WEBVTT 00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:03.940 Let me ask you to take your copy of God's Word and turn to Ephesians chapter 6. 00:00:13.939 --> 00:00:18.800 As stated previously, we're taking a single Sunday break from our study of Daniel 00:00:18.800 --> 00:00:24.560 ! to address the fathers and potential future fathers of our congregation. 00:00:24.560 --> 00:00:29.980 First, before delivering any exhortation, dads, I want you to know that we see the 00:00:29.980 --> 00:00:36.340 hard work that you are doing, and we are generally very proud of you. I'm looking at two dads 00:00:36.340 --> 00:00:41.560 rocking babies to sleep in the back corner right now, and it's wonderful. Being a father 00:00:41.560 --> 00:00:48.039 is not easy, and we are seeing your efforts and the fruits of your labor. I don't know 00:00:48.039 --> 00:00:51.480 if any of you pay attention to the Babylon Bee, but one of the headlines from this morning, 00:00:51.480 --> 00:00:57.380 I don't even know why I was on Twitter this morning, but nonetheless, it said, 00:00:57.380 --> 00:01:05.320 entire nation takes a day to celebrate useless parents, which is the suggestion of our culture 00:01:05.320 --> 00:01:13.320 that dads play no part in parenting except to follow the child to begin with. And it's, 00:01:13.420 --> 00:01:21.840 of course, tongue-in-cheek, but your labor matters. But that said, we all have improving to do in our 00:01:21.840 --> 00:01:29.060 parenting. So I also do not want you to stop growing in your fathering, but please take today's brief 00:01:29.060 --> 00:01:37.800 exhortation as an encouragement to do well and not in any form as condemnation. Second, the Greek word 00:01:37.800 --> 00:01:46.379 rendered in verse 4 of Ephesians 6, fathers, can also mean parents, although it's a different Greek 00:01:46.379 --> 00:01:54.039 word than we see translated as parents in verse 1. Now, I appreciate the translation of the word into 00:01:54.039 --> 00:01:59.840 our English word as fathers, as dads are to be the heads of our households and ought to be giving 00:01:59.840 --> 00:02:06.599 leadership in the raising of children, with mothers as helpers in this most precious responsibility. 00:02:07.199 --> 00:02:13.579 So either way, you think it ought to be translated. The point is this, moms, don't let the teaching of 00:02:13.580 --> 00:02:19.880 this text be lost on you. Now, further this morning, if you're not a parent, don't check out on us. I hope 00:02:19.880 --> 00:02:27.220 that you will be encouraged as we consider the ways that our Heavenly Father disciplines us. Godly 00:02:27.220 --> 00:02:35.080 parenting is meant to model, it's meant to be an outflow of the way that we are parented by God. So I 00:02:35.080 --> 00:02:41.140 hope you'll find that encouraging. Now, today we're going to give particular attention to verse 4, 00:02:41.139 --> 00:02:49.000 but to set the stage a bit, we'll begin reading in verse 1 of Ephesians chapter 6. Before I read, let me remind 00:02:49.000 --> 00:02:55.339 you, beloved, that this is God's word to us, written for his glory and our good, and so we would all do well 00:02:55.339 --> 00:03:01.399 to listen to it in order to believe its promises and obey its commands. Ephesians 6, verse 1 and following. 00:03:01.400 --> 00:03:09.540 Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. Honor your father and mother, this is the 00:03:09.540 --> 00:03:16.159 first commandment, with a promise, that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land. 00:03:17.180 --> 00:03:22.500 Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction 00:03:22.500 --> 00:03:28.900 of the Lord. So again, we're going to spend most of our time on verse 4, but before we do that, 00:03:28.900 --> 00:03:34.360 children, let me have your attention. There's kids in the room that can hear me and understand what I'm 00:03:34.360 --> 00:03:41.300 saying, but the Apostle Paul is speaking to you in verses 1 through 3, and he tells you that it is good 00:03:41.300 --> 00:03:48.420 for you to obey your parents. Your parents were given to you as a gift from God to help you follow 00:03:48.420 --> 00:03:57.120 him so that your life will go