Good morning, everybody. Good morning. My name is Chris, and I'm a teaching pastor here at
Watermark. If this is your first time here, if it's your hundredth time here, we're just really
excited for you to be here. I know some of you I can see coming back from vacation. Some people
are still on vacation, but it's just really exciting to be here. It's sunny. We've got a
community lunch afterwards, and it's just great to be in God's presence together. I don't know about
you, but every single one of us walked in here this morning carrying a weapon. It's a weapon of such
power that it can have explosive impact more than a nuclear bomb in the hands of King Jong-un.
tongue. It's a weapon which changes things. I'm talking about the tongue, if you weren't aware.
You see, people estimate that you and I will speak between 120 and 850 million words in our lives.
That's enough to fill the pages of between 150 and 1,085 Bibles just with your words.
And if you included texts, you included Facebook messages, emails, you and I speak a lot, right?
And our culture knows that words have power. You know, the CEO, the former CEO of Google,
Eric Schmidt said about Steve Jobs, he said, he could persuade me of things I didn't even believe in.
That's what he said, because we know words have power. And if you think about it, every single
major movement that has ever happened in the whole of history has always been launched with words.
Whether it's the Nazis in Germany, whether it's the civil rights movement in the States, whether it's
the Communist Party in China, every movement, words have launched it because words shape the world.
And we're looking at the book of Proverbs. We've been going through it over the summer.
And this is just a very challenging what Proverbs tells us about the tongue.
Proverbs 18, 21 says this,
Death and life are in the power of the tongue. Did you get that? Death and life are in the power of the tongue.
And you may think that's a little bit exaggerated, but I don't know if you've watched the news and seen
the number of kids who've committed suicide because of the words of others. You know, just two weeks ago
in the States, there was that girl, 18-year-old, got sentenced for encouraging a kid to commit suicide,
her boyfriend, because words truly do have the power of life and death.
And you know, we say things like, sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me,
which is a complete lie, right? We know that's a lie.
Like, we have words right from very young which still shape our lives even to this day,
words that have been spoken to us. You know, when I was young, I was a fairly confident,
non-self-conscious kid. And then one day in one of the class, one kid in my class said something like this.
He said, do you get good TV reception with ears that big?
And do you know what I did? The first thing I did was I went into the mirror and looked.
It was kind of like, they're not that big. But the words had begun to eat themselves down into my heart.
And so even today, and I only realized this as I was preparing this, when I go to get a short haircut,
those words are still in the back of my mind, even to this day, because words have power.
And I suspect most of us in this room have words from our past which equally shape us.
You know, much of our workaholism, much of our dieting, much of the amount of time we spend in the bathroom
is all shaped by words people have said to us.
And we often don't even realize it.
And you know, sometimes it's not just the words that are said,
it's also the absence of words that can affect us.
Because you know, some of you, you desperately wanted your father and mother to comfort you when you were young,
but they stayed silent.
Words have power in our lives.
And the Bible story that we keep talking about is a story about words.
You know, when God creates the world, what does he do?
He speaks.
He says, light, and there's light.
He says, there's trees, and there's trees.
He says, chickens, and there's chickens.
Because when God speaks, his words create reality.
And words fuel change because we are image bearers of a God whose words create reality and change life.
You know, I don't know if you've noticed when a one-year-old, or kind of around that age,
suddenly starts kind of gurgling some sounds out, you know,
you know, you know.
And the parents, really interesting, parents all suddenly very excited, crowd round,
thinking, is that his first words?
What did he say?
I think it was garam masala.
Or like someone else would be like, geometry.
I don't know what it was, but we get so excited that someone's going to be saying their first words.
Why?
Because words are what helps us enter into relationship with people.
We're longing for a deepened relationship with our child.
And now we're thinking, now we can communicate.
Because words are about relationships.
And when God speaks to us, it's grace that he speaks.
He could stay silent, but he doesn't.
Because he longs for life-giving, refreshing relationship with us.
That's what his words are about.
If you go through the Bible story, you see it.
To Abraham, God speaks promises of blessing.
To Moses, he speaks words of instruction.
To David, he speaks promises of hope.
To Israel, he warns them of danger.
To the demons, he speaks and they go.
To sickness, Jesus speaks and they're healed.
To the shamed, he speaks and they're forgiven and they're cleansed.
