Well, good morning, everyone. We're up to marriage number seven, marriage week number seven, that is.
! We've been spending several weeks unpacking these passages, these verses in Ephesians 5,
! and particularly unravelling the profound mystery of marriage, the mystery that is the gospel of Jesus Christ
and marriage between a man and a woman explain each other. As I've said a number of times, marriage is the ultimate human relationship,
but it is the penultimate relationship. It points to the eternal marriage of Christ and his church.
And we've seen that marriage is a public, legal, binding covenant between a man and a woman to share all of their life together,
in which their union, the differences in their union, in them as individuals made in the image of God,
they are equal and they complement one another, shaping each other, preparing each other for the ultimate and eternal marriage with Christ.
And so therefore, the practice of truth and love and grace are essential in terms of shaping that.
And so we're up to number seven of unpacking these verses, and you really can't have a series about marriage
without at least one message on sex, especially so because in the Bible, in the biblical ethic,
the marriage between a man and a woman is the only place which sex is to be practised.
And so that's what we're looking at today.
And if you've got the St. Paul's app, there's four points today.
Sex in the city, sex in the Bible, sex in marriage, and I was going to say sex in the future,
but let's just call it the glorious sex instead.
Okay, so let's jump into that.
We'll begin.
I want to look just very briefly at three broad attitudes to sex throughout history,
and they are very broad throughout culture and history.
The first one says that sex is really a natural appetite.
It's just a bodily function.
And this view suggests that sex, like eating, is a good and natural appetite that ought to be pursued.
And so you even see glimpses of this in 1 Corinthians, where Paul pushes back against that view.
The implication is that a person should always, therefore, be free to fulfil that appetite.
Whenever they get the appetite, they should fulfil it.
In fact, forbidding that natural appetite, the satisfaction of it, or even limiting it in any kind of way,
is as unhealthy as trying to stop eating for years.
And so in a culture that says, which we exist in our modern culture,
that the pursuit of pleasure is the greatest good, that is, it's the philosophy of hedonism.
You pursue pleasure in life.
That's why we exist.
My personal happiness and satisfaction is why I exist.
And sex being the ultimate sense of personal satisfaction and pleasure,
then therefore it should be pursued without any form of hindrance at all.
Now, we often identify this with the modern time,
but it's actually something that has deep historical roots way back in history.
Even into Greek philosophy.
The second view is one that's a bit more negative.
Sex is seen as a lower physical nature,
and it's distinct from a higher rational, more spiritual nature.
This too goes all the way back into Greek philosophy,
and you'll see this in 1 Corinthians as well.
And so therefore, this view generally sees sex as degrading.
It's a necessary evil to keep the human race going on,
but that's really it.
And in our modern day,
this is viewed broadly as the Christian view of sex,
that it's a necessary evil.
That's it.
And it would see that this is the Bible's view of sex as well.
Now, the third view, which is quite prominent in our society,
increasingly so since the sexual revolution in the 1960s,
the first view sees sex as an unavoidable drive.
The second sees it as a necessary evil,
and the third sees it as a critical form of personal identity and of self-expression.
Historically, in the various views of sex,
this one is a very, very modern concept.
It doesn't have historical roots.
It's very much a modern concept.
And that is,
sex, sexual expression,
is a way that you are to be yourself
and to find yourself.
And therefore,
sex in a physical sense
is primarily
for my individual,
physical fulfillment
and my self-discovery.
It's a core of who I am
and my self-expression.
Now, the modern sexual revolution
finds the idea of abstinence from sex
in any form
until marriage
to not just to be unrealistic,
but in fact to be ludicrous.
It is absolute insanity.
In fact, for many people,
it does psychological harm.
It's viewed as psychologically unhelpful
and unhealthy
to restrict yourself sexually,
expressing yourself sexually.
So that's,
you know,
sex in the city
and the third view
is very, very prominent
in our day and age.
So what is the Bible's view of sex then?
