Good evening. Evening. I've got one evening. Thanks, Johnny. Nice to see you out here this
evening with us. As Graham said, my name's Andy, and I'm one of the ministers down at
Nidra Community Church. I think I've spoken here a few times. It's a privilege to be back
with you here this evening. And as you said, we're talking about marriage, and there are
quite a few passages that talk about this important subject, but we're going to just
hone in on Ephesians chapter 5. So if you want to turn with me there, I'm going to read
that, and it's going to be important that you just have that open in front of you, because
I'm going to pretty much be preaching through that text. So Ephesians chapter 5, and we're
on verses 22 to the end of the chapter. All right, let's read this, and I'll pray, and
then we'll get stuck in. So, this is God's word to us. Wives, submit to your own husbands
as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of
the church, his body, and is himself its saviour. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also
wives should submit in everything to their husbands. Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the
church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by
the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendour,
without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.
In the same way, husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife
loves himself. For no one ever hates his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just
as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. Therefore, a man shall leave his
father and mother, and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. This mystery
is profound, and I'm saying it refers to Christ and the church. However, let each one of you
love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband. Amen? Let's pray.
Father God, we thank you for that wonderful bit of scripture we just read, that tells of Christ's
love for his bride, the church. And we just pray as we come to this text, that you'd help me
to honour the Lord Jesus. And I pray for each one of us, that you'd help us to hear from your words.
And not just be hearers, but be doers as well. We desperately need your spirit to take these words,
and then put them in our hearts. We pray you do that this evening. In Jesus' name. Amen.
Amen. So I was speaking to someone a few weeks ago, and he said this to me. He said,
you know what, Andy? Marriage is one of the hardest things I've ever done since becoming a Christian.
Marriage is one of the hardest things I've ever done since becoming a Christian. And for those of us
who are maybe married this evening, I don't know if you can relate to that comment. Marriage can be
difficult, can't it? Because in marriage, what happens is that it brings two sinners together
from different backgrounds, with different ways of doing things, and puts them in a relationship
for life. No wonder the Apostle Paul calls marriage a mystery. A mystery.
So what is this marriage thing all about? Why did God create it? What's this thing all about?
What's the point? Well, if you just look back at our text, Paul gives us the reason for marriage
at the end of our text in verses 31 and 32. Let me say them again. He says,
therefore, a man shall leave his father and mother, and hold fast to his wife, and the two
shall become one flesh. This mystery is profound, and I'm saying that it refers to Christ and the
church. So marriage means two things here. Firstly, marriage is a lifelong union between one man and
between one woman. So in this passage, Paul points back to the account in Genesis 2 that we got read
earlier. In Genesis 2, we see God taking Eve out of Adam because it was not good for man to be alone.
And when Adam sees Eve, he basically jumps out of his skin with excitement, doesn't he? He says this,
at last, I found someone whose bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh. And then God says this,
a man shall leave his parents and then hold fast to his wife. And the language here is that of leaving
and cleaving. A man leaves his family unit and is united with his wife through the act of sex
to make a new family unit. And Genesis 2 points to the fact that sex is for marriage and marriage is
for life. Now in our culture these days, that's been thrown out a little bit, hasn't it? People say
this to me all the time, particularly in Nidri. Marriage, why do I need that? Why can't I just live
my partner? Isn't marriage just a piece of paper at the end of the day and that's it? I love them.
What more do I need than that? But Paul is showing us here that God created marriage in the very
beginning. It was the foundation to the very first society. The Bible actually begins with marriage
right at the beginning and it actually ends with marriage as well. So what the Bible is telling us
is that marriage is important to God. It's not something that we can let go. It's not just a
cultural thing. It's not an old-fashioned institution that doesn't matter anymore. Marriage is deeper
than that piece of paper. It's the foundation for society. It's the safest place to raise children.
It safeguards sex. It gives security to husband and wife. I mean, think about the heartbreak that is
caused by breakups, by broken relationships, the emotional distress that is caused by distress. Maybe some of us
have felt that in our lives. Marriage was created not to be like that. It was created to be a union.
