00:25:11.900 --> 00:25:12.200
 We'll,

00:25:12.340 --> 00:25:13.040
 I'll show you why

00:25:13.040 --> 00:25:15.600
 a little bit further on.

00:25:15.980 --> 00:25:16.300
 She says,

00:25:16.420 --> 00:25:17.259
 I'm very dark,

00:25:17.340 --> 00:25:17.800
 but lovely,

00:25:17.900 --> 00:25:18.880
 O daughters of Jerusalem,

00:25:19.320 --> 00:25:20.400
 like the tents of Kedar,

00:25:20.800 --> 00:25:22.080
 like the curtains of Solomon.

00:25:22.540 --> 00:25:23.680
 Do not gaze at me

00:25:23.680 --> 00:25:24.560
 because I'm dark,

00:25:24.620 --> 00:25:25.440
 because the sun

00:25:25.440 --> 00:25:26.460
 has looked upon me.

00:25:27.019 --> 00:25:28.039
 My mother's sons

00:25:28.039 --> 00:25:29.180
 were angry with me.

00:25:29.519 --> 00:25:30.480
 They made me keeper

00:25:30.480 --> 00:25:31.279
 of the vineyards,

00:25:31.440 --> 00:25:32.840
 but my own vineyard

00:25:32.840 --> 00:25:33.880
 I have not kept.

00:25:34.960 --> 00:25:36.079
 So what's happening here?

00:25:36.960 --> 00:25:37.299
 Well,

00:25:37.519 --> 00:25:38.000
 we're,

00:25:38.000 --> 00:25:38.059
 we're,

00:25:38.059 --> 00:25:39.220
 we're beginning to see

00:25:39.220 --> 00:25:39.920
 a little more

00:25:39.920 --> 00:25:41.700
 about this woman.

00:25:41.840 --> 00:25:43.019
 This Shulamite woman

00:25:43.019 --> 00:25:44.480
 is obviously attracted

00:25:44.480 --> 00:25:45.539
 to the man.

00:25:45.779 --> 00:25:46.180
 She says,

00:25:46.259 --> 00:25:47.519
 I want him to kiss me

00:25:47.519 --> 00:25:48.259
 right now.

00:25:48.400 --> 00:25:49.299
 I want him to take me

00:25:49.299 --> 00:25:50.059
 into his chamber,

00:25:50.200 --> 00:25:51.680
 which means sexual intimacy,

00:25:51.680 --> 00:25:52.539
 right now.

00:25:53.019 --> 00:25:53.940
 And she's obviously

00:25:53.940 --> 00:25:55.120
 attracted to him physically.

00:25:55.240 --> 00:25:55.559
 She says,

00:25:55.600 --> 00:25:55.720
 you know,

00:25:55.720 --> 00:25:56.740
 I like the way he looks.

00:25:56.819 --> 00:25:57.480
 I want him to kiss me.

00:25:57.700 --> 00:25:58.839
 I like the way he smells.

00:25:59.620 --> 00:26:00.380
 Men used to wear

00:26:00.380 --> 00:26:01.000
 scented oil,

00:26:01.059 --> 00:26:01.759
 a lot like ancient

00:26:01.759 --> 00:26:02.500
 Near Eastern Cologne.

00:26:03.559 --> 00:26:04.180
 But then,

00:26:04.319 --> 00:26:05.000
 what does she say?

00:26:05.079 --> 00:26:05.380
 She says,

00:26:05.460 --> 00:26:05.579
 you know,

00:26:05.600 --> 00:26:06.400
 I'm not only physically

00:26:06.400 --> 00:26:07.160
 attracted to him.

00:26:07.799 --> 00:26:08.319
 He says,

00:26:08.640 --> 00:26:09.120
 she says,

00:26:09.180 --> 00:26:09.799
 your name

00:26:09.799 --> 00:26:11.720
 is like its own form

00:26:11.720 --> 00:26:12.380
 of perfume.

00:26:12.620 --> 00:26:13.779
 And I'm drawn to that.

00:26:13.880 --> 00:26:13.980
 Now,

00:26:14.240 --> 00:26:15.319
 by name,

00:26:15.420 --> 00:26:17.000
 she means his whole person.

00:26:17.079 --> 00:26:17.420
 In other words,

00:26:17.600 --> 00:26:18.160
 she's attracted

00:26:18.160 --> 00:26:19.480
 not just to his physical appearance,

00:26:19.480 --> 00:26:20.360
 but to his character.

00:26:21.180 --> 00:26:21.960
 You have a good name.

00:26:22.059 --> 00:26:23.059
 You have a good reputation.

00:26:23.440 --> 00:26:24.000
 You're well known.

00:26:24.100 --> 00:26:24.880
 You're well respected.

00:26:24.880 --> 00:26:26.240
 And I'm drawn to that.

00:26:26.360 --> 00:26:27.280
 I'm drawn to the fact

00:26:27.280 --> 00:26:28.340
 that you're a man of integrity.

00:26:29.820 --> 00:26:31.340
 So that's what she's really drawn to.

00:26:31.620 --> 00:26:31.720
 Now,

00:26:32.140 --> 00:26:33.580
 if we go to this passage,

00:26:33.660 --> 00:26:34.420
 beginning in verse 5,

00:26:34.560 --> 00:26:35.920
 we learn that not only is he

00:26:35.920 --> 00:26:36.860
 a man of good character,

00:26:37.100 --> 00:26:38.360
 but she is as well.

00:26:39.160 --> 00:26:40.040
 She's here talking

00:26:40.040 --> 00:26:41.080
 about her insecurity.

00:26:42.080 --> 00:26:42.320
 She goes,

00:26:42.540 --> 00:26:42.860
 you know,

00:26:42.960 --> 00:26:43.800
 don't look at me.

00:26:43.840 --> 00:26:44.820
 And notice she's not saying it

00:26:44.820 --> 00:26:45.220
 to the man,

00:26:45.300 --> 00:26:46.140
 she's saying it to the women.

00:26:46.460 --> 00:26:47.440
 Sometimes women can be

00:26:47.440 --> 00:26:48.300
 really critical

00:26:48.300 --> 00:26:49.240
 of one another's appearance,

00:26:49.340 --> 00:26:49.520
 right?

00:26:49.519 --> 00:26:50.539
 And so I know some women

00:26:50.539 --> 00:26:51.480
 who worry way more

00:26:51.480 --> 00:26:52.639
 about what other women think

00:26:52.639 --> 00:26:53.599
 than they do about

00:26:53.599 --> 00:26:54.079
 what the guys

00:26:54.079 --> 00:26:55.019
 are trying to impress think,

00:26:55.119 --> 00:26:55.379
 you know?

00:26:55.559 --> 00:26:56.200
 So she says,

00:26:56.299 --> 00:26:56.420
 oh,

00:26:56.519 --> 00:26:56.680
 you know,

00:26:56.799 --> 00:26:57.660
 daughters of Jerusalem,

00:26:57.839 --> 00:26:59.139
 don't judge me

00:26:59.139 --> 00:27:01.220
 because I have dark skin.

00:27:01.839 --> 00:27:02.119
 And she goes,

00:27:02.200 --> 00:27:03.019
 I'll tell you why

00:27:03.019 --> 00:27:04.279
 I have such dark skin.

00:27:04.700 --> 00:27:05.859
 Her dad's not in the picture.

00:27:06.279 --> 00:27:07.240
 He's never mentioned once,

00:27:07.259 --> 00:27:07.839
 which is odd,

00:27:07.859 --> 00:27:08.879
 so he's probably dead.

00:27:09.480 --> 00:27:10.740
 And so her brothers

00:27:10.740 --> 00:27:11.539
 have more than likely

00:27:11.539 --> 00:27:12.359
 had to take over

00:27:12.359 --> 00:27:13.180
 the family business.

00:27:14.000 --> 00:27:15.640
 And so they're very resentful,

00:27:15.720 --> 00:27:16.000
 obviously,

00:27:16.100 --> 00:27:16.500
 about that.

00:27:16.539 --> 00:27:17.180
 And so they've put

00:27:17.180 --> 00:27:18.080
 all that responsibility

00:27:18.080 --> 00:27:18.740
 on her.

00:27:19.460 --> 00:27:21.140
 So she's been so busy

00:27:21.140 --> 00:27:22.940
 tending to the family business

00:27:22.940 --> 00:27:23.940
 that she has not been able

00:27:23.940 --> 00:27:25.019
 to keep up her appearance.

00:27:25.660 --> 00:27:26.400
 And so notice

00:27:26.400 --> 00:27:27.019
 what she's saying.

00:27:27.080 --> 00:27:27.259
 She goes,

00:27:27.299 --> 00:27:28.539
 I'm very insecure about this.

00:27:28.600 --> 00:27:29.620
 Don't judge me about this.

00:27:29.799 --> 00:27:30.720
 Don't judge my appearance.

