All right, good morning everyone.
Hope you had a good Thanksgiving.
And we are back to our class on gender and sexuality and dealing with a challenging topic
this morning.
So just to set the background, if you haven't been in this class, we have considered God's
design for our bodies and for us being male and female and for how we relate to each other
and for what God's design is for gender and sexuality in the context of the Christian story,
right?
That we're created by God, yet we're fallen and corrupted by sin and Christ has come to
redeem us.
And we live in between, so we live sort of in between three parts of the, well, in all
parts of the story, right, because we are made by God and that's still true that we're
made in his image.
And yet we are still, we still experience the effects of sin and the indwelling sin, even
as believers.
But Christ has forgiven us and set us free and begun to sanctify us, begun to make us more
like Christ, and yet we look forward to that hope of glory.
And so this whole class is how do we live, how do we face the challenging realities of
this complicated, confusing, sometimes dark world?
So we have considered homosexuality, we've considered transgender identity.
Today we will address pornography, and next week we will address sexual abuse and assault.
These are not easy topics to teach on.
This was not an easy lesson to prepare.
But I think it's important for the church to address for several reasons.
We, you know, I think the topics we've previously addressed, the church needs to speak to the
questions that we spoke to earlier in November about homosexuality and transgender identity,
or sort of rejecting one's God-given maleness or femaleness because, partly because, those sins
are increasingly celebrated in our society.
And even though they are rejecting God's good and beautiful design for us.
But pornography is a far more prevalent phenomenon.
The percentages are far larger.
And I think if the church only addresses things like homosexuality and transgender identity and
remain silent about pornography or about sexual abuse and assault, I think people could rightly
look at the church and say, aren't you being a little hypocritical here?
Because aren't there more of your members who are addicted to pornography or engaging in
pornography than engaging in the previous two topics?
So, but even more, even more than sort of avoiding the charge of hypocrisy, I think we need to
care for one another, right?
And we need to talk about hard topics that affect us.
Many believers are engaged in, tempted by, exploited by, or otherwise harmed by this sin.
But, I want, as we go through this lesson, I want to keep in mind what Paul says in Ephesians 5.
He says, take no part in the unfruitful works of darkness, but instead expose them.
And then, in the next verse, he says, for it is shameful even to speak of the things that
they do in secret.
So, Paul says two things.
We're to expose that is sort of clearly point out and frankly warn against the pervasiveness
of pornography and its harmful effects.
And at the same time, we want to avoid sort of speaking of the things that people do in
secret, right?
Giving unnecessary details that would stir up ungodly curiosity or ungodly imaginations or
shame.
So, before I go on, let me pray for us that the Lord would help us to do these things.
Father, we thank you for this morning and we thank you for how you speak to us in your
word and how you are frank and truthful and honest with us.
We thank you, Lord, for how your word calls a spade a spade and calls sin what it is.
And yet, we thank you for the hope that we have in Christ.
We thank you for the hope of forgiveness, the promise of forgiveness of our sins, the hope
of being released from the power of sin through the power of the Holy Spirit coming to dwell
in us.
We thank you, Lord, for the hope of healing from our brokenness that we look forward to
experiencing in full when we see you face to face, but that we can experience in part
now.
We pray that you'd help us as we look at this challenging topic.
Lord, we pray that you would help us to be edified and equipped by this lesson.
In Jesus' name we pray.
Amen.
Okay, so I want to look at this under a few headings.
First, what is pornography?
And where does the Bible speak to it, right?
The Bible obviously doesn't use the word pornography.
But first, what is it?
Second, a little bit about the history of it and sort of current pervasiveness of it.
Third, the effects of pornography.
And fourth, sort of more practically, what does mercy and hope and healing look like through
Christ for different groups of people who are affected by it in different ways.
So defining pornography, legal scholars have sort of debated this.
There was a famous Supreme Court ruling where the Supreme Court justice said, I don't really
have a definition for it, but I know it when I see it.
Okay, fair enough.
But I think there actually is a helpful definition from a Christian standpoint.
Right.
Pornography consists in removing real or simulated sexual acts from the intimacy of the partners
in order to display them deliberately to third parties.
And I think that definition is helpful because it reminds us of God's design for sexual intimacy,
that it be shared and delighted in by husband and wife within the safety and exclusivity of
the marriage covenant.
So if you look at Song of Songs, the imagery of Song of Songs confirms that in some of the
imagery that's used of the husband and wife's bodies, right?
They're represented as a locked garden, a walled city, or my own vineyard not to be shared with
others, right?
So those are some images that Song of Songs uses for sort of godly sexual intimacy between
husband and wife.
And it's sort of in this safe, secure, contained, covenantal relationship not to be put on display
before others.
So I think by removing sexual acts from their proper context and putting them on display
before the world, pornography inherently violates God's good design for marriage and sexuality.
So I think it's not only sort of the subjective effects of pornography that are problematic,
like pornography, you know, sometimes Christians start with pornography saying pornography stirs
up lust, that's why it's wrong.
True, that's very true.
But I think inherently in sort of taking sexual intimacy out of that safe and secure context
of a covenantal marriage, that's already violating God's good design.
Even regardless of the effects it has on other people, right?