It was created for life. So first, it's that union between man and woman. Secondly, Paul says there's a
deeper spiritual reality going on here. Paul says that the marriage relationship paints a picture
of Christ and the church. What does he mean by that? Well, he says Christ laid down his life for the
church's bride. And in the same way, our marriage relationship should reflect that relationship
that Christ has with his church. To reflect that sacrificial love. It should reflect that profound
love that Christ has for us. Dr. Martin Lloyd-Jones says this, or writes this,
how many of us have realized that we are always to think of the married state in terms of the doctrine
of the atonement. It does not belong to ethics, but we must consider marriage in terms of the
doctrine of the atonement. In other words, what we say is marriage is deep. It points to something.
It points to Christ dying on the cross. It teaches us about the gospel of our Lord Jesus Christ.
And when we think about it, I take that step back. That can help us in our marriage, can't it?
I mean, a lot of people these days get into marriage because they found that perfect person.
And they're going to live happily ever after. They say things like, I found the one. I found
my soulmate. And this lasts until they get married and she finds his toenails in the bed.
Or he finds that her hair has blocked the drain once again. And then suddenly, it's out the window.
Marriage is rosy until we find out the other person is selfish and impatient and unloving.
And it's not the perfect person, the perfect match. In a word, we find out when we get married
that the other person is a big fat sinner. And at the engagement period, there's actually
been a little bit of a sham. But this spiritual picture of Jesus dying on the cross helps us,
doesn't it, this evening? It helps us to remember that Christ died for sinners, of which my spouse
is going to be one of them. We are married to a fellow sinner, not Mr. or Mrs. Perfect.
But it also reminds us that a godly marriage does not take place by us looking at one another.
A godly marriage is built as we look upon Christ.
A godly marriage is built as we look upon Christ, particularly dying on the cross.
I mean, his death, remember, shows us his gracious and his sacrificial love towards sinners like us.
And so what do we do when our husband or wife frustrates us, which happens, doesn't it,
from time to time? We do what Christ has done for us, don't we?
We forgive as Christ has forgiven us. We love as Christ has loved us. We are patient as Christ has been patient with us.
We remember that Christ humbled himself unto death on a cross, and so we need to put away pride
and humbly serve one another. Basically, empowered by the Spirit of God, two Christians together see the love of Christ
and mimic that in their relationships.
Let me make a little side point. Maybe some of you of us are single this evening, maybe looking to get married in the future.
And I always say this to my people back in Nidra, because we've got quite a few single lads and ladies,
I always say, marriage will not complete you.
Don't think marriage is going to sort out all your problems, because it isn't.
In fact, all that happens in marriage is that you find out how sinful you are.
You realise how selfish you are.
Marriage is like a little bit of a picture
that points out your faults
and your needs of Jesus Christ.
I remember my first
year anniversary with my wife.
We were away
in Greece,
and we were away with my family, but we went away for dinner.
Me and my wife went to a lovely evening
in the hills, candlelit dinner,
lovely food,
and then my wife turns around to me and says,
Andy, I need to tell you something.
Looks into my eyes.
You've been very selfish recently.
Happy anniversary.
And that's true, isn't it?
In marriage, you find out
how selfish
and sinful you are.
So how are two sinners
brought together going to last?
How are we going to get through
the ups and downs of life?
How are we going to get through
the different personality quirks
and stresses of life?
It's the gospel.
It's the death
of our Lord Jesus Christ.
We need him, don't we?
To build
healthy,
godly
marriages.
So the meaning of marriage
is that mysterious union
between man and woman.
That points to
Lord Jesus' death
on the cross.
So how do we reflect
Christ in the church
and our relationships?
What does
a godly marriage
look like?
Well, Paul gives us
two commands
in that text
if you remember.
Firstly,
it says wives
need to submit.
And secondly,
he says husbands
need to love.
Let me say
at this point
that these commands
are not just
for husbands and wives
but for the whole church.
Again,
if we're single
and thinking
I need to switch off
right now,
don't do it.
We are all called
to submit.
We are all called
to love.
So although I'm going to
apply these specifically
to Christians
who are married
this evening,
wherever life,
wherever we're at
in life,
these commands
apply to us.
So firstly,
wives submit.
Look at verse 22.
Again,
just so you can see
I'm not making it up.
It says wives submit
to your own husbands
as to the Lord.
So this is probably
one of the most
controversial commands
probably in the Bible
these days.
People think
this is backwards.
People think
this is old fashioned.
There's actually
quite a lot of hate
towards this command
because we live
in a generation
where women
have been liberated
from this kind of stuff.
People look at this command
and think it's been
misused over the years
and so we're past
that submitting malarkey.
