WEBVTT 00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:07.200 Well, welcome to all of you. Welcome to Advent, the Brooklyn Parish for Sunday morning worship. 00:00:07.419 --> 00:00:12.919 We are in a series for the last few weeks in a book in the Old Testament called The Song of Songs, 00:00:13.179 --> 00:00:19.960 or some people call it The Song of Solomon. It's a song, Old Testament poetry, written by King Solomon 00:00:19.960 --> 00:00:28.179 late in his life, and it's a vision of an ideal marriage. It doesn't reflect his actual life. It 00:00:28.179 --> 00:00:35.700 reflects a divinely inspired vision of marriage as it ought to be, between Solomon and a woman 00:00:35.700 --> 00:00:43.840 known only as the Shulamite woman, his bride. And yet, even though it is idealized, over the last 00:00:43.840 --> 00:00:51.899 few weeks we've found that it is also tremendously practical, relevant, and realistic. And so we've 00:00:51.899 --> 00:01:00.179 been using it as a guide to learn about intimacy, the kind of intimacy we were made to have with one 00:01:00.179 --> 00:01:04.859 another and the kind of intimacy we were made to have with God. We're trying to learn about that 00:01:04.859 --> 00:01:12.719 by reading this book together. We acknowledge that we live in a society that is at the same time 00:01:12.719 --> 00:01:21.420 over-connected and over-sexualized, and right along with that we are starving for intimacy. 00:01:22.200 --> 00:01:28.219 So we've realized that intimacy is about more than just being connected or being sexually liberated, 00:01:28.620 --> 00:01:33.039 that it's something altogether different. And so that's what we're trying to discover here. 00:01:33.280 --> 00:01:38.460 So each week we're looking at what it takes to build healthy intimacy with others and with God, 00:01:38.459 --> 00:01:44.459 in this week we come to this section of the Song of Songs, chapter 5, verse 2, through chapter 6, 00:01:44.639 --> 00:01:49.199 verse 1. And as we've done every week, we're going to read through this together, and along the way I'm 00:01:49.199 --> 00:01:57.259 going to draw out two points. One behavior that hurts our relationships, and then one behavior that 00:01:57.259 --> 00:02:01.619 actually helps and strengthens our relationships. So as we get started, let's pray together. 00:02:01.620 --> 00:02:11.700 Our Father, we thank you for the gift of relationship. As we look at creation and your 00:02:11.700 --> 00:02:17.900 nature as a Trinitarian being, and your creation of us, we know that from our very earliest moments 00:02:17.900 --> 00:02:23.400 of existence we were created for relationship, for one another and for you. And so we pray that 00:02:23.400 --> 00:02:31.520 these words on this page would be empowered by the Spirit to enable us not just to understand 00:02:31.520 --> 00:02:37.700 intellectually, but rather to begin to experience and to live with the kind of intimacy we were 00:02:37.700 --> 00:02:44.680 made to have with each other, with our wives, our husbands, our friends, our children, our church 00:02:44.680 --> 00:02:49.040 community, and then ultimately with you, that we would not only know your love intellectually, 00:02:49.219 --> 00:02:53.660 but that we would feel it. We pray this in the power of your Spirit, in the name of your Son, 00:02:53.659 --> 00:03:01.719 Jesus Christ. Amen. So we're going to begin reading together, and I'll draw out a couple of 00:03:01.719 --> 00:03:06.219 things, help you understand what's going on, and then we'll get into what this actually says to us. 00:03:06.780 --> 00:03:13.139 So chapter 5, verse 2, this is the beginning of another dream sequence. It's very similar to a dream 00:03:13.139 --> 00:03:19.180 that this woman had earlier in the book. And as we've said before, this is a song, and so it has three 00:03:19.180 --> 00:03:24.200 parts. There's the woman's part, the man's part, and then the chorus comes in every now and then. 00:03:24.260 --> 00:03:30.500 So the woman is singing right now, and she says, I slept, but my heart was awake. That's a way of 00:03:30.500 --> 00:03:37.560 saying that she's dreaming. I slept, but my heart was awake. And then she says, a sound. My beloved is 00:03:37.560 --> 00:03:44.000 knocking. So she's dreaming that she's laying in bed, and she hears a knock at the door. Open to me, 00:03:44.000 --> 00:03:51.060 my sister, he says. My love, my dove, my perfect one. He's in a good mood. For my head is wet with 00:03:51.060 --> 00:03:57.800 dew, my locks with the drops of the night. Now the woman says, I had put off my garment. How could I 00:03:57.800 --> 00:04:04.699 put it on? I had bathed my feet. How could I soil them? My beloved put his hand to the latch, and my 00:04:04.699 --> 00:04:10.379 heart was thrilled within me. I arose to open to my beloved, and my hands dripped with myrrh, my fingers 00:04:10.379 --> 00:04:17.180 with liquid myrrh on the handles of the bolt. I opened to my beloved, but my beloved had turned 00:04:17.180 --> 00:04:24.560 and gone. My soul failed me when he spoke. I sought him, but found him not. I called him, but he gave 00:04:24.560 --> 00:04:31.719 no answer. The watchmen found me as they went about in the city. They beat me. They bruised me. They took 00:04:31.719 --> 00:04:37.360 away my veil, those watchmen of the walls. I adjure you, O daughters of Jerusalem, if you find my beloved, 00:04:37.360 --> 00:04:44.000 that you tell him I'm sick with love. We're going to stop right there, and we're going to draw out our 00:04:44.000 --> 00:04:51.020 first point. What's going on here, minus the watchman bit, which we'll get to in a, in a, in a, 