well, and by his definition of that, not ours. You ought to listen to 00:03:57.120 --> 00:04:03.599 the godly discipline of your parents, and you need to extend forgiveness to your parents when they mess 00:04:03.599 --> 00:04:12.140 up, because they have and they will mess up. Now, children, you're done. Let's focus our attention 00:04:12.140 --> 00:04:22.459 on verse 4. The first half says, fathers, do not provoke your children to anger. Fathers, and by proxy, 00:04:22.459 --> 00:04:33.399 mothers, are exhorted to not anger our children. But is this possible? We have experienced anger from 00:04:33.399 --> 00:04:41.719 our children when our discipline is careful, and it is gentle, and it is fair. I can remember Judah as a 00:04:41.719 --> 00:04:47.099 two-year-old sitting in timeout screaming and me correcting him and telling him that if he continued 00:04:47.100 --> 00:04:52.160 to do so that I would spank his bottom, and he balled up his little fists, and he got this angry 00:04:52.160 --> 00:04:58.680 look on his face, and he pounded the floor, and then guess what happened to little Judah? We had been 00:04:58.680 --> 00:05:06.560 very patient with him in the process, but he got angry nonetheless, right? Are we being told here to 00:05:06.560 --> 00:05:12.740 tiptoe around our children's feelings in such a way that we ensure that they will never get angry? 00:05:12.740 --> 00:05:20.400 After all, anger is a condition of the fallen heart. Those of us who are redeemed, who have 00:05:20.400 --> 00:05:27.480 new hearts, still find ourselves getting angry. So is it even possible to not anger a child? 00:05:28.639 --> 00:05:34.040 Votie Bakken once said at a conference I attended, and he said it in his big deep voice, which I can't do. 00:05:34.540 --> 00:05:42.100 He said, do you know why babies are so small? Because if they weren't, they will kill you the first time 00:05:42.100 --> 00:05:50.680 you didn't give them something that they want. We have all witnessed the fury of an infant. 00:05:51.580 --> 00:05:59.980 They can get so extremely angry because they're hungry or they're tired. Surely Paul doesn't want 00:05:59.980 --> 00:06:05.320 us to center all of our child training on our children's feelings in such a way that they always 00:06:05.319 --> 00:06:12.500 get their way. So what does he mean? Now, two details are going to help us understand his meaning. 00:06:12.659 --> 00:06:18.740 First, in the text, the word provoke is in the present tense, which means that it speaks 00:06:18.740 --> 00:06:26.740 to a state of being. He's not just talking about an action. He's talking about the very being of our 00:06:26.740 --> 00:06:36.060 children. Paul is saying, do not make your children provoked with anger. Don't make them children who 00:06:36.060 --> 00:06:44.980 would be defined by their anger. So it would seem that this is a deep-rooted type of anger, an anger 00:06:44.980 --> 00:06:53.480 that is set against the father and against the father's leadership. The second detail we can note, 00:06:53.480 --> 00:07:00.379 if we look to the parallel passage in Colossians chapter three and verse 21, Paul uses the same 00:07:00.379 --> 00:07:05.939 word provoke, but with a different qualifier this time. He says, fathers do not provoke your children 00:07:05.939 --> 00:07:15.259 lest they become discouraged. So when we take these two details together, it becomes obvious that Paul 00:07:15.259 --> 00:07:21.360 is not exhorting fathers to avoid our children ever becoming angry with us for this is inevitable, 00:07:21.360 --> 00:07:28.740 but rather to parent them in a way that they do not turn against our good parenting in angry 00:07:28.740 --> 00:07:36.879 discouragement. The last half of the verse gives us the adverse of this. What is then the opposite of 00:07:36.879 --> 00:07:46.400 this to bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord? When we see the word discipline, 00:07:46.399 --> 00:07:54.799 we automatically think, at least I do, of punitive action, right? Being a harsh consequence to something 00:07:54.799 --> 00:08:02.500 that's been done. But that is not at all what Paul has in mind. His idea is much broader. The word 00:08:02.500 --> 