our way through a series on biblical counseling for everybody.
And so I'll pray for us, and then we can get moving.
So let's pray together.
Lord, we thank You for this time.
We thank You for the opportunity to gather.
And we pray now that You would help us as we look at Your Word
and try to understand more and more how to be people who come alongside one another
to support one another, encourage one another,
help one another step more and more towards maturity in Christ.
So we ask for that help by the Spirit.
In Jesus' name, Amen.
All right, so there's a handout.
Simon's got handouts at the back if you need one.
All right, so we have been working through,
trying to understand more and more some principles,
some practical tips on how to come alongside one another
as Christian friends, counselors,
people who support one another in the walk of faith.
And so our goal in this series is just to grow into that more and more.
So tonight what we're going to do is begin a case study.
We'll do one case study tonight,
and I'll be teaching in this series two or three more times,
and every time I'm going to do a case study.
So a case study of examining a particular issue,
some of the most common issues I'll pick,
and we'll try to look at how might you help somebody else walk through that issue as a Christian.
So some ways to think about it and look at it,
really just applying some of the things Ryan talked about last time.
All right, so let's get into it.
The case study tonight is going to be dealing with the problem of self-esteem and ego,
which is a universal issue according to Genesis 3.
So let's think about that together.
But first let me just remind you of a couple things we've said already
just to kind of reorient into what we're doing here.
We are dealing with something that's very similar to the issue of evangelism,
and that's that a lot of times in church we get the sense that,
we've had the sense maybe in the past that ministers are the primary ones doing the work of ministry,
evangelism, counseling, meeting people's spiritual needs.
And I've got here printed Ephesians 4, 11 to 12,
and it says here that Jesus gave the apostles, the prophets, the evangelists, the shepherds, and teachers
to equip the saints for the work of ministry.
So here we see very explicit instructions from Paul
that tell us that all the times God gives gifts to people in the church to lead the church,
from the time of the apostles to evangelists to the missionary evangelists like Paul
to the prophets, which is just a preacher really, teachers.
He gives gifts not so that the people with the gifts will do all the ministry,
but so that the people will example the ministry for everybody to do, to equip all the saints.
So if you're a Christian tonight, it's your job, our job together,
to do the work of ministry, to do it all together.
That's what we learn here.
And so Richard Baxter here says, this is his reflection.
This is a 17th century minister.
It was quite famous at the time, English minister.
He says,
Counseling is for resolving our doubts,
helping against our sins,
helping fight our sins,
for direction in our duties,
and for an increase of knowledge of saving grace.
So he's saying that we're all meant to come alongside one of each other for at least those purposes.
And that's a calling that's universal,
that comes across the whole church.
And so we said in week one that there is a gap in our lives.
For all of us, we all feel this gap between who we are right now,
the negative emotions you experience,
the ways that you struggle with pride or a sin pattern that you know in your life right now,
in the person you will one day be in Jesus Christ.
So one day,
every single issue that you struggle with that is sucking away your joy,
will be gone.
One day.
So there's a gap.
When Christ comes to get you,
he will renew you so fully,
that you will be so full of joy,
that you will only have faint memories of the problems you used to face.
Now what counseling is there for,
is to help us in the path of sanctification.
What we're trying to do is to close that gap as much as we can in this life, right?
That's sanctification.
Moving from being called justification to the moment of glorification,
where we will become fully like Jesus.
We want to close that gap as much as we can.
Not simply to make progress,
not simply to check that off our to-do list,
not out of performance,
but because actually you can have joy.
You can have real joy the more you grow.
And so we're trying to help each other grow.
That's really all we're talking about in this series.
And so Hebrews 3.13 gives you a really explicit command about that.
So if we want to ask, where do we get this from in the Bible?
Hebrews 3.13, which is, Hebrews is a sermon, right?
And the preacher says to the church in Hebrews 3,
exhort one another every day as long as it is called today.
In other words, he's saying,
while you have today, exhort one another.
Now, exhort sounds like a negative word,
but it's the Greek word parakaleo.
And the Greek word parakaleo simply means
one who comes alongside somebody else and walks with them.
So the paraclete in the New Testament is who?