And then those effects sort of carry that violation even further.
So it says it offends against chastity because it perverts the intimate giving of spouses
to each other.
It injures the dignity of its participants since each one becomes an object of base pleasure
and illicit profit for others.
It immerses all who are involved in the illusion of a fantasy world.
We'll look at more of that in some of the part three in the effects of pornography.
Now, let me take a moment to speak to the issue of masturbation because that normally goes
along with pornography.
Again, the practice of masturbation or self-simulation promotes an inherently self-centered approach
to sexual gratification, which again, what's God's design for sexual pleasure and sexual
union?
Well, it involves two people and involves a husband and wife who are biologically different
from one another, right?
And yet are being united together as a picture of the union of Christ and his people being
united together forever, right?
That's God's design.
But masturbation doesn't train or prepare anyone to exercise sexual self-control or to prioritize
love for one's spouse even above one's own desires.
It doesn't promote a vision of sexual gratification that involves another person and that involves
sort of loving and prioritizing and valuing another person who is different than yourself,
right?
So again, there's something where there's not one biblical verse that you can quote that
says, do not, thou shalt not masturbate.
But if you think about what is it, it is, again, sort of stepping outside of God's design
sort of by removing sexual intimacy from the relationship of a husband and wife whose bodies,
lives, and resources all belong to each other.
And it's sort of isolating it and putting it in this sort of secret and self-centered place.
So how does the New Testament speak to these things?
Well, the New Testament warns consistently, clearly, and strongly against stirring up lust
and engaging in impurity.
So we see that in Jesus' teaching in the Sermon on the Mount.
Everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.
Lustful intent is the ESV translation.
The idea there is that one could be tempted.
Temptation is not sin.
But lustful intent is sort of carrying, sort of, you know, staying there or taking that a step further, right?
It's sort of engaging in that lust instead of sort of resisting it and fixing our eyes on Christ.
Paul's teaching sexual immorality and all impurity or covetousness must not even be named among you.
Paul frequently lists impurity or sensuality along with sexual immorality in several places in his letters.
Sexual immorality primarily refers to sexual acts with another person.
But impurity and sensuality refer to a wider range of thoughts, attitudes, and behaviors
and would include engaging in pornography or masturbation.
So that's sort of the big picture of what it is and sort of how the Bible speaks to it generally.
Now, a little bit about the history and pervasiveness of current pervasiveness of pornography.
The English word pornography is derived from the Greek word pornea, which is translated sexual immorality.
That's the word Paul uses.
And graphe, which is to write down or to depict something.
And it's not an exclusively modern phenomenon.
Sexually explicit paintings, sculptures, and writings were produced in all kinds of ancient societies thousands of years ago.
So in ancient Rome, around the time the New Testament was written, when Paul was writing his letter to the Romans,
these sort of erotic depictions were prominently displayed in pagan temples on the streets.
They were literally like advertisements indicating the way to the prostitution district.
Sort of graphic billboards, as you might think.
In the public baths, often sort of as a form of comic entertainment.
And in homes, right?
Sometimes as a decoration or good luck charms.
You'd walk into somebody's house, and you might see this sort of pretty graphic picture, painting, or whatever.
So ours is not the first society where sexually explicit material seems to be almost everywhere.
The world of the New Testament, Rome, Corinth especially, Paul was writing to people in societies, in some ways like our own, right?
Who were sort of, it's all around you.
It's in the water.
I think the major difference today is the internet.
Before the internet, yes, magazines, but the internet has made pornography more easily, widely, and privately accessible than ever before.
And just some statistics here.
If you're not familiar with these statistics, they can be pretty staggering.
30% of data transferred on the internet is pornography.
Pornography sites get more visits each month than Amazon, Netflix, and Twitter combined.
Consumers spend $260 million each day on online pornography, even though there is so much that is available for free that you would think,
why would anyone pay for it?
But huge amounts of money.
Are spent.
And the amount of users is increasing from 2006 to 2016.
It went from about 58 million Americans visiting porn sites each month to 107 million.
And there's only 285 million Americans.
I put age 10 and above.
So that's a solid 40%.
Is that right?
Yes.
Women are increasingly consumers of pornography as well.
Approximately 80% of the consumers of Fifty Shades of Grey were women.
According to Covenant Eyes, 64% of Christian men and 15% of Christian women admit to watching pornography at least once a month.
Now, there are lots of surveys out there.
You'll find different statistics.
Some might be minimizing.
Some might be over-inflating.
I, I, I, I, I, I, the, the, anyway, this, this statistic is somewhere in the middle.
Um, the percentages tend to be higher with, among younger people.
Um, but it's pretty pervasive.
Um, so, uh, how do we interpret that?
Well, the Apostle Paul wrote in Romans 1, uh, I think a sobering passage that is relevant to this and, and, and other things.
So, he wrote, claiming to be wise, they became fools and exchanged the glory of the immortal God for images resembling mortal man and birds and animals and creeping things.
All right, now Paul's talking about ancient forms of idolatry, but does it not apply to images resembling mortal man?
And then, what does it say?
Um, therefore God gave them up in the lust of their hearts to impurity, to the dishonoring of their bodies among themselves,
because they exchanged the truth about God for a lie and worshipped and served the creature rather than the creator.
