Would you open up your Bibles now to Colossians chapter 3?
It's on page 1170.
I'm going to start by reading Colossians chapter 3.
I'm going to be preaching on 18 and 19, the roles of men and women in marriage.
But I'm going to start in verse 12 in the reading.
And I'll read through verse 19.
May God bless the hearing of His Word.
Put on then as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience.
Bearing with one another, and if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.
And above all these, put on love, the love.
Which binds everything together in perfect harmony.
And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called into one body.
And be thankful.
Let the Word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom.
Singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs.
And with thankfulness in your hearts to God in whatever you do, in word or deed.
Do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through Him.
Wives, submit to your husbands as is fitting in the Lord.
Husbands, love your wives.
And do not be harsh with them.
May God bless the hearing and now preaching of His Word.
There's this one particular scene in the Princess Bride.
Princess Buttercup and the evil Prince Humperdinck are kneeling at the altar.
And the priest has his back turned.
And the priest turns and he signals them to rise.
And then the priest says,
Marriage.
Marriage is what brings us together today.
It's quite a scene.
You have a incompetent religious professional making a mockery of the institution of marriage.
We live in a culture that is terribly confused about marriage.
Not just the nature of marriage, but the roles of men and women in marriage.
There's even confusion within the church about the roles of men and women within a Christian marriage.
Brothers and sisters, we need clarity.
And God's Word gives us clarity.
Biblically speaking, marriage is an exclusive commitment between one man, one woman, to each other, for life, before God.
And we've reached a point in the book of Colossians where Paul has moved from addressing the church to now addressing households.
And what we have in 3.18-4.1 is what's called a household code.
A household code.
It's hard to talk about.
It's even hard to say from the pulpit.
Household slaves and masters.
A household code is actually a spelling out of the authority structure within a household.
And Paul begins the household code section with instructions to wives and husbands in marriage.
Marriage is not why we've come together today.
Christ is.
And so what I'm going to argue for this morning from the Bible, from this text that we're going to read that many of us are wondering about.
Christ must be the controlling center of our marriages, brothers and sisters.
Christ must be the controlling center.
So here's how we're going to proceed.
I just want to help you think about Christian household codes.
And the nature of authority.
And then we're going to look at the call to Christian husbands.
And then the call to Christian wives.
And then I'm calling you out to the dance floor.
Christ must be the controlling center of our marriages.
Of our marriages, brothers and sisters.
We will experience Christocentric resonance in our marriages.
The peace of Christ.
The peace of Christ ruling our hearts.
The word of Christ dwelling richly among husband and wife.
And we're doing everything in word and deed.
Our roles played out in the name of Jesus.
Do I have an amen?
Amen.
So regarding household codes and authority.
Back in the first century, a household code provided clarity to the relationships within a household.
And at that time, it regarded marriage in terms of, and as well as parenting children, as well as relationships with household slaves.
This past week, I read three household codes.
One written by Aristotle.
The other written by Philo.
The other written by Josephus.
And all three had two things in common.
You ready?
These non-Christian household codes, they made the man, the head of the home, the controlling center of the household.
These non-Christian codes did.
And secondly, these non-Christian household codes, they demeaned those who were in an inferior position.
They were in a subordinate role.
And so, all three of the codes, they obviously valued wives, children, and slaves less than the man of the home.
But then when you look at Christian household codes, like we have in Colossians 3, Ephesians 5 and 6, 1 Peter chapter 3, they are revolutionary.
A Christian household code insists on Christ being the controlling center of a household.
You can see it in our passage.
Wives, submit to your husbands as is fitting to the Lord.
Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord.
Bondservants, obey in everything those who are your earthly masters, fearing the Lord, in verse 22.
Whatever you do, as do it as the Lord, you're serving the Lord Christ, in verse 24.
And then finally, he turns to masters.
And masters of the first century household would have been the fathers and husbands as well.
So, one man.
He says to them,
Masters, treat your bondservants justly and fairly, knowing that you also have a master in heaven.
Reverence to the Lord Jesus.
Every person in a household is called to make Jesus the controlling center of their life.
It's revolutionary.
All the members, here's another difference.
All the members of a Christian household are to be dignified.