It is, in fact,
radically different.
The Bible, in fact,
does see,
radically different
and yet not entirely different.
The Bible actually does see
that sex is an appetite,
but not in the same category
that we might need
food or sleep.
Nor does the Bible view
any appetite
as something
that should be gratified
whenever we feel like it
as much as we like.
And that is pretty common wisdom
in our society.
Too many struggle
to discipline their eating
or their sleeping
because our appetites for food
and for sleep
is seriously out of line
with what our bodies really need.
Most of us would rather
be in bed right now.
That's the reality.
And when you have a buffet breakfast
put in front of you
at a hotel,
you want everything.
It's not just about
getting your money's worth.
You just want everything.
You want to have a crack at it all.
And so,
therefore,
it needs to be restricted.
And our sex drive
needs more boundaries
and discipline
because sex
does not just shape
my physical being,
it shapes our inner being
as well.
It shapes our heart.
Sex,
I'm sorry,
sin in our hearts
distorts our passions,
all of our passions,
our desires,
and especially so for sex.
Because sex
is for whole life self-giving.
That's its design by God.
That's its purpose.
It's designed
for whole life self-giving.
But the sin in the heart says,
I want it for selfish reasons.
And so,
the Bible puts many rules
around sex
to direct its use
in the right way
not
to diminish
pleasures in life,
but in order to protect us,
to shape our hearts.
And so,
the Bible does see it
as an appetite,
but with boundaries.
Neither does the Bible
see sex,
it certainly doesn't see sex
as dirty or demeaning
or degrading.
In fact,
the entire Bible
contradicts this view.
Biblical Christianity
is,
I would suggest,
the most
bodily positive religion
in the entire world.
It teaches
that God made matter.
He made
our physical bodies good.
And the greatest evidence
that it is so
body positive
is that God himself,
God the Son,
took on
human form.
And the promise
for those who trust in Jesus
is a future
in his presence
with perfect,
resurrected bodies
in a physical world.
The Christian hope
is physical.
The thing that we love
in this world
perfected and restored.
God the Lord.
And as we've seen
throughout this series,
God created sexuality
and gave a woman
and a man
to each other
in the very beginning.
The Bible
is not prudish
in any way.
It is pro-sex
in every way.
It contains
great love poetry
that celebrates
sexual passion
and pleasure.
love poetry
and love
Proverbs 5,
19.
Husbands are encouraged
to let their wives
breastfill them
with delight
and be intoxicated
by their sexual love.
Song of Songs
is another Old Testament book
that rejoices
in the delights
of sexual love
in marriage.
In
Song 5,
verses 10 to 16,
it is the wife
who candidly
expresses her physical attraction
towards her husband.
Now,
when you go there
and you read that,
I think virtually
every English translation
hesitates
in its translation
of the Hebrew.
Every one of them does.
The Hebrew
in there
is
what you would
describe as
scholars
as being
embarrassingly
erotic.
And most
translators,
frankly,
cannot bring themselves
to bring out
the obvious meaning
of those verses
which is
very clearly
of her
arousal
and her
preparation
for sex.
That's what's
happening in these
verses.
There's no
shame here.
I mean,
the translators
do it.
The translators
turn the lights
off and dim the lights
a little bit.
But there's no
shy,
shame,
turn the lights
down,
mechanical movement
under the sheets.
It is very clear
in the Hebrew
what's happening.
The two
are standing
before each other.
They are
round
and feeling
no shame
but only joy
in each other's
sexuality.
In other words,
if you haven't got it,
Song of Songs 5,
10 to 16
is foreplay
if you haven't
got that worked
out yet.
The Bible
is very
uncomfortable
for the
prudish.
The Bible
also doesn't
see sex
as being
primarily
about
individual
happiness
and fulfillment
but that
does not
mean that
sex
is not
about
joy
and pleasure
and fulfillment.