And when people were leaving Jesus because his words were getting too intense for them,
he turns to his disciples and he says, hey, do you guys want to go as well?
And do you know what they say?
They say, where else are we going to go, Jesus?
You have the words of eternal life.
It's all about words in the Bible story.
But if you remember back in Genesis 3,
there's a serpent.
Satan.
Shatan in Hebrew.
What's the first thing that Satan does?
What does he do?
First thing?
He speaks.
What does he say?
He says, did God really say that?
And everything that Satan does in the Bible is to undermine God's word.
Everything is to undermine the relationship with God and with each other.
That's what he's doing all the way through.
Jesus says it like this.
He comes to steal, kill, and destroy.
And he does it through words.
He does it through words.
You know, the word Satan in the Bible, do you know what it means?
It means the accuser.
And in Greek, the word devil, which is diabolos, means the slanderer.
And Jesus himself says when talking about the devil, he says, you know,
lying is his second nature because he's the father of lies.
You see, right in the Bible story, right at the heart of it, is a war of words.
And Proverbs states the war like this.
He says, your words can be life or death.
They can be healing or hurting.
They can be blessing or cursing.
They can build up people or they can tear people down.
You choose.
So we're going to look at this challenging topic today as we continue our series.
And we're going to examine the fruit of words.
We're going to look at the heart of words and the healing of words and the healing through our words.
Okay?
Fruit, heart, healing, and then using our words to heal others.
Okay?
You with me so far?
Good.
If you have your bulletin, have your bulletin open.
There's a lot of passages there.
We're not going to look at all of them.
But I want to kind of pick out a few just so you get a flavor of what Proverbs is really telling us about the tongue and about words.
Okay?
Proverbs 18, verse 20.
It's on the other side of your sheet.
It says,
What he's saying is,
Your mouth is always producing something.
Okay?
It's never neutral.
Your mouth is producing either the fruit of life or the fruit of death.
It's like a, if you take a picture, it's like a mango tree.
Okay?
Mangoes are continually coming out of your mouth if you take the image.
Okay?
Maybe that's a little strange for you.
But bear with me.
Bear with me.
But if you're continually offering rotten mangoes to somebody else, he's saying,
Don't expect to get fresh ones back.
Because the word satisfied doesn't actually mean fully satisfied.
It means you're going to get back the harvest that you sowed.
The yield that you sowed.
And that's going to be shaped by what you say.
And so he says,
If you want to be refreshed in your relationships,
then give refreshment to others with your words.
If you want conflict, it's easy.
Just speak words of anger and you'll soon get the fruit of it.
That's what he's saying.
And if you think about it,
I don't know if you're in relationships that you're part of,
but there's often this kind of crazy cycle that occurs.
You know, you come home from work.
You've had a long day.
You've skipped lunch.
You're starving at the end of the day.
If you've got a helper, your helper's away.
And you know that your spouse has been back home at least two hours before you.
And all you want to do is just put your feet up,
just have something to eat,
just settle back for the night.
And you walk in the front door and you smell nothing.
Anyone been there?
And you go up to your spouse.
There's literally nothing ready.
And your spouse says to you,
Sorry, food's not ready because I was just doing some online shopping.
At that moment is a life and death moment.
Right?
It's a harvest moment.
So what would I say?
You know, why isn't the food ready?
What have you been doing for the last two hours?
And the reply of love and grace comes,
What am I, your slave?
And they say,
Don't you know how hard I've been working for this family all these years?
And what's beginning to go on there?
What am I offering?
Life?
I'm offering rotten mangoes.
And what am I getting back?
I'm getting back.
Death.
In my life.
And what's happening in that relationship is,
if we're not careful,
the spiral of death can keep going.
And you know, in marriage counseling,
what you realize is,
marriages don't break down from just one poor decision.
It's a thousand little moments of death
that take place in our lives,
and are never checked.
A thousand little,
Why are you always late?
Do I have to do everything?
That person's spouse can do it so much better than you.
Right?
Death, death, death, death, death.
And you know,
when I'm on my good moments,
I hold my tongue.
But inside,
those same words are kind of internally
spewing through my mind.
And so,
I sullenly withdraw.
My body language speaks,
even if my words don't.
Proverbs 12, 18 says this,
There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts,
but the tongue of the wise brings healing.
Wow, this is a challenging verse, I tell you.
The word rash means impulsive.
