WEBVTT 00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:04.639 So let me again say welcome to you. If you're new or visiting from out of town, really delighted that 00:00:04.639 --> 00:00:10.519 you can be here, especially on such a beautiful weekend. Normally in our church, we follow the 00:00:10.519 --> 00:00:16.640 lectionary. This week and the previous few weeks, we've taken a break from the lectionary because 00:00:16.640 --> 00:00:22.199 we're spending time on something that I think in any church or really in any community is worth 00:00:22.199 --> 00:00:26.740 revisiting from time to time because it's so important. And that is we're talking about our 00:00:26.739 --> 00:00:33.479 vision for congregational care. What does it mean to be the kind of church where every member, 00:00:33.679 --> 00:00:40.780 every regular attender, everybody who considers this to be their community feels known, loved, 00:00:41.460 --> 00:00:47.939 and they know how to get support and care when they need it. So what is our vision for that and 00:00:47.939 --> 00:00:51.840 what does that look like at Church of the Advent? So we've taken a few weeks just to lay out our 00:00:51.840 --> 00:00:57.960 philosophy of what it means to be a caring community. So week one, we considered the fact 00:00:57.960 --> 00:01:03.560 that a caring church is one that lives like a spiritual family, which means care is the work 00:01:03.560 --> 00:01:07.800 not just of a few professionals, but of the whole community. We all do the work of care. 00:01:09.000 --> 00:01:13.280 The week after that, we looked at the fact that a caring church recognizes the value of adversity. 00:01:13.280 --> 00:01:18.439 There's no possible way to eliminate adversity from our lives, but the good news is God can actually 00:01:18.439 --> 00:01:24.679 use adversity to grow us and shape us. Then last week, we considered the fact that a caring church 00:01:24.679 --> 00:01:32.239 safeguards spiritual freedom. We guard against both license and legalism and see those as threats to 00:01:32.239 --> 00:01:37.659 spiritual freedom. So this is the last week, and we're going to be talking about the difference 00:01:37.659 --> 00:01:43.099 between helping and enabling. We're going to be talking about the difference between helping and 00:01:43.099 --> 00:01:50.039 enabling. Now, I want to give a caveat because this is not going to be a typical sermon. If you're here 00:01:50.039 --> 00:01:55.280 for the first time, you're here on an interesting week. It's going to be a lot more teaching than 00:01:55.280 --> 00:01:59.840 preaching. It's going to be something that you may wonder, why are we doing this in the context of a 00:01:59.840 --> 00:02:05.619 sermon? My hope is that this becomes more clear the reasons why as we move through this together. 00:02:06.259 --> 00:02:11.259 Some of you may wonder, why would we discuss a topic like this? What does this have to do with 00:02:11.259 --> 00:02:16.000 being a caring community? And here's the answer that I would give. Actually, a couple of answers 00:02:16.000 --> 00:02:21.719 on that. First answer is this. Why does this matter? Well, whether you're talking about a church 00:02:21.719 --> 00:02:29.879 or a family or a friend group, I think every single person in this room agrees, I would hope you would 00:02:29.879 --> 00:02:36.819 agree, that it's important for people to be willing to care for one another. That's not a controversial 00:02:36.819 --> 00:02:45.259 idea. Yes, we should care for one another. So why doesn't it happen more? What are the obstacles? 00:02:46.459 --> 00:02:52.039 And here's what I would say. In my experience, the biggest reason or one of the biggest reasons 00:02:52.039 --> 00:02:59.019 why people in communities like ours don't care for one another better and more consistently is because 00:02:59.019 --> 00:03:06.560 people do not understand the difference between helping and enabling. People don't know how to have 00:03:06.560 --> 00:03:13.199 appropriate boundaries. And so what happens is that you have some people who dive in because they want 00:03:13.199 --> 00:03:20.180 to help, and then they end up feeling overwhelmed and exhausted and trying to extract themselves. 00:03:20.599 --> 00:03:26.240 You have other people who, out of a self-protective instinct, remain completely disengaged, 00:03:26.340 --> 00:03:32.259 and they have high walls, and they have no room for anyone else's needs. And you have a lot of 00:03:32.259 --> 00:03:37.859 people trying to do good and be helpful, but they're not motivated by love. They're motivated by guilt 00:03:37.859 --> 00:03:43.659 and obligation. And when you see things like that, one of the core reasons is that people don't 00:03:43.659 --> 00:03:49.439 understand the difference between helping and enabling, and boundaries are being crossed. And so 00:03:49.439 --> 00:03:55.299 if we want to be a genuinely caring community, we have to talk about this. We need to understand the 00:03:55.300 --> 00:04:03.160 difference. And as we will see, this does belong in the context of a sermon because I think these 00:04:03.160 --> 00:04:10.480 issues are directly related to what we believe or don't believe about the gospel. So here's our 00:04:10.480 --> 00:04:14.760 outline. We're going to consider what it means to help. We're going to consider what it means to enable. 