Good morning, church.
Would you turn with me to the Old Testament book of Proverbs?
That book begins on page 527 in the Pew Bible.
We're considering the theme of wisdom this summer.
That is the skill of living life well, which is what the book of Proverbs is all about.
And what Proverbs has been showing us is that wisdom is a bit like a diamond.
A diamond has lots of sides, lots of aspects, but when you look into a diamond, you get
to see most of those or all those different sides at once, sort of reflecting and refracting
the light in these brilliant ways.
A diamond is one thing with lots of sides, and as a whole, it makes a thing of beauty.
And what we've been seeing is wisdom is like that.
Wisdom is a life.
Wisdom is an integrated whole, but it has lots of sides and lots of aspects that together
create a thing of beauty.
So each week this summer, we've been taking up a different aspect, a different side of
wisdom.
And today, we come to the theme of friendship.
Look at Proverbs 18.24 with me.
We'll start with just one verse this morning as we dive in.
Proverbs 18.24 says,
A man of many companions comes to ruin, but there is a friend that sticks closer than a
brother.
Now, friendship is something that's notoriously hard to define, isn't it?
Philosophers have kind of wrestled with the nature of friendship for a long time.
Last year, a professor at Princeton named Alexander Nahum has published a book called On Friendship.
It's 300 pages long.
Of course, only a philosopher can take a subject like friendship and write 300 awesome, rich,
thick pages.
That's what you've got to love about philosophy.
And when asked in an interview to define friendship, he said, friendship is difficult to describe.
It's easier to say what friendship is not, he said, and foremost, it's not instrumental.
What he means by that is that friendship isn't some means to some other end.
You don't use the person to get something else.
That's not what friendship is all about.
C.S. Lewis in a chapter on friendship says that friendship arises out of the sea of all
of our sort of mere companions when two people discover that they have some common interest
or insight that others don't share.
In other words, he says the typical expression of opening friendship would be something like,
what?
You too?
I thought I was the only one.
But if friendship is hard to define, it's also perhaps even harder to do.
Often the very tools and technologies that are meant to facilitate relationships and friendships,
things like smartphones and apps like Facebook,
the incredible ease of travel that we live in in the 21st century.
I mean, just think about it.
A trip to New York City to visit a friend takes what today?
Like a couple of hours max, right?
You know, but think about it.
A couple hundred years ago in the 18th century, for instance,
when Jonathan Edwards was leaving his first pastorate,
traveling from New York City back to Hartford,
he was getting all sad and emotional in his journal
because he knew that he'd rarely get the chance to see those people again.
It was like a multiple day trip.
It wasn't something you could just jump on the train and go to in a couple hours.
But very interestingly today,
the very tools that are meant to facilitate friendships for us
actually can have the reverse effect and make them all the more difficult.
We're constantly interrupted by our cell phones.
Our friends on Facebook number in the hundreds.
And we all know, right,
that you can't actually have a meaningful friendship with hundreds of people.
And the ease of travel has created a transience in our culture,
an ease of movement for school or job or just preference
that actually makes maintaining friendships incredibly difficult.
As soon as you make a good friend, they move away.
Or you move away.
And yet here in Proverbs, we're being told that friendship,
as hard as it is to define, as hard as it is to do,
is worth the effort.
Friendship is part of the truly wise life.
So why don't we take a look in the next couple of minutes
at what Proverbs has to say about what a good friend looks like.
What sort of friends ought we to be?
What's the nature of true friendship?
And I think there are at least three points that Proverbs makes here.
Derek Kidner lists some of these in his excellent little commentary on Proverbs.
And I'm following his lead.
The first thing that we see in Proverbs is that a good friend
is constant.
Look again at Proverbs 18, 24.
A man of many companions may come to ruin,
but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.
Now, we've all experienced fair-weather friends, right?
Friends who kind of come and go, depending on your circumstance.
And Proverbs is actually quite honest about that experience, too.
Just listen to some of these verses.
Don't turn there.
From chapter 14.
The poor is disliked by his neighbor,
but the rich has many friends.
And from chapter 19.
Wealth brings many new friends,
but a poor man is deserted by his friend.