The Holy Spirit.
Yeah, so exactly.
We're being told in a way that's similar to the way God comes,
the Spirit ministers to us,
that we are charged to come alongside other people
and minister to them.
And so we're just calling that counseling.
Parakaleo, one another.
Come alongside one another.
That's it.
And so we want to universalize this.
We want everybody in our church to have a dear Christian friend
that they are walking alongside in their life,
that's talking with them about their issues,
that you're able to confess your sins to one another,
you're able to grow together in the same direction.
That's all this really means.
So let's think about this case study.
How can you help somebody?
And, of course, ourselves.
This applies to all of us,
but we're trying to think how we can help other people
with the issue of esteem, self-esteem and ego.
So the first, I've just listed some things to pay attention to here.
There's eight.
The first couple are prerequisites.
First couple things are,
before we deal and help other people in our lives,
we need to be in a path where we are focusing on our own devotional life.
That's really all.
So number one,
we must be actively addressing our own negative emotions
and devotion before God in order to help other people.
So all I mean by that is
not,
are you extremely spiritually mature
and therefore ready to walk alongside somebody else in the Christian life?
That's not the question here at all or the idea here at all.
Instead,
are you limping with the Lord
in a forward-facing direction?
Limping, struggling forward.
That's really the idea.
So do you have a fight in you for a devotional life?
Do you have a fight in you to know yourself enough to say,
these are my idols?
Do you have enough fight right now in your heart to say,
I'm able to look at myself and recognize the hidden sins?
So, and I want that.
That's all we're talking about.
A real life,
not of total victory,
because that's glorification,
but a life where you are intentionally seeking sanctification.
So that's where we've got to be.
That's a prereq for being able to help other people.
So as long as we can sit alongside somebody else
who's walking the path of the Christian life,
but maybe struggling and say,
me too.
This is how I've been fighting that.
This is how I've been dealing with that.
That's really what we're talking about here.
Now secondly,
remember the principles of
parakaleo,
of coming alongside one another.
Number two.
Now I'm not going to go through these
because this is what we did
the first couple meetups for this series.
But I'll just list them.
Number one,
come and meet with Christian friends,
quick to listen,
active listening,
ready to hear.
Number two,
pray for compassion and understanding
prior to meeting with them.
Be very intentional about that.
Number three,
meet them where they are.
So don't be surprised by their lack of growth.
You know,
so if somebody confesses something to you
and you immediately,
it's like,
goodness gracious,
you know,
that doesn't,
they don't want to meet with you anymore.
Okay.
They're,
they feel like they've,
they've been the object of your gaze.
They want somebody who can say,
I want to help.
I want to walk alongside you in this.
Number four,
remember the goal.
The goal is encouragement,
building up.
The goal is to help them take a step.
Your dear friend,
to take a step towards Christ.
Trust,
however that might look.
Number five,
be ready to carry their burden with them.
To say,
you know,
I'll,
I'll stick with you in this as long as it takes,
as long as you want me to.
Number six,
be trustworthy.
It's between you and them.
It's,
it's just you guys.
Only expand that circle if they're,
if they want you to,
if you ask permission.
And then number seven,
remember that all scripture is useful.
So we've got to have some ability.
So this is where the counseling comes in.
This is where the parakaleoing really becomes effective.
It's an ability to take the Bible
and to take God's word
and apply it to people's lives.
So some ability,
not,
not like you've been to seminary,
nothing like that,
not at all,
but simply,
and sometimes you go to seminary
and you,
you walk away
and you're not as good as you were before.
Maybe,
but an ability,
a heartfelt ability to take a text
and to help somebody else feel,
feel the power of that text for them.
So that's,
that's what we mean by case study.
Okay.
So let's talk about the problem
for 15 minutes of esteem and ego.
What is that problem?
So we're listening to a dear friend.
We're looking at our own hearts.
We're recognizing a problem
with what is called self-esteem.
Okay.
Let me try,
let's see if anybody's willing.
What do you,
what do we mean by,
what do you think of?
I should ask,
let me ask it this way.
What do you think of
when I mentioned the problem
of esteem and ego?
Any synonyms,
any just single word answers
or a full sentence,
either way,
but any thoughts?