What the Bible
teaches us
is that
sex is
primarily
a way
of knowing
God
and building
community
and if you
use it
for those
things
rather
than for
your own
personal
satisfaction,
it will
lead
ultimately
to greater
fulfillment
than you
could ever
imagine.
The first
explicit
mention
of sex
in the
Bible
is
within
the
first
two
chapters,
Genesis
2.24
which Paul
quotes
in Ephesians
5 that
Mark just
read out
for us
where it
says
the male
and the
female
are united
to become
one
flesh.
Now
this is
referring
to
physical
and
primarily
a sexual
union
but it's
referring to
something much
greater as
well.
The word
flesh there
is a
figure of
speech
where it
says God
they become
one flesh.
It's a
figure of
speech
in which
a part
is used
to represent
the whole.
In other
words it
doesn't
mean
just
the
meat
and the
skin
and the
tendons
and stuff.
It's not
referring to
that in
terms of
flesh.
It's
referring to
a part
that represents
the whole.
In the same
way if I
said to
you hey
would someone
just duck
out and
count heads
for me
out in
kids
church?
Literally
what I
mean by
that is
I want
you to
get how
many
people
are
out
there.
Not
how many
heads
are
out
there.
Joel
chapter 2
verse
28
helps us
understand
what it
means when
it says
here one
flesh.
God
promises to
pour out
his spirit
on all
flesh.
Now that
doesn't mean
that when
God pours out
his spirit
it's just
for our
bodies
that's it.
Just
giving it
to the
meat
and the
tendons.
Genesis 2
and Ephesians
5 is
saying that
marriage is
a union
between two
people so
profound
that they
virtually become
a new
single
person.
The two
become one.
The marriage
covenant
and we've
unpacked this
already.
the marriage
covenant
brings
every
aspect
of two
persons'
lives
together
where they
essentially
merge
into a
single
legal
social
economic
union
where they
lose
much of
their
independence.
In love
they donate
themselves
wholly
to the
other.
To call
the marriage
one flesh
then
means that
sex is
understood
as both
a sign
of the
covenant
commitment
of the
personal
commitment
of the
legal
union
and
it's
also
a means
to
accomplish
it.
It's
also a
means to
accomplish
the
oneness.
And that's
why
with the
biblical
ethic
of
sex
it's
very
clear
the
Bible
says
do not
unite
with
someone
physically
unless
you are
also
willing
to
unite
with
the
person
emotionally
personally
socially
economically
and
legally
don't
become
physically
naked
and
vulnerable
to the
other
person
without
becoming
vulnerable
in
every
way
because
you have
given up
your freedom
and bound
yourself to
them
legally
personally
vulnerably
in
marriage
and the
Bible
says
that
to
protect
us
to
protect
us
see once
you have
given
yourself
in
marriage
sex
is a
way of
maintaining
and deepening
that union
as the
years go
by
in
the
Old
Testament
when
God
formed
covenant
relationship
with
people
he
directed
them
to
periodically
for
them
to
remember
the
covenant
relationship
and
all of
its
terms
of the
covenant
relationship
by
reading
the
covenant
together
and
then
recommitting
themselves
to the
covenant
relationship
and
what
God
says
is
you
don't
just
need
the
covenant
you
need
covenant
ceremonies
to
remind
yourself
and to
recommit
yourself
to
that
covenant
and
it
was
crucial
the
recommitment
ceremonies
were crucial
if they
were to
sustain
a life
of
faithfulness
to the
covenant
and
the
same
is with
the
marriage
covenant
when
you get
married
you make
a
solemn
covenant
with
your
spouse
and
as
time
goes
by
with
all
the
ups
and
downs
and
the
complexities
of
life
there
is
a
need
to
rekindle
the
heart
and
to
renew
the
covenant
and
sex
between
a
husband
and
a
wife
is
God's
unique
way
to
do
that
sex
is
God's
appointed
way
for
two
people
to
reciprocally
if you
like
