Proverbs 29, verse 22.
A man of wrath stirs up strife, and one given to anger causes much transgression.
Proverbs 19, verse 19.
A man of great wrath will pay the penalty, for if you deliver him, you will only have to do it again.
Proverbs 20, verse 22.
Do not say, I will repay evil. Wait for the Lord, and he will deliver you.
Proverbs 29, verse 11.
A fool gives full bent to his spirit, but a wise man quietly holds it back.
Proverbs 14, verse 29.
Whoever is slow to anger has great understanding, and he who has a hasty temper exalts folly.
Proverbs 12, verse 16.
The vexation of a fool is known at once, but the prudent ignores an insult.
Proverbs 19, verse 11.
Good sense makes one slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook an offense.
Proverbs 15, verse 1.
A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.
Proverbs 15, verse 18.
A hot-tempered man stirs up strife, but he who is slow to anger quiets contention.
Proverbs 10, verse 12.
Hatred stirs up strife, but love covers all offenses.
Proverbs 25, verses 21 to 22.
If your enemy is hungry, give him bread to eat, and if he is thirsty, give him water to drink.
For you will heap burning coals on his head, and the Lord will reward you.
James 1, verses 19 to 21.
Know this, my beloved brothers.
Let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger,
or that anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.
Therefore put away all filthiness and rampant wickedness,
and receive with meekness the implanted word which is able to save souls.
Well, good morning, everyone.
Well, you might have noticed already that we're getting into Proverbs,
so we're getting back into our holiday series in wisdom literature,
and we're going to be wrapping up Proverbs.
I don't know if you ever can wrap up Proverbs.
There's so much in it, but we are.
So we've got three more weeks.
This one is on anger, as you can tell.
And next week will be on living wisely in a post-Christian world.
And then we're going to wrap up in Chapter 31,
that elusive woman, the woman of wisdom.
Then in Term 1, we're going to be getting into the Book of Romans
to get into that core foundational truth that we find in Romans,
just to get our orientation right as we head into the new year.
So I hope you're looking forward to that.
Will you pray with me as we get into God's word?
Let's pray together.
Yeah, Lord, if there's any emotion that has led to the destruction
of your image bearers themselves
and to the destruction of relationships
and wreaked havoc in your church
and between husbands and wives and parents and children and friendships,
Lord, anger must be up there, if not the top of the list.
Lord, I pray, I suppose what we just prayed in that song,
that you would give us an undivided heart,
that you would change us, sanctify us that little bit more today.
Lord, we need your word,
not only so that life will go well,
but so that we live in a way that pleases you
and represents you well.
Lord, it's just so lovely that you send the rain
and just refreshes the earth,
like you give us that picture in Isaiah.
I pray that your word would send it.
May it fall down and wash our hearts this morning,
that we might be slow to anger like you are.
In Jesus' name I pray.
Amen.
Well, to get into this,
I'm going to borrow a very ordinary situation story
from a book by Larry Crabb.
Now, the technology,
you understand once I say the story,
but the technology you might need to update a little bit,
but I think we can all still resonate with the situation
and I think we can apply it.
It's a husband and wife situation,
but we can apply it to any relationship, I think.
So, the wife retells what happened.
So, this is her words.
We each had really bad days
and all we wanted to do was relax in front of the TV.
As soon as we both were settled and comfortable,
the phone rang.
Neither of us moved.
After about three rings,
my husband said in the most tired voice,
Honey, could you get it?
Well, I immediately felt irritated.
I knew he was going to ask me to get up.
I was tired too,
and I felt like I'm always the one who waits on him.
So, I said,
I just got comfortable.
I wish you'd get it this time.
Well, you would have thought
I asked him to run to the store at midnight.
He stared at me for a second with utter disgust.
Then he got up.
By the time he got there,
the phone had stopped.
We barely said a word to each other
the rest of the evening.
That's the story.
Now, I've picked this story
to lead into this topic for a few reasons.
You might be on the receiving end
of some very destructive anger,
whether verbally or physically.
It could be criminal.
And that's not okay.
And there's people to help.
There's pastors, there's psychologists,
there's police.
My focus today, though,
is on anger at the level of that story.