So, Romans 1 would indicate that the increasing pervasiveness of pornography, as well as all the other sexual sins that we've discussed in this class,
is a sobering sign of God's wrath against our society.
That is God giving us over to our own corrupt inclinations and their destructive consequences,
because we've chosen to worship ourselves and other created things.
That's a sobering reality if we take that seriously.
I don't think we take that seriously enough.
The effects of pornography.
I want to talk, sort of, how does pornography sort of affect our relationships in particular?
Um, uh, the effects of pornography are increasingly recognized even by people outside the church.
Um, this section I've taken from an article by a Christian counselor, uh, and he, that I thought was quite insightful.
He describes six relational attitudes that pornography commonly fosters, especially in habitual users.
And each of these qualities is also confirmed by scientific studies.
Uh, many of these, uh, there's a, there's, um, uh, a website called Fight the New Drug, uh, which basically talks about, um,
and the new drug is pornography, um, that's talking about.
Um, and it has a lot of, sort of, scientific and research-based information about, um, the effects of pornography.
And so, uh, here are six, um, uh, sort of attitudes that pornography fosters, uh, according, uh, both according to this Christian counselor
and according to, uh, some of these scientific studies.
Uh, first, um, a, a desire to control, right?
Again, uh, pornography does not foster, uh, sort of an actual relationship with another person who will talk back to you,
um, uh, uh, or, or sort of have a, have a back-and-forth conversation.
Pornography is a non-mutual relationship alone with imagery.
There's no one else to satisfy, no one else to consider.
You get to control the entire scene.
And this fosters or creates an innate selfishness and an unconscious desire for absolute control over intimate relationship.
Uh, a scientific study found that pornography use correlated with narcissism, right?
Uh, narcissism or sort of, uh, uh, extreme self-centeredness.
Um, uh, second, um, objectification.
Um, you know, this is something that's been discussed, uh, that many people discuss, uh, uh, pornography objectifies women in particular.
Um, but, uh, right, the, the, the pattern of sort of, uh, well, I'll just read the quote.
The addict over the years is looking at thousands upon thousands of images.
The unknown bodies have no names or stories and have become means to an end.
After they no longer serve a purpose, they are cheaply discarded.
This causes people to chronically jump from relationship to relationship, just like clicking from image to image,
looking for perfection and completion in a person.
Um, and, uh, in some surveys, uh, many, many people sort of begin with, um, what are seen as sort of, uh, soft core images or less, or maybe less, less, uh, uh, well, it's people go from, um, uh, maybe more normal.
All kinds of images that people might think and then go to increasingly violent or increasingly deviant, um, forms of pornography.
Uh, it's sort of, it's a, it's a hunger that's not satisfied.
Um, uh, so that's, that's, that's a common pattern.
Uh, third, uh, third thing, um, that pornography use fosters is sort of a, a, uh, speed or, or very rapid, uh, pace.
Um, the rapid pace of relationships comes to resemble the quick climax of intensity around pornography.
Uh, the, not, the thrill of not getting exposed, uh, an urgency for consummation, ultimately an abrupt and inevitable ending normally with shame attached.
And so, um, again, there's studies that say people who have consumed a significant amount of pornography are more likely to start having sex sooner with more partners to engage in riskier kinds of sex that put them at greater risk of getting infections and to have actually contracted a sexually transmitted infection.
Fourth quality, hunger.
Um, this is sort of, uh, uh, sort of a frantic need that must be filled by the other.
Um, and, uh, this category shows itself in codependent relationships where both parties become enmeshed.
Uh, the hunger drives them to consume rather than delight in the other.
Um, and, and again, often sort of relationships that, that are very emotionally intense and sort of highly, um, uh, uh, physically and emotionally intimate from the beginning don't last very long.
Right?
And so it sort of leads to these, these patterns, um, and, uh, pornography sort of, uh, fosters, um, sort of pushes us in that direction.
Um, one of the, uh, studies, so there was a meta-analysis of 22 studies from seven different countries that concluded that pornography use was associated with verbal and physical sexual aggression, uh, in the United States.
In the United States and internationally among males and females and in cross-sectional and basically across the board.
Um, uh, uh, that, uh, uh, pornography sort of fosters, um, verbal or physical, uh, aggression, um, and violence.
Fifth, isolation.
Um, we learn our sexuality behind closed doors and in the dim light of the computer screen our sexuality remains hidden even from ourselves.
We come to protect this isolation as some type of sacred space and even the thought of inviting another human in feels threatening and disruptive.
The isolation fuels the secret life and separates us from the loving relationships that we most need.
And so interestingly, though, um, some studies indicate that pornography use fosters sort of early, you know, earlier, more intense, um, and more, you know, more kinds of sexual relationships.
In other cases, people find that they lack sexual desire for any other human being at all.
Um, and aren't even attracted to their husband, wife, or partner, uh, anymore.
Um, though they can still respond to porn.
Um, uh, again, it sort of twists, twists us in all these kinds of ways.
Uh, last, fantasy.
Right?
Fantasy is an escape from what is real.
Whether it be difficult emotions such as stress, anxiety, or depression, or just the pain that genuine relationship inevitably brings, fantasy relieves those struggles for a moment.