Despite their role, they're to be dignified as having equal value.
A husband who leads his home isn't, in God's eyes, more valuable than his wife or his children.
No, we're all image bearers.
We are all equally in need of being saved.
But one of the things I also want you to notice, and this is debatable within the Christian church,
Paul preserves an authority structure that is grounded in the order of creation.
And so, he looks to husbands and fathers to be the unique leader of the home.
Having a unique responsibility.
I'm going to come back to that in a little bit.
But I just want you to help you see that the purpose of a household code is to bring priests in order to a household.
And we're to do this in a Christocentric way.
In a way that dignifies everyone in our home.
Now, let me just speak a word about authority.
I'm guessing when you hear the word authority,
authority, you think power.
The power to tell someone else what to do.
Our culture isolates authority as something to be grasped for in order to get your agenda done.
Here's how I want you to think about authority.
Authority is the function of responsibility.
Authority is an outworking of responsibility.
When God entrusts people to another person,
He grants them authority to act on their behalf.
For their well-being.
That's Christian authority operating in an understanding of Christian responsibility.
We don't divorce authority from responsibility.
We understand it as a necessary function of it.
And so the elders of a church are given authority to act on behalf of the members of the church
because they have a responsibility before the Lord
to oversee the church for the church's well-being.
And God gives responsibility, a unique responsibility to husbands and fathers in Christian households
for the well-being of their wives and children.
And that's why He gives us a unique authority
to be used for the well-being of those in our homes.
So we need to be thinking well about these things.
A Christian household are to be Christ-centered and dignifying of all.
And the God-given authority given to people with a responsibility
is for the good of those in the household.
So now let's look at the call to Christian husbands.
Verse 19.
Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them.
Let me just remind you of who's being addressed here.
Because this is not a new start in the book of Colossians.
This is coming out of what we just read,
what we've just been studying,
what we've been seeking to apply.
Brother, if you're a Christian married man in the room,
God is addressing you here clearly.
Husbands, love your wives.
These married men have been delivered from the domain of darkness
and transferred into the kingdom of the beloved son.
These married men have been given a new identity.
They have been united with Christ in His death and His resurrection.
Their identity is not so much in their manness
as first and foremost in their being in Christ.
They have a new aim.
Seek the things that are above, where Christ is.
They have a new time frame.
They are wanting to live out their lives,
realizing they're in between the first coming
and the second coming of Christ.
They got a new wardrobe.
These Christian men,
they are to put off the old self
with all of their grave clothes
and put on the new self of Christ-likeness,
compassionate hearts,
kindness,
humility,
meekness,
patience,
and above all else,
love.
And so brothers,
here's what you've got to understand at the forefront.
I want you to feel the weight of this.
We see it played out in Genesis 1, 2, and 3.
Just as God held Adam accountable
for his family
in Genesis 3, 9,
in a unique way,
God is going to hold you accountable
for your family
in a unique way.
It's a responsibility
he's entrusted to you.
Their well-being.
And so brother,
as the head of your home,
you must love your wives.
The well-being of your wife
is your top priority.
And the way you
show this responsibility,
the way you show this commitment,
the way you lead your wife,
the way that you exercise
this authority
given to you by God
is by loving your wife.
That word love
in verse 19
follows on the heels
of the use of the word love
in verse 14.
And above all these,
put on the love.
The Christ-like love
of John 13, 34, and 35.
It's the,
you want to flip over
to Ephesians chapter 5.
It's this kind of love.
Husbands, love your wives
as Christ loved the church
and gave himself up for her
that he might sanctify her,
having cleansed her
by the washing of water
with the word.
This kind of love
that we're talking about here
is not a domineering love.
It's not a tyrannical love.
It's not an abdicating love.
It's a self-sacrificing love.
It's I'm going to lay my life down
for my wife,
for her well-being.
All unto Christ.
For the well-being
of her physical body,
for the well-being
of her mental health,
of her emotional health,
of her relational health,
and of course,
her spiritual health.
I'm going to sacrifice myself
for her comprehensive well-being.
You know what the result is?
When a brother's loving his wife like that,
do you know what happens?
Your lady thrives.
She blossoms.
