All right. So starting off with singleness. When singleness is mentioned in the beginning of scripture, God sees Adam's singleness, and he says it is not good. It is not good that man should be alone.
He says, I will make a helper fit for him. And so he creates Eve for Adam in marriage. So at the start of the Bible, singleness is viewed unfavorably, so much so that marriage is actually needed. It's a needed solution to the problem.
However, in the New Testament, in Matthew 22, Jesus makes it clear that in the bodily resurrection with Christ in heaven, we will neither marry nor be given in marriage and will be like the angels.
All right. So where before God intervened and fixed this broken singleness issue, now in heaven, it's seen as normal, good, appropriate.
So what gives? Why is there such a remarkably different stance towards singleness in heaven?
It's ultimately because, right, our spiritual marriage to Christ. Ephesians 5 frames our messy, sinful, horizontal marriages as husband and wife as just a glimpse, a picture of our love-filled, perfect, vertical marriages with Christ, right, with Christ and his church.
That though she has been promiscuous, she's been unfaithful like Gomer, the faithful husband like Hosea, he's pursued his bride, even when it cost him his own life.
Even though we, none of us, none of us deserve to wear white on that day, he has bought us our gown, he's washed it in his blood.
And so on that day, on that glorious wedding, we will sing, let us rejoice and exult and give him the glory for the marriage of the Lamb has come and his bride has made her ready.
This is the reason why this shift in singleness happens, because everything that our horizontal marriages points to is now been fulfilled in our marriages with Christ.
But this shift in the evaluation of singleness doesn't occur just in heaven.
In fact, it's already happened.
Paul says so in 1 Corinthians 7, where he writes to a people written in the same redemptive era as us between the two comings of Christ, right?
And there are a couple places where he remarkably notes the value of singleness.
In verse 7, he says, I wish that all were as I myself am, meaning happily single for the Lord.
Verse 8, to the unmarried and to the widowed, I say that it is good for them to remain single as I am.
Verse 38, so then he who marries his betrothed does well.
And he who refrains from marriage will do even better.
Again, just note the stark contrast between Genesis.
It is not good.
It is not good for the man to be alone.
To Paul's now, he who refrains from marriage will do even better.
And why is it better for Paul?
You will be free from anxiety, he says.
The unmarried man is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to please the Lord.
But the married man is anxious about worldly things, how to please his wife and his interests are divided.
That's verses 32 to 34.
Have you ever noticed?
I'm sure you guys have noticed when you guys attend our Wednesday prayer meetings, right?
It's mostly singles.
It's mostly people who have the time and the luxury to be able to come.
I'm literally guilty of this, right?
I'm not saying that it's good or right, but it is just natural.
Married people, especially with kids, are naturally divided and distracted because of their home duties.
There is a unique value and privilege that a single person has in his or her capacity to serve the Lord and to serve his people.
Sam Albury, a faithful pastor who models godly singleness, he shared a story about how there was an elderly member of his congregation.
He needed someone to take care of him, right?
He needed a caretaker.
And his wife, the usual caretaker, needed to travel somewhere else to attend to some other business for a month.
No one else in the entire church could just drop everything at home and go and live with this man and go help this man.
No one but Sam.
So Sam went and lived with this man, serving him, taking care of him, making the most out of the flexibility and the ability, the capacity he has to serve uniquely.
I think this is such a beautiful picture of how precious and how effective singleness can be in the kingdom of God.
So my whole point is that singleness is not automatically a curse or a deficiency that immediately needs to be fixed by dating, by marriage.
But really, so often we treat it like a curse.
There are different ways you could define biblical wisdom.
But one that's been sticking with me as of late is a simple premise.
Just to see life, see the world the way that God sees it.
Not to be influenced by our cultural presuppositions.
You know, the risk of teaching a dating seminar is potentially to fall into that cultural trap, right?
That singleness is automatically bad.
And that everyone here who's single, right?
You better get busy.
You better start going on dates, get married, have kids.
I am by no means denigrating those things, right?
I am pro-marriage and pro-family.
But I'm also pro-singleness.
Because the Bible is unapologetically pro-singleness.
After all, Jesus, Paul, John the Baptist, they were all single.
That being said, 1 Corinthians 7 is not a blanket statement of pro-singleness.
I want to make that clear.
Instead, it's a pro, a very specific type of singleness.
To those verses above, here are the rest of the verses, right?
Singleness is better if you have the gift of singleness.
The rest of verse 8.
To the unmarried and the widows, I say that it's good for them to reign single as I am.
But if they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry.
For it is better to marry than to burn with passion.
If anyone thinks that he is not behaving properly toward his betrothed, if his passions are strong,
and it has to be, let him do as he wishes.
Let them marry.
It is no sin.
So then he who marries his betrothed does well.
And he who refrains from marriage will do even better.
Paul veers to encourage some singles to remain single, right?
While others, he encourages to marry.
And who are those people?
Those who struggle with self-control in sexual purity who burn with passion.
Those who are distracted in their singleness because they are constantly longing for marriage.
And I think that that is actually the majority of us.
While scripture is pro-singleness, it's also clear that the biblical norm is to get married.
In the pastoral qualifications for elders, they always say husband of one wife.
You see that in 1 Timothy 3.
You see that in Titus 1.
It's not that marriage is an explicit requirement for eldership.
But it's naturally assumed that these men would be married.
That was the natural and normal assumption.