00:27:30.860 --> 00:27:32.140
 Here's why I look the way I do.

00:27:33.100 --> 00:27:34.120
 But under that,

00:27:34.180 --> 00:27:35.200
 we see that she's also

00:27:35.200 --> 00:27:36.560
 a woman of tremendous character.

00:27:37.000 --> 00:27:37.700
 She's a woman

00:27:37.700 --> 00:27:39.039
 who's willing to sacrifice

00:27:39.039 --> 00:27:39.900
 her appearance

00:27:39.900 --> 00:27:41.060
 in order to do

00:27:41.060 --> 00:27:41.900
 what needs to be done

00:27:41.900 --> 00:27:43.160
 to provide for her family,

00:27:44.039 --> 00:27:45.320
 to be responsible.

00:27:45.900 --> 00:27:46.420
 And so we see

00:27:46.420 --> 00:27:47.180
 that this is a couple

00:27:47.180 --> 00:27:47.960
 where both the man

00:27:47.960 --> 00:27:48.279
 and the woman

00:27:48.279 --> 00:27:49.700
 are people of deep character.

00:27:50.400 --> 00:27:51.299
 And that's really,

00:27:51.519 --> 00:27:52.000
 really important

00:27:52.000 --> 00:27:53.660
 because it leads us

00:27:53.660 --> 00:27:54.400
 to the second point

00:27:54.400 --> 00:27:54.940
 we want to make

00:27:54.940 --> 00:27:55.560
 about intimacy,

00:27:56.000 --> 00:27:57.240
 that intimacy involves

00:27:57.240 --> 00:27:58.380
 the whole person.

00:27:59.380 --> 00:28:00.279
 It involves

00:28:00.279 --> 00:28:01.380
 the whole person.

00:28:02.360 --> 00:28:03.019
 And the reason

00:28:03.019 --> 00:28:03.940
 I need to make this point

00:28:03.940 --> 00:28:04.539
 is because there are

00:28:04.539 --> 00:28:05.600
 a lot of people these days

00:28:05.600 --> 00:28:06.880
 who say that they're

00:28:06.880 --> 00:28:08.140
 terrified of getting married

00:28:08.140 --> 00:28:09.240
 and terrified of

00:28:09.240 --> 00:28:10.340
 losing their desire.

00:28:10.960 --> 00:28:11.840
 What if I get married

00:28:11.840 --> 00:28:12.620
 and then we stop

00:28:12.620 --> 00:28:13.160
 being attracted?

00:28:13.180 --> 00:28:13.720
 to each other.

00:28:15.600 --> 00:28:16.480
 But the thing

00:28:16.480 --> 00:28:17.480
 we need to realize

00:28:17.480 --> 00:28:19.220
 is that the thing

00:28:19.220 --> 00:28:20.299
 that gives long-term

00:28:20.299 --> 00:28:21.580
 satisfaction in marriage

00:28:21.580 --> 00:28:23.160
 is not physical attraction.

00:28:24.259 --> 00:28:24.880
 It's not.

00:28:25.360 --> 00:28:26.779
 And to be totally honest,

00:28:26.960 --> 00:28:28.000
 no matter how attractive

00:28:28.000 --> 00:28:28.580
 you are,

00:28:29.140 --> 00:28:29.920
 no matter how attractive

00:28:29.920 --> 00:28:30.539
 the person is

00:28:30.539 --> 00:28:31.160
 that you marry,

00:28:32.620 --> 00:28:33.620
 give it enough time

00:28:33.620 --> 00:28:34.860
 and two things

00:28:34.860 --> 00:28:35.380
 are going to happen.

00:28:35.539 --> 00:28:35.820
 One,

00:28:36.740 --> 00:28:37.440
 it's just going to

00:28:37.440 --> 00:28:37.960
 ebb and flow.

00:28:38.940 --> 00:28:39.820
 Ask anybody

00:28:39.820 --> 00:28:40.680
 with young kids,

00:28:40.759 --> 00:28:41.440
 elementary school

00:28:41.440 --> 00:28:42.480
 or younger age kids

00:28:42.480 --> 00:28:43.080
 and they're probably

00:28:43.080 --> 00:28:43.759
 in an ebb.

00:28:45.140 --> 00:28:46.059
 It's just a reality.

00:28:46.980 --> 00:28:47.620
 It's a reality.

00:28:48.660 --> 00:28:49.660
 Or there's not quite

00:28:49.660 --> 00:28:50.320
 as much flow

00:28:50.320 --> 00:28:51.059
 as they would like.

00:28:52.640 --> 00:28:53.759
 So that life

00:28:53.759 --> 00:28:54.519
 just does that to you.

00:28:54.600 --> 00:28:54.940
 And the other thing

00:28:54.940 --> 00:28:55.400
 that's going to happen

00:28:55.400 --> 00:28:56.380
 is over time

00:28:56.380 --> 00:28:57.259
 we all just become

00:28:57.259 --> 00:28:58.220
 less physically attractive.

00:28:58.220 --> 00:28:58.259
 attractive.

00:28:58.960 --> 00:28:59.799
 In our society

00:28:59.799 --> 00:29:00.740
 if we thought

00:29:00.740 --> 00:29:03.440
 age was attractive

00:29:03.440 --> 00:29:04.720
 which we probably should

00:29:04.720 --> 00:29:06.019
 it would be different.

00:29:06.079 --> 00:29:06.740
 But in our society

00:29:06.740 --> 00:29:07.880
 we will all be considered

00:29:07.880 --> 00:29:08.860
 less attractive

00:29:08.860 --> 00:29:10.039
 10, 15 years from now

00:29:10.039 --> 00:29:11.039
 as we are right now.

00:29:11.120 --> 00:29:11.799
 It's just going to happen.

00:29:13.079 --> 00:29:13.779
 But the thing

00:29:13.779 --> 00:29:14.559
 that matters

00:29:14.559 --> 00:29:15.819
 and the thing

00:29:15.819 --> 00:29:16.720
 that remains

00:29:16.720 --> 00:29:17.900
 is character.

00:29:18.360 --> 00:29:19.019
 In other words

00:29:19.019 --> 00:29:19.799
 who are you

00:29:19.799 --> 00:29:20.440
 when no one

00:29:20.440 --> 00:29:21.160
 is looking?

00:29:21.259 --> 00:29:21.740
 That's what I mean

00:29:21.740 --> 00:29:22.339
 by character.

00:29:23.100 --> 00:29:23.980
 So for those of you

00:29:23.980 --> 00:29:24.600
 who are looking

00:29:24.600 --> 00:29:25.240
 for someone

00:29:25.240 --> 00:29:26.000
 to be with

00:29:26.000 --> 00:29:26.779
 trying to figure out

00:29:26.779 --> 00:29:27.940
 who you want to date

00:29:27.940 --> 00:29:29.099
 and actually marry

00:29:29.099 --> 00:29:30.680
 physical attraction matters.

00:29:30.799 --> 00:29:31.259
 Don't let anyone

00:29:31.259 --> 00:29:31.720
 tell you that

00:29:31.720 --> 00:29:32.279
 physical attraction

00:29:32.279 --> 00:29:32.819
 doesn't matter.

00:29:32.920 --> 00:29:33.399
 It does.

00:29:33.559 --> 00:29:34.299
 But it doesn't matter

00:29:34.299 --> 00:29:35.399
 nearly as much

00:29:35.399 --> 00:29:36.139
 as character.

00:29:37.160 --> 00:29:37.720
 It doesn't matter

00:29:37.720 --> 00:29:38.519
 nearly as much

00:29:38.519 --> 00:29:39.259
 as what a person

00:29:39.259 --> 00:29:40.960
 is like on the inside.

00:29:41.119 --> 00:29:41.920
 So I'll ask you

00:29:41.920 --> 00:29:42.420
 these questions.

00:29:42.579 --> 00:29:43.480
 Are you attracted?

00:29:43.599 --> 00:29:44.259
 Think about the person

00:29:44.259 --> 00:29:44.680
 you're with

00:29:44.680 --> 00:29:45.339
 or want to be with.

00:29:45.539 --> 00:29:46.180
 Are you attracted

00:29:46.180 --> 00:29:47.019
 to their character?

00:29:47.619 --> 00:29:48.680
 Is their name

00:29:48.680 --> 00:29:49.599
 like a perfume

00:29:49.599 --> 00:29:50.700
 that draws you?

00:29:50.779 --> 00:29:51.920
 If you lost your sight

00:29:51.920 --> 00:29:52.579
 and could no longer

00:29:52.579 --> 00:29:53.139
 see them

00:29:53.139 --> 00:29:53.920
 would you still

00:29:53.920 --> 00:29:55.139
 want to be with them?

00:29:56.200 --> 00:29:56.240
 Right?

00:29:56.240 --> 00:29:57.579
 Do they share

00:29:57.579 --> 00:29:58.380
 your values?