Pride,
yeah.
So pride or despair.
Yeah.
Pride and despair.
Yeah.
I think that's,
that's insightful.
Come back around to that.
Yep.
You can have low self-esteem
and feel so inferior
that it becomes
an inferiority complex,
which is a reverse type
of pride,
right?
Yeah.
Good.
Yeah.
Really good,
thoughtful answers there.
So all we mean by this
is the problem of esteem.
What is esteem?
Esteem is estimation,
right?
There's a family of words there,
and it means the,
the,
the inward look at yourself
to ask the question,
do I have value?
So when you esteem yourself,
the most basic sense of that word
etymologically is,
am I valuable?
Do I have value?
And you can have high self-esteem,
right?
Which is very obvious,
big,
boastful pride,
right?
So we,
we know somebody,
we know if we're listening
carefully to a friend,
if we're walking
alongside them,
we can usually recognize
pretty obviously
if they struggle
with boasting.
That's a sure sign
of a,
of a high self-esteem issue.
Another sign would be
constantly turning
conversations
back to themselves.
Another sign would be
one-upmanship,
right?
So a constant need
to tell a better story
than the story
you just told.
And we can think
of hundreds of more ways
where high self-esteem,
arrogant self-esteem,
a high regard of self
comes out very clearly
and very explicitly.
And then,
like Jean mentioned,
you can have a very low
view of self.
So,
some,
some folks really struggle
with self-loathing
and self-hatred
and they're asking
the question,
am I worth anything?
Am I valuable?
And so we're always running,
every single person,
so the reason I chose this
is because there's nobody
that's not running
this rat race,
alright?
There's nobody
that's not on this hamster wheel.
It's just where are you
with it?
That's all.
So there's a sense
in which we never graduate
from being
psychological S1s.
It's a psychological S1.
It's where you walk
into every room
and you think,
what does everybody
in this room
think about me?
Right?
That's the psychology
of an S1.
And,
and that's,
that's true of all of us
in a sense.
So that happens at work,
that happens in the local church,
that happens.
And you better believe
that ministers are incredibly prone.
Better believe that,
that they're in the hamster race
and the rat race,
hamster wheel and rat race
every week of,
I'm only as valuable
as the sermon was
last weekend.
Right?
That's something
that has to be mortified
constantly
in a minister's life.
And so we're all living
in this issue
of ego and esteem.
So it's a really common problem.
I'll give you a couple more examples.
If you're a parent at all,
or if you've worked
with kids and teens,
you see it.
Kids and teens wear this
much more outwardly
and explicitly.
But,
the need to perform
is a need that we never graduate from.
And so,
all of us could probably
tell stories
of our own personal struggles
with this in the workplace,
in the university,
in family.
It happens all the time
in family.
Even people vying for love
between parents
or spouse or sibling.
So we're always running this.
Okay, let me ask you.
Where might you take somebody
to help them deal with this?
Number four says here,
talk briefly maybe
about your own struggles
in ego
and low self-esteem
or high self-esteem,
but then let me jump
to number five.
This is where counseling
starts to really happen.
And that's when you can
effectively,
meaningfully,
sincerely
use what God says
to help somebody's life,
to help their heart
and soul.
Alright, so,
let me ask a question again.
Any passages,
any stories,
anything that comes
to your mind,
okay if not,
but I think there's
more than one answer
to this,
to dealing with the problem
of self-esteem
and pride,
low self-esteem,
high self-esteem,
really there's
the same types
of solutions
that we need?
Yeah.
Yeah, so,
you know,
you can think of
the steadfast love
of the Lord
in some of the Psalms.
He is my refuge,
my strength,
my ever-present shield,
Psalm 3,
a shield all around me,
no matter what
anybody thinks about me.
Yeah.
So,
we walk in every room
and we think,
at the bottom of our souls,
what does everybody
in this room
think about me?
What other passages
might help us
deal with that?
Yeah.
Yeah,
that's good.
Yeah,
Christ's recovery
of Peter's heart
after such shame.
Peter went back
to fishing,
right,
because that was
his original day job
before Jesus
has called him
because he thought,
I'm out,
I'm out.