In Matthew 19, after Jesus raises the bar for divorce and remarriage,
The disciples said to him,
If such is the case of a man with his wife, it is better not to marry.
And Jesus said to them,
Not everyone can receive this saying, but only those to whom it is given.
But only those to whom it is given.
The reality is, I think most of the singles in our church should pray and seek to be married.
Given that the Bible teaches that singleness is the exceptional and honorable calling for those who can receive it.
But that marriage is the norm.
Most of us should probably think about getting married.
And to help you think through whether I have the gift or not, the gift of singleness or not,
I put together this simple decision tree.
It starts with a simple diagnostic question.
Do you want to be married?
Do you not want to be married?
Andreas Kossenberger, an NT scholar, wrote a great book, God, Marriage, and Family.
In that, he said that if you fear you have the gift of singleness,
it probably means you don't have it.
You can all take a deep breath.
And I agree with him.
Second question, are you self-controlled in your singleness?
Are you taking advantage of your singleness in serving the Lord and his people?
Right?
Second question, so if yes, then great.
It seems like you might have the gift of singleness.
We need faithful examples of you, of people like you in our church.
You are a living example of what we'll all be like in heaven.
Single, horizontally, but married vertically to Christ.
So remain faithful to the Lord in your singleness until things change, right?
Things could change.
Maybe circumstances change and your desires change.
But as long as you are content in your singleness,
continue to serve the Lord in that way.
If you are not sure,
let's say that you're generally self-controlled in your battle against lust.
You're generally taking advantage of the unique privilege of being single,
serving the Lord, serving his people.
But you're not very sure if you want to be single for the rest of your life.
Because again, Paul says that it's better to remain single.
I think we should err towards that direction.
I think you should try to remain single, right?
Try pursuing faithfulness in singleness
to see if you can live that life in contentment and self-control.
And over time, God should provide more clarity.
And I want to, again, correct our cultural presuppositions here.
I think your parents, the people around you,
everyone, if you're not sure,
the natural instinct will be for, of course,
you've got to get married.
You've got to start dating.
But I want to put pause on that
and help us to think biblically about what singleness really looks like.
If no, let's say you're not content in your singleness,
you're struggling to be self-controlled,
and you're positive you want to be married,
then, of course, let it be.
Though contented, servant-oriented singleness
is better than being married,
it is no sin to marry.
In fact, Paul rebukes false teachers
who prohibited marriage.
I think I have a slide of that, right?
It's these false teachers who prohibit marriage unnecessarily.
That's not true.
That's a false teaching.
So it's a good thing to get married.
If you know that you don't have the gift of singleness,
then, which I, again, think as most Christians today,
then we ought to do two things.
We have to fight for contentment and self-control,
and secondly, pursue marriage.
Just because you might not have the gift of singleness
is no excuse for you not to pursue contentment,
wholehearted contentment in the Lord.
You might need to fight harder for it,
but contentment and self-control are made available to all people,
even in unwanted singleness.
With Jesus, we can learn the secret of facing plenty,
facing hunger, abundance, and need.
We can do all things through him who strengthens us.
Such an important passage in Philippians 4.
But even while you are content in the Lord,
you can still work towards marriage.
Contentment is not a spiritual exercise in kidding yourself.
Contentment doesn't destroy your ability
of distinguishing what you want and what you don't want.
Paul said that he learned how to be content,
but it's not like he pretended that hunger and need
are the exact same.
Hunger and plenty of abundance are the exact same.
Hunger and need are not good places to be necessarily.
It's impossible to be content in the Lord
in the midst of persecution,
but that doesn't mean that you should stay in persecution.
Maybe a helpful analogy there.
So then, pursue marriage.
In our specific time and culture,
that's typically done through dating.
By definition, the purpose of dating
is to seek clarity on one simple question.
Am I going to get married to this person?
That's the basic question you're just asking.
It's not to follow the pattern of this world,
to date just to have fun,
or to find our ultimate joy in another person,
or to create these pseudo-marriages
that actually have no commitment in them.
If dating is all about marriage,
then, realistically, we ought to wait.
To wait to date until you are ready to marry.
So the first step in pursuing marriage, I think,
is to self-evaluate.
Am I realistically ready
to handle everything that marriage entails?
Do I see myself getting married
within the next 18 months?
That might seem quick for some of you,
and it's by no means a legalistic rule.
Every couple is different.
Some are going to date shorter and longer.
Some engagements will be shorter and longer.
But I think you can absolutely determine
whether you're going to marry somebody
and plan a wedding within 18 months.
When you self-evaluate yourself for marriage,
your readiness for marriage,
understand that none of us
are ever going to arrive of perfect readiness.
The bar is not sinless perfection.
But there are wise and concrete questions
that I think you can ask yourself
to evaluate whether you are prepared
to take that step forward.
I think the first question is,
can I provide financially for a family?
Am I independent from my parents?
Given that marriage means
that you leave from your parents
and you cleave to one another
and you start an independent family,
your ability to provide for a family matters.
And I think this question
particularly pertains to the guy.
Given the Bible's consistent teaching
on male headship in the family,
I think it is primarily the male's,
the guy's responsibility
to be able to provide for their family.
It doesn't mean that you need to make
a lot of money to take your family
on fancy vacations.
It doesn't mean that you also can't marry
if you're in grad school.
But you should have the means
and or a plan to provide
basic provisions for a family,
including the prospect of kids.
Number two,
am I a recent convert?
I would generally advise
newly converted Christians to wait.
