WEBVTT 00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:09.740 Well, last week we started a series in a book of the Old Testament right in the middle of the Bible called the Song of Songs. 00:00:10.439 --> 00:00:21.179 This is a song. It's a love song. It's an extended poem, and in some ways it's made up of a number of poems that are collected together. 00:00:21.980 --> 00:00:28.019 I spent a long time introducing this last week. It's a book that requires a lot of introduction and explanation. 00:00:28.019 --> 00:00:33.200 It's a very challenging book to understand and interpret, so we talked a lot about that last week. 00:00:33.719 --> 00:00:42.259 So I won't get into as much depth this week. Suffice it to say, the song has a number of ways we can describe it. 00:00:42.659 --> 00:00:52.700 In one sense, it's wisdom literature. So just like Proverbs, just like Ecclesiastes or Psalms or Job, it's a book that is meant to orient us to the world. 00:00:52.700 --> 00:01:00.680 It tells us the kind of world we live in, what it means to be a human being, and how to live in the world that God has made. 00:01:00.859 --> 00:01:02.219 So it's wisdom literature. 00:01:02.980 --> 00:01:05.280 In another sense, it is erotic poetry. 00:01:05.900 --> 00:01:09.700 We talked about the debate over the centuries as to whether or not it is pure allegory, 00:01:10.300 --> 00:01:14.379 or whether it does in fact pertain to human love and sexual intimacy, 00:01:14.879 --> 00:01:18.120 and we decided it is overwhelmingly obvious that it's the latter. 00:01:18.120 --> 00:01:21.640 It is very much erotic poetry, so it's about human relationships. 00:01:22.500 --> 00:01:27.600 But because the Bible says that marriage itself is a picture of the gospel, 00:01:28.140 --> 00:01:33.180 as we read the Song of Songs together, which is a vision of the ideal marriage, 00:01:34.580 --> 00:01:38.980 we get a window into the heart of the gospel. 00:01:39.180 --> 00:01:43.719 This is a picture for us of the love that exists between Jesus Christ and his church. 00:01:43.719 --> 00:01:48.400 And so we said last week that as we read this book together, we're going to be reading it through two lenses. 00:01:48.719 --> 00:01:55.060 We're going to treat it as wisdom and allow it to inform us as we think about our own relationships, 00:01:55.060 --> 00:01:59.799 and we're also going to see it as a window into the heart of God 00:01:59.799 --> 00:02:03.819 and the kind of intimacy that we long to have with God, 00:02:03.879 --> 00:02:05.759 the kind of intimacy we were made to have with God. 00:02:05.760 --> 00:02:13.520 And as I say intimacy, that really centers on the central theme of the song as a whole. 00:02:13.599 --> 00:02:18.180 If there's anything that unites this together thematically, it's the theme of intimacy. 00:02:18.800 --> 00:02:20.740 And so this is really a series about intimacy. 00:02:21.599 --> 00:02:24.000 The kind of intimacy we were made to have with one another 00:02:24.000 --> 00:02:26.360 and the kind of intimacy we were made to have with God. 00:02:26.879 --> 00:02:28.599 The kind of intimacy we all long for. 00:02:28.599 --> 00:02:36.240 I will continue to say my contention is that our society has a massive crisis of intimacy. 00:02:37.060 --> 00:02:40.459 That while we have enormous technology that connects us, 00:02:40.819 --> 00:02:43.060 while we are oversexed in many ways, 00:02:43.560 --> 00:02:47.759 that at the same time we are starved for intimacy. 00:02:48.680 --> 00:02:51.219 And so that's why we're exploring this theme together. 00:02:51.459 --> 00:02:53.939 So the song speaks to all different kinds of relationships. 00:02:53.939 --> 00:02:57.039 It speaks to community life, like you might have in a church. 00:02:57.039 --> 00:02:58.840 It speaks to friendship. 00:02:59.780 --> 00:03:03.139 It speaks to people who are dating, people who are married. 00:03:03.680 --> 00:03:07.919 It speaks to the kind of intimacy we long to have with God. 00:03:08.000 --> 00:03:09.379 It speaks to all of those things. 00:03:10.180 --> 00:03:13.659 And so what we're going to do this week is pick up where we left off last week, 00:03:13.739 --> 00:03:14.719 chapter 1, verse 9. 00:03:14.840 --> 00:03:17.560 We're going to go all the way through chapter 3, verse 5. 00:03:17.759 --> 00:03:18.899 We're going to do it the same way. 00:03:18.959 --> 00:03:19.939 We're going to read a little bit. 00:03:20.239 --> 00:03:23.259 And then every so often we'll stop and draw out a point. 00:03:23.259 --> 00:03:26.500 And again, we're going to see three more points about intimacy, 00:03:26.500 --> 00:03:28.280 how to cultivate it, how to develop it, 00:03:28.520 --> 00:03:31.180 what it means to have intimacy in our relationships. 00:03:31.879 --> 00:03:33.219 Before we do that, let's pray. 00:03:34.699 --> 00:03:37.659 Our Father, we do recognize, as we said last week, 00:03:37.740 --> 00:03:39.919 we pray that your promise, 00:03:40.960 --> 00:03:44.500 that all Scripture is breathed out by you 00:03:44.500 --> 00:03:46.139 and profitable for our growth, 00:03:46.539 --> 00:03:48.840 that you would make true on that promise, 00:03:49.240 --> 00:03:52.099 that your Holy Spirit would illuminate these words, 00:03:52.099 --> 00:03:54.699 that they would nourish us, 00:03:55.019 --> 00:03:57.759 that they would give us a vision of the kinds of relationships 00:03:57.759 --> 00:04:01.819 that are possible here in this room, 00:04:02.159 --> 00:04:06.039 that they would also give us a vision for the kind of relationship 00:04:06.039 --> 00:04:07.919 we are meant to have with you 00:04:07.919 --> 00:04:11.560 and what's possible because of Jesus Christ. 00:04:11.799 --> 00:04:13.139 And it's in his name that we pray. 00:04:13.340 --> 00:04:13.659 Amen. 00:04:13.659 --> 00:04:13.780 Amen. 00:04:14.960 --> 00:04:16.719 So let's start reading this together. 00:04:17.019 --> 00:04:19.439 We're going to drop in at chapter 1, verse 9, 00:04:19.759 --> 00:04:24.939 and we're entering into an extended period of mutual adoration. 00:04:25.219 --> 00:04:28.319 So this is the couple professing their love and desire for one another. 00:04:28.740 --> 00:04:30.959 So as I said last week, this is a song. 00:04:31.139 --> 00:04:33.939 So remember there's a female part, 00:04:34.199 --> 00:04:35.639 the Shulamite woman, the wife. 00:04:36.259 --> 00:04:39.420 There's the male part, Solomon, the husband. 00:04:39.420 --> 00:04:40.920 And then there's the chorus. 00:04:41.060 --> 00:04:44.180 And the chorus sort of chimes in every now and then. 00:04:44.400 --> 00:04:49.620 So the song commences with Solomon speaking. 00:04:50.180 --> 00:04:52.060 And he says this to the Shulamite woman, 00:04:52.379 --> 00:04:56.139 I compare you, my love, to a mare among Pharaoh's chariots. 00:04:56.879 --> 00:04:59.780 Now calling someone a horse does not sound very complimentary, 00:05:00.500 --> 00:05:03.439 but you have to understand that Pharaoh's chariots 00:05:03.439 --> 00:05:06.439 were pulled largely by stallions. 00:05:06.800 --> 00:05:08.819 And there's a historical account at one point 00:05:08.819 --> 00:05:10.500 when the Egyptian army was attacking. 00:05:11.079 --> 00:05:13.519 The force that was under attack 00:05:13.519 --> 00:05:16.939 recognized that these were a bunch of stallions. 00:05:17.120 --> 00:05:20.500 And so they used the tactic of releasing a mare in heat 00:05:20.500 --> 00:05:25.100 in hopes of distracting the horses and throwing off the attack. 00:05:25.500 --> 00:05:28.579 Now this was moderately successful until the mare was killed. 00:05:28.839 --> 00:05:31.300 But the point is, what he's saying is, 00:05:31.800 --> 00:05:33.879 you're the kind of woman who drives men crazy. 00:05:34.480 --> 00:05:36.079 You're the kind of woman who when you're around, 00:05:36.159 --> 00:05:37.180 men forget what they're doing. 00:05:37.180 --> 00:05:38.000 They get distracted. 00:05:38.160 --> 00:05:39.040 They lose their way. 00:05:39.379 --> 00:05:40.199 Chaos ensues. 00:05:40.360 --> 00:05:41.439 So it is a compliment. 00:05:42.000 --> 00:05:43.639 You're a mare among Pharaoh's chariots. 00:05:44.079 --> 00:05:45.680 Your cheeks are lovely with ornaments. 00:05:45.879 --> 00:05:47.420 Your neck with strings of jewels. 00:05:48.540 --> 00:05:51.000 We will make for you ornaments, says the chorus, 00:05:51.120 --> 00:05:53.120 of gold studded with silver. 00:05:53.220 --> 00:05:53.980 They're essentially saying, 00:05:54.060 --> 00:05:55.340 you're right, she's gorgeous. 00:05:55.800 --> 00:05:56.460 We keep going. 00:05:57.759 --> 00:05:58.879 Now she responds, 00:05:58.879 --> 00:06:00.939 While the king was on his couch, 00:06:01.339 --> 00:06:03.399 my nard gave forth its fragrance. 00:06:03.399 --> 00:06:08.079 My beloved is to me a sachet of myrrh that lies between my breasts. 00:06:08.480 --> 00:06:12.719 My beloved is to me a cluster of henna blossoms in the vineyards of En Gedi. 00:06:13.519 --> 00:06:17.879 Now last week we said that people over the centuries have gone to great lengths 00:06:17.879 --> 00:06:19.920 to allegorize this, 00:06:20.019 --> 00:06:21.879 to say it has nothing to do with human beings. 00:06:22.279 --> 00:06:24.699 It is entirely spiritual, entirely about God. 00:06:24.699 --> 00:06:26.500 This is a great example. 