Well, good morning, everyone. If you'd like to keep your Bibles open there, that would be fantastic.
We have, as John has said, we are partway through, quite a way through actually, our series on marriage, where we're looking at Ephesians 5, 21 to 33.
We've seen the mystery of the marriage, the profound mystery of marriage, is that the gospel of Jesus Christ and marriage explain each other.
There are things we would not know about marriage if it was not for the gospel, and there are things about the gospel we wouldn't know if it wasn't for marriage.
Marriage, as I've said a number of times, is a human relationship, but it is the penultimate relationship.
It points to the eternal marriage of Christ and his church.
One of the things I've also said early in this series is that everything that Ephesians 5 says about marriage comes after he tells us about the power that we need in order to be married as God describes it.
And that is, what we need is the indwelling work of the Holy Spirit, pointing us consistently to the gospel of the Lord Jesus Christ, who surrendered his will for our sake.
And so Ephesians 5, 21, submit to one another out of reverence for Christ, is really the foundational verse before the rest of that gets unpacked in the marriage relationship.
And so what I've been saying consistently is that we need to be captivated by Christ or struck by his selflessness,
because self-centeredness, our self-centeredness, the human heart, is the main havoc-wreaking problem in many marriages,
and is certainly the ever-present enemy in every marriage.
And that's certainly the case with the issue that we're addressing today on the topic of the structure of marriage.
The subject of gender roles in marriage is contentious.
It is certainly controversial.
But more importantly than it being intellectually contentious or culturally contentious and controversial,
it is an issue which for some is deeply personal,
which is why we wanted to put the things we put up there just before Nick's announcement.
It is deeply personal for some people and potentially for you sitting in the room now.
And that is because verses like Ephesians 5 here have been used as weapons of both oppression and rebellion in marriages.
Sin has infected every human culture, every human culture,
in such a way that they have found a way,
those cultures found a way to interpret headship and submission
in a way that has marginalized and oppressed women.
Too many women have suffered abuse at the hands of self-centered men
with a sense of entitlement who have no desire to follow Christ,
but take virtue of this and twist them
and to form unbiblical definitions of headship and submission to pump up their egos.
And in my time as a pastor,
I've had the unpleasant task of confronting that scenario on numerous occasions.
And it's something that we as a church take seriously
and should never, ever put up with.
But despite all of that,
this issue must be explored because it's in Scripture.
It's as God,
God's communicating something that's very important here.
And the other reason we must look at it from God's perspective
is that every single one of us come into marriage
with an idea of how a husband should behave towards his wife
and a wife towards her husband.
We bring that regardless of these verses.
So I'm going to ask you to tune in
and I'm going to ask you to stay with me.
Whether you identify yourself as egalitarian,
a feminist, a traditionalist, a complementarian,
or any other variety of the interpretive spectrum,
the differences between a man and a woman
will become an unavoidable issue in marriage.
You can't dodge it.
And as we look into this issue of the structure of marriage and gender roles,
we must begin with a look at the good that God intended
and how men and women have corrupted that good
and what Jesus has done to redeem it
and therefore how we practice it.
But it's only until we understand that core principles start with
can we then move into the hazardous concepts of authority and submission
and headships.
So I'm leading us this morning into a minefield
and you wait on the sidelines while I walk in there for a moment
and throw myself on the grenades.
So here's the structure for this morning as we go through.
So the background to Ephesians 5 on marriage
is the beginning of the Bible and God creating the material universe.
The first mention of the Bible, of gender in the Bible,
occurs with the very first mention of humanity itself.
Genesis 1, 26, 28,
God created mankind in his own image.
In the image of God, he created them.
Male and female, he created them.
God blessed them and said to them,
Be fruitful and increase in number.
Fill the earth and subdue it.
Rule over the fish in the sea and the birds in the sky
and over every living creature that moves on the ground.
Now, I'm going to go over some territory.
I've already been here just because it's just helpful to be reminded of it.
The wording of verse 26 is very important.
The words, let us, God saying, let us and our point to the plurality of God.
It's the Christian doctrine of the Trinity.
It's the first glimpses of it we get.
But, so God is plural, three in one,
but the words image and likeness are both in the original Hebrew language in singular form.