00:04:15.140 --> 00:04:18.500 And then we're going to talk about knowing the difference and what that looks like in our 00:04:18.500 --> 00:04:25.920 community. Let's pray. Lord, we thank you for your word. And as always, we come not in the hope 00:04:25.920 --> 00:04:32.819 of human wisdom or understanding. We are here because you're a God who speaks. And we know that 00:04:32.819 --> 00:04:40.819 when we open your written word, through the power of your Holy Spirit, this is a living word. And as we 00:04:40.819 --> 00:04:47.899 enter into this word, we come face to face with the living word, Jesus Christ. And we pray that just as 00:04:47.899 --> 00:04:53.279 the word became flesh in him, so your word would become flesh in us, that we might be changed by 00:04:53.279 --> 00:05:00.099 it for your glory. We pray this in your son's holy name. Amen. So first of all, let's consider what it 00:05:00.099 --> 00:05:07.000 means to help other people. In Galatians chapter 6, the apostle Paul is describing what a spirit-filled 00:05:07.000 --> 00:05:14.239 community looks like. A spirit-filled community where the spirit is living and active and fills people 00:05:14.240 --> 00:05:20.939 and is present. And the work of God is being done among God's people. And he says this in verse 2, 00:05:21.319 --> 00:05:27.840 bear one another's burdens and so fulfill the law of Christ. If you want to know what all of this is about, 00:05:27.900 --> 00:05:36.199 if you want to fulfill and be the kind of people that Christ came to transform you into, bear one another's 00:05:36.199 --> 00:05:42.100 burdens. So he's saying that a spirit-filled community is one that bears burdens. And the word for burden, the 00:05:42.100 --> 00:05:47.960 Greek word, is a word that means by definition something that is too heavy to carry alone. You 00:05:47.960 --> 00:05:54.720 need help with burdens. Now we live in a culture that prizes self-reliance. And there are some 00:05:54.720 --> 00:06:00.500 Christians that think this way. They may tend to over-spiritualize their times of struggle. And they 00:06:00.500 --> 00:06:06.020 say, well, I should be able to pray directly to God and expect that God would minister directly to me. 00:06:06.300 --> 00:06:10.640 I should be able to pray that God would give me the peace that passes understanding. And God will 00:06:10.639 --> 00:06:15.659 infuse my heart with that peace. And I don't need to reach out because I have access to God. 00:06:16.459 --> 00:06:21.300 Now what's interesting is if we look at the Apostle Paul, 2 Corinthians 7, he says this, 00:06:21.379 --> 00:06:27.659 we were afflicted at every turn, fighting without and fear within. This is a time of great struggle 00:06:27.659 --> 00:06:34.039 and distress. And then what happens? He doesn't say, I prayed and God supernaturally infused my heart 00:06:34.040 --> 00:06:42.960 with peace. He says, but God who comforts the downcast comforted us, how? By the coming of Titus. 00:06:44.200 --> 00:06:50.700 So how does God answer Paul's prayer for comfort? He sends a good friend to his side. 00:06:52.200 --> 00:06:57.480 Now that's not to negate the possibility that God can give us supernatural peace. But what it does remind 00:06:57.480 --> 00:07:05.080 us of is that very, very often God delights, he delights to answer our prayers through the people 00:07:05.080 --> 00:07:12.240 around us. He delights to answer our prayers through the people around us. So spiritual maturity 00:07:12.240 --> 00:07:19.160 doesn't mean never asking for help. Spiritual maturity means knowing how and when to ask for help. 00:07:19.980 --> 00:07:26.800 That's what spiritual mature people do. And helping can take many forms. Burden bearing can take many 00:07:26.800 --> 00:07:34.639 forms. It means at least praying for people. It can also mean listening actively with empathy 00:07:34.639 --> 00:07:44.160 and understanding. It can mean providing information. It can mean connecting people to other resources. 00:07:45.600 --> 00:07:50.160 Helping can mean equipping somebody to make a decision, but not making it for them. 00:07:50.160 --> 00:08:00.960 It can mean offering temporary housing or temporary financial assistance. But the key to helping is that 00:08:00.960 --> 00:08:11.580 help is empowering. It empowers people. It is lifting somebody up, but not holding them up. 00:08:11.579 --> 00:08:20.819 So a spirit-filled community is one where people help one another. We share burdens. We care for and 00:08:20.819 --> 00:08:28.019 support people when they need it. Now let's talk about enabling. A few verses later, Paul says in the 00:08:28.019 --> 00:08:35.379 same passage, that each will have to bear his own load. Now he said that we need to bear one another's 00:08:35.379 --> 00:08:42.360 burdens, and now he's saying we need to bear our own load. Is this a contradiction? And it looks like it 00:08:42.360 --> 00:08:51.120 until you look at the actual word choice here. The word for burden, beros, means something extremely 00:08:51.120 --> 00:08:57.799 heavy, something