00:29:58.519 --> 00:29:59.039
 Do they share

00:29:59.039 --> 00:30:00.099
 your love for the Lord?

00:30:00.220 --> 00:30:01.420
 Do they prioritize

00:30:01.420 --> 00:30:03.519
 faith the way you do?

00:30:04.380 --> 00:30:05.859
 Is there a commonality

00:30:05.859 --> 00:30:07.039
 of personhood there

00:30:07.039 --> 00:30:07.680
 or not?

00:30:07.980 --> 00:30:08.640
 If not

00:30:08.640 --> 00:30:09.500
 if the answer

00:30:09.500 --> 00:30:09.900
 to those questions

00:30:09.900 --> 00:30:10.380
 are no

00:30:10.380 --> 00:30:11.460
 you should probably

00:30:11.460 --> 00:30:11.980
 get out

00:30:11.980 --> 00:30:13.559
 because you're

00:30:13.559 --> 00:30:14.660
 setting yourself up

00:30:14.660 --> 00:30:16.299
 for disaster.

00:30:18.160 --> 00:30:18.720
 By the way

00:30:18.720 --> 00:30:19.339
 this is why

00:30:19.339 --> 00:30:20.180
 it's really important

00:30:20.180 --> 00:30:20.900
 that the chorus

00:30:20.900 --> 00:30:21.680
 is chiming in

00:30:21.680 --> 00:30:22.019
 and saying

00:30:22.019 --> 00:30:22.579
 we approve

00:30:22.579 --> 00:30:23.440
 of this relationship.

00:30:23.440 --> 00:30:24.900
 because it is

00:30:24.900 --> 00:30:26.400
 very, very, very

00:30:26.400 --> 00:30:27.320
 easy to allow

00:30:27.320 --> 00:30:28.299
 physical intimacy

00:30:28.299 --> 00:30:29.539
 and physical attraction

00:30:29.539 --> 00:30:31.059
 to blind you

00:30:31.059 --> 00:30:32.500
 to major

00:30:32.500 --> 00:30:33.360
 characterological

00:30:33.360 --> 00:30:33.960
 red flags.

00:30:34.960 --> 00:30:35.620
 You can have

00:30:35.620 --> 00:30:36.220
 red flags in the

00:30:36.220 --> 00:30:36.600
 relationship

00:30:36.600 --> 00:30:37.340
 red flags in the

00:30:37.340 --> 00:30:38.019
 person's character

00:30:38.019 --> 00:30:40.299
 but you can be

00:30:40.299 --> 00:30:41.539
 blinded if there's

00:30:41.539 --> 00:30:42.380
 enough physical

00:30:42.380 --> 00:30:42.900
 connection.

00:30:43.960 --> 00:30:44.480
 You can be tempted

00:30:44.480 --> 00:30:45.340
 to minimize those

00:30:45.340 --> 00:30:45.740
 things.

00:30:46.420 --> 00:30:47.180
 Five or ten years

00:30:47.180 --> 00:30:47.580
 from now

00:30:47.580 --> 00:30:48.279
 those things

00:30:48.279 --> 00:30:49.400
 are massive.

00:30:49.400 --> 00:30:50.680
 It's why it's

00:30:50.680 --> 00:30:51.240
 very important

00:30:51.240 --> 00:30:51.640
 to have a

00:30:51.640 --> 00:30:52.500
 community involved

00:30:52.500 --> 00:30:53.759
 every step

00:30:53.759 --> 00:30:54.259
 of the way.

00:30:54.940 --> 00:30:55.620
 For married

00:30:55.620 --> 00:30:56.160
 people I would

00:30:56.160 --> 00:30:57.160
 say don't worry

00:30:57.160 --> 00:30:57.700
 about losing

00:30:57.700 --> 00:30:58.259
 the spark.

00:30:58.440 --> 00:30:58.980
 It happens.

00:30:59.120 --> 00:30:59.680
 It comes and

00:30:59.680 --> 00:31:00.019
 goes.

00:31:00.420 --> 00:31:00.920
 And don't worry

00:31:00.920 --> 00:31:01.360
 about getting

00:31:01.360 --> 00:31:02.180
 old as though

00:31:02.180 --> 00:31:02.880
 somehow this

00:31:02.880 --> 00:31:03.500
 will fade.

00:31:04.380 --> 00:31:04.700
 You know some

00:31:04.700 --> 00:31:05.620
 people say

00:31:05.620 --> 00:31:06.740
 well when I get

00:31:06.740 --> 00:31:07.180
 older I'll just

00:31:07.180 --> 00:31:07.460
 get a little

00:31:07.460 --> 00:31:07.860
 nip-tuck.

00:31:07.960 --> 00:31:08.500
 I'll get a little

00:31:08.500 --> 00:31:09.640
 Botox and I'll

00:31:09.640 --> 00:31:10.080
 be okay.

00:31:10.259 --> 00:31:10.560
 And you know

00:31:10.560 --> 00:31:12.160
 if that's your

00:31:12.160 --> 00:31:12.680
 thing then good

00:31:12.680 --> 00:31:13.040
 on you.

00:31:13.140 --> 00:31:13.500
 But I'll say

00:31:13.500 --> 00:31:13.880
 this.

00:31:15.120 --> 00:31:15.840
 That's not going

00:31:15.840 --> 00:31:16.640
 to make for a

00:31:16.640 --> 00:31:17.180
 healthy intimate

00:31:17.180 --> 00:31:17.880
 marriage or a

00:31:17.880 --> 00:31:18.560
 great sex life.

00:31:19.400 --> 00:31:20.540
 The thing that

00:31:20.540 --> 00:31:20.960
 is going to

00:31:20.960 --> 00:31:21.600
 make a massive

00:31:21.600 --> 00:31:23.380
 difference is if

00:31:23.380 --> 00:31:24.060
 you spend between

00:31:24.060 --> 00:31:25.040
 now and over

00:31:25.040 --> 00:31:25.820
 the next five,

00:31:25.940 --> 00:31:26.720
 ten, fifteen,

00:31:26.900 --> 00:31:27.700
 twenty, twenty-five

00:31:27.700 --> 00:31:30.259
 years focusing on

00:31:30.259 --> 00:31:31.160
 your relationship

00:31:31.160 --> 00:31:31.700
 with the Lord

00:31:31.700 --> 00:31:32.480
 allowing the Holy

00:31:32.480 --> 00:31:33.400
 Spirit to work

00:31:33.400 --> 00:31:34.780
 in you to

00:31:34.780 --> 00:31:35.960
 transform you to

00:31:35.960 --> 00:31:36.759
 shape and to

00:31:36.759 --> 00:31:37.240
 mold your

00:31:37.240 --> 00:31:39.500
 character then

00:31:39.500 --> 00:31:40.800
 the older you

00:31:40.800 --> 00:31:41.540
 get the more

00:31:41.540 --> 00:31:42.300
 beautiful you will

00:31:42.300 --> 00:31:42.700
 become.

00:31:42.880 --> 00:31:43.660
 It's a promise.

00:31:43.880 --> 00:31:44.860
 It's a guarantee.

00:31:46.700 --> 00:31:47.620
 So this is the

00:31:47.620 --> 00:31:48.240
 second point.

00:31:48.320 --> 00:31:48.960
 So first point

00:31:48.960 --> 00:31:50.420
 intimacy is vital

00:31:50.420 --> 00:31:50.860
 for human

00:31:50.860 --> 00:31:51.380
 flourishing.

00:31:51.920 --> 00:31:52.840
 Sexual gratification

00:31:52.840 --> 00:31:53.980
 not necessarily.

00:31:54.920 --> 00:31:55.640
 Second point

00:31:55.640 --> 00:31:56.680
 intimacy involves

00:31:56.680 --> 00:31:57.440
 the whole person.

00:31:57.559 --> 00:31:57.940
 It's not just

00:31:57.940 --> 00:31:58.340
 physical.

00:31:59.019 --> 00:31:59.519
 It's much more

00:31:59.519 --> 00:32:00.059
 about who we

00:32:00.059 --> 00:32:00.440
 are.

00:32:00.579 --> 00:32:01.160
 It's a person

00:32:01.160 --> 00:32:01.880
 on person

00:32:01.880 --> 00:32:02.840
 life on life

00:32:02.840 --> 00:32:03.620
 union.

00:32:04.559 --> 00:32:05.200
 Third point

00:32:05.200 --> 00:32:05.759
 very quickly

00:32:05.759 --> 00:32:06.720
 as we're coming

00:32:06.720 --> 00:32:07.480
 to the end

00:32:07.480 --> 00:32:08.000
 of our time

00:32:08.000 --> 00:32:08.700
 we're going

00:32:08.700 --> 00:32:09.160
 to get a little

00:32:09.160 --> 00:32:09.799
 more into

00:32:09.799 --> 00:32:10.220
 we're going

00:32:10.220 --> 00:32:10.680
 to hear from

00:32:10.680 --> 00:32:11.180
 him for the

00:32:11.180 --> 00:32:11.600
 first time

00:32:11.600 --> 00:32:11.819
 and we're

00:32:11.819 --> 00:32:12.059
 going to see

00:32:12.059 --> 00:32:12.420
 the way they

00:32:12.420 --> 00:32:12.860
 interact.