She experiences,
through your loving leadership,
joy,
gladness,
safety,
support.
Brother, imagine this.
You're at the judgment
and your wife goes first.
The Lord Jesus asks her,
so how did Mike do?
Jenny's like,
eh.
I'm anticipating that time.
Jesus is going to look at me
and I'm going to,
hmm.
But if Jenny says this,
or your brother,
your wife says this,
Mike wasn't perfect.
He stepped on my toes a lot.
But man,
he helped me to thrive
for you.
He helped me to treasure you,
Lord Jesus.
He gave himself
so that I could treasure you,
Lord Jesus.
I don't need to hear anything else.
What a day.
Brothers,
ours is a high,
Christ-like call.
to love your wives.
There's a qualification.
Don't be harsh with them.
Let me just put in some other words.
Don't be domineering.
Don't bully.
Don't demean.
Don't despise.
Don't be impatient.
That word harsh
literally means to become embittered.
So let's just say
your wife comes up to you
and she's like
trying to help you
not to sin.
You might become embittered.
Don't be embittered
because she's trying
to help you follow Jesus.
Thank her.
This word harsh
gives me an opportunity
to talk about abuse.
This rules out
any
physical abuse.
It rules out
any emotional,
verbal,
sexual abuse.
Brothers,
we may not
abuse our wives.
It's an abuse
of your responsibility.
God has not
called you to that.
You're not to sin
against your wives
like that.
It's the very opposite
of laying your life
down for your wife's
good.
I have another qualification.
This isn't apostolic.
This isn't written
in holy script.
I'd put it this way.
Paul just said
don't be harsh with them.
I would say
brothers,
don't be hiding
from them.
Don't be checking out.
Harshness is a distortion
of your responsibility
by way of tyranny.
Checking out
and hiding
is a distortion
of your responsibility
by abdication.
It is
an abdicating
of the responsibility
given to you,
brother,
by God himself.
You might say to me,
oh Mike,
she's more spiritual
than I am.
She's more mature
than me.
Okay,
that's fine.
That doesn't relieve you
of the responsibility
of laying your life
down for her good.
Mike,
she's more effective
than I am.
She gets things done.
Great,
utilize it.
That doesn't relieve you
of the responsibility
God has given you.
Mike,
I'm compromised
by my own sin.
I've been hamstrung.
I think
that there's
a wicked scheme
of the devil
out there right now.
Hamstringing men,
Christian men
from leading
in their homes
because they know
they've disqualified
themselves.
Brothers,
whatever sin it may be,
don't be hiding.
don't be hiding
from your wife.
She's part
of the solution
to you
living
an uncompromised
life.
A life
of integrity.
These are weighty
issues,
aren't they?
But there's
goodness
to this.
Brothers,
responsibility
is good.
It's good.
you might be
asking right now,
what do I do?
What do I do?
Here's what you do.
Treasure Jesus
above all else.
Treasure him.
Make him center
of all that you are
and you bring
that to your wife.
You bring that
to your marriage,
brother.
That's what you do.
I'm going to give you
some dance instructions
and a little bit
of some steps
you can take.
The first thing
is the most important
thing
and that is to make
Jesus your first love.
More than you love
yourself,
more than you love
your spouse.
Having said that,
the call to Christian
husbands now look
at the call
to Christian wives.
I know everybody
in the room wants
to know what
submit means.
Submit means.
But let me just
remind you,
sister,
of who you are.
If you're a married
Christian woman,
God is addressing
you directly.
Wives,
submit to your husbands
as is fitting
in the Lord.
The women being
addressed here
are married women
who've been transferred
from the domain
of darkness
into the kingdom
of the beloved son.
The women
that he's addressing
here are women
with a new identity.
These women
have been united
with Christ
in his death
and resurrection.
So their identity
is not being
in a wife
or being the wife
of this particular man.
First and foremost,
their controlling identity
is that they've been
united with Christ
in his death
and resurrection.
Ladies,
do I have an amen?
Amen.
They have a new aim
to seek the things
that are above
where Christ is.
It's Christ
that you serve.
New time frame.
You live
in between
the first coming
and second coming
of Jesus.
Church,
what time is it?
It's Christ time.