We're going to
throw that one out.
That's just a cultural thing.
But let me make this clear
this evening.
This command
should never be used
to oppress women.
That's not what
it's there for.
This command
should actually
allow wives
to flourish
under the loving
headship
of their husbands.
And the problem
here isn't
the command.
The problem
is the abuse
of the command
over many years.
I mean no wife
would be questioning
this command
if men
led their wives
as they were supposed to.
No wife
would be complaining
if her husband
was selfless,
patient,
gentle,
sensitive,
always looking for her best
and loving her well.
There wouldn't be any
question about it
would there?
But the problem
is that as men
we can be a muppet
a lot of the time.
We're self-centered.
We're lazy.
We're impatient.
We're proud.
Sometimes we're bulls
like bulls
in a china shop
a lot of the time.
But either way
this command
is here
and we cannot
escape it.
And we cannot
even just say
it's not for our time
anymore because
Paul roots this
again in creation
to prove his point.
He says that
in his original
design
Adam was created
to be head
of his wife.
Adam was created
first
and he was created
to have
authority
over Eve.
He was supposed
to lead her
and he was supposed
to care for her
as God had cared
and led him.
So what does
submission look like?
Well let me start
with what it doesn't
mean.
Submission
doesn't mean
that a wife
is less than
a husband.
It doesn't mean
that she is a
second class
citizen.
Again the
Genesis account
says man and
woman were created
equally in the
image of God
but they were
given different
roles.
submission
also doesn't
mean that wives
are some sort
of slaves
to their
husbands.
She's not some
sort of doormat
that is supposed
to be chained
to the kitchen
sink.
Headship
does not mean
dictatorship.
We're not
in North Korea.
It's not do
whatever the
supreme leader
says and I
have no say.
That's not what
submission and
headship should
look like.
Submission
in the Bible
is a voluntary
act of love.
It's a voluntary
act of love.
So think about
in the Trinity.
What does the
son do?
The son
submits to
the father.
This does not
mean that he is
less God.
This does not
mean he's a
doormat.
But he chooses
to submit to
the father.
Why?
Because he
loves him.
It's his role
to submit as
a son.
Even though
he is totally
100% equal
with God.
And actually
when wives
submit to
their husbands
as to the
Lord,
they honour
the Lord
Jesus.
They honour
the Lord
Jesus.
And in fact
when wives
submit to
their husbands
they mirror
the action
of God
the son.
They are
acting in a
very Christ-like
manner.
So for
those of us
who are
wives this
evening,
the question
is,
are we
submitting
with a
good attitude?
Are we
encouraging
our husband's
leadership?
Or are we
always trying
to undermine
him?
Do we
honour our
husbands as
our spiritual
heads?
Are we
constantly
moaning
and nagging
him?
You see
submission
again is
all about
attitudes.
Doing it
joyfully,
doing it
freely,
doing it
because we
love our
husbands.
And remember
I'm not saying
this is easy.
Remember it
wasn't easy
for Jesus
Christ to go
to the cross
and submit
to the
Father and
yet he did
it.
So as
wives we
are called
to do that
even if it
is painful
at times.
Others have
some of us
this evening
who are
wiser thinking
well I
want to
submit to
my husband
but he
is a
lazy
jab of
the
huts.
What am
I to
do?
Do I
still need
to submit?