say to
each
other
I
belong
completely
permanently
exclusively
to
you
and
that's
why the
Bible
says you
must not
use
sex to
say
anything
less
than
that
because
it's
not
designed
to say
anything
less
than
that
sex
and
that's
why the
Bible
says
that a
covenant
is
necessary
for
sex
it
creates
a
place
of
security
for
the
vulnerability
and
for
the
intimacy
a
marriage
covenant
is
necessary
for
sex
and
sex
is
necessary
for
the
maintenance
of
the
covenant
I'm
not
sure
you've
ever
thought
about
sex
before
as
being
a
covenant
renewal
service
the
Bible
does
not
teach
sex
sexual
abstinence
before
marriage
because
it has
a low
view
or a
degraded
view
of
sex
it
teaches
it
because
it
has
the
highest
view
of
sex
imaginable
it's
because
of
God's
design
and
purpose
for
sex
that
it
teaches
us
that
sex
outside
of
marriage
is
not
just
morally
wrong
but
it's
actually
personally
harmful
if
sex
is
designed
to be
part
of
making
a
covenant
and
experiencing
that
covenant
renewal
connected
to
another
person
even
when
it's
used
wrongly
and
so
the
damage
begins
as we
give
ourselves
away
even
if that's
not
we think
that's
what we're
doing
even
if you
are not
married
you may
find yourself
very quickly
feeling
marriage like
ties
to the
person
that you
have just
had
physical
union
with
feeling
that the
other
person
has
obligations
to you
in some
way
because
you've
had
sex
but
they
have
no
legal
social
or
moral
responsibility
even
to
call
you
back
the
next
morning
or
even
to
be
there
for
breakfast
and
this
leads
to
jealousy
and
hurt
feelings
and
obsessiveness
if
two
people
are
having
sex
but
they're
not
married
it
makes
breaking
up
vastly
harder
!
than
it
should
be
and
it
leads
many
people
to
stay
trapped
in
relationships
that
are
not
good
because
of
feelings
that
they
have
connected
themselves
to
this
person
sex
outside
of
marriage
eventually
works
backwards
to the
point
where it
makes
you
less
able
to
commit
and
trust
another
human
being
so
that's
the
biblical
sex
ethic
and
the
high
view
so
what
does
that
mean
for
sex
in
marriage
we
should
not
be
surprised
that
given
that
view
that
various
passages
instruct
marriage
couples
to enjoy
sex
and to
do
so
frequently
1
Corinthians
7
is one
of those
classic
passages
Paul
speaks
with real
clarity
about
sex
in
marriage
the
husband
should
fulfill
his
marital
duty
to
his
wife
and
likewise
the
wife
to
her
husband
the
wife's
body
does
not
belong
to
her
alone
but
also
to
her
husband
in
the
same
way
the
husband's
body
does
not
belong
to
him
alone
but
also
to
his
wife
do
not
deprive
each
other
except
for
mutual
consent
and
for
a
time
now
bear
in
mind
that
when
those
words
were
written
by
Paul
this
is a
time
when
women
were
considered
culturally
the
possessions
of
their
husbands
and
it
was
the
woman
who
was
bound
exclusively
to
a
husband
but
the
husbands
were
encouraged
to
express
themselves
sexually
culturally
with
whoever
and
in
fact
you
often
did
not
have
sexual
relations
with
your
wife
except
for
procreation
and
it
was
the
servants
the
mistresses
that
the
man
of
the
house
would
more
frequently
have
sexual
relationship
with
and so
it's
profound
what
Paul
says
here
profound
don't
miss
it
the
husband's
body
does
not
belong
to him
alone
but
also
to
the
wife
that's
the
sexual
biblical
ethic
each
partner
is to
be
primarily
concerned
with
giving
sexual
pleasure
not
receiving
it
and
in fact
the
greatest
sexual
pleasure
should
be
the
pleasure
of
seeing
your
spouse
getting
pleasure
and
when
you
get
to
the
place
in
your
marriage
where
giving
arousal
is the
most
arousing
thing
you're
actually
practicing
the
principle
of
1
Corinthians
7
now
just to clarify and get a little bit more details here, I'm not talking about performance.