The kind of everyday anger
that we all feel in every relationship,
nearly every day.
So, I just want that story to be a picture
of kind of the scope
of what we're trying to cover today.
Another reason for...
I like this story
is to hopefully hold up something of a mirror
in case you don't think you're an angry person.
It's such a small situation,
like a phone ringing.
You just want to both relax.
There's politeness in the words.
Honey, I'm comfortable.
Can't you do it this time?
Like, it's polite.
It's civil.
And yet you can feel the hurt.
You can feel the anger in the room.
It's the silence.
It's the stare of the eyes.
It's seething inside,
but not actually expressing what you're feeling.
And it destroyed the freedom of that relationship,
at least for the rest of the evening.
And if it was a pattern of relating,
who knows what else it would destroy.
It's such a simple thing,
and that's why I find it so powerful.
Anger is destructive,
and I think we're all angry people.
I'm still learning to express my anger in constructive ways.
Like, I used to...
Not that Emma would ever do anything to cause me to be upset,
but I used to...
I would be passive-aggressive towards her
and try the silent treatment
and being short in my replies and avoiding her.
And there was just one problem.
She had no idea that I was upset,
and it just didn't work.
If you're down the passive-aggressive end of the spectrum of anger like I am,
just stop for a second and think about what you're doing.
You hurt me,
so I will try and hurt you by withdrawing my love from you.
That's brutal.
It's destructive.
I'm probably saying that harsher
because I'm talking to myself there.
We all have a problem with anger.
And it seems to be a growing problem with this pandemic.
Bo Wong shared an article with me,
A Nation on Hold Wants to Speak to the Manager.
Many customer relation jobs are just...
They're fed up of the anger of customers recently,
especially on airlines and in supermarkets
and in restaurants and things.
People get angry over masks.
I think there's one employee sums it up,
saying,
Have you seen a man in his 60s have a temper tantrum
because we don't have the expensive imported cheese he wants?
A man in his 60s at Woolies
having a temper tantrum in the middle of the aisle.
You're looking at someone and thinking,
I don't think this is about the cheese.
That's the state of our society at the moment.
In our relationships, in our society,
there's an anger problem.
But then, is it a problem?
Have you found it's common to hear at the moment
that expressing anger is a good thing?
I'm being authentic.
I'm being real.
I'm wearing my heart on my sleeve.
I'm being myself.
People need to accept me
and acknowledge my feelings,
acknowledge the hurt that's been done to me.
Being authentic and venting your anger
avoids bottling it up
so that it doesn't explode in more destructive ways.
People aren't in the dark about what you're thinking.
You've just laid it bare.
And shouldn't you stand up for yourself
and defend yourself?
Our world is kind of saying at the moment
that anger is good.
As we get into God's word,
we're going to see that God gives us a better way,
a better way to live.
That's what we always find in God's word.
He has a better way
than authentically venting your anger.
One of the main things he says again and again is,
I don't know if you picked it up
as it was being read out,
be slow to anger.
So Proverbs 19.11.
Good sense makes one slow to anger
and it is his glory to overlook an offence.
And again, Proverbs 29.11.
A fool gives full vent to his spirit,
but a wise man quietly holds it back.
Notice in these that the offence is felt,
the offence occurred.
You may well arrive at anger,
but be slow to it.
Good sense, God says,
isn't showcasing your anger right away,
but good sense, you'll be slow to anger.
And that got me thinking, like, why?
Why is that?
Because the times I've tried to be slow to anger,
like I've already said,
it often just comes out in more destructive ways later.
It's not like delaying it makes it go away.
Not all the time.
Maybe if it's a tiny thing, it does.
So why be slow to anger?
I think there's four reasons,
and I hope to step us through it.
There might be more reasons,
but let's go through these four.
I think the first reason we should be slow to anger
and not just authentically blowing our top off
whenever we're angry
is to prevent the relational carnage that anger causes.
So Proverbs 29, 22.
A man, a person of wrath,
stirs up strife,
and one given to anger causes much transgression.
So the feeling of anger isn't wrong,
but letting your anger take control of you
to then lead to wrong choices
that do damage to relationships,
that's the problem.
Someone described anger,
someone I read this week,
described anger as a gateway drug
to many other sins.