00:32:12.960 --> 00:32:13.259
 Let's move

00:32:13.259 --> 00:32:13.579
 forward.

00:32:14.860 --> 00:32:15.259
 Verse seven

00:32:15.259 --> 00:32:16.100
 tell me

00:32:16.099 --> 00:32:16.779
 this is the

00:32:16.779 --> 00:32:17.419
 woman speaking

00:32:17.419 --> 00:32:18.419
 to the man

00:32:18.419 --> 00:32:19.179
 tell me

00:32:19.179 --> 00:32:20.079
 you whom my

00:32:20.079 --> 00:32:20.839
 soul loves

00:32:20.839 --> 00:32:21.699
 where you

00:32:21.699 --> 00:32:22.339
 pasture your

00:32:22.339 --> 00:32:22.759
 flock

00:32:22.759 --> 00:32:23.319
 where you

00:32:23.319 --> 00:32:23.679
 make it

00:32:23.679 --> 00:32:24.159
 lie down

00:32:24.159 --> 00:32:24.659
 at noon

00:32:24.659 --> 00:32:25.579
 for why

00:32:25.579 --> 00:32:25.919
 should I

00:32:25.919 --> 00:32:26.240
 be like

00:32:26.240 --> 00:32:26.619
 one who

00:32:26.619 --> 00:32:27.000
 veils

00:32:27.000 --> 00:32:27.439
 herself

00:32:27.439 --> 00:32:28.000
 beside the

00:32:28.000 --> 00:32:28.419
 flocks of

00:32:28.419 --> 00:32:28.519
 your

00:32:28.519 --> 00:32:29.079
 companions.

00:32:30.519 --> 00:32:30.919
 Interesting.

00:32:31.559 --> 00:32:32.279
 So now he

00:32:32.279 --> 00:32:32.879
 responds

00:32:32.879 --> 00:32:34.379
 if you do

00:32:34.379 --> 00:32:34.879
 not know

00:32:34.879 --> 00:32:35.339
 oh most

00:32:35.339 --> 00:32:35.699
 beautiful

00:32:35.699 --> 00:32:35.980
 among

00:32:35.980 --> 00:32:36.279
 women

00:32:36.279 --> 00:32:36.939
 follow in

00:32:36.939 --> 00:32:37.319
 the tracks

00:32:37.319 --> 00:32:37.599
 of the

00:32:37.599 --> 00:32:37.939
 flock

00:32:37.939 --> 00:32:38.619
 and pasture

00:32:38.619 --> 00:32:39.099
 your young

00:32:39.099 --> 00:32:39.379
 goats

00:32:39.379 --> 00:32:40.219
 beside the

00:32:40.219 --> 00:32:40.659
 shepherd's

00:32:40.659 --> 00:32:40.899
 tents.

00:32:41.059 --> 00:32:41.719
 Let's unpack

00:32:41.719 --> 00:32:42.039
 some of

00:32:42.039 --> 00:32:42.179
 this.

00:32:42.240 --> 00:32:42.399
 What's

00:32:42.399 --> 00:32:42.759
 happening?

00:32:43.160 --> 00:32:43.559
 They're

00:32:43.559 --> 00:32:44.220
 flirting with

00:32:44.220 --> 00:32:44.599
 each other.

00:32:45.559 --> 00:32:46.000
 This is

00:32:46.000 --> 00:32:46.500
 playful.

00:32:46.619 --> 00:32:46.740
 It's

00:32:46.740 --> 00:32:46.980
 actually

00:32:46.980 --> 00:32:47.660
 wonderfully

00:32:47.660 --> 00:32:48.200
 playful

00:32:48.200 --> 00:32:48.859
 language.

00:32:49.400 --> 00:32:49.619
 She's

00:32:49.619 --> 00:32:49.960
 essentially

00:32:49.960 --> 00:32:50.980
 saying hey

00:32:50.980 --> 00:32:52.740
 where are you

00:32:52.740 --> 00:32:52.960
 going to be

00:32:52.960 --> 00:32:53.220
 later?

00:32:55.619 --> 00:32:56.359
 Yeah I

00:32:56.359 --> 00:32:56.660
 know you

00:32:56.660 --> 00:32:56.940
 got a

00:32:56.940 --> 00:32:57.140
 break

00:32:57.140 --> 00:32:57.700
 coming up.

00:32:58.279 --> 00:32:58.779
 Where are

00:32:58.779 --> 00:32:58.900
 you going

00:32:58.900 --> 00:32:59.200
 to be?

00:33:01.200 --> 00:33:01.740
 I kind

00:33:01.740 --> 00:33:01.920
 of want

00:33:01.920 --> 00:33:02.140
 to hang

00:33:02.140 --> 00:33:02.440
 out.

00:33:03.379 --> 00:33:04.000
 And she's

00:33:04.000 --> 00:33:04.480
 putting herself

00:33:04.480 --> 00:33:04.700
 out there.

00:33:04.720 --> 00:33:05.400
 Whoever said

00:33:05.400 --> 00:33:05.819
 by the way

00:33:05.819 --> 00:33:06.099
 that the

00:33:06.099 --> 00:33:06.339
 biblical

00:33:06.339 --> 00:33:07.019
 model is

00:33:07.019 --> 00:33:07.319
 for the

00:33:07.319 --> 00:33:07.700
 woman to

00:33:07.700 --> 00:33:08.119
 wait and

00:33:08.119 --> 00:33:08.339
 for the

00:33:08.339 --> 00:33:08.839
 man to

00:33:08.839 --> 00:33:09.259
 kind of

00:33:09.259 --> 00:33:09.680
 act and

00:33:09.680 --> 00:33:09.980
 pursue

00:33:09.980 --> 00:33:10.619
 has never

00:33:10.619 --> 00:33:10.819
 read

00:33:10.819 --> 00:33:11.160
 Song of

00:33:11.160 --> 00:33:11.400
 Songs.

00:33:11.400 --> 00:33:12.620
 She's

00:33:12.620 --> 00:33:13.600
 incredibly

00:33:13.600 --> 00:33:15.060
 bold and

00:33:15.060 --> 00:33:15.480
 confident.

00:33:15.759 --> 00:33:15.900
 She's

00:33:15.900 --> 00:33:16.220
 like hey

00:33:16.220 --> 00:33:16.860
 where are

00:33:16.860 --> 00:33:17.000
 you going

00:33:17.000 --> 00:33:17.240
 to be?

00:33:17.380 --> 00:33:17.780
 I want

00:33:17.780 --> 00:33:17.980
 to be

00:33:17.980 --> 00:33:18.360
 there

00:33:18.360 --> 00:33:19.240
 with you

00:33:19.240 --> 00:33:19.800
 so we

00:33:19.800 --> 00:33:20.300
 can connect

00:33:20.300 --> 00:33:20.680
 and spend

00:33:20.680 --> 00:33:21.280
 time together.

00:33:21.500 --> 00:33:21.580
 Right?

00:33:21.820 --> 00:33:22.019
 And so

00:33:22.019 --> 00:33:22.740
 she's putting

00:33:22.740 --> 00:33:23.280
 herself out

00:33:23.280 --> 00:33:23.360
 there.

00:33:23.420 --> 00:33:23.720
 She's taking

00:33:23.720 --> 00:33:24.200
 a massive

00:33:24.200 --> 00:33:24.660
 risk.

00:33:25.540 --> 00:33:25.720
 And so

00:33:25.720 --> 00:33:26.100
 she's being

00:33:26.100 --> 00:33:26.620
 flirtatious

00:33:26.620 --> 00:33:27.019
 because she

00:33:27.019 --> 00:33:27.740
 says you

00:33:27.740 --> 00:33:28.340
 know you

00:33:28.340 --> 00:33:28.740
 can tell

00:33:28.740 --> 00:33:29.040
 me where

00:33:29.040 --> 00:33:29.200
 you're

00:33:29.200 --> 00:33:29.380
 going to

00:33:29.380 --> 00:33:30.220
 be and

00:33:30.220 --> 00:33:30.480
 if you

00:33:30.480 --> 00:33:31.019
 don't I'll

00:33:31.019 --> 00:33:31.380
 just have

00:33:31.380 --> 00:33:32.460
 to go

00:33:32.460 --> 00:33:33.240
 looking among

00:33:33.240 --> 00:33:33.640
 all of

00:33:33.640 --> 00:33:34.140
 your friends

00:33:34.140 --> 00:33:34.620
 tents.

00:33:35.259 --> 00:33:35.600
 They're

00:33:35.600 --> 00:33:36.120
 probably going

00:33:36.120 --> 00:33:36.560
 to think I'm

00:33:36.560 --> 00:33:37.180
 interested in

00:33:37.180 --> 00:33:37.400
 them.