00:06:26.659 --> 00:06:30.699 Verse 13, Cyril of Alexandria reads this verse and says, 00:06:30.839 --> 00:06:33.319 Well, it's quite obvious what this is actually talking about. 00:06:34.259 --> 00:06:37.180 You have two breasts and you have nard between the two breasts. 00:06:37.279 --> 00:06:40.899 Well, obviously, the two breasts represent the Old Testament and the New Testament. 00:06:42.300 --> 00:06:43.539 Left breast, Old Testament. 00:06:43.659 --> 00:06:44.519 Right breast, New Testament. 00:06:46.399 --> 00:06:47.959 And Jesus is the myrrh. 00:06:48.860 --> 00:06:51.240 Now this is great biblical theology, right? 00:06:51.300 --> 00:06:53.120 Jesus ties the whole scripture together. 00:06:53.120 --> 00:06:55.019 But I think we've got to be honest. 00:06:55.139 --> 00:06:56.500 I think it's talking about breasts. 00:06:56.639 --> 00:07:00.740 And I think what's happening is the woman is laying there 00:07:00.740 --> 00:07:03.579 and she's looking down and she's looking at a little pouch, 00:07:03.660 --> 00:07:05.720 a little leather pouch that you would wear around your neck 00:07:05.720 --> 00:07:08.180 and you would have something scented or perfumed in it. 00:07:08.240 --> 00:07:10.019 This was a way of perfuming yourself. 00:07:10.360 --> 00:07:12.199 And she's looking down there and she's seeing this little, 00:07:12.379 --> 00:07:13.819 it's about right here where this is, 00:07:14.060 --> 00:07:15.220 and she's looking at it and she's saying, 00:07:15.319 --> 00:07:16.980 This is where I want my lover to be. 00:07:17.120 --> 00:07:18.860 It's a longing for intimacy. 00:07:19.879 --> 00:07:21.180 You know, I want to be so close to him 00:07:21.180 --> 00:07:23.019 that he's like this little bag around my neck. 00:07:23.079 --> 00:07:24.000 That's what she's saying. 00:07:24.939 --> 00:07:26.840 My beloved is to me a cluster of henna blossoms 00:07:26.840 --> 00:07:28.000 in the vineyards of En Gedi. 00:07:28.079 --> 00:07:29.160 He's sweet, he's beautiful. 00:07:29.259 --> 00:07:33.740 En Gedi was famed for the flowers and the things that came out of it. 00:07:33.819 --> 00:07:34.960 So let's keep going. 00:07:36.199 --> 00:07:37.860 Behold, you are beautiful, he says. 00:07:39.000 --> 00:07:40.160 Behold, you are beautiful. 00:07:40.300 --> 00:07:41.540 Your eyes are doves. 00:07:42.240 --> 00:07:42.980 And then it continues. 00:07:42.980 --> 00:07:44.860 Behold, she says. 00:07:44.980 --> 00:07:46.379 You are beautiful, my beloved. 00:07:46.540 --> 00:07:47.439 Truly delightful. 00:07:47.960 --> 00:07:49.100 Our couch is green. 00:07:49.460 --> 00:07:51.000 The beams of our house are cedar. 00:07:51.379 --> 00:07:52.720 Our rafters are pine. 00:07:52.840 --> 00:07:57.560 Now, remember last week they had arranged a rendezvous out in the fields. 00:07:57.700 --> 00:07:59.939 He was on break and she wanted to get some time with him. 00:08:00.400 --> 00:08:03.819 And so imagine they're out and they're in the woods together 00:08:03.819 --> 00:08:06.480 and they're laying in the grass and they're looking up 00:08:06.480 --> 00:08:08.680 and she's imagining in this very poetic way 00:08:08.680 --> 00:08:10.500 that the grass is like their bed. 00:08:10.500 --> 00:08:13.620 And as they look up at the tree branches, 00:08:13.779 --> 00:08:17.480 they're imagining that the cedar and the pine branches 00:08:17.480 --> 00:08:19.839 are like the rafters of their house. 00:08:20.300 --> 00:08:21.920 This is a very romantic scene. 00:08:22.379 --> 00:08:24.240 And it's a great setting for what happens 00:08:24.240 --> 00:08:27.279 because now the conversation shifts and gets a little more serious. 00:08:27.639 --> 00:08:29.680 She turns to him and she says this. 00:08:30.500 --> 00:08:33.279 I'm a rose of Sharon, a lily of the valleys. 00:08:33.820 --> 00:08:34.779 And then he responds, 00:08:35.460 --> 00:08:39.000 as a lily among brambles, so is my love among the young women. 00:08:39.000 --> 00:08:40.919 And then look what she says. 00:08:41.399 --> 00:08:43.200 She responds with this flood of emotion. 00:08:43.860 --> 00:08:45.799 As an apple tree among the trees of the forest, 00:08:45.940 --> 00:08:48.019 so is my beloved among the young men. 00:08:48.460 --> 00:08:50.399 With great delight I sat in his shadow 00:08:50.399 --> 00:08:52.220 and his fruit was sweet to my taste. 00:08:52.659 --> 00:08:54.320 He brought me to the banqueting house 00:08:54.320 --> 00:08:57.120 and his banner over me was love. 00:08:58.639 --> 00:08:59.399 Sustain me. 00:08:59.480 --> 00:09:00.940 Now she's turning to the audience. 00:09:01.279 --> 00:09:02.600 Sustain me with raisins. 00:09:02.740 --> 00:09:04.940 Refresh me with apples for I'm sick with love. 00:09:05.320 --> 00:09:06.740 His left hand is under my head. 00:09:06.940 --> 00:09:08.299 His right hand embraces me. 00:09:08.299 --> 00:09:11.319 I adjure you, O daughters of Jerusalem, 00:09:11.699 --> 00:09:13.639 by the gazelles or the does of the field, 00:09:13.779 --> 00:09:16.919 that you not stir up or awaken love until it pleases. 00:09:17.219 --> 00:09:17.799 She's saying, 00:09:18.179 --> 00:09:22.799 if you only knew how powerful this feeling could be, 00:09:23.079 --> 00:09:26.019 if you only knew how it could wreck you, 00:09:27.159 --> 00:09:29.019 don't rush this kind of thing. 00:09:29.339 --> 00:09:30.879 Don't mess around with it. 00:09:31.219 --> 00:09:32.939 Don't play around with it. 00:09:33.259 --> 00:09:34.519 This is serious stuff. 00:09:34.779 --> 00:09:35.639 It's dangerous. 00:09:35.979 --> 00:09:36.719 It's exhausting. 00:09:36.720 --> 00:09:38.200 So this is what she says. 00:09:38.279 --> 00:09:41.080 We'll come back to that phrase a little bit later next week 00:09:41.080 --> 00:09:43.639 because it recurs throughout the poem. 00:09:43.740 --> 00:09:44.600 It's a major theme, 00:09:45.000 --> 00:09:46.560 but we'll get into that next week. 00:09:46.820 --> 00:09:49.120 I want to go back to chapter 2, verse 1. 00:09:50.320 --> 00:09:51.259 What's happening here? 00:09:51.279 --> 00:09:53.560 I want to pull out our first point about intimacy. 00:09:54.360 --> 00:09:56.120 First point about intimacy is this. 00:09:57.639 --> 00:10:00.860 Intimacy requires exclusivity. 00:10:00.860 --> 00:10:05.539 Intimacy requires exclusivity. 00:10:05.940 --> 00:10:07.120 When she says, 00:10:07.279 --> 00:10:08.240 I'm a rose of Sharon, 00:10:08.340 --> 00:10:09.340 a lily of the valleys, 00:10:09.519 --> 00:10:12.399 to us that seems as though she's complimenting herself. 00:10:12.500 --> 00:10:15.000 But what she's actually doing is saying this. 00:10:16.480 --> 00:10:19.159 Am I just like a common, ordinary flower 00:10:19.159 --> 00:10:21.519 that you would find growing on any hillside? 00:10:22.279 --> 00:10:23.580 Or am I something more? 00:10:23.580 --> 00:10:28.340 Am I just like one of the many wildflowers 00:10:28.340 --> 00:10:30.080 that we see laid out before us? 00:10:30.840 --> 00:10:32.780 Or is there something more between us? 00:10:33.660 --> 00:10:35.740 Now, she's not fishing for compliments. 00:10:36.560 --> 00:10:38.320 She's wanting to define the relationship. 00:10:39.960 --> 00:10:40.400 She's saying, 00:10:40.560 --> 00:10:42.220 I have strong feelings for you. 00:10:42.340 --> 00:10:43.280 You seem to like me. 00:10:43.379 --> 00:10:45.379 We've spent all this time together. 00:10:46.520 --> 00:10:49.920 I'm imagining you very intimately connected to me. 00:10:50.379 --> 00:10:51.779 And I just want to know, 00:10:51.839 --> 00:10:52.879 do you feel the same way? 00:10:53.699 --> 00:10:56.019 Or am I just one of many in your eyes? 00:10:56.459 --> 00:10:57.479 And look what he says. 00:10:58.299 --> 00:10:58.979 He says, 00:10:59.059 --> 00:11:00.079 Well, if you're a lily, 00:11:00.799 --> 00:11:02.679 then all the other women are thorns. 00:11:03.659 --> 00:11:04.740 And it's his way of saying, 00:11:04.819 --> 00:11:05.979 I only have eyes for you. 00:11:07.299 --> 00:11:08.019 I only, 00:11:08.259 --> 00:11:09.299 you're the only one. 00:11:10.059 --> 00:11:11.259 And in my estimation, 00:11:11.259 --> 00:11:13.599 there's no comparison between you and anyone else. 00:11:13.879 --> 00:11:14.439 If you're a lily, 00:11:14.519 --> 00:11:15.379 then they're all thorns. 00:11:16.779 --> 00:11:18.299 And she responds. 00:11:18.299 --> 00:11:20.179 Look at how she responds to this. 00:11:21.439 --> 00:11:22.479 She responds to his, 00:11:22.639 --> 00:11:23.899 so he reassures her, 00:11:24.019 --> 00:11:24.939 you're the only one. 00:11:25.199 --> 00:11:25.959 And then she responds. 00:11:26.059 --> 00:11:26.479 She says, 00:11:26.819 --> 00:11:31.679 I sit under the shade of my lover who is a tree. 00:11:32.120 --> 00:11:33.719 I sit under his banner, 00:11:33.819 --> 00:11:34.839 which is a banner of love. 00:11:35.019 --> 00:11:36.419 That's protection language. 00:11:37.019 --> 00:11:37.459 She's saying, 00:11:37.699 --> 00:11:38.939 now that you've reassured me, 00:11:39.019 --> 00:11:42.379 that you are in fact only interested in me, 00:11:42.459 --> 00:11:44.539 that you're not dating a bunch of people, 00:11:44.719 --> 00:11:47.799 that I'm really the only one that you have eyes for. 00:11:47.799 --> 00:11:48.399 She says, 00:11:48.519 --> 00:11:51.620 now I feel protected by you. 00:11:52.879 --> 00:11:55.279 I feel safer with you. 00:11:55.899 --> 00:11:56.659 And then she says, 00:11:56.719 --> 00:11:57.699 I feast on apples. 