Just spend a moment and reflect
on words and actions that you regret.
What words do you regret recently?
Or maybe in the past, I don't know.
How many of those were prompted by your anger?
That harsh word,
the emotional payback,
making that person feel scared,
making that person feel small,
making them feel unwanted,
retaliating, hurt for hurt,
like a tennis match.
What's the cost?
It's not easy to take words back, is it?
Do you notice the trust that takes weeks
and months and years to build
is just torn down so quickly
with those harsh words?
The cost of cooperation,
the cost of,
like that story of the husband and wife,
of being relaxed in each other's presence,
the loss of intimacy.
There's a cost to the honour of God.
There's a big cost.
There's a relational cost.
And that's a pretty good reason
to just pause in our anger
before just letting fly.
And it's not just damaging to other people.
It's actually damaging to ourselves.
So Proverbs 19, 19,
a man of great wrath will pay the penalty.
For if you deliver him,
you will only have to do it again.
I think this is talking about
the natural consequences of my anger,
your anger.
If you're quick to lose your temper,
others will lower their trust in you.
They'll learn to manage you
rather than feel safe with you.
They'll learn to fear you
rather than trust you.
There's a cost to you.
There's consequences.
It may just be in certain situations.
It's like,
don't raise that topic with that person.
Like, you'll get an earful.
Or maybe it's just,
generally,
people will lose respect and trust,
cooperation with you.
So there's a cost.
Relationally,
there's a cost to you.
There's consequences.
So let's be slow to anger
for relationship's sake.
And as Christians,
we should be slow
for God's reputation's sake.
I think a second reason
to be slow to anger
is to work out
whether or not
I should be angry.
Should you be angry?
We think that it's the situation itself
that makes us angry,
but that's not good sense.
You need time to look inside yourself
to see,
why am I angry in this moment?
First, we need to understand
what anger is.
I've found two descriptions helpful.
One is,
anger is a blocked goal,
and I'll give a description of that
in a moment.
So you have a goal,
it's been blocked,
that produces anger.
A second,
which I heard in a talk years ago
and it stuck with me,
is that anger is personal hurt
wrapped in barbed wire.
I just thought it was a good image.
It's like,
you're hurt,
and so you intentionally
wrap that hurt in barbed wire
and kind of throw it back.
That image has stuck with me.
So going back to the blocked goal.
So in a TED Talk,
a psychologist describes anger.
If you're going to visually imagine
what's going on inside you,
it looks a lot like driving on the roads,
which is probably why there's
road rage all the time.
So just imagine,
each person is in their car
and we're driving on the same space,
interacting,
and when you're driving,
you have a goal.
You have a destination
you're trying to get to.
But imagine someone cuts into your lane,
slows down,
and then makes you
miss that green light
and you have to stop
and wait a couple minutes
for the light to go green again.
Your goal has been blocked.
Producing anger.
Well, not necessarily.
Imagine it's a Sunday afternoon.
Yes, you want to get home,
but you've got no deadline.
Would you be angry?
Maybe if you felt like your rights
have been impinged or something,
but if you didn't care about that,
you don't have to respond in anger.
What is more important
is what's going on inside your car,
if I can use that expression.
That will be the critical thing
of whether you get angry or not.
Imagine if that person cut in front of you
and you're on the way to a job interview
and you're already running late,
you're financially under pressure,
you need this job,
you need it to look after your family,
your reputation is going to be impacted
because you're going to be even later
to the job interview,
then that person cutting in,
oh, it is unforgivable.
It's punishable.
Do you see the difference?
It's the same external situation
and yet what's happening inside your car
makes all the difference
about whether you get angry or not.
Going back to that article Beau shared,
someone described the increasing anger in society.
I think they were on the money
when they said it like this.
That waiter at the restaurant,
that flight attendant,
they become a stand-in
for everything coming between
what we experience
and what we think we're entitled to.
They're blocking our goal
of what we're entitled to, in other words.
And so they just cop it.
If you just authentically fly off the handle,
you haven't taken the time
to work out what's causing your anger.
More often than not,
I find it's what's inside my car,
inside my heart,
my thinking,
that's causing the anger,
not the external circumstances.
So we need to be slow to anger
to work out what goal is being blocked.