00:33:37.540 --> 00:33:38.400
 So if you

00:33:38.400 --> 00:33:38.880
 want that to

00:33:38.880 --> 00:33:39.420
 happen then

00:33:39.420 --> 00:33:40.080
 okay.

00:33:41.400 --> 00:33:41.640
 That's what

00:33:41.640 --> 00:33:42.000
 she's saying

00:33:42.000 --> 00:33:42.340
 because a

00:33:42.340 --> 00:33:42.660
 woman with

00:33:42.660 --> 00:33:42.920
 a veiled

00:33:42.920 --> 00:33:43.420
 face is a

00:33:43.420 --> 00:33:43.800
 prostitute.

00:33:43.880 --> 00:33:44.100
 She's like

00:33:44.100 --> 00:33:44.620
 all your

00:33:44.620 --> 00:33:44.980
 friends are

00:33:44.980 --> 00:33:45.140
 going to

00:33:45.140 --> 00:33:45.400
 think I'm

00:33:45.400 --> 00:33:46.000
 a prostitute.

00:33:46.920 --> 00:33:47.300
 Just tell

00:33:47.300 --> 00:33:47.540
 me where

00:33:47.540 --> 00:33:47.780
 you're going

00:33:47.780 --> 00:33:48.080
 to be.

00:33:48.800 --> 00:33:49.200
 It's great.

00:33:49.300 --> 00:33:49.580
 And then he

00:33:49.580 --> 00:33:50.960
 responds playfully

00:33:50.960 --> 00:33:51.380
 as well.

00:33:51.480 --> 00:33:52.420
 He doesn't

00:33:52.420 --> 00:33:52.980
 just say well

00:33:52.980 --> 00:33:53.519
 meet me here

00:33:53.519 --> 00:33:54.000
 at this time.

00:33:54.240 --> 00:33:54.880
 He says hey

00:33:54.880 --> 00:33:55.259
 I've left

00:33:55.259 --> 00:33:55.680
 some clues

00:33:55.680 --> 00:33:56.120
 for you.

00:33:57.040 --> 00:33:57.700
 Follow the

00:33:57.700 --> 00:33:58.180
 clues.

00:33:59.160 --> 00:33:59.460
 And you

00:33:59.460 --> 00:33:59.880
 follow the

00:33:59.880 --> 00:34:00.160
 clues.

00:34:00.380 --> 00:34:00.800
 It's kind

00:34:00.800 --> 00:34:01.320
 of a romantic

00:34:01.320 --> 00:34:01.759
 game.

00:34:02.240 --> 00:34:02.880
 And he

00:34:02.880 --> 00:34:03.660
 says and

00:34:03.660 --> 00:34:03.920
 I'll meet

00:34:03.920 --> 00:34:04.280
 you there.

00:34:04.620 --> 00:34:04.960
 And they're

00:34:04.960 --> 00:34:05.660
 arranging a

00:34:05.660 --> 00:34:06.640
 kind of rendezvous

00:34:06.640 --> 00:34:07.120
 out in the

00:34:07.120 --> 00:34:07.840
 fields so they

00:34:07.839 --> 00:34:08.559
 can be alone

00:34:08.559 --> 00:34:08.880
 together.

00:34:09.000 --> 00:34:09.460
 It's incredibly

00:34:09.460 --> 00:34:09.900
 romantic.

00:34:10.960 --> 00:34:11.460
 So this is

00:34:11.460 --> 00:34:11.860
 what's going

00:34:11.860 --> 00:34:12.059
 on.

00:34:12.119 --> 00:34:12.340
 And this

00:34:12.340 --> 00:34:12.819
 leads us to

00:34:12.819 --> 00:34:13.139
 the third

00:34:13.139 --> 00:34:13.579
 point I want

00:34:13.579 --> 00:34:13.840
 to make

00:34:13.840 --> 00:34:14.420
 really quickly.

00:34:14.920 --> 00:34:15.319
 Third point

00:34:15.319 --> 00:34:15.819
 about intimacy.

00:34:16.380 --> 00:34:17.380
 Intimacy is a

00:34:17.380 --> 00:34:18.340
 rhythm of

00:34:18.340 --> 00:34:19.539
 invitation and

00:34:19.539 --> 00:34:20.179
 response.

00:34:21.019 --> 00:34:21.840
 It's a rhythm

00:34:21.840 --> 00:34:22.799
 of invitation

00:34:22.799 --> 00:34:24.139
 and response.

00:34:24.980 --> 00:34:25.880
 She's inviting

00:34:25.880 --> 00:34:26.619
 the man to

00:34:26.619 --> 00:34:27.159
 connect with

00:34:27.159 --> 00:34:27.960
 her and he

00:34:27.960 --> 00:34:29.179
 is reciprocating

00:34:29.179 --> 00:34:29.920
 in kind.

00:34:30.719 --> 00:34:31.319
 Now what do I

00:34:31.319 --> 00:34:31.860
 mean by this?

00:34:31.900 --> 00:34:32.239
 How does it

00:34:32.239 --> 00:34:32.980
 apply to us?

00:34:33.460 --> 00:34:34.000
 There's a man

00:34:34.000 --> 00:34:34.440
 named John

00:34:34.440 --> 00:34:35.199
 Gottman who's

00:34:35.199 --> 00:34:37.139
 done a lifetime's

00:34:37.139 --> 00:34:37.779
 worth of research

00:34:37.779 --> 00:34:38.960
 on what makes

00:34:38.960 --> 00:34:39.659
 marriage work.

00:34:40.619 --> 00:34:41.079
 And he can

00:34:41.079 --> 00:34:42.039
 famously predict,

00:34:42.119 --> 00:34:42.539
 some of you

00:34:42.539 --> 00:34:43.339
 know, with

00:34:43.339 --> 00:34:44.739
 94% accuracy,

00:34:44.859 --> 00:34:45.319
 he can listen

00:34:45.319 --> 00:34:46.039
 to a snippet

00:34:46.039 --> 00:34:46.659
 of conversation

00:34:46.659 --> 00:34:47.440
 and predict

00:34:47.440 --> 00:34:48.379
 with 94%

00:34:48.379 --> 00:34:49.400
 accuracy whether

00:34:49.400 --> 00:34:49.920
 or not a

00:34:49.920 --> 00:34:50.460
 couple will

00:34:50.460 --> 00:34:51.000
 still be

00:34:51.000 --> 00:34:51.920
 together in

00:34:51.920 --> 00:34:52.359
 five years

00:34:52.359 --> 00:34:53.219
 time or if

00:34:53.219 --> 00:34:53.539
 they will be

00:34:53.539 --> 00:34:53.920
 divorced.

00:34:55.039 --> 00:34:55.460
 Now you

00:34:55.460 --> 00:34:55.960
 ask, well how

00:34:55.960 --> 00:34:56.480
 does he know?

00:34:56.559 --> 00:34:57.099
 How can he be

00:34:57.099 --> 00:34:57.539
 so sure?

00:34:57.679 --> 00:34:58.719
 Well, one of

00:34:58.719 --> 00:34:58.980
 the most

00:34:58.980 --> 00:34:59.579
 groundbreaking

00:34:59.579 --> 00:35:00.659
 discoveries he

00:35:00.659 --> 00:35:01.319
 made about

00:35:01.319 --> 00:35:02.239
 marital intimacy

00:35:02.239 --> 00:35:03.739
 involves what he

00:35:03.739 --> 00:35:04.639
 calls bids.

00:35:05.659 --> 00:35:06.299
 He says over

00:35:06.299 --> 00:35:07.000
 the course of

00:35:07.000 --> 00:35:07.639
 the day,

00:35:08.440 --> 00:35:08.960
 couples will

00:35:08.960 --> 00:35:09.880
 make bids for

00:35:09.880 --> 00:35:10.500
 one another's

00:35:10.500 --> 00:35:11.500
 affection and

00:35:11.500 --> 00:35:12.039
 engagement.

00:35:12.760 --> 00:35:13.659
 They will, in

00:35:13.659 --> 00:35:14.039
 other words,

00:35:14.119 --> 00:35:14.980
 invite connection

00:35:14.980 --> 00:35:15.500
 like this

00:35:15.500 --> 00:35:16.159
 Shulamite woman

00:35:16.159 --> 00:35:17.159
 is doing with

00:35:17.159 --> 00:35:17.500
 Solomon.

00:35:17.820 --> 00:35:18.539
 Now sometimes

00:35:18.539 --> 00:35:19.139
 this can be

00:35:19.139 --> 00:35:19.699
 more overt,

00:35:19.820 --> 00:35:20.260
 like she's

00:35:20.260 --> 00:35:20.659
 saying, where

00:35:20.659 --> 00:35:20.900
 are you going

00:35:20.900 --> 00:35:21.219
 to be?