It means allowing your emotions to steer your tongue
rather than thinking before you speak.
That's what it means.
And what he's saying is,
when your emotions are the steering wheel of your tongue,
your words are like a sword
which pierces into people
and wounds them.
Anyone convicted by that?
You know, you go into your kid's bedroom,
they have a test tomorrow.
What are they doing?
Computer games,
texting friends,
no revision.
Your blood is beginning to boil
because you've told them 15 times to do it.
It's a life and death moment.
And you see,
if you seek to bring correction when you're angry,
instead of waiting until you've calmed down
to deal with it,
what happens?
We let fly.
And when we let fly,
the fruit we pick
is either anger
or emotional withdrawal
or even guilt ourselves
because we think afterwards,
why did I say that?
Anyone know what I'm talking about?
Words are powerful
because they bear fruit.
But the fruit of words
comes out of the heart of words.
That's what I want to go to next.
The heart of words.
Proverbs 16, 23 and 24.
The first verse says this.
The heart of the wise
makes his speech judicious
and adds persuasiveness to his lips.
Okay?
The heart of the wise
makes his speech judicious
and adds persuasiveness to his lips.
You know when the Bible talks about the heart,
it's not talking about
kind of Hollywood,
just emotions.
It's actually saying
in the Old Testament,
your heart is really
the inner command center
of your life.
It's where you're thinking,
you're feeling,
your decisions
actually are made.
And so,
the paradigm is
you have a physical body
and you have a heart.
And your heart
is like the steering wheel
which guides your body.
Okay?
That's the image.
And when it says
the heart of the wise
makes his lips judicious,
the word judicious
means prudent,
having the wisdom
to know
what to say
at the right time
and what not to say.
And he says
wisdom comes out
of your heart.
Because whether the fruit
of life comes out,
whether the fruit of death
comes out,
is shaped by what's going on
in your internal root system
down below.
You know,
Jesus says it like this.
He says in Luke 6,
no good tree bears bad fruit,
nor does a bad tree
bear good fruit.
But the good person
brings good things
out of the good
stored up in his heart.
And the evil person
brings evil things
out of the evil
stored up in his heart.
And here's the thing.
For out of the overflow
of the heart
the mouth speaks.
Out of the overflow
of your heart
the mouth speaks.
I don't know
if you can put up
a little diagram.
Paul Tripp,
who some of you know,
he came here a few years ago.
He's a counselor
in the States.
He has this diagram
to show us
what happens
in our lives.
In our lives
we have the heat of life
which is the situations
we face.
Your kids not doing
the homework,
that sarcastic comment
from your colleague.
Whatever it is,
it's the trigger
for a response.
And what comes out
of your response
can be thorns
or it can be good fruit.
Rotten mangoes
are good mangoes.
fruit comes out
ultimately from the root
of what is at the bottom
of those trees.
And we reap
the consequences
of what flows in
and out of our roots
into our words.
You know,
he tells a story
of when he went
to an extended family reunion.
And when he was there,
his uncle
had got incredibly drunk
and was kind of
coming out
with all kinds
of very sexually
explicit language.
And his mom
grabs him
and his brother
and rushes them
to the car,
sits them in back,
and just before
he's about to drive off,
she says to them
this thing
that they never forgot.
He says,
I want to say
something to you
and I want you
never to forget it.
There's nothing
that comes out
of the mouth
of a drunk
that wasn't there
in the first place.
There's nothing
that comes out
of the mouth
of a drunk
that wasn't there
in the first place.
That's what Jesus
is saying.
You see,
it wasn't alcohol
that made him
say those things.
Alcohol just
loosened his lips.
And with his lips
loosened,
out came his heart.
You see,
your word problems
are heart problems.
I remember
a little while ago
with Fiona and I
had to go to a party.
We were late.
Fiona was sharing
about a real challenge
she was having at work.
It was a really tough situation
and, you know,
I got the point
after a few minutes.
I was caring,
compassionate,
but then she kept talking
and kept sharing.
And I was looking
at my watch
and it's getting later
and later and later.
And I was biting my tongue,
you know,
loving husband.
And I'm thinking,
come on,
we've got to go.
We're going to be late.
And after 20 minutes
had gone past,
finally I'd had enough
and out of my frustration
I said two loving,
deeply compassionate words
in Cantonese.
I said,
which means,
got to go.
And I stood up
and I started walking
towards the door.