Is it my goal
or is it the Lord's goal?
So,
is it my reputation
and expectations,
entitlements,
that's being blocked?
Let me give a personal example for this one.
There's always a danger in personal examples.
I don't want to make it about myself,
but I think it will illustrate it.
And hopefully you can think about
what you're feeling at the moment.
I've used this illustration
way too much recently,
but I'll use it again.
Samuel's sleep.
I've been quick to anger recently.
I told Emma what the topic was this week
and she laughed,
just knowing the irony of it
and God's grace in it as well.
I've been quick to anger.
Sam is still not sleeping well.
We've tried a whole bunch of things.
But,
now you think,
the goal is clear,
I want a good night's rest.
It's happening to me.
I'm not the cause of it.
It's happening to me.
But does that mean I have to get angry?
Do I have a choice?
Looking inside the car,
I need to understand
my deeper goal.
Why do I think
I'm entitled
to a good night's sleep?
I've been reflecting on it
and let me just
share what I think my goal is
at the moment.
I think it's something like this.
I want to be competent
in my responsibilities as a man
and I want to be seen
to be competent
and I need sleep to do that.
I think it's something like that
going on for me at the moment.
And Sam is blocking that goal.
But it's not him causing the anger.
It's that goal which is wrong
that's causing the anger.
Or that thinking I'm entitled to sleep
or that God demands
that I need sleep to achieve that.
So I think James 4.
I don't think I'm making this up.
I think it's in James 4, 1-4.
What causes quarrels
and what causes fights among you?
Is it not this?
That your passions are at war within you.
You desire and do not have
so you murder.
You covet and cannot obtain
so you fight and quarrel.
You do not have
because you do not ask.
You do not receive
because you ask wrongly
to spend it on your own passions.
So when we feel anger
we want to rush in
and presume the offender is guilty
and deserves punishment.
But wisdom tells us to pause
and check your own heart.
Check what's in the car.
What's under the hood.
Check for the idols in our heart.
The good things you believe
you are entitled to
and must have.
So what have you been angry about lately?
You might want to write it down
if you're taking notes.
What have you been angry about lately?
Check what's under the hood.
What goal is there?
The deeper goal.
What goal is there?
What is it about your sense of person,
your reputation
that you feel is being threatened?
What do you think you're entitled to?
Let's be slow to anger
and examine ourselves.
And if you find like me
that more often than not
there's some idol lurking there,
confess it to God.
Confess it to the person
you've been angry to
and tweak your goal.
Maybe the goal is okay
but it's just out of order.
It's not in its proper order.
So what if you find,
after examining,
what if you find that your goal
isn't your own making?
What if it is primarily
the Lord's reputation
that has been damaged
and you're angry about that?
What if it's his expectations,
what he is entitled to
that has been crossed?
Well, I think talking like this
helps us affirm
that there is good things
to be angry about.
But let's hear Proverbs 20, 22
for advice from the Lord
of what to do in that situation.
Do not say,
I will repay evil.
Wait for the Lord
and he will deliver you.
So there is such a thing as evil.
I think we call it
in Christian circles
righteous anger.
Now I want to pause at that point
and go,
if by righteous anger
you mean that you believe
something is wrong
in its own right
and therefore you are entitled
to be angry,
I can't see anything Christian
about that definition
of righteous anger.
Everyone thinks that way.
If you think it's wrong
and therefore you're entitled
to be angry.
I don't think that's a good
enough definition.
If you mean by righteous anger
that what is being done
is against God's will
and his name
and reputation
is being injured,
his purposes
are being blocked,
of course the Lord
is sovereign over those
but if that's what you mean
then okay,
there is such a thing
as righteous anger.
Jesus was angry.
You read the Gospels
and there was times
where he was angry
but he was angry
because
the glory
belonging to God
was not being given
to God.
I suspect
we don't feel
this kind of anger
nearly enough.
I could be wrong
about that
but I suspect
that's our problem.
Maybe we should be
more angry.
I think
for righteous anger
we're on safer grounds
when we're feeling it
on behalf of others
and especially those
who are vulnerable.
people.
The other thing
this proverb
teaches us
is that he promises
to deliver us
in the end.