While healthy relationships live in the truth, pornography helps bolster a life of fantasy that is difficult to undo.
Fantasy brings relief, but does not bring restoration.
Uh, and there's research on the brain.
Uh, pornography stimulates the same areas of the brain as addictive drugs, making the brain release the same chemicals.
And just like drugs, porn triggers pathways in the brain that cause craving, leading users back for more and more extreme hits to get highs.
These are only some of the, sort of, I focus on some of the effects of pornography on relationships.
Um, there are many other effects.
Uh, pornography use has contributed to many marital crises.
It's a factor in the majority of divorces in the United States today.
Uh, the industry also exploits children and women, subjecting them to violence, harassment, degradation, and sexually transmitted infections.
Um, which are much higher among, uh, rates of which are much higher among, uh, pornographic actors.
So, um, this is heavy stuff.
But, what does, how does Christ offer us mercy, healing, and hope?
Let me, uh, speak to sort of three broad categories of people.
Um, and there are many, uh, subcategories here.
But, broadly, if you are tempted by, or engaged in, or addicted to pornography,
let me challenge you, uh, with some encouragements and next steps.
First, don't try to fight this battle on your own.
Get help from brothers or sisters in Christ.
Um, you are certainly not alone.
And, uh, don't, don't, don't, you know, in general, whenever we're fighting, you know, significant spiritual battles,
uh, you know, Paul uses the image of the armor of God, right?
Clothe yourself with the armor of God, right?
A seal of faith, belt of truth, breastplate of righteousness.
And we think of the, you know, okay, I need to put on the armor of God today and sort of go into the spiritual battle.
But what was Paul's image?
Paul's image was the Roman army.
And you know how they marched into battle?
Side by side with their shields right next to each other.
And they would be a wall.
And they'd have their shields in front.
And then the guys in back would have their shields on top.
So they'd have a wall and a ceiling protecting them all.
And they'd be marching into battle side by side.
That's what Paul's talking about when he talks about put on the full armor of God.
He doesn't just, he doesn't only mean pray every morning and when, before you begin your day.
But he means be walking side by side with your fellow believers to fight whatever spiritual battles you're fighting.
So practically put filtering or accountability software on your computer or on smartphone if you haven't done that already.
None of those are foolproof.
But they can be helpful because it's one more thing that will sort of maybe hinder you from running down the road and going down a bad way.
Right?
Get accountability from people who will both encourage and challenge you.
And this is a challenge.
I would want to challenge you.
Beware of getting accountability only from people who struggle and fall just like you do.
Sometimes, especially young guys who are struggling with pornography,
share their struggle with another young guy who's also struggling with pornography
and not struggling so much as failing.
And so you have someone who understands you and maybe who's going to be compassionate.
But sometimes, you've actually got somebody who is too compassionate.
And they're not going to kick your butt enough.
And sometimes, you need to go to somebody who's maybe older than you or who maybe doesn't struggle with it,
but who's a mature and wise Christian and who's going to be like,
status quo ain't going to be good for the long run.
We've got to make a dent in this.
Right?
We've got to figure out what we need to do by the power of Christ.
Right?
The best kind of accountability embodies the steadfast love of God the Father,
the unwavering call to holiness in Christ,
and the power of the indwelling Holy Spirit to lead us along that road.
Because this sin is so pervasive, it should not be an off-limits topic in the Christian community generally.
Partly why I'm teaching this session.
Because we need to put the issue on the table
and not have it be a topic that's like, oh, well, hush, hush.
Okay, if you struggle with it, then you can tell me, but I'm not going to ever ask you.
If you have a close Christian friendship with another person of the same sex,
you know, it's not an unreasonable question to ask.
How are you doing in, you know, sexual purity?
Or, you know, whether you're single, whether you're married.
We should be asking each other about sexual integrity in general and pornography in particular.
You know, again, not sort of exclusively focusing on this issue.
I mean, to, and ignoring other issues.
We can also ask each other, how are you, you know,
how are you seeking to, you know, use your money and resources to glorify God, right?
That's another topic we don't like to talk about.
We don't like to talk about money either, right?
But Paul warns, again, sexual immorality and greed.
And he says they're idolatrous, right?
So, again, how do we encourage one another and help each other?
For some people, this has become not just a sort of a struggle and a temptation that is occasionally fallen into,
but more an addiction.
And there are various resources.
There are sex addiction recovery groups.
There are Christian support groups in the local area.
There are specialized Christian counseling resources.
If you are not sure what would, what, if you're not sure what you need,
and if you've tried sort of accountability with just brothers and sisters in Christ,
and that is not, and you're like, man, I need more than this.
I need help.
Like, I think this is just, it's deep and it's bigger than I can handle.
Come talk to one of the pastors.
And we can, you know, connect you with somebody or sort of help you figure out maybe what a next step might be for you.
Make it your primary goal to pursue Christ rather than making your primary goal to resist porn.
The first includes the second.
The second doesn't necessarily include the first.
But Christ is infinitely more satisfying than porn,
and his grace is sufficient for each day and for every trial we face.
You need to not just ask yourself, what do I need to resist?
But you also need to ask yourself, what do I need to embrace?
Right?