You know,
I denied Christ,
I'm on the outside
looking in,
he will never love me again
and yet he comes to him
and says,
get out of the boat,
come to the shore,
let's have breakfast together,
right,
that's good.
That's a nice narratival
story of what Christ
has done
that could be used.
Let me point you
to one tonight
that I think
is really helpful
and I've used this
in prayer quite often.
I've used this
on my heart.
This has been a passage
that I've come back
to constantly
to deal with
the issues of ego
and it is
in 1 Corinthians 4.
So,
if you were to read
the full section,
you would go
from probably
1 Corinthians
midway through
chapter 3
through chapter 4
with somebody
but let me just
point you to
1 Corinthians 4
and I'll just read
a couple verses
for us
just from
verse 2
for a few
verses.
Paul says,
moreover,
it's required
of stewards
that they be found
faithful.
He's talking about
pastors,
ministers there.
But with me,
it is a very small thing.
It's a very small thing.
I've learned,
he's telling us,
to make this a small thing
in my life.
That I should be judged
by you
or by any
human court.
In fact,
I do not even judge myself.
I'm not currently aware
of anything against myself
but I am not thereby
acquitted.
It is the Lord
who judges me.
Okay,
in this passage,
Paul is
dealing with an issue
in the Corinthian church
that he had planted
where
Apollos
and Peter
had come through later
and everybody's been
saying in Corinth,
Peter's better than Paul,
Apollos is better
than Peter
and Paul.
Apollos was such
a better preacher
than Paul ever was
and
then they're saying,
then others are saying,
Apollos discipled me
so I rank
before you
because Paul,
you know,
wasn't as good
of a public speaker
as Apollos was
and so there's all
these sorts of issues
going on like that.
So everybody's playing
the comparison game.
Everybody is
and Paul is writing
to deal with that problem
and Paul,
like he does
in other places,
is saying,
I have learned
in my time
with the Lord,
my devotional life,
a secret,
a secret of contentment
and the secret
of contentment
is this,
I do not care
what you say
about me
and I don't care
and then he shocks
because you see
that's exactly
what the modern world
says as well.
So a person
might be getting
counsel
to struggle,
they're struggling
so much with feeling
that they have no value
because they're worried
about what everybody
else is saying
about them
and they're asking
why is this,
why don't I have
a relationship
that I want,
why don't I have
the job success
and career that I want,
why don't I have
this or that,
right,
everybody's asking
questions like that,
we all are
and Paul comes
and says
what modern
counselors will say,
you don't need
to care about
other people's opinions
but then the modern
counselor often
will turn and say
all you need
to care about
is what?
your own opinion
of yourself,
you need to look
inside and you need
to think,
look,
I'm happy with who
I am,
I've got the resources
within me
to find contentment
and that's the shock
of this passage
for a modern reader
is Paul comes
and says,
I don't even care
what I think
about me
so I do not
trust my opinion
of myself,
right,
and it's real key
to contentment
and joy in your life
to not trust your opinion
about yourself
and he's saying
I don't trust my opinion,
I don't trust your opinion
Corinthian church
and I don't trust
the opinion I have
about me
and he uses the language
of judge,
why?
