WEBVTT 00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:02.540 Well, good morning. 00:00:05.000 --> 00:00:07.719 I didn't realize this until this week. 00:00:08.259 --> 00:00:12.160 My oldest daughter, who is 37 years old, 00:00:12.859 --> 00:00:13.880 you say, why are you telling that? 00:00:13.939 --> 00:00:15.580 Because I'm going to tell you a story about it. 00:00:16.800 --> 00:00:19.539 She said, are you preaching at Pick and Sunday? 00:00:19.620 --> 00:00:20.179 I said, yes. 00:00:20.240 --> 00:00:23.900 She said, are you going to preach a sanctity of life message? 00:00:24.879 --> 00:00:27.500 And I had already prepared a message. 00:00:28.420 --> 00:00:29.920 I said, I'll take care of it. 00:00:29.920 --> 00:00:31.120 So I'll mention it. 00:00:31.180 --> 00:00:33.679 Today is Sanctity of Human Life Sunday. 00:00:35.200 --> 00:00:42.800 And we should care about life. 00:00:43.460 --> 00:00:46.120 We should not just be against abortion. 00:00:46.820 --> 00:00:49.140 We should be for adoption. 00:00:49.840 --> 00:00:51.060 And we should practice it. 00:00:53.120 --> 00:00:56.320 My oldest daughter that I mentioned is 37 years old. 00:00:56.320 --> 00:01:05.280 Over five years ago, she finally came to a conclusion after going through surgeries and different drugs and all kinds of specialists. 00:01:05.760 --> 00:01:10.340 And the doctors told her that most likely she would never be able to have children. 00:01:10.340 --> 00:01:13.340 So she and her husband started the adoption process. 00:01:13.340 --> 00:01:18.100 And usually they had been told it could take up to two years. 00:01:19.159 --> 00:01:27.359 Well, within a matter of nine weeks, they had adopted a little boy and brought him home from the hospital. 00:01:27.359 --> 00:01:32.299 Now, people ask her, she started getting phone calls from all over the place. 00:01:32.379 --> 00:01:33.439 And how did you do that? 00:01:33.920 --> 00:01:38.760 And she said, the only thing I can tell you is just God answered our prayers. 00:01:38.760 --> 00:01:43.380 And that little boy is a little over five years old now. 00:01:44.120 --> 00:01:47.280 His dad is left-handed. 00:01:47.540 --> 00:01:48.160 And guess what? 00:01:48.280 --> 00:01:49.140 He's left-handed. 00:01:50.040 --> 00:01:52.920 And he looks like his papa. 00:01:55.360 --> 00:02:01.560 And he is as much a part of our family in any way, in any depth. 00:02:02.140 --> 00:02:03.520 He's one of us. 00:02:03.600 --> 00:02:04.260 He's with us. 00:02:04.620 --> 00:02:05.219 He's ours. 00:02:05.219 --> 00:02:05.379 He's ours. 00:02:06.340 --> 00:02:12.199 But a few weeks ago, she sent us a text. 00:02:12.300 --> 00:02:17.000 It had a picture in it with one of those sticks that women use to tell if they're pregnant. 00:02:17.319 --> 00:02:19.259 And it was showing positive. 00:02:20.620 --> 00:02:25.240 And then at Christmas, they gave us, as we were opening our gifts, 00:02:25.340 --> 00:02:28.079 we opened one package and it was a frame. 00:02:28.479 --> 00:02:30.379 And it says, we're having a boy. 00:02:30.379 --> 00:02:39.460 And not only that, but the doctors told her that everything so far in the development of this child is perfect. 00:02:39.939 --> 00:02:43.819 And he doesn't consider this an at-risk pregnancy at all. 00:02:43.819 --> 00:02:53.780 When she went to the doctor and he was examining her, he said, now you've had this and this and you've had this surgery and this surgery and you've been on these drugs. 00:02:54.219 --> 00:02:55.219 He said, and you're pregnant. 00:02:55.859 --> 00:02:58.000 And then the doctor said, wow. 00:02:58.000 --> 00:03:06.300 And my daughter said, well, I want you to know that there's some women in my church that have been praying for me to get pregnant. 00:03:06.979 --> 00:03:11.379 And his nurse said, oh my goodness, that makes the hair stand up on my neck. 00:03:12.099 --> 00:03:16.520 But we think our first grandson in that family was a miracle. 00:03:17.039 --> 00:03:20.979 And we're sure that the second grandson is a miracle too. 00:03:21.879 --> 00:03:26.039 So, sanctity of human life is about respecting life. 00:03:26.039 --> 00:03:33.659 It's about opposing things that would destroy life, but promoting things that bring about a better life. 00:03:34.579 --> 00:03:38.079 Well, this morning I want to talk to you about marriage. 00:03:39.560 --> 00:03:47.959 Now, I know some of you have been through, I don't know, I've done three seminars and then I've done retreats twice. 00:03:48.319 --> 00:03:50.780 So, probably everybody here has heard this. 00:03:52.379 --> 00:03:54.359 Let's just be dismissed and go home. 00:03:56.039 --> 00:04:08.539 I know you're going to want to pray for Fred as he recovers and hope that that procedure, as far as the recovery goes, will be quick and he'll be on schedule for Wednesday night. 00:04:08.959 --> 00:04:10.459 We have been away a lot. 00:04:11.239 --> 00:04:15.719 I did tell Fred before we joined, we would be the sorriest members that you have. 00:04:16.399 --> 00:04:18.019 And we've pretty much lived up to it. 00:04:18.019 --> 00:04:26.839 We went to one interim and then two weeks later we went to another one and then we stopped that at the end of the year. 00:04:27.299 --> 00:04:30.219 And then I started a Bible conference on Sunday night in Inman. 00:04:30.799 --> 00:04:32.560 And we finished that tonight. 00:04:32.699 --> 00:04:39.339 And then next Sunday we go to Union Baptist Church in Iva for no more than three months. 00:04:39.339 --> 00:04:49.839 And then, to highlight it all, on the first Sunday in April, we'll be going to preach at the First Baptist Church of Lowndesville. 00:04:52.979 --> 00:04:54.500 Do you know where Lowndesville is? 00:04:54.500 --> 00:05:01.339 A man came to the convention and came up to our booth and said, would you preach for me sometime? 00:05:01.459 --> 00:05:02.360 I said, I'd be delighted. 00:05:03.899 --> 00:05:06.480 And he said, well now we just got a little old church. 00:05:07.319 --> 00:05:08.860 And I said, you do not. 00:05:09.000 --> 00:05:09.759 He said, what do you mean? 00:05:09.800 --> 00:05:12.019 I said, you got the biggest church in Lowndesville. 00:05:13.199 --> 00:05:14.120 He said, that's right. 