00:08:10.719 discipline means to train. It's the same word that we use for discipleship. When a top athlete is referred 00:08:10.720 --> 00:08:17.240 to as disciplined, we don't think of them as receiving daily spankings, right? It's not what comes into our 00:08:17.240 --> 00:08:24.380 mind, but of carefully training their bodies for whatever task they have set themselves to. This is 00:08:24.380 --> 00:08:33.480 what Paul is referring to. And our children need two types of discipline. They need instructive discipline, 00:08:33.480 --> 00:08:52.639 being told and shown how they are not to act. Beloved parents, we will not do this well if we do not know 00:08:52.639 --> 00:09:00.560 how our children are to act and how they are not to act. We are not the ones who define that. 00:09:00.559 --> 00:09:08.119 We can only learn this from God's word. Do not take your cues from this world about how your children 00:09:08.119 --> 00:09:15.199 should or shouldn't act, but rather from God's word. After all, we're to bring them up in the 00:09:15.199 --> 00:09:23.519 discipline and training or the instruction of the Lord. If all of that is packed into the word 00:09:23.519 --> 00:09:29.879 discipline, why then does Paul also say instruction, right? I think some people will read this and think of 00:09:29.879 --> 00:09:37.480 the negative consequence and the positive, but actually quite the opposite is true. The word 00:09:37.480 --> 00:09:45.980 instruction, the Greek word means warning. Our children need to know that the eternal consequence 00:09:45.980 --> 00:09:55.879 for them not obeying God is eternal punishment. They need to understand that the temporal instructive 00:09:55.879 --> 00:10:01.559 discipline and temporal corrective discipline of their parents is not ultimately aimed at their 00:10:01.559 --> 00:10:08.080 external behavior. It's a good thing that our children learn how to behave appropriately, but that's not the 00:10:08.080 --> 00:10:18.519 main point. It is ultimately aimed at their hearts. We want our children to fear and love God. 00:10:18.519 --> 00:10:26.079 This is the great end of all godly parenting, right? So we're to discipline and instruct. 00:10:26.840 --> 00:10:32.120 That is why we must discipline and instruct our children by God's word and why we must discipline 00:10:32.120 --> 00:10:39.419 and instruct our children according to God's ways. So not only does the last half of verse four tell us 00:10:39.419 --> 00:10:44.460 that we should discipline and instruct them by God's standard, by his word, but in consistency with 00:10:44.460 --> 00:10:53.860 his character. We are supposed to parent our children the way God parents us, the discipline and instruction 00:10:53.860 --> 00:11:04.420 of the Lord. So to help us think about this a little bit, I for many years wondered what exactly or how 00:11:04.420 --> 00:11:11.980 exactly do I avoid doing this work of provoking my children to anger? And then I came across a book that 00:11:11.980 --> 00:11:17.320 I'll come into you. It's got one of the worst book covers I've ever seen, but the content of it is so 00:11:17.320 --> 00:11:25.480 good. And it's called the heart of anger by Lou Priolo. And he gives in there 25 ways that parents 00:11:25.480 --> 00:11:31.060 provoke their children to anger. And these are observations that he's seen across as many years of 00:11:31.060 --> 00:11:36.840 biblical counseling. These are on the back of your bulletin for you. And I think there's some extra out 00:11:36.840 --> 00:11:41.519 there in the hallway. If you want to grab them at some point, we do not have nearly enough time today to 00:11:41.519 --> 00:11:46.139 talk about every one of these things. And some of them are a little bit redundant. They overlap a bit. 00:11:46.399 --> 00:11:52.399 And I think by design, right? I think that Lou wants you to read through these things and apply them very 00:11:52.399 --> 00:11:58.860 carefully to your heart to think, am I doing any of these things? Is there any way that I'm developing 00:11:58.860 --> 00:12:05.379 this kind of sinful anger in the hearts of my children? So I do want, I'm going to read through them and I just 00:12:05.379 --> 00:12:09.919 want to make some notes at a couple of them. You'll note the ones that I bold faced on the back of your 00:12:09.919 --> 00:12:14.259 bulletin. Those are the ones I'll stop and make a couple of comments about just to help us think 00:12:14.259 --> 00:12:20.159 well about this together today. And of course, I would commend to you that book, especially if you 00:12:20.159 --> 00:12:27.299 have a child who you find is particularly angry as a child. So let's talk about these just briefly. 