Because he's taking it
into the courtroom
and he's saying
you have stuck me
in the dock
and you've put yourself
on the bench
and said Paul
was not as good
of a speaker
as Apollos
and Paul,
you know,
therefore Paul
just didn't really
leave the legacy
around here
that people came
after him too
and he's saying
I won't sit
underneath that judgment
I won't let my heart
sit underneath that
and I won't let my heart
sit underneath
my own judgments
about myself
and then he gives
a solution
so for the person
that you're walking
alongside
and for all of us
tonight
we need to hear
probably to some degree
every single day
the pronouncement
all that matters
is what God
says about me
he's the only judge
that really matters
he's the only one
that has the right
to look at me
from the bench
and put me in the dock
and if you read
the rest of this passage
what you realize
is what
Paul goes on
to talk about
what God does say
in an implicit way
so what God says
about you
is that
when you look at Christ
you can say
he regards me
as a prince
and a princess
he regards me
as a son
and a daughter
he regards me
as the one
that no matter
what I do
no matter what
he will still
get down on his knee
accept my teary
head into his shoulder
and give me a hug
and bring me home again
he's a tender father
that's what he's saying
okay so what does
a person need
who's either struggling
with deep self-loathing
deep self-loathing
or big arrogant pride
they both need
the same thing
they need to be told
see both
both are pride issues
because both people
are thinking
all I care about
is what everybody
else thinks about me
or all I care about
is what I think about me
and how I feel
both are pride issues
and they can either
lead to total self-hatred
or total self-love
big self-love
right
and competition
it's all competition
and both persons
need to hear the same thing
they need to hear
all that matters
is what the Lord
says about you
and when you hear that
it will really humble
the prideful person
because if they're being honest
what the Lord says about you
is you're a big sinner
in need of a big savior
and you're not great
apart from the redemptive
work of Jesus Christ
and for the self-loathing person
they need to hear
do you know what the Lord
says about you
do you know how much
the Lord loves you
do you know how much
he's promised
he will never let you go
you know that he regards you
as a prince and princess
in his kingdom
that he wants to give you
the inheritance
that he's giving
Jesus Christ himself
right
alright so what
what do you do with that
as a counselor
then you take that
and you try to massage
that into their hearts
not because you're trying
to be manipulative
but because it's true
and number six here
is prescribe
some spiritual exercises
now what do I mean by this
okay just like
you've got to work out
you know if you want to
get stronger
you've got to have
resistance in your life
you've got to exercise
something like that
in the same way
our souls
much more importantly
have to have exercise
physical training
Paul says is of some value
but he's trying to point
to the more important thing
and that's spiritual training
so there does have to be
spiritual training
in our lives
so one of the pieces
that may be missing
in point one
and then here
in our lives
in my life
in your life
right now
is I'm not taking
seriously enough
the discipline
of spiritual exercise
and they need
spiritual exercise too
so what does that look like
it can look like
a number of different things
we could talk about
the normal means of grace
so one of the questions
I want to ask a person
who's really struggling
with their heart
with too much pride
or too low of a view
of the self
is I want to say
are you going to church
do you just
you know
you might struggle
and not want to
but you need to be there
you need to get out of bed
you need to go to church
especially the person
that's self-loathing
I want to just
connect them
and ask
are you in the normal
means of corporate grace
the corporate means of grace
that God's given us
but then I want to turn
and talk about their private lives
and help them
and say
and say it through the lens of
this is what has helped me
this is what
this is how I've thought about this
this is what has really been
helpful to my life
and my heart
and the most important thing
I think
I can say
quickly
is this
they really need
to learn
or be helped
with the idea
of Christian meditation
so what is Christian meditation
Christian meditation
is not vacating
the mind
of content
like in Buddhist meditation
or something like that
not at all
Christian meditation
we see all across the Psalms
and that's the daily
consistent pattern
of talking to yourself
about what God says
so David does this
all the time
in the Psalms
he says
bless the Lord
oh my soul
right
who's he talking to
in that Psalm
he's talking to himself
he's saying
David
you bless the Lord
oh my soul
soul
you've got to
you've got to get yourself
in gear
and start blessing the Lord
praising God
right
he's actually talking to himself
and then he's letting that
roll into prayer
so one of the things
I would really
say to a person
that's struggling
with big pride
or self-loathing
and we've gotten to have
an honest conversation
about that
and I've said
you know
1 Corinthians 4
all that matters
is what God says
I would say
why don't you
every single day
for the next seven days
every morning
read that passage
1 Corinthians 4
1 to 4