Well if
you are a
wife in
that situation
and you
need to
pray for
your husband
and you
need to
gently
encourage
your husband
do not
push him
away by
nagging
him
it's
going to
get you
nowhere
but pray
for him
gently
encourage
him
and know
we men
are going
to mess
up
I can
guarantee
you that
for 100%
but that
doesn't change
the command
of submission
and those
of us
who are
husbands
let me
remind
us
that when
we lead
well
our wives
should
flourish
as
husbands
we need
to think
of our
wives
as
flowers
that
need
to be
nurtured
and
taken
care
of
you see
if our
wives
are wilting
and not
flourishing
then we
are not
leading
well
are we
we need
to repent
ask the
Lord's
forgiveness
and work
on our
headship
once again
so in a
godly
marriage
wives
submit
secondly
husbands
are called
to love
their
wives
and this
is a
deep
love
once again
that we
are called
to
just look at
verses 25
to 28
again
let me read
them again
husbands
love your
wives
as Christ
loved the
church
and gave
himself
up for
her
that he
might
sanctify
her
having
cleansed
her
by the
washing
of water
with the
words
so that
he might
present
the
church
to
himself
in
splendor
without
spot
or wrinkle
or any
such thing
that she
might be
holy
and without
blemish
in the same
ways
husbands
should love
their wives
as their
own bodies
he who
loves his
wife
loves
himself
so in this
passage we see
Christ's love
once again
the fact that
he gave up
his life
for his
church
the fact that
he sanctifies
her
the fact that
he cleanses
her
the fact that
he presents
her spotless
before the
throne of
God
and in the
same way that
Christ loves
his church
we husbands
are called to
love our wives
in the same
way
so let's look
at some of
those things
firstly we're
supposed to
love our wives
with a
sacrificial
love
a sacrificial
love
I mean think
about Christ
once again
he left
the joys of
heaven to
come to the
poverty of
this earth
and what did
he do while
he was here
well
although he was
king of the
universe a
mighty king he
came as a
lowly servant
didn't he
and served his
disciples
and then he
died the most
agonizing death
on the cross
for undeserving
sinners like you
and me
and that is
the kind of
love that is
called for in
our marriages
as husbands
we are called
to put our
wives needs
above our
own
we're called
to die to
our desires
our wishes
our wants
for the sake
of our
wives
but this again
won't be easy
because we are
naturally selfish
we are naturally
bent inwards
we naturally
want what
we want
but joy
is found
when we put
one another
first isn't
it
that's where
real joy
is found
Alistair Begg
writes this
the greatest
joy we will
experience in
marriage is
found when
we learn to
put our
partner first
when we
value the
happiness of
our spouse
over our
own happiness
we will
begin to
understand the
meaning of
true
sacrificial
love
and that's
what we're
called to
as husbands
this evening
we're called
to put our
partner's
happiness
our wives
happiness
above our
own
we're called
to selfless
love
as opposed
to selfishness
at the end
of the day
headship
is about
service
Jesus said
this to
disciples
squabbling
for power
but whoever
would be
great among
you must
be your
servant
and whoever
would be
first among
you must
be slave
of all
for even
the son
of man
came not
to be
served
but to
serve
and give
his life
as a
ransom
for many
and that
should be
our cool
husbands
we serve
we don't
domineer
but we
serve
our wives
so we
have that
sacrificial
love
secondly
we're
called to
sacrificially
and lovingly
lead our
wives
spiritually
we're called
to lovingly
lead our
wives
spiritually
you see
if you
notice in
that text
Christ
doesn't
just leave
us on
our own
when we're
saved
does he
what does
he do
he gently
sanctifies
cleanses
and presents
us spotless
before the
throne
of
God
he is
constantly
changing
us
by his
spirit
as believers
this evening
and he does
that patiently
doesn't he
he's so
patient with
us
he does
that gently
but he
doesn't let
sing go
at the same
time
and in the
same way
as husbands
this evening
we're called
to gently
and sensitively
lead
our
wives
and this
is important
because as
husbands
we are
going to
be called
to account
on how
we have
led our
wives
spiritually
when
Eve
sinned
who did
God
call upon
it wasn't
Eve
he went
straight to
Adam
and as
husbands
this evening
we will be
judged
more strictly
on that
day
so the
question is
are we
leading our
wives
spiritually
this evening
as
husbands
and my
guess is
some of
us are
not
some of
us are
quite
lazy
we'd
rather
watch
sport
all day
than
focus
and point
our
wives
to the
Lord
Jesus
Christ
we have
a hard
day at
work
and then
we come
home
and we
laze
upon the
TV
all evening
instead of
serving
our
family
but as
husbands
we are
called
to lead
the family
unit
spiritually
by reading
the Bible
through
prayer
and holding
our wives
to account
here's a
question to
ask yourselves
this evening
if you're
a husband
is my
wife
more like
Christ
because she's
married to
me
is my
wife
more like
Christ
because she's
married to
me
is my
wife
flourishing
under my
headship