00:04:51.040 --> 00:04:58.280 minus the, the, the late night assault, the first few verses, this is essentially an ancient Near Eastern 00:04:58.280 --> 00:05:04.420 version of a scene that has played out in virtually every bedroom of every marriage that has ever existed 00:05:04.420 --> 00:05:13.640 across all time. It is late. Solomon is feeling amorous, and Solomon is indicating to his wife that 00:05:13.640 --> 00:05:18.280 he's interested in physical intimacy, and he's dropping some serious hints and wanting to know 00:05:18.280 --> 00:05:26.379 if she would be interested as well. And of course, the, the, the, the woman responds, and her response 00:05:26.379 --> 00:05:33.060 is the ancient Near Eastern equivalent of, ah, I've, it's late. I've already taken a shower. I'm in my 00:05:33.060 --> 00:05:40.319 pajamas. I, I've already gotten ready for bed. My retainer is in. I, I, I have a headache. My allergies 00:05:40.319 --> 00:05:45.860 are kicking up. I have an early meeting tomorrow. The kids are still awake. The dog is staring at us. 00:05:46.040 --> 00:05:53.840 So some version of essentially not tonight hunting. And, ah, and so Solomon persists, right? I mean, not in 00:05:53.840 --> 00:05:58.500 a forceful way, but he just kind of persists, hoping that she'll change her mind. And lo and behold, 00:05:58.500 --> 00:06:08.139 she starts to get in the mood. And then when she turns to, to embrace Solomon, she realizes that 00:06:08.139 --> 00:06:12.439 Solomon is gone. And she looks all around. He's nowhere. So she goes out, just like her previous 00:06:12.439 --> 00:06:16.339 dream earlier in the book. She goes out, looks for him everywhere. But this time the police don't help. 00:06:16.339 --> 00:06:21.819 The policemen actually attack her. And then she wakes up and she cries out to the daughters of 00:06:21.819 --> 00:06:27.220 Jerusalem, if you find my love, tell him I'm sick with love. All right, so what's going on here? 00:06:27.220 --> 00:06:35.160 Well, this is a dream sequence, and, and it's an anxiety dream. It's a dream that shows us all of 00:06:35.160 --> 00:06:43.740 the turmoil in her heart, all of the anxiety she feels, all of the, the, the kind of ambivalence 00:06:43.740 --> 00:06:51.600 that she feels. And, and if we had time, we could speculate about all of the fears and all of the 00:06:51.600 --> 00:06:56.400 insecurities that, that are represented in this dream, right? You know, for instance, 00:06:56.399 --> 00:07:03.079 the watchman beating her bit, what is that about? Is that her own guilt being projected 00:07:03.079 --> 00:07:07.859 onto those watchmen? Who knows? We don't really have time to get into that because there's a much 00:07:07.859 --> 00:07:16.239 more relevant immediate point for us to focus on. And that is this, that even in the most ideal marriage, 00:07:16.240 --> 00:07:26.680 even in this vision of a, of an ideal marriage, divinely inspired, you still have misconnections, 00:07:27.560 --> 00:07:36.420 right? Misunderstandings, disappointment, alienation, right? Even in the best marriage, 00:07:36.480 --> 00:07:42.579 that is still a reality. And that's an incredibly important thing to realize. It's so good that this 00:07:42.579 --> 00:07:49.039 is in here because it leads us to our first point, which is this. If we want to build intimacy and 00:07:49.039 --> 00:07:56.740 have healthy, intimate relationships, we must know how to manage our expectations. You have to be able 00:07:56.740 --> 00:08:02.339 to manage your expectations. Now, I want to apply this in a, in a few different ways. First of all, 00:08:02.379 --> 00:08:08.199 for those of you who are married, for those of us who are married, we must learn how to manage our 00:08:08.199 --> 00:08:19.120 expectations of the marriage and of our spouse. Because listen, we all bring expectations into 00:08:19.120 --> 00:08:24.279 our marriage. And it's like, it's like having a piece of toilet paper stuck to your shoe. You don't 00:08:24.279 --> 00:08:28.279 know it's there, you track it into the house, and when you finally realize it, you feel embarrassed 00:08:28.279 --> 00:08:33.620 and like you've soiled the whole place. And that's what these expectations are like. We bring them right 00:08:33.620 --> 00:08:39.879 in and we, they come from all kinds of places, right? Laura and I got married 10 years ago, 00:08:39.879 --> 00:08:45.980 and we thought we were so self-aware. We were, I was trained to be a counselor and a pastor, 00:08:46.060 --> 00:08:49.779 and surely I have worked through all of this. Laura is a brilliant, emotionally intelligent woman. 00:08:50.240 --> 00:08:54.360 We thought, sure, you know, we're progressive. We, we've gotten past all that. And then we started 00:08:54.360 --> 00:09:00.799 to get frustrated with each other. And it was a mystery as to why. I began to get frustrated at 00:09:00.799 --> 00:09:05.439 little things. Like, I would get frustrated that there was no clean laundry after a few weeks. 00:09:07.279 --> 00:09:11.459 It made me sound like a Neanderthal, doesn't it? But I would get frustrated and I began to realize 00:09:11.459 --> 00:09:15.899 it's because I was just assuming that Laura would be the one to do the laundry. We had never talked 00:09:15.899 --> 00:09:20.699 about it, but I just assumed that she would be doing it. It makes me sound so archaic and patriarchal. 