To wait before immediately jumping
into dating and to marriage.
There is so much value
in your singleness
to devote your time
in growing your relationship
with the Lord.
Number three,
am I a member of a church
in good standing?
If you are a member
not in good standing,
i.e. under church discipline,
there are far more important issues
at hand than for you
to get married,
to think about getting married.
So you ought to address
those areas of your life first
before you introduce someone else
into the equation.
Number four,
are there destructive addictions
slash patterns in my life
that control me?
What?
Oh, thank you.
Uncontrolled addictions
to things like pornography,
gambling,
alcohol,
drugs,
and or shopping,
they ought to be addressed
before you jump into dating.
I do think that marriage
is a provision from the Lord
to help our battle against lust.
And I don't think you need to wait
until you're at a point
where you're 100% lust free
and that you never ever
struggle with lust.
But if you are watching porn regularly,
if you are enslaved to it,
I think it would be wise
to pursue freedom
before inviting again
someone else into your life.
I'm happy to talk about that
more after.
At the end of the day,
it's both impossible
and unwise
to lay down exacting,
determinative parameters
of what it means
to be ready for marriage.
So much of it
is case by case,
I think.
Right?
I think this is where
the community around you
is so helpful.
Ask your friends,
parents,
pastors,
Christian mentors,
whether they see you
getting married.
If you are single
and you are seeking
to get married,
you do well
to seek their
brutally honest feedback.
Invite that into your life.
Humbly receive that feedback
and be open
both to their challenges
and to their encouragement.
So let's say you're
willing and able
to get married.
So what's next?
Well, I want to
try doing something
interactive
so it's not just me
talking for an hour and a half.
I want us to read together
the best book
written on dating.
And it's
the Bible.
The Bible has a lot
to tell us about
how we are to date.
So I want us to do
breakout sessions,
get into an exercise here.
We're going to break out
into groups
of four to five,
right,
with the people around you.
We're going to read
through Genesis 24,
1 to 33.
And see if you can
identify some applications
from this story
about how we are
to date today.
It's a story about
how Abraham's servant
goes and finds
Rebecca for Isaac.
I want you to try
to find the OIA method
if you ever heard of that,
right,
observation,
interpretation,
application.
We're going to ask
simply good questions
about the text
and observation.
What does a text say?
These are some examples
of what you can look for.
You probably don't need
to get into all this.
It's kind of complicated
but the basic question
is what does a text say?
Interpretation is
once you make an observation
about the text
you have to interpret it,
right?
So what does a text mean?
And then finally,
application,
we want to make
that bridge between
their cultural time,
that writing,
to what does this mean
for me?
How does this text
apply for me?
And so we're going to
do this all around
dating.
What are some applications
we can bring
out of this text
for dating?
Okay?
So I'm going to give you guys
10 minutes,
form your groups
on your own,
read through the text,
and try to come up
with some applications,
observations,
interpretations,
applications,
and then we're going
to share them
all together as a group.
Make sense?
So who wants
to go first?
Okay, let's go.
So,
the story starts off,
set out because
the scripture
talks about
not marrying
a Canaanite woman.
Yeah.
And the reasons
for that was
because
in this context
and time,
the Canaanites
were not worshippers
of the only.
Yep.
So.
And what's
the application?
The application
is that
as single people,
we should only
be seeking out
relationships,
dating,
marriage,
with the fellow
Christians.
Absolutely.
No option.
Yep.
There's no compromise
on that.
Spot on.
Yeah.
That's really good.
It's a great Oya.
Yeah.
Next.
Tell me.
Um, yeah.
So,
when the man
was, like,
scoping out
the deal, I guess,
like,
he takes a lot
of attention.
Like, he doesn't
just, like,
wait for God
to do something.
He looks around,
he sees a girl,
and he does, like,
some evaluation.
Yep.
Like, is she generous?
And then after that,
she does a second screening.
Like, is she pretty?
Sure.
Like, it takes a lot
of thoughtfulness
on both men.
Absolutely.
Like,
like,
I have,
we were kind of confused
on, like,
the braces
and the ring and stuff,
and maybe it's, like,
a signal that
the families, like,
blow off.
Because then the guy was,
like,
here's a rock.
You wouldn't be able
to be, like,
this guy actually
giving you anything.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Here's a ring pop,
not a ring.
That's really good.
Thanks for sharing.
Next.
Yeah, Lena.
So, yeah.
So, Dylan's way out
that verse 21
says that the man
gave to her in silence
that whether the Lord
had prospered
his journey or not.
And this is after
he asked God
for a sign.
God basically gave
the sign,
but he was, like,
okay,
I'm just going to wait
a little bit
to make sure that
this is, you know,
this is actually.
And the other thing
is, like,
prayer was called
a lot.
Absolutely.
Yeah, yeah.
And the obvious
application is that
we should be prayerful
in our dating
pursuit of marriage
for sure.
That's really good.
Jason?
Our group talked
about how,
just how many people
were involved in,
I guess,
the worship
between Isaac and Rebecca,
specifically their families.
Yeah.
So I think that kind
of reflects,
like, you should,
you talked about
involving your community
and both community
and you should trust
everything.
Absolutely.
That's really good.
Tony kind of touched
on it,
but I'm going to fully
try to explore it
more.
Sure.
Just Rebecca's
humbleness
to, like,
be able to come up
and be, like,
they don't know,
she doesn't know
who these people are,
but be able to offer
water to the camels
and then offer a place
with them to stay
and show just
sheer humility
in who she is
and how we should all
act.