00:05:14.160 --> 00:05:15.120 That's what he tells everybody. 00:05:15.120 --> 00:05:24.340 Well, Genesis chapter 2 and verse 24 is the most important verse in the Bible about marriage. 00:05:25.000 --> 00:05:30.379 It's quoted by Jesus in Mark 10, Matthew 19. 00:05:30.660 --> 00:05:35.420 It's quoted by Paul in 1 Corinthians 6 and in Ephesians 5. 00:05:36.319 --> 00:05:39.399 It says, for this reason or for this cause, 00:05:39.399 --> 00:05:46.459 A man shall leave his father and his mother and be joined to his wife and they shall become one flesh. 00:05:47.659 --> 00:05:53.679 We've heard for some time, for a period of years, that we had a divorce rate in this country of about 50%. 00:05:53.679 --> 00:05:57.979 And then the last few years we began to hear, no, that's way down now. 00:05:58.379 --> 00:06:01.879 We don't have a divorce rate anywhere near 50%. 00:06:01.879 --> 00:06:09.039 Well, Bella DiPaolo, writing in a recent edition of Psychology Today, said, 00:06:09.399 --> 00:06:17.979 The chances that a marriage will end in divorce is probably somewhere between 42% and 45%. 00:06:17.979 --> 00:06:31.979 But couples who go for at least eight hours of premarital counseling increase their probability of staying married by 32%. 00:06:31.979 --> 00:06:36.279 So it's important to prepare for marriage. 00:06:36.279 --> 00:06:45.519 Dysfunctional marriages includes divorce is about 50% of all marriages now. 00:06:46.500 --> 00:06:53.679 Well, when you get married, you should prepare for it. 00:06:54.679 --> 00:06:57.519 We should enter it thinking you want this to last a lifetime. 00:06:57.519 --> 00:07:05.319 If you want to be an electrician, approved electrician, you have to work and get a license. 00:07:06.019 --> 00:07:08.539 If you want to be a contractor, you have to get a license. 00:07:08.979 --> 00:07:13.799 If you want to be a driver, you have to take a written test and then you have to drive to get a license. 00:07:14.000 --> 00:07:14.779 Oh, and pass them. 00:07:16.199 --> 00:07:21.339 To be a counselor, you have to get a degree, a graduate degree, and then you have to do two years of clinical, 00:07:21.339 --> 00:07:23.339 and then you have to take an exam. 00:07:24.779 --> 00:07:32.739 So in just about everything that you're licensed or certified in, you have to have some kind of preparation. 00:07:33.139 --> 00:07:38.659 But in order to get married in this country, all you've got to do is go down to the courthouse, 00:07:39.159 --> 00:07:44.799 get you a license, get somebody to sign it, and you are married. 00:07:44.800 --> 00:07:51.800 Preparation precedes blessing, and that includes marriage. 00:07:52.040 --> 00:07:56.079 Now as I look out, I can tell in some of your faces, you look at me and you're saying, 00:07:56.340 --> 00:07:58.720 but I've been married for a long time and I don't need this. 00:08:00.180 --> 00:08:01.840 And I love you, but you do. 00:08:03.519 --> 00:08:12.199 Because if you're okay, there is somebody else that needs your encouragement and your help as they build their marriage. 00:08:12.199 --> 00:08:19.420 So when you look at Genesis 2.24, he's really talking about doing three things. 00:08:20.039 --> 00:08:23.759 The first thing he's talking about, he said, for this cause a man shall leave his father and his mother. 00:08:23.939 --> 00:08:25.219 So the first thing is leave. 00:08:26.680 --> 00:08:27.680 Now what does that mean? 00:08:28.680 --> 00:08:31.120 Well, I've had people over the years when I was doing counseling, 00:08:31.300 --> 00:08:36.120 and a fair amount of it would come for premarital counseling, 00:08:36.399 --> 00:08:38.879 and I would ask the question, where are you going to live? 00:08:40.819 --> 00:08:42.139 Sometimes I'd get this answer. 00:08:42.200 --> 00:08:45.500 Oh, we've got a place, we've got a lot next to mom and daddy. 00:08:46.920 --> 00:08:54.220 And I would respond, can you live at least an hour away from your mamas and your daddies? 00:08:55.720 --> 00:09:02.280 And the reason for that is, you have to achieve some emotional distance from your family of origin 00:09:02.280 --> 00:09:04.440 in order to establish your own family, 00:09:04.700 --> 00:09:09.740 and it's easier to achieve emotional distance if you have geographical distance. 00:09:09.740 --> 00:09:12.100 That and some other practical things. 00:09:12.240 --> 00:09:16.639 If you live next door, it's real easy for anybody to just pop in anytime unannounced. 00:09:16.860 --> 00:09:20.680 But if you live an hour away, they've got to make some preparations to let you know they're coming. 00:09:21.759 --> 00:09:22.519 So leave. 00:09:22.580 --> 00:09:26.580 He says, leave your family to build a new family. 00:09:26.580 --> 00:09:30.000 And then he says, and shall cleave to his wife. 00:09:30.660 --> 00:09:33.720 And if the Hebrews had a word for super glue, this would be it. 00:09:34.340 --> 00:09:38.960 To stick together, through thick and through thin, through sickness and in health, 00:09:39.200 --> 00:09:42.680 to stay with each other, to cleave. 00:09:43.040 --> 00:09:44.680 And then the third thing is implied. 00:09:45.400 --> 00:09:46.259 It's weave. 00:09:46.259 --> 00:09:51.960 Have you ever seen those ladder back chairs that had cane bottoms in them? 00:09:52.019 --> 00:09:52.539 They were woven? 00:09:54.120 --> 00:09:54.480 Anybody? 00:09:54.659 --> 00:09:55.519 We can be interactive. 00:09:55.899 --> 00:09:56.100 Anybody? 00:09:57.220 --> 00:09:57.480 Okay. 00:09:58.879 --> 00:10:02.980 If you took a ladder back chair and you took a five-gallon bucket of water 00:10:02.980 --> 00:10:07.139 and you poured it in the seat of that chair, what would happen to the water? 00:10:11.319 --> 00:10:12.279 You got the answer. 00:10:12.360 --> 00:10:12.759 What is it? 00:10:13.019 --> 00:10:13.879 It would go through. 00:10:13.980 --> 00:10:14.480 That's right. 00:10:14.539 --> 00:10:15.000 Thank you, Mike. 00:10:15.000 --> 00:10:16.279 It would go through. 00:10:16.700 --> 00:10:20.039 Then you wipe it off because it's covered in polyurethane and everything. 00:10:20.279 --> 00:10:21.019 You wipe it off. 00:10:21.200 --> 00:10:22.639 Then you sit down in that chair. 00:10:22.860 --> 00:10:24.679 What's going to happen to the chair? 