You can imagine
the conversation
going to the party
was filled with life
and love
and grace.
It wasn't.
But I realized something.
In my two words,
the two words,
I had expressed
something far more profound
than what I'd actually said
in the words.
What I was saying was,
I was saying,
I'm not interested
in your issues.
I was saying,
me being on time
is more important
than you.
That's what I was saying.
I was saying,
my heart wants
to get my way
and if I can't be the one
who gets in my way,
then I've got to,
I've got to say something.
I've got to do something
to fix the situation
because your problems
are getting in my way
of being on time.
That's what I was saying.
And so,
afterwards,
do you know what?
I apologize
and I say things like,
hey, I'm sorry
I was insensitive.
I'm sorry
I was impatient.
Do you realize
that's not actually
a true apology?
Because what am I apologizing?
I'm apologizing
for the fruit
but I'm not apologizing
for the root
of my heart
because
what I needed
to say was,
hey, I'm sorry
for being the kind
of person
who puts myself
before you.
I'm sorry
for being the kind
of person
who has to have
things his own way.
That's what I needed
to apologize for.
And you know,
if you're angry,
Proverbs tells you,
you read the verses,
it tells you,
hold your tongue.
Learn to count to ten,
do whatever it takes
like to stop yourself
digging yourself
into a grave.
Okay?
Do that.
But realize
just a bit of extra discipline
is only a band-aid
that you're putting
on a temporary band-aid
which isn't dealing
with the real issues
which are going on
in your heart.
Our words
reproduce fruit
and our words
flow from our hearts.
But now let's talk
about the healing
of words.
John Newton,
who many of you
have heard of
the hymn Amazing Grace,
who,
he wrote that hymn,
he was a slave trader,
he said this,
and this is just
really challenging,
he said,
there is perhaps
no one test
or proof
of the reality
of a work of grace
upon the heart
more simple,
clear,
and infallible
than the general tenor
of our language
and conversation.
No more proof
of the reality
of grace
working in your heart
than what comes
out of your mouth.
The 19th century preacher
Charles Spurgeon
said this,
the grace of God
sweetens a man's tongue
and if his religion
does not operate
upon his speech,
surely it isn't
the religion
of the pure
and holy God.
And I thought about that,
that sounds a little extreme,
doesn't it?
And then I read
in the book of James
which says,
if anyone thinks
he's religious
and yet you can't
control your tongue,
your religion
is worthless.
Now do you get
what he's saying?
He's saying,
and he's not saying
this to condemn us,
he's saying this,
he's saying your conversation,
what you talk about,
how you talk about it,
the words and the tone
that you use
are the demonstration
of how much
you've understood
and embraced
the gospel
in your life.
He's saying
if harshness
and criticalness
and complaining
is all that comes out,
that's evidence
that you need
more of the gospel
in your life.
Proverbs 15,
28 says this,
the heart of the righteous
ponders how to answer
but the mouth
of the wicked
pours out evil things.
The heart of the righteous
changes how they respond,
how they use words,
so who are the righteous?
The righteous
are those
who are in a right
relationship with God.
They're the good tree
that Jesus
was talking about.
They're those
who recognize
their utter need
for Jesus
to save them
even from their mouths
and their hearts
and they've heard
Jesus' words of life
in the gospel
and they've put
their trust in him
and they fill
their hearts
with his grace,
with his word,
with his promises
and they trust
ultimately
in God's
final word to us
which is Jesus himself.
And you know,
I don't know where you are.
I don't know where
you are in your
relationship with God.
If you're like,
I don't know
if I'm one of the righteous.
The Bible says,
today is the day
where you've got to
run to Jesus,
run to him
and say,
God,
I don't understand,
maybe I don't even know
whether you're real or not
but please show me
because you've got to
save me
from my words
which may destroy
more people.
But if you know
that as a Christian,
you are one of the righteous,
the righteous want
their speech
patterned after Jesus
and they think
about him.
You know,
so if you look through
how Jesus uses his words,
it's extraordinary.
You know,
when Peter,
Peter says
to Jesus,
you're the Messiah
and Jesus says to him,
he affirms him,
he says,
blessed are you,
Peter,
because God,
my Father,
revealed this to you.
A moment later,
Peter's trying to run
his own world,
his way
and then he says,
and Jesus says to him,
he rebukes him,
he says,
get behind me,
Satan.