What do I need to pursue positively?
Whether that's, you know, growing in your prayer life and in your time in the Word,
whether that's pursuing Christian friendship,
whether that's moving out of your studio apartment and looking for a group of other Christians
who you can live in an apartment with.
That can be a very practical thing.
Whatever, you know, make it your primary goal to pursue Christ
and look at his greatness.
I think, right, so we shouldn't be looking at our,
we shouldn't spend more time gazing at our sin
than we're spending gazing upon the face of Christ.
Right?
And when we look at our sin, and yes, we need to look at our sin
and see it for all its ugliness,
and that's what we've done partly in the first part of this lesson,
but we need to look at the glory of Christ
because he is matchless and he is majestic and he's awesome
and he's far more captivating.
So how can you actively be fixing your eyes on Christ?
Next, just practical things.
Be truthful with your spouse or your girlfriend or boyfriend if you're dating
about your sin and or struggle in this area.
It may be painful and terrifying to willingly bring this into the light now,
but it will be worse if you wait until later or if it comes to light unintentionally.
Also, marriage does not automatically fix a single person's pornography habit.
Okay?
That is sometimes a reason people say,
well, I'm not going to tell my girlfriend
because when we get married, this will be fixed.
Bad thinking.
Right?
There are many seasons of marriage that call for sexual self-control
and sexual satisfaction within marriage,
again, only happens in the context of intentionally, comprehensively,
and self-sacrificially loving another person,
which is exactly the opposite of what pornography and masturbation are training you to do.
So, bring it into the light now,
and in the context of doing these other things,
to seek the help of Christ.
Don't, along that line,
don't make your spouse or your boyfriend or girlfriend
the only person who knows about it.
That is putting way too much of a burden on them.
They are not, they should not be your only accountability partner.
That's foolish.
And unloving.
You need to seek some other accountability
with other Christians of the same sex
that will help you and be a blessing
to your wife or husband or boyfriend or girlfriend.
A deeper thing.
These are lots of things.
You may not be able to do these all at once.
Start with some of them,
but I'm trying to give you a lot of things
that maybe you haven't thought of.
Because some of you have probably tried some of these things,
but I want to challenge you to,
that there are other things,
and sometimes people are like,
I've tried everything I can do,
and it isn't working,
and I'm stuck.
And I think sometimes,
okay, you've tried everything you can see,
but there's probably some deeper things
and broader things.
Hopefully this might give you some ideas.
All right.
Examine the underlying motives
and broader life patterns
that drive you toward pornography
rather than focusing only on behavior modification.
So this is a longer, deeper thing.
But this is often a longer process
because we don't always know why we do what we do.
Right?
I don't even know what I'm feeling
at most moments in my life
because I'm a guy.
Okay?
My wife always knows what she's feeling
at every moment of the day.
She said,
it's just like having a physical body.
Of course I know what I'm feeling.
It's like I know that,
and she might know what I'm feeling.
Exactly right.
So she's very helpful to me.
But I need to be intentional about saying,
why am I feeling frustrated or angry or tired?
Do I just need to sleep?
Or is something really bothering me
that I haven't brought to the surface
and I need to deal with that?
But examining our underlying motives,
what drives me towards this?
So one way to begin this process
would be consider those six qualities
in the article.
Do any of those ring a bell?
Right?
Sorry for control.
Objectifying others.
Sort of impatience.
Wanting everything to go very fast
and quickly
and not liking any uncertainty
or slowness.
Sort of a frantic need
for another person
or isolation
or fantasizing.
Right?
Now, some of those might
ring more true
in one person's life
than another.
Right?
I'm not saying everybody's experiencing
all six.
But then,
say, okay,
one or two of those
really seem to hit home for me.
What's going on there?
Like,
I'm fantasizing a lot.
How can I be turning to Christ
when I'm tempted to fantasize?
Or,
how can I be engaging
in Christian community
when I'm tempted to isolate?
You know,
Psalm 103.6 says,
God satisfies our desires
with good things.
So,
what are the good things
that God has provided
for our legitimate desires
to either be satisfied
or just to be
put on the altar
before the Lord?
And to say,
God,
I have some unfulfilled desires
and
there isn't any
righteous way for me
to have those
met right now.
But,
I want to lay them
before you
and offer them to you
as a sacrifice
and look at the sacrifice
that you made for me
on the cross
and be empowered by that
and
draw near to you
in
my suffering
and in my longing.
His article also lists
sort of corresponding virtues
instead of control,
freedom,
instead of objectification,
honor,
instead of
speed,
patience,
instead of hunger,
desire,
instead of
isolation,
communion,
instead of
fantasizing authenticity.
So,
I think that's
helpful food for thought.
Or,
another
way to begin this process,
so,
in Tim Chester's book,
he talks about
the most common reasons
why people
watch pornography.
And I won't be able
to remember them
off the top of my head,
but their
boredom,
frustration,
depression,
anxiety,
you know,
there's various reasons.
And sort of asking,
like,
what is it for me
that sort of
drives me there?
For some people,
it's being angry,
you know,
for,
there was
one example
where,
for one guy,
it was like,
he was angry at God
because he was 30-something
and he wasn't married.