00:10:25.080 --> 00:10:26.919 And the answer is nothing. 00:10:28.039 --> 00:10:29.240 And that's the way marriage ought to be. 00:10:30.279 --> 00:10:35.039 We ought to have enough space between us that a lot of stuff can pass through. 00:10:35.360 --> 00:10:39.460 But we need to have enough strength in that weave that we're going to stick together. 00:10:39.460 --> 00:10:44.419 So he says, leave and cleave and weave. 00:10:45.000 --> 00:10:50.700 Now, I want you to look what he says for this reason, for the reason for the cause of marriage. 00:10:51.019 --> 00:10:56.500 A man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife and they too shall become one flesh. 00:10:56.500 --> 00:11:01.700 So if you look in Genesis chapter 2 and verse 18, it says, 00:11:01.700 --> 00:11:04.800 The Lord said, it is not good for the man to be alone. 00:11:04.980 --> 00:11:08.060 I will make a helper suitable for him. 00:11:08.320 --> 00:11:11.520 And that operative word in that verse is suitable. 00:11:11.780 --> 00:11:13.940 It means to correspond to each other. 00:11:14.820 --> 00:11:17.080 It doesn't mean to be exactly like each other. 00:11:17.220 --> 00:11:20.620 And it doesn't mean that you complete somebody else. 00:11:20.620 --> 00:11:23.500 I heard it when I was growing up. 00:11:23.879 --> 00:11:24.720 Many of you heard it. 00:11:25.299 --> 00:11:26.720 I heard preachers preach it. 00:11:27.220 --> 00:11:29.139 They'd come and they'd preach on the family and they'd say, 00:11:29.399 --> 00:11:31.779 You need to find you a young man. 00:11:31.879 --> 00:11:33.159 You need to find you a young woman. 00:11:33.240 --> 00:11:34.379 We're talking about young people. 00:11:34.759 --> 00:11:38.600 And you can complete her and she can complete you. 00:11:40.019 --> 00:11:41.000 And I bought it. 00:11:41.259 --> 00:11:42.259 I thought, yeah, that's the way it is. 00:11:42.480 --> 00:11:46.879 Until years later, I realized that's just not true. 00:11:46.879 --> 00:11:57.059 There is nobody on this earth who can complete you but Jesus Christ. 00:11:58.539 --> 00:12:03.980 Augustine says man has a God-shaped vacuum inside of him. 00:12:04.379 --> 00:12:08.279 And the only thing that will complete him, that will fill him, that will make him whole 00:12:08.279 --> 00:12:11.320 is a relationship with God through Jesus Christ. 00:12:11.740 --> 00:12:13.179 So what does he mean when he says suitable? 00:12:13.179 --> 00:12:18.639 He means someone who can complement the other. 00:12:19.500 --> 00:12:24.679 Not complete, but complement to aid each other. 00:12:24.719 --> 00:12:29.539 Well, I want to share with you this morning what I call the four F's of marriage. 00:12:30.019 --> 00:12:31.659 And the first one is the foundation. 00:12:32.339 --> 00:12:35.399 The foundation of marriage is commitment or love. 00:12:35.859 --> 00:12:40.879 The greatest commandment is love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, all your mind. 00:12:40.879 --> 00:12:43.559 The second is like it, love your neighbor as yourself. 00:12:43.820 --> 00:12:47.360 And your number one neighbor will be your mate. 00:12:48.820 --> 00:12:50.879 So you love God, that's the foundation. 00:12:51.320 --> 00:12:53.460 And then the very next thing is you love your neighbor. 00:12:53.460 --> 00:12:54.139 Who is your neighbor? 00:12:54.679 --> 00:12:59.919 Anybody that God puts in the path of your life whose needs you can help meet. 00:13:01.759 --> 00:13:04.519 So you love your wife, you love your husband. 00:13:04.679 --> 00:13:07.200 Well, what does that really look like in practice? 00:13:07.200 --> 00:13:10.420 Well, first of all, it's the word agape. 00:13:10.580 --> 00:13:14.420 And agape is not necessarily a feeling word. 00:13:14.540 --> 00:13:15.660 It's a word of commitment. 00:13:16.700 --> 00:13:18.500 So sometimes we talk about love. 00:13:18.560 --> 00:13:21.580 And in our culture, we bandy around a word. 00:13:22.000 --> 00:13:24.420 And we have one word that covers a multitude of things. 00:13:24.500 --> 00:13:25.320 The Greeks had four. 00:13:25.960 --> 00:13:28.080 And they were more specific in what that word meant. 00:13:28.879 --> 00:13:31.940 But love that's talked about in Scripture. 00:13:32.080 --> 00:13:34.140 For God so loved the world, for example. 00:13:34.620 --> 00:13:35.360 Love one another. 00:13:35.360 --> 00:13:36.220 Love the brethren. 00:13:36.519 --> 00:13:37.159 Love your enemies. 00:13:37.360 --> 00:13:38.419 That word is agape. 00:13:39.120 --> 00:13:42.100 And it's not talking so much about feeling as it is a commitment. 00:13:43.139 --> 00:13:44.659 Have you ever noticed when two people meet? 00:13:45.000 --> 00:13:48.340 And they meet because, well, they like the way each other looks. 00:13:48.940 --> 00:13:50.680 And then they like each other's personality. 00:13:51.340 --> 00:13:53.360 And then they like some of the things they have in common. 00:13:53.639 --> 00:13:55.800 And they date for two or three weeks. 00:13:55.980 --> 00:13:59.840 And invariably, somewhere along the way, somebody's going to say, 00:13:59.840 --> 00:14:04.780 I love you. 00:14:05.780 --> 00:14:07.860 And what they mean is this. 00:14:08.399 --> 00:14:11.480 I am infatuated with you. 00:14:12.180 --> 00:14:17.840 And we know that all relationships begin with infatuation. 00:14:18.240 --> 00:14:21.840 We also know if it doesn't grow out of the infatuation stage, 00:14:22.780 --> 00:14:24.320 before people get married, 00:14:24.320 --> 00:14:29.080 it becomes a predictor for trouble later in the marriage. 00:14:30.140 --> 00:14:33.080 But in a practical sense, what does that look like? 00:14:33.120 --> 00:14:34.700 How does it show up in marriage? 00:14:35.040 --> 00:14:37.600 Well, 1 Corinthians 13, verses 4 through 7, 00:14:37.940 --> 00:14:40.580 describes agape, describes this love. 00:14:40.620 --> 00:14:41.860 It's not a definition of it. 00:14:42.400 --> 00:14:43.540 It's a description of it. 00:14:44.400 --> 00:14:45.280 Love is patient. 00:14:45.500 --> 00:14:47.160 Love is kind and is not jealous. 00:14:47.340 --> 00:14:49.540 Love does not brag and is not arrogant. 00:14:49.900 --> 00:14:51.440 Does not act unbecomingly. 00:14:51.440 --> 00:14:52.760 It does not seek its own. 00:14:53.260 --> 00:14:54.160 Is not provoked. 