Many seek the favor of a generous man,
and everyone is a friend to a man who gives gifts.
But all a poor man's brothers hate him.
How much more do his friends go far from him?
He pursues them with words,
but does not have them.
Such friends,
Proverbs is telling us,
aren't really friends at all.
Rather, as you see there in 1824,
a friend is one who sticks closer than a brother,
not just in good times,
but in bad times as well.
Look just across the page at Proverbs 17, 17.
Proverbs 17, 17.
A friend loves at all times.
A friend loves at all times,
and a brother is born for adversity.
A true friend loves at all times.
They are constant.
Even in seasons of adversity.
Of course,
I think the great biblical example of this
is the friendship between Jonathan and David.
I mean,
think of how easy it would have been
and how tempting it would have been
for Jonathan to drop David as a friend.
We often sort of skim through those narratives
in 1 Samuel,
not realizing what's at stake.
I mean,
think about it.
After all,
not only was David being hunted
by Jonathan's own father,
but David had been anointed
the next king of Israel.
In other words,
David was going to take
Jonathan's place on the throne
when Saul died.
How would you feel about it
if your friend
was going to usurp your place on the throne?
And yet,
Jonathan remains loyal
in his friendship to David.
He stuck by him,
even when it was personally costly,
even when David
was experiencing affliction,
and even when he himself
was actually going to
have something to lose.
True friendship is constant.
But we see here in Proverbs
that a good friend
is not just constant,
a good friend is also candid.
Turn to chapter 27
in the book of Proverbs.
27 verse 9.
27 verse 9 reads,
oil and perfume
make the heart glad.
And the sweetness of a friend
comes from his earnest counsel.
What makes a friendship
truly sweet?
Proverbs is saying
it's actually more
than just common interest.
The sweetness of a friend
comes from his or her
earnest counsel,
from their being honest,
from their being forthright,
from them being candid with you.
In other words,
a friend isn't someone
who's just going to tell you
what you want to hear
all the time.
They'll give you input.
They'll give you advice
that's candid.
What's the alternative to that?
Proverbs 29 5.
Proverbs 29 5 says,
a man who flatters his neighbor
spreads a net for his feet.
A man who flatters his neighbor
spreads a net for his feet.
Now, it's helpful to know,
actually, as an aside,
that the Hebrew word
in Proverbs for neighbor
and for friend,
they're actually translating
the same word.
So, the Hebrew word
actually just means
something like another person
that you're close to.
And of course,
that can mean sort of emotional
or personal closeness.
That's why we translate it
as friend sometimes.
Or it can just mean
spatial closeness,
geographical closeness.
That's why it's your neighbor.
The context kind of helps us know
whether we should think of friend
or think of neighbor.
But sometimes, you know,
it could go either way.
So, in Proverbs 29 5,
it's telling us that flattery
of your neighbor
or even more poignantly
of a friend is setting them up
to walk right into a trap.
So, think about it.
Have your friends,
have your good friends even,
have they ever disagreed with you?
Have they ever given you
earnest counsel?
Or are they afraid
to step on your toes?
And more importantly,
have you been that sort
of friend to others?
Are you willing to put yourself
in the position to be candid?
Even if you know
it might not land
all that well at first.
It's a lot easier
to just flatter one another,
isn't it?
Oftentimes, I think
we define friendship today
as a person
who just always affirms me
and offers zero resistance.
Who are my really good friends?
The persons who are just
always going to affirm me.
The person who says,
look, I just want you
to be happy,
do what you feel is best.
Oh, they're a real friend to me.
But you know,
according to Proverbs,
the sort of friendship,
that sort of friendship,
if that's all it is,
actually isn't friendship at all.
Or at least it's a very,
very thin version of it.
We see this theme a lot
in Proverbs actually.
Proverbs 27.6.
This is maybe a familiar one
to some of us.
Proverbs 27.6.
Faithful are the wounds
of a friend.
Profuse are the kisses
of an enemy.
Or as Oscar Wilde
jokingly put it,
a true friend
stabs you in the front.
A true friend
stabs you in the front.
Not sure exactly
what Oscar Wilde
meant by that actually.
You can go do that
research yourself.
