Good morning all. As Jimmy said, Nick said, we're in Proverbs at the moment, a series on wisdom.
Last week, Jimmy preached on the evil of envy, and he talked about, at the start of it, his engagement two weeks earlier.
I wondered how long it would take to get it into a sermon, and two weeks must be some sort of new record, I would think.
He's obviously pretty excited about it.
And so today we're going to talk about marriage.
And your laughter at that point tells me that it is, as the Bible says, a man shall leave his father and mother and be united to his wife.
This is a great mystery. It is a great mystery.
Nat and I have been married for nearly 18 years, and she had no idea what she was getting into at the time.
And over the course of those 18 years, she's been married to three different men, all of them me.
It is, in fact, a great mystery.
Proverbs is about living wisely in the world, and this area of family relationships is an area where the vast majority of us need wisdom.
It's an area where wrong choices and habitually bad behaviours can be devastating.
And so this message is taking a very general look at some pretty basic principles of family life and relationships according to Proverbs.
Even though at every point of what I'm saying isn't relevant for everyone right now.
I'm going to be straying across a whole different areas, but something will be.
And collectively, we will represent a whole range of family statuses.
Some married, for instance, here and some are not.
Some have children, some don't have children.
Some with grandchildren, some with children who are still at home but should have left some time ago.
Some who won't get to experience that for many years to come.
Some with parents who are alive, some who are parents who are not alive, and the list goes on and on and on.
There is something ultimately for everyone.
So try not to tune out the point that it's not your status right now.
The theme of wisdom runs right through all the relationships are pretty much universal.
That's pretty helpful because there isn't just differences now in a particular relationship status,
but there's also quite differences in terms of our heritage and our backgrounds and our cultures and the way we view family.
Like in family, in Western societies is primarily driven by individualistic thinking.
In Eastern societies, traditional society, it's very much more corporate orientated in their views of family.
So there's a collective wisdom here which cuts across for everything.
So let's kick off with a relationship between a husband and a wife.
In the Bible, there are three human institutions that are set apart from all others.
The family, the church, and the state.
There's nothing in the Bible about how schools should be run, for instance.
Although they are crucial to a flourishing society, there's nothing about corporations and museums and hospitals.
In fact, there are all sorts of great institutions and human enterprises that the Bible doesn't address directly or regulate.
That means that we are therefore free to invent them in line with the general principles of human life that the Bible gives us.
But marriage is different.
It is very different.
As it says in the preface of our church's wedding service, marriage is instituted by God.
It is a gift from God for human well-being.
And so what that means is, contrary to some popular opinions at the moment,
marriage didn't evolve in the Bronze Age or the ages past as a way to determine property rights.
At the climax of the creation account at the beginning of the Bible,
we see God bringing a man and a woman together and he unites them in marriage.
The Bible begins with the wedding of Adam and Eve and at the end with the wedding of Christ and his church in the book of Revelation.
Marriage is God's idea.
And it's the way that he describes his relationship with his people.
Now, it is certainly also a human institution and it reflects the character of the particular human culture in which it is embedded.
But the concept and the roots of human marriage are in God's own action.
And therefore, what the Bible says about God's design for marriage is crucial.
What that means is that what God institutes, he regulates.
If God invented marriage, then those who enter in it should make every effort to understand and submit to his purpose for it.
In the same way that we don't ignore the manufacturer's instructions in how to use and maintain a car that we've just bought.
If you've just bought a Corolla, you don't treat it like it's a 400 horsepower John Deere tractor.
It will break.
Now, many in society, I acknowledge it's a hot topic right now, would disagree with some of my basic starting point here.
But it's my starting point.
It's the starting point of historical Christianity.
And so I don't expect that everyone, potentially not even everyone here today, to have the same starting point that I have.
But I do hope that you're able to see how penetrating and how practical the Bible is on this issue of marriage.
Proverbs tells us, first of all, that marriage is a covenantal relationship.
For instance, chapter 2, verses 16 and 17, we read,
A marriage is a covenant, which means it's a binding agreement.
Now, I can't tell you the number of the times I've had people say to me, because I've got a license to marry people,
the number of times I've had people say to me, or I've read something like this,
why do I need a piece of paper to tell someone that I love them?
And the answer, of course, is, well, you don't.
Of course you don't do that.