No matter who it is
that might come
into our lives,
because God has a plan
for us.
Yeah.
That's really,
really good.
Yeah.
Any group that
hasn't gone?
Yes.
Anything you see
that hasn't been
shared already?
Yeah.
Verses 26 to 27,
the servant
keeps breaks.
Yeah.
I figured it shows
the person that
he found
and the eventual
marriage
is how it's
all a different
couple.
Yeah.
That's really good.
Yeah.
It's related to what
Connor said,
but I think
there's something
to be said
that first he
noticed her
appearance
and then he
evaluated her
inner appearance
or inner
attractiveness,
I guess.
Yeah.
And so I think
that's just like
a good thing
that we should,
you know,
I guess kind of
both in a way.
Sure.
Because they're
both going to be
relevant to you
as you get
like a growing
relationship.
For sure.
Yeah.
That's good.
Any group that
hasn't gone?
Yeah.
You have the
toughest assignment.
We were talking
about how like
the servant's
prayer,
like asking God
for a sign.
It was really
bold because he
was putting God
to the test.
So I think
we were saying
that it could be
the same prayer
but it really
just depends
on the heart
posture.
Yeah.
Like one could
be like a genuine
like God
I need to sign
I need clarity
and then one
could be putting
God to the test.
Yeah.
That's really good.
What would it
look like to put
God to the test?
Like that
situation.
I don't know
what you're saying
about it.
Yeah.
Are there a couple
things that come
to mind?
I think if your
posture is that
I'm waiting for
a pie in the sky
message for this
girl's name to be
written in the
clouds for me to
go pursue her,
I think that is
representative of
a heart that's not
taking the
initiative.
I think you
guys are capturing
what I was trying
to see,
what I saw in the
passage where there
is a humble
dependence totally
on the Lord in
prayer,
but there's also
male-led initiative,
right?
That Abraham sends
his servant,
the servant goes and
seeks,
he runs,
right?
There's a lot of
running in this
passage.
God's eyes.
And so I think if
your position is
that I'm not going
to do anything
unless I receive
this certain sign
that's, you know,
this clear, then I
think that probably
represents a heart
that's not trusting
the Lord and testing
him instead.
That's really good.
So I'm going to share
my observations as
well and also
just share a little
bit of teaching as
well, just in my
own words.
You guys pretty much
covered every single
one of these,
right?
But number one is
to be selective
about who you
choose to marry,
which David nailed,
right?
Abraham advised
the servant very
clearly not to find
a wife from the
daughters of the
Canaanites,
lest he be drawn
away from the
promised land,
settle in a foreign
land, and ultimately
forfeit the promises
of God.
You see this kind
of warning consistently
throughout the Old
Testament, the warning
to Israel not to
marry idolaters,
lest they draw you
away to worship
false gods.
In the same way,
we should seek not
to be unequally
yoked with
unbelievers in
marriage.
And if that is a
current temptation
for you now,
I think part of
dating marriage
with an unbeliever
might seem
tolerable to you
is because you
might not have
actually played
that decision to
its full logical
conclusion.
You might not
have considered
what marriage
might look like
5, 10, 20
years down the
road.
So here are two
very real
possibilities.
Number one,
in order to
conform to the
unbeliever, you
need to push
Christ to the
margins of your
life in order to
keep peace at
home.
Slowly but surely
all things
spiritual, all
things related to
faith become
less and less
important to you.
You might not
actually reject
Christ altogether
explicitly, but
functionally your
life is really no
different from any
unbeliever.
you stop reading
your Bible,
attending small
groups, giving
to missionaries,
raising your kids
in the faith to
avoid isolating
your other spouse.
I think the
second possibility
is that let's say
you keep the
faith and you
stay involved in
the church, but
your spouse
refuses to
engage.
That will
naturally pull
you apart.
imagine going to
church alone,
never praying
together, never
sharing the load
and raising your
kids in the Lord,
facing tragedy as
a couple without
being able to
comfort one another
with the truths of
scripture.
If Christ is your
life, your whole
life, then marriage
with someone else
who doesn't share
that will likely
lead to then two
separate lives.
Neither of those
two realities are
desirable.
And if you're
single and you're
considering a
relationship with
an unbeliever, I
encourage you to
slow down to
think through these
things.
Men, don't seek to
be led astray by
getting unequally
yoked.
And women, if a
non-Christian
pursues you, don't
even give him the
time of day.
Don't even give him
an inch in your
mind.
Doesn't share an
ounce of what's
actually really,
really, really
important to you.
So number two, go
to the right
place to find a
spouse.
Abraham very
clearly sends his
servant to a
specific place to
find a wife.
He knows that the
servant searches
among Canaan.
He'll probably not
find someone from
his kindred.
I think we too
ought to look in
the right places
to find our
kindred.
All right, if I
want to find a
native Bostonian with
that thick accent,
the first place I
will obviously look
is Boston.
If you're looking
for someone to
marry, a good
Christian man or
woman, I think the
first place you
should naturally
look is the
church, the
family of God.
And so just a
brief word on
dating apps, because
it's such a relevant
cultural phenomenon
now.
I don't doubt that
dating apps can be a
means to find a
solid life partner.
There are godly
ways to go about it,
and I know
increasingly, I
know more and
more number of
marriages that
started on dating
websites.