00:11:57.779 --> 00:11:58.919 I feast in the banqueting hall. 00:11:59.079 --> 00:12:01.199 I feel provided for by you. 00:12:01.359 --> 00:12:03.919 So this is language of protection and provision. 00:12:04.339 --> 00:12:05.740 And ultimately it boils down to, 00:12:05.819 --> 00:12:06.159 she says, 00:12:06.279 --> 00:12:07.939 now that you've reassured me of this, 00:12:08.159 --> 00:12:10.259 I'm feasting on that reassurance, 00:12:10.299 --> 00:12:12.039 like apples or a banquet. 00:12:12.039 --> 00:12:14.139 And now I feel safe with you. 00:12:14.419 --> 00:12:18.379 And now I can really allow myself to love you. 00:12:19.379 --> 00:12:22.659 And allow myself to become intimate with you in a whole new way. 00:12:22.879 --> 00:12:25.219 And so this is a major turning point, 00:12:25.299 --> 00:12:29.240 because it's a defining of the relationship that needs to happen 00:12:29.240 --> 00:12:32.120 in order to make more intimacy possible. 00:12:32.120 --> 00:12:37.120 So his willingness to commit to her shows that he's a safe person. 00:12:37.440 --> 00:12:39.580 And that's really important when you're talking about intimacy. 00:12:40.399 --> 00:12:45.759 Because intimacy means opening your heart and your life to another person. 00:12:45.980 --> 00:12:47.100 And that's terrifying. 00:12:47.100 --> 00:12:51.340 I mean, it's terrifying if you really let someone in. 00:12:52.139 --> 00:12:53.420 But the goal of intimacy, 00:12:53.540 --> 00:12:54.820 and the way you might define intimacy, 00:12:55.300 --> 00:12:58.659 is to know and be known without fear. 00:13:00.120 --> 00:13:02.540 To know and to be known without fear. 00:13:03.060 --> 00:13:06.220 I think that is one of the most fundamental human longings. 00:13:07.500 --> 00:13:09.399 To know and be known without fear. 00:13:10.779 --> 00:13:11.960 And that's why, 00:13:12.519 --> 00:13:13.440 before intimacy, 00:13:13.620 --> 00:13:15.480 you must have commitment. 00:13:15.480 --> 00:13:17.879 You must have exclusivity. 00:13:18.460 --> 00:13:20.100 Because when somebody commits, 00:13:20.180 --> 00:13:20.700 when somebody says, 00:13:20.820 --> 00:13:21.800 I only have eyes for you, 00:13:22.019 --> 00:13:23.320 I'm in this for the long haul, 00:13:23.500 --> 00:13:24.519 I'm committed to you, 00:13:24.659 --> 00:13:25.560 this is exclusive, 00:13:25.980 --> 00:13:26.779 you're the one, 00:13:26.920 --> 00:13:28.980 all of those are ways of saying what? 00:13:30.039 --> 00:13:31.820 Well, as you open your heart to me, 00:13:31.899 --> 00:13:33.159 as you open your life to me, 00:13:33.220 --> 00:13:34.860 as I begin to see more of you, 00:13:35.019 --> 00:13:36.580 as you become naked, 00:13:36.740 --> 00:13:37.779 not only physically, 00:13:37.980 --> 00:13:39.639 but as you become naked psychologically, 00:13:40.039 --> 00:13:41.519 as you become naked emotionally, 00:13:41.840 --> 00:13:44.659 as you really begin to take down the walls, 00:13:45.480 --> 00:13:48.259 no matter what I see, 00:13:48.960 --> 00:13:51.300 I'm not going anywhere. 00:13:52.440 --> 00:13:53.840 No matter what might come out, 00:13:53.899 --> 00:13:55.139 no matter what I might encounter, 00:13:55.300 --> 00:13:56.820 no matter if I like it or don't like it, 00:13:56.840 --> 00:13:58.680 no matter if it's something entirely unexpected, 00:13:59.100 --> 00:14:00.259 no matter what I see, 00:14:00.320 --> 00:14:01.779 as you open yourself up to me, 00:14:02.680 --> 00:14:04.519 I'm in this for the long haul. 00:14:05.180 --> 00:14:05.759 I'm here. 00:14:05.980 --> 00:14:06.820 I'm committed to you. 00:14:06.820 --> 00:14:11.840 And that creates a tremendous sense of safety and security. 00:14:12.700 --> 00:14:15.540 So if we want to build intimate relationships, 00:14:15.800 --> 00:14:19.900 we have to understand the importance of commitment and exclusivity. 00:14:20.560 --> 00:14:23.060 And we all need relationships like this. 00:14:23.100 --> 00:14:23.420 Of course, 00:14:23.500 --> 00:14:25.060 this is in the context of a marriage. 00:14:26.020 --> 00:14:30.440 But the most foundational context for this kind of intimacy is not marriage. 00:14:31.160 --> 00:14:32.160 It's friendship. 00:14:32.159 --> 00:14:34.179 It's friendship. 00:14:36.179 --> 00:14:36.579 Friendship, 00:14:36.679 --> 00:14:37.120 in many ways, 00:14:37.179 --> 00:14:40.100 is the foundational relationship for this kind of commitment. 00:14:40.559 --> 00:14:40.959 Marriages, 00:14:41.179 --> 00:14:42.759 the best marriages are at their core, 00:14:43.659 --> 00:14:44.779 a really strong friendship. 00:14:47.279 --> 00:14:49.659 We need to recover this in the church. 00:14:50.539 --> 00:14:55.740 We need to recover the place of exclusive covenant friendship. 00:14:56.379 --> 00:14:56.639 You know, 00:14:56.720 --> 00:14:58.000 you have your going out friends, 00:14:58.079 --> 00:14:58.899 you have your work friends, 00:14:59.019 --> 00:15:00.579 you have your sort of casual friends. 00:15:00.580 --> 00:15:02.759 It's great to have lots of friends like that. 00:15:03.060 --> 00:15:07.280 But every single person in this room needs at least one or two. 00:15:07.780 --> 00:15:09.660 You probably can't have many more than that. 00:15:10.080 --> 00:15:14.700 One or two exclusive committed covenantal friendships. 00:15:15.000 --> 00:15:17.540 These are people with whom you have an actual conversation. 00:15:17.720 --> 00:15:18.139 You say, 00:15:18.500 --> 00:15:19.280 listen, 00:15:19.440 --> 00:15:20.000 I like you. 00:15:20.080 --> 00:15:20.780 I trust you. 00:15:21.020 --> 00:15:22.379 I want to commit to you. 00:15:22.460 --> 00:15:23.879 And I want you to commit to me. 00:15:24.580 --> 00:15:30.379 I want to make this friendship something that is unlike the other friendships in my life. 00:15:30.379 --> 00:15:32.259 I want this to be a place where I can feel safe, 00:15:32.679 --> 00:15:33.559 where I can open up, 00:15:33.919 --> 00:15:37.960 where I can really begin to confess things that I don't have anybody else I can talk to about. 00:15:38.139 --> 00:15:39.720 I want to be able to go deeper with you. 00:15:39.960 --> 00:15:43.419 I want to be able to trust that you're going to take my spiritual life seriously, 00:15:43.419 --> 00:15:44.720 and I want to take yours seriously. 00:15:44.799 --> 00:15:46.899 I want us to encourage one another in our faith. 00:15:46.899 --> 00:15:51.439 It's that kind of covenant commitment that we've lost in the church. 00:15:52.180 --> 00:15:55.300 Wesley Hill wrote a brilliant book about this called Spiritual Friendship. 00:15:55.620 --> 00:15:56.000 And in it, 00:15:56.060 --> 00:15:56.440 he says, 00:15:56.520 --> 00:15:56.660 you know, 00:15:56.700 --> 00:15:58.440 the church is full of people who, 00:15:58.660 --> 00:15:59.840 for a variety of reasons, 00:16:00.160 --> 00:16:01.400 will not get married. 00:16:01.520 --> 00:16:03.000 Or they got married and they got divorced, 00:16:03.100 --> 00:16:04.280 and they're not going to remarry. 00:16:04.560 --> 00:16:05.380 But for whatever reason, 00:16:05.440 --> 00:16:06.380 there are a lot of people in the church 00:16:06.380 --> 00:16:08.080 who are not going to have a nuclear family. 00:16:08.160 --> 00:16:08.980 They're not going to have a marriage. 00:16:09.180 --> 00:16:09.540 And he says, 00:16:09.600 --> 00:16:10.540 what has the church done? 00:16:11.380 --> 00:16:11.680 Well, 00:16:11.700 --> 00:16:13.600 we've put marriage on this massive pedestal. 00:16:14.240 --> 00:16:15.120 And we've said, 00:16:15.279 --> 00:16:15.440 well, 00:16:15.519 --> 00:16:17.279 here's the ideal context for intimacy. 00:16:17.639 --> 00:16:20.120 And unless you can attain this thing up here, 00:16:20.279 --> 00:16:21.779 there's really not much hope for you. 00:16:22.220 --> 00:16:22.340 You know, 00:16:22.360 --> 00:16:23.659 if you can't get here, 00:16:23.759 --> 00:16:24.259 then intimacy, 00:16:24.480 --> 00:16:24.659 well, 00:16:24.980 --> 00:16:25.180 you know, 00:16:25.320 --> 00:16:26.659 the singles ministry is fun. 00:16:27.279 --> 00:16:29.180 But there's no real hope offered. 00:16:29.759 --> 00:16:32.580 And that's entirely the fault of the church. 00:16:33.159 --> 00:16:34.080 And what we need to do, 00:16:34.159 --> 00:16:36.080 I'm not saying we shouldn't honor marriage, 00:16:36.139 --> 00:16:37.779 but we need to bring it down off the pedestal. 00:16:38.420 --> 00:16:40.680 And this is the core contention of Hill's book. 00:16:40.679 --> 00:16:46.279 We need to equally celebrate the value of covenant friendship. 00:16:46.419 --> 00:16:47.359 Even if you are married, 00:16:47.500 --> 00:16:48.779 you need friends like this. 00:16:48.819 --> 00:16:50.539 Because marriage cannot survive in a vacuum. 00:16:51.679 --> 00:16:54.559 And so the first place to seek out this kind of exclusive intimacy 00:16:54.559 --> 00:16:57.639 is in your friendships. 00:16:58.539 --> 00:17:01.399 Prayerfully setting aside one or two people. 00:17:01.500 --> 00:17:01.620 Now, 00:17:01.859 --> 00:17:04.919 there's a reason that you don't come to a small group gathering with 20 people 00:17:04.919 --> 00:17:06.720 and share all of your deepest, 00:17:06.879 --> 00:17:07.460 darkest secrets. 00:17:07.980 --> 00:17:10.200 Because you have intimacy without exclusivity. 00:17:11.259 --> 00:17:11.440 Right? 00:17:11.580 --> 00:17:13.140 And people get freaked out. 00:17:13.220 --> 00:17:14.120 They don't know how to handle it. 00:17:14.180 --> 00:17:15.259 There's not enough trust built. 