00:14:54.260 --> 00:14:56.000 Does not take into account a wrong suffered. 00:14:56.100 --> 00:14:57.780 Does not rejoice in unrighteousness. 00:14:57.980 --> 00:14:59.440 But rejoices with the truth. 00:14:59.580 --> 00:15:00.400 Bears all things. 00:15:00.540 --> 00:15:01.400 Believes all things. 00:15:01.560 --> 00:15:04.920 Which, by the way, means gives the other person the benefit of the doubt. 00:15:05.700 --> 00:15:06.680 Hopes all things. 00:15:07.080 --> 00:15:08.660 Endures all things. 00:15:10.040 --> 00:15:12.260 Love is from God. 00:15:12.400 --> 00:15:13.420 God is love. 00:15:13.500 --> 00:15:15.020 The fruit of His Spirit is love. 00:15:15.340 --> 00:15:18.840 And we can't really love another person 00:15:18.840 --> 00:15:23.080 until we have the love of God inside of us. 00:15:24.019 --> 00:15:25.200 But it's seen. 00:15:25.320 --> 00:15:26.160 It shows up. 00:15:27.440 --> 00:15:30.560 What it looks like in practical ways, 00:15:30.980 --> 00:15:32.759 when you love your mate, 00:15:33.399 --> 00:15:37.019 you show your mate that you value them. 00:15:37.780 --> 00:15:40.440 If you devalue them, 00:15:40.820 --> 00:15:42.620 it is the opposite of love. 00:15:42.620 --> 00:15:47.060 So, two people that say they love each other 00:15:47.060 --> 00:15:48.799 and are going to build a marriage 00:15:48.799 --> 00:15:53.759 are two people who are going to be showing that other person value 00:15:53.759 --> 00:15:55.759 throughout their marriage. 00:15:56.779 --> 00:15:58.860 Even when they get angry with each other. 00:15:59.379 --> 00:16:00.759 Even when they don't agree with things, 00:16:00.840 --> 00:16:04.860 they still show the other person value. 00:16:05.799 --> 00:16:06.860 So the foundations. 00:16:07.080 --> 00:16:07.659 Love God. 00:16:08.460 --> 00:16:10.360 Love your neighbor and your first neighbor as your mate. 00:16:10.480 --> 00:16:11.600 The second thing is friendship. 00:16:11.600 --> 00:16:15.899 Our best friends should be our mates. 00:16:16.540 --> 00:16:17.680 That's not always the case. 00:16:18.580 --> 00:16:20.240 And a lot of dysfunctional marriages, 00:16:20.480 --> 00:16:21.360 it's not the case at all. 00:16:21.379 --> 00:16:23.300 And some people have even been taught 00:16:23.300 --> 00:16:27.120 that your wife or your husband should not be your best friend. 00:16:27.899 --> 00:16:30.240 Your wife or your husband should be your best friend. 00:16:31.000 --> 00:16:33.180 Have you ever heard of a man named John Gottman? 00:16:33.820 --> 00:16:34.120 Anybody? 00:16:35.540 --> 00:16:36.519 John Gottman? 00:16:37.300 --> 00:16:40.040 He was a professor out at the University of Washington. 00:16:40.039 --> 00:16:42.000 He had a place called the Love Lab. 00:16:42.819 --> 00:16:45.179 And it was an apartment that the university set up for him. 00:16:46.399 --> 00:16:48.679 Couples that were having trouble in their marriage would come. 00:16:49.159 --> 00:16:51.659 This apartment was set up with cameras and microphones. 00:16:52.459 --> 00:16:55.099 They would take their blood pressure and their heart rate periodically. 00:16:55.620 --> 00:16:57.679 And you'd think that going into a situation like that, 00:16:57.719 --> 00:16:59.439 it sounds kind of clinical and sterile, 00:16:59.759 --> 00:17:02.379 that there would be, people would be so self-conscious about, 00:17:02.599 --> 00:17:03.120 how am I going to act? 00:17:03.179 --> 00:17:03.759 What am I going to do? 00:17:03.759 --> 00:17:05.900 But they found out that after being there, 00:17:05.980 --> 00:17:06.740 get settling in, 00:17:06.900 --> 00:17:08.059 for two hours, 00:17:08.519 --> 00:17:10.019 they started acting like themselves. 00:17:11.180 --> 00:17:13.539 And in over 35 years, 00:17:14.140 --> 00:17:15.700 they recorded all this stuff. 00:17:15.799 --> 00:17:18.539 And Gottman and his associates put it all together. 00:17:18.960 --> 00:17:20.759 And he started to publish his material 00:17:20.759 --> 00:17:22.240 and then write popular books. 00:17:22.859 --> 00:17:24.900 One was called Why Marriages Fail. 00:17:25.619 --> 00:17:28.619 Another one was The Seven Principles to a Successful Marriage. 00:17:28.619 --> 00:17:32.679 If you were to go to the Gottman Institute today for 2018, 00:17:32.959 --> 00:17:33.659 they've got a program. 00:17:33.779 --> 00:17:35.539 You go online to Gottman Institute. 00:17:35.899 --> 00:17:38.079 He's Professor Emeritus at Washington now, 00:17:38.299 --> 00:17:40.039 and he heads up the Gottman Institute 00:17:40.039 --> 00:17:42.679 with his wife, who's also a clinical psychologist. 00:17:43.759 --> 00:17:44.759 But they've got this plan. 00:17:44.879 --> 00:17:47.219 Now you go there, I think it's for 10 minutes a day 00:17:47.219 --> 00:17:48.779 for a certain period of time, 00:17:49.159 --> 00:17:51.839 how to build, how to strengthen your marriage. 00:17:52.099 --> 00:17:55.539 Now, John Gottman is a Jewish man. 00:17:55.539 --> 00:17:59.119 John Gottman is not a Christian. 00:17:59.899 --> 00:18:02.779 But he is regarded by those who look at relationships 00:18:02.779 --> 00:18:05.539 as one of the leading experts. 00:18:06.259 --> 00:18:09.579 He's been called the guru of relationships in America. 00:18:10.159 --> 00:18:11.700 Well, friendship, is it important? 00:18:11.879 --> 00:18:13.079 This is what Gottman says. 00:18:13.879 --> 00:18:17.460 The determining factor in whether wives feel satisfied 00:18:17.460 --> 00:18:20.480 with sex, romance, and passion in their marriage 00:18:20.480 --> 00:18:26.700 is 70% by the quality of the couple's friendship. 00:18:27.220 --> 00:18:29.440 For men, the determining factor 00:18:29.440 --> 00:18:33.339 is by 70% the quality of the couple's friendship. 00:18:33.980 --> 00:18:36.019 And then he makes this little caveat here 00:18:36.019 --> 00:18:38.440 that sounds like a shot at John Gray, 00:18:38.680 --> 00:18:39.579 who wrote the book, 00:18:39.680 --> 00:18:41.480 Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus. 00:18:41.920 --> 00:18:42.420 He said, 00:18:42.420 --> 00:18:47.440 So, men and women come from the same planet after all. 00:18:48.580 --> 00:18:50.460 We need to build friendship. 