And he really wanted
to be married
and he felt like
God had done him wrong
by not giving him a spouse.
And so,
when he really started
dwelling on that,
that's what brought him
over there.
And so,
he didn't just need
to focus on controlling
his lust,
he needed to deal with
why am I,
why do I feel like
I'm entitled to something
that God hasn't given me?
And how do I need
to change my thinking
and reject that lie
and embrace the truth
that,
first of all,
God doesn't owe me anything
and,
second of all,
you know,
in Christ he's given me
all that I need.
Anyway,
so,
sometimes there's
deeper things going on.
These are good conversation
topics to pursue
with someone
who knows you well
or a wise older Christian.
Also,
pray for real people.
Here's something practical
to do
that is not about yourself.
Pray for real people
who are directly harmed
in the production
of pornography.
Children whose bodies
are exploited,
women who are pressured
into violent
and degrading acts
or who have come
to believe
that such acts
are just fine,
normal and healthy.
Producers and advertisers
whose livelihoods
are enmeshed
in wickedness.
Learn about the connection
of the pornography industry
to global sex trafficking.
There is a connection.
Consider how you can help
people who are seeking
to recover
from the damage
that has been inflicted
on them.
If you make a habit
of praying
for people every day,
that might also
have a beneficial effect
when you're tempted
to sort of
be part of
an exploitative industry.
Right?
That's another angle.
There's books we can read.
All right.
Let me speak briefly
to those who have been
hurt by your spouse's
pornography use.
And let me begin
by saying the last thing
in this list is
the pastors and elders
recognize that these
situations are often
complex and a general
statement of this kind
cannot address
every specific circumstance.
However,
we are always available
for counsel and prayer.
Just a few things.
You have been deeply
hurt and wronged.
You may feel betrayed,
deceived,
or even traumatized.
You may experience
emotional,
physical,
and or psychological
effects.
All of those things
are normal.
Anger at your spouse
is natural.
It is often warranted,
and it may persist
for quite some time.
A wise mentor
or trustworthy counselor
can help you process
strong emotions
and pursue a path
of wisdom
and resist temptations
to either trivialize
the problem
or to harbor
a bitter and vengeful
spirit.
Christ can heal
your wounds.
He knows the feeling
of betrayal,
but healing
often takes time,
particularly where
it's gone on
for a long time
and it's involved
deception.
Healing often takes
years rather than
months or days.
God wants to heal
your marriage,
however your spouse
may or may not
want to seek help.
The encouragement
and trusting hope
of a spouse
can be a great
source of strength
for one who is
struggling to be pure.
If your spouse
is in denial
or rejects help,
the church is here
for you and there
are also support
groups and counselors
for spouses
of addicted persons.
Finally,
for parents of
children and youth,
if you don't teach
your kids about porn,
the porn producers
will teach your kids
about porn for you.
According to a study
published in 2017
by the American
Psychological Association,
the average age of boys
first exposure
to pornography
was 13.
Other studies
have concluded
the average age
is as low as 11.
And that means
that half of children
are exposed,
or a large number
of children
are exposed
even younger
than the average.
60% of the young men
in the APA study
said that their
first exposure
was accidental
or forced.
Only 33% said
that they were
intentionally seeking
it out.
So just because
your child
is not seeking it out
does not mean
that they are not
vulnerable to it.
And I think
this applies
to every topic
we have discussed.
If you don't
discuss it
with your children,
then the world
will find plenty
of ways
to carry on
that conversation
with your children
independently.
And that's not,
let's not do that.
Some resources,
be careful
if you go online
and search for
resources about pornography.
pornography.
The pornography
companies are shrewd
and they notice.
And they like
to strategically
place ads
and draw people in.
So just beware of that.
There are some
resources I've listed here
which I want to
open it up for questions.
I'm not going to
read through these
but there's
several resources
for sort of
generally for men,
for women,
for spouses,
some science-based
resources,
some Christian-based
resources.
The book at the end
is a good way
to introduce
these topics
to your children.
Good pictures,
bad pictures.
There's some other books.
There's some books
on the book,
Saul,
that are children's books
that sort of
introduce God's design
for our bodies
in very positive ways
but also talk about
sort of protecting
our bodies
and minds.
So you can look
through those
and those can be
helpful ways
to introduce
the topic
to young children
without getting
unnecessarily graphic
or sort of
giving inappropriate
and unhelpful
level of detail.
All right.
Let me open it up
for questions
or comments.
Yes.
I was wondering
if you were looking
at me or behind me.
So this is 64%
admit, right?
So that means
the number's much higher
because most people,
you would think
most people don't
want to admit
to this problem, right?
Yeah,
so the survey numbers
are hard.
I mean,
now that survey
is conducted
by Covenant Eyes
which is one of the
companies that offers
accountability software
so you might also say,
well,
they probably have
more people in their orbit
who are actively,
you know,
dealing with pornography.
But the statistic is
admit to watching it
once a month,
at least once a month.
So if it's less
than once a month,
then you're not counted
in that list, right?
So the number of men
who have watched pornography
at one time or another
is above 90%.
It's not 100%,
but it is very high.
So,
what are we doing?
What are we doing?
Like,
what are we teaching
parents of young boys?