00:17:15.340 --> 00:17:16.420 There's not enough commitment there. 00:17:16.840 --> 00:17:18.560 And so people come and they overshare. 00:17:19.019 --> 00:17:20.480 And it does a lot of harm in groups. 00:17:21.640 --> 00:17:24.380 You need one or two people with whom there's a commitment. 00:17:24.580 --> 00:17:24.680 Right? 00:17:24.740 --> 00:17:25.039 Remember, 00:17:25.180 --> 00:17:26.660 exclusivity has to come first. 00:17:27.019 --> 00:17:29.600 And then you can begin to build intimacy. 00:17:30.500 --> 00:17:32.340 So it needs to exist in friendships. 00:17:32.340 --> 00:17:33.560 For those who are dating, 00:17:33.740 --> 00:17:34.519 I'll say this, 00:17:34.580 --> 00:17:36.860 if you're dating or hanging out or spending time with somebody, 00:17:36.859 --> 00:17:40.639 exclusivity must come before intimacy. 00:17:41.380 --> 00:17:42.100 So if you're, 00:17:42.180 --> 00:17:44.300 you're with somebody and they're saying things like, 00:17:44.620 --> 00:17:44.840 well, 00:17:44.860 --> 00:17:46.180 I just don't like labels. 00:17:46.880 --> 00:17:49.100 I just prefer not to really define things. 00:17:49.140 --> 00:17:50.140 I just like to kind of see. 00:17:50.300 --> 00:17:52.880 And there's a Christian version of it where I just don't think that we should 00:17:52.880 --> 00:17:54.040 force the spirit. 00:17:54.039 --> 00:17:55.119 I think that we should just, 00:17:55.519 --> 00:17:55.799 you know, 00:17:55.879 --> 00:17:57.539 just trust the Lord that, 00:17:57.659 --> 00:18:00.980 that the Lord will lead us and just see what happens and why label it? 00:18:01.019 --> 00:18:02.079 That just feels so artificial. 00:18:02.079 --> 00:18:04.259 And I just want something much more authentic with you. 00:18:04.279 --> 00:18:04.899 And I just feel like, 00:18:05.000 --> 00:18:06.119 let's just let this be, 00:18:06.680 --> 00:18:06.960 you know, 00:18:07.059 --> 00:18:09.039 all of that is code. 00:18:09.619 --> 00:18:10.899 All of that is code. 00:18:10.899 --> 00:18:11.159 And, 00:18:11.200 --> 00:18:11.680 and what it, 00:18:11.759 --> 00:18:14.740 what it translates into in English is, 00:18:14.960 --> 00:18:15.519 um, 00:18:15.899 --> 00:18:18.079 I'm not yet ready to say, 00:18:18.920 --> 00:18:23.079 I'm not yet ready to guarantee that I'll stick around. 00:18:23.079 --> 00:18:27.000 If I see something or encounter something that I don't like, 00:18:27.000 --> 00:18:29.699 as you open your life to me, 00:18:29.699 --> 00:18:33.139 I'm not yet ready to say that I'm not going to run. 00:18:34.220 --> 00:18:35.839 So let's just keep it casual. 00:18:36.000 --> 00:18:37.019 That's what that's really saying. 00:18:37.039 --> 00:18:38.839 And what it really means is I'm not a safe person. 00:18:39.659 --> 00:18:42.439 And so you can continue hanging out with that person all you want, 00:18:42.559 --> 00:18:44.000 but do not get intimate with them. 00:18:45.079 --> 00:18:47.659 Keep them at a distance because it's not a safe person. 00:18:49.480 --> 00:18:50.919 So for married couples, 00:18:51.000 --> 00:18:52.539 the last thing I'll say before we move on, 00:18:53.079 --> 00:18:56.759 exclusivity isn't just a relationship status. 00:18:57.579 --> 00:19:00.480 Exclusivity continues in your marriage as a habit of mind. 00:19:00.559 --> 00:19:01.419 Even if you get married, 00:19:01.519 --> 00:19:01.980 even if you're, 00:19:02.279 --> 00:19:02.419 you know, 00:19:02.460 --> 00:19:02.599 you, 00:19:02.599 --> 00:19:04.879 you go on and you kind of have the ring and you have the marriage 00:19:04.879 --> 00:19:05.799 certificate and all that. 00:19:06.779 --> 00:19:08.259 Exclusivity is a habit of mind. 00:19:08.599 --> 00:19:08.819 Uh, 00:19:08.819 --> 00:19:10.419 it's the virtue of fidelity. 00:19:11.639 --> 00:19:12.980 Exclusivity begins in here. 00:19:13.740 --> 00:19:17.899 It begins by deciding when I get on the Metro and go to work, 00:19:17.900 --> 00:19:21.200 I'm not going to check out and fantasize about the person across the way. 00:19:22.120 --> 00:19:22.320 Um, 00:19:22.360 --> 00:19:22.660 it's, 00:19:22.759 --> 00:19:23.920 it's a habit of mind that, 00:19:24.000 --> 00:19:24.140 that, 00:19:24.340 --> 00:19:27.440 that cultivates an inward devotion to the person that you're with. 00:19:27.920 --> 00:19:28.880 And then you know what? 00:19:28.900 --> 00:19:30.460 If you want to build intimacy in your marriage, 00:19:30.500 --> 00:19:36.019 a great way to do it is to find creative ways to regularly affirm your 00:19:36.019 --> 00:19:37.560 exclusivity with your spouse, 00:19:37.560 --> 00:19:41.320 to regularly remind them you're a lily among brambles. 00:19:41.319 --> 00:19:42.559 There's no one like you, 00:19:43.240 --> 00:19:43.980 right? 00:19:44.059 --> 00:19:46.939 So exclusivity has to come before intimacy. 00:19:47.319 --> 00:19:48.339 It's very important. 00:19:48.419 --> 00:19:49.259 That's our first point. 00:19:50.240 --> 00:19:51.899 Now we're going to move on into, 00:19:51.899 --> 00:19:52.819 uh, 00:19:52.839 --> 00:19:54.599 the next section beginning with verse eight. 00:19:54.700 --> 00:19:55.639 So let's go one more. 00:19:56.599 --> 00:19:58.000 Now look at what happens. 00:19:58.299 --> 00:19:59.679 This is the woman speaking. 00:19:59.919 --> 00:20:00.339 Now, 00:20:00.460 --> 00:20:00.679 now, 00:20:00.779 --> 00:20:01.119 you know, 00:20:01.119 --> 00:20:02.379 we've kind of shifted settings. 00:20:02.379 --> 00:20:03.500 Now imagine she's, 00:20:03.759 --> 00:20:04.460 it's night. 00:20:04.619 --> 00:20:05.679 She's in her house. 00:20:05.839 --> 00:20:07.319 There are maybe some other women with her, 00:20:07.379 --> 00:20:09.099 maybe people she lives with or her family. 00:20:09.200 --> 00:20:11.299 And she hears something outside and she's like, 00:20:11.299 --> 00:20:11.559 she says, 00:20:11.639 --> 00:20:14.159 the voice of my beloved behold, 00:20:14.299 --> 00:20:16.299 he comes leaping over the mountains, 00:20:16.460 --> 00:20:17.480 bounding over the hills. 00:20:17.639 --> 00:20:20.359 My beloved is like a gazelle or a young stag. 00:20:20.919 --> 00:20:21.240 Behold, 00:20:21.339 --> 00:20:23.099 there he stands behind our wall, 00:20:23.480 --> 00:20:24.519 gazing through the windows, 00:20:24.859 --> 00:20:25.859 looking through the lattice. 00:20:26.039 --> 00:20:27.639 Now it sounds like he's a creeper. 00:20:28.079 --> 00:20:28.259 You know, 00:20:28.279 --> 00:20:29.240 it sounds like he's, 00:20:29.700 --> 00:20:30.139 and it's, 00:20:30.220 --> 00:20:31.639 that's exactly what's happening. 00:20:31.639 --> 00:20:33.319 He's standing outside and he's, 00:20:33.359 --> 00:20:36.759 he's looking in through the windows to her house. 00:20:36.940 --> 00:20:37.419 Right? 00:20:37.740 --> 00:20:38.000 But, 00:20:38.079 --> 00:20:39.000 and it sounds creepy, 00:20:39.000 --> 00:20:39.859 but there, 00:20:39.940 --> 00:20:41.279 there's a metaphor that's, 00:20:41.279 --> 00:20:42.819 that's unfolding here. 00:20:42.900 --> 00:20:43.960 We'll explain it in just a minute. 00:20:44.420 --> 00:20:45.380 So she says, 00:20:45.440 --> 00:20:47.039 my beloved speaks and says to me, 00:20:47.059 --> 00:20:49.619 so he's sort of speaking to her through the window. 00:20:50.200 --> 00:20:51.400 And here's what he says. 00:20:52.660 --> 00:20:53.099 Arise, 00:20:53.200 --> 00:20:53.640 my love, 00:20:53.740 --> 00:20:54.579 my beautiful one, 00:20:54.700 --> 00:20:55.619 and come away. 00:20:56.000 --> 00:20:56.619 For behold, 00:20:56.700 --> 00:20:57.579 the winter has passed. 00:20:57.759 --> 00:20:59.099 The rain is over and gone. 00:20:59.279 --> 00:21:00.839 The flowers appear on the earth. 00:21:01.000 --> 00:21:02.619 The time of singing has come. 00:21:02.619 --> 00:21:05.259 And the voice of the turtle dove is heard in our land. 00:21:05.640 --> 00:21:08.539 The fig tree ripens its figs and the vines are in blossom. 00:21:08.900 --> 00:21:10.220 They give forth fragrance. 00:21:11.220 --> 00:21:11.619 Arise, 00:21:11.740 --> 00:21:12.099 my love, 00:21:12.160 --> 00:21:12.879 my beautiful one, 00:21:12.900 --> 00:21:13.579 and come away. 00:21:14.019 --> 00:21:14.180 Oh, 00:21:14.220 --> 00:21:14.759 my dove, 00:21:14.839 --> 00:21:15.859 in the clefts of the rocks, 00:21:16.079 --> 00:21:17.339 in the crannies of the cliff, 00:21:17.660 --> 00:21:19.019 let me see your face. 00:21:19.400 --> 00:21:20.700 Let me hear your voice. 00:21:20.980 --> 00:21:24.240 For your voice is sweet and your face is lovely. 00:21:25.720 --> 00:21:26.819 Let's go to the next slide. 00:21:28.140 --> 00:21:28.359 Now, 00:21:28.420 --> 00:21:29.700 here's how she responds. 00:21:29.700 --> 00:21:30.759 He says all of that. 00:21:31.039 --> 00:21:31.460 Come out. 00:21:31.599 --> 00:21:32.039 Let's go. 00:21:32.160 --> 00:21:32.799 Let's hang out. 00:21:33.000 --> 00:21:33.619 Come outside. 00:21:33.859 --> 00:21:35.000 Let's go have an adventure together. 00:21:36.200 --> 00:21:36.799 And she says, 00:21:36.900 --> 00:21:38.140 catch the foxes for us. 00:21:38.359 --> 00:21:40.200 The little foxes that spoil the vineyards. 00:21:40.559 --> 00:21:41.799 For our vineyards are in blossom. 00:21:43.480 --> 00:21:44.339 What's she saying? 00:21:45.779 --> 00:21:46.920 Let's pull this out. 00:21:47.460 --> 00:21:48.599 Point number two about intimacy. 