Tell them you love them.
That's fine.
But a wedding service and a marriage certificate is not a declaration of promise of present love.
That's not what it is.
It's a promise of future commitment and love.
You can go to virtually any marriage service, whether it's in the churches or not,
and they will say either nothing or very little about the way you feel right now.
They're all about behaviour.
The vows are promises to be tender, to be considerate, to be faithful, to be loving in the future
through all the ups and downs and ins and outs of life and relationship.
Marriage is a covenant, not just a declaration of my present love,
but a promise, a commitment to future love and commitment.
Now, marriage is also, therefore, based on a ministry mindset.
You might have noticed it already.
I suspect you did notice.
As Proverbs 5 was read out, chapter 5, verse 18 to 20,
May your fountain be blessed and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth,
a loving doe, a graceful deer.
May her breast satisfy you always.
Will you ever be intoxicated with her love?
Why, my son, be intoxicated with another man's wife?
Why embrace the bosom of a wayward woman?
Now, what that's, at the very least, Proverbs 5 is saying,
is that your spouse should be your lover.
Your marriage should, therefore, include sexual intimacy.
That's part of the marriage relationship.
It also says, in chapter 2, verse 17,
that the woman, the adulterous woman, left the partner of her youth.
Now, the word partner there means your most intimate and best friend.
That's what the word partner means.
Now, what Proverbs suggests is that your relationship with your spouse
should be characterised by both torrid romance and sexual intimacy
and intimate friendship.
Both of those things.
Now, this is incredible for the time that this was written.
You see, in traditional societies, when this was written,
the purpose of marriage was to gain security and status for your family.
Both husband and wife were trying to marry well as possible
in terms of family status.
Marriage was also about producing children,
which was about producing family status and lineage,
carrying on the family name.
And if you manage to get married and have love and romance and friendship,
then, well, lucky you.
Good on you.
The idea of marrying for love came quite later in history.
And in Proverbs, it says that you marry for love.
This is revolutionary in ancient culture.
In a culture where women had very low status,
it says that your spouse here is to be your best friend.
That breaks all the categories of the ancient world.
It's historically revolutionary and notable.
But let's think about this practically.
The combination of torrid romance and intimate friendship
creates a unique relational dynamic.
Friends, think about this,
friends are normally side by side,
absorbed in a common interest.
And lovers are normally face to face,
absorbed in each other.
Like Jimmy and Kate.
At the moment.
It's interesting what Proverbs is saying here.
C.S. Lewis, he wrote a chapter on friendship in his book,
The Four Loves.
And he suggests that friendship is about a common passion and interest.
And he wrote this,
friendship arises when two or more discover
that they have in common some insight or interest.
That is why those pathetic people who,
this is C.S. Lewis,
that is why those pathetic people who simply want friends
can never make any.
The very condition of having friends
is that we should want something else besides the friends.
Where the truthful answer to the question is,
do you see the same truth,
would be, I don't care about the truth,
I only want you,
you to be my friend.
No friendship can arise.
Though affection, of course, may.
Friendship must be about something,
even if it were only an enthusiasm for dominoes or white mice.
Those who have nothing can share nothing.
Those who are going nowhere can have no fellow travellers.
Now that last statement is really interesting.
The essence of friendship is having a vision for something
that we both want to get to.
That's the essence of friendship.
Fellow travellers heading somewhere.
On the other hand,
lovers are absorbed in each other.
What happens when you mix that together?
Lovers being the best of friends?
Ministry is what happens.
The biblical picture of marriage is a journey towards your partner's,
your spouse's future greatness.
In fact, it's a journey towards your spouse's future glory.
You see, traditional society,
you get married for status.
In modern Western society,
you get married for fulfilment.
And when you don't get fulfilled,
you go somewhere else to get fulfilled.
And they're both naive.
Both naive.
Let me remind you of the heart of the Christian message.
All of us are made in the image of God.
This is the biblical picture.
All of us are made in the image of God.
We are made to be something great,
but we're all broken because of sin.
We are all shadows of what we were made to be.
God, knowing that we're all broken,
comes into our world in the person of the Lord Jesus,
lays himself out through the sacrifice of himself on the cross,
comes into our lives,
unites us to himself through the Holy Spirit.
He applies what he has done,
and he shapes us for our future greatness.