To take the matter
into our own hands
to get justice
right now
is to take
the moral high ground
that only the Lord
is entitled to.
So have you ever said
or thought
about a person
I would never do
what they did?
That's taking
the moral high ground.
Only the Lord
knows precisely
what someone deserves.
Only he can see
people's heart
perfectly.
And only the Lord
is completely holy
and can say
I would never do
what they did.
I think we should
care deeply
about evil.
Don't get me wrong.
We should care
deeply about evil
when God's reputation
is at stake.
But vengeance
isn't ours.
It belongs to him.
He's the judge
and he calls us
to love our enemies
and wait
for his deliverance.
So either way
when we look
in our own car
under our own hood
and see what goal
is being blocked
either way
if it's the idols
of our heart
or if it's
the Lord's name
and his expectations
being blocked
either way
the remedy
I think is the same
and that's what we find
in James chapter 1.
I don't think
the remedy
is Buddhist
meditation
trying to remove
all desire
nor is it
taking God's place
as judge
of right and wrong
and quickly showing
how authentically
foolish you are.
We find the solution
in James chapter 1
that we are given
the resources
if we belong
to the Lord Jesus Christ.
The resources
to deal with our anger
isn't out there.
We don't have to say
it's implanted
in us
that we're going
to find.
So James chapter 1
Know this
my beloved
brothers
and sisters.
I just want
to pause there
because
at first reading
of this
I skipped over it
but there's a very
important word there
beloved.
We are beloved
by the Lord
if you are in
the Lord Jesus Christ.
Put that alongside
what God is about
to say.
Let every person
be quick to hear
slow to speak
slow to anger
for the anger
of man does not
produce the
righteousness of God
therefore put away
all filthiness
and rampant
out of control
wickedness
the Lord
knows the
unlovely things
in our heart
and he knows
the unlovely things
we do because
of our anger
and yet
he calls us
beloved.
How is that
possible?
We're to put
those ugly things
away and receive
with meekness
with gentleness
humility
the implanted
word which is
able to save
your souls.
I think this is
the word of the
gospel of the
Lord Jesus
the one who
had every right
to be angry
wrathful
at my
self-defending
idolatrous
anger
he chose
to make me
his beloved
and he did it
through costly
love
rather than
punishing
or threatening.
so whether I
find inside
goals of my
own making
idols that
are creating
this anger
it's this
implanted word
that I need
I need the
word of the
gospel
but what
reputation
is greater
than I am
beloved
by the Lord
you will not
find a better
reputation
a better name
for yourself
whether people
acknowledge or not
it doesn't
matter
and what can I
be entitled
to if he is
Lord
I'm not
what can I
be entitled
to if
everything I
have is by
his grace
so if it's
the idols
of your heart
producing the
anger
it's this
implanted word
we need
and if it is
righteous goals
that you're angry
about
he gives us
the example
to follow
he chose
not to attack
the person
but to
attack the
person's sin
through costly
love
so either way
it's the word
of the gospel
that puts our
goals in
order
we don't
have to
defend
ourselves
but we
can choose
to respond
with love
this is at
the very
heart of
the God
we worship
Moses saw
this on
the mountain
when God
passed in
front of him
declaring his
glory
so do you
remember
Exodus 34
the Lord
a God
merciful and
gracious
slow
to anger
this is at
the heart
of the
God
we worship
slow to
anger
and abounding
in steadfast
love and
faithfulness
what Moses
saw being
declared
was embodied
perfectly
by the Lord
Jesus
his son
so 1 Peter 2
is a
lovely
description
of it
when Jesus
when he was
reviled
he did not
revile in
return
when he
suffered
he did
not
threaten
but
continued
entrusting
himself
to him
who judges
justly
he himself
bore our
sins in
his body
on the tree
that we
might die
to sin
and live
for righteousness
by his
wounds
you have
been healed
for you
were straying
like sheep
but have
now returned
the shepherd
and overseer
of your
souls
aren't you
so glad
if you
just
like
all my
sin
I probably
know
like
just the
tip
of the
iceberg
aren't you
so glad
that God
is a God
who is
slow