Now, a couple weeks ago,
Matt took us through
the topic of giving
and receiving correction
in Proverbs.
So we're not going to
spend a lot of time
talking about this.
If you want to go
learn more about
that aspect of friendship,
you can look at that sermon
on the website
or on the podcast.
But friends,
just for a second,
would you agree
that you need
those sort of friends?
And do you see
how that's what it means
for you to be a good friend?
That friendship
is something
that's supposed
to sharpen us
and bring us forth
into the kind
of people
that God wants us
to be,
not just allow us
to kind of remain
where we are.
But there's one more thing
that Proverbs points out.
A good friend
isn't just constant,
isn't just candid.
A good friend
is also thoughtful.
Thoughtful.
In other words,
a good friend
is sensitive
to the feelings
and the situation
of the other person.
Proverbs,
on this front,
actually gives a bunch
of examples
of what not to do.
And some are funny,
like Proverbs 27, 14,
which we saw
a few weeks ago.
Whoever blesses
his neighbor
or his friend
with a loud voice
rising early
in the morning
will be counted
as cursing.
Here's how
I would translate that.
Look,
friends don't text
friends before 8 a.m.,
okay?
I haven't had
my cup of coffee yet.
I don't want to see
your emoji cons.
I don't want to see
the gif of a kitty cat
giving a high five
to a baby.
I'm just kidding.
You can text me
before 8 a.m.
That's fine.
Just not before 7 a.m.
That's where I draw the line.
But the point is,
I think that Proverbs
is meant to sort of
make humorously here,
is a good friend
is thoughtful.
They're not just sort of
rampaging through
their different relationships.
They're thoughtful
about the other person.
According to Proverbs 25, 17,
a good friend is thoughtful
about not overstaying
their welcome.
Let your foot seldom
be in your neighbor's
or your friend's house.
Lest he have his fill of you
and hate you.
Know when to give
the other person
some space,
Proverbs says.
Don't always force yourself in.
A good friend
doesn't smother
the other person.
And we all sort of
sense this, right?
There's a certain kind
of freedom
in friendship
that makes it
what it is.
You can't force it.
You've got to let it breathe.
So Proverbs is saying,
a good friend knows
when to give it
some space.
And you also need to know
when something
just isn't funny.
Proverbs 26, 18.
Like a madman
who throws firebrands,
arrows,
and death
is the man
who deceives
his neighbor,
his friend,
and says,
I'm only joking.
Look,
a good friend knows
when the joke
has gone far enough
and you cut it out.
And probably
as a good,
thoughtful friend,
you apologize
for some of the things
you already said.
Have you ever been
in a friendship
where it seems like
the constant tenor
of that friendship
is sort of just
poking fun at each other,
razzing each other,
poking each other?
I'm only joking.
And yet it wears thin.
A good friend knows
when the joke
is played out.
So then a good friend
is thoughtful.
This is an important
balance to the point
about a good friend
being candid,
isn't it?
There are times,
yes,
when you should give
some earnest counsel
or even a faithful wound.
But have you actually
been thoughtful,
careful,
about what the other person
is going through?
Sometimes people
just need someone
to listen to them.
The Apostle Paul
puts it quite beautifully,
I think.
He says,
we need to rejoice
with those who rejoice
and we need to weep
with those who weep.
That's a pretty good picture
of friendship,
I think.
Your joys are my joys.
Your sorrows
are my sorrows.
In other words,
don't think that
real friendship
means clobbering
each other
with the candor stick
all the time.
Correction,
correction,
correction.
Yes,
iron sharpens iron.
We need that.
We need to spur
one another on
to love and good deeds,
but we need to do that
with deep sympathy
for each other's weaknesses.
Just like Jesus,
our great high priest,
sympathizes
with all our weaknesses.
So a good friend
is constant,
is candid,
is thoughtful.
They're with you
through thick and thin.
They're willing
to be honest
when you need it
and they're caring.
They listen to you.
They know you.
They see into your heart.
They welcome you.
That's what wise friendship
looks like.
That's the mark
we're aiming for
in friendships
according to Proverbs.
So I think it might be helpful
to just take a moment
and think about
some of your friendships.
Of course,
it would be easy
for all of us
to start thinking
of all the ways
our friends
have fallen short
of this ideal
toward us.