00:35:21.360 --> 00:35:21.940
 When you're

00:35:21.940 --> 00:35:22.360
 on break,

00:35:22.480 --> 00:35:22.860
 let's hang

00:35:22.860 --> 00:35:23.139
 out.

00:35:23.960 --> 00:35:24.659
 But a lot

00:35:24.659 --> 00:35:25.119
 of times it's

00:35:25.119 --> 00:35:25.639
 more subtle,

00:35:26.139 --> 00:35:26.340
 right?

00:35:26.400 --> 00:35:27.119
 So it could

00:35:27.119 --> 00:35:27.840
 be I'm sitting

00:35:27.840 --> 00:35:28.280
 in my living

00:35:28.280 --> 00:35:29.480
 room, and

00:35:29.480 --> 00:35:30.099
 maybe Laura's

00:35:30.099 --> 00:35:30.679
 reading a book

00:35:30.679 --> 00:35:31.199
 or a magazine

00:35:31.199 --> 00:35:31.619
 and I'm

00:35:31.619 --> 00:35:32.219
 working on my

00:35:32.219 --> 00:35:33.019
 computer and

00:35:33.019 --> 00:35:33.719
 Laura looks up

00:35:33.719 --> 00:35:34.000
 and says,

00:35:34.440 --> 00:35:34.840
 hey Tommy,

00:35:34.980 --> 00:35:35.639
 can I read this

00:35:35.639 --> 00:35:36.119
 quote to you?

00:35:37.000 --> 00:35:37.900
 Now I could

00:35:37.900 --> 00:35:39.579
 say, yeah,

00:35:39.679 --> 00:35:40.079
 and I could

00:35:40.079 --> 00:35:40.579
 close my

00:35:40.579 --> 00:35:41.219
 laptop and I

00:35:41.219 --> 00:35:41.519
 could say,

00:35:41.599 --> 00:35:42.079
 yeah, what is

00:35:42.079 --> 00:35:42.260
 it?

00:35:42.780 --> 00:35:43.460
 Or I could

00:35:43.460 --> 00:35:45.019
 say, no, I'm

00:35:45.019 --> 00:35:45.820
 really busy, maybe

00:35:45.820 --> 00:35:46.619
 later, right?

00:35:46.739 --> 00:35:47.360
 Now that doesn't

00:35:47.360 --> 00:35:47.940
 seem like a big

00:35:47.940 --> 00:35:48.320
 deal, but

00:35:48.320 --> 00:35:49.019
 Gottman says what's

00:35:49.019 --> 00:35:49.880
 actually going on

00:35:49.880 --> 00:35:50.440
 is it's not

00:35:50.440 --> 00:35:51.199
 actually about the

00:35:51.199 --> 00:35:51.480
 quote.

00:35:52.579 --> 00:35:53.219
 Maybe in the

00:35:53.219 --> 00:35:53.780
 moment, in

00:35:53.780 --> 00:35:54.480
 Laura's mind it

00:35:54.480 --> 00:35:55.480
 is, but what's

00:35:55.480 --> 00:35:56.320
 really going on is

00:35:56.320 --> 00:35:57.679
 it's an opportunity

00:35:57.679 --> 00:35:58.739
 for me to

00:35:58.739 --> 00:35:59.980
 emotionally connect,

00:36:00.420 --> 00:36:01.539
 to validate the

00:36:01.539 --> 00:36:02.079
 things that she

00:36:02.079 --> 00:36:02.800
 cares about,

00:36:02.800 --> 00:36:05.240
 to take a

00:36:05.240 --> 00:36:05.820
 moment out of

00:36:05.820 --> 00:36:06.740
 my time to

00:36:06.740 --> 00:36:07.519
 enter into her

00:36:07.519 --> 00:36:07.900
 world.

00:36:08.860 --> 00:36:09.660
 And that's a

00:36:09.660 --> 00:36:10.000
 bid.

00:36:11.019 --> 00:36:11.860
 And Gottman

00:36:11.860 --> 00:36:12.740
 says, in fact,

00:36:12.800 --> 00:36:13.260
 that when you

00:36:13.260 --> 00:36:14.019
 look at people

00:36:14.019 --> 00:36:14.560
 who either

00:36:14.560 --> 00:36:16.000
 habitually accept

00:36:16.000 --> 00:36:16.560
 one another's

00:36:16.560 --> 00:36:16.900
 bids for

00:36:16.900 --> 00:36:17.820
 connection or

00:36:17.820 --> 00:36:18.740
 habitually reject,

00:36:18.860 --> 00:36:19.380
 you see a

00:36:19.380 --> 00:36:20.120
 massive difference.

00:36:20.220 --> 00:36:20.539
 Here's the

00:36:20.539 --> 00:36:20.940
 difference.

00:36:22.000 --> 00:36:22.700
 Couples that

00:36:22.700 --> 00:36:23.260
 end up getting

00:36:23.260 --> 00:36:24.860
 divorced, the

00:36:24.860 --> 00:36:25.760
 average number of

00:36:25.760 --> 00:36:26.900
 times they engage

00:36:26.900 --> 00:36:27.440
 one another's

00:36:27.440 --> 00:36:29.360
 bids, 33% of the

00:36:29.360 --> 00:36:29.620
 time.

00:36:29.619 --> 00:36:31.179
 So three out

00:36:31.179 --> 00:36:32.019
 of ten times

00:36:32.019 --> 00:36:32.799
 they're engaging.

00:36:32.900 --> 00:36:33.239
 The rest of the

00:36:33.239 --> 00:36:33.500
 time they're

00:36:33.500 --> 00:36:34.019
 saying, no, I'm

00:36:34.019 --> 00:36:34.400
 too busy.

00:36:35.799 --> 00:36:37.039
 Now compare that

00:36:37.039 --> 00:36:39.179
 to healthy

00:36:39.179 --> 00:36:40.279
 marriages, couples

00:36:40.279 --> 00:36:40.599
 that stay

00:36:40.599 --> 00:36:40.940
 together.

00:36:41.480 --> 00:36:42.679
 On average, they

00:36:42.679 --> 00:36:43.380
 respond in one

00:36:43.380 --> 00:36:44.239
 another's bids, they

00:36:44.239 --> 00:36:46.500
 engage 87% of the

00:36:46.500 --> 00:36:46.759
 time.

00:36:47.199 --> 00:36:48.199
 That's almost nine

00:36:48.199 --> 00:36:49.420
 out of ten times

00:36:49.420 --> 00:36:50.079
 that they engage.

00:36:50.339 --> 00:36:51.079
 That difference

00:36:51.079 --> 00:36:52.339
 alone, Gottman

00:36:52.339 --> 00:36:53.119
 says, can account

00:36:53.119 --> 00:36:53.579
 for whether or

00:36:53.579 --> 00:36:54.059
 not people stay

00:36:54.059 --> 00:36:54.359
 together.

00:36:54.980 --> 00:36:55.579
 So here's the

00:36:55.579 --> 00:36:56.059
 thing we need to

00:36:56.059 --> 00:36:56.519
 understand.

00:36:57.219 --> 00:36:58.359
 Intimacy is not

00:36:58.359 --> 00:36:59.259
 the fruit of

00:36:59.260 --> 00:37:01.160
 major, you

00:37:01.160 --> 00:37:01.840
 know, expensive

00:37:01.840 --> 00:37:03.040
 nights out and

00:37:03.040 --> 00:37:04.720
 nice presents and

00:37:04.720 --> 00:37:05.560
 things like that.

00:37:06.700 --> 00:37:07.560
 Intimacy is the

00:37:07.560 --> 00:37:08.940
 fruit of daily

00:37:08.940 --> 00:37:10.720
 interactions, many

00:37:10.720 --> 00:37:11.780
 of them quite

00:37:11.780 --> 00:37:12.480
 mundane.

00:37:14.060 --> 00:37:15.000
 Taking a moment

00:37:15.000 --> 00:37:16.660
 out of your time to

00:37:16.660 --> 00:37:17.560
 engage in what your

00:37:17.560 --> 00:37:18.340
 spouse is doing.

00:37:19.080 --> 00:37:20.280
 That over time, maybe

00:37:20.280 --> 00:37:21.320
 one or two times of

00:37:21.320 --> 00:37:22.000
 saying I'm too busy

00:37:22.000 --> 00:37:22.720
 doesn't matter, doesn't

00:37:22.720 --> 00:37:23.680
 seem like much, but

00:37:23.680 --> 00:37:24.760
 over time it has a

00:37:24.760 --> 00:37:26.120
 massive cumulative

00:37:26.120 --> 00:37:26.820
 effect.

00:37:26.820 --> 00:37:27.940
 This is how

00:37:27.940 --> 00:37:29.820
 intimacy is built.

00:37:30.100 --> 00:37:30.700
 Dozens and

00:37:30.700 --> 00:37:31.220
 dozens of

00:37:31.220 --> 00:37:32.600
 invitations and

00:37:32.600 --> 00:37:33.240
 responses.