He's not afraid
to correct.
Then in the Garden
of Gethsemane,
the moment of absolute
loneliness
and suffering
for Jesus,
Jesus asks his disciples,
hey,
would you pray with me?
Would you be with me?
Would you support me
during this time?
And he goes off
and prays
and he comes back
and what happens?
They're all falling asleep.
And so Jesus
at that moment
comes to them
and comes to Peter
and says to him,
what kind of a friend
are you?
How do you treat me
when I need you the most?
Is that what he says?
No.
It's extraordinary.
He says,
Peter,
I know you mean well.
You're just weak.
The spirit is willing
but the flesh is weak.
And he just shows him grace.
And then he gets to the cross
and he's nailed there
and he's spat upon
and he's mocked
with words of hatred
and contempt
and accusation
and the sword thrusts
of people's words
are piercing
just as your words
and my words
pierce others
and pierce his heart too.
And he says
those incredible words.
He says,
Father,
forgive them
for they don't know
what they're doing.
I've wondered
for a long time.
What on earth
he means by that statement.
Have you thought about it?
They don't know
what they're doing.
Of course they know
what they're doing.
They're killing him.
They're mocking him.
That's not an accident.
Why does Jesus say that?
Well,
because when the rotten fruit
is being thrown at him,
how does he respond?
But he responds
with a beautiful fruit
of forgiveness
and grace
and kindness
and love
because,
and here's the thing,
because his heart
is so deeply entrenched
in the Father's love
for him.
You know,
the words
that his Father
speaks over him.
You see how the relationship
within the Trinity works?
At the baptism of Jesus,
do you know what
the Father says to him?
He says,
You are my son
whom I love.
With you
I am well pleased.
That's the words
Jesus soaks in.
He's got deep affirmation
from the Father's love
so when words
pierce him,
he's not responding
with revenge
but he's responding
with grace.
That's the key
to our heart change.
That you know
the love of God
and his words
in your life.
that's what will
sweeten your tongue.
And I don't know,
some of us may feel
like we've blown it
with our words.
Not just once
but many, many times.
And you wonder
whether you can actually
ever change really.
Because you see
the carnage
of your words
and you feel like
you've lost the battle.
But there's an amazing thing
the Bible says
it's the devil
who's the accuser
and the condemner.
It's not Jesus.
And what God
wants to do
in your heart
and in my heart
is to work
a process
of deep
heart level
repentance.
That you may have
to do again
and again
and again.
But as you do that,
as you soak
in the gospel
of Jesus' love
for you,
He's going to
change you.
He's going to
sweeten your tongue.
He will.
And what repentance
means,
it means owning
our self-centeredness.
Stop blaming
on others.
You know,
I was tired.
If you hadn't
have said that,
I wouldn't have said that.
That is denial.
That's not
heart level repentance.
You know,
many of us,
including myself,
don't often realize
how we sound
to other people.
Have you realized that?
I've realized that.
You know,
my wife just really
helps me with this.
Because sometimes
I think I'm just
being honest
and my wife says,
hey, you know,
that sounds really harsh.
And here's something
I think all of us
need to do.
If you want to
really work
in a deep
heart repentance
in your life,
let me ask you
to do something
which is painful.
Repentance requires
you to hate your sin
and to hate
the consequences.
So ask your spouse,
ask a good friend,
ask even your
older children,
when I speak,
how does it sound
to you?
How do I come across?
And be ready
for whatever comes back.
Without trying
to justify yourself,
without trying
to defend yourself,
because that may be
the most useful
feedback you get
to lead you
to really understanding
how much you need Jesus.
Because
if you go back
to the diagram,
you saw
that when we run
back to the cross,
and we receive
his forgiveness,
the words
he speaks over us
are the words
that God speaks over,
his father spoke over him,
you are my beloved son
or my beloved daughter.
With you
I am well pleased.
Not well pleased
because of your word,
but well pleased
because you're mine.
And I've given you
everything
for you to get back up
and for you to live
a life that pleases me.
The fruit of our words
comes out of our hearts,
but the healing
of our words
comes out
of knowing the gospel,
walking back
in repentance
again and again,
massaging it
into our lives.
Over time,
we will be sweetened
in our tongues.
So let me come on
to our final point.
Because as God works
that work
in your own heart,
what he wants to do
is he wants to use us
and to have words
which actually bring
healing to others.