That primarily, if you were here earlier on the series, I talked about the world's view of
marriage and being primarily about attraction, physical attraction. What drives in that moment
is that sexual relationships ultimately come about performance. You know, have the sex act
and you're thinking, did I do okay? Do you feel great? And if you go, oh no, actually,
the previous guy was better, you feel deflated and your identity's wrapped up in it.
It's all about performance. And so when I'm talking about arousal here and giving of self
and pleasure, I'm not talking, you know, is every time an orgasm. I'm not talking about
that at all. I mean, for you and married, for those who are married, just start trying
to simply love the other insects. Just love each other. That's it. Stop worrying about
what you are getting and start working on what you can do to just give. Give.
Now, this also, I think, 1 Corinthians addresses the typical problem that many couples experience
in marriage at various points in relationship where one person wants more sex than the other
one does. And if your main purpose in sex is giving pleasure, not getting pleasure, then
a person who doesn't have as much of a sex drive physically can, in fact, give the other person
pleasure as a gift. It's a gift. That's what Paul's instructing here in 1 Corinthians 7.
And according to this, in 1 Corinthians 7, it is a legitimate act of love, according to Paul.
It's a gift to give. It's a gift to give. It's not a requirement you can demand. It's a gift to give.
Don't buy into the lie that says unless you're going to be all passionate, then you can't do it.
Do it as a gift to each other.
Now, related to this are the differences that many spouses experience over what is the most satisfying
context for sex. Now, of course, this is not universal, but it might be.
But for males, context means very little. Really, all you really need is pretty much time,
any time, any place, anywhere, you know, like, to just, that's the male context for sex.
The blind side to this means that us blokes can be oblivious to something that is more important
to our wives. And that means the need for preparing for sex emotionally.
I don't mean by that flowers and candles, although it might mean that.
But preparing for sex emotionally, conversation, connection.
We must, either way, what we need to understand with our differences,
we need to be very patient with each other.
However, the Bible gives such a very high view of sex.
It is a sign and a seal of our oneness with each other and with God.
And that is why sexual intimacy will often be the very first sign of problems in a marriage relationship.
Sex is such a great and a sensitive thing that you're not able to just sweep your problems,
under the bedsheets.
It will be there.
Unless your marriage relationship is in good condition,
sex doesn't work.
A lack of sexual intimacy may be a sign of a deeper problem in the relationship.
It is often the case that if those problems are addressed,
then what happens is that sexual intimacy starts to improve.
That is, if you go to a counsellor wanting help with your sexual relationship,
they don't draw pictures, they don't help you with techniques,
they help you connect and understand.
A fundamental rule of marriage is that over time you'll be married to many spouses,
even if it's the same person you're being married to the whole time,
because of the change and the shift.
There's time, children, illness, age.
It brings its changes and its challenges.
And if we don't confront and adapt to those changes and those challenges,
they will ultimately erode our sex life.
Without joyful, loving sex, the friction in a relationship,
a marriage relationship, will often bring anger, resent,
hardness and disappointment,
rather than sex being a commitment glue that holds you together,
it can become actually a force to divide you.
And so my encouragement for you is to never give up on your sex life.
If you're married, that is.
Caveat there in case I haven't been clear previously.
Which brings me to the final point.
And the purpose of it and the glory of it.
Sex make wonderful bedfellows, but they make terrible gods.
Sex is not God.
Marriage is not God.
God is God.
And sex in the covenant of marriage is part of God's great plan.
It is a plan, part of his plan to sanctify us
and to point us to the rapturous delight of the ultimate marriage in the future.
Of the ultimate union between Christ and his church.