that, as we said, by definition we can't carry on our own. The other word that Paul uses 00:08:57.799 --> 00:09:07.219 in verse 5, for tion, means a common pack. Like it's a common term that you would use to refer to 00:09:07.219 --> 00:09:13.599 the backpack that somebody would carry their personal belongings in. So think of a load in 00:09:13.599 --> 00:09:18.699 contrast to a burden, right? A burden is way too heavy, but a load, that's your personal pack. That's 00:09:18.699 --> 00:09:24.159 your stuff that you're carrying. So we can think of a load, broadly speaking, as the realm of personal 00:09:24.159 --> 00:09:30.459 responsibility in your life. Realm of personal responsibility. So what Paul's saying is that we 00:09:30.459 --> 00:09:34.259 need to bear one another's burdens, but at the same time we all have a personal load to carry. 00:09:34.679 --> 00:09:39.539 And doing so, being able to carry your load, is part of what it means to be a mature human being. 00:09:40.339 --> 00:09:44.399 So in our gospel reading in John 5, we see an interesting application of this. 00:09:45.620 --> 00:09:50.659 John comes to a pool called Bethesda, and John tells us that there's a multitude of people with 00:09:50.659 --> 00:09:53.879 various disabilities who spend time there. They're there on a daily basis. 00:09:54.159 --> 00:09:59.399 And Jesus approaches a man who, it says, has been paralyzed from the waist down, 00:10:00.079 --> 00:10:06.579 and he's been this way for 38 years. And the wording here is very suggestive. Verse 6, 00:10:06.659 --> 00:10:12.740 when Jesus saw him lying there and knew that he had already been there for a long time, 00:10:13.039 --> 00:10:19.779 he said to him, do you want to be healed? Now, if you're reading this for the first time or reading 00:10:19.779 --> 00:10:23.519 it casually, it's going to strike you as kind of an odd and maybe even stupid question. 00:10:24.159 --> 00:10:28.459 A person who's been paralyzed for 38 years and taking the time to ask, do you want to be healed? 00:10:28.579 --> 00:10:35.759 That seems ridiculous. Of course he does. But as we know, when we see any encounter between Jesus 00:10:35.759 --> 00:10:40.879 and other people, Jesus is always asking questions that get to the heart of the issue. And he's seeing 00:10:40.879 --> 00:10:46.139 things that we don't see. And the commentaries, some of the commentators, they pick up on this. 00:10:46.139 --> 00:10:52.879 Here's essentially what's going on. For 38 years, this man has survived by depending on others. He's 00:10:52.879 --> 00:10:58.240 had to. At this point in history, there are no services. There are no, right, you were forced, 00:10:58.340 --> 00:11:03.659 if you were a person like this, you were forced to beg for subsistence, right? And so he's been 00:11:03.659 --> 00:11:10.759 living like this for 38 years. And so his whole life has come to be defined by this. Every day, 00:11:10.759 --> 00:11:16.240 he makes his way to the pool. And every day, he spends his day begging money from the people who 00:11:16.240 --> 00:11:22.360 are coming to the pool. And there are legends and superstitions that the water has healing power. 00:11:22.639 --> 00:11:26.399 And so that's a part of the reason why people would gather there as well. But his entire life 00:11:26.399 --> 00:11:34.899 was built around this reality. So in other words, the question that Jesus really seems to be asking 00:11:34.899 --> 00:11:42.419 this man is not, do you want to be healed? It's, do you want the implications that come with being 00:11:42.419 --> 00:11:55.179 healed? Are you ready to start carrying this load in your life? See, this man's entire way of life 00:11:55.179 --> 00:11:59.679 is going to have to change. He's going to need to find work. He might have to find a different place 00:11:59.679 --> 00:12:03.960 to live. This means no longer begging by the pool. It's going to be a major change. 00:12:04.899 --> 00:12:09.699 So if we look at this man's condition, the paralysis is a burden. And that's something 00:12:09.699 --> 00:12:14.340 that this man can't handle on his, I mean, there's nothing he can do to change his situation. 00:12:14.740 --> 00:12:20.720 Jesus can help with that. But Jesus ultimately wants to empower this man to carry his own load. 00:12:21.459 --> 00:12:27.220 He wants to empower this man to pick up his mat and to carry his own mat and to walk away. 00:12:29.159 --> 00:12:33.960 Do you want the implications that come with being healed? See, that's what help looks like. 00:12:33.960 --> 00:12:38.400 Help says, I want to see you up on your own two feet and I want to see you walking in your own 00:12:38.400 --> 00:12:42.940 power. I want to see you carrying your own mat. I want to see you carrying the load of your life, 00:12:43.139 --> 00:12:51.600 right? But when we try to carry someone else's load, when you say, give me that pack off your back, 00:12:52.900 --> 00:12:57.800 when we try to carry someone else's load, when we, when we start taking responsibility for things in 00:12:57.799 --> 00:13:05.799 someone else's life, we are beginning to cross that line into what we now call enabling, right? And the 00:13:05.799 --> 00:13:10.500 thing is, enabling is, is often very well intentioned. It comes from an incredibly good 00:13:10.500 --> 00:13:16.299 place most of the time from people who are very loving and desire to be helpful. And it often is 00:13:16.299 --> 00:13:22.719 disguised as helping, but you know, a tree by its fruit, right? It has the opposite effect. 