00:12:27.699 --> 00:12:34.240 Number one, a lack of marital harmony, right? If there's not peace in the house, how can we expect 00:12:34.240 --> 00:12:42.080 our children to be at peace? Number two, establishing and maintaining a child centered home. 00:12:42.980 --> 00:12:51.639 Number three, modeling sinful anger. We cannot expect our children to not have hearts of anger. 00:12:51.860 --> 00:12:58.680 If we have hearts of anger, this is what we're expressing to them. They are watching us. They are 00:12:58.679 --> 00:13:08.000 being discipled by the way we act, even when we're not trying to disciple them. James writes in James 00:13:08.000 --> 00:13:16.879 chapter four, beginning in verse one, what causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not 00:13:16.879 --> 00:13:24.979 this that your passions are at war within you? So what's happening in our hearts is what causes 00:13:24.980 --> 00:13:31.220 the types of strife that comes out of us. And the beginning of verse two, he says, you desire and 00:13:31.220 --> 00:13:39.519 do not have. So you murder, right? We want our house to be peaceful. We want our house to be clean. We 00:13:39.519 --> 00:13:46.399 want our children to be obedient. We want to not be bothered when we get home. And so we get angry. 00:13:46.399 --> 00:13:55.959 We say in essence to our spouses or to our children, I wish you didn't exist when we act in this way 00:13:55.959 --> 00:14:03.899 toward one another, right? So modeling sinful anger is a way to provoke this kind of anger in your 00:14:03.899 --> 00:14:11.139 children. Number four, habitually disciplining in anger, right? So there's the anger now aimed in the 00:14:11.139 --> 00:14:21.279 instruction of our children. Number five, scolding our children. Number six, being inconsistent with our 00:14:21.279 --> 00:14:28.019 discipline. Our children will never learn to obey if the expectations that we set for them are not 00:14:28.019 --> 00:14:38.419 clear, if the consequences are not clear, and if the corrective discipline is not consistent, right? 00:14:38.419 --> 00:14:43.219 Adults like this kind of thing, right? Have you ever worked a job where you didn't really know what your boss 00:14:43.219 --> 00:14:47.360 expected of you, and you weren't really sure what would happen if you didn't meet the expectations? 00:14:47.500 --> 00:14:53.659 That's a frustrating place to work. I've worked in those kinds of environments. Like, we love this kind of 00:14:53.659 --> 00:15:00.179 clarity, what the expectations are, what the consequences will be, and then with our children, we need to be 00:15:00.179 --> 00:15:07.799 consistent following through with that discipline. I wonder how many of you prepared your children for today. 00:15:08.419 --> 00:15:14.319 Did you talk to them about what you expected of them during our time together? Why your expectations are 00:15:14.319 --> 00:15:21.279 important, and what would happen if they were not obedient? This is an example, right? If not, I want to 00:15:21.279 --> 00:15:26.719 encourage you to try to do so next week, or the next time you go to grandma and grandpa's house, or, right? 00:15:26.839 --> 00:15:31.179 You may be surprised what your children can accomplish when you set very clear expectations for them, 00:15:31.179 --> 00:15:38.120 when you give them very clear consequences, and you follow through with those corrections. 00:15:38.839 --> 00:15:45.239 There's been a trend lately that I've seen from a lot of Christian parents. I call it the parenting with 00:15:45.239 --> 00:15:52.479 grace trend, which really is a perversion of grace, and this means that we will, in an attempt to express 00:15:52.479 --> 00:15:58.419 our father's love, we will overlook some of your sins. We know the consequence would normally be, but we're not 00:15:58.419 --> 00:16:02.599 going to give you that consequence, because we want you to understand that our God is a God of grace. 