Plurality of God, but the image and the likeness of God is singular.
The God of the Bible, in whose image humanity is created,
is an eternal community.
And that's the only way, as I said a couple of weeks ago,
the only way you can come to terms with Genesis 2.18.
The Lord God said,
It is not good for a man to be alone.
I will make a suitable helper for him.
So Adam is alone and it's not good.
It's the only thing in the creation account that's described as not good.
That is, Adam is incomplete.
This is before sin entered the world.
And so God declares,
I will make a helper suitable for him.
Now, the woman is created differently than the way Adam was created.
But she is created directly by God.
And there's no sense in the biblical accounts at all
that she is in any way inferior to the male,
in any sense.
Genesis 2.18 calls her a helper suitable for him.
And the English word helper translates the Hebrew word.
I've done this before.
I want to go over it again.
It translates the Hebrew word that is almost always used in the Bible
to describe God's helping of Israel.
The helper is someone who makes up for what is lacking in the other.
In other words, if the word is used of God,
there is no sense at all that God is in any way inferior to Israel.
He is their savior, their rescue, their Lord.
You see, the same word is used not just of God,
but it's also used in the Old Testament to describe the military help.
Like, for instance, military reinforcements of troops,
which if they didn't get the reinforcements,
the battle would be lost.
So the woman is not a domestic assistant.
The woman is a strong helper.
She is a savior friend to the male, to the man.
And so even right at the very beginning of Genesis,
men and women are created with absolute equality.
Both are made in the image of God.
Both are equally blessed.
Both are equally commissioned to have dominion of the earth,
to exercise authority over the earth.
Both.
What this means is that men and women together,
in full participation together,
carry out God's mandate to rule the world.
But God then tells them,
straight after creating the man and male and female,
he tells them to be fruitful and fill the earth.
That is, that mandate there is a mandate to procreate,
and it's a mandate that reflects God's own boundless,
life-giving creativity.
The God who is a source of life,
his mandate is to reflect his life-giving creativity
in the procreation of children.
And it's a mandate,
still to this day,
whatever you think about views of gender,
that we have to carry out in complementary union.
None of us by ourselves have the ability
to fulfil that mandate.
So these verses strongly suggest
that the sexes, male and female,
are equal in dignity and worth,
but also different,
and they are complementary to one another.
In fact, the word suitable,
again, feels a bit weak.
The word suitable there in Genesis,
translate a phrase that is,
you could kind of,
you literally translate it as,
like opposite him,
which is another way of saying,
God created woman
who is just like the man,
but also opposite to the man.
And so when the woman is brought to the man
in the first marriage ceremony,
Adam doesn't go,
whoa, humdinger.
He actually,
it's a poetry language of flesh of my flesh
and bone of my bone.
It's a language which goes,
you are like me,
and yet you're different than me.
You are mysterious,
but I'm drawn to you.
If you like,
they are two pieces of a puzzle.
They fit together
because they're not exactly alike,
nor are they randomly different.
They complete each other.
And so what the Bible teaches us
is that our gender
is not incidental
to our humanness,
but it actually constitutes
its very essence.
It goes right down
into the very core
of who you are,
into every cell of who you are.
And what that means is
we cannot understand ourselves
if we try to ignore the way
that God has designed us.
Now, one of the first,
ironically,
one of the first feminist studies
that argued for the irreducible
gender indifference
was Carol Gilligan's
A Different Voice,
1980s,
early 1980s,
I think it was written.
It's been described
as a little book
that started a revolution,
translated in over 20 different languages,
a New York Times bestseller,
continues to be used today.
Now, Gilligan,
a Jewish feminist,
argued against
what was happening
in her circle
she was arguing
against social theories
that tried to emphasise
a gender indifference,
that if there was any differences,
that they were only superficial differences,
that really were superficial differences
based on culture and social constructs.
what she insisted,
with science,
with research,
that female psychology development,
psychological development,
their motivations
and even moral reasoning
were different than those of males.
women
were different than those of them.
She said you could see it
right from the get-go
from before they could even speak.