00:13:22.720 --> 00:13:29.639 You know, a tree by its fruit, it does not empower people. It leaves them feeling powerless. 00:13:31.360 --> 00:13:36.700 Often we tend to enable people because we see them as victims. What we don't understand is 00:13:36.700 --> 00:13:43.800 how enabling itself is a form of victimization. When you see somebody as a victim and then you 00:13:43.800 --> 00:13:50.320 enable them, you are further victimizing them. One writer puts it like this. It's a vicious cycle. 00:13:50.320 --> 00:13:57.780 When people are not challenged to do as much as they possibly can to help themselves, they learn 00:13:57.780 --> 00:14:02.600 to constantly look for answers and remedies and solutions and fixes outside of themselves. 00:14:03.360 --> 00:14:08.180 And what that does is it begins to convince them that they are powerless, that they are useless, 00:14:08.360 --> 00:14:13.340 that they are incapable. And then the more they feel that way, the more they attract circumstances 00:14:13.340 --> 00:14:18.980 that prove them right. And the more they attract those negative circumstances, the worse they feel. 00:14:18.980 --> 00:14:23.820 And then the worse they feel, the worse it gets. And it becomes a vicious cycle. 00:14:24.879 --> 00:14:31.159 So for us to be a caring community, it is crucial for us to know the difference between burdens 00:14:31.159 --> 00:14:39.019 and loads. What is the difference between a burden and a load? How do we know the difference? Here's a 00:14:39.019 --> 00:14:44.740 shorthand definition. A burden is something that you cannot carry alone. 00:14:44.740 --> 00:14:52.980 A load is something that you alone can carry. A burden is something that you cannot carry alone. 00:14:53.399 --> 00:14:57.299 A load is something that you alone can carry. No one else can carry it for you. 00:14:58.159 --> 00:15:05.039 So for instance, under normal circumstances, you should be able to get a job. You should be able to 00:15:05.039 --> 00:15:10.320 pay your bills. You should be able to care for your family. You should be able to manage your emotions. 00:15:10.320 --> 00:15:16.660 You should be able to grow spiritually. You should be able to follow through on commitments. Under normal 00:15:16.660 --> 00:15:21.580 circumstances, you should be able to do those things. Obviously, there are exceptions. But in general, 00:15:22.300 --> 00:15:26.500 those are part of your load. They're in the pack that is on your back, and you're the one who's 00:15:26.500 --> 00:15:32.080 responsible for carrying it. Nobody can do those things for you. Now, a burden, by contrast, is something 00:15:32.080 --> 00:15:40.120 very different. Somebody in your family dies. You get really sick and incapacitated. You lose your job 00:15:40.120 --> 00:15:46.840 unexpectedly. You become severely depressed, and you're having suicidal thoughts. Your marriage is 00:15:46.840 --> 00:15:53.100 struggling, and you're contemplating divorce. Those are burdens. Those are things that you cannot carry 00:15:53.100 --> 00:15:58.600 alone. Those are times when you need help, when you need support from others in the community, 00:15:58.600 --> 00:16:04.019 and you need to reach out and let people know that you are in dire straits. 00:16:05.440 --> 00:16:12.740 So let's do some differentiation just to understand the difference between the two and what each 00:16:12.740 --> 00:16:21.159 response looks like. Long time ago, I knew a guy who was struggling with addiction, and I really cared 00:16:21.159 --> 00:16:27.320 about this guy. And he said to me, you know, I usually mess up in the evenings. Those are my weakest 00:16:27.320 --> 00:16:33.640 times when I'm most likely to mess up. Could you call me every evening to hold me accountable? Could 00:16:33.640 --> 00:16:38.840 you be my accountability partner? And could you call me every evening to hold me accountable to make 00:16:38.840 --> 00:16:45.120 sure I don't mess up? Now, I cared about this guy. I would have done anything to see this guy free from 00:16:45.120 --> 00:16:51.960 that addiction. And, you know, whether you're this guy's pastor or this guy's friend or this guy's 00:16:51.960 --> 00:16:57.639 counselor, that sounds like a very loving thing to do to say, hey, I'm in this with you. We're going 00:16:57.639 --> 00:17:01.440 to do this together, and I'm going to call you every night, and we're going to do whatever we have 00:17:01.440 --> 00:17:08.600 to do to help you beat this addiction. That sounds like a loving thing to do. But if I said yes to that 00:17:08.599 --> 00:17:21.939 request, I would be enabling him. Why? Class, why? Right? Because what's the real request there? 