Eternity in his presence,
whole may complete.
The great marriage in heaven.
And that gospel message,
that Christian message,
shapes your view of marriage now.
Marriage is gospel reenactment.
It's the Christian message reenacted.
Our course,
of course,
there are things like personal chemistry,
but even for the Christian faith,
it makes things go,
the gospel makes it deeper than that.
You see,
even things like attraction are much deeper.
As a Christian,
you're attracted not just to what the other person is,
but what they are going to be.
A Christian looks at another and thinks,
I see flashes of your future,
and they excite me.
You see,
what they are becoming,
and what God is making them into,
you see that,
you want to be part of that.
Marriage becomes gospel reenactment,
because you enter into the life of the other,
and you commit yourself to sacrifice,
to serve,
to help,
to minister,
so that they get to that destination.
Marriage.
With their spouse,
the Lord Jesus.
That's the picture of the end of Revelation.
You want to be part of that journey,
part of their journey to that glory,
the great marriage in heaven.
You are friends committed to each other's future glory.
That's the biblical picture of marriage.
It's a ministry mindset.
The consumer mindset of marriage,
which is the picture of dominant in our society at the moment,
where you marry for fulfillment,
the consumer mindset is the opposite of the biblical picture.
And the consumer mindset says,
I will be the spouse that I should be,
to the same measure that you are the spouse that you should be.
I will promise to do this for you,
providing you promise to do that for me.
And so if you're not being the spouse that you should be,
then I don't have to be the spouse that I should be.
And that isn't the mindset of the gospel-empowered person.
The gospel-motivated, empowered spouse says,
I will be the spouse that I am meant to be,
even when you are not the spouse that you are meant to be.
The power to be like that to another is Jesus,
because he has treated you like that.
He loves us not because we are lovely,
because he has made us lovely.
Isn't that what Ephesians 5 says?
Husbands, love your wives just as Christ loved the church
and gave himself up for her to make her holy,
cleansing her by the washing with water through the word
and to present her to himself as a radiant church
without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish,
but holy and blameless.
Now, hear me correctly here.
I'm not suggesting that marriage is one way
and that you're to be a doormat to a spouse.
I think the most unloving thing you can do to an abuser
is to allow them to abuse.
I think the most unloving thing you can do for a selfish person
is to allow them to be selfish.
Iron sharpens iron,
and so there is a need to confront your spouse
about such behaviours
and to take further steps if need be.
But you're going to need to be patient.
I mean real patient.
Marriage is ministry.
It is about service, not fulfilment.
And when you seek the other person's good,
even when you don't like them,
the deeper your love will be.
The less you love them
when you don't like them,
the less your love will be.
Now, none of what I've said is easy to do.
And the only way to get help here
is to look at this in the context of the gospel.
How can you stay on a journey
with a difficult spouse?
And the only answer, I think,
is chapter 2,
verse Proverbs 2, 16, 17,
wisdom will save you also
from the adulterous woman,
from the wayward woman
with the seductive words,
who has left the partner of her youth
and ignored the covenant
that she made before God.
What we need to see is
that we are the adulterous woman.
That's what we need to see.
We need to keep in mind
that Jesus Christ made a covenant
with the Father
to come to this earth
to make us his partners,
to make us his spouse.
And when he got here,
we crucified him.
We crucified him.
Jesus jumps into the very worst relationship,
a relationship that ultimately sent him to hell.
Some of you might think
you're in a relationship
that he's taken to hell,
but Jesus,
he got sent to hell,
a relationship with us.
That's what it cost him.
We need to see him dying on the cross for us,
but we also need to see him
staying in a terrible relationship with us.
We need to see him giving us
the ultimate faithfulness and love
despite of our lack of faithfulness and love.
Seeing and experiencing that
is your only hope.
And so I would say that
if your spouse
is the centre of your life,
you are going to be a lousy spouse.
If you're looking for them
to give you what only Jesus can give you,
you're going to be a lousy spouse.
You're going to treat them bad.
If they are the most important thing to you,
then you're going to be a lousy spouse.
If your spouse isn't giving you
what you think you should need,
and in fact only what Jesus can give you,
then you'd be so freaked out
because they are the source
of all your worth
and all your meaning
and all your happiness
and fulfilment and satisfaction.