A moment ago, I mentioned Song of Songs 5.
It's candid description of the erotic love in marriage
and particularly the description of the woman and her arousal at the man.
And what is remarkable about that,
scholars will tell you that it is,
that those words in Song of Songs 5 are highly unusual.
Highly unusual.
In ancient texts.
Because Song of Songs is primarily the woman speaking to the man.
That's highly unusual in ancient texts.
It's usually the man speaking about the woman's features.
And in Song of Songs, it's her voice which is dominant.
She's the one who seeks.
She's the one who pursues.
She's the one who initiates.
Highly unusual.
And there are only a couple of ancient texts still in existence today.
Only a couple.
Out of all that would be expressing the physical features of another human being,
there's only a couple in the world in existence in all ancient texts
where it's the woman describing the man's body.
And Song of Songs 5, 10 to 16 is the clearest of them.
And this is therefore the only description in the Bible
where a woman describes the man's body in detail.
The physical features of the man.
Only other one.
Except for one.
In the book of Revelation.
Revelation 1, Revelation 19 where we read the symbolic bodily descriptions
of the resurrected, ascended, glorified and reigning Jesus.
That is the woman's erotic, candid, joyful, rapturous description
of her lover in Song of Songs 5.
Her arousal.
Her passion to be united with him.
Is meant to point us to Jesus.
It's meant to point us to the gospel.
It's meant to point us to the cross.
And that's why for centuries biblical scholars have said that Song of Songs is ultimately about
the love and the union between Jesus Christ and his church.
And so as we read Song of Songs 5, I mean, there might be some wives here who, well, that's my husband.
Not when I look around the room necessarily or myself in the mirror.
But we're meant to see Jesus as the one who is altogether lovely, our beloved, our friend.
Song of Songs 5.16.
Jesus is lovely in his person, in his glory, in his majesty, in his resurrection, in his ascension, in his grace, in his power, in his wisdom, in his pardon, and in his selfless incarnation and death.
Jesus is the epitome of self-denial and self-giving.
And John 17 tells us that from all of eternity, the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit have been adoring and glorifying each other, living in high devotion to each other, pouring love and joy and pleasure into each other's hearts continually.
And God made man and woman and brought them together to be one flesh, to represent that, to reflect, and in sex, to reflect the joyous, the self-giving, and the pleasure and the love of God that exists in the very life of the Trinity for all of eternity.
Sex is glorious, not only because it reflects the joy and pleasure in the Trinity, but also because it points us to eternal delight, joy, pleasure of love that we will have in heaven in all our relationships with God and each other.
This is not in your notes.
But husband and wife, next time you have sex and you go, well, that was good, you say, my union with Christ is going to be even more spectacular.
More pleasurable, more fulfilling, more joyous.
And unlike this moment, which I will forget in a couple of minutes, let's say half an hour,
the presence of Christ will be eternal.
It will never end.
Every physical orgasm points to the ultimate spiritual orgasm that will never end.
According to Ephesians 5, Christian marriage should look like crucifixion, where selfless love and selfless submission collide.
It's where both husband and wife can say, God has given me a lover who preaches to me every day the gospel,
a spouse who sings to me the story of our salvation, of God having reconciled selflessness through his selfless son for my pleasure and joy.
And the best Christian marriages are pointers to that deep, infinite, fulfilling and final union we will have with Christ in love.
Let's pray.
We praise you, God of love, creator of the universe.
We praise you, Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, one person, one God in three persons, for making us to reflect you as male and female.
We thank you for giving us the gift of marriage to display the union we have with you through the saving work of Jesus.
We pray for those whom you have joined in marriage.
That they may know your presence in all the joys and the sorrows.
Amen.
Deepen their love for each other and sustain them in their covenant commitment until they are parted by death
and come into all the rapturous joys and pleasures of your eternal embrace at the great feast of the Lamb.
Speed the day, we pray.
In Jesus' name.
Amen.
.