00:09:20.819 --> 00:09:25.179 But before you throw stones, you need to understand that that's what happened in my house growing up. 00:09:25.240 --> 00:09:29.259 My mom just always did the laundry. My dad, to this day, I don't think knows how to turn on 00:09:29.259 --> 00:09:34.700 a washing machine. And that's just the way it was. And so I just assumed that. It came from my mom. 00:09:35.500 --> 00:09:40.439 You know, Laura also made some assumptions. She used to get so frustrated that I wouldn't take the 00:09:40.439 --> 00:09:45.939 lead in managing our finances. She would get so frustrated that I just didn't seem as engaged or 00:09:45.939 --> 00:09:52.419 that I would care as much as she would. Well, it also just so happens that her dad was a stockbroker 00:09:52.419 --> 00:09:58.019 for 30 years. Managed all the family's finances, right? Turns out I'm a pastor. 00:10:01.459 --> 00:10:05.299 The best I can do is to tell you the word for money in Koine Greek. 00:10:07.319 --> 00:10:12.039 And it actually turns out that Laura is much better at that than I am. So now she's the Henson 00:10:12.039 --> 00:10:17.279 family CFO. She's just way better than I am, right? But these are frustrations that were connected to 00:10:17.279 --> 00:10:21.319 expectations that we didn't even know we had. They were shaped by our parents and their marriage. 00:10:21.320 --> 00:10:27.200 And this happens all the time. So let me ask you, what are your expectations when you think about 00:10:27.200 --> 00:10:31.800 yourself, when you think about your spouse, when you think about your marriage, right? And if you're 00:10:31.800 --> 00:10:36.180 not married, this is something that you need to be thinking about now. What are the expectations that 00:10:36.180 --> 00:10:43.940 I might be tracking in to my marriage, like toilet paper stuck to my foot? Some expectations are 00:10:43.940 --> 00:10:48.960 necessary. Some are not only realistic, they're necessary. Let me give you a couple examples. 00:10:48.960 --> 00:10:54.139 Marital faithfulness. If you cannot reasonably expect that your spouse is going to be faithful, 00:10:54.280 --> 00:11:00.420 you should not get married. Honesty. You need to just be able to assume that your spouse is honest. 00:11:01.379 --> 00:11:08.800 Not touching one another in anger. These are bedrock expectations that must be there, otherwise 00:11:08.800 --> 00:11:16.900 don't get married. Now some expectations need to be discussed and worked out. One of the examples I just 00:11:16.899 --> 00:11:22.159 gave was the example of household chores and dividing work at home. Who's going to do what? 00:11:22.299 --> 00:11:26.459 That just needs to be worked out in each marriage, and all marriages are different. 00:11:28.620 --> 00:11:37.919 Your sexual expectations. What sex is going to be like, how you are going to think about sex, 00:11:37.980 --> 00:11:42.480 how you're going to communicate your desire for sex, your expectations around the frequency 00:11:42.480 --> 00:11:48.480 with which you will have sex. People are so eager to know what is the norm, how often should we be 00:11:48.480 --> 00:11:52.960 having sex, and really there's no norm. There's a pretty wide range, and it really comes down to 00:11:52.960 --> 00:11:57.360 couples and life stage. The important thing is that you're talking about it, that you're working it out, 00:11:57.639 --> 00:12:02.899 that you're agreeing together on something, right? That has to be worked out. Parenting your kids. 00:12:03.300 --> 00:12:06.820 There's different parenting styles. You just need to work that out. So these are expectations 00:12:06.820 --> 00:12:14.120 that just need to be discussed. But then there's a whole category of expectations that are completely 00:12:14.120 --> 00:12:19.379 unrealistic, and you just need to get rid of them altogether if they're in your marriage. Let me give 00:12:19.379 --> 00:12:28.379 you a few examples. It is unrealistic to expect your spouse to be someone they are not, like your mom 00:12:28.379 --> 00:12:35.580 or your dad. Well, this is the way my dad used to be toward my mom. This is the way my mom used to be 00:12:35.580 --> 00:12:41.020 toward my dad. This is the way they... We're not talking about your parents. These are two completely 00:12:41.020 --> 00:12:47.280 different people. It's unrealistic to expect that. You need to be able to accept your spouse as the 00:12:47.280 --> 00:12:53.040 person they actually are, right? So another unrealistic expectation that comes along with that, it's 00:12:53.040 --> 00:12:59.900 unrealistic to expect your spouse to change in the ways that you want them to change. Now, here's a 00:12:59.899 --> 00:13:05.819 guarantee. They are going to change. You know, an older couple who kind of mentored me in seminary, 00:13:06.120 --> 00:13:10.620 the wife one morning when we came over for the discipleship group we were in, me and some of the 00:13:10.620 --> 00:13:14.559 other people who are part of this group, she was kind of laughing and saying, in the time that I've 00:13:14.559 --> 00:13:19.980 been married to Robert, I've been married to five or six different men. And it took us a minute to get 00:13:19.980 --> 00:13:24.639 what she was saying that, you know, over the course of a long marriage, decades of marriage, we all 00:13:24.639 --> 00:13:31.019 change quite a bit. But here's the thing. Your spouse may not change in all the ways you would 00:13:31.019 --> 00:13:38.039 choose. They're going to change. But if you think you can control how that happens, you've got to let 00:13:38.039 --> 00:13:44.080 that go. That's not your purview, right? That's above your pay grade. That's... You're trying to play 00:13:44.080 --> 00:13:52.100 God, right? It's not your job. Number three, it's unrealistic to expect your spouse to anticipate 00:13:52.100 --> 00:13:59.720 your needs without you stating them. This is a big one. Mind reading is an unrealistic expectation. 