00:21:49.000 --> 00:21:49.619 Point number one, 00:21:49.700 --> 00:21:51.879 intimacy requires exclusivity. 00:21:52.140 --> 00:21:52.819 Point number two, 00:21:53.619 --> 00:21:56.240 intimacy requires healthy confrontation. 00:21:58.119 --> 00:21:59.039 Healthy confrontation. 00:21:59.819 --> 00:22:00.759 Here's what's happening. 00:22:00.759 --> 00:22:03.059 He comes down. 00:22:04.059 --> 00:22:05.640 He looks in through the window, 00:22:06.000 --> 00:22:06.480 sees her, 00:22:06.940 --> 00:22:08.740 starts trying to convince her to come outside, 00:22:09.299 --> 00:22:11.700 saying anything he can possibly think of to get her to come outside. 00:22:11.799 --> 00:22:12.140 Come on. 00:22:12.200 --> 00:22:12.539 Let's go. 00:22:12.640 --> 00:22:13.240 Let's have fun. 00:22:13.539 --> 00:22:13.720 Let's, 00:22:14.400 --> 00:22:14.539 you know, 00:22:14.579 --> 00:22:15.559 he wants intimacy. 00:22:15.720 --> 00:22:16.640 He wants to be with her. 00:22:17.500 --> 00:22:19.599 And he doesn't want any walls between them. 00:22:19.859 --> 00:22:22.660 And he's trying to get her to come out and make herself totally, 00:22:22.660 --> 00:22:24.960 totally vulnerable to him. 00:22:25.640 --> 00:22:27.259 And her response is to say, 00:22:27.420 --> 00:22:27.640 well, 00:22:27.940 --> 00:22:29.000 before I come out, 00:22:29.200 --> 00:22:30.559 you need to deal with the foxes. 00:22:31.759 --> 00:22:32.039 Now, 00:22:32.100 --> 00:22:32.819 what are foxes? 00:22:33.860 --> 00:22:34.299 Well, 00:22:35.039 --> 00:22:36.900 we think of foxes as kind of cute, 00:22:37.059 --> 00:22:37.740 crafty, 00:22:38.059 --> 00:22:38.420 you know, 00:22:39.059 --> 00:22:39.819 critters that are, 00:22:40.039 --> 00:22:40.299 you know, 00:22:40.420 --> 00:22:42.900 even protagonists of cartoons that we like. 00:22:43.000 --> 00:22:43.120 I mean, 00:22:43.200 --> 00:22:43.340 they're, 00:22:43.600 --> 00:22:43.759 you know, 00:22:43.840 --> 00:22:45.840 fox is a positive connotation. 00:22:46.160 --> 00:22:46.860 But for, 00:22:47.019 --> 00:22:47.680 for them, 00:22:47.680 --> 00:22:48.600 in this context, 00:22:48.880 --> 00:22:50.720 a fox was a hated pest. 00:22:51.700 --> 00:22:52.100 So, 00:22:52.259 --> 00:22:52.680 in D.C., 00:22:52.680 --> 00:22:53.840 we would think of rats, 00:22:54.380 --> 00:22:54.579 right? 00:22:54.579 --> 00:22:58.939 They would sneak into the vineyards and steal all the grapes and tear the plants up. 00:22:59.259 --> 00:22:59.359 You know, 00:22:59.399 --> 00:23:01.139 I had a garden years ago, 00:23:01.279 --> 00:23:04.819 and I remember catching rats coming in and out of my garden, 00:23:04.939 --> 00:23:07.539 eating everything before I could get out there and pick it. 00:23:07.619 --> 00:23:11.319 And that's essentially the image that's being painted for us here. 00:23:11.720 --> 00:23:13.220 You've got to deal with those pests. 00:23:13.980 --> 00:23:14.359 So, 00:23:14.439 --> 00:23:16.359 here's the metaphor of this section. 00:23:17.679 --> 00:23:19.859 Your relationship is like a vineyard. 00:23:21.079 --> 00:23:24.379 And you're co-owners of that vineyard. 00:23:24.380 --> 00:23:27.260 And the relationship, 00:23:27.480 --> 00:23:28.020 like a vineyard, 00:23:28.120 --> 00:23:29.060 produces fruit. 00:23:30.160 --> 00:23:31.820 It produces lots of fruit, 00:23:32.200 --> 00:23:32.820 like joy, 00:23:33.400 --> 00:23:35.240 like mutual support and encouragement, 00:23:35.840 --> 00:23:37.280 like solidarity, 00:23:37.820 --> 00:23:38.380 like unity, 00:23:38.900 --> 00:23:39.380 strength, 00:23:39.840 --> 00:23:39.960 right? 00:23:40.060 --> 00:23:40.900 Shared purpose, 00:23:41.320 --> 00:23:42.140 enjoyment, 00:23:42.420 --> 00:23:42.640 right? 00:23:42.640 --> 00:23:47.020 There's lots of fruit that is produced from good relationships. 00:23:47.540 --> 00:23:48.120 And she says, 00:23:48.320 --> 00:23:50.660 but there are issues in the relationship that, 00:23:50.820 --> 00:23:52.060 and these are the foxes, 00:23:52.280 --> 00:23:55.900 and those issues are robbing us of the fruit of our relationship. 00:23:56.020 --> 00:23:57.060 They're robbing us of joy. 00:23:57.140 --> 00:23:58.140 They're robbing us of unity. 00:23:58.320 --> 00:23:59.980 And until we deal with those issues, 00:24:00.720 --> 00:24:01.560 I'm not coming out. 00:24:01.559 --> 00:24:02.119 Now, 00:24:03.359 --> 00:24:04.720 I think this is very interesting, 00:24:04.720 --> 00:24:09.339 because there's lots of ways it can apply to our lives. 00:24:09.720 --> 00:24:12.179 Foxes are the little things, 00:24:12.460 --> 00:24:13.759 the recurring issues, 00:24:13.899 --> 00:24:16.099 that rob us of the fruit of our relationship. 00:24:16.299 --> 00:24:16.960 A lot of times, 00:24:17.000 --> 00:24:17.500 it can just be, 00:24:17.619 --> 00:24:18.000 in marriages, 00:24:18.299 --> 00:24:19.639 tension over chores. 00:24:20.940 --> 00:24:21.879 Early in our marriage, 00:24:21.940 --> 00:24:22.839 we've been married 10 years. 00:24:23.000 --> 00:24:24.399 My wife's named Laura. 00:24:24.539 --> 00:24:25.460 And early in our marriage, 00:24:25.460 --> 00:24:30.559 we worked out that I would be the one on Tuesday nights to roll the trash cans out to the road, 00:24:30.640 --> 00:24:32.759 so that the garbage people could pick them up on Wednesday. 00:24:32.980 --> 00:24:33.980 So that was our agreement. 00:24:34.200 --> 00:24:35.860 And then I just kept forgetting to do it. 00:24:36.240 --> 00:24:36.779 So it would, 00:24:36.860 --> 00:24:37.039 you know, 00:24:37.059 --> 00:24:37.680 get to be 10, 00:24:37.740 --> 00:24:37.980 30, 00:24:38.059 --> 00:24:38.340 11, 00:24:38.420 --> 00:24:38.640 11, 00:24:38.740 --> 00:24:38.960 30. 00:24:39.000 --> 00:24:39.700 And Laura would say, 00:24:39.840 --> 00:24:41.420 you forgot to roll out the trash cans. 00:24:41.500 --> 00:24:42.539 And I would be about, 00:24:42.539 --> 00:24:43.440 you know, 00:24:43.559 --> 00:24:45.380 about collapsing sleep. 00:24:45.380 --> 00:24:46.340 And I would get angry. 00:24:46.380 --> 00:24:46.660 And I'd be like, 00:24:46.740 --> 00:24:47.240 oh, 00:24:47.759 --> 00:24:48.819 and I would kind of put my shoes on. 00:24:48.860 --> 00:24:49.779 I'd say something grumpy, 00:24:49.860 --> 00:24:51.640 and I'd stomp outside and like, 00:24:51.680 --> 00:24:51.840 you know, 00:24:51.840 --> 00:24:52.960 roll the trash cans out, 00:24:52.960 --> 00:24:55.840 just letting the world know how angry I was, 00:24:55.880 --> 00:24:56.120 you know. 00:24:56.240 --> 00:24:59.440 And then she would resent the fact that I hadn't done it on my own. 00:24:59.460 --> 00:25:01.460 And I would resent the fact that I was about asleep, 00:25:01.519 --> 00:25:03.120 and I now have to go out in the cold and do it. 00:25:03.319 --> 00:25:04.660 And it would rob us of joy. 00:25:05.279 --> 00:25:06.460 We were having a great night, 00:25:06.500 --> 00:25:07.579 and it would just rob us of joy. 00:25:07.640 --> 00:25:09.000 We'd go to bed annoyed at each other. 00:25:09.460 --> 00:25:10.539 Now that happens once, 00:25:10.620 --> 00:25:11.120 no big deal. 00:25:11.200 --> 00:25:11.460 Twice, 00:25:11.559 --> 00:25:11.980 no big deal. 00:25:12.039 --> 00:25:13.019 That happens a few times, 00:25:13.079 --> 00:25:13.559 no big deal. 00:25:13.680 --> 00:25:14.779 But it just kept happening. 00:25:15.360 --> 00:25:16.200 It just kept happening. 00:25:16.600 --> 00:25:20.100 And it just became this thing that would just rob us of joy on Tuesday night. 00:25:20.779 --> 00:25:21.620 And then one day, 00:25:21.660 --> 00:25:22.940 it was as though God said to me, 00:25:23.700 --> 00:25:25.039 do you love your wife? 00:25:25.759 --> 00:25:26.460 And I said, 00:25:26.559 --> 00:25:26.840 yeah. 00:25:27.779 --> 00:25:28.299 And he said, 00:25:28.500 --> 00:25:29.819 take out the trash. 00:25:30.100 --> 00:25:31.000 And I got it. 00:25:31.039 --> 00:25:31.860 And I began to realize, 00:25:32.000 --> 00:25:32.420 guess what? 00:25:32.500 --> 00:25:33.120 Here's the secret. 00:25:33.740 --> 00:25:35.100 It's not about the trash. 00:25:35.900 --> 00:25:37.600 It's not actually about the trash. 00:25:38.120 --> 00:25:43.579 What's really going on is that when I'm willing to set a phone alarm, 00:25:44.120 --> 00:25:48.460 or write a note to myself to remember to take out the trash on Tuesday night, 00:25:48.460 --> 00:25:51.279 without there even being a conversation between us, 00:25:51.279 --> 00:25:56.799 what I'm conveying actually is that I am invested in our common home life together. 00:25:57.440 --> 00:25:58.660 I'm conveying to her, 00:25:58.779 --> 00:26:01.059 you're not the only one worrying about our house. 00:26:01.379 --> 00:26:03.139 I'm actually invested as well. 00:26:03.740 --> 00:26:04.240 And you know, 00:26:04.240 --> 00:26:05.519 what I began to realize is, 00:26:05.759 --> 00:26:06.720 I can say, 00:26:06.920 --> 00:26:07.480 I love you, 00:26:08.220 --> 00:26:09.339 but the words, 00:26:09.460 --> 00:26:10.000 I love you, 00:26:10.059 --> 00:26:12.339 don't actually make my wife feel loved. 00:26:12.779 --> 00:26:13.120 Really. 00:26:13.359 --> 00:26:13.620 I mean, 00:26:13.640 --> 00:26:14.240 they kind of do, 00:26:14.299 --> 00:26:14.880 but not really. 00:26:15.160 --> 00:26:15.880 Just words. 