But there are two
words of caution that
I wanted to share
about these apps.
Number one, surfing
these apps, I
think frankly,
plummets your
chance of finding a
solid, like-minded
Christian.
Anyone can put
anything on their
profile, and even
if they say that
they're Christian,
what does that
really mean for
them?
They can mean all
kinds of things,
and they could be
sitting under all
kinds of teaching.
And number two,
more importantly, I
think dating apps
create, they can
create the illusion
that there's always
someone else out
there.
There's someone
better out there.
You're not satisfied
with the direct
people that you
know, right?
And so you hop
online to peruse
what else is out
there.
But consumeristically
shopping for the
maximally optimal
guy or girl,
it doesn't seem to
be a healthy
pattern for
dating.
I'm sure that
there are eligible
men and women
out there, but
you might be
missing out on
what's directly in
front of you.
I think I'm
old-fashioned, but
I think there is
something to running
after God
wholeheartedly, and
from time to time
glancing over your
right shoulder, over
your left shoulder,
and just seeing
who's keeping up
with you, the
people directly in
your life, and
linking up with
them.
Number three, put
the onus on God.
We talked about
this.
Notice how much
the servant
prays, right?
Demonstrates how
much the servant
trusted in the Lord
to find a spouse
for Isaac.
that same kind of
dependence is needed
from us, too.
If you want to be
married, your first
instinct should be to
get on your knees
and to pray, to
pray for that kind
of blessing.
Does that peace
that surpasses
understanding control
your mind and your
conduct?
Do you try to
control everything
instead?
Making sure that
you always leave a
good impression to
anyone of the
opposite gender
just on the chance
that he or she
might be the one.
I used to operate
like that.
Are you always
anxious about
whether your dating
relationship might
or might not work
out towards marriage?
Put the onus on
God.
Every married
person has had
an arranged
marriage.
Some by their
family, but all
by the sovereign
God of the
universe.
the Lord
orchestrated every
detail of this
story in Genesis
24, and he's
going to do the
same for you.
Place that burden
right completely on
God.
Yeah.
I know you're
trying to.
Could you say
something?
Could you say
something that
really struck me
here?
It said, look
around, see who's
keeping up with
you.
Can you say a
little more about
that?
Yeah, I will.
Okay.
I will.
Yeah, I will.
Yeah, good
question.
And then if I
don't, if it
doesn't satisfy,
you could
definitely.
Yeah.
Right.
Okay.
Because we
just talked a
lot about
like being
observant and
communicating and
like taking
self-initiative.
Yep.
Like what
aspects of
the onus of
God, like,
are you
talking about?
Like how do
we, like what
are they and how
do we practice
it?
Yeah, I think
I'm going to get
to your question
as well.
If I don't, we
could follow up.
I don't think
putting the onus
on God means
that we don't
take any action,
right, which I'm
about to share.
So male-led
risk-taking
initiative, right?
It doesn't mean
that we just
passively twiddle
our thumbs, just
hoping that marriage
is going to plop
into our laps.
In this passage,
you see a male-led
risk-taking
initiative when
Abraham sends
his servant to
go and get
the girl.
To show this
fully from
scripture would
take more time
than we have,
but I believe
that the Bible
teaches that in
marriage, the
man leads and
the woman
submits.
Male headship is
the normative
pattern throughout
scripture, and so
I think those
roles should then
shape our dating
relationships as
well.
And generally, I
think that means
that the man
initiates dating.
That said, I
don't think it's
sinful to have a
woman ask a man
out.
Ruth boldly
initiates her
relationship with
Boaz, but such
examples, I think,
are the exception
rather than the
norm.
And Abraham and
the servant's
initiative involves
real effort and
real risk.
You read that in
the passage.
Abraham sends his
servant on the
quest with no
guarantee of
success.
He doesn't really
know how it's
going to all pan
out, right?
But he nonetheless
sends him, and the
servant nonetheless
acts, not knowing
fully how it's
going to turn
out.
I think then that
means that the
man shouldn't play
games with the
girl, flirting with
her, trying to get
her to reveal as
many cards in her
hand as possible.
The guy should
never selfishly
try to protect
himself by
minimizing the
chances of getting
rejected.
Leadership means
going first.
the man is the
first one to lay
his cards out on
the table, making
his intentions as
clear as possible,
making himself
vulnerable.
In verse 17, we
noted, the servant
is running.
He runs to her.
He makes the
first move.
So, to those who
are endlessly
discerning, praying
to God for this
miraculous sign, I
think we just have
to learn how to
take risks.
So, when you have
intentions, as soon
as possible, you
ought to make that
clear to the woman.
And if that sounds
scary, then this is
just what leadership
looks like.
I'm going to keep
going, but if I
didn't answer your
question, feel free to
hop on.
Actions speak louder
than words.
This is, of course,
true.
I don't think that
necessarily it's
prescriptive.
This passage is
prescriptive of how we
should be praying
for a wife, to be
like this specific.
But there is stuff
to observe on what
he actually prays
for.
Yes, Rebecca was
very attractive in
her appearance, but
the prayer didn't
focus on her
superficial appearance
or her earthly
status at all.
It was about her
character.
Notice, too, that
the servant doesn't
go really anywhere in
the city of Nahor,
but he goes
specifically to the
well where he
might find an
industrious, servant-minded
woman working.
Rebecca fits that
bill of a
generous,
industrious
Proverbs 31
wife.