And she argued
absolutely convincingly
amongst other things
that while men seek maturity
by detaching themselves relationally,
becoming independent,
women see themselves maturing
as they attach themselves
and become interdependent
relationally.
She said that's the irreducible differences
between the two
in summary form.
And I would have to say
that what Gilligan,
whether she realised it or not,
observed about gender difference
is clearly played out
in Genesis 3,
negatively,
where man and woman,
they rebel against God's design
and his rule
and the immediate
and catastrophic
change
in their unity
between them
is just
beyond comprehension.
Immediately,
rather than a oneness
and a union
and a complementing
of one another,
there is blame shifting
and finger pointing
and accusation.
instead of
the difference
being a source
of completion
of one another
and joy for one another,
it becomes
an occasion
for oppression
and exploitation.
The woman
remains
dependent
and desirous
of her husband.
Her curse,
you might notice
up there,
is a relational curse.
You will desire
your husband
but he will rule
it over you
and his protection
and love
becomes a selfish lust
and an exploitation
of her.
He will dominate her.
The man,
his curse,
a desire
to detach himself
from relationally
and set his course
as an independent person
to dominate
and rule the world,
his curse is
your work
will be your burden.
The thing
that you think
will be your salvation
will exploit you
and dominate you
and likewise
for the woman,
the thing
that you think
will be your salvation
will dominate you
and exploit you.
What,
the whole point
of this
is to see
the equality
and the differences
but also
to see
that
the problem
in marriage
is not
Ephesians 5.
The problem
is not
God's design.
The problem
is sin.
and the
profound
self-centeredness
of the human heart
that grabs
hold
of Ephesians 5
and says
I can use
this as a weapon.
So,
let's unpack
how we,
therefore,
if marriage
is a picture,
if it meant
to display,
reflect a greater glory,
let's look
at how we do
that in marriage.
Ephesians 5.
tells us
that this is,
in fact,
the profound
mystery of marriage
between a man
and a woman.
It's a living
illustration
of the relationship
between,
the saving
relationship
between
Christ
and his church.
And so,
when
Ephesians 5
talks about
specific roles,
what is happening
here
is it's
revealing
something
magnificent
and about
God.
And what
we discover
is that
Jesus
is the
pattern
for both
genders
and both
roles.
First of all,
we see it
in the submission
of Jesus.
Philippians 2,
verses 5 to 11,
celebrate
that although
Jesus was
equal with
God,
he entered
himself of
his glory
and took
on the role
of a servant.
And these
verses teach
quite clearly
the equality
of the father
and the son,
but also
the voluntary
submission
of the son
to the
father
to secure
our salvation
for the
glory of
the father.
Nowhere
in the
New Testament
are we
told in
any way,
hinted at
in any
way,
the
God,
the
father
coerced,
forced,
manipulated,
or subjugated
the son
in any
way
whatsoever.
His
submission,
the submission
of the
son
is wholly
voluntary.
It was
his gift
to his
father.
And the
father
accepts
the gift
according to
Philippians
to,
and exalts
the son
to the
highest
place.
In other
words,
what happens
is each
exists to
please the
other,
to exalt
the other,
to love
and honour
the other.
and so
there's
this
reciprocal,
the
love and
honour
are given,
they are
accepted,
and they
are given
again.
And in
no sense
at all
from
Philippians
2,
is the
submission,
the voluntary
submission of
Jesus,
an assault
on his
dignity or
his divinity
in any way
whatsoever.
it was
in fact
the path,
it was
the path
to the
father giving
him greater
glory.
This
is the
vibrant
life of
the
trinity.
The
father and
son
relationship
is a
pattern of
the
relationship
between
the
husband
to
wife.
Submission
in marriage
is a
gift
offered
by the
wife
to the
husband
for her
greater
glory.
But
Jesus is
also the
pattern for
the husband.
It would
be a
mistake,
I think,
it would be a
mistake,
and husbands,
you need to
hear this,
it's a
mistake to
see that
it takes
an equal
degree of
submission
for men
to submit
to their
roles as
servant
leaders.