Ladies,
you've got a new attire.
It just so happens
to be the same attire
as your husband's.
To put off
the old self
and to put on
new Christ-likeness,
compassionate hearts,
kindness,
humility,
meekness,
patience,
love.
Did you hear
what's going on here?
We've got husband
and wife
adorned in Christ
dancing the dance
of marriage.
So now we come
to this word submit.
Sister,
when you read
that word submit,
that despite what
our culture may say
and despite
what you may feel,
that word submit
doesn't mean
you're inferior.
That's not what
it's getting at.
We fully embrace
the equal value
of men and women
in our church.
God's given
different roles.
That's why
this word is here.
But you need
not fear it.
You're not inferior.
Kevin DeYoung
is one of my
favorite preachers
and one of my
favorite thinkers.
He wrote an article.
I got it somewhere.
Here.
Here it is.
Let us reason
together about
complementarianism.
That's a huge word.
But that's
kind of what's behind
what we're talking about.
If you want to learn
about this,
there are 30 copies
of this article
outside
in the
Connect Desk.
Grab one.
But in this article,
he makes a case
that the 38 times
this word submit,
hypotasso,
is used
in the New Testament,
it's always referring
to one party,
always in a relationship
with one party
in authority
over another.
The party
in the subordinate
role is called
to submit.
to the authority
of the one
who has a responsibility.
So,
here's how to think
about submission.
Submission
is a willing
coming under,
a willing
coming under
the God-given
authority
and responsibility
of someone else.
That's what
submission is.
Willingly coming
under God's
good design
of something.
It's a wife
saying,
my husband
has a God-given
responsibility,
for me,
and I will
entrust myself
to him.
That's what
submission is.
Now,
this isn't done
blindly,
because I'm guessing
in many of your
minds right now,
you're saying,
well,
what about this?
What about that?
I'm not trying
to be Pollyanna here.
I'm not trying
to see things
in rose-colored
glasses.
What we do need
to hear clearly,
though,
is what God
is saying to you.
What God
is,
just imagine
this.
If a Christian
wife
is thoroughly
convinced
by her husband's
actions
that he is
sacrificing himself
for her well-being,
do you know
what that does?
Do you know
what that does?
that makes
submission a joy?
That positions
her to respond
well.
She has confidence
in you,
brothers.
At the heart
of responsibility
is trustworthiness,
and at the heart
of trustworthiness
is character,
integrity.
If you want
to look at
Ephesians
chapter 5,
22
through 24,
we read this.
Wives,
submit to your
own husbands,
not to somebody
else's husband.
Wives,
submit to your
own husbands
as to the
Lord,
for the
husband is
the head
of the
wife,
even as
Christ is
the head
of the
church,
his body
and himself
as Savior.
That's an
actual argument
from the
order of
creation.
Now as
the church
submits to
Christ,
so also
wives should
submit in
everything to
their husbands.
Husbands,
love your
wives as
Christ loved
the church
and gave
himself up
for her.
Do you
see what's
going on
here?
Our
marriages
are living
parables
of Christ's
relationship
to the
church.
It's a
dance we
get to
dance,
brothers and
sisters.
Some of
us husbands,
we are
demonstrating
Christ-like
love and
initiating with
our wives in
a certain
way and
our wives
are demonstrating
a church-like
response.
It's a
beautiful
dance.
And when
Jesus Christ
is the
functional
center of
a marriage,
marriage,
this dance
has a
Christocentric
resonance to
it.
The peace
of Christ
ruling hearts,
the word of
Christ dwelling
richly among
them,
and the name
of Christ
being exalted
in all that
they do.
That's what
we're being
called to.
Don't settle
for less.
Let's aim
for more.
There's a
qualification.
to this
wives,
submit to
your husbands
as is
fitting in
the Lord.
Christian
wife,
there is
only one
person in
your life
who has
unconditional,
unilateral,
indefinite,
authority over
every aspect of
your life.
Do you know
who it is?
It's not your
husband.
It's the Lord
Jesus Christ.
Your husband's
authority is a
derived authority
from God
himself, and he
is to exercise
that authority out
of his responsibility
for you, for
your well-being
in Christ.
Christ.
So here's
what that
means.