00:26:15.880 --> 00:26:17.840 But what I realized is, 00:26:17.940 --> 00:26:20.420 in the exchange rate of our marriage, 00:26:21.580 --> 00:26:22.700 one Tuesday, 00:26:22.900 --> 00:26:25.120 where I come home and roll out the trash cans, 00:26:25.320 --> 00:26:28.660 is worth about 10,000 verbal I love you's. 00:26:29.240 --> 00:26:31.200 The exchange rate is obscene. 00:26:32.120 --> 00:26:33.420 And so I just began to realize, 00:26:33.560 --> 00:26:35.080 if I actually love my wife, 00:26:35.720 --> 00:26:37.100 if I actually love my wife, 00:26:37.320 --> 00:26:38.600 I just need to set a phone alarm, 00:26:38.740 --> 00:26:39.780 and take out the trash. 00:26:40.120 --> 00:26:40.540 And she's, 00:26:40.740 --> 00:26:41.100 guess what? 00:26:41.100 --> 00:26:42.460 Going to actually feel loved. 00:26:43.019 --> 00:26:43.220 So, 00:26:43.500 --> 00:26:44.740 we dealt with the fox. 00:26:44.799 --> 00:26:45.279 In that case, 00:26:45.299 --> 00:26:46.240 it was setting a phone alarm. 00:26:46.279 --> 00:26:47.279 But there are these issues, 00:26:47.279 --> 00:26:48.600 that recur and recur and recur. 00:26:48.779 --> 00:26:50.240 And we need to deal with them, 00:26:50.259 --> 00:26:51.140 if we want to have intimacy. 00:26:52.039 --> 00:26:52.420 So, 00:26:52.519 --> 00:26:53.299 it could be, 00:26:53.400 --> 00:26:54.420 something more serious. 00:26:54.519 --> 00:26:56.220 It could be an ongoing lack of forgiveness. 00:26:58.240 --> 00:26:59.059 Some people, 00:26:59.860 --> 00:27:00.900 keep lists, 00:27:01.100 --> 00:27:01.720 mental lists. 00:27:02.480 --> 00:27:03.819 There's that thing that you did, 00:27:04.500 --> 00:27:05.380 six years ago. 00:27:05.799 --> 00:27:07.180 And I'm never going to let you forget it. 00:27:07.519 --> 00:27:08.480 And every time we fight, 00:27:08.480 --> 00:27:09.299 I'm going to bring it up. 00:27:09.779 --> 00:27:09.860 Right? 00:27:09.920 --> 00:27:10.559 That's a fox. 00:27:10.640 --> 00:27:11.720 That's an unresolved issue. 00:27:12.460 --> 00:27:14.019 It could be a cycle that plays out, 00:27:14.039 --> 00:27:15.000 an emotional cycle, 00:27:15.000 --> 00:27:15.880 in your relationship. 00:27:16.579 --> 00:27:16.740 You know, 00:27:16.819 --> 00:27:17.200 maybe, 00:27:17.360 --> 00:27:17.840 maybe, 00:27:18.079 --> 00:27:19.380 she, 00:27:19.579 --> 00:27:21.120 hates it, 00:27:21.460 --> 00:27:23.259 when she feels disconnected to him. 00:27:23.620 --> 00:27:24.340 And maybe, 00:27:24.640 --> 00:27:27.039 maybe whenever he starts to get distant, 00:27:27.220 --> 00:27:28.620 or seem like he's checking out, 00:27:29.120 --> 00:27:30.799 maybe she responds out of fear, 00:27:31.319 --> 00:27:32.980 and she becomes critical, 00:27:33.900 --> 00:27:36.039 to try to motivate him, 00:27:36.559 --> 00:27:37.259 to re-engage. 00:27:38.220 --> 00:27:38.900 And maybe, 00:27:39.120 --> 00:27:40.140 on the flip side, 00:27:40.319 --> 00:27:41.660 the more he feels criticized, 00:27:41.660 --> 00:27:44.259 the more he disengages. 00:27:45.200 --> 00:27:45.779 And so, 00:27:45.940 --> 00:27:46.820 you have a cycle, 00:27:47.300 --> 00:27:47.920 of criticism, 00:27:48.060 --> 00:27:48.660 and disengagement, 00:27:48.800 --> 00:27:49.380 and disengagement, 00:27:49.480 --> 00:27:49.860 and criticism, 00:27:50.040 --> 00:27:50.400 and criticism, 00:27:50.540 --> 00:27:51.080 and disengagement. 00:27:51.279 --> 00:27:52.200 And it's driven what? 00:27:52.259 --> 00:27:53.200 It's driven by fear. 00:27:53.660 --> 00:27:54.700 It's driven by hurt. 00:27:55.000 --> 00:27:56.180 It's driven by insecurity. 00:27:56.560 --> 00:27:57.440 That's a cycle. 00:27:58.100 --> 00:27:58.940 It's a fox. 00:27:59.160 --> 00:28:00.440 It's robbing you of fruit. 00:28:00.560 --> 00:28:01.600 You need to deal with that. 00:28:01.779 --> 00:28:01.960 Now, 00:28:02.000 --> 00:28:02.660 some of these issues, 00:28:02.740 --> 00:28:04.000 we can deal with on our own, 00:28:04.060 --> 00:28:04.880 and some we need to go, 00:28:04.960 --> 00:28:05.880 and find a good counselor, 00:28:06.000 --> 00:28:06.440 and deal with them. 00:28:06.540 --> 00:28:07.240 But the point is, 00:28:07.240 --> 00:28:08.320 they need to be dealt with. 00:28:08.319 --> 00:28:10.759 If you want to build intimacy, 00:28:10.759 --> 00:28:11.519 in your relationships, 00:28:11.679 --> 00:28:13.179 you have to catch the foxes. 00:28:14.539 --> 00:28:14.839 And, 00:28:14.960 --> 00:28:15.700 a relationship, 00:28:15.839 --> 00:28:16.779 where that is not happening, 00:28:16.879 --> 00:28:17.839 even if you're not fighting, 00:28:18.619 --> 00:28:20.399 that does not guarantee intimacy. 00:28:21.119 --> 00:28:22.059 If you're not dealing, 00:28:22.059 --> 00:28:22.679 with those issues, 00:28:22.759 --> 00:28:23.679 actually rooting them out, 00:28:23.740 --> 00:28:24.980 whether you're conflict avoidant, 00:28:25.000 --> 00:28:26.019 or more of a direct person, 00:28:26.139 --> 00:28:26.779 it doesn't matter. 00:28:26.839 --> 00:28:27.679 If you're not rooting them out, 00:28:27.819 --> 00:28:28.700 you don't have intimacy. 00:28:29.359 --> 00:28:30.039 You have, 00:28:30.159 --> 00:28:31.500 a temporary ceasefire. 00:28:32.460 --> 00:28:33.759 And there's a huge difference, 00:28:33.759 --> 00:28:34.779 between ceasefire, 00:28:35.079 --> 00:28:35.779 and intimacy. 00:28:35.779 --> 00:28:37.180 So, 00:28:37.240 --> 00:28:38.200 that's the second point. 00:28:38.639 --> 00:28:39.960 Intimacy requires, 00:28:40.119 --> 00:28:41.440 healthy confrontation, 00:28:41.799 --> 00:28:42.819 of the foxes, 00:28:42.980 --> 00:28:43.940 in your relationship. 00:28:44.339 --> 00:28:45.579 It's not you versus him, 00:28:45.660 --> 00:28:46.259 or her, 00:28:46.460 --> 00:28:46.579 or, 00:28:46.940 --> 00:28:47.160 you know, 00:28:47.240 --> 00:28:47.680 it's not, 00:28:48.539 --> 00:28:50.259 together you need to problem solve, 00:28:50.359 --> 00:28:50.839 those issues. 00:28:51.779 --> 00:28:52.680 That's the second point. 00:28:53.440 --> 00:28:54.220 Third point, 00:28:54.279 --> 00:28:54.859 we're going to get into, 00:28:55.000 --> 00:28:56.160 this really interesting section, 00:28:57.059 --> 00:28:58.759 where she has a dream. 00:28:58.960 --> 00:28:59.160 So, 00:28:59.359 --> 00:29:00.539 let's move to verse 16. 00:29:01.220 --> 00:29:02.599 My beloved is mine, 00:29:02.639 --> 00:29:03.379 and I am his. 00:29:03.639 --> 00:29:05.119 He grazes among the lilies, 00:29:05.119 --> 00:29:06.599 until the day breathes, 00:29:06.639 --> 00:29:07.500 and the shadows flee, 00:29:07.639 --> 00:29:08.500 turn my beloved. 00:29:08.859 --> 00:29:09.779 Be like a gazelle, 00:29:09.839 --> 00:29:10.719 or a young stag, 00:29:11.019 --> 00:29:11.939 on cleft mountains. 00:29:12.399 --> 00:29:12.659 So, 00:29:12.819 --> 00:29:14.359 she's wanting to spend, 00:29:14.459 --> 00:29:15.579 all night with him, 00:29:15.639 --> 00:29:15.859 right? 00:29:16.000 --> 00:29:17.019 Be like a gazelle, 00:29:17.119 --> 00:29:17.959 on cleft mountains. 00:29:18.079 --> 00:29:19.579 I'm not going to unpack that too much, 00:29:19.619 --> 00:29:20.539 but essentially she's saying, 00:29:20.879 --> 00:29:21.439 I want you to, 00:29:21.479 --> 00:29:22.679 to be like a gazelle, 00:29:22.779 --> 00:29:24.779 on the mountains of my physique. 00:29:25.739 --> 00:29:27.259 And then we get into, 00:29:27.359 --> 00:29:28.539 so that's in actuality, 00:29:28.559 --> 00:29:29.059 what's happening. 00:29:29.299 --> 00:29:29.899 They're together, 00:29:30.099 --> 00:29:31.119 they're wanting to spend the night, 00:29:31.199 --> 00:29:32.000 it's incredibly intimate, 00:29:32.159 --> 00:29:33.339 she's sexually attracted to him, 00:29:33.379 --> 00:29:33.939 and vice versa. 00:29:33.940 --> 00:29:34.900 But then, 00:29:35.200 --> 00:29:35.960 look what happens. 00:29:36.759 --> 00:29:37.720 On my bed by night, 00:29:37.900 --> 00:29:38.580 I sought him, 00:29:38.660 --> 00:29:39.559 whom my soul loves. 00:29:39.799 --> 00:29:40.559 I sought him, 00:29:40.779 --> 00:29:41.640 but found him not. 00:29:41.900 --> 00:29:42.299 Commentators, 00:29:42.519 --> 00:29:43.500 a lot of commentators agree, 00:29:43.620 --> 00:29:45.080 that this is a dream sequence. 00:29:45.519 --> 00:29:46.400 So she falls asleep, 00:29:46.440 --> 00:29:47.259 and even though they're together, 00:29:47.620 --> 00:29:48.299 she falls asleep, 00:29:48.360 --> 00:29:49.180 and has a nightmare, 00:29:49.440 --> 00:29:50.140 that she wakes up, 00:29:50.180 --> 00:29:51.160 and he's nowhere to be found. 00:29:53.019 --> 00:29:54.140 I rise now, 00:29:54.200 --> 00:29:55.100 and go about the city, 00:29:55.180 --> 00:29:55.700 in the streets, 00:29:55.759 --> 00:29:56.380 and in the squares. 00:29:56.620 --> 00:29:57.480 I will seek him, 00:29:57.519 --> 00:29:58.460 whom my soul loves. 00:29:58.580 --> 00:29:59.360 I sought him, 00:29:59.460 --> 00:30:00.420 but found him not. 00:30:00.740 --> 00:30:01.980 The watchmen found me, 00:30:02.019 --> 00:30:03.059 as they went about the city. 00:30:04.039 --> 00:30:05.139 Have you seen him, 00:30:05.220 --> 00:30:06.240 whom my soul loves? 00:30:06.839 --> 00:30:08.000 Scarcely had I passed them, 00:30:08.019 --> 00:30:08.839 when I found him, 00:30:08.919 --> 00:30:09.940 whom my soul loves. 00:30:10.460 --> 00:30:11.279 I held him, 00:30:11.399 --> 00:30:12.940 and would not let him go, 00:30:13.139 --> 00:30:14.159 until I had brought him, 00:30:14.200 --> 00:30:15.220 into my mother's house, 00:30:15.480 --> 00:30:16.720 and into the chamber of her, 00:30:16.799 --> 00:30:17.659 who conceived me. 00:30:17.879 --> 00:30:18.419 Now again, 00:30:18.559 --> 00:30:19.799 that sounds strange to us. 00:30:20.480 --> 00:30:21.099 Here's the room, 00:30:21.159 --> 00:30:21.879 where I was conceived. 