But instead,
examine your own heart.
What sort of friend
have you and I been?
How do you need
to change and grow?
Is it your constancy?
Is it your candor?
Your thoughtfulness?
How about talking about it
over lunch today?
How about bringing that up
in your lunchtime conversation?
You know,
here's the part of friendship
I think I can actually
get better at.
This is the part
I think I struggle with.
This is the part
I really appreciate.
What do you think?
Think for a moment
about the sort of friend
you've been.
And if you're married,
start with your spouse,
with your wife,
with your husband.
Because after all,
even if marriage
means more than friendship,
it certainly doesn't mean less.
What sort of friendship
are you cultivating
with your spouse?
What have you done
in the last week,
the last two weeks,
the last month
that would genuinely
kindle your friendship?
If you and I had coffee
this afternoon,
how would you answer that?
Would you be able
to answer that?
You know,
there's a funny thing
that happens
when we get married.
Before marriage,
you look at this person
and you think,
they are my best friend.
I couldn't live without them.
And then somewhere around
48 hours after the honeymoon,
couples are like,
man,
I just don't get to spend
any time with my friends anymore.
I don't know what's going on.
Or you ask a married person,
so who are your friends?
And they're like,
well,
I had some friends in college.
You know,
I got married.
So much for that.
How ridiculous, right?
My guess is that
50% or more
of marriage problems
are because we just stop
actively pursuing
real friendship together.
We spend so much time saying,
I've got to love this person.
I've got to love this person
that we forget
to actually like them.
We forget to actually
cultivate a friendship with them.
And Proverbs is showing us
that friendship,
yeah,
takes some work.
Friendship might be something
that sort of starts out,
like Lewis describes,
as something you just sort of
happen upon,
something you stumble into.
What?
You too?
I thought I was the only one.
You know,
but from there,
constancy,
candor,
thoughtfulness,
the marks of real friendship,
those don't just happen naturally.
You need to be intentional.
Husbands,
wives,
you need to keep pursuing
one another as friends.
But of course,
the application of this
is much broader
than the husbands and wives.
We know that all of us,
married or single,
male or female,
introvert or extrovert.
All of us need to be
pursuing friendship.
This is what wise living,
living with the grain
of God's created universe
is all about.
After all,
friends,
think about it.
If God is a trinity,
if the one God
exists eternally
in three persons,
if at the heart
of ultimate reality
is relationship,
the deep,
eternal reality
of love and friendship
within God Himself,
among Father,
Son,
and Holy Spirit,
if that's true
about who God is,
then as human beings
made in God's image,
we too
are made to function
at our best
in friendship.
And of course,
for most of us
at a very practical level,
that's probably going to mean
a shift
of some priorities
to make time for it.
I'm as much guilty
of this
as anybody else.
It's going to mean
a shift
of some priorities,
maybe taking on
one less project
at work
or taking on
one less improvement
project around the house,
spending a little less time
on that hobby
or that pastime
or binging on Netflix
or whatever,
spending a little more time
face-to-face
with those two or three people
you're developing
a real friendship with.
Maybe it means
stepping out of your comfort zone
and initiating
with one or two people,
taking the first step,
taking the second step,
not just waiting around
for it to happen.
Sometimes it means
stepping out of our comfort zone
and initiating
even if we haven't had luck
with that in the past.
And of course,
we know that when the rubber
hits the road,
that's hard.
All of that.
It's hard to say no at work.
It's hard to give up
the time doing
the leisurely thing
you love to do,
reading or hiking
or whatever it is.
But friends,
think about it.
What's the alternative?
What if we don't do
the hard work of friendship?
The alternative is
that we remain stuck
always in the superficial.
Paul Tripp puts it this way
in one of his books.
He says,
we live in interwoven networks
of terminally casual relationships.
relationships.
We live in interwoven networks
of terminally casual relationships.
We live with the delusion
that we know one another,
but we really don't.
We call our easygoing,
self-protective,
and often theologically
platitudinous conversations fellowship,
but they seldom ever reach
the threshold of true fellowship.
Ouch.
And yet,
how often is that true,
friends?