00:17:22.839 --> 00:17:31.039 It's not call me, that's the surface request. What's the real request? I want you to take 00:17:31.039 --> 00:17:41.619 responsibility for my recovery. I want to live my life as normal, and I want you to be the one 00:17:41.619 --> 00:17:48.019 stressing every day about whether or not I'm going to relapse. Right? What he really wants is to take 00:17:48.019 --> 00:17:55.139 the pack off his back and to give it to me. He wants that load off his shoulders. And by the way, 00:17:55.140 --> 00:18:02.660 if I fail to call one evening, and he does mess up, very convenient to have somebody to blame. 00:18:04.040 --> 00:18:11.040 Right? Well, I would have been okay, but you didn't call. Whose responsibility is it? Who's 00:18:11.040 --> 00:18:18.540 carrying the load? So what would genuine help look like in this circumstance? Maybe it looks like this. 00:18:19.300 --> 00:18:23.500 You say, listen, I care about you. You know I'm rooting for you to beat this thing, 00:18:23.500 --> 00:18:30.460 but I can't do that for you. Here's what I can do. If you're really struggling one night, you can call 00:18:30.460 --> 00:18:37.240 me, and I would love to pray with you. But the thing is, I might not always be available. 00:18:38.599 --> 00:18:43.440 And so you need other people helping you. I'm happy to be part of this fight with you, but 00:18:43.440 --> 00:18:50.579 you can't rely on me alone. What you should do is find a recovery group like Essie. 00:18:50.579 --> 00:18:57.299 And if you go to that group, you're going to find a sponsor. And that sponsor, their job is to be 00:18:57.299 --> 00:19:02.579 there. So if you're struggling and you need to reach out, they will support you. And together, 00:19:02.579 --> 00:19:09.019 we can support you in your recovery. That's what helping looks like. Right? Let me give you another 00:19:09.019 --> 00:19:14.960 scenario. Imagine you have a friend who's going through a really tough time. And imagine this friend 00:19:14.960 --> 00:19:19.419 has developed a habit of calling you. And it's gotten to the point where maybe they're calling you 00:19:19.420 --> 00:19:24.700 several times a day. And every time they call, it's because they want to vent all of their frustration 00:19:24.700 --> 00:19:31.420 and anger and stress and anxiety and sadness. They want to vent all of that onto you. And now listen, 00:19:31.580 --> 00:19:36.320 you know, you want to be supportive. And that's just a part of friendship, right? Some friendships, 00:19:36.820 --> 00:19:42.600 there's a lot of venting that happens. And that's a part of what it means to be a good friend to 00:19:42.599 --> 00:19:48.179 somebody is. You can vent to me and I can vent to you. But say in this particular situation, 00:19:48.599 --> 00:19:52.980 the calls are getting more frequent. It happens days, sometimes at night, sometimes like when 00:19:52.980 --> 00:19:55.919 you're trying to put your kids to bed or sometimes when you're trying to get your work done. 00:19:56.500 --> 00:20:00.419 And say that you're starting to feel overwhelmed and you're starting to feel drained. 00:20:01.199 --> 00:20:09.519 Okay? You might think the loving response would be to say, call me anytime. Day or night, 00:20:09.519 --> 00:20:15.259 I will always answer. You don't have to go through this alone. I'm here for you. I will be your rock. 00:20:16.960 --> 00:20:21.259 Right? That's what a loving friend says, right? But what's actually happening? 00:20:22.740 --> 00:20:26.279 What are you actually communicating? Well, several things. You're communicating, one, 00:20:26.960 --> 00:20:34.319 that your needs don't matter. You're communicating, number two, that you're willing to take responsibility 00:20:34.319 --> 00:20:42.919 for this person's emotional well-being. Number three, most pernicious, you're teaching them 00:20:42.919 --> 00:20:51.619 that their only coping strategy should be to depend on you. That when they're feeling overwhelmed, 00:20:52.899 --> 00:21:01.939 the way to feel better is to call you and to vent to you. And chances are, when that call happens, 00:21:01.940 --> 00:21:10.539 your job is to absorb their emotional distress. They're transferring it temporarily to you until 00:21:10.539 --> 00:21:16.380 it builds up again. And then what happens? You hang up the phone. That person feels better. They feel 00:21:16.380 --> 00:21:24.680 relief. But you feel totally crushed by all the stuff that you're now carrying. It got taken out of 00:21:24.680 --> 00:21:28.259 their pack and it got put into your pack. And all of a sudden, those straps are digging into your 00:21:28.259 --> 00:21:38.240 shoulders. So helping might mean saying this, hey, I can see that you're really struggling right now. 00:21:38.640 --> 00:21:45.059 And I want to be here to support you. And I am. But I also need to take care of myself. 