00:30:22.119 --> 00:30:23.079 We don't normally do that, 00:30:23.119 --> 00:30:23.700 in relationships. 00:30:24.599 --> 00:30:25.339 Maybe you do, 00:30:25.339 --> 00:30:26.460 but that's not like a big thing, 00:30:26.539 --> 00:30:27.139 for most people. 00:30:28.140 --> 00:30:29.400 But in this situation, 00:30:29.500 --> 00:30:30.280 what she's saying is, 00:30:30.480 --> 00:30:31.620 when she finally finds him, 00:30:31.680 --> 00:30:33.140 she's so filled with fear, 00:30:33.180 --> 00:30:34.380 at the idea of losing him, 00:30:34.580 --> 00:30:35.120 that she says, 00:30:35.400 --> 00:30:36.480 I'm not going to let you go, 00:30:36.540 --> 00:30:37.440 until I know, 00:30:38.040 --> 00:30:39.080 that you will never, 00:30:39.220 --> 00:30:39.480 ever, 00:30:39.580 --> 00:30:40.200 ever leave. 00:30:40.640 --> 00:30:41.420 Until I know, 00:30:41.500 --> 00:30:42.500 that this is consummated, 00:30:42.600 --> 00:30:43.300 until I know, 00:30:43.420 --> 00:30:44.600 that we are sealed forever. 00:30:44.759 --> 00:30:45.680 That's what she's saying. 00:30:45.880 --> 00:30:46.940 I don't ever want to feel, 00:30:47.000 --> 00:30:47.580 that fear again. 00:30:48.400 --> 00:30:49.540 And this brings us, 00:30:49.540 --> 00:30:50.100 to the third, 00:30:50.200 --> 00:30:51.580 and I think one of the hardest things, 00:30:52.060 --> 00:30:52.860 that we'll say, 00:30:52.920 --> 00:30:53.700 over the course of the series, 00:30:53.800 --> 00:30:54.320 about intimacy. 00:30:54.319 --> 00:30:56.200 And that is this, 00:30:56.539 --> 00:30:57.759 that intimacy requires, 00:30:57.759 --> 00:30:58.759 vulnerability. 00:31:01.399 --> 00:31:03.059 Making yourself vulnerable, 00:31:03.720 --> 00:31:05.519 to pain, 00:31:06.539 --> 00:31:07.359 to loss. 00:31:09.079 --> 00:31:10.619 She wakes up terrified, 00:31:11.000 --> 00:31:11.639 she panics, 00:31:11.759 --> 00:31:12.759 she runs into the streets, 00:31:13.000 --> 00:31:13.980 she goes to the police, 00:31:14.099 --> 00:31:15.019 they haven't seen him. 00:31:15.659 --> 00:31:16.720 This is a manifestation, 00:31:17.500 --> 00:31:18.779 of a deep fear, 00:31:18.859 --> 00:31:19.819 residing in her. 00:31:20.179 --> 00:31:21.480 A fear that one day, 00:31:21.980 --> 00:31:23.059 she might lose him. 00:31:23.059 --> 00:31:24.980 And this is the hard truth, 00:31:25.220 --> 00:31:25.599 about intimacy, 00:31:25.819 --> 00:31:27.480 that everybody has to accept, 00:31:27.539 --> 00:31:28.319 if you want intimacy, 00:31:28.480 --> 00:31:28.919 in your life. 00:31:29.359 --> 00:31:30.099 Intimate relationships, 00:31:30.279 --> 00:31:31.059 carry with them, 00:31:31.220 --> 00:31:32.019 the possibility, 00:31:32.159 --> 00:31:33.019 of pain and loss. 00:31:35.879 --> 00:31:37.059 They go hand in hand. 00:31:37.240 --> 00:31:38.099 The more you care, 00:31:38.740 --> 00:31:40.200 the more some part of you knows, 00:31:40.319 --> 00:31:41.039 if anything happens, 00:31:41.119 --> 00:31:41.779 to this person, 00:31:42.079 --> 00:31:43.159 it will destroy me. 00:31:44.480 --> 00:31:45.960 C.S. Lewis famously says, 00:31:46.039 --> 00:31:46.740 in the Four Loves, 00:31:47.000 --> 00:31:48.119 to love at all, 00:31:48.200 --> 00:31:48.879 is to be vulnerable. 00:31:49.599 --> 00:31:50.379 Love anything, 00:31:50.480 --> 00:31:51.440 and your heart will be wrung, 00:31:51.500 --> 00:31:52.319 and possibly broken. 00:31:52.319 --> 00:31:54.460 So even the best friendship, 00:31:54.659 --> 00:31:55.639 or the best marriage, 00:31:56.519 --> 00:31:57.419 might fail you. 00:31:58.179 --> 00:32:00.200 Even the most well-intentioned person, 00:32:00.679 --> 00:32:01.779 might let you down. 00:32:02.480 --> 00:32:03.599 Even the healthiest, 00:32:03.839 --> 00:32:04.179 youngest, 00:32:04.419 --> 00:32:05.639 most active person, 00:32:06.119 --> 00:32:07.259 might unexpectedly, 00:32:07.559 --> 00:32:08.159 pass away. 00:32:09.779 --> 00:32:11.579 There's always the possibility, 00:32:11.919 --> 00:32:12.919 of pain and loss. 00:32:13.599 --> 00:32:14.379 And some people, 00:32:14.480 --> 00:32:15.599 simply cannot live, 00:32:15.679 --> 00:32:17.119 with that possibility. 00:32:17.319 --> 00:32:18.220 Some people cannot, 00:32:18.439 --> 00:32:19.240 handle it. 00:32:19.579 --> 00:32:20.700 And so people deal with it, 00:32:20.740 --> 00:32:21.439 in different ways. 00:32:22.160 --> 00:32:22.799 Some people, 00:32:23.000 --> 00:32:24.019 have intimate relationships, 00:32:24.200 --> 00:32:25.000 and they just deny, 00:32:25.100 --> 00:32:25.720 the reality. 00:32:26.380 --> 00:32:26.900 They just deny, 00:32:26.980 --> 00:32:28.259 the possibility of pain and loss. 00:32:28.680 --> 00:32:29.539 And so when it happens, 00:32:29.600 --> 00:32:31.200 it completely catches them off guard, 00:32:31.259 --> 00:32:32.160 because they like to live, 00:32:32.559 --> 00:32:32.940 assuming, 00:32:33.259 --> 00:32:34.059 well those kind of things, 00:32:34.120 --> 00:32:34.720 happen to other people, 00:32:34.779 --> 00:32:35.220 but not me. 00:32:35.320 --> 00:32:35.779 Not us. 00:32:35.779 --> 00:32:36.779 It could never happen to us. 00:32:38.360 --> 00:32:39.080 Some people, 00:32:39.220 --> 00:32:40.200 respond differently. 00:32:40.340 --> 00:32:40.720 Some people, 00:32:40.779 --> 00:32:41.820 avoid love and intimacy, 00:32:41.820 --> 00:32:42.299 altogether. 00:32:43.480 --> 00:32:44.100 And maybe, 00:32:44.299 --> 00:32:44.980 maybe we're, 00:32:45.160 --> 00:32:46.440 maybe this describes, 00:32:46.720 --> 00:32:47.460 some of us in this room. 00:32:47.539 --> 00:32:48.140 Some people just keep, 00:32:48.140 --> 00:32:49.120 everybody at arm's length. 00:32:50.060 --> 00:32:50.300 Maybe, 00:32:50.400 --> 00:32:51.560 maybe they even get married, 00:32:51.660 --> 00:32:52.380 but they never really, 00:32:52.380 --> 00:32:53.259 let people in. 00:32:53.580 --> 00:32:54.860 They never even let their spouse in. 00:32:55.240 --> 00:32:55.380 Right? 00:32:55.460 --> 00:32:56.420 Everybody stays out here. 00:32:56.540 --> 00:32:57.200 Because maybe, 00:32:57.200 --> 00:32:57.920 when you were young, 00:32:58.020 --> 00:32:58.280 maybe, 00:32:58.620 --> 00:33:00.259 a parent walked out on you. 00:33:00.380 --> 00:33:00.940 Or maybe, 00:33:01.200 --> 00:33:02.280 somebody that you loved, 00:33:02.320 --> 00:33:02.759 or cherished, 00:33:02.860 --> 00:33:03.780 maybe they died. 00:33:04.000 --> 00:33:04.640 Or maybe, 00:33:04.780 --> 00:33:05.660 a parent wasn't, 00:33:05.700 --> 00:33:06.300 the kind of parent, 00:33:06.360 --> 00:33:07.040 that they should have been. 00:33:07.100 --> 00:33:08.080 And maybe they hurt you. 00:33:09.220 --> 00:33:10.100 Whatever the case, 00:33:10.140 --> 00:33:11.140 you learned early on, 00:33:11.540 --> 00:33:12.800 I don't ever want, 00:33:12.860 --> 00:33:13.500 to feel that again. 00:33:14.500 --> 00:33:15.940 And so everybody stays out here. 00:33:16.079 --> 00:33:16.900 Nobody gets in. 00:33:17.039 --> 00:33:17.299 Because, 00:33:17.720 --> 00:33:18.640 I can't take that again. 00:33:19.940 --> 00:33:21.400 Some people respond that way. 00:33:21.779 --> 00:33:22.799 Then there are some people, 00:33:22.799 --> 00:33:24.740 who respond to this possibility of pain, 00:33:25.859 --> 00:33:26.599 by, 00:33:26.740 --> 00:33:27.339 by, 00:33:27.460 --> 00:33:29.640 becoming more, 00:33:29.759 --> 00:33:30.079 and more, 00:33:30.180 --> 00:33:31.119 and more controlling, 00:33:31.400 --> 00:33:32.039 and manipulative, 00:33:32.200 --> 00:33:33.339 in the relationships, 00:33:33.579 --> 00:33:34.519 with the people they love. 00:33:36.180 --> 00:33:36.960 They say, 00:33:37.140 --> 00:33:37.259 well, 00:33:37.299 --> 00:33:38.319 if I can coerce you, 00:33:38.400 --> 00:33:39.200 and manipulate you, 00:33:39.259 --> 00:33:40.240 and control you enough, 00:33:40.440 --> 00:33:41.559 then I can guarantee, 00:33:41.759 --> 00:33:42.599 that you'll never leave me, 00:33:42.619 --> 00:33:43.140 or hurt me. 00:33:43.980 --> 00:33:44.259 You know? 00:33:44.519 --> 00:33:45.880 And what often happens, 00:33:46.000 --> 00:33:46.299 sadly, 00:33:46.440 --> 00:33:46.700 is, 00:33:47.359 --> 00:33:48.579 they become so controlling, 00:33:48.680 --> 00:33:49.460 and so manipulative, 00:33:49.539 --> 00:33:50.980 that they drive those people away. 00:33:51.859 --> 00:33:53.079 And that reinforces, 00:33:53.079 --> 00:33:54.079 their fear of abandonment. 00:33:55.059 --> 00:33:55.299 You know? 00:33:55.680 --> 00:33:56.259 And so, 00:33:56.400 --> 00:33:57.720 there are only so many ways, 00:33:57.779 --> 00:33:58.740 we can deal with this problem. 00:33:58.839 --> 00:33:59.640 I want to be intimate, 00:33:59.799 --> 00:34:00.480 and yet I'm terrified, 00:34:00.599 --> 00:34:01.680 of the pain that it will cause. 00:34:02.220 --> 00:34:02.940 But Lewis says, 00:34:03.059 --> 00:34:03.299 if we, 00:34:03.359 --> 00:34:04.720 if we avoid this all together, 00:34:04.839 --> 00:34:05.859 here's what Lewis says happens. 00:34:05.940 --> 00:34:06.200 He says, 00:34:06.400 --> 00:34:07.380 if you want to make sure, 00:34:07.420 --> 00:34:08.599 of keeping your heart intact, 00:34:08.760 --> 00:34:09.900 you must give it to no one. 00:34:10.099 --> 00:34:10.980 Not even an animal. 