Maybe another way of asking this
is to ask,
who really knows you?
Who's behind the curtain
of your life?
And who do you know well?
But it doesn't have to be this way,
you know.
What if the church
became the place
where friendship
was something we worked hard at?
For a long time,
the church has rightfully
put a huge value
on marriage,
and yet we've let
our thinking
and our acting
in friendship
emaciate.
And yet,
that's not the biblical picture.
Friendship is something
that's deeply valuable
and incredibly important.
What if the church
became the place
where we caught
that biblical vision again,
and friendship
was something
that we gave ourselves to,
that we worked hard at?
No,
you're not going to be friends
with absolutely everyone.
No,
we're never going to do
friendship perfectly,
but what if this was the place
where the epidemic
of loneliness
that's eating us up culturally,
and it is?
What if this was the place
where just our deep-seated
loneliness as a culture
was met
by the force
of something greater?
What if the church
was the place
where friendships
took root,
not on the basis
of some common interest
or on the basis
of some common
workout schedule
or some common place
to do happy hour?
What if the church
was the place
where friendship
took root
in something much deeper,
more powerful,
more lasting,
more satisfying
than all of that?
In other words,
what if the church
was the place
where you could be known
and know others
in and through
the love of God
in a way
that was constant
and candid
and deeply,
richly thoughtful?
In the book of Acts,
Luke gives us
a snapshot
of the early church
at the end
of chapter 2
and he says,
they devoted themselves,
they devoted themselves
to the apostles' teaching
and to the fellowship,
to the breaking of bread
and to prayer.
I don't know about you,
but we skip over
that second phrase
pretty quickly,
don't we?
They devoted themselves
to the fellowship.
Rich relationships
weren't a casual,
secondary thing
for our brothers
and sisters
in the early church.
They devoted themselves
to it.
And what happened
as a result?
Luke tells us
in the rest of Acts 2,
he says,
and the Lord
added to their number
day by day
those who were being saved
as the power
of the gospel
expressed itself,
yes,
in a devotion
to the apostles' teaching
and into all-filled worship
and into deep,
rich prayer,
but also, friends,
in devoted fellowship.
As the power
of the gospel
expressed itself
in that kind
of friendship
and fellowship,
God used it
as a means
to grow the church,
to bring more
and more people
to himself.
What if part
of our evangelistic
strategy
in the time
and in the place
that God has for us
has to entail friendship?
I think it does,
friends.
And here's why,
because the life
of Christ
is not going
to look plausible
to your neighbors
or my neighbors
unless they see
relationships
where that's being
lived out
and made visible
and made real
before their very eyes.
You and I know
that following Christ
is incredibly
countercultural.
How are our friends
going to even picture
what that looks like
unless here
in this place
there are friendships
where that's being
lived out with joy
and with deep meaning?
So true friendship
is constant,
it's candid,
and it's thoughtful.
But you know,
the book of Proverbs
is a very realistic book.
It admits
that this sort of friendship
is very rare.
Proverbs 26 says,
Many a man proclaims
his steadfast love,
but a faithful man
who can find?
Aristotle
supposedly once exclaimed,
Oh, my friends,
there is no friend.
Who can find a friend
like we've been describing?
You might be thinking,
I've never had a friend
like that.
And newsflash,
most of my experiences
in church
have not been like that.
You might be thinking,
all of my friends
have been fickle
and not constant.
They've moved away,
they've stopped calling,
they're surfacy,
they're not candid,
they barely know me.
Constant,
candid,
thoughtful,
no one's ever
been a friend to me
like that.
How can I turn around
and be that kind of friend?
Oh,
my friends,
there is no friend.
But are we so sure
about that?
What if you actually
did have a friend like that?
Constant,
completely truthful
and honest
and yet utterly
thoughtful and loving.
What if you did have a friend
who knew you
at that deep level,
who pursued you,
who stuck it out
through your ups and downs?
What if you had
a friend like that?
Wouldn't you be able
then to turn around
and be a friend like that?
If you knew
that amidst all
your companions
and acquaintances,
you had a friend
who stuck closer
than a brother,
it would change everything,
wouldn't it?
Wouldn't it give you
the courage
to step out
and make new friends
if you had at least
one really good friend?