00:18:50.580 --> 00:18:53.000 Song of Solomon, chapter 5 and verse 16 says, 00:18:53.440 --> 00:18:55.080 The king is admiring his wife, 00:18:56.080 --> 00:18:56.720 Nesheulamite. 00:18:57.400 --> 00:18:57.860 And he says, 00:18:57.940 --> 00:19:01.240 This is my beloved and this is my friend. 00:19:02.140 --> 00:19:04.660 Well, if we're going to keep our friendship, 00:19:04.820 --> 00:19:05.960 and that's going to be a big part 00:19:05.960 --> 00:19:07.140 of keeping a marriage strong, 00:19:08.080 --> 00:19:09.120 making a marriage last, 00:19:09.279 --> 00:19:10.240 what do we need to do? 00:19:10.240 --> 00:19:12.960 We need to make sure that the positives 00:19:12.960 --> 00:19:15.400 are more than the negatives. 00:19:16.279 --> 00:19:17.960 That pleasing behaviors 00:19:17.960 --> 00:19:20.519 are more than negative behaviors. 00:19:21.819 --> 00:19:24.380 Gottman also came up with this formula, 00:19:24.859 --> 00:19:25.299 and he says, 00:19:25.400 --> 00:19:26.940 Any successful marriage 00:19:26.940 --> 00:19:28.319 will have a ratio 00:19:28.319 --> 00:19:30.579 of at least five positives 00:19:30.579 --> 00:19:31.839 to one negative. 00:19:32.359 --> 00:19:32.779 And he said, 00:19:32.839 --> 00:19:34.180 Anything less than that 00:19:34.180 --> 00:19:36.920 brings about a degree of tension 00:19:36.920 --> 00:19:38.240 and even dysfunction 00:19:38.240 --> 00:19:40.460 inside the marriage. 00:19:41.140 --> 00:19:43.080 1 Corinthians, chapter 7, 00:19:43.539 --> 00:19:44.360 verse 32, 00:19:44.539 --> 00:19:45.100 Paul wrote, 00:19:46.460 --> 00:19:48.120 I want you to be free from concern. 00:19:48.320 --> 00:19:49.240 One who is unmarried 00:19:49.240 --> 00:19:51.019 is concerned about the things of the Lord, 00:19:51.380 --> 00:19:52.779 how he may please the Lord. 00:19:53.019 --> 00:19:54.140 But one who is married 00:19:54.140 --> 00:19:56.100 is concerned about the things of the world, 00:19:56.380 --> 00:19:57.680 how he may please his wife. 00:19:57.900 --> 00:20:00.539 Because marriage is an earthly institution. 00:20:00.700 --> 00:20:02.160 It is of this world. 00:20:02.980 --> 00:20:04.440 And his interests are divided. 00:20:04.440 --> 00:20:05.700 The woman who is unmarried 00:20:05.700 --> 00:20:06.279 and the virgin 00:20:06.279 --> 00:20:08.019 is concerned about the things of the Lord, 00:20:08.140 --> 00:20:09.259 that she may be holy 00:20:09.259 --> 00:20:10.460 both in body and spirit. 00:20:10.680 --> 00:20:11.700 But one who is married 00:20:11.700 --> 00:20:13.420 is concerned about the things of the Lord, 00:20:13.920 --> 00:20:15.460 how she may please her husband. 00:20:15.720 --> 00:20:17.680 So what he says in that verse is this. 00:20:18.120 --> 00:20:20.160 Here's the ideal thing to do. 00:20:20.860 --> 00:20:22.000 Don't ever get married. 00:20:23.920 --> 00:20:25.299 Spend all your time, 00:20:25.820 --> 00:20:26.700 all your money, 00:20:27.059 --> 00:20:28.019 all your devotion 00:20:28.019 --> 00:20:29.360 in serving God. 00:20:30.259 --> 00:20:31.500 But he goes on to say, 00:20:31.500 --> 00:20:34.119 but most of us, 00:20:34.380 --> 00:20:37.039 I'm thinking 99% of us 00:20:37.039 --> 00:20:38.359 don't have that gift. 00:20:39.819 --> 00:20:41.619 And then he comes with this principle. 00:20:42.019 --> 00:20:42.500 So, 00:20:43.299 --> 00:20:44.779 if husband, 00:20:45.000 --> 00:20:46.059 you have a wife, 00:20:46.519 --> 00:20:46.960 he says, 00:20:47.299 --> 00:20:48.220 please her. 00:20:48.900 --> 00:20:49.619 And wives, 00:20:49.740 --> 00:20:50.799 if you have a husband, 00:20:51.480 --> 00:20:52.680 please him. 00:20:53.819 --> 00:20:55.500 Now I think that has to be 00:20:55.500 --> 00:20:57.259 disciplined by reason 00:20:57.259 --> 00:20:58.539 and common sense. 00:20:58.539 --> 00:21:01.559 If my wife told me 00:21:01.559 --> 00:21:04.839 I would like a new, 00:21:05.839 --> 00:21:08.079 a spanking new BMW, 00:21:08.920 --> 00:21:10.779 my response would be 00:21:10.779 --> 00:21:12.339 we can't afford it. 00:21:13.680 --> 00:21:14.559 She would say, 00:21:14.619 --> 00:21:15.500 but I've been watching, 00:21:15.559 --> 00:21:17.079 I think it's Snyder's in Greenville. 00:21:17.940 --> 00:21:18.259 She said, 00:21:18.299 --> 00:21:19.639 I've been watching Snyder's 00:21:19.639 --> 00:21:21.500 and between 2 and 3 o'clock in the morning, 00:21:21.940 --> 00:21:22.659 there's no security. 00:21:22.660 --> 00:21:27.480 She said, 00:21:27.640 --> 00:21:28.960 I've got this thing 00:21:28.960 --> 00:21:29.680 that I downloaded, 00:21:29.800 --> 00:21:30.620 here's how you hotbar 00:21:30.620 --> 00:21:31.580 one of those BMWs 00:21:31.580 --> 00:21:32.400 and get inside of it. 00:21:33.160 --> 00:21:33.740 She said, 00:21:33.779 --> 00:21:34.860 you could steal it for me. 00:21:35.540 --> 00:21:36.259 Now she said, 00:21:36.440 --> 00:21:37.100 and then she said, 00:21:37.240 --> 00:21:38.740 that would please me. 00:21:41.040 --> 00:21:42.220 And I'm going to say, 00:21:42.340 --> 00:21:43.019 nothing doing 00:21:43.019 --> 00:21:44.220 because I'm not interested 00:21:44.220 --> 00:21:45.740 in starting a prison ministry. 00:21:47.900 --> 00:21:49.940 So it has to be with reason 00:21:49.940 --> 00:21:51.240 and good sense. 00:21:51.240 --> 00:21:53.039 But husbands, 00:21:53.180 --> 00:21:53.779 please your wives. 00:21:53.859 --> 00:21:54.400 That's what he's saying. 00:21:54.579 --> 00:21:54.920 Wives, 00:21:55.240 --> 00:21:56.400 please your husband. 00:21:57.000 --> 00:21:57.259 And now, 00:21:57.420 --> 00:21:59.160 in order to do things like that, 00:21:59.200 --> 00:21:59.980 we have to communicate. 00:22:01.859 --> 00:22:02.960 Inside a relationship, 00:22:03.140 --> 00:22:04.539 in any kind of relationship, 00:22:04.980 --> 00:22:06.460 there's a communication equation 00:22:06.460 --> 00:22:08.720 that equals 100%. 00:22:08.720 --> 00:22:11.019 7% are the words we use 00:22:11.019 --> 00:22:12.779 and we thought they were so important. 00:22:13.500 --> 00:22:15.120 7% of the words we use, 00:22:15.220 --> 00:22:16.980 38% is the way we say the words, 00:22:16.980 --> 00:22:20.440 and 55% are non-verbals, 00:22:20.819 --> 00:22:21.599 body language. 