Particularly
if we
see ourselves
maturing by
detachment
and
independence.
you see,
what Jesus
does in
his life,
in his
ministry,
in his
teaching,
is he
doesn't give
us a
different
definition
of
leadership,
he doesn't
give us an
alternative,
what he
does is he
actually reveals
the true
definition
of what
leadership
actually is
in every
sense,
in all
leadership,
all
leadership
is.
greatness is
the one
who is
most
self-effacing,
most
sacrificial,
most
devoted to
the good
of the
other.
A famous
passage,
John 13,
Jesus
washes
these
disciples'
feet.
servant,
and what's
famous about
it is that
the master,
the one
that they
have become
to know
as the
Lord,
becomes
the servant,
takes on
the role
of the
lowest
activity
of a
servant
in Jesus'
culture,
to wash
the feet
of those
who were
superior.
And what
he demonstrates
here in the
most dramatic
way is that
authority and
leadership mean
that you become
the servant.
You die to
serve in
order to
love and
to serve
others.
As Jesus
tells us in
Mark 10,
he did not
come to be
served but
to serve
and to
serve to
the point
of surrendering
his life
to death.
That much
of a
sacrifice.
And so
what Jesus
reveals
directly from
the God
head,
the design
of creation
is that
all
authority
is
servant
authority.
Not some
of it,
all
authority
is
servant.
There is
no other
definition
except one
that's
redefined
by sin.
Any
exercise
of authority
and power
to please
or advance
yourself
is in
effect
an
abdication
of
authority
and
leadership.
That's
what it
is.
It's an
abdication
of authority
and leadership.
And so
in Ephesians
5,
the husband
submits
to the
role of
servant
leader
who uses
his authority
and his
power
to express
a love
that does
not even
stop
at dying
for his
beloved.
That's
headship
in
Ephesians
5.
In other
words,
when you
step back
and you
look at
Ephesians
5,
both
headship
and
submission,
both husband
and wife
get to
play the
role of
Jesus
in their
marriage.
Jesus
in his
sacrificial
submission
or Jesus
in his
sacrificial
authority
to their
spouse.
So,
how do
we work
against
sin,
which
happened in
the Garden
of Eden,
where the
oneness,
because of
sin,
there's
separation
and fear,
lack of
vulnerability,
cover up.
What does it
look like in
practice?
What is this
gender role
and difference?
What does it
mean in
actual
practice?
Now,
without your
pen and
your paper,
because,
actually,
don't do
that,
because I'm
not going
to give
you a
list at
all.
This is,
in fact,
where it's
incredibly
frustrating for
those who
want lists,
for those who
want rules,
for those who
want just a
job description.
You know,
Steve,
could you whip
out a job
description and
just print one
out and send
us to it
tomorrow and
tell me what
my role is.
This is where
the Bible
gives us,
I mean,
it tells us
this and
doesn't give
us any
details.
It's what
it looks
like.
Nowhere,
nowhere anywhere
in the Bible
does it say
that a wife
should stay
at home,
never have
a career,
be responsible
for the
childcare and
the cooking.
Neither does
it say
husbands are
the breadwinners,
they're to do
the home
maintenance,
manage the
finances and
choose the
family car.
Nowhere at
all does
it say that,
at all.
Any such
stereotypes
are entirely
culturally
driven.
They are
not the
definition of
the
traditional
Christian
marriage at
all in
any way.
In fact,
in Jesus'
time,
there's no
way those
cultural
stereotypes
would have
worked.
The cultural
stereotypes that
we think in
Western
civilisation are
traditional
cultural
marriage,
traditional
Christian
marriage,
arose out
of
enlightenment
and the
industrialised
age.
We're
flocking to
the city
and for
the first
time in
history,
the man
gets up
or someone
gets up
and has
got to
go to
work in
a factory.
Well,
who looks
after the
kids?
You can't
take them
to the
factory.
Before
the
industrialised
age,
in an
agrarian
culture,
both husband
and wife
were in
the
paddock,
as you'll
find in
most farms
today.
They're both
in the
paddock.
They're both
doing,
well,
they didn't
have cars,
you know,
fixing the
cart or the
camel or
whatever it
is.
They're both
doing that
work.
You see,
the Bible
was written
for all
cultures
across the
centuries,
and so
any rigid
cultural
gender roles
have no
biblical
warrant at
all.