Proverbs 15
verse 4
says this.
A gentle tongue
is a tree of life.
A gentle tongue
is a tree of life.
And you look through
some of the other passages
you'll say it says
gracious words.
Gracious words
are just like honeycomb.
It says they're sweet
to the soul,
they're health
to the body.
You see this,
your words can be used
in an amazingly
powerful way
to bring healing.
Because when you hear
that word
the tree of life,
where does that come from?
Where does it come from?
Not a trick question.
Tree of life,
where was that?
Garden of Eden,
right?
Garden of Eden.
God put
put the tree
of life there
for us to eat
from it
and to be refreshed
in our relationship
with God
and our relationship
with the others
but we chose
not to eat from it.
If you go all the way
through to the end
of the Bible story,
the very last chapter
of the Bible,
do you know what's there?
Last chapter of the Bible
is the tree of life.
And that tree of life
is bearing fruit
and its leaves
are for the healing
of the nations.
What he's saying is
and Proverbs is saying
if you choose
gentleness and grace
instead of anger,
you can be part
of God's restoring process,
his great restoring work
that he's doing
in this world
and you can be
an instrument of healing
in the lives
of other people.
And you know
it all can begin
with your tongue.
It's amazing.
So I want to get
kind of practical
about a couple of things.
Because as we think about
what does it mean
to have gentle words?
What does it mean
to have gracious words?
There's a couple of areas
where I just want to
kind of briefly talk about.
And actually, Fiona,
if you could bring up
two books that I have there.
We have outside
just a few books
that I,
a couple of books
that I want you to,
sorry, just take those.
Thanks.
A couple of books
that I want to recommend.
If you think,
actually I have an issue
with this.
There's two books.
One is called
A War of Words
and another called
is Practicing Affirmation.
They are excellent books.
I encourage you to get them.
There's only about
three or four copies
so rush out and get them
before someone else does.
But I encourage you
to do that.
But here is what I want to,
as you on go
in this conversation
and thinking about it,
but I'm just going to
briefly mention
a couple of things.
God's grace
and healing words
work through affirmation,
encouraging,
building others up,
and through correction
or rebuke.
You notice in Proverbs
it talks about both,
rebuke and affirmation
and grace.
You see,
affirmation
is binding up,
building up,
healing the wounds.
Correction
is like a surgeon's scalpel
which is taking out
some of the rubbish
so that you can be healed,
but both are needed.
And the goal
of both of these
with our tongues
is to help others
to move towards Jesus,
not to try and just
help people to feel
better about themselves,
not just to try and fix
people with their problems.
So here's something
I want us to think about.
Christ-centered affirmation
focuses more on
internal character
than external performance.
So if you wanted
to build somebody up,
you know,
if the only things
you affirm somebody for
are how nice their hair is
or how well they did
on the grades,
if that's the only thing
you affirm them for,
what's the culture
you're sowing?
You're sowing a culture
that sees performance
and appearance
as the most valuable things.
But
if you sow a culture
which focuses on
Christ-like character
and encourages them that,
then that is going to be
the fruit of what
you're going to be
cultivating.
You see,
when my wife
is gracious to me
when I'm being
a complete idiot,
I often say to her,
thank you for being
so gracious to me.
I see God working in you.
And she does the same to me.
And you know,
what's the kind of culture
that you think
if we have that kind
of affirmation
in our relationships,
what culture
will that reproduce?
over time,
it's more likely
to produce
a Christ-honoring,
life-giving,
refreshing one
where we're pursuing
Christ and His grace
together.
That's not a guaranteed
return, okay?
So be careful.
Don't use affirmation
as a manipulation tool
to get what you want.
That's, you know,
that's called flattery.
You know,
don't you say,
okay, thank you
for I just see
God's servant heart
in you and just the way
you serve me is amazing.
And when's dinner ready?
Don't do that.
Don't go there, okay?
That's what you do
to your boss, right?
Because you want
to get promotion, okay?
That's not what
we're talking about.
But if you affirm
God's grace
in someone's life,
where you see,
and you give God
credit for you,
where you see them serving,
where you see them persevering,
where you see them
doing things
which you think
that is honoring to Christ,
point it out to them.
Point it out to them.
That's not puffing people up,
that's encouraging people
to godliness.