and then just sit there
in ten minutes
with your eyes closed
and let it soak over you
this morning
as I go to work
as I go to perform
at my job
as I go to perform
in public spaces
all that matters
is what the Lord
says about me
all that matters
is what the Lord
says about me
look to Christ
let that soak in
over and over
and then
after five or so minutes
of just reflection
on that
let it roll into prayer
Lord work this
into my soul
change me
plead with the Lord
and then
that would be one
there's other
spiritual practices
and exercises
that they could have
and they may need
but for the lack of time
I'll move on
and then from there
what you do
as a dear Christian friend
a good Christian friend
is you make a plan
to meet again
and to address
this issue
in a week
and let's say
let's meet back up
I want to ask you
how that went
I want to ask you
if you feel like
there's been change
I want to ask you
what the condition
of your soul
is seven days from now
in regard to this
you could also ask
questions like
what other passages
could we look at
together next time
say do that for seven days
and then next time
why don't we look
together
at this specific psalm
just read it together
and pray it together
next time
you could ask
from there
what book
could we read
what book of the bible
what book
so in this instance
I would highly recommend
short books are wonderful
for helping people
I would say
I would love to read
Tim Keller's
The Freedom of Self-Forgetfulness
with you
can we do
I'll buy it
I'll bring it to you next time
do this for seven days
let me bring this book
to you next time
and let's walk through it together
and then lastly
we said this
a few weeks back
but make sure that
you never leave
a meeting like this
a meeting
walking with somebody
without praying
so pray for them
encourage them
and then I've just listed
finally at the very end
use calls
and text messages
so the
the unfortunate thing
about the modern world
we live in
is that we can all
be reached all the time
yeah
and
the beautiful thing
is that
it's so quick
and easy
to reach somebody
and so it's
it's a tough call
on that
but
use
text messages
for ministry
use calls
for ministry
it's
you don't
you don't have to be
getting together
as often
maybe
if you're just
checking in
and saying
hey
I just prayed
for you
did you read
1 Corinthians 4
this morning
1 to 4
and meditate on it
I thought about it
I read it
I thought about it
I'm praying it
for you today
get back in
if you haven't done it
get back in
right
so this is
this is using
the tools we have
in modern technology
to really work truth
into somebody's life
okay
let me give you
a challenge
as we close
the challenge
is just
I'm saying this to me
I'm saying this to all of us
when we're talking about this
and doing a series like this
we go back to
Ephesians 4
and we learn
all of us are called
to the ministry
of exhortation
and that's all
we've been describing
is the ministry
of exhortation
parakalea
coming alongside
so wherever you are
right now
the challenge is
we should all
in the light of that
be receiving
Paul's call
God's call
in our lives
right now
to take a next step
in that ministry
so maybe the next step
towards a more meaningful
ministry
of parakalea
coming alongside somebody
is just to say
you know what
tonight I realize
I've got to get
my devotional life
under grips
not because that
saves me
no it does not
but because
I need the Lord
the Spirit
to be dealing
with my heart
in order that I can
help other people
deal with their hearts
so tonight
it may just simply be
that the next step
of being a counselor
is to actually
let the Holy Spirit
be counseling you
in morning devotion
that might be
all that you take away
and so
the issue here
is not
who in the room
has 100% devotional
life every single
day perfectly
nobody does
right
nobody
are you just
simply taking
limping steps
forward
that's all we're
talking about
in growth
in this area
and then
if you feel like
you are in a place
right now
where God is
working in your life
he's dealing
with your emotions
he's helping you
see idols
fighting negative
emotions that are
coming up
and it's a struggle
but at least
you're in the struggle
you're in the fight
then the next step
could be
who has God
very naturally
put in my life
right now
ideally in St. Columbus
but maybe externally
that's great too
to say
could we have
a more meaningful
regular meet up
together
once a month
twice a month
and answer
a few questions
how have you
been
in your
spiritual life
your soul
have you been
meeting with God
in the early mornings
whatever the question
lists need to be
depending on your
circumstances
taking a step
of saying
could we meet
regularly
and talk about this
we all need that
so it goes both ways
when we do things
when we take that step
alright
let's pray
Father
we ask
that you would help us
by the spirit
to desire
more and more
of you
that we would want
more and more of you
in our lives
that we would want
to be with you
Lord
so maybe
Father
that's the prayer
we ask tonight
that you would help us
to want
to be with you
and therefore
to become more
like you
and then to
externalize that
to help other people
be with you
and become more
like you
and so that's really
our request tonight
so I pray that you
would work in our
hearts with the
problem
of esteem
and ego
whether it's
very high
in our lives
right now
very low
bring it
to whatever
it looks like
to be Christ-like
we ask
we pray this
in Jesus name
Amen