If you're
feeling guilty
at all
about any
of that
stuff,
you should
not.
The Bible
allows for
freedom in
the particulars
while still
upholding the
principle.
The basic
roles of
leader and
helper
are binding,
or if you
like,
the basic
function of
leader and
helper are
binding.
people
must work
out for
themselves
how this
is expressed
in their
marriage.
The very
process of
actually going
through that
is what I
think is part
of what it
means to
honour your
gender
differences.
rather than
just walking
into it,
which most
of us do,
walk into
marriage just
assuming the
roles that
we've inherited
without giving
it any thought
whatsoever as
to what the
biblical structure
of it might
be.
And so,
husbands, if I
can speak to
you,
some of
us may
need to
work on
the leader
part of
being a
servant
leader.
That is,
we're more
likely to
give in and
just go,
yeah,
whatever,
whatever.
And therefore,
when we do
that, we're
abdicating to
the wife to
make the
decision.
Dig down
our heart,
we just
don't want to
have to go
there.
We don't
want to take
the responsibility.
And so,
for some
of us,
that's what
we need
to do.
For me,
I've had to
work on
the servant
part of
the servant
leadership in
my marriage.
My
maleness is
that I
tend to
be, and
always have
been,
someone who
has looked
outward and
looked forward
in life.
I tend
to be quick
to step
stand on
principle,
to be
logical in
my problem
solving,
to planning
a course
of action
and getting
a job
done.
And those
gifts have
been affirmed
not just by
Nat, but
affirmed by
people in
life for me,
even in my
very first
job as a
15-year-old.
gift.
But even
those gifts
must be
balanced
because,
as it
turns out,
I should
never have
locked in the
date and
venue for
our wedding
without
consulting
that.
And in
my
mildness,
I can't
even believe
it really,
that I
did it,
but in
my
mildness,
I was
genuinely
surprised that
she was
shocked and
not affirming
the decisiveness
of it.
Apparently,
I'm
frustratingly
masculine in
my
independence.
And yet,
Nat has
continued to
affirm my
gifting while
also on
many, many
occasions and
constantly leaning
into me to
help me to
see the
impact of
my giftedness,
my independence
on her and
others to
balance it
out.
And when
she leans
into that,
either
frustratingly
or really
kindly and
helpfully,
it doesn't
matter,
either way,
the reason
that I
need to
listen is
because Nat,
like no one
else, has
experienced the
negativity, the
sin, the
wickedness of
my unbalanced
maleness.
She sees it
in a way that
no one else
does.
and experience
it like no
one else
does.
And so she
could say to
me,
you need to
know how
this felt.
and so she
pushes me and
pushes me.
Can I
say,
this is my
fifth sermon,
I think, on
marriage that I've
done.
Are we up to
number six?
I can't remember.
Marriage number
six.
I think it's
five.
I've been doing
the reporting,
but Nat and I
both together
are behind
these messages.
She has
contributed.
I bring in the
Hebrew and the
biblical stuff,
but it is the
worked out
reality of it
that is not
just me and
my vocation
and education,
it is us,
even if I'm doing
the reporting.
so I just
want to make
that clear.
I, as a
male, have
needed all,
I need all
the help I
can get.
And that's
particularly so
because I've
got four people
who are opposite
to me in the
home.
And God knew
exactly what I
needed.
He knew
exactly what I
needed.
I need all the
help I can get.
And what is
incredible is
that after
nearly three
decades, I
think, with
Nat, I've
learnt to
look at life
from her
perspective.
Not in the
same way she
does, but I
will find
myself in
pastoral
scenarios and
a whole range
of things,
and I will
come quicker
to what
Nat's view
might be on
this scenario.
I did
something
recently
and I
listened to
my
maleness
and before
I got
home and
reported to
Nat, I
knew exactly
what I
should have
done because
I knew
exactly what
she would
say.
And she
did.
Of course,
then my
sinfulness
went into
self-justification
mode.
she has
been a
strong
helper to
save me
from drifting
into, on
the one
hand, toxic
masculinity,
and on the
other hand,
from abdicating
my masculinity
so that she
has to pick
up the
leadership role.