What are we,
like as a church,
as a body of Christ,
what are we doing
for discipleship?
This is something
that we've been talking
about a lot at home.
Like,
when a child
is baptized,
where's their mentor?
Who's assigned
to that child?
What are we doing
collectively
as a church
in America?
I mean,
I know it's
an international problem,
but what are we doing
to prevent that number?
That's a horrible number.
Yeah.
And for a young,
single woman
to know that basically
any of my options
of dating someone
is someone
who has a problem
with this,
you know?
Like,
that's a scary thought
for myself.
So what can we do
as women,
what can we do
as a body of Christ
to knock that number
out of the park?
Yeah.
Well,
that's a good question.
And,
yeah,
that's a good question.
That's why we're
having this class.
Matt.
I think
this course
has been
absolutely tremendous.
The biggest criticism
I would have
so far
is that
under parents
you have so little.
And
I think
this is a huge issue
that
we need to
work through together
because there,
we may not have
a,
maybe there weren't
a lot of things
online,
you know,
or in books
for you to get
on this
because we haven't
wrestled with it too.
Yes.
Yeah.
So I,
a couple weeks ago
I addressed sort of
parents,
the importance of parents
teaching children
about sexuality
and gender
more broadly.
So I gave
some more detail
in that lesson.
I think
I would
also,
I mean,
I think that,
again,
this class is meant
to open,
this class is meant
to be the beginning
of conversations.
It is not meant
to be the last word
on everything.
So
take the opportunity
to
discuss that.
Again,
we've tried to put
some resources
on the book stall.
I should check
if good pictures,
bad pictures
is over there.
I'm not 100% sure
but we can get it
if we
need to.
Yeah.
I mean,
having,
having grandchildren
now and how
they raised our kids,
we didn't do it
perfectly and we were
probably seen as
very strict parents.
There were no
computers allowed
in their room.
There were no TVs
allowed in their room.
I mean,
yes,
we didn't deal
with the smartphone
issue but even
our kids weren't
allowed smartphones
until they were
in college.
So,
you know,
I mean,
we were very
strict and
what we watched.
We were very
vigilant on what
movies we allowed.
We did not
allow our kids
to go to our
rated movies.
We,
we didn't.
There's a whole
tip now of,
I mean,
you used to see
if a video store
opened up,
an adult video
or an adult toy
store,
there would be
protests outside
of it from a local
church or it was
too close to a school.
You don't see that
on the news anymore.
So,
but,
it's also correlated
with families
not going to
church anymore.
Families not
professing to be
Christians,
not even trying.
And,
well,
it's okay,
we'll handle it,
we'll talk about it
when it comes up.
So,
I mean,
even as much as
we do need to
parent as a church
and teach parents
how to deal with
this,
but we also need
to get people
back to Christ.
Yeah,
yeah.
Because if they
don't have it,
they don't see a
problem.
Yeah.
And even your
statistic in there
on Fifty Shades
of Grey
is a perfect
example of
women,
especially,
who have just
decided it's
okay,
it's not
harmful.
And the society
has embraced
that.
And I don't
know how many
of my secular
friends ask me,
so what do you
think of the book?
Because I read
like a book a week.
I'm an avid reader.
I'm like,
I refuse to read it.
Mm-hmm,
yep.
It's real life.
It's destructive.
It destroys people.
And they're like,
oh,
it's only a story.
And that's really
the base problem.
So I'll continue
to be a strict
parent and a
grandparent.
Yeah.
Because if I can
save my child
or my grandchild
from being harmed
like that,
I'll do what I
can.
Yeah.
I think,
yeah,
yeah.
No,
I think,
I mean,
I think there's
a broader issue
as parents
with how do
we sort of
govern our
children's access
technology,
right?
Like,
you know,
and,
I mean,
have,
you know,
do you,
have you,
you,
and there are
technologies out
there that you
can limit on a
phone or a
tablet,
like you,
you can limit
it to access
to certain
things.
I mean,
we don't,
you know,
we don't let
our,
you know,
if our kids
are watching
a movie,
it's in the
living room
or it's in,
you know,
we don't send
our kids up
to their room
with,
you know,
with,
with a phone
to play a
game,
right?
Like,
that's,
we don't offer
that that much
anyway.
But I think,
and I think
along with those,
I think along
with setting
wise boundaries,
it's also
sort of teaching,
I think we have
to start by
teaching our
kids what was
God's good
design in
making us male
and female,
in giving us
bodies,
and in
putting us
in this
world,
right?
Because just
setting boundaries
and trying to
say,
well,
I hope I
can protect
them from
encountering
this junk
out in the
world,
we have to
equip,
eventually children
are going to
grow up and
leave the house
and figure out
how they're going
to live their
lives.
So I think
we have to
begin by talking
about what is
God's good
design here?
What is beautiful
about God's
design?
Because when we
see what's
beautiful about
God's design,
then you see
how twisted
that the
world is.
And the
other things
don't become
quite so
attractive.
And also,
you know,
it's like,
you know,
when kids at
school start
talking about
these things,
oh,
well,
okay,
I know what
they're talking
about because
my dad
already talked
to me about
that,
right?
That's what I
want my kids
to,
you know,
that's,
we've already,
you know,
we've talked
to our kids
about all
these things.