And wouldn't it give you
the strength
to let go
of old friends
if you knew
that there was one
who stuck closer
than a brother?
If you had
that sort of friend,
would it not then
empower you
to be that sort of friend?
And yet again,
has anyone ever
had a friend like that?
Well, friends,
here's the good news,
is that despite
what you may think,
the message of Christianity
is that we have
and we do,
you see.
In the last days
of His earthly ministry,
Jesus said,
greater love
has no one than this,
than a man
laid down his life
for his friends.
And you know
what happened
that very night?
That very night
in the Garden of Gethsemane,
while we were
falling asleep,
while we were
showing ourselves
to be unconstant
and unfaithful
and unthoughtful,
as we failed
to be the friend
that He deserved,
Jesus Christ
goes forward.
He meets this gang
of torches
and spears
that had come
for Him
and all the rest
of them,
and He says,
if you seek Me,
let these men go.
and in our place,
Jesus goes forward
into that gang
who had come
with bloodthirstiness
for Him.
And He goes forward
to the cross,
losing all of His earthly
friends along the way,
losing even the Heavenly
Father's favor
as He became sin
for us
on the cross.
friends,
do you see
what God
has become
for you
in Christ?
He's become
your true friend,
sharing all
of our infirmities,
not a single need,
not a single temptation,
not a single heartache
is foreign to Him.
Sharing all
of our infirmities
and sticking closer
to us
than a brother,
even when it meant
laying down
His own life
for us.
And after laying
down His life,
we know that
after His suffering
on the third day,
He rose again,
reconciling us
to the Father,
making it true
that for all
who turn
and trust in Him
once and for all,
we can become
the friends of God.
Isn't that amazing?
You know,
there are these echoes
in the Old Testament.
Abraham at one point
is called God's friend.
Moses at one point
is said that
he speaks to God
face to face
as a man speaks
with a friend,
but those are rare.
Those are exceptions
to the rule.
Those are Abraham.
Those are Moses.
And yet here comes Christ
tearing the veil in two
and saying,
I've made you all
my friends.
It's not just
the privilege
of a select few.
It's all of us.
And what's more,
Christ has even given us
the Holy Spirit
so that we might begin
to live in the rich assurance
of His unyielding friendship
to us.
You remember the words
that He spoke?
The risen Lord spoke
to the disciples
as they gathered
in Galilee?
He says,
I'm with you always,
even to the end
of the age.
Isn't that exactly
what we want our friends
to say to us?
I'm with you always,
no matter what comes.
And the Holy Spirit's work
is to make those words
resonate deeper
and deeper in our souls
so that we might become
more and more
the kind of people
who can become
the sort of friends
to others
that Proverbs talks about.
One hymn puts it this way,
Jesus,
what a friend
for sinners.
Jesus,
lover of my soul.
Friends may fail me.
Foes assail me.
He,
my Savior,
makes me whole.
Hallelujah,
what a Savior.
Hallelujah,
what a friend.
Saving,
helping,
keeping,
loving.
He is with me
to the end.
Brothers and sisters,
you have a friend
that sticks closer
than a brother.
A constant,
candid,
perfectly loving.
So now,
let us live
out that friendship
with one another.
Let's pray.
Lord Jesus,
we confess that often
our friendships
are so riddled
and so hard.
Lord,
how much further
do we need to go
to discover
our own brokenness
and our own need
of redemption
than to look at
our own friendships
and how far
short they fall.
And yet,
Lord Jesus,
we praise you
this morning
for your kindness
and your faithfulness
and your steadfast love.
Lord,
that when we were
friendless,
when we hated
one another
and were hated
by each other,
you entered in
to our sin-sick world
and our friendless
and lonely world
and you broke
open the gates
of friendship.
Lord,
thank you
this morning
that you know
each one of us
personally,
individually,
intimately.
Lord,
help us to see that.
Help us to know that.
Help us to live
in the joy of that,
that you are
a faithful friend.
And Lord,
help us to be
so filled by that
and by your spirit
that we can become
the friends
that you call us
to be in the church
and that our world
so desperately needs.
Father,
we ask all this
in the strong name
of Jesus.
Amen.