00:14:00.620 --> 00:14:05.379 If you can do it, let me know. I've got a lot of ideas for how we can use that talent. 00:14:06.420 --> 00:14:13.040 But until we develop that ability, it's an unrealistic expectation. This gets people into a lot of trouble. 00:14:13.039 --> 00:14:20.620 He should just know what I need. If she really loved me, she would be able to tell that I'm upset. 00:14:22.059 --> 00:14:29.480 If he really loved me, he would know that he should come home and do X, Y, or Z, right? 00:14:30.279 --> 00:14:35.019 Not communicating what we need, not communicating what we want, expecting that our spouse is really 00:14:35.019 --> 00:14:40.459 tuned in if they really love us, using it maybe as a test. How much does he care about me? 00:14:40.460 --> 00:14:48.280 How much does he... If he really cares about me, he will know. No, he won't. He may. He may get lucky 00:14:48.280 --> 00:14:54.840 and stumble upon it. But it's an unrealistic thing to expect that that's going to happen all the time. 00:14:55.280 --> 00:14:59.220 People can't read minds. So a general rule of thumb in your marriage, I would suggest, 00:14:59.980 --> 00:15:04.180 you cannot hold your spouse responsible for needs that you have not directly stated. 00:15:04.179 --> 00:15:11.259 You have to be able to assert yourself and ask for what you want and need. Otherwise, it doesn't count. 00:15:12.919 --> 00:15:17.199 Number four, it's unrealistic. This is a big one. It's unrealistic to expect your spouse 00:15:17.199 --> 00:15:22.539 to meet all of your needs for intimacy. Listen, for most of human history, 00:15:24.000 --> 00:15:28.959 marriages existed as a small part of a whole village. 00:15:28.960 --> 00:15:35.840 And so your need for intimacy and connection and stimulation and support and all those needs were 00:15:35.840 --> 00:15:42.320 diffused across a vast multi-generational network of relationships. Everybody living together, 00:15:42.440 --> 00:15:47.240 working together, multiple generations of your family sharing the same living space, 00:15:47.360 --> 00:15:52.720 all working together in an agrarian society. And so you're raising kids and doing all... This is 00:15:52.720 --> 00:15:56.759 all pre-industrial revolution. The idea that came along with the industrial revolution, 00:15:56.759 --> 00:16:02.240 that a family is isolated and that the husband goes off to work and the wife stays home by herself, 00:16:02.360 --> 00:16:08.720 raising kids largely alone. That is an anomaly in human history. But what it results in is enormous, 00:16:09.500 --> 00:16:12.139 heartbreaking isolation and depression. 00:16:14.340 --> 00:16:20.480 And so we take in our atomized, individualized society, all of our needs for all the different 00:16:20.480 --> 00:16:27.139 relational social needs that we have, and we keep all of that onto one relationship, our marriage. 00:16:28.879 --> 00:16:34.980 No marriage can sustain that. It will crush your marriage. It will crush your spouse. 00:16:37.039 --> 00:16:43.300 Marriages cannot exist in isolation. It's unrealistic to expect that one relationship can meet all of 00:16:43.300 --> 00:16:49.779 those needs. We need community. You need a church community. You need a network of relationships. 00:16:49.779 --> 00:16:53.699 You need friends outside of your marriage. You need couples that you're friends with, 00:16:53.779 --> 00:16:57.720 single people that you're friends with, people, your gender, people, the other gender. You need a 00:16:57.720 --> 00:17:03.339 network of relationships. It's going to be great for your marriage. It's unrealistic to expect that 00:17:03.339 --> 00:17:07.599 of one person, one relationship. Last and most importantly, and then we got to move on, 00:17:09.019 --> 00:17:13.519 it's unrealistic to think that the purpose of your marriage is your personal happiness. 00:17:13.519 --> 00:17:22.200 It's unrealistic to think that your marriage is about your personal happiness. Your marriage is 00:17:22.200 --> 00:17:26.019 not about your happiness. That's not the purpose of marriage. The purpose of marriage is not your 00:17:26.019 --> 00:17:32.759 happiness. It's your holiness. That's a game changer, frame shift, paradigm shift, 00:17:33.160 --> 00:17:39.099 Copernican revolution when you begin to realize that. Marriage is not about finding your soulmate. 00:17:39.099 --> 00:17:49.539 That is a Greek pagan myth. Marriage is about two very flawed people who both desperately need Jesus 00:17:49.539 --> 00:17:58.480 coming together to grow in their faith, to mature in their relationship with Christ, 00:17:58.819 --> 00:18:06.779 to share life and share the road until Jesus comes again. That's what marriage is. 00:18:06.779 --> 00:18:14.440 And so every disappointment you run into, every challenge you face, every missed connection or 00:18:14.440 --> 00:18:20.160 misunderstanding or every time your spouse falls short or you fall short, 00:18:21.539 --> 00:18:26.379 I encourage you not to see that through the lens of your personal happiness. That'll destroy you, 00:18:26.579 --> 00:18:33.220 destroy your marriage. Rather, see it through the lens of your personal holiness. How is this a part of 00:18:33.220 --> 00:18:38.819 what God is doing in my life through this person and through this primary relationship? That's the 00:18:38.819 --> 00:18:46.900 lens that we need to see our marriages through. So build your marriage on those expectations that 00:18:46.900 --> 00:18:55.140 need to be there. Negotiate those expectations that need to be worked out and let go of unrealistic 00:18:55.140 --> 00:19:02.600 expectations. If you insist on holding on to unrealistic expectations, you're holding your spouse hostage. 