or is
she
wilting
too
often
we're like
balls in
a china
shop
dishing
out
advice
without
sensitively
listening
to our
wives
and now
I am
too often
we're
ready to
rebuke
and yet
we do
it with
a self
righteous
attitude
too often
we are
lazy
and we
do not
point our
wives to
the Lord
Jesus
Christ
and we
need to
repent
of these
attitudes
don't we
this evening
we need to
repent
and seek
to lead
as Christ
has called
us to
so as
husbands
we have a
great
responsibility
don't we
this evening
a great
one
I don't
know about
you but
every time
I read
these
commands
in fact
I've been
preparing
this week
it's been
kicking me
left and
right
because we
fall so
far short
don't we
and so
what I need
to do
and what
you need
to do
is constantly
confess
our lack
of love
for our
wives
to Christ
and ask
him that
he might
help us
because we
cannot do it
by ourselves
if we're
going to
remember
anything
this evening
remember
this
Christ
showed
his love
for each
one of
us
by dying
for us
not while
we were
perfect
not while
we were
good
not while
we were
righteous
but when
we were
in sin
Graham
read this
out earlier
this is
love
not that
we love
God
we were
his enemies
but that
he loved
us
and sent
his son
as an
atoning
sacrifice
for our
sins
just think
about
Jesus
Christ
he loved
his
disciples
even though
they were
annoying
they were
frustrating
at times
he loved
his
disciples
even though
one
betrayed
him
he still
washed
Judas'
feet
in John
13
he loved
even though
all his
disciples
abandoned
him
at his
greatest
time
of need
as he
died
on the
cross
and he
loved
us
even
when
we
were
his
enemies
not his
friends
and in the
same way
this evening
we are
called to
love one
another
and this is
for all
people
isn't it
whether you're
single
or whether
you are
married
listen
husbands
our wives
will annoy
us at
times
our wives
will nag
us at
times
and that
will be
frustrating
listen
wives
our husbands
will do
stupid
things
will say
things at
the wrong
time
will be
insensitive
but we are
called to
love one
another
like Christ
has loved
us
and what
that means
is that we
love people
we don't
deserve it
that's the
love that we
need for
one another
we start
with the fact
that marriage
is difficult
it is a joy
of course
as well
we've been
married six
years
and I
love marriage
but it is
difficult
isn't it
my task
isn't made
any easier
by looking
at those
commands
isn't it
submission
and love
especially when
you have a
look at them
and see how
difficult they
are
we're going
to mess
up
we're going
to dishonor
one another
but here's the
hope
we have the
gospel
do not
flee to
one another
this evening
but flee
to Christ
for help
if anything
all these
commands do
is help us
to cling
to the
Lord Jesus
more and
more
because he
is our
strength
he is our
hope
he is our
portion
this evening
and as we
run to the
Lord Jesus
Christ
and see the
great love
that he has
had for us
as sinners
it will help
us to have
compassion and
love for each
other in our
marriages
and also in
this church
as well
we confess
our sin
regularly
we look to
Christ
and love
one another
well
amen
let me pray
for us
father God
we thank you
for the great
joy
and privilege
marriage is
but we know
when we look
at our
relationships
that marriage
is difficult
as well
and I just
pray that you
might empower
each one of
the couples
here to
love one
another as
Christ has
loved them
help wives
to submit
with a joyful
attitude as
Christ submitted
to the
father
I pray that
husbands would
lay down their
lives for
their wives
Lord forgive
us for our
sin we
confess that we
have not lived
up to the
standards that
you've called
us in
scripture and
yet we flee
to Christ
thank you
that there
is forgiveness
there thank
you that there
is rest
there I
just pray that
this church
at Brunsfield
would continue
to be built
up in
Christ and
that they
would reflect
his bride
more and
that you
would present
them spotless
and without
fault before
you on that
glorious day
when Christ
finally meets
his bride the
church forever
in Jesus
name we
pray amen
before we
sing I'll
hand back to
Graham
a couple of
questions
apparently you
have a bit of
Q&A
well you're not
asking me
questions but I'm
going to give you a
couple of questions
to go away and
think about
so a couple of
questions should you
think about what does
it mean for
husbands to love
their wives as
Christ loves the
church
and then second
question in what
ways can I love my
spouse better and
are there any sins
that I need to
confess if you
want to go
dangerous then
you ask your
husband and wife
that question
me and my wife
do this once a
quarter we ask
each other is
there anything
that I've done
to harm you in
the last few
months particularly
is there anything
I can improve on
any sins that
you see in my
life that can be
a painful
conversation but
a fruitful one as
well so you can
either ask it to
yourself or ask
your husband and
wife cool
hand up to
Graham
or then
chat
m
director
of
居
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come
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