So husband
and wife are
there to
complement each
other.
And on a
deeper level,
we find out
who we
really are
because of
our spouse.
Because no
one can see
us the way
they see
us.
They see all
of our sins
and our
failings and
our faults
and our
weaknesses like
no other
one.
And they
experience it,
they are on
the receiving
end of it,
like no
other.
And so
in marriage,
as Nick
said last
week,
marriage a
truth,
loving
commitment
and grace,
a person
who is
like me
but opposite
me,
that person
is healing
me.
They're
shaping me.
And it
goes both
ways.
You know,
recently Nat
was frustrated
with an
issue and
to do,
I didn't
know what
the issue
was,
I actually
can't be
who it
was,
but there
was this
issue where,
I think it
was at work
where she
needed to
fire off an
email and
she actually
was so
passionate
about it,
she said,
I'm just
going to
send him
an email.
And I
said,
hang on a
bit,
maybe just
sleep on
it for a
bit.
Or maybe
just draft
something and
send it to
me and
then I'll
have a look
at it and
maybe send
it tomorrow.
And she
did.
I looked at
it,
I came up
with a few
edits,
sent it back
to her and
she said to
me,
I'm so glad
that you
said that to
me and
your edits
were just
the right
wording and
I sent it
off.
You see
what's
happened
there?
Nat
and I
swapped
roles.
That is,
she became
like me in
the first
instance and
I was like
her, she
taught me to
do that.
She taught
me to hang
on a bit,
sleep on
it.
I hope
I've given
her a little
bit more
than just
I'm going to
fire off an
email.
But hopefully
the decisiveness
at that point
or taking
initiative at
that point
might be a
helpful thing,
I don't know.
But it
goes both
ways.
Now let me
just say,
while the
practical
details are
missing in
Ephesians 5,
the principles
of how
authority and
submission
work out
are not
missing.
So I'm
going to
mention
four things
and I
want to
mention
them from
the negative
of what
submission and
headship and
authority are
not.
So first
of all,
the husband's
authority,
like the
authority of
Jesus over
his church,
is never
used to
please himself
but only to
serve the
interests of
his wife.
That is,
a headship
does not
mean a
husband simply
makes all
the decisions
and it
certainly
doesn't mean
he gets
his own
way in
every
disagreement.
Why?
Because Jesus
never did
anything to
please himself.
A servant
leader must
sacrifice his
wants and
his needs
and particularly
blokes for
your own
personal
advancement,
in order to
build up and
to please
your spouse.
Secondly,
a wife in
her submission
is never
meant to be
merely compliant
but is to
use her
resources to
empower.
She is to
be her
husband's
most trusted
friend,
counsellor,
and corrector
as he
is hers.
To
complement
each other
means
husband and
wife need
to hear
each other
out,
they need
to make
their
arguments,
and they
need to
discern a
way forward.
Now,
that's
hard.
It's
hard work
and it
involves
loving
disagreement
with
affection
until you
sharpen,
enrich,
and enhance
each other
on multiple
occasions
in our
life together.
The course
of action
that we
have gone
as a
couple
and that
I've
made the
call on
to go
on.
Nat
has
sharpened
that
decision,
hasn't
ultimately
changed the
direction,
but brought
so much
nuance and
sharpened
it in
such a
way that
the
actual,
if you
like,
execution of
the decision
has been
entirely
hers,
her making,
even if
the decision,
the direction
was mine.
You see,
the wife
must bring
every gift
and resource
that she
has to
the discussion
and the
husband must,
as any
wise leader
should,
know when
to allow
his wife's
expertise
to trump
his own
and his
own less
well-informed
opinion.
That is,
a servant
leader means,
and any
secular book
on this
will tell
you,
means to be
a servant
leader,
you cannot
always be
the smartest
man in
the room.
In fact,
you ought
not be.
Number three,
Ephesians 5
does not
mean a
wife is
not to
give a
husband
unconditional
obedience
when it
says the
words,
in
everything.
No
human being
should give
any other
human being
unconditional
obedience.