00:22:22.900 --> 00:22:23.599 And all those years 00:22:23.599 --> 00:22:24.339 I spent preaching 00:22:24.339 --> 00:22:25.640 and doing the seminars and stuff, 00:22:26.059 --> 00:22:29.980 I developed a gift. 00:22:31.120 --> 00:22:32.440 When I'm preaching to a congregation, 00:22:32.819 --> 00:22:33.620 I can tell. 00:22:34.279 --> 00:22:35.759 100% of the time, 00:22:35.920 --> 00:22:36.720 I look out 00:22:36.720 --> 00:22:38.099 when somebody's not listening. 00:22:38.819 --> 00:22:39.680 I can tell. 00:22:40.740 --> 00:22:42.480 Somebody's got their legs crossed like this, 00:22:42.700 --> 00:22:43.960 they got their hands crossed like this, 00:22:43.960 --> 00:22:45.059 their heads roll back 00:22:45.059 --> 00:22:45.919 on the back of the pew 00:22:45.919 --> 00:22:47.000 and I hear this noise. 00:22:47.740 --> 00:22:49.399 I know they're not listening. 00:22:50.299 --> 00:22:51.619 I know they're not listening. 00:22:54.740 --> 00:22:56.139 Non-verbals are important. 00:22:57.500 --> 00:22:58.899 How you look at somebody 00:22:58.899 --> 00:23:00.519 in a relationship is important. 00:23:01.960 --> 00:23:02.940 One of the things 00:23:02.940 --> 00:23:03.819 that's real important 00:23:03.819 --> 00:23:05.799 is how we have an open posture 00:23:05.799 --> 00:23:06.460 to one another. 00:23:06.859 --> 00:23:08.480 How we imply to that person, 00:23:08.599 --> 00:23:09.519 I'm open to you. 00:23:10.159 --> 00:23:11.200 And sometimes we don't. 00:23:11.899 --> 00:23:12.740 Sometimes it's a habit. 00:23:13.139 --> 00:23:14.279 Sometimes we're talking to people, 00:23:14.279 --> 00:23:15.339 we automatically do this. 00:23:16.139 --> 00:23:17.059 Well, that's an example 00:23:17.059 --> 00:23:17.680 of closed posture. 00:23:17.779 --> 00:23:18.359 Sometimes you do it 00:23:18.359 --> 00:23:19.099 because you're cold. 00:23:19.920 --> 00:23:21.160 I was leading a retreat 00:23:21.160 --> 00:23:21.879 in Ridgecrest 00:23:21.879 --> 00:23:23.279 and there was a group of people 00:23:23.279 --> 00:23:24.000 and there was this one 00:23:24.000 --> 00:23:25.180 little woman on the front. 00:23:25.599 --> 00:23:26.399 This was in February 00:23:26.399 --> 00:23:27.779 and it actually was snowing 00:23:27.779 --> 00:23:28.519 a little bit that night. 00:23:28.680 --> 00:23:29.440 It was cold. 00:23:29.519 --> 00:23:30.700 They had problems with the heat 00:23:30.700 --> 00:23:33.539 and she's doing this 00:23:33.539 --> 00:23:35.180 the whole time like this. 00:23:35.519 --> 00:23:36.599 And I said, stop. 00:23:37.019 --> 00:23:37.940 I shouldn't have done it. 00:23:38.460 --> 00:23:39.539 I've asked God to forgive me. 00:23:39.539 --> 00:23:40.500 But I said, stop. 00:23:40.819 --> 00:23:42.019 I said, this is an example 00:23:42.019 --> 00:23:43.579 of closed posture. 00:23:44.240 --> 00:23:45.079 Well, we had a break. 00:23:45.420 --> 00:23:46.319 And then she comes up to me 00:23:46.319 --> 00:23:46.680 and she's, 00:23:47.180 --> 00:23:47.779 I'm talking to somebody 00:23:47.779 --> 00:23:48.720 and she tugs on my sleeve. 00:23:48.779 --> 00:23:49.819 She says, Dr. Gray? 00:23:49.940 --> 00:23:50.879 I said, yes, ma'am. 00:23:51.259 --> 00:23:52.000 I want you to know 00:23:52.000 --> 00:23:53.059 I was listening to you 00:23:53.059 --> 00:23:54.440 but it's so cold in here 00:23:54.440 --> 00:23:55.559 I'm about to freeze. 00:23:56.059 --> 00:23:56.740 She was right. 00:23:56.799 --> 00:23:57.299 It was cold. 00:23:57.379 --> 00:23:58.500 She was trying to stay warm. 00:23:59.940 --> 00:24:01.579 But there are clues. 00:24:04.379 --> 00:24:05.180 Maintain contact. 00:24:05.180 --> 00:24:07.120 A little principle of solar. 00:24:07.740 --> 00:24:08.500 If you want to really 00:24:08.500 --> 00:24:09.620 communicate with somebody 00:24:09.620 --> 00:24:11.019 face that other person squarely. 00:24:11.600 --> 00:24:12.220 Square it up. 00:24:12.680 --> 00:24:13.960 Have an open posture. 00:24:14.440 --> 00:24:15.299 Don't close anything. 00:24:15.740 --> 00:24:16.880 Lean slightly forward. 00:24:17.060 --> 00:24:17.400 By the way, 00:24:17.440 --> 00:24:18.420 you listen to sermons better 00:24:18.420 --> 00:24:19.140 if you find yourself 00:24:19.140 --> 00:24:20.320 leaning slightly forward. 00:24:20.600 --> 00:24:22.019 Just lean slightly forward. 00:24:22.360 --> 00:24:23.680 Maintain eye contact 00:24:23.680 --> 00:24:24.480 with that person 00:24:24.480 --> 00:24:26.460 and then breathe and relax. 00:24:27.920 --> 00:24:30.019 And that helps you become 00:24:30.019 --> 00:24:31.420 a better listener. 00:24:31.420 --> 00:24:34.620 Now, sometimes men 00:24:34.620 --> 00:24:36.680 have a problem with listening. 00:24:38.259 --> 00:24:39.840 How many women in the room 00:24:39.840 --> 00:24:41.060 would say, I agree with that? 00:24:42.380 --> 00:24:43.480 If you agree with that, 00:24:43.539 --> 00:24:44.660 would you raise your hand 00:24:44.660 --> 00:24:45.800 high and proud? 00:24:46.140 --> 00:24:46.420 Okay. 00:24:47.060 --> 00:24:47.380 Alright. 00:24:48.740 --> 00:24:50.019 In fact, the number, 00:24:50.200 --> 00:24:51.180 you know what the number one 00:24:51.180 --> 00:24:52.860 complaint that women 00:24:52.860 --> 00:24:54.220 have about men is? 00:24:58.060 --> 00:24:59.160 They don't listen. 00:25:00.080 --> 00:25:01.340 So then I ask the men, 00:25:01.420 --> 00:25:01.920 is it true? 00:25:03.360 --> 00:25:04.120 Do you listen? 00:25:06.700 --> 00:25:08.039 Jeff said in the first service, 00:25:08.620 --> 00:25:09.539 he's listening as long as 00:25:09.539 --> 00:25:10.460 there's not a ball game on 00:25:10.460 --> 00:25:11.460 that he's interested in. 00:25:15.400 --> 00:25:16.720 Men, Deborah Tannen 00:25:16.720 --> 00:25:17.759 wrote a book called 00:25:17.759 --> 00:25:18.960 Men and Women in Conversation. 00:25:19.120 --> 00:25:20.320 She'd done her PhD work 00:25:20.320 --> 00:25:22.080 on communication, 00:25:22.279 --> 00:25:23.539 especially in relationships. 00:25:24.160 --> 00:25:26.500 And she said that men 00:25:26.500 --> 00:25:27.480 actually hear. 00:25:28.420 --> 00:25:29.440 But she kind of explained it 00:25:29.440 --> 00:25:29.880 this way, 00:25:29.880 --> 00:25:31.280 that because men 00:25:31.280 --> 00:25:32.220 don't like to get 00:25:32.220 --> 00:25:34.140 all involved in messy 00:25:34.140 --> 00:25:35.160 emotional stuff, 00:25:35.620 --> 00:25:36.300 because men just don't 00:25:36.300 --> 00:25:37.120 like that stuff, 00:25:38.000 --> 00:25:38.940 that they kind of, 00:25:39.300 --> 00:25:40.180 we kind of come 00:25:40.180 --> 00:25:41.120 to this conclusion. 