00:21:45.680 --> 00:21:51.980 And I can't be available all the time. Because I have other things that I need to worry about. And I 00:21:51.980 --> 00:21:58.000 have other responsibilities that I need to focus on. So here's what we can do. Maybe can we 00:21:58.000 --> 00:22:03.960 schedule times to talk? And just put it on the calendar. And then I know and you know that when 00:22:03.960 --> 00:22:10.039 that time comes, I'll be fully available for you. Can we do that? Also, I'm very committed to praying 00:22:10.039 --> 00:22:15.319 for you. I pray for you every day. And number three, have you considered reaching out to the 00:22:15.319 --> 00:22:20.640 healing prayer ministry that we have and asking them to pray for you? They would love to pray for you. 00:22:21.380 --> 00:22:24.819 So again, you're not saying, I want to remove myself from the situation. You're saying, 00:22:24.819 --> 00:22:33.460 this can't all depend on me. And I have needs too. And those matter as well. And can we put structure 00:22:33.460 --> 00:22:37.740 around our interactions so that I can be prepared and so that we know when they're going to happen? 00:22:38.319 --> 00:22:44.679 And can we also bring in other resources and supports for you? And you know, ultimately, 00:22:44.819 --> 00:22:49.899 what that does is it puts that person in the position to have to develop and figure out other 00:22:49.900 --> 00:22:55.080 coping strategies to deal with their emotions. And guess what? Counselors are really good at giving 00:22:55.080 --> 00:23:01.120 you tools to help develop coping strategies to manage your emotions, right? So that's another 00:23:01.120 --> 00:23:07.340 scenario. Just one or two more for the sake of time. This will be shorter, but it's one that I think 00:23:07.340 --> 00:23:13.900 comes up enough that it's worth mentioning. Imagine you have an adult child who loses their job 00:23:13.900 --> 00:23:21.480 unexpectedly and they call mom and dad and they want to move home. An enabling response might be to say 00:23:21.480 --> 00:23:28.980 this. You let them move back. You say, you stay here as long as you need. We're here for you. We love 00:23:28.980 --> 00:23:34.360 you. But you don't set any expectations for ways that they might need to contribute to the home. 00:23:35.660 --> 00:23:42.519 There's no expectation of any kind of financial contribution. And you don't set any timeline for 00:23:42.519 --> 00:23:49.079 when they need to move out. You just say, stay as long as you need. Now, a helping response might 00:23:49.079 --> 00:23:57.279 be to do this. Maybe you say no. Sometimes the best way to help somebody is to not help them. 00:23:59.500 --> 00:24:01.379 Right? Now, that has to be done with a lot of discernment. 00:24:03.359 --> 00:24:08.480 Maybe you say no. Or if you say yes, yeah, you can move home. What do you do? You say, yeah, 00:24:08.480 --> 00:24:12.740 you can move home. But then you discuss what are the chores and responsibilities that you're going 00:24:12.740 --> 00:24:19.360 to take on to contribute to the household? How are you going to maybe contribute financially 00:24:19.360 --> 00:24:22.640 since you're home and you're going to be eating food and all of those things? 00:24:23.500 --> 00:24:28.279 And then you set a clear timeline. And you say, I'm going to give you this long to kind of get back 00:24:28.279 --> 00:24:32.660 on your feet and figure things out. But by this date, and it can be generous as long as it's there, 00:24:32.660 --> 00:24:40.000 by this date, you need to move on. That's a helping response. One more scenario. Imagine your 00:24:40.000 --> 00:24:47.019 roommate or your spouse fails to take responsibility for things around the house. I know this never 00:24:47.019 --> 00:24:51.460 happens, but just imagine. Roommate or spouse fails to take responsibility for things around the house. 00:24:52.440 --> 00:24:57.700 Enabling might mean to do this. You know, you just want to keep the peace. Life is stressful. 00:24:57.700 --> 00:25:03.319 So you just end up letting the thing build up and build. The dishes get higher and higher and higher. 00:25:03.360 --> 00:25:07.380 The laundry pile gets higher and higher and higher. Whatever the things are, you just let it go, 00:25:07.480 --> 00:25:12.220 let it go, let it go. And then finally, you just go, I can't take it anymore. And then you just go and 00:25:12.220 --> 00:25:18.319 you do it. And then it happens again and again and again. And you just do their things and do their 00:25:18.319 --> 00:25:22.860 things. And they don't do them. And you do them for them. And maybe you keep the peace for a while. 00:25:22.859 --> 00:25:28.240 But then maybe things build up and eventually you completely explode. Right? You just get really 00:25:28.240 --> 00:25:33.899 angry. Right? Especially in certain Christian circles. You know, if you're a Christian woman 00:25:33.899 --> 00:25:39.599 and you're married, there can be these sort of latent, tacit expectations that in a Christian home, 00:25:40.159 --> 00:25:46.179 the wife should do all of the things in the home. And so there can almost be some context in which the 00:25:46.180 --> 00:25:53.420 kind of church culture tacitly or maybe even explicitly reinforces this idea that the only one 00:25:53.420 --> 00:25:59.160 really responsible for things in the home is the mom, the wife. Right? So say this is happening. 