She not only
serves the
servants by giving
them a drink
quickly without
suspicion or
hesitancy, but she
goes above and
beyond by giving
the camels a
drink as well.
And she quickly,
there's that word
again in verse
20, and she ran
again to draw
water.
I think you
kind of see what
kind of woman that
Rebecca is.
I do think that
physical attraction is
an important piece
in marriage that
Ren was talking
about, but I
think physical
attraction is much
more dynamic than
we tend to think.
It's not static,
me, just based on
only superficial
looks, but the
more we learn
about another
person, for
better or for
worse, it changes
our attraction to
that person,
right?
My point is that
godly character is
truly attractive.
Qualities like
hospitality,
generosity,
servant-minded
posture, grace,
love.
As we grow in
sanctification,
growing more and
more like the
Lord, our
desires are
increasingly shaped
by what Scripture
values.
That means more
than net worth,
more than physical
appearance, career
success, family
background, whatever,
we should ask
ourselves that
crucial diagnostic
question, is
godliness what I
find most
attractive?
Proverbs 3130
captures this
well, charm is
deceitful and
beauty is vain,
but a woman who
fears the Lord is
to be praised.
One other thing,
right, this is, I
think, really
interesting.
Compare and
contrast the two
characters, Rebecca
and Laban, in this
passage.
We see the
opportunistic, greedy
character in Laban
in verse 30, when it
says that as soon as
he saw the rings and
the bracelets, then
he acted, then he
went to the man.
I think it's a
foreshadowing of his
character.
You'll learn more
about him later on in
Genesis.
Laban sees those
things first and then
extends hospitality.
In contrast, there's no
indication that Rebecca
paid any attention to
those things.
She is really not
motivated by money, but
she's served because
that's who she is.
That's the kind of
person that we should
strive to be and to
look for.
And the last one is,
you're marrying a
sinner and I'm cheating
on this one, just
because I'm drawing on
another chapter.
But I think it's an
important point to
make.
In Genesis 24, Rebecca
is this perfect maiden.
She doesn't have a
single flaw.
She's attractive,
industrious, bold.
There's not a single
flaw.
But three chapters later,
when Jacob steals
Esau's blessing, who's
at the helm of leading
that scheme?
It's Rebecca.
This once perfect,
beautiful maiden is now
actively trying to scheme
her old blind husband
to give his blessing to
her favorite child and
not his.
My point is that you
can try to find the
most perfect person on
paper.
And he or she might
look like that at first,
but just three chapters
later, you'll find that
this person is a
bona fide sinner.
When Christine and I
started dating, I
thought this girl was
perfect.
She was flawless.
She could do no wrong.
That feeling has not
stayed with me in
marriage.
Not because Christine is
especially bad or
anything, but that she's
just a broken sinner like
me, like all of us.
Don't worry, I asked
Christine if I could share
that and she said only
on the condition that I
share that when we are
dating, she already knew
that I was a great
sinner.
And that in marriage, I
was an even greater
sinner.
So when you date, go and
try to find a godly
person, but never assume
that that will
automatically translate to
an easy marriage.
marriage.
Related to that, I
challenge really any
notion, language,
vocabulary of soulmates,
just because I think the
idea makes it sound like
you, once you find the
one, right, then you just
automatically, easily go
skipping off in the
sunset.
I think nothing is
further from the truth.
The marriage of two
sinners is work.
It's hard work.
And you have to be
willing to invest in your
marriage day after day,
brick after brick, lay the
foundation of your
marriage.
Man, we are short on
time, huh?
I'm going to just keep
going.
Sorry, if you guys need to
use the bathroom, feel
free to go.
It's right out these
doors, but for the sake
of time, I'm just going to
keep pressing forward.
I was going to take a
break and give books
away, too.
Let's just do the book
giveaway now.
I have three books.
Three books.
Two of these books were
recommended by Bob
Coughlin through Brittany.
There are two solid
books on dating.
If you want either one of
them, feel free to raise
your hand.
Dating.
Yes.
There you go.
And I have seven myths
of seven myths about
singleness.
Yes.
Okay.
All right.
Can you pass this back?
By Sam Albury.
Again, such a
faithful example of what
a single man can do for
the kingdom of God.
For the sake of time,
let's keep going more to
the practicalities of
dating.
I think typically a lot of
dating relationships begin
with friendship.
Guys should gaze and
learn about this girl's
character and reputation
from a distance.
Just like the servant,
right?
We just read, I think
someone said that in
verse 21.
Group hangouts, I think,
are a helpful way to do
that.
And again, if there is
interest, the guy should
ask the girl on a date.
Not a hangout.
Not a catch up.
If you have interest,
just be open and honest
and ask her on a date.
To the girls in the room,
if a godly man with a good
reputation in the church
asks you out on a date,
I do generally think that
you should try to give him
a date or two.
You're not obligated to say
yes by any means.
You owe him nothing.
But to reject him on the
spot, I think it assumes
that you have comprehensive
knowledge about who he is.
Consider, too, that God
wired guys and girls
differently as well.
Guys tend to flare up in
interest very, very quickly.
But that for girls,
interest tends to grow
slower over time.
I'm sure you've heard of
stories about women who
initially didn't see their
husbands in that light.
But over time, that
interest grew.
That's a general
recommendation.
But again, I do not, I
want you to know you have
no obligation to say yes
to him.
But I do want you to know
that it is just one date.
Guys, the bar is not that
you are head over heels in
love with this girl, asking
her to marry you.