Unless Jesus demotes your spouse
out of the centre of your life,
you're going to be a lousy spouse.
That's what we keep as a church.
And this is for everything.
We just keep saying,
we need to treasure Jesus,
treasure Jesus.
We're saying it again this morning.
Jesus has to demote everything.
Has to be the centre.
Jesus' love has to so move us
and give us the worth and security
and hope that we crave
so that when our spouse
is not what they should be
or what we would want them to be,
we can in fact continue to handle life.
Only when he is our ultimate
are we set free to love
and serve and minister to our spouse.
So before moving on to parents and kids,
just a quick word for those who are wondering
how we handle the journey of life
when we are not married
but we want to be.
There are a lot of people, frankly,
who want to be married but aren't.
They go to weddings
and frankly they can't stand it.
What I've just said a moment ago,
it just applies for you as well.
If it is true that you're going to be
a lousy spouse unless Jesus
is the ultimate source of love
and significance for you,
that is true for you
for when you're single too.
Marriage isn't the goal.
Let me just say,
marriage is not the goal.
It's not like you get married
and you've arrived.
Jesus is the goal.
Jesus has to be the ultimate source
of love and significance in your life.
Unless you are content as a single person,
let me say,
you'll never be content as a married person.
Unless you are content as a single person
because you already have
the ultimate spouse in your life,
the one who will get you
to your future glory
even if no one else signs up
to help you on that journey,
you already have Jesus.
every other spouse
is going to pale in significance.
When you're content with being single,
you will be a decent spouse.
And when you're not content
with being single
and see the marriage
as the goal of all things,
of satisfaction,
of fulfilment,
all that sort of stuff,
then you're going to start
making all kinds of wrong choices
about the sort of partner
you'll have.
Okay.
More things to say about marriage
but we've got to move on.
Family relationships,
parents to children.
There's a huge amount
that can be said here.
Even from Proverbs,
a whole lot more can be said
than what I'm going to say.
Given the time,
let's just focus on the main thing.
This is the main thing
that Proverbs says
about this relationship.
And if you are more bent
towards the conservative edge
like most traditional societies,
you are going to,
you're more likely to suggest
that the main thing about parenting
is about control.
If, on the other hand,
you're more liberal
like most modern Western societies,
then you're going to suggest
the main thing about parenting
is to make sure
that you grow your kids up to,
with love and affection
and affirmation.
What Proverbs says
is the main things about parenting
is to make your child wise.
So Proverbs 23, 22.
Listen to your father
who gave you life
and do not despise your mother
when she is old.
Buy the truth
and do not sell it
wisdom and instruction
inside as well.
The father of a righteous child
has great joy.
A man who fathers a wise son
rejoices in him.
May your father and mother rejoice.
May she who gave you birth
be joyful.
So the main job of a parent
is to teach your children
what is good,
what is bad,
what is right,
what is wrong,
what is wise,
what is unwise.
That's the main thing
about parenting.
And the number of us,
let's be frank here,
a number of us
have jettisoned
some,
potentially even much,
of what our parents
have taught us
about what's right and wrong.
However,
what makes you
able to come up
with an alternative
understanding
of what is right and wrong
is the fact
that your parents
taught you
anything in the first place.
If you have parents
who have been firm,
have a coherent understanding
of what's right and wrong
that they themselves
live by
and you know
that they delighted in you
no matter what,
you've been raised.
Now even if
you go a totally
different direction
in life,
you've still been raised.
Your parents
are not guilty
of parental
malpractice.
Now it's a different
matter
if
parents lived
inconsistently,
they didn't
delight in you,
they didn't train,
they didn't discipline,
they didn't teach,
they didn't navigate,
they didn't guide.
Proverbs would call that
parenting
malpractice.
And so some of you
who are now parents
whose kids have grown up
and are going in
different directions,
making different choices,
you need to probably
start feeling
less guilty
for that
if you have
at least
set a course
for your kids
but they've chosen
a different direction.
Stop beating yourself up
about it.
Some of you,
however,
have set no course
or direction
for your kids
and gone off
in whatever direction
you might need to feel
a little bit responsible
for that one.
Proverbs 22.15
makes,
gives us
the key ingredient
to making your child wise.
Folly is bound up
in the heart of a child
but the rod of discipline
will drive it far away.
Now,
what that's saying
is that children
are by nature
unwise.