00:25:59.620 --> 00:26:03.299 An enabling response would be to just do it and do it and do it and do it and do it and either be 00:26:03.299 --> 00:26:10.420 resentful or maybe blow up. Helping response would be to do something like this. You initiate a calm 00:26:10.420 --> 00:26:17.560 and respectful conversation. And you say, hey, I've noticed that I've been taking on most of the 00:26:17.560 --> 00:26:24.120 responsibilities around the house. Avoid all or none language. I do everything. You do nothing. Avoid 00:26:24.120 --> 00:26:34.160 that. It's very tempting, but they'll get you on a technicality. So you say, I've noticed that I've 00:26:34.160 --> 00:26:40.400 been doing most of the things around the house. That's the truth. Then what's the feeling? I'm feeling 00:26:40.400 --> 00:26:46.920 really overwhelmed. I'm feeling really overwhelmed. For this to work. Remember we said a few weeks 00:26:46.920 --> 00:26:52.040 ago, we're all responsible for building the kind of home that we want to live in, the kind of church 00:26:52.040 --> 00:26:57.300 that we want to live in. For this to work, it's essential for both of us to share responsibilities. 00:26:58.440 --> 00:27:05.880 Can we sit down and divide up the tasks and decide very clearly who's responsible for doing what? 00:27:05.880 --> 00:27:12.420 And maybe you even put it in writing and maybe even put it in with a fridge magnet on your fridge. 00:27:12.960 --> 00:27:19.480 Here's my stuff. Here's your stuff, right? Now, what do all these examples have in common? Think about 00:27:19.480 --> 00:27:26.500 all the examples we've just gave. What do they all have in common? Well, genuine help means having good 00:27:26.500 --> 00:27:32.780 boundaries. It means having good boundaries. You're not refusing to help, but what you are saying 00:27:32.779 --> 00:27:39.379 is you're communicating that you have limits. You're communicating that you have needs, 00:27:40.339 --> 00:27:47.720 right? So good boundaries communicate that. They clearly define what you are and are not responsible 00:27:47.720 --> 00:27:56.019 for. And very important, good boundaries keep everybody's pack on their back and not try to put 00:27:56.019 --> 00:28:03.960 it off on somebody else's back. Now, here's the thing to watch out for. When people who don't have 00:28:03.960 --> 00:28:14.420 good boundaries start to encounter boundaries, what happens? Sparks fly. People who aren't used to 00:28:14.420 --> 00:28:21.180 boundaries, when they encounter boundaries, they will often experience that as unloving, uncaring, 00:28:21.180 --> 00:28:29.340 harsh. I thought you were my friend. I thought you cared about me, but you won't do this one thing 00:28:29.340 --> 00:28:36.460 for me, right? Sparks are going to fly. The temptation can be to relax the boundaries, 00:28:37.279 --> 00:28:44.920 but boundaries have to be maintained because good boundaries are essential for relationships to thrive. 00:28:45.660 --> 00:28:51.000 And again, good boundaries don't mean I'm not involved. There's such a thing as overdoing it with the 00:28:51.000 --> 00:28:56.440 boundaries. And sometimes when you talk to people who talk a lot about boundaries, what they need is 00:28:56.440 --> 00:29:01.059 actually to be told some of those walls need to come down a little bit because we do need to bear 00:29:01.059 --> 00:29:07.180 one another's burdens, right? But the thing is, boundaries, appropriate boundaries have to be 00:29:07.180 --> 00:29:14.799 maintained because, and this is just true, you cannot have a relationship with someone who habitually 00:29:14.799 --> 00:29:21.639 disregards your boundaries. You can't have a relationship, a real, meaningful, healthy, thriving 00:29:21.639 --> 00:29:27.200 relationship with somebody who habitually disregards you. Now, we all, we all overstep boundaries. That 00:29:27.200 --> 00:29:32.480 happens all the time. But sometimes if you encounter a person who just that, they habitually do it all the 00:29:32.480 --> 00:29:37.099 time in lots of different ways, right? Your physical boundaries, your emotional boundaries, right? 00:29:37.619 --> 00:29:42.299 If they're constantly trying to manipulate you, transgressing your emotional and psychological 00:29:42.299 --> 00:29:47.659 boundaries, you can't have a relationship if the boundaries aren't in place. And the thing that we 00:29:47.659 --> 00:29:51.619 need to understand is all of us at one point or another, we're going to be on both sides of this. 00:29:51.700 --> 00:29:55.639 All of us are going to be in positions where we need to set better boundaries. And we're also going to 00:29:55.639 --> 00:30:01.440 find ourselves in the position where we have to respect someone else's boundaries. And so this is a 00:30:01.440 --> 00:30:06.919 warning to all of us who will encounter boundaries that maybe weren't there before or we didn't expect 00:30:06.920 --> 00:30:16.600 to find, right? If somebody sets a boundary with you and you get angry or you get upset and your 00:30:16.600 --> 00:30:21.019 impulse is to say, I thought you cared about me or to feel rejected or unloved by that person, 00:30:21.240 --> 00:30:28.600 that is a fantastic opportunity for you to do some deep self-reflection and maybe some repenting. 