00:19:02.599 --> 00:19:11.000 You're holding them to something they'll never be able to live up to. So that's marriages. 00:19:11.939 --> 00:19:15.679 A lot of this also applies to people who are dating. So we're not going to get into as much 00:19:15.679 --> 00:19:19.980 detail, but most people ideally who are dating, they're moving toward marriage. And so this is for 00:19:19.980 --> 00:19:24.119 you as well. If you're single and you want to be married, these are things that you need to keep in 00:19:24.119 --> 00:19:28.699 mind as you're thinking about who it is you want to marry. You have expectations about that. 00:19:28.700 --> 00:19:35.200 If anybody's read Aziz Ansari's Modern Romance, it's an amazing book. And I know he's been in the 00:19:35.200 --> 00:19:39.420 news for doing some bad things, and I don't want to get into that. But his book is great and really 00:19:39.420 --> 00:19:45.440 worth a read. He talks about watching his friend Derek on OKCupid, the dating app. And he says his 00:19:45.440 --> 00:19:49.860 friend Derek gets on this app, and he lets his friends watch as he kind of goes through his app. 00:19:50.200 --> 00:19:54.799 And OKCupid pairs him up with this, you know, the first woman that pops up on the screen. You know, 00:19:54.799 --> 00:19:59.899 Aziz says the first woman he clicks on is beautiful. She has a witty profile page. She has 00:19:59.899 --> 00:20:06.759 a good job. They have lots of shared interests, and including they both love sports. And he says 00:20:06.759 --> 00:20:12.639 that his friend Derek, after about a minute of looking, just deletes her and moves on. And Aziz 00:20:12.639 --> 00:20:16.579 says, dude, Derek, what's the problem? What are you doing? She looked amazing. And he's like, 00:20:17.220 --> 00:20:22.899 ah, she liked the Red Sox. She liked the Red Sox. And then what he says is, you know, 00:20:22.900 --> 00:20:26.840 my friend Derek 10 years ago would never, if a woman like that walked into his life, 00:20:26.920 --> 00:20:32.900 he wouldn't even know what to say. He would just, you know, he would just, but on a dating app, 00:20:33.060 --> 00:20:42.120 when all you have to do is click that X or swipe, it's so easy. So we need to manage our expectations 00:20:42.120 --> 00:20:47.200 when it comes to dating. And this can apply to men and women. You know, something worth considering, 00:20:47.200 --> 00:20:57.779 are you open to being with a person who actually exists? Or are you already married to your own 00:20:57.779 --> 00:21:07.240 expectations? Right? Are you open to a real flesh and blood person who may have pores and acne and 00:21:07.240 --> 00:21:17.220 cellulite and snore? Or are you in love with an idealized vision that doesn't walk the earth? 00:21:18.220 --> 00:21:24.339 You know, that's a really challenging, and that can actually happen in marriage. We can have escape 00:21:24.339 --> 00:21:28.759 fantasies when our spouse lets us down by imagining the ideal person that we wish we could be with. 00:21:29.700 --> 00:21:33.599 I, one time early on, you know, Laura and I broke up, and in this extended breakup period, 00:21:33.599 --> 00:21:38.759 I was meeting with a psychologist, and he said, well, let's make an ideal, let's make a list of all 00:21:38.759 --> 00:21:44.179 your ideal attributes, Tommy. Let's just list, who's the ideal woman for you? And let's make a list. 00:21:44.279 --> 00:21:48.099 And, you know, we listed all the characteristics, all the characteristics, and he's just, he's like, 00:21:48.139 --> 00:21:53.500 you know, good news. I actually know a person exactly like this. And I said, really? Who? And he said, 00:21:53.599 --> 00:22:01.859 it's you, you idiot. He's like, you just made a list of yourself. So then we spent months talking 00:22:01.859 --> 00:22:08.859 about my narcissism, and we were able to move me to a better place. So we need to manage our 00:22:08.859 --> 00:22:12.379 expectations, right? This is also true in the church. Last thing I'll say, and then we got to 00:22:12.379 --> 00:22:17.599 move on. It's also true in the church. Many Christians have this idealized vision of Christian 00:22:17.599 --> 00:22:22.240 community. We love the idea of Christian community. But when you actually get into a Christian community, 00:22:22.240 --> 00:22:27.459 you realize that people are real people. They're flesh and blood. And churches are very imperfect, 00:22:27.460 --> 00:22:31.480 perfect. And they make lots of mistakes. And they don't do things that we think they should do. 00:22:31.559 --> 00:22:37.559 And the leaders do things that are incredibly frustrating. And then people are hard to love. 00:22:37.640 --> 00:22:42.539 And relationships are messy. And you're expecting all of these things. And some of those things get 00:22:42.539 --> 00:22:47.980 met, and some of them don't. And unless we're able to manage our expectations regarding churches, 00:22:48.220 --> 00:22:51.720 we'll never find a church home. You'll just bounce around from place to place, 00:22:52.420 --> 00:22:56.720 looking for that perfect church that doesn't exist. A lot of people do that in D.C. And you know what else a lot 00:22:56.720 --> 00:23:05.440 of people do? If you live in D.C. long enough, you will encounter people who advocate a vision 00:23:05.440 --> 00:23:12.860 of Christian community that exists completely apart from the church. It's a vision that says 00:23:12.860 --> 00:23:18.460 it's a more authentic way to do community for us to have spiritual friendships and to meet together 00:23:18.460 --> 00:23:23.220 in coffee shops and have prayer nights in our living rooms. And we don't need the church. 