Your
willing
submission to
your husband
is a
means to
magnifying
Christ.
It's for
him.
He's your
new aim.
Your
husband must
not take the
place of Jesus
Christ in your
life.
He can't.
but you
can follow
him in a
way that is
for Christ.
He's seated
in the
heavenlies
right now.
Set your
sights on
what is
above.
Here's another
thing that this
means, this
qualification as
is fitting in
the Lord.
Sister, you
willingly submit
to your
husband in
so far as
it pleases
Christ.
if your
husband is
demanding you
to do
something that
grieves the
Lord Jesus to
lie in a tax
form, to
go rob a
bank, you
say no.
With full
authority knowing
it doesn't
please Christ
and it's
Christ who
matters most.
Now you
may be able
to have to
say something
like this,
honey, I'm
happy to
follow you
as long as
Christ is
exalted but
I will not
lie for you.
I will not
deceive others
for you.
I can't.
Jesus Christ
is your
ultimate Lord
sister.
Brothers, are
you hearing
me?
Are you
hearing me?
Sister, here's
something else
this means.
You're not
trapped in
your husband
has been
given a
God-given
responsibility
and authority
for you,
yes, but
he's
accountable.
He's
accountable to
God himself
and to the
elders of our
church.
We're not
going to
tolerate
abuse in
Christ the
King
church.
You know
why?
It's not
Christ-like.
In all of
this, I would
say one thing,
sisters.
Don't grab
the reins.
Let your
husband lead.
With all this
said, let your
husband lead.
In fact,
encourage him.
Say, you go
brother.
Lead us unto
Christ.
How can I
help?
Now you may be
asking this
question, what
if I'm married
to an
unbeliever?
Non-Christian.
Do you know
what you do?
You submit to
your non-Christian
husband in what
you can as unto
the Lord.
And look at
1 Peter 3.
Now, if
you're a
sister in the
room who's
married and
you sense God
addressing you and
now you're asking
the question, what
do I do, Mike?
How do I
respond?
Do you
remember what I
told the
husbands?
Treasure Christ
above all else.
Make him central
to all that you
are and walk in a
manner worthy of
the Lord and what
he's called you to
as a wife.
And then we
bring in this
Christ-like
wardrobe into
our marriages.
Which now brings
me to the
call to the
dance floor.
Next month, I
told you this last
week, the
Salvati's are
heading out to
Iowa City, Iowa.
I don't think we
would go there for
any other reason
other than my
nephews getting
married.
And I know what
awaits.
What awaits in
Iowa City is a
dance floor.
And I'm planning
on bringing Jenny
out on the dance
floor.
I'm going to draw
her close and
we're going to
lead her as the
music plays and
we're going to
work together.
I am a lousy
dancer.
I am a boring
dancer.
I know that's
hard to believe.
It's true.
Here's the
mistake I make.
I just start
doing a circle
move.
I think I'm
doing pretty good
and then Jenny's
like, oh.
I also step on
Jenny's toes.
And I love it
when she tells me,
Mike, you're
dancing in circles.
Okay.
Mike, you're
stepping on my
toes.
Oh, I'm sorry,
sorry.
Brothers, take
your wives out on
the dance floor.
Dance, brother.
Bring them out.
Lead them.
It's okay you
dance in circles.
She'll tell you.
It's okay you
dance on her toes.
Dance on her toes.
She'll let you
know.
But better that
than do nothing.
So let me give you
five steps.
You ready?
Christocentric
resonantial dance moves.
The first three
happens before you
even greet your wife
in the morning
and wife before you
greet your husband.
Move number one.
Treasure Christ
above all else.
every day.
Seek him.
Behold him.
And your beholding
of him become
like him.
Put off the old
grave clothes.
Put on Christ
like this.
That's where we
start.
Treasure Jesus
more than yourself,
more than your
spouse.
It will go well
with your marriage.
Second, this is
before you get out
on the dance floor.
Kind of warming up.
Thank God.
Thank God for your
spouse.
Thank God for this
calling on you.
Thank God for your
marriage.
When you are
thanking God for
these things,
there's this
goodness.
It's this
graciousness
that brings into,
God brings into a
marriage.