As Peter
says,
we must
obey God
rather than
man.
a wife,
let me be
clear on
this,
a wife
should not
obey or
aid a
husband in
doing things
that God
forbids,
such as
breaking the
law,
or obey
him in
abusing
her in
any way,
what's
safe,
or any
form
whatsoever.
For
example,
if a
husband
physically
abuses
his wife,
the strong
help that
you become
in that
moment,
that you
should exercise
as a
wife,
is to
love and
forgive your
husband in
your heart,
but you
should also
call the
police and
have him
arrested.
You
should do
both.
Absolutely
do both.
It is
never kind,
it is
never loving
to anyone
to make
any form
of excuse
for wrong
behaviour.
And there
is no
sense in
Ephesians 5
that the
husband can
in any
way,
shape,
form,
order his
wife around
in daily
life.
Nothing in
Ephesians 5
would lead
you to
conclude
that.
He has
no right
to order
her to
wash the
dishes.
no right
to order
her to
go to
work.
No right
to order
her to
stop
going to
work.
No right
to order
her not
to go to
church or
to a
community
group.
He has
no right
to order
her to
have sex.
No right
to order
her to
have
anything
at all,
do anything
at all.
That's
not what
headship
is.
Number
four,
husbands
assuming
the role
of
headship
is only
done
for
purposes
for
serving
your
wife
and
family.
Can we
understand
what
headship
is now?
Can we
understand
what the
authority
is?
It's
only for
the purpose
of serving.
It's
not for
dominating
in any
way
whatsoever.
Headship
means the
husband
can only
overrule
if he
spouse,
sorry,
overrule
his spouse
if he
is sure
that her
choice
would be
destructive
to her
or to
the
family.
And I
would say
in the
moment of
overruling
you would
do so
with the
counsel of
others
before you
overrule.
That is
headship
is never
to be used
selfishly
to get your
own way
about the
colour of
the car
that you're
going to
buy.
who gets
to hold
the
remote
for TV.
whether
you know
headship
doesn't
mean you
get to
choose
whether you
have the
night out
with the
boys or
whether you
should stay
home and
help the
wife with
the kids
and the
washing and
the kids
and whatever
else.
Headship
is an
important and
a practical
principle.
It is a
very practical
principle.
It is not
about
superiority
at all.
It is
just a
very
practical
principle
because
with the
equality
of husband
and wife
there is
only two
votes in
marriage.
So how
does a
stalemate
get broken?
With two
votes.
and two
votes
without
someone
having to
give way
and make
their vote
null and
void.
You see
in a
healthy
marriage
this
stalemate
scenario
are broken
because
each will
try to
give the
other his
or her
pleasure.
that's
how it's
broken in
a healthy
marriage.
And in
that sense
what it
means is
that what
you discover
is that
the more
that you
follow this
pattern
the whole
idea of
headship
becomes very
rare indeed.
in fact
I would
say that
in the
27 and
a half
years I've
been married
this idea
of the
exercise of
my headship
in our
marriage
has happened
you could
count them
you could
count them
on two
hands
maybe
most likely
one hand
I've had to
exercise
headship.
That's all.
It's not
happening
Monday
to Sunday.
It's a
very rare
occasion.
And it's
an occasion
when Nat
and I
can't agree
but a
decision
must be
made.
And in
one such
case because
there are
some times
where you
can't agree
and you
can't not
make a
decision.
You know
like
husband and
wife are
at star
might
loggerheads
as to
the
education
of
their
children.
You
can't
not
make
a
decision.
At
some
point
you're
going to
get a
phone
call or
letter
from the
government.
Why are
your kids
not enrolled?
They're 17.
They haven't
been to
school.
You've
got to
make a
decision.
in one
such case
of that
stalemate
it resulted
in me
making a
decision
and it
was a
decision
that ultimately
was to
trust in
Nat's
superior
knowledge and
experience.
The stalemate
was broken
when I
went
actually
Nat's
got the
best
idea.
Now
you might
say
well hang
on a
bit
isn't
that
just
another
way of
saying
that the
stalemate
was
ended
because
Nat
made the
decision?
Not at
all.
Not at
all.
I made
the
decision
because
course
I did
not
change
my
view.
I
still
held
my
view
but I
said
for the
sake
of Nat
and in
fact our
kids at
this point
her view
is the
best way
forward.