00:23:23.220 --> 00:23:29.620 We can do this better on our own, you know? And so the question becomes, well, if we can do that, 00:23:29.680 --> 00:23:35.339 then who needs the church at all? Why mess around with it? I'll tell you who needs the church. 00:23:36.180 --> 00:23:43.400 People without friends. The socially awkward. The poor. The marginalized. 00:23:53.220 --> 00:24:00.940 People without friends. The socially awkward. The socially awkward. The socially awkward. 00:24:00.940 --> 00:24:05.960 Because here's the beautiful thing about the church. The church is like a family. In the sense 00:24:05.960 --> 00:24:13.160 that by definition, it is not a community that we can curate. You don't get to choose who sits 00:24:13.160 --> 00:24:17.360 next to you in the pews. But here's the thing. You are called to love them all anyway. 00:24:17.359 --> 00:24:23.939 That's something that we all need. But in order to be able to do that, you have to be able to manage 00:24:23.939 --> 00:24:29.819 your expectations. Right? So these are ways that we need to learn to manage our expectations. If we 00:24:29.819 --> 00:24:34.719 want to build intimacy, we have to be able to manage them. And one of the best things that we can do 00:24:34.719 --> 00:24:41.799 is to not focus on our expectations at all, but rather shift our focus instead to the practice of 00:24:41.799 --> 00:24:47.980 affirmation. Affirming the people we love. And so the rest of this passage contains two extended 00:24:47.980 --> 00:24:52.559 sections of affirmation between the husband and the wife. And we're not going to go through it 00:24:52.559 --> 00:24:57.839 verse by verse, but I just want to show you this. Let's move on. The chorus asks, 00:24:58.279 --> 00:25:03.639 what is your beloved more than another beloved? Why is he so special? And here's what she says. 00:25:05.639 --> 00:25:11.240 My beloved is radiant and ruddy. His head is the finest gold. His eyes are like doves beside 00:25:11.240 --> 00:25:17.740 streams of water. We'll keep going. His cheeks are like beds of spices. His arms are rods of gold 00:25:17.740 --> 00:25:24.059 set within jewels. We'll keep going. His legs are alabaster columns. His mouth is most sweet, 00:25:24.160 --> 00:25:30.539 and he is altogether desirable. This is my beloved, and this is my friend, oh daughters of Jerusalem. 00:25:31.000 --> 00:25:35.759 How common it is, I think, for us to get together, women and men, and when we get together, 00:25:35.759 --> 00:25:41.480 we criticize our spouses. We focus on all the ways they're letting us down. We, you know, 00:25:41.519 --> 00:25:45.579 it's in the context of Christian sharing and transparency, but really it's just a, you know, 00:25:45.640 --> 00:25:50.839 a gripe session. And we complain about all the ways we're disappointed. Can you imagine, 00:25:51.059 --> 00:25:55.619 can you imagine if somebody started to kind of get real? And can you, can you imagine if these women 00:25:55.619 --> 00:26:00.200 are sitting here, they're having coffee, and that, that kind of conversation is starting, and then, 00:26:00.200 --> 00:26:05.819 can you imagine one of the women at the table sounding forth about her husband like this and 00:26:05.819 --> 00:26:10.940 saying, this is my beloved, and this is my friend, oh daughters of Jerusalem. Can you imagine that? 00:26:11.779 --> 00:26:16.400 Can you imagine if husbands did that? Can you imagine if we even talked about our marriages when 00:26:16.400 --> 00:26:22.400 we got together? Much less in such affirming ways. That would be a radical culture shift if that 00:26:22.400 --> 00:26:27.860 happened. That would be amazing. So they're affirming each other, not just to one another, 00:26:27.859 --> 00:26:33.779 but to other people. We keep going. They say, where is your beloved gone, oh most beautiful 00:26:33.779 --> 00:26:40.379 among women? Well, where do you think he's gone? My beloved's right here. My beloved has gone down 00:26:40.379 --> 00:26:45.399 to his garden, to the beds of spices, to graze in the gardens, and to gather lilies. It's a metaphor 00:26:45.399 --> 00:26:49.879 for sexual intimacy. She's saying, we've resolved our problems, that misfire from the other night, 00:26:49.939 --> 00:26:54.240 that weird dream I had, we're past it, we're intimate again, things are great in the home, 00:26:54.240 --> 00:27:03.680 all as well. So we keep going. Now he says to her, you are beautiful as Terza, my love. Awesome as an 00:27:03.680 --> 00:27:09.380 army with banners. Turn away your eyes from me, for they overwhelm me. That's so romantic. Keep going. 00:27:10.180 --> 00:27:14.380 We'll skip the hairs like a flock of goats. I just don't think that works at all in our culture. 00:27:15.220 --> 00:27:18.620 Your teeth are like a flock of ewes. That doesn't really work either. Your cheeks 00:27:18.619 --> 00:27:24.159 are like halves of a pomegranate. Go either way with that. There are 60 queens and 80 concubines. 00:27:24.259 --> 00:27:29.979 Don't ever bring up other women when you're complimenting your wife. Don't ever do that. 00:27:30.159 --> 00:27:35.979 Maybe it worked here. It doesn't work now. We'll keep going. My dove, my perfect one, is the only 00:27:35.979 --> 00:27:40.500 one, the only one of her mother, pure to her who bore her. The young women saw her and called her 00:27:40.500 --> 00:27:47.459 blessed. Queens and concubines also, they praised her. Who is this who looks down like the dawn? 00:27:47.460 --> 00:27:53.720 Beautiful as the moon, bright as the sun, awesome as an army with banners. I think that's one of the 00:27:53.720 --> 00:27:59.220 most amazing things. Because there's a sense when he looks at her that there's not just a sexual 00:27:59.220 --> 00:28:05.720 attraction and a desire, but a kind of awe. He's looking at his wife with awe. It makes him tremble. 