00:25:42.320 --> 00:25:43.200 Okay, she's going to 00:25:43.200 --> 00:25:44.060 share something with me. 00:25:44.100 --> 00:25:44.960 I can tell this is going 00:25:44.960 --> 00:25:45.540 to be emotional. 00:25:45.800 --> 00:25:46.740 It's going to take a while. 00:25:47.000 --> 00:25:48.220 It's going to tear me up. 00:25:48.220 --> 00:25:51.779 So, I'm just not really 00:25:51.779 --> 00:25:53.100 going to listen. 00:25:53.220 --> 00:25:53.720 I hear her. 00:25:53.740 --> 00:25:54.339 I know what she said, 00:25:54.380 --> 00:25:55.200 but I'm not going to listen. 00:25:56.019 --> 00:25:57.120 And she gets mad at him 00:25:57.120 --> 00:25:57.920 and she goes off 00:25:57.920 --> 00:25:58.620 and they have a little 00:25:58.620 --> 00:25:59.220 dispute. 00:26:00.559 --> 00:26:01.759 And he thinks he's won 00:26:01.759 --> 00:26:02.920 because he thinks he's won 00:26:02.920 --> 00:26:04.519 because he thinks 00:26:04.519 --> 00:26:05.940 her anger is less 00:26:05.940 --> 00:26:07.220 than him having to go through 00:26:07.220 --> 00:26:08.400 dealing with all that stuff. 00:26:11.079 --> 00:26:12.360 Well, since I said something 00:26:12.360 --> 00:26:14.500 about number one complaint 00:26:14.500 --> 00:26:15.360 women have about men, 00:26:15.559 --> 00:26:16.700 what's the number one complaint 00:26:16.700 --> 00:26:18.000 that men have about women? 00:26:19.779 --> 00:26:20.039 Huh? 00:26:21.660 --> 00:26:22.840 Talk too much. 00:26:23.740 --> 00:26:24.740 That's not right, 00:26:24.799 --> 00:26:25.299 but that's good. 00:26:30.860 --> 00:26:31.840 All these seminars 00:26:32.580 --> 00:26:33.779 and stuff I've gotten, 00:26:34.200 --> 00:26:35.940 that's the top answer I get 00:26:35.940 --> 00:26:37.299 is women talk too much 00:26:37.299 --> 00:26:38.360 and women are more verbal 00:26:38.360 --> 00:26:38.779 than men. 00:26:38.960 --> 00:26:40.039 But here's the number one. 00:26:40.440 --> 00:26:41.600 Women say their number one 00:26:41.600 --> 00:26:42.600 complaint about men 00:26:42.600 --> 00:26:43.299 is that, 00:26:43.519 --> 00:26:44.400 men say their number one 00:26:44.400 --> 00:26:45.039 complaint about women 00:26:45.039 --> 00:26:46.640 is that women are always 00:26:46.640 --> 00:26:49.220 trying to change them. 00:26:49.940 --> 00:26:51.340 Always trying to change them. 00:26:51.520 --> 00:26:52.240 And I suppose you have 00:26:52.240 --> 00:26:53.100 to talk some in order 00:26:53.100 --> 00:26:53.580 to do that. 00:26:54.080 --> 00:26:54.840 Well, the third F 00:26:54.840 --> 00:26:55.560 I want you to look at 00:26:55.560 --> 00:26:56.220 is finances. 00:26:57.980 --> 00:26:58.380 Finances. 00:26:58.960 --> 00:27:00.000 For years and years, 00:27:00.380 --> 00:27:01.640 the top three problems 00:27:01.640 --> 00:27:02.300 in America 00:27:02.300 --> 00:27:03.560 has been sex, 00:27:03.860 --> 00:27:04.240 in-laws, 00:27:04.320 --> 00:27:04.740 and money. 00:27:05.259 --> 00:27:05.700 Today, 00:27:05.800 --> 00:27:06.320 and it has been 00:27:06.320 --> 00:27:07.320 for the last several years, 00:27:07.580 --> 00:27:09.020 number one is money. 00:27:09.600 --> 00:27:10.640 We have over 00:27:10.640 --> 00:27:11.640 one million bankruptcies 00:27:12.320 --> 00:27:12.840 a year. 00:27:12.840 --> 00:27:13.500 We've had that 00:27:13.500 --> 00:27:14.660 since 2007. 00:27:15.000 --> 00:27:15.900 We have a total 00:27:15.900 --> 00:27:16.940 credit card debt 00:27:16.940 --> 00:27:17.859 for all Americans 00:27:17.859 --> 00:27:18.799 of around 00:27:18.799 --> 00:27:20.759 700 billion dollars. 00:27:21.559 --> 00:27:23.059 Most couples 00:27:23.059 --> 00:27:23.839 in America 00:27:23.839 --> 00:27:25.480 have a debt problem. 00:27:26.299 --> 00:27:27.119 The average amount 00:27:27.119 --> 00:27:28.420 of unpaid credit card debt 00:27:28.420 --> 00:27:29.039 per family 00:27:29.039 --> 00:27:29.680 in America 00:27:29.680 --> 00:27:30.220 averages 00:27:30.220 --> 00:27:33.200 15,355 dollars. 00:27:33.579 --> 00:27:34.960 And the average debt 00:27:34.960 --> 00:27:36.720 excluding the mortgage 00:27:36.720 --> 00:27:40.960 is 129,579 dollars. 00:27:40.960 --> 00:27:42.920 And we've got 00:27:42.920 --> 00:27:45.019 an undisciplined 00:27:45.019 --> 00:27:45.819 approach 00:27:45.819 --> 00:27:46.960 to finances. 00:27:47.819 --> 00:27:48.500 Now, Gottman, 00:27:49.240 --> 00:27:50.200 Dave Ramsey's one, 00:27:50.299 --> 00:27:51.319 Larry Burkett was one, 00:27:51.680 --> 00:27:52.240 say everybody 00:27:52.240 --> 00:27:53.140 should have a budget. 00:27:54.019 --> 00:27:54.660 And like I told 00:27:54.660 --> 00:27:55.620 the service at 8 o'clock, 00:27:55.880 --> 00:27:57.140 I would not suggest 00:27:57.140 --> 00:27:57.960 to the First Baptist 00:27:57.960 --> 00:27:58.860 Church of Pickens 00:27:58.860 --> 00:28:00.240 that everybody here 00:28:00.240 --> 00:28:01.259 doesn't have a budget. 00:28:01.480 --> 00:28:02.160 I know you do. 00:28:02.960 --> 00:28:04.120 I know you follow it. 00:28:04.519 --> 00:28:05.340 I know you plan it 00:28:05.340 --> 00:28:05.900 every year. 00:28:05.900 --> 00:28:07.000 I know that everybody 00:28:07.000 --> 00:28:08.100 here has got a budget. 00:28:10.960 --> 00:28:12.740 But for those two couples 00:28:12.740 --> 00:28:13.680 that don't have one, 00:28:15.019 --> 00:28:16.860 this is what they say 00:28:16.860 --> 00:28:18.160 how you go about 00:28:18.160 --> 00:28:19.240 preparing a budget. 00:28:19.799 --> 00:28:21.240 You list all 00:28:21.240 --> 00:28:22.360 of your expenditures. 00:28:23.039 --> 00:28:23.779 All the money 00:28:23.779 --> 00:28:24.700 you've got going out, 00:28:24.819 --> 00:28:25.500 you list it. 00:28:25.779 --> 00:28:26.220 You come up 00:28:26.220 --> 00:28:26.740 with a total. 00:28:27.140 --> 00:28:28.220 And then you come over here 00:28:28.220 --> 00:28:29.259 on this side of the ledger 00:28:29.259 --> 00:28:30.579 and you list up 00:28:30.579 --> 00:28:31.700 all of your income. 