00:16:03.419 --> 00:16:10.860 But this is not the way that God deals with us. There are always temporal consequences for our sin. 00:16:11.419 --> 00:16:18.779 What we have paid for us in Christ is the eternal consequences of our sin. Praise be to God, right? 00:16:18.779 --> 00:16:27.439 We deserve death. We deserve hell. But if we believed in Jesus, he has taken on the punishment of death for us. 00:16:28.019 --> 00:16:34.299 But God does not dismiss the temporal consequences. There are still consequences for our action. Why? 00:16:34.779 --> 00:16:40.699 Because he loves us. So if you're getting caught up in this parenting with grace trend, let me just say to you 00:16:40.699 --> 00:16:43.740 that you're not being loving, you're being lazy. 00:16:43.740 --> 00:16:53.700 And I fall into that trap a lot, right? I give the so-and-so, come here. And they don't come on the 00:16:53.700 --> 00:16:57.720 first try. And it's so much easier just to say it again than go through an entire discipline process 00:16:57.720 --> 00:17:04.579 with them. But the loving thing to do is to say, I expect you to obey me the first time, right? And to 00:17:04.579 --> 00:17:11.160 track through with whatever consequence we have laid out for that. The way that we parent with grace 00:17:11.160 --> 00:17:15.519 is that when our children don't act like our children, and anytime my children disobey me, 00:17:15.620 --> 00:17:20.779 they are expressing that they don't believe that I love them and I care for them, right? They're not 00:17:20.779 --> 00:17:25.620 acting like my children when they do that, right? The grace piece is I don't hang a free child sign 00:17:25.620 --> 00:17:31.300 around their neck and set them out on the curb, right? The grace I show them is that they're still 00:17:31.300 --> 00:17:37.540 mine, that I love them and I care about them and I want them to be corrected for their good, 00:17:37.539 --> 00:17:41.319 right? This is the way I follow through consistently. And I don't do this perfectly, 00:17:41.319 --> 00:17:46.899 but this is the work that we ought to be doing, being consistent in our discipline, right? 00:17:47.859 --> 00:17:53.559 Praise be to God that in Christ, Romans 8, 1, there is therefore now no condemnation, right? 00:17:53.740 --> 00:18:01.399 We will not be found guilty eternally for our sin. But the author of Hebrews writes in chapter 12 and 00:18:01.400 --> 00:18:09.840 verse 7 that it is for discipline that we have to endure. God is treating you as sons. For what son 00:18:09.840 --> 00:18:16.560 is there whom his father does not discipline, right? Our God is consistent with us to help us, 00:18:16.600 --> 00:18:21.960 to train us in righteousness, and we need to be doing the same. We need to be extending that to 00:18:21.960 --> 00:18:31.360 our children as well. So work at being consistent with your discipline. Number 7, having double standards. 00:18:31.400 --> 00:18:41.000 Number 8, being legalistic. Number 9, not admitting you're wrong and not asking for forgiveness. 00:18:42.060 --> 00:18:50.759 Parents, if we ever get anything right, it's by grace alone. Amen? Because God has helped us get it 00:18:50.759 --> 00:18:57.300 right. So we have all the reason in the world to be humble in our parenting and no reason to be proud. 00:18:57.299 --> 00:19:01.700 We will make mistakes. We will make mistakes. And the parent who is striving to not provoke their 00:19:01.700 --> 00:19:07.899 child to anger will be willing to admit their wrongs and ask their child for forgiveness. 00:19:08.960 --> 00:19:15.359 Ask their child for forgiveness. You can ask my children. I have issued countless apologies 00:19:15.359 --> 00:19:21.000 to them. And I can tell you, it is a humbling thing to ask for the forgiveness of a two-year-old. 00:19:21.000 --> 00:19:27.740 And, you know, your father corrected you. You needed to be corrected, but I corrected you in anger. 