God, thank you so
much for Jenny.
Thank you, God,
for calling me to be
her husband.
Thank you for the
responsibility you've
given me.
Thank you, God,
for this marriage.
Third,
ask God for help.
For yourself first,
before your spouse.
God, would you
please, please help
me lead Jenny in
such a way that
Christ is exalted.
Help me to lead
her to you,
Lord Jesus,
that she would
treasure you more.
And then you start
asking questions.
God, would you
show me if I'm
being irresponsible?
Would you show me
if I'm being harsh?
Would you show me
if I'm hiding out
so that I can step
back in for the
glory of your name?
And then I'll pray,
oh, God, help
Jenny follow me
as is fitting to you.
That's just for
husbands, wives.
We're praying
something similar.
And so what we're
doing here is we're
getting ready to step
out on the dance
floor.
So now number four,
this is how you can
actually play it out,
dance it out.
Husbands, I want to
help you think about
leading your wives
conversationally.
And here's what that
looks like.
This looks like taking
her on the dance floor
and you're going to
lead her in a certain
way.
It's going to be
conversational.
Here's what you do.
First, one of the
things you can raise
with her is, you're
like on the dance
floor.
Honey, how are we
doing?
Are we at peace?
You're treasuring Jesus.
You're thanking God.
You're asking for help.
Are we at peace,
sweetheart?
And if she says no,
you're dancing.
You just didn't,
you're no longer,
it's not like you're
not dancing.
Now you're dancing
because you're going
to make peace.
You're going to forgive
one another as God
and Christ forgave you.
You work it out.
That's part of the
dance.
Or maybe you ask a
spiritual question like,
honey, how are you
doing?
What are you reading
in your Bible?
Can you share it with
me?
What's God teaching you?
How's he growing you?
Are you being tempted
anywhere?
Are you struggling
with anything?
You will know your
wife well enough to
know what she struggles
with.
Ask her about it.
And sisters, when he
does, be honest,
lovingly, kindly,
humbly honest.
Brothers, one of the
most important things
here is a principle
of integrity.
You don't want to be
asking your wife about
her spiritual life
without tending to
your own.
And so, ask her these
questions having been
pursuant of Jesus
yourself.
Brothers, you can take
another step.
You can be leading her
in a step like this.
Sweetheart, hey, how
can we use more of our
financial resources to
advance the kingdom?
And if she says, you
can stop gambling, you
need to receive it as, oh,
thank you, sweetheart.
Totally right.
This is you leading,
opening yourself up.
When you ask these kinds
of questions and start
these kinds of
conversations, you're
obligating yourself to
follow through on it,
brothers.
That's why guys hide
from these kinds of
things.
Step in.
Be willing to follow
through.
There's more we can say.
I'm out of time.
But number five, dance
camp.
The Tipmans, they have a
ministry called Family
Life, and they put on
these weekend conferences
called Weekends to
Remember.
It's a marriage dance
camp.
And the next one that's
coming up that you
should know about is in
Madison.
It's next year, March
3rd, March 14th through
the 16th.
I think we should go to
dance camp together,
brothers and sisters.
Christian marriage is
like a dance.
Between a Christian
husband and a Christian
wife, the husband is
lovingly leading, the wife
is wisely following with
Christ as their
controlling center.
And you know what the
result is?
Christocentric
resonance.
Peace.
The word of Christ, the
name of Christ, ruling.
Marriage becomes a living
parable of the relationship
between Christ and the
church.
It's a great place to
raise children.
marriage.
Marriage is why we've come
together today.
It's not.
Christ is.
And Christ must be the
controlling center of our
marriages.
Do I have an amen?
Let me pray.
Amen.
Lord, help us.
We are men and women, yes,
redeemed by your blood, yes,
filled by your spirit, yes,
we delight in your word, and
yes, we need help.
We need help, Lord.
Give us strength.
Give us wisdom.
I pray for the husbands of
our church that they would
delight in the responsibility
you've given them.
They would delight in it.
And love their wives as you,
Lord Jesus, has loved your
church.
And I pray for the wives of
our church that they would
gladly come under the loving
leadership of their husbands.
All for the glory of your name,
Jesus.
Amen.