00:28:06.120 --> 00:28:13.299 He's terrified in the ancient use of the word. You know, terror meaning to tremble. He trembles when he 00:28:13.299 --> 00:28:20.940 beholds his beloved. It's like beholding an army with banners. It's an amazing thing to say. 00:28:22.460 --> 00:28:27.819 Right? So this extended time of mutual affirmation makes the second point pretty clear. If you want to 00:28:27.819 --> 00:28:33.579 build intimacy in your relationships, you need to affirm the one that you love. Affirm them and 00:28:33.579 --> 00:28:40.659 affirm them to other people. And when I say affirmation, I don't just mean empty praise. 00:28:40.660 --> 00:28:47.120 You're so great. Look at how you did that. Dinner's so good. Not that kind of stuff. I'm talking about 00:28:47.120 --> 00:28:53.060 speaking deep words of truth that build your beloved up, that build your friend up, that build 00:28:53.060 --> 00:28:59.400 your spouse up. Speaking to build them up, to validate them, to validate their feelings, to validate 00:28:59.400 --> 00:29:05.600 their experience, to ground them in what is good and true and beautiful about them as a person. 00:29:05.599 --> 00:29:13.480 It's words that affirm and speak to their very identity. And this is like sunlight to a flower. 00:29:14.480 --> 00:29:19.259 Verbal affirmation is crucial in relationships. You know, I brought up earlier in the series a guy 00:29:19.259 --> 00:29:24.000 named John Gottman. He is a marriage counselor who's done an enormous amount of research on healthy 00:29:24.000 --> 00:29:28.740 marriages. And he tries to figure out what are the characteristics of people who end up getting 00:29:28.740 --> 00:29:33.439 divorced and people who thrive, what he calls marriage masters. And he says here, one of the biggest 00:29:33.440 --> 00:29:41.320 differences is the ratio of affirmation to criticism. Affirmation to criticism. He says 00:29:41.320 --> 00:29:45.640 couples who end up getting divorced, who are on the rocks, who don't make it, that their ratio between 00:29:45.640 --> 00:29:50.980 those is about a one-to-one ratio. So for every positive affirming thing that is said, there's also 00:29:50.980 --> 00:29:56.000 some kind of critical remark or there's defensiveness or there's alienation or there's contempt or, 00:29:56.360 --> 00:29:59.039 you know, and it's about a one-to-one ratio. He says those couples don't last. 00:29:59.039 --> 00:30:05.379 But the thriving couples, the thriving couples, the minimum ratio is vastly different. He says the 00:30:05.379 --> 00:30:12.779 minimum ratio of affirming to criticism is at least five to one. Ideally, it's closer to ten to one, 00:30:12.859 --> 00:30:20.259 but at least five to one. So for every one critical comment, for every one defensive, snarky, 00:30:20.259 --> 00:30:28.619 sarcastic comment, there are five truly affirming, encouraging, validating remarks. 00:30:29.400 --> 00:30:33.319 And they say that they maintain that ratio even when they're arguing, even when they're fighting. 00:30:33.519 --> 00:30:37.259 They don't get nasty with each other. Even in the midst of arguments, they joke, they affirm each 00:30:37.259 --> 00:30:41.299 other, they validate each other. There's a general sense in which that ratio is maintained. 00:30:42.440 --> 00:30:47.460 And what's interesting is that this is true in all different kinds of relationships. The Harvard 00:30:47.460 --> 00:30:55.019 Business Review published a completely unrelated study about workplace performance and team leaders 00:30:55.019 --> 00:31:02.900 and bosses, what is the ideal ratio between affirmation and constructive criticism? And guess 00:31:02.900 --> 00:31:09.120 what they found? Five to one. It's really interesting. Nothing to do with Gottman, yet the exact same 00:31:09.119 --> 00:31:19.279 thing was found. So expectation and affirmation, two keys to intimate relationships. And I want you 00:31:19.279 --> 00:31:26.359 to see how these fit together as we kind of bring this all to a close. If you focus on your unmet 00:31:26.359 --> 00:31:33.439 expectations, on your unrealistic expectations, if that's your focus, then you will only tend to see 00:31:33.440 --> 00:31:40.360 deficiencies, you will only tend to see shortcomings and failures, and you will tend to be more critical. 00:31:41.380 --> 00:31:45.640 And that will ultimately undermine the health of your relationship. It will bring that ratio 00:31:45.640 --> 00:31:54.100 down. But if you shift your attention and focus on affirmation, that's going to actually help you to 00:31:54.100 --> 00:32:01.880 see the positives, to see the victories, to see the growth, to see the unexpected blessings that various 00:32:01.880 --> 00:32:07.660 people bring into your life, ways that God maybe was wiser than you thought in giving you this person. 