to anger
so slow
he even
took
my sin
upon himself
to deal
with
the gap
between
our relationship
I'll never
taste a drop
of his
eternal
anger
discipline
yes
but he only
disciplines
those he
loves
we will
never
taste a drop
of his
anger
he is
slow
to anger
if we
don't
worship
this
in our
God
then
you
can't
produce
it
any
other
way
I
don't
think
this
slow
to anger
God
calls us
to bring
glory
to his
reputation
by being
like him
and we
can only
do that
by accepting
that implanted
word of the
gospel
that he
conquered
our sinful
anger
through
his costly
love
so I just
want to finish
with some
proverbs
that give us
some concrete
examples of
how we can
honour the
Lord in
responding
with love
rather than
out of control
anger
firstly we can
love those who
are angry at
us
by not
retaliating
but
responding
with calm
and gentle
words
so Don
helped us
and the
children
understand
this one
15
one
a soft
answer
turns away
wrath
but a
harsh word
stirs up
anger
just because
someone is
engaging
with hostility
even if it's
passive aggressive
hostility
we don't have
to respond
in kind
if we are
trusting that
we are safe
in Christ
we don't have
to respond
like that
I think the
second advice
that proverbs
gives us
guidance
is that
we are called
not just to
control our
anger
or to express
our anger
in constructive
ways but to
positively love
the person
in return
so
proverbs
10
12
hatred
stirs up
strife
but love
covers all
offences
now that
word covers
it's not
saying covers
up
it's not
just cover
up anything
anyone's done
wrong
I think it's
the opposite
of stripping
them
isn't that
what anger
tries to do
anger
wrapped in
barbed wire
you're trying
to strip
that person
of
I don't
know
of their
reputation
of
what they
want
but love
covers up
it serves
it sees
them in the
best possible
light
it serves
their interests
their real
interests
not necessarily
their immediate
interests
it seeks
their good
love covers
up offences
and it
doesn't take
much for
one soft
word
one act
of love
to just
turn
a relationship
have you
found that
you're in
an argument
and it
doesn't
take much
the Lord
calls us
to be
the one
to initiate
that
and then
Proverbs
25
21 to
22
if your
enemy
is hungry
give him
bread
to eat
if he's
thirsty
give him
water
to drink
for you
will heap
burning
coals
on his
head
and the
Lord
will reward
you
sounds like
the goal
is to
inflict
pain
but
I don't
think so
it's not
going
I'm better
than you
by serving
you
it's going
I'm not
going to
engage
the way
you are
in this
hostility
I'm going
to serve
you
and do
you know
what that
does to
the person
it doesn't
annoy you
when you
just want
to be mean
to someone
but they
keep being
nice to
you
it convicts
you
doesn't
it
I think
that's
what it's
talking about
the answer
to the
destructiveness
of anger
is to
serve
and that
actually
will help
that person
be convicted
before the
Lord
so
I just
want to
finish up
by saying
do you
know
what I
think
is way
better
than
authentically
just
blowing
your top
off
anger
like
that's
what our
world
says
to do
with
anger
do you
know
what's
better
than
that
I
think
what's
better
is
that
we
can
authentically
display
the
character
of
our
slow
to
anger
God
by
trusting
Jesus
costly
love
for
us
you
can
just
authentically
blow
your top
off
or you
can
authentically
display
the
God
who
is
slow
to
anger
and
and that
will
please
him
that
will
help
the
people
you're
engaging
with
may
God
help
us
with
that
let me
pray
and ask
for that
help
let's pray
Lord
cause
us
to
worship
you
because
you
are
slow
to
anger
your
patience
I
think
it's
underrated
your
patience
with us
is
incredible
that you
convict us
of our
sin
that you
don't
wipe us
out
immediately
even though
you alone
are entitled
to
that you
even
took
the thing
that offended
you
you wore
it yourself
you took
it yourself
so that
we could
know that
we are
beloved by
you
it is
incredible
slowness
to anger
forgive us
for when we
think that
you fly
off the
handle
you were
not like
that
please
change
our
image
of you
if we're
thinking
that
and Lord
help us
to relate
in the
church
in our
families
at work
places
friendships
Lord
please help
us to
honour you
by being
slow
to anger
help us
to see
the idols
of our
heart
and confess
it
and help
us to
worship you
in Jesus
name I
pray
Amen