Girls, he is not head over
heels in love with you,
asking you to marry him.
Christians, I think, try to
take dating very intentionally
and try not to casually date,
which I think is a good
instinct, good motivation.
But I think they can swing
too far the other direction
and exaggerate the meaning
of one date.
I generally think we can
appropriately lower
expectations for what a date
means.
After all, if you're, and if
after going out on a date, you
realize you guys are not going
to work out, it's really not a
big deal.
It's not the end of the world.
And so if you guys end up not
working out, then I encourage
you guys to seek to handle
that in maturity.
The key verse in all this is
Romans 12, 10,
Outdo one another in showing
honor.
Resist the temptation to gossip
and only speak highly about the
other person.
I've sometimes heard that people
are scared to date within the
church context out of the fear
of the messiness of breaking up.
I think there is some validity
to that concern.
But if we generally carry
ourselves with Christ-like love
and maturity, I don't think
that that should outright prevent
us from dating within the
church.
But it should sober us, right?
Sober us to treat one another
with love, respect, and kindness.
Let's continue to follow a
growing relationship.
So you guys follow, you guys go
on a few dates.
Here I make a distinction between
going on dates.
And being in a dating
relationship.
I do think that you have to make
that transition clear from the
former to the latter with, again,
the guy initiating and leading.
Clearly and openly setting
expectations for the dating
relationship.
So if you guys are both officially
in the dating phase, once again,
the goal should be that you are
aiming to answer this one simple
question.
Are we going to get married?
All right.
That's the main question you're
trying to answer is always pressing
forward on clarity on that question
over intimacy.
Yes is a good answer.
No is a good answer.
An indefinite, lengthy maybe is not a
good answer.
That doesn't mean that you need to
know whether you're going to marry
them within three weeks, three months,
but you should be making real progress
towards that question.
And in your dating, try to determine
your compatibility with these things
that I call the 7S.
As you progress in your dating,
your relationship will look different
from the 5th date to the 15th date
to the 50th.
And your conversations will naturally
progress from surface level
to more intimate details.
And so I try to order these in,
try to order these in terms of the
progression of a natural dating
relationship.
Right?
So first one is fun.
See if you guys have fun with one
another.
Right?
Do you talk well with one another?
99% of your marriage will be just
talking.
Does the conversation flow or does it
feel like you're talking to the wall?
If your enjoyment of one another
isn't growing over time, then I think
it probably makes sense to call it
quits.
Two, future.
What are your future goals?
What are your career goals?
What are your ministry goals?
If one of you guys wants to go in
full-time ministry, even full-time
missions work, and the other for the
life of them cannot be open to that
life, then why keep dating?
You have an answer.
You have clarity on that simple
question of are we going to get
married?
Three, faith.
What do you believe about everything?
Some topics include gender roles in
church and marriage, spiritual gifts,
doctrines of grace, baby baptism.
If you guys are completely on the
opposite ends of the spectrum
theologically, you have to imagine
that that would create some kind of
conflict in your future marriage.
If you believe in baby baptism and your
boyfriend doesn't, what are you going to
do?
Are you going to split the difference and
baptize half the baby?
What are you going to do if you pray in
tongues and your girlfriend thinks it's
totally, total gobbledygook?
These are the issues that you need to
understand sooner rather than later.
I think politics and your political
stance also would be an appropriate
place to talk about these things.
Number four, finances.
How do you manage your finances?
What kind of lifestyle do you expect?
Are you expecting a luxury car or are you
content with a beat-up junker?
Be honest about these things.
How much do you want to tithe?
How important is giving for you?
And then who manages the finances?
Number five, family.
What do you envision your future family
to look like?
Number of kids, whether you're open to
adoption.
And if you're going to have kids, then
who's going to be taking care of the
kids, right?
What's the plan for that?
I think this is also an important
point.
What was your family like growing up?
What models of marriage have you seen
in your life?
Perhaps more than you know, your
parents' marriage can have a real
heavy influence on your marriage.
Because those are the things you
learn from.
Fighting.
How do you resolve a conflict?
Are you a rager?
Or are you a brooder?
You guys know what I mean by that?
Share examples of how you resolve
conflict in the past with others.
But beyond sharing examples,
I generally recommend,
though it's not required,
that couples date long enough
to experience conflict.
I think it helps to move past the
honeymoon stage and to get to the
real stuff.
For some couples, that happens quickly.
For others, it takes some time.
Conflict itself is not a sign that you
shouldn't get married.
A healthy marriage isn't marked by the
absence of conflict, but by handling
conflict well.
So learning to fight well, to resolve
issues in a healthy way, is a strong
habit, strong pattern to get into as you
go into marriage.
Last one is flaws.
There's a reason why I put this last.
This is where the most personal,
intimate details of your failures,
foolishness, your fears should come out.
Remember, in dating, there is no ring.
There is absolute freedom for either
party.
They have 100% liberty to pull out of that
relationship at any point.
So be wise about sharing the most
personal stuff that you have.
Wait to see if that relationship is
growing and share more towards where
there's trust and feel like it is
actually heading towards marriage.
And ultimately, before you get engaged,
the goal is that you shouldn't hold
back anything, even the most painful
memories, even your most regretful
choices.
You don't need to share in fine detail,
but you do need to share so that the
other person has a full picture of what
he or she is signing up for.
All throughout that process, again, we
already talked about this, is involve the
church.