00:32:09.340 --> 00:32:14.300 And then you will tend to be more encouraging, more affirming, and more willing to build people up 00:32:14.300 --> 00:32:20.860 with your words. And that's going to shift that ratio in a good direction. So these are things that we 00:32:20.860 --> 00:32:25.560 need to be thinking about. There's one last thing I want to say before we, before we move on in our 00:32:25.559 --> 00:32:34.559 service, and that is this. I want us to consider the role of expectation in our relationship with God. 00:32:35.759 --> 00:32:42.019 The role of expectation in our relationship with God. Of course, when it comes to our expectations of 00:32:42.019 --> 00:32:47.679 God, we need to realize that our relationship with God is like a marriage. That there are times of 00:32:47.679 --> 00:32:51.759 incredible intimacy. There are times of incredible closeness. There are times when you feel God's 00:32:51.759 --> 00:32:57.299 presence. And then there are also times when God doesn't make sense, when He feels distant, when we 00:32:57.299 --> 00:33:04.819 feel like full of doubt, not even sure if He's there. And that realistic expectations of our spiritual 00:33:04.819 --> 00:33:12.220 life must include those times. Times of closeness and times of alienation, just like any marriage. 00:33:13.039 --> 00:33:18.519 But the real question, and this is what I want you to think about as we go on with our week. This comes 00:33:18.519 --> 00:33:26.539 from a guy named David Benner. Here's the real question. Imagine God is thinking about you. 00:33:29.319 --> 00:33:33.920 What do you imagine God feels when you come into His mind? 00:33:39.500 --> 00:33:46.619 What does God feel when you come into His mind? You know what Benner says? Most people think 00:33:46.619 --> 00:33:55.919 that God feels disappointed. Most people that He talks to would say disappointment. God has these 00:33:55.919 --> 00:34:02.159 expectations. He's done all of this for me. And He has all this great vision for my life. And He has 00:34:02.159 --> 00:34:07.299 all these expectations of the kind of person I'm going to be now that I know Jesus. And I think most 00:34:07.299 --> 00:34:11.460 of the time when God looks at what I'm actually doing and how I'm actually living, that God feels 00:34:11.460 --> 00:34:16.740 profoundly disappointed, frustrated, and that He's just kind of tolerating me. 00:34:22.179 --> 00:34:23.320 That's a pagan idea. 00:34:25.400 --> 00:34:26.460 That's a pagan idea. 00:34:27.519 --> 00:34:29.340 That's not the gospel. That's not Christianity. 00:34:31.559 --> 00:34:36.039 We're anthropomorphizing God when we think that His love is in any way, shape, or form like 00:34:36.039 --> 00:34:39.740 our love. As though when we get frustrated or disappointed or people do what we want, 00:34:39.739 --> 00:34:44.699 that our love is sort of like a flickering flame that can come and go, that it can rise 00:34:44.699 --> 00:34:48.899 and fall, that it kind of gets blown around with the wind. That's a pagan idea. That's 00:34:48.899 --> 00:34:53.379 imagining God is like us. But when we talk about the love of God, we're not talking about 00:34:53.379 --> 00:34:58.419 some fickle emotion driven by neurotransmitters and hormones. We're talking about the very character 00:34:58.419 --> 00:35:01.500 of God. His love is an extension of His character. 00:35:01.500 --> 00:35:13.360 When the Bible says God loves you, that is a constant like gravity that never changes. 00:35:14.000 --> 00:35:18.820 That the heavens and the earth will pass away, but the force of that love remains. That's what the 00:35:18.820 --> 00:35:25.880 word steadfast love means. It's a universal constant. And so no matter what we do, no matter how much we 00:35:25.880 --> 00:35:33.000 screw up or sin, that love never changes, it's never even remotely threatened or touched. Do you know what God 00:35:33.000 --> 00:35:42.220 feels when you come into His mind? He doesn't feel disappointment. He feels delight. Sheer, uncompromising 00:35:42.220 --> 00:35:51.800 delight. God delights in you. That's why God sent Jesus, the proof of His love, to be the embodiment, 00:35:51.800 --> 00:36:00.019 the personification of His love, as proof. You know, this idea that our sin, God got so angry at 00:36:00.019 --> 00:36:06.120 our sin that He sent Jesus to the cross because He was angry and He needed to be appeased. That's a pagan 00:36:06.120 --> 00:36:12.940 idea. That is not the gospel. Do you know why Jesus went to the cross? It's because we, for all of our 00:36:12.940 --> 00:36:20.780 existence, have given our hearts to other lovers, idols. We've given our hearts to our need for, for, 00:36:20.780 --> 00:36:25.440 for, you know, encouragement. We've given to our hearts to our need for success. We've given our 00:36:25.440 --> 00:36:30.079 hearts to our need for safety or control. We've given our hearts to all of these other things. 00:36:31.840 --> 00:36:37.360 All of these lovers who have betrayed us and hurt us again and again and ultimately enslaved us. And so 00:36:37.360 --> 00:36:43.380 God sent Jesus to the cross to set us free from those idols. The reason we sin is because we are 00:36:43.380 --> 00:36:54.840 all idolaters. We're adulterous. God sent Jesus as proof to liberate us, to set us free from sin, 00:36:55.320 --> 00:37:03.980 ultimately to turn us from our idols, to prove to us that no one in existence loves us more than He does. 00:37:03.980 --> 00:37:13.539 And so the great invitation of the gospel is not to trudge along, doing our best, promising it'll be 00:37:13.539 --> 00:37:19.860 better tomorrow, hoping that God continues to put up with us. That's paganism. There's no life there. 00:37:20.880 --> 00:37:28.000 The invitation of the gospel is to surrender yourself more fully to that awesome, terrible love, 00:37:28.000 --> 00:37:40.139 love, to expose the most shameful, unsightly parts of yourself, and to risk that God might respond not with 00:37:40.139 --> 00:37:48.079 rejection, but with embrace. And the more we surrender ourselves to that love, the more we experience it fully, 00:37:48.079 --> 00:37:52.199 and the more intimacy we have with our Maker. Let's pray.