Their life
will be a disaster
unless you intervene
and you give them wisdom.
Now,
the intervention here
in Proverbs 22
is called
the rod
of discipline.
Now,
the word discipline
here means
literally to coach.
It's a combination
of discipline
instruction.
Now,
the word rod
means to take
authority.
It doesn't
always mean
corporal punishment.
You see,
one of the great dangers
of reading
the book of Proverbs
and just picking out
your favourite proverb,
like you're about
to belt your kid
and you're saying,
well,
you know,
discipline my child,
you know,
the rod,
this is not a rod,
kid,
so be grateful.
You need to understand
the nuances
every time a word
pops up
and certainly here
every time a word
like,
for instance,
rod,
we think it
automatically means
to smack,
corporal punishment.
That's what you all
thought,
wasn't it?
Automatically,
corporal punishment,
boom.
Now,
it's included
at times
but not all times.
There's a famous
proverb that says,
start children off
on the way
they should go
and even when
they're old
they will not
turn from it.
That's 22.6.
Now,
many commentators
suggest the nature
of training there
is to fit
the nature
of the child.
I've got three
daughters,
they're all
very different.
Some children
sideways glance
and boom,
they're on the floor
and they're a mess.
They're all over
the place.
Well,
that's all that one's
needed.
Another one
can stare you
down.
You know,
any sort of threat
at all
and they're just
adamant.
There's no way
there's going to be
any tears here.
I'm just going to
show you who's
in charge.
That's just my
family.
I've got no idea.
If you think
the corporal
punishment
is the
universal
answer,
you've totally
missed the point
of Proverbs
and the
biblical
understanding
of child
rearing.
Your child
needs to know
that you
delight in
them no matter
what.
Your child
needs to have
a coherent
understanding
of right and
wrong and I
would argue
that's a biblical
understanding of
right and wrong
and your child
needs to see
you consistently
living that
out.
Quick
word.
Dads,
take responsibility
here to lead
your family,
to lead your
kids.
And secondly,
kids' church
doesn't do that
for you.
It's your
job.
It's your
job.
You want to
instill spiritual
wisdom in your
kids, you've
got to do it
at home.
We only just
partner with
you for a
little fraction
of your
child's life
here at
Kids'
Church.
Okay.
That's the
main way that
parents relate
to children.
Now, what
about children
relating to
parents?
In Proverbs
and in the
rest of the
Bible, there
is one key
word that
comes up
again and
again to
describe the
main thing
about this
relationship and
it's the
word honour.
honour.
The opposite
of honouring
is to
despise.
Now, you
probably know
this is
true.
It's in the
Ten Commandments.
Honour your
father and
mother.
Notice it
doesn't say
love your
father and
mother.
It doesn't
say obey
your father
and mother.
It doesn't
say admire
your father
and mother.
It doesn't
say trust
your father
and mother.
It doesn't
even say have
affection for
your father
and mother.
It says
honour.
Why?
Why not
love your
father and
mother?
father.
Now, there
is an
enormous range
of transitions
that we go
through in
life in
which we
relate to
our parents.
You go from
an infant to
a toddler to
a young adult
and then the
teenage years
and then all
that sort of
stuff.
In fact,
that comes
before young
adult,
teenage years,
and then after
that sort of
stuff.
Now, in
some of those
stages of
life, to
obey your
parents is
either
absolutely
essential,
crucial for
you, as I
would argue,
for instance,
you know,
sort of up to
the age of
10, or
it's a
complete
disaster for
you, such
as if
you're 47.
There is
just an
enormous range
of situations
in the way
that we relate
to our
parents, and
there's also
an enormous
range of
parents as
well.
It might
not have
struck you,
before, but
by definition,
half of all
parents are
below average.
Argue with
that logic.
A lot of
parents are
not great
parents, and
that is why
the Bible is
very smart
when it says
there is one
thing that is
constant in
your relationship
with your
parents, despite
the stages of
life, despite
the quality of
your parents,
and this one
condition must be
fulfilled.
you must
honour them.
And honour
is not a
sentimental word,
it's an
unsentimental
word.
It means to
treat your
parents with
appropriate
weight.
Now let's
just, given
that most of
us here are
adults, and
some are
moving in
that direction,
once you hit
over 30,
let's just
focus on what
it looks like
as an adult
to honour
their parents.