00:30:29.880 --> 00:30:36.600 One of our hopes for this church is that this would be a kind of laboratory because we all come in and 00:30:36.599 --> 00:30:42.119 we import all kinds of things from our background, from our family. Nobody comes from a perfect 00:30:42.119 --> 00:30:48.659 background. And we all have to relearn how to have godly relationships together. And so there's going 00:30:48.659 --> 00:30:53.559 to be a lot of experimenting here with boundary setting because we want to have healthy godly 00:30:53.559 --> 00:30:59.519 relationships. But it's a trial and error process. And so with all of this, we need to have an enormous 00:30:59.519 --> 00:31:05.339 amount of grace and patience with one another. But we need to look at the fact that Jesus himself 00:31:05.339 --> 00:31:11.659 actually had boundaries. People routinely tried to manipulate Jesus, but he would have none of it. 00:31:12.039 --> 00:31:16.059 Matthew 21 is this great example. The religious leaders tried to pull Jesus into an argument 00:31:16.059 --> 00:31:24.119 and they had ulterior motives for wanting to pull Jesus into this argument. And as soon as Jesus sees that 00:31:24.119 --> 00:31:29.699 they are not interested in searching for truth, he cuts off the conversation and he goes back to 00:31:29.700 --> 00:31:38.240 preaching. He's like, I'm not doing this. We're not playing this game. You know, in Luke chapter 5, Jesus is 00:31:38.240 --> 00:31:43.860 surrounded by throngs of people, some who have traveled a great distance in the hopes that he might heal them 00:31:43.860 --> 00:31:49.920 or deliver them. And yet at Luke 5, it says that Jesus would routinely, not just when he got overwhelmed and 00:31:49.920 --> 00:31:56.600 burned out, he would routinely withdraw from the crowds to go be alone and to pray, sometimes spending all night in 00:31:56.599 --> 00:32:01.419 prayer. Jesus, how could you leave all of these people? They all came to see you. They all need 00:32:01.419 --> 00:32:09.500 things from you. Why does Jesus do it? It's because Jesus knows that everything he's doing hinges on his 00:32:09.500 --> 00:32:16.679 relationship with God, on his psychological and emotional well-being. Jesus was fully human as well 00:32:16.679 --> 00:32:23.759 as fully divine. And so you see Jesus habitually prioritizing his relationship with the Lord and his 00:32:23.759 --> 00:32:31.359 emotional and psychological health so that he can be available to meet the needs that present themselves 00:32:31.359 --> 00:32:36.720 to him. He has his priorities in order. That's what it means to have boundaries. Now, we're wrapping up here, 00:32:36.759 --> 00:32:41.859 and I told you at the beginning that this is directly related to what we believe about the gospel, and now I'm 00:32:41.859 --> 00:32:54.079 going to tell you why. When we enable people, even when we do it with the best of intentions, we are denying the 00:32:54.079 --> 00:33:02.099 truth of the gospel. We are denying the truth of the gospel because instead of pointing people to their 00:33:02.099 --> 00:33:09.079 Savior, we are trying to be their Savior, we are trying to be their Savior. We're trying to take the place of their 00:33:09.079 --> 00:33:17.319 Savior. And as Christians, we know that we have a Savior. We know that Jesus has come to do for us what we 00:33:17.319 --> 00:33:23.719 cannot do on our own. We know that the entire gospel hinges on that fact that at the end of the day, all of our 00:33:23.719 --> 00:33:29.980 hope rests in the fact that we have a God. When we cry out to that God and cry out for mercy, that that God 00:33:29.980 --> 00:33:37.039 responds with grace and love and pours those things into our lives. We know that Jesus will ultimately heal 00:33:37.039 --> 00:33:43.160 all who are oppressed, liberate all. He will set all the captives free, and that one day he will renew and 00:33:43.160 --> 00:33:49.259 restore this world, that there will be no more suffering. We know all of that. That is where our hope rests. 00:33:51.140 --> 00:33:58.940 So true help always involves pointing people to Jesus, not trying to take his place. 00:33:59.980 --> 00:34:01.099 Let's pray. 00:34:04.240 --> 00:34:08.219 Lord, we thank you for Jesus. We thank you for the hope that we have. 00:34:09.280 --> 00:34:18.900 We thank you that we have limits. And we thank you that in our creatureliness, in our creaturely limits, 00:34:19.599 --> 00:34:28.740 our limits of time and energy and money, our limits of compassion and empathy, and our limits of faith, 00:34:28.739 --> 00:34:38.039 and our limits of, around our families and our friendships, Lord, we thank you that in all of our 00:34:38.039 --> 00:34:46.259 creaturely limits, that we are continually reminded that you are the one without limits, that you are the 00:34:46.259 --> 00:34:52.739 one who's able to do the impossible, that you are the one who's able to do far more than we can ask or 00:34:52.739 --> 00:34:59.879 even imagine. We pray ultimately that as we seek to be a helping, loving, caring, burden-sharing community, 00:34:59.879 --> 00:35:06.039 that our hope would not ultimately rest in ourselves, but that our hope would rest continually, 00:35:07.039 --> 00:35:15.979 forever and always, in you, who bore the ultimate burden on the cross, who rose from death and calls us to new 00:35:15.980 --> 00:35:24.579 life in freedom. We pray that because of this, our service would be motivated by love and joy. 00:35:25.340 --> 00:35:27.679 We pray this in your son's holy name. Amen.