And you know,
the danger of affirmation
is we become flatterers
because it actually
becomes all about ourselves
because we were like
someone to say,
oh, you're lovely,
and then someone to say,
oh, you're lovely,
and we're all kind of
lovely together.
Right?
That is not Christ-centeredness.
Christ-centeredness
also means
that while I affirm,
I'm also willing
to correct.
And some of us,
I notice in our relationships,
people you're closest to,
often you're more willing
to correct them,
right,
than to affirm them.
And people who are maybe
in the church
you don't know quite so well,
you're sometimes more willing
to affirm them
a little bit,
sometimes superficially,
but we're not willing
to correct people
so much graciously
because we struggle with that.
But you know,
in relationships
where we're walking
alongside each other,
the people who have loved me
the most
have been those people
who've been willing
to come to me
when I'm being selfish,
when I'm saying things
which are just not great,
when my tone is wrong,
and they come to me
and say things like,
hey, Chris,
I noticed you said that.
I'm not sure,
like,
I'm sure you've got
a reason for it,
but I'd love to hear,
like,
what was going on there.
They're not coming
to attack me,
they're not coming
to try and get their own way,
to just change me.
What they're trying to do
is they're trying
to listen to me,
but help to point me
towards Christ.
And sometimes that's a risk
because sometimes
they risk me being angry
at them.
But they love me enough
not to condemn me
or judge me,
but to help me
move towards Christ.
I wonder,
do you do that
with other people
in grace and kindness?
Because that's where
healing comes,
through affirmation
and through correction.
But here's one of the things
that I've noticed.
One of the things
about when you get married,
or before you get married,
actually,
is we're often very good
at seeing all the great qualities
in our future spouse.
Okay?
You know,
even the negative ones
you tend to gloss over
a little bit.
You know,
they talk a lot,
but hey,
that's cute.
You know,
they're really laid back
or they're more organized
than me,
but hey,
I like that.
And then you get married.
And then,
after a short while,
you begin to start seeing
the whole
more than the doughnuts.
You begin to see
all that's missing
more than what is actually there.
Right?
You know what I mean?
And the tendency
is to see all the faults
and then to try
and correct everything.
Okay?
And what we don't realize,
is that affirmation
and correction,
whether it's in a marriage,
whether it's in a CIG,
actually works like
a bank account.
Every correction
is a withdrawal.
Every affirmation
is a deposit,
but it's not a one-on-one ratio.
Because,
if I say to my wife,
hey,
I really appreciate you
cooking for me tonight,
but don't cook the chicken
like that ever again.
What have they heard?
What do they hear?
They only heard correction.
Right?
It's not one-on-one.
You see,
what we need to do is,
and sometimes we get
into the habit of saying,
yeah, well,
I said something nice to them
and then we said
something harsh to them
and we think,
yeah, but I said it nice
to you yesterday
and we don't realize
if you haven't got
the ratio right,
you'll get into overdraft
in your relationship.
And they say
that three to ten
affirmations
to every correction
is the right ratio
depending on the health
of your relationship.
How you doing?
And the crazy thing is,
if you get that ratio wrong,
your kids
or your spouse
or your CG members
will very soon
tune out to your correction.
You notice that?
You know,
I had a woman
come up to me
after a sermon
I preached a long time ago.
Not here.
So don't start looking around.
See who this is.
And she said to me,
first thing,
she comes straight up to me
and says,
you know your sermon,
you totally misrepresented
that person there.
And I was like,
oh, thank you.
Thank you for the love.
I appreciate that.
But, you know,
I completely ignored
everything,
like legitimate criticism
that she may have had of me
because I just thought
she was negative.
Now,
for someone
I know is for me
and has a track record
of just encouraging me.
They can tell me
pretty much anything
they like
and I'm more likely
to listen to them
because I know
that they're for me.
That's the culture
we need in our marriages,
in our families,
in our church,
in our communities.
We're not afraid
to correct,
but we do it
out of a culture
of affirmation.
But here's
the final thing
I want to talk us about
because I want us
to think about
how our ratio is doing.
If we really believe
the gospel is powerful,
enough to change
our hearts,
to sweeten our tongues,
to win this war of words,
then we need to be
a community
whose affirmations
and corrections
are fueled
by the gospel.
So often
in Christian community
we talk about
things like accountability
and what that means
is checking
whether you produce
the fruit or not.
And basically,
what do we do?