00:34:11.559 --> 00:34:12.599 Wrap it carefully around, 00:34:12.659 --> 00:34:13.159 with hobbies, 00:34:13.159 --> 00:34:14.000 and little luxuries, 00:34:14.139 --> 00:34:15.339 avoid all entanglements, 00:34:15.699 --> 00:34:16.500 lock it up safe, 00:34:16.539 --> 00:34:17.139 in the casket, 00:34:17.179 --> 00:34:18.679 or coffin of your selfishness. 00:34:19.099 --> 00:34:20.399 But in that casket, 00:34:20.779 --> 00:34:21.139 safe, 00:34:21.339 --> 00:34:21.619 dark, 00:34:21.859 --> 00:34:22.359 motionless, 00:34:22.599 --> 00:34:23.019 airless, 00:34:23.379 --> 00:34:24.519 it will change. 00:34:24.920 --> 00:34:26.019 It will not be broken, 00:34:26.019 --> 00:34:27.880 it will become unbreakable, 00:34:28.400 --> 00:34:29.239 impenetrable, 00:34:29.780 --> 00:34:30.559 irredeemable. 00:34:31.599 --> 00:34:34.139 To love is to be vulnerable. 00:34:35.639 --> 00:34:37.139 You can't have it both ways. 00:34:38.420 --> 00:34:40.300 There is only one way, 00:34:40.460 --> 00:34:41.420 that I know of, 00:34:41.980 --> 00:34:44.759 to be able to truly have intimacy, 00:34:45.139 --> 00:34:46.259 with human beings, 00:34:46.639 --> 00:34:48.679 and to truly face, 00:34:48.759 --> 00:34:49.340 and embrace, 00:34:49.519 --> 00:34:50.280 the possibility, 00:34:50.579 --> 00:34:51.659 of pain and loss, 00:34:51.659 --> 00:34:52.839 as a result, 00:34:52.839 --> 00:34:52.859 as a result, 00:34:52.940 --> 00:34:53.759 of those relationships. 00:34:54.879 --> 00:34:55.920 The only way, 00:34:56.000 --> 00:34:56.579 I know to be able, 00:34:56.579 --> 00:34:57.219 to do both, 00:34:57.599 --> 00:35:00.079 is to build your life, 00:35:01.079 --> 00:35:02.819 around a core relationship, 00:35:03.639 --> 00:35:05.259 make one relationship, 00:35:05.259 --> 00:35:06.039 foundational, 00:35:06.039 --> 00:35:07.840 with a person, 00:35:07.840 --> 00:35:09.440 who will never leave you, 00:35:09.960 --> 00:35:11.400 never abandon you, 00:35:11.800 --> 00:35:13.000 never betray you. 00:35:13.460 --> 00:35:14.980 And the only person I know, 00:35:15.119 --> 00:35:16.039 who is like that, 00:35:16.099 --> 00:35:16.920 is Jesus Christ. 00:35:17.659 --> 00:35:18.860 I don't know anyone else, 00:35:18.900 --> 00:35:19.719 who fits that description, 00:35:19.860 --> 00:35:20.579 who can live up, 00:35:21.079 --> 00:35:22.119 to those expectations. 00:35:23.320 --> 00:35:24.480 As we've learned about, 00:35:24.579 --> 00:35:25.519 what it takes to build, 00:35:25.579 --> 00:35:26.440 intimate relationships, 00:35:26.980 --> 00:35:28.320 we've talked about three things. 00:35:28.420 --> 00:35:30.239 It requires exclusivity, 00:35:30.559 --> 00:35:31.259 it requires, 00:35:31.559 --> 00:35:32.719 healthy confrontation, 00:35:33.259 --> 00:35:34.019 it requires, 00:35:35.019 --> 00:35:35.579 vulnerability. 00:35:36.820 --> 00:35:37.980 I don't know anyone, 00:35:37.980 --> 00:35:39.099 who has done that, 00:35:39.159 --> 00:35:40.599 better than Jesus Christ. 00:35:41.420 --> 00:35:41.539 You know, 00:35:41.599 --> 00:35:42.500 Jesus comes to us, 00:35:42.699 --> 00:35:43.559 and he says, 00:35:43.659 --> 00:35:44.960 the only kind of relationship, 00:35:45.239 --> 00:35:45.880 we can have, 00:35:46.079 --> 00:35:47.179 is an exclusive one. 00:35:47.739 --> 00:35:48.400 It has to be, 00:35:48.400 --> 00:35:49.739 100% exclusive. 00:35:50.880 --> 00:35:51.440 And he says, 00:35:51.500 --> 00:35:52.239 I know that, 00:35:52.340 --> 00:35:53.340 over the course of your life, 00:35:53.460 --> 00:35:54.820 you have given yourself away, 00:35:54.900 --> 00:35:56.320 again and again and again. 00:35:57.179 --> 00:35:57.539 You know, 00:35:57.559 --> 00:35:58.779 what the Bible calls idols, 00:35:58.940 --> 00:35:59.139 right? 00:35:59.440 --> 00:36:00.719 All of these promises, 00:36:00.719 --> 00:36:01.639 were made to you, 00:36:01.920 --> 00:36:02.960 about success, 00:36:03.059 --> 00:36:03.519 or money, 00:36:03.779 --> 00:36:04.380 or influence, 00:36:04.480 --> 00:36:05.079 or education, 00:36:05.239 --> 00:36:06.019 or the approval of others, 00:36:06.019 --> 00:36:06.099 sinners, 00:36:06.159 --> 00:36:07.019 and all of these things, 00:36:07.059 --> 00:36:07.880 that you gave your heart to, 00:36:08.000 --> 00:36:09.099 and none of them delivered, 00:36:09.199 --> 00:36:09.840 on those promises. 00:36:10.079 --> 00:36:10.739 And you've been hurt, 00:36:10.860 --> 00:36:11.340 and let down, 00:36:11.400 --> 00:36:12.579 again and again and again. 00:36:12.759 --> 00:36:13.300 And he says, 00:36:13.420 --> 00:36:15.079 I want you to give your whole heart to me. 00:36:16.119 --> 00:36:16.820 And in return, 00:36:16.920 --> 00:36:18.420 I will give my whole heart to you. 00:36:18.599 --> 00:36:19.420 And here's what he says, 00:36:19.420 --> 00:36:20.480 no matter what I see, 00:36:20.480 --> 00:36:20.500 no matter what I see, 00:36:20.500 --> 00:36:23.760 no matter what is in your heart, 00:36:23.800 --> 00:36:24.619 no matter what you've done, 00:36:25.619 --> 00:36:27.059 I'm not going anywhere. 00:36:27.940 --> 00:36:29.039 I'm committed to you. 00:36:30.280 --> 00:36:31.840 There is healthy confrontation, 00:36:32.059 --> 00:36:32.880 with Jesus, 00:36:33.000 --> 00:36:33.119 right? 00:36:33.180 --> 00:36:34.260 Jesus does confront, 00:36:34.480 --> 00:36:35.519 the sin in our lives. 00:36:35.960 --> 00:36:36.720 He confronts things, 00:36:36.820 --> 00:36:37.380 that we know about, 00:36:37.440 --> 00:36:38.139 he confronts things, 00:36:38.200 --> 00:36:39.019 that we haven't told anybody, 00:36:39.220 --> 00:36:40.139 and he confronts things, 00:36:40.180 --> 00:36:41.159 that we didn't even know were sin. 00:36:41.860 --> 00:36:43.380 He confronts all of that. 00:36:43.599 --> 00:36:44.460 It can be painful, 00:36:44.539 --> 00:36:45.519 it can be so offensive. 00:36:47.460 --> 00:36:49.599 And right as our defenses are kind of, 00:36:49.639 --> 00:36:50.159 and we're getting ready, 00:36:50.199 --> 00:36:51.099 to justify ourselves, 00:36:51.420 --> 00:36:51.940 Jesus says, 00:36:52.119 --> 00:36:52.840 it's okay, 00:36:52.920 --> 00:36:54.179 I'm taking the blame for all of it. 00:36:55.440 --> 00:36:56.000 All of it. 00:36:57.260 --> 00:36:58.400 I'll take all of it. 00:36:59.519 --> 00:37:00.720 And then he makes himself, 00:37:00.720 --> 00:37:01.820 completely vulnerable, 00:37:01.980 --> 00:37:03.059 unimaginably vulnerable. 00:37:03.159 --> 00:37:03.960 The God of the universe, 00:37:04.079 --> 00:37:04.900 taking on flesh, 00:37:05.720 --> 00:37:07.420 allowing himself to be brutalized, 00:37:07.820 --> 00:37:08.139 mocked, 00:37:08.139 --> 00:37:08.619 tortured, 00:37:09.179 --> 00:37:09.880 and killed, 00:37:10.440 --> 00:37:11.940 in order to deal with, 00:37:12.159 --> 00:37:12.860 all of that sin, 00:37:12.960 --> 00:37:14.260 in order to make it possible, 00:37:14.260 --> 00:37:16.800 to have perfect intimacy, 00:37:16.800 --> 00:37:18.460 between the two of us. 00:37:19.800 --> 00:37:20.880 Perfect intimacy, 00:37:21.140 --> 00:37:21.980 between ourselves, 00:37:22.620 --> 00:37:23.840 and the Trinitarian God, 00:37:23.900 --> 00:37:24.540 of the universe. 00:37:24.840 --> 00:37:25.580 The kind of intimacy, 00:37:25.800 --> 00:37:26.720 where we know, 00:37:27.600 --> 00:37:29.160 that his promise in Matthew 28, 00:37:29.240 --> 00:37:29.680 is true. 00:37:30.460 --> 00:37:31.920 I will be with you, 00:37:32.260 --> 00:37:33.080 always, 00:37:33.860 --> 00:37:35.120 to the end of the age. 00:37:35.320 --> 00:37:36.680 No matter what else happens, 00:37:36.780 --> 00:37:38.160 no matter what other people do to you, 00:37:38.160 --> 00:37:39.840 no matter how much you're let down, 00:37:40.020 --> 00:37:41.620 I will never do that to you. 00:37:42.140 --> 00:37:43.420 I will never leave you. 00:37:44.079 --> 00:37:45.539 And the only way I know, 00:37:45.539 --> 00:37:46.760 how to have vulnerability, 00:37:47.400 --> 00:37:48.800 and intimacy, 00:37:49.059 --> 00:37:51.059 to embrace the risk of loss, 00:37:51.119 --> 00:37:51.500 and pain, 00:37:51.579 --> 00:37:51.980 and hurt, 00:37:52.480 --> 00:37:53.360 and at the same time, 00:37:53.440 --> 00:37:55.280 plunge into our relationships, 00:37:55.840 --> 00:37:57.000 is if our core, 00:37:57.200 --> 00:37:58.659 is built around Jesus Christ. 00:37:59.159 --> 00:38:00.240 So that we know, 00:38:00.320 --> 00:38:00.700 that we know, 00:38:00.760 --> 00:38:01.139 that we know, 00:38:01.200 --> 00:38:02.300 that no matter what happens, 00:38:02.400 --> 00:38:03.200 no matter what pain, 00:38:03.260 --> 00:38:03.860 we have to face, 00:38:04.079 --> 00:38:05.720 no matter what unexpected tragedies, 00:38:05.880 --> 00:38:06.720 life brings, 00:38:06.719 --> 00:38:09.679 that our life is built, 00:38:09.759 --> 00:38:10.659 on a foundation, 00:38:10.980 --> 00:38:11.419 with someone, 00:38:11.539 --> 00:38:14.259 who will always be there with us, 00:38:14.399 --> 00:38:15.419 no matter what. 00:38:16.579 --> 00:38:17.459 Jesus Christ. 00:38:18.719 --> 00:38:19.439 Let's pray. 00:38:19.440 --> 00:38:19.700 Amen. 00:38:19.780 --> 00:38:21.780 Amen. 00:38:21.820 --> 00:38:21.840 Amen. 00:38:21.840 --> 00:38:22.059 Amen. 00:38:23.059 --> 00:38:23.380 Amen. 00:38:23.619 --> 00:38:25.940 Amen. 00:38:26.019 --> 00:38:28.240 iksistic Music