So,
Laura?
Yeah,
this is something
that I think,
I think the
strict things
are great,
I mean,
our kids are
still very
young,
but just
from working
before with
kids and
you've like,
a mom,
you know,
like somebody
showed them
their kids
something,
you know,
like another
kid showed
them,
and someone
else saw
someone at
someone's
home by
accident.
Kids are
also going
to see it
no matter,
hopefully not,
but it's
very easy to
be seen no
matter how
strict we can
be.
So those
conversations
that if,
when,
or if this
happens,
like,
what to do
with that?
Right,
right.
If you see,
if you,
if,
you know,
if someone
shows you
something like
this,
come and talk
to,
you know,
mom or dad,
right?
Like,
that's important
to sort of
cultivate an
open channel
of communication
with all kinds
of things,
you know?
Not only,
you know,
not only
inappropriate
images,
but,
you know,
we want
our kids to,
we don't
cultivate our
kids talking
with us about
whatever they
may encounter
in the world
and,
and for us
to help them
grow in wisdom
and to protect
them from,
you know,
foolish,
and to not
foolishly expose
them unnecessarily
to things,
right?
So,
yeah.
Ivor.
When I was
working at
AT&T,
we had at
least five
guys who got
fired over
surfing,
at work.
Yeah.
And that's
usually when
people get
caught doing
something,
either at
work or
by their
spouses or
children in
some cases.
Yeah.
When they
seek help,
don't wait
for that.
Right.
Seek help.
Right.
Again,
it's that
pattern of
it's probably
didn't start
on the office
computer,
but it's,
it just
grows,
right?
So,
yeah.
be killing
sin or
it will
be killing
you,
right?
John Owen
said that
300 years
ago.
So,
you know,
we're,
yeah,
right?
We're either
sort of
actively fighting
against it
or it will
gradually tend
to balloon,
right?
Because it's
not something
that is,
that sort of
gets satisfied.
what's your
definition of
pornography
at the
beginning of
removing sexual
acts from the
intimacy of
partners for
the,
being played
for other
people?
How would
you distinguish
pornography from
like Song of
Solomon where we
see sexuality
being portrayed
artistically?
Yeah,
yeah.
I mean,
I think when you
read Song of
Solomon,
there's,
there's a lot
of imagery
and,
how would I
describe that?
So,
it celebrates
God's good
and beautiful
design,
right?
So,
we're not
saying that
your body's
dirty and
you need to
hide it and
not talk about
it and
I guess when
you get married
then you can
figure out what
to do with it.
That's not,
that's not,
that's not good.
That's not,
that's not God's,
that's not God's
good and beautiful
design,
right?
So,
Song of Solomon
sort of talks
about love
and,
and a sexually
intimate relationship
but it,
it's also not
voyeuristic,
right?
It's not something
that is sort of
inciting lust,
you know,
it's,
it's not
stirring up
sort of an
ungodly
kind of
curiosity
or shame.
I mean,
the most
difficult thing
about Song
of Solomon
for most
of us
is like
all the
imagery
is from
the ancient
world
and we
can't figure
out what
to do
with it,
right?
So,
part of it
we have to
figure out
like,
you know,
okay,
what does
this actually
mean?
but,
but I think
broadly speaking
I think
Song of Solomon
affirms that
there's a
right place
to celebrate,
you know,
and even in
that case
sort of
depict in
poetry,
right,
the love
and intimacy
between a
male and
female,
but it's
not,
it's not
in a way
that sort
of promotes
like impurity
or sensuality
and in fact
at the end
of the Song
of Solomon
it's like,
I mean,
throughout the
Song of Solomon
it's like,
don't awaken
love until
it so desires,
right?
You know,
at chapter 8
it's all about
be a wall,
right?
Don't be a
door opening
and,
you know,
like to open
to everybody.
No,
be a wall
like until
you get
married,
right?
So,
even the end
of Song of Solomon
sort of gives
that warning
against,
you know,
and it sort
of compares
itself to,
you know,
Solomon has
all his wives
and concubines
but I have
my one,
right?
My one is
better than
all of those,
right?
So,
it's promoting
sort of godly
ideals,
right?
Monogamy,
marriage,
sort of tender
intimacy between
husband and
wife.
So,
I don't think
that's the right
place to start
with teaching
children.
I think
that's not,
you know,
there was
probably some
wisdom in the
Jewish rabbinical
tradition that
said,
you know,
don't read
Song of Songs
until you're
an adult.
I don't know,
I wouldn't,
I'm not gonna,
that's not a law,
but there's
probably some
wisdom in there,
but I think it
can teach us,
sort of,
I think it can
give us a
positive example
of that.
So,
all right,
let me close
the prayer
when we need
to head
upstairs.
Thank you,
Lord,
for this
morning,
and we
pray that
you would
help us
as a church,
help us
to,
in teaching
our children,
help us
in strengthening
one another
to pursue
a life of
holiness in
this area
that gives
honor and
praise to
you.
We thank
you for
the redemptive
work of
Jesus Christ,
and we pray
that you would
continue that
work in our
lives and in
our marriages
and in our
relationships with
one another
in the church.
In Jesus'
name,
amen.