It's the
best
exercise
of servant
leadership.
And
we
endorse
her
view
deciding
in her
way
I
took
full
responsibility
for that
decision
from that
moment.
And
at no
point
have I
ever
gone back
and said
told you
so.
Told
you
so.
The
husband
is to
weigh
the
wife's
argument
in the
stalemate
with
her.
Get
his
wife to
help
him
consider
and
primarily
blokes
you
need
your
spouse
to help
you.
You
need
your
wife
to
help
you
consider
your
motives
not
the
logic
of
your
arguments
because
the
motive
that's
deep
inside
of
your
heart
is
a
motive
that's
going
to
push
you
towards
independence
and
you
need
your
spouse
to
help
you
understand
your
motives.
And
then you
make a
decision
that
serves
your
wife and
your
family the
best.
So
servant
leadership
works to
complement
relational
independence.
Headship is
about sacrifice
and responsibility.
So I've
taken all
the time
and I
just want
to say
one last
thing.
Where do
we get
the power
for all
of this?
And
especially
if
right now
and I
can say
even if
your spouse
is not
on board
with you
for this
right now
you still
have the
power to
start moving
in the
direction
by God's
design
in your
marriage.
marriage
because the
power that
comes from
it is
ultimately
not just
embracing
each other
but by
being embraced
by the
ultimate
other.
The one
who is
ultimately
different
to us.
The
gender
differences
are
seismic.
The
sin in
our hearts
tends to
respond by
assigning
moral
significance
to those
differences
when the
differences
are really
deeply
temperamental.
And
Jesus
gives us
the pattern
to make
it work
but also
the power
to change
our hearts
towards each
other.
And that
power is
simply this.
It's the
gospel.
You should
have picked
this up in
Ephesians
when we're
in Ephesians
but Jesus
Christ
embraced
his church.
He
embraced
that which
was completely
other than
him.
Sinful
nature.
Sinful
humanity.
As
being
humans
we are
not
just
simply
different
from
him.
We are
fundamentally
opposed
to him
as
God.
And yet
he took
on human
flesh
and he
drew
close.
He
didn't
exclude
us by
simply
from the
heights
of heaven
casting
us away
consigning
us to
eternal
judgment
for
rebellion
against
him.
He
took
on
human
flesh
and
embraced
us
ultimately
by dying
on the
cross
in our
place
for our
sin.
For
Jesus
to
embrace
hostile
humanity
required of
him the
greatest
sacrifice
of all.
He had
to experience
the rejection
of his
father.
He was
excluded
so that
we could
be brought
in.
And
sometimes
maybe too
often
spouses
experience
betrayal
rejection
and attacks
and the
easiest thing
to do
in that
moment
is to
withdraw
and leave.
And in
some instances
for your own
safety you
do need
to.
But the
place that
you cling
to in
every instance
where that
happens
is the
knowledge that
Jesus never
did.
And he
never will.
He embraced
us, he
loves us and
still does.
And what that
means is it
enables us to
embrace rather
than exclude
our spouse
with all the
mysterious and
often infuriating
differences there
are between us.
in the
gospel of
Jesus Christ
we have
profound
security that
frees us
from the
natural human
impulse
that seeks
to despise
anyone who
is different
to us,
to negate
it,
to demean
it,
to put it
down.
and that's
especially the
case our
spouse.
Marriage is
often painful
and it is
always complicated
but it helps
us grow and
mature in
ways that no
other experience
in this world
can produce.
It also brings
about deep
oneness and
self-knowledge
and change
because of
the profound
complementarity
there is
between the
sexes.
The tender
serving
authority of
a husband's
headship
and the
strong
gracious
gift of
a wife's
submission
restore us
to who
we're meant
to be
at the
very
creation.
And by
accepting
our gender
roles and
operating within
them we are
able to
demonstrate
to the
world,
to the
unbelieving
world,
concepts that
are so
counterintuitive
as to be
virtually
completely
unintelligible
!
Concepts of
God,
of his
nature,
of who he
is in the
gospel,
completely
unintelligible
unless they
are lived
out by men
and women
in Christian
marriage.