00:37:33.700 --> 00:37:34.140
 So here's the

00:37:34.140 --> 00:37:34.539
 point I want to

00:37:34.539 --> 00:37:35.080
 make about this.

00:37:35.460 --> 00:37:36.260
 If you're dating

00:37:36.260 --> 00:37:36.940
 somebody right now

00:37:36.940 --> 00:37:37.620
 or thinking about

00:37:37.620 --> 00:37:38.600
 or if you find

00:37:38.600 --> 00:37:39.180
 yourself dating

00:37:39.180 --> 00:37:40.120
 somebody, you need

00:37:40.120 --> 00:37:40.860
 to very seriously

00:37:40.860 --> 00:37:41.840
 ask this question.

00:37:42.360 --> 00:37:43.140
 Does this person

00:37:43.140 --> 00:37:45.700
 actually care about

00:37:45.700 --> 00:37:46.600
 the things that I

00:37:46.600 --> 00:37:48.260
 care about enough

00:37:48.260 --> 00:37:49.519
 to engage with me

00:37:49.519 --> 00:37:49.960
 on them?

00:37:51.760 --> 00:37:52.380
 Do they just want

00:37:52.380 --> 00:37:53.200
 to hook up with

00:37:53.200 --> 00:37:53.340
 me?

00:37:53.400 --> 00:37:53.860
 Do they just want

00:37:53.860 --> 00:37:54.380
 to hang out with

00:37:54.380 --> 00:37:56.280
 me when we're

00:37:56.280 --> 00:37:56.900
 talking about

00:37:56.900 --> 00:37:57.519
 things or doing

00:37:57.519 --> 00:37:58.000
 things that they

00:37:58.000 --> 00:37:58.420
 want to do?

00:37:58.980 --> 00:37:59.660
 Or will they

00:37:59.660 --> 00:38:01.380
 regularly take time

00:38:01.380 --> 00:38:02.360
 and energy out of

00:38:02.360 --> 00:38:02.960
 what they're doing

00:38:02.960 --> 00:38:04.140
 to engage with the

00:38:04.140 --> 00:38:04.920
 things that matter

00:38:04.920 --> 00:38:05.380
 to me?

00:38:05.619 --> 00:38:06.619
 That's a massive

00:38:06.619 --> 00:38:08.059
 determiner of the

00:38:08.059 --> 00:38:08.960
 capacity that you

00:38:08.960 --> 00:38:09.980
 will have for

00:38:09.980 --> 00:38:10.340
 intimacy.

00:38:11.280 --> 00:38:12.160
 That's a massive

00:38:12.160 --> 00:38:13.300
 determiner of the

00:38:13.300 --> 00:38:13.900
 quality of your

00:38:13.900 --> 00:38:14.440
 sex life.

00:38:14.980 --> 00:38:15.640
 Five, ten years

00:38:15.640 --> 00:38:16.180
 down the road.

00:38:16.579 --> 00:38:17.079
 Whether or not

00:38:17.079 --> 00:38:17.960
 somebody will shut

00:38:17.960 --> 00:38:19.320
 their computer or

00:38:19.320 --> 00:38:19.880
 turn off their

00:38:19.880 --> 00:38:20.980
 iPhone and take

00:38:20.980 --> 00:38:21.800
 that moment to say

00:38:21.800 --> 00:38:22.780
 yeah, what was it

00:38:22.780 --> 00:38:23.440
 you wanted to say?

00:38:24.380 --> 00:38:25.059
 That's it.

00:38:25.140 --> 00:38:25.599
 It's not rocket

00:38:25.599 --> 00:38:25.940
 science.

00:38:27.039 --> 00:38:27.460
 And if you're

00:38:27.460 --> 00:38:29.420
 married, intimacy

00:38:29.420 --> 00:38:30.320
 again is not about

00:38:30.320 --> 00:38:31.079
 the big showy

00:38:31.079 --> 00:38:31.660
 displays of

00:38:31.660 --> 00:38:32.539
 affection like

00:38:32.539 --> 00:38:33.820
 big trips or

00:38:33.820 --> 00:38:34.880
 weekends at B&B's

00:38:34.880 --> 00:38:35.380
 although those

00:38:35.380 --> 00:38:36.019
 things are fun.

00:38:36.780 --> 00:38:37.680
 By all means do

00:38:37.680 --> 00:38:37.900
 them.

00:38:38.599 --> 00:38:39.460
 But intimacy is

00:38:39.460 --> 00:38:39.960
 built through

00:38:39.960 --> 00:38:40.599
 these small

00:38:40.599 --> 00:38:41.420
 mundane daily

00:38:41.420 --> 00:38:41.860
 interactions.

00:38:42.019 --> 00:38:42.460
 Do you have a

00:38:42.460 --> 00:38:43.440
 posture of turning

00:38:43.440 --> 00:38:44.480
 toward or a

00:38:44.480 --> 00:38:45.460
 posture of turning

00:38:45.460 --> 00:38:46.000
 against?

00:38:47.079 --> 00:38:47.940
 So these are the

00:38:47.940 --> 00:38:48.599
 three points we

00:38:48.599 --> 00:38:49.240
 got to stop here

00:38:49.240 --> 00:38:49.760
 for the sake of

00:38:49.760 --> 00:38:49.980
 time.

00:38:50.079 --> 00:38:50.619
 Three points that

00:38:50.619 --> 00:38:51.119
 I want to make

00:38:51.119 --> 00:38:51.660
 opening our

00:38:51.660 --> 00:38:52.119
 series about

00:38:52.119 --> 00:38:52.440
 intimacy.

00:38:52.440 --> 00:38:53.679
 Intimacy is

00:38:53.679 --> 00:38:54.700
 vital for human

00:38:54.700 --> 00:38:55.139
 flourishing.

00:38:55.260 --> 00:38:56.099
 Sexual gratification

00:38:56.099 --> 00:38:56.559
 is not.

00:38:56.920 --> 00:38:57.659
 Intimacy involves

00:38:57.659 --> 00:38:58.539
 the whole person.

00:38:59.820 --> 00:39:00.460
 And thirdly,

00:39:00.539 --> 00:39:01.659
 intimacy is this

00:39:01.659 --> 00:39:02.340
 rhythm, this

00:39:02.340 --> 00:39:03.400
 dance of

00:39:03.400 --> 00:39:04.700
 invitation response

00:39:04.700 --> 00:39:05.780
 dozens of times

00:39:05.780 --> 00:39:06.980
 every day.

00:39:07.980 --> 00:39:08.780
 So there's one

00:39:08.780 --> 00:39:09.599
 final thing we

00:39:09.599 --> 00:39:10.059
 need to see,

00:39:10.159 --> 00:39:11.000
 one final point

00:39:11.000 --> 00:39:12.119
 I need to make

00:39:12.119 --> 00:39:13.079
 before we close

00:39:13.079 --> 00:39:14.119
 for tonight.

00:39:14.900 --> 00:39:16.000
 As we've talked

00:39:16.000 --> 00:39:16.760
 about all of

00:39:16.760 --> 00:39:17.400
 these forms of

00:39:17.400 --> 00:39:18.159
 human intimacy,

00:39:18.500 --> 00:39:19.340
 we also need to

00:39:19.340 --> 00:39:20.679
 acknowledge that

00:39:20.679 --> 00:39:21.500
 no matter how much

00:39:21.500 --> 00:39:22.500
 intimacy we have

00:39:22.500 --> 00:39:23.639
 as human beings,

00:39:23.699 --> 00:39:24.400
 it will never be

00:39:24.400 --> 00:39:24.719
 enough.

00:39:26.239 --> 00:39:26.820
 You'll never

00:39:26.820 --> 00:39:27.400
 arrive.

00:39:28.320 --> 00:39:28.960
 You'll never be

00:39:28.960 --> 00:39:29.659
 fully satisfied.

00:39:30.639 --> 00:39:31.360
 You'll never be

00:39:31.360 --> 00:39:32.019
 in a marriage and

00:39:32.019 --> 00:39:33.159
 say, now all my

00:39:33.159 --> 00:39:33.699
 needs are met.

00:39:34.519 --> 00:39:35.179
 And the reason

00:39:35.179 --> 00:39:35.699
 for that is

00:39:35.699 --> 00:39:36.219
 because we're

00:39:36.219 --> 00:39:37.119
 made not just

00:39:37.119 --> 00:39:37.699
 for intimacy

00:39:37.699 --> 00:39:38.539
 with other human

00:39:38.539 --> 00:39:39.360
 beings, we're

00:39:39.360 --> 00:39:40.260
 actually made for

00:39:40.260 --> 00:39:41.440
 intimacy with the

00:39:41.440 --> 00:39:41.780
 Lord.