00:19:28.079 --> 00:19:32.700 And I should not have corrected you in anger. Will you forgive me? It will melt your heart for 00:19:32.700 --> 00:19:39.799 a two-year-old and say, sure, dad. Right? Dad, it is good for your soul and it is good for your 00:19:39.799 --> 00:19:44.759 family to ask for forgiveness when you have been wrong. 00:19:44.759 --> 00:19:54.140 Jesus in the Sermon on the Mount, Matthew chapter 7, verse 3, speaks about removing a log from your 00:19:54.140 --> 00:19:58.960 eye to see clearly the speck that's in your brother's eye. If you'll allow me a little bit of 00:19:58.960 --> 00:20:05.379 editorial privilege, I'd like to read verses 3 through 5 to you. Why do you see the speck that 00:20:05.379 --> 00:20:11.859 is in your child's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your 00:20:11.859 --> 00:20:17.699 child, let me take the speck out of your eye when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite. 00:20:18.219 --> 00:20:23.639 First take the log out of your own eye and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your 00:20:23.639 --> 00:20:29.759 child's eye. We ought to always view our own sin that way. Our sin is always the log and other sin 00:20:29.759 --> 00:20:36.639 is the speck, right? And we ought to work to remove that. So be willing to be humble and admit that you're 00:20:36.640 --> 00:20:45.560 wrong and ask your children for forgiveness. Number 10, constantly finding fault. Number 11, 00:20:46.040 --> 00:20:52.460 parents reversing God-given roles, right? Women in the house having to step up and be the lead 00:20:52.460 --> 00:20:59.340 disciplinarian. Number 12, not listening to your child's opinion or taking his or her side of the 00:20:59.339 --> 00:21:09.240 story seriously. I heard a story, a friend of mine told me a story of his friend who got home and his 00:21:09.240 --> 00:21:15.000 mother had told him he had to go tell his father what he had done that day. And the son began telling 00:21:15.000 --> 00:21:20.159 the story and the father got angry with him and decided to discipline him. And the son was trying 00:21:20.159 --> 00:21:24.379 to continue to talk and the dad would not hear what he had to say. So he spanked him, sent him to his room. 00:21:24.380 --> 00:21:28.460 And after, you know, the dust had settled, he went to his room and he said, now you can tell me what 00:21:28.460 --> 00:21:34.680 you wanted to say. And he said, mom already spanked me. He didn't take the time to hear him, 00:21:34.980 --> 00:21:39.980 right? And to understand that the punishment had already been delivered. But he was just meant to 00:21:39.980 --> 00:21:50.560 tell his father what had happened. Number 13, comparing them to others. Number 14, not making time just 00:21:50.559 --> 00:22:02.480 to talk. Number 15, not praising or encouraging your child. Our children need to know that we delight 00:22:02.480 --> 00:22:09.919 in them. Not because of anything particular that they have done, but just because they are. Our love 00:22:09.919 --> 00:22:15.899 for them doesn't need to be conditional, right? We just need to say to them, I love you. I delight in you. 00:22:15.900 --> 00:22:23.600 You bring me great joy just because you're mine. Father's Day is a great day for that. Dad's just 00:22:23.600 --> 00:22:29.759 to say happy father. I'm so glad I'm a dad. You made me a dad. I'm so glad to be your dad. We have 00:22:29.759 --> 00:22:36.580 so much opportunity to build relational equity with our children by constantly telling him that we love 00:22:36.580 --> 00:22:40.620 them, that we are proud of them, that they make us happy. 00:22:45.900 --> 00:22:52.440 We ought to always view our own sin that way. Our sin is always the log and the other sin 00:22:52.440 --> 00:22:59.100 is the speck, right? And we ought to work to remove that. So be willing to be humble and admit that 00:22:59.100 --> 00:23:08.240 you're wrong and ask your children for forgiveness. Number 10, constantly finding fault. Number 11, 00:23:08.700 --> 00:23:15.120 parents reversing God-given roles, right? Women in the house having to step up and be the lead 00:23:15.119 --> 00:23:22.439 disciplinarian. Number 12, not listening to your child's opinion or taking his or her side of the story 00:23:22.439 --> 00:23:23.779 seriously.