We do things like,
hey, did you shout
at your kids this week?
And you're like,
yes.
And then you're like,
okay,
have you said sorry?
Yes.
And then it's like,
okay,
let's pray
that you'll be more disciplined
for next week.
And that's it.
That's what we think
accountability is.
That is not gospel accountability.
That's just picking fruit.
That's just doing
fruit level accountability.
But if it goes down
to the root of our hearts,
then what we need
to be doing
is seeing that
Jesus' words
are powerful
to speak right down
to the heart conditions
that we have.
And we need to use
His words
with each other
in community.
We need to rehearse
the cross
with each other daily
so that we're healing
and not wounding.
You see,
Hebrews 3 says,
exhort one another daily
so you'll not be hardened
by sin's deceitfulness.
You know,
when I mess up,
when I fail
in this area
as a broken sinner,
here is something
that I need
to be hearing
for myself.
I need people
to come and speak
these kind of words
into my life.
Chris,
I know you've messed up
but you're God's child,
forgiven
and dearly loved.
You are chosen,
delighted in,
valuable
and accepted
in Jesus.
God is proud
to call you
His son.
Do not look down
or focus on yourself
but look up
into His loving eyes.
Don't hide
in shame
or fear.
Don't let the enemy
accuse you anymore.
You're a warrior
under His command.
Fight with His strength.
You are Chris,
a prince in His army.
You are Chris,
a child of the king.
You are Chris,
a mighty warrior.
Kill those lies.
Rise up in His power.
Rise up
because He goes for you
in victory.
That's what I need
to hear in my heart.
That is where the gospel
is speaking into my life.
And if you and I
are going to be
a community
which is affirming
and correction,
we need to see
the power of the gospel.
Do you see
how much more powerful
that is than saying,
hey,
yeah,
let's pray that you
just hold your tongue
this week.
Seriously,
that's what we need
to be about.
That's the kind of
community Christ
died to be.
That we will know
that we're not going
to justify our words.
We're going to come
in deep level repentance.
That we're going to
gospel each other
regularly
through WhatsApp
in your community group.
And as you do that,
what you'll see
is over time
a culture of refreshment
and of restoration
and of healing
in a world
which is filled
with hurtful words.
So let's,
I just want us
to stop and pray.
I want you to actually,
I believe the Holy Spirit
is actually speaking
to some of you
right now.
And I want you
actually to open up
your hands
to say,
yes,
I'm willing to hear
what you want me to,
you want me to hear
right now.
As you open up
your hands,
I want you to think
about,
how am I doing
with that ratio?
Where is my heart?
Do I need to actually
really repent
rather than just saying
I'm sorry for
fruit level sins?
Do I need to realize
that I've been under
condemnation
and accusation
for a long time?
And I need the gospel
just to be spoken
into my life again.
I want you just
to take this,
this minute
just to actually speak,
engage with Jesus
right now.
Ask for His Spirit
to speak to you.
of the pose.
Another stretch.
Ask for His Spirit
to speak to you.
the child.
I want you to think about,
but
is there one person
who you know that you
have not really affirmed
very much in the gospel?
Maybe you know you've just been filled with correction
towards them.
I want you to think of one person
that this week
you'll maybe write a note to.
You'll maybe send a WhatsApp to.
You'll maybe just verbally say to them.
Whether you'll commit
speaking words of life
to them.
Bring that person to Christ now.
Ask him to give you
just such a knowledge of your grace,
his grace towards you,
that you can extend back to others.
Father, I just...
I realize even in preparing this
that I just
fall far short
of the way that I use my words.
Sometimes I'm too lazy
to affirm people
because
I think they already know.
I said something to them
a few months ago.
I'm too lazy to say to them.
I don't know.
And yet I don't see the power
of your gospel,
the power of life
that you have given me,
stewarded me with my tongue
to be able to bless,
heal,
restore.
Lord,
I pray for us.
Lord, there's some of us
who've been very hurt
by words here.
I pray your healing power
in their lives right now.
I pray that they'd hear
your words of grace to them.
I pray that they'd know
that you are God
who always speaks words
which are called to bring life.
Pray for us who we know
that we have an anger problem.
We know we're critical.
We know we complain.
I pray.
Sweeten our tongues, Lord,
with your word.
Help us to run back to you.
Find forgiveness
and new power to change.
In Jesus' name.
Amen.