00:39:42.059 --> 00:39:42.800
 So at the end

00:39:42.800 --> 00:39:43.300
 of the day,

00:39:43.360 --> 00:39:43.840
 the thing that is

00:39:43.840 --> 00:39:44.679
 most important is

00:39:44.679 --> 00:39:45.260
 not whether I

00:39:45.260 --> 00:39:45.920
 ever have this

00:39:45.920 --> 00:39:46.360
 intimacy with

00:39:46.360 --> 00:39:46.940
 another person,

00:39:47.179 --> 00:39:47.659
 because some of

00:39:47.659 --> 00:39:48.039
 us will and

00:39:48.039 --> 00:39:48.400
 some of us

00:39:48.400 --> 00:39:48.699
 won't.

00:39:49.179 --> 00:39:50.179
 What matters is,

00:39:50.440 --> 00:39:51.079
 will I ever have

00:39:51.079 --> 00:39:51.559
 this kind of

00:39:51.559 --> 00:39:52.299
 intimacy with

00:39:52.299 --> 00:39:52.639
 God?

00:39:53.639 --> 00:39:54.539
 Because that's

00:39:54.539 --> 00:39:55.380
 the primary

00:39:55.380 --> 00:39:56.279
 relationship that

00:39:56.279 --> 00:39:56.719
 we're designed

00:39:56.719 --> 00:39:57.239
 to have.

00:39:58.000 --> 00:39:58.519
 And Jesus'

00:39:58.759 --> 00:39:59.460
 prayer in John

00:39:59.460 --> 00:40:00.980
 17 is about

00:40:00.980 --> 00:40:01.460
 that.

00:40:01.559 --> 00:40:01.860
 He says,

00:40:02.159 --> 00:40:02.659
 through my

00:40:02.659 --> 00:40:04.179
 sacrifice, I

00:40:04.179 --> 00:40:05.599
 desire that all

00:40:05.599 --> 00:40:06.340
 of my people

00:40:06.340 --> 00:40:07.259
 would experience

00:40:07.259 --> 00:40:08.739
 perfect oneness

00:40:08.739 --> 00:40:09.539
 with God.

00:40:09.599 --> 00:40:09.980
 He says in

00:40:09.980 --> 00:40:10.539
 verse 21,

00:40:10.940 --> 00:40:11.519
 that they may

00:40:11.519 --> 00:40:12.440
 all be one,

00:40:12.679 --> 00:40:13.380
 just as you,

00:40:13.539 --> 00:40:14.219
 Father, are in

00:40:14.219 --> 00:40:15.460
 me and I in

00:40:15.460 --> 00:40:16.259
 you, that they

00:40:16.259 --> 00:40:17.319
 also may be in

00:40:17.319 --> 00:40:17.819
 us.

00:40:18.900 --> 00:40:19.739
 That's intimacy.

00:40:19.739 --> 00:40:19.879
 intimacy.

00:40:20.599 --> 00:40:21.199
 The problem

00:40:21.199 --> 00:40:21.679
 is, I think,

00:40:21.739 --> 00:40:22.319
 many of us

00:40:22.319 --> 00:40:23.559
 approach God,

00:40:24.699 --> 00:40:25.879
 many of us

00:40:25.879 --> 00:40:26.719
 approach life

00:40:26.719 --> 00:40:27.879
 feeling like the

00:40:27.879 --> 00:40:28.679
 Shulamite woman.

00:40:30.279 --> 00:40:31.099
 I think all of

00:40:31.099 --> 00:40:31.439
 us do.

00:40:32.799 --> 00:40:33.519
 In the sense

00:40:33.519 --> 00:40:34.119
 that, you know,

00:40:34.159 --> 00:40:34.579
 she says,

00:40:34.659 --> 00:40:35.639
 don't judge me

00:40:35.639 --> 00:40:36.219
 because of my

00:40:36.219 --> 00:40:36.500
 skin.

00:40:37.500 --> 00:40:38.219
 But I think a

00:40:38.219 --> 00:40:38.539
 lot of our

00:40:38.539 --> 00:40:39.219
 insecurities go

00:40:39.219 --> 00:40:39.779
 way deeper.

00:40:40.819 --> 00:40:41.559
 We say,

00:40:42.079 --> 00:40:43.619
 don't look at

00:40:43.619 --> 00:40:43.859
 me.

00:40:45.339 --> 00:40:46.339
 If you only

00:40:46.339 --> 00:40:46.679
 knew.

00:40:47.019 --> 00:40:48.000
 If you only

00:40:48.000 --> 00:40:48.319
 knew.

00:40:48.320 --> 00:40:49.019
 Even as we're

00:40:49.019 --> 00:40:49.400
 sitting here

00:40:49.400 --> 00:40:49.960
 talking about

00:40:49.960 --> 00:40:50.760
 sexuality and

00:40:50.760 --> 00:40:51.500
 past and bad

00:40:51.500 --> 00:40:52.200
 decisions, I

00:40:52.200 --> 00:40:52.920
 know all kinds

00:40:52.920 --> 00:40:53.320
 of things are

00:40:53.320 --> 00:40:53.820
 coming to our

00:40:53.820 --> 00:40:54.260
 minds and we're

00:40:54.260 --> 00:40:55.019
 thinking, man,

00:40:55.140 --> 00:40:56.620
 if anybody knew

00:40:56.620 --> 00:40:57.580
 that thing I

00:40:57.580 --> 00:40:58.680
 did, if anybody

00:40:58.680 --> 00:41:00.140
 knew what I'm

00:41:00.140 --> 00:41:01.360
 like in this

00:41:01.360 --> 00:41:01.940
 situation, if

00:41:01.940 --> 00:41:02.840
 anybody knew what

00:41:02.840 --> 00:41:03.300
 I was doing

00:41:03.300 --> 00:41:04.460
 earlier today, if

00:41:04.460 --> 00:41:05.360
 anybody knew,

00:41:06.539 --> 00:41:07.340
 they would run.

00:41:08.580 --> 00:41:09.380
 We're like that

00:41:09.380 --> 00:41:10.180
 woman who says,

00:41:10.280 --> 00:41:10.820
 don't look at me,

00:41:10.880 --> 00:41:11.460
 don't look at that,

00:41:11.519 --> 00:41:12.039
 don't look at that

00:41:12.039 --> 00:41:12.780
 part of me, just

00:41:12.780 --> 00:41:13.500
 focus on the good

00:41:13.500 --> 00:41:14.220
 stuff, don't look

00:41:14.220 --> 00:41:14.620
 at the bad

00:41:14.620 --> 00:41:15.000
 stuff.

00:41:15.220 --> 00:41:16.300
 And we're terrified

00:41:16.300 --> 00:41:17.059
 of intimacy because

00:41:17.059 --> 00:41:17.820
 we're terrified of

00:41:17.820 --> 00:41:18.480
 anybody seeing

00:41:18.480 --> 00:41:18.980
 that stuff and

00:41:18.980 --> 00:41:19.760
 rejecting us.

00:41:21.000 --> 00:41:21.780
 And the great

00:41:21.780 --> 00:41:22.300
 news of the

00:41:22.300 --> 00:41:22.980
 gospel and the

00:41:22.980 --> 00:41:23.800
 reason that all

00:41:23.800 --> 00:41:24.980
 of us have hope

00:41:24.980 --> 00:41:25.720
 for this kind of

00:41:25.720 --> 00:41:27.039
 intimacy is that

00:41:27.039 --> 00:41:27.920
 when we come to

00:41:27.920 --> 00:41:29.160
 Jesus, when we

00:41:29.160 --> 00:41:30.320
 confess those things

00:41:30.320 --> 00:41:31.600
 to Jesus, who is

00:41:31.600 --> 00:41:32.120
 by the way the

00:41:32.120 --> 00:41:33.019
 truer and better

00:41:33.019 --> 00:41:34.680
 Solomon, he's the

00:41:34.680 --> 00:41:35.340
 one who says to

00:41:35.340 --> 00:41:36.320
 us, just like we

00:41:36.320 --> 00:41:38.000
 read, you are the

00:41:38.000 --> 00:41:39.200
 love of my life.

00:41:40.260 --> 00:41:41.380
 You are the one my

00:41:41.380 --> 00:41:42.620
 soul loves.

00:41:43.720 --> 00:41:44.300
 He says, you're the

00:41:44.300 --> 00:41:45.320
 one for whom I gave

00:41:45.320 --> 00:41:45.940
 my life.

00:41:45.940 --> 00:41:47.480
 And then he raises

00:41:47.480 --> 00:41:48.240
 our eyes to meet

00:41:48.240 --> 00:41:48.980
 his and he says,

00:41:49.340 --> 00:41:50.320
 and you belong

00:41:50.320 --> 00:41:51.200
 with me.

00:41:53.360 --> 00:41:54.960
 Because I made

00:41:54.960 --> 00:41:56.860
 you and I made

00:41:56.860 --> 00:41:58.440
 you for myself.

00:41:59.720 --> 00:42:00.740
 Let's pray.