If you think about it, hardly anything in
this life comes with a lifelong
commitment-like marriage.
I can almost guarantee for most of you
guys, you will move to another city.
You will find another church.
You will work another job.
You will find different friends.
But you can never break the vow of
marriage that you make with your
spouse.
Through sickness or health, for richer or
for poorer, you are committed to this
person.
This one decision is, frankly, one of the
most important decisions you will ever
make in your life.
Because your marriage will absolutely
change you.
That can be scary then, right?
To choosing a spouse.
When we think about the massive implications
of the decision that we make, it's kind of
scary.
What is so reassuring is that we don't have to
choose a spouse on our own.
Our trusted brothers and sisters, our mentors
and pastors and disciples at church, our
parents and siblings, they can all speak into
your life, counsel you with their aged,
experienced perspective, and model what a
godly marriage and family can look like.
So seek their feedback.
Ask good questions.
Pursue purity and godliness.
There's not a single thing that you can do
that will make your relationship more
messy, stressful, confused, or shameful
than to cross physical boundaries that are
only meant for the commitment of marriage.
The men, again, should be the ones to set
clear boundaries and keep them.
In dating, the woman is looking to see if
in your leadership you are a man of
integrity, if you are a man of your word.
Do you say one thing and do a completely
different other thing?
Are you trustworthy?
The women should be the ones to follow the
man's leadership.
In dating, the man is looking to see if you
follow and submit to his leadership well.
I've heard this argument from some guys
before, right?
You need to test drive the car before you
decide to buy it, right?
Shouldn't we explore our physical
compatibility before I put a ring on it?
I think that analogy is actually very
illuminating.
Who is the car in that scenario?
Is sex with a precious man or woman made in
the image of God something as casual as
going to the car dealership and test
driving a car?
Is that kind of language really what you
want to hear from a future spouse, someone
who's supposed to honor and respect you?
So glorify God altogether in your
relationship by pursuing purity.
Set clear boundaries, not to do anything
that would be arousing or tempting for one
another.
Examples of boundaries could be committing not
to spend one-on-one time together in private,
no closed doors, especially late at night.
If you are snuggling on the couch at 11 p.m.
watching a romantic movie, for most warm-blooded
humans, you are playing with fire.
Proverbs 6.27 says,
Can a man carry fire next to his chest
and his clothes not be burned?
Understand that as you progress in your
relationship, the temptation to sexual sin
doesn't decrease necessarily, but it can
increase.
Because we naturally are wired that emotional
intimacy tends to lead towards physical
intimacy.
So flee, right?
Scripture commands us to stand firm against
the devil.
We can stand firm against him, but it says
to flee from sexual sin.
That's how seriously we need to take it.
Be like Joseph and flee.
Run, run hard.
And you're never going to regret taking
obedience to the Lord this seriously.
You're never going to regret it.
And if you guys prove to be a continual
source of sexual temptation,
is it worth dating anymore?
Is there anything more precious than your
personal holiness to the Lord?
And I know that sounds harsh.
It sounds hard.
But as we preached on in Matthew, Jesus is
uncompromising in Matthew 5.
If your right eye causes you to sin, tear it out.
It's better that you lose one of your members
and your whole body be thrown to hell.
If your right hand causes you to sin, cut it out.
Cut it off and throw it away.
Okay.
Engagement.
Time only allows a brief address on the
engagement phase.
Trying to move on quickly.
Only two things that I want to make clear.
When you are engaged, you are not yet married.
You haven't made a clear public vow of
lifelong commitment to one another.
And so you do not have the privileges to
enjoy all the marital privileges that you
get to enjoy in marriage only.
Continue to fight temptation.
Don't mark your wedding day with
any tinge of shame or regret.
And speaking of weddings, secondly, I think
while there's sometimes unforeseen circumstances
and no two couples' stories are alike,
I generally don't think we need two to three years
to plan for a wedding.
It's our culture that tells us that we need to
have a showy, expensive display of our unique
love to one another in our wedding.
It's not something we need in scripture.
Invest more time in preparing not for the
singular day of your wedding, but for the
lifetime of marriage ahead of you.
The health of your marriage is not determined
by the big dates on your calendar.
Anniversaries, weddings, Valentine's Day.
Those can be important and helpful reminders
and opportunities to invest in your marriage.
But a healthy marriage is more determined
by the love you share on an average
boring Tuesday night.
In the end, the gospel is the best dating advice
that you will ever hear.
And what do I mean by that?
The gospel of Jesus Christ is what distinguishes
Christian dating from worldly dating.
The gospel is what you look for in another person.
Has the other person been shaped by the gospel?
Does this person cherish the gospel?
That's what you're looking for.
The gospel is what you talk about in dating.
Of course, it's not the only thing that you talk about,
but if you are a believer, and Jesus Christ
is your true first love, the gospel is what
should connect you both.
The gospel shapes your motives in dating.
You're not dating to fill a void, prove her worth,
silence loneliness, or compete with others.
The gospel frees you from needing a relationship
to justify you.
And the gospel related is what keeps you content
in the world of dating.
So whether you're single,
without a lot of prospects of marriage,
you've just recently been through a breakup,
or that you're getting close to marrying
your dream partner.
Every single one of these scenarios,
they're all equally equipped to be happy,
to find contentment in the Lord.
The latter has no advantage over the former
to contrive joy in this life.
So let the gospel shape all of your life,
in your singleness, in your dating,
in your engagement, and in your marriage.