And there
are five
ways, five
ways, at
least five
ways.
Number one,
find the
appropriate
symbols by
which you
show them
respect.
Remembering
special days,
places at the
table, you
know, even
when my dad
comes and
visits my
home, offer
him the head
of the table.
letting them
speak first in
certain situations,
that sort of
thing.
Number two,
don't underestimate
your parents'
need to see
themselves
reproduced in
you.
Any place
that you can
say, I got
that from you
and I'm
grateful.
You know,
when my,
I was,
this is
recorded,
just recently
I was helping
my dad
build a
shed and
my mum
was grateful
that I was
there to
help my
dad build
the shed.
I'm slightly
more precise
on things like
levels and
measurements than
he is.
He's pretty
good but I'm
more precise
on things.
And mum
said, you
know, glad
you're here to
make it happen.
And I said,
well, I
actually did get
it from him.
I got my
skills from
him.
Just take it,
you know,
anytime they see
you duplicate
it.
My dad
compliments me
on my
driving and
I got it
from him.
He can
drive virtually
anything.
You put him
in a machine,
you can drive
anything.
Got it from
him.
My incessant
cleanliness and
tidiness and
order, I got it
from my mum.
Not from my
dad.
Got that from
my mum.
Don't underestimate
your parents need
to see themselves
reproducing you.
Number three,
don't stereotype
them.
They can change.
People can change.
Just because
they were always
like that up
until the time
you left home
doesn't mean
they're like it
now.
They can change.
Number four,
you have to
forgive them.
If you stay
resentful at
your parents,
your life will
be distorted.
And some of
you might have
lost your
parents long
ago, but
you're still
angry with
them about
something.
And if you
are, they
are still
controlling you.
They're still
controlling you.
And if you're
still mad at
them, you're
still operating
like the
child.
One of the
ways to break
that is by
forgiving them.
Number five,
and this is the
most important
one, the way
to honour
them is to
be liberated
enough from
them to be
able to say,
I don't need
your approval
anymore.
I don't need
your approval
anymore.
If you've
had really
great parents,
you can spend
the rest of
your life
trying to
please them
by being
like them,
or you
might have
had really
bad parents
and you
spend the
rest of
your life
resenting
them.
Either way,
you haven't
left them.
Either way,
you haven't
left them.
You haven't
grown up and
therefore you
haven't really
honoured them.
A number of
years ago,
about five,
six years ago,
I spent most
of my life
attempting to
get my
father's
approval,
where he
would say
that I'm
proud of
you and
what you
become and
that sort
of thing.
About five,
six years
ago,
sitting in
the kitchen
over the
rectory,
mum and
dad came
and said,
just want
you to
know how
proud of
we are
in you and
what you
become,
who you
are as a
husband,
who you
are as a
father,
who you
are as a
pastor.
We
couldn't
be prouder
as parents.
You know
something?
It was
really nice
to hear
him say
it.
I didn't
need it.
That's what
Jesus does
for you.
I didn't
need it.
It was
good for
them to
say it,
good for
them,
and it
was good
for me,
but I
didn't
need it.
Let me
just say,
this is one
of the
reasons why
the Bible's
called on
our parents
is so,
so important.
You never
grow up,
you never
grow up
if you
don't need
their approval,
if you
don't get
to a point
where you
don't need
their approval.
At one
point,
our parents
stood in the
place of
God for
us,
they were
our complete
source of
identity and
security and
significance,
but for the
Christian,
they aren't
God anymore.
Through
Jesus Christ,
who lost
his father's
delight at
the cross,
we now have
the delight
of God the
Father.
Through
Jesus,
our true
brother,
we now have
the ultimate
family,
the ultimate
home,
the ultimate
approval of
the ultimate
father,
and through
Jesus,
we are now
free to
honour our
parents,
we are free
to forgive
our parents,
free not to
over-need our
parents.
So as I
said,
something for
everyone.
We're all
kids.
Something for
everyone.
Jesus is the
answer for the
couple, the
married couple,
to flourish.
He is the
answer for the
spouse in a
difficult marriage.
He's the answer
for the single
person wanting
to be married.
He is the
answer for the
parents seeking
to impart
wisdom and
for the child
seeking to
honour their
parent.
Amen.