00:28:31.840 --> 00:28:32.680 List all of your income. 00:28:33.160 --> 00:28:34.400 And if your expenditures 00:28:34.400 --> 00:28:35.740 are greater 00:28:35.740 --> 00:28:36.900 than your revenue, 00:28:36.900 --> 00:28:38.279 guess what you've got? 00:28:38.279 --> 00:28:41.059 You've got a federal government 00:28:41.059 --> 00:28:41.519 on your hands. 00:28:41.599 --> 00:28:42.720 No, you've got a problem. 00:28:43.399 --> 00:28:44.099 You've got a problem. 00:28:45.119 --> 00:28:45.899 And so the idea, 00:28:45.980 --> 00:28:46.539 and all of these 00:28:46.539 --> 00:28:47.339 finance councils 00:28:47.339 --> 00:28:48.059 say the same thing, 00:28:48.119 --> 00:28:49.160 you've got to cut down 00:28:49.160 --> 00:28:49.960 on expenditures 00:28:49.960 --> 00:28:51.759 because you have to have 00:28:51.759 --> 00:28:52.660 a balanced budget. 00:28:53.019 --> 00:28:54.259 And in that balanced budget, 00:28:54.839 --> 00:28:56.160 you should leave room 00:28:56.160 --> 00:28:57.119 for tithing. 00:28:57.799 --> 00:28:59.619 Not just nodding to God, 00:28:59.700 --> 00:29:01.240 but to actually tithing. 00:29:01.460 --> 00:29:02.440 And here's the good news 00:29:02.440 --> 00:29:02.859 about that. 00:29:03.099 --> 00:29:03.720 Tithing ought to be 00:29:03.720 --> 00:29:04.500 a part of our budget. 00:29:05.119 --> 00:29:06.759 And the good news is, 00:29:06.759 --> 00:29:07.980 you don't have to give 00:29:07.980 --> 00:29:09.319 just 10%. 00:29:09.319 --> 00:29:11.599 We live in the age of grace. 00:29:11.819 --> 00:29:13.000 You can give 20% 00:29:13.000 --> 00:29:13.859 if you want to. 00:29:15.119 --> 00:29:15.900 Saving should be 00:29:15.900 --> 00:29:16.599 a part of that. 00:29:17.700 --> 00:29:18.859 I have had couples 00:29:18.859 --> 00:29:19.640 over the years, 00:29:20.220 --> 00:29:21.000 usually the man 00:29:21.000 --> 00:29:21.619 would say to me, 00:29:21.660 --> 00:29:22.180 and this happened 00:29:22.180 --> 00:29:23.039 to one guy in particular, 00:29:23.119 --> 00:29:23.920 I still remember it, 00:29:24.519 --> 00:29:25.279 and he was a student 00:29:25.279 --> 00:29:26.420 at Southwestern Seminary. 00:29:26.559 --> 00:29:26.960 He said, 00:29:27.579 --> 00:29:28.660 I can't afford to tithe. 00:29:30.339 --> 00:29:32.019 And my response to him was, 00:29:32.240 --> 00:29:32.980 you can't afford 00:29:32.980 --> 00:29:33.680 not to tithe. 00:29:34.539 --> 00:29:35.259 Years later, 00:29:35.319 --> 00:29:36.099 he came back to me 00:29:36.099 --> 00:29:36.939 and he sat down 00:29:36.939 --> 00:29:37.740 and he said, 00:29:37.779 --> 00:29:38.639 I want you to know something. 00:29:38.719 --> 00:29:39.319 That was right. 00:29:39.859 --> 00:29:40.219 He said, 00:29:40.259 --> 00:29:41.819 when I stopped tithing, 00:29:41.899 --> 00:29:43.059 we got in all kinds 00:29:43.059 --> 00:29:43.559 of trouble, 00:29:43.879 --> 00:29:45.079 all kind of financial trouble. 00:29:45.379 --> 00:29:45.599 He said, 00:29:45.619 --> 00:29:46.259 we finally got it 00:29:46.259 --> 00:29:46.799 straightened out. 00:29:47.359 --> 00:29:47.740 But yeah, 00:29:47.859 --> 00:29:49.059 tithing should be a part. 00:29:49.379 --> 00:29:50.599 Our children should know 00:29:50.599 --> 00:29:52.199 that we value God enough 00:29:52.199 --> 00:29:53.359 that we put aside 00:29:53.359 --> 00:29:54.339 what we're going to give 00:29:54.339 --> 00:29:54.819 to God 00:29:54.819 --> 00:29:56.179 in our family budget. 00:29:56.819 --> 00:29:58.179 And God calls us 00:29:58.179 --> 00:29:59.480 to be good stewards, 00:29:59.699 --> 00:30:01.139 to be faithful stewards. 00:30:01.439 --> 00:30:02.799 1 Corinthians 4 and verse 2 00:30:02.799 --> 00:30:03.059 says, 00:30:03.059 --> 00:30:04.740 it's required of stewards 00:30:04.740 --> 00:30:06.519 that one be found 00:30:06.519 --> 00:30:08.480 trustworthy or faithful. 00:30:09.279 --> 00:30:10.179 And Malachi says, 00:30:10.279 --> 00:30:11.440 bring the whole tithe 00:30:11.440 --> 00:30:12.940 into the storehouse. 00:30:13.440 --> 00:30:14.359 We don't love money. 00:30:14.940 --> 00:30:16.039 We shouldn't live for money. 00:30:16.519 --> 00:30:17.559 But everybody here 00:30:17.559 --> 00:30:18.559 has to use money 00:30:18.559 --> 00:30:19.500 for certain things. 00:30:20.179 --> 00:30:21.500 And we should be good stewards 00:30:21.500 --> 00:30:23.659 with what God has given us. 00:30:23.960 --> 00:30:24.299 In fact, 00:30:24.399 --> 00:30:26.179 Proverbs 13 and verse 22 00:30:26.179 --> 00:30:26.500 says, 00:30:26.579 --> 00:30:27.559 a good man leaves 00:30:27.559 --> 00:30:28.440 an inheritance 00:30:28.440 --> 00:30:31.000 to his children's children. 00:30:31.000 --> 00:30:32.299 So finances. 00:30:32.460 --> 00:30:33.680 Our finances could be in shape 00:30:33.680 --> 00:30:35.339 because if it's the number one problem 00:30:35.339 --> 00:30:36.319 that couples have now, 00:30:36.500 --> 00:30:37.480 then it means that 00:30:37.480 --> 00:30:38.640 once we get that in shape, 00:30:38.720 --> 00:30:39.519 then we've reduced 00:30:39.519 --> 00:30:40.559 the number one problem 00:30:40.559 --> 00:30:41.720 that most couples have. 00:30:42.319 --> 00:30:42.559 Well, 00:30:42.599 --> 00:30:43.500 the last thing is 00:30:43.500 --> 00:30:44.640 finishing well. 00:30:45.720 --> 00:30:46.519 Finishing well. 00:30:47.099 --> 00:30:49.160 Marriage is an earthly institution. 00:30:49.740 --> 00:30:50.319 The Bible says 00:30:50.319 --> 00:30:51.019 they're neither giving 00:30:51.019 --> 00:30:51.759 nor receiving 00:30:51.759 --> 00:30:52.559 in the resurrection. 00:30:54.880 --> 00:30:56.160 It's made for the earth. 00:30:56.640 --> 00:30:57.640 No marriage in heaven. 00:30:58.359 --> 00:30:59.079 I know some people 00:30:59.079 --> 00:31:00.180 have been married a long time 00:31:00.180 --> 00:31:00.980 and love each other 00:31:00.980 --> 00:31:01.880 and care for each other 00:31:01.880 --> 00:31:03.380 and just have endeared themselves 00:31:03.380 --> 00:31:03.960 to each other 00:31:03.960 --> 00:31:05.240 will say things like 00:31:05.240 --> 00:31:06.259 I can't imagine heaven 00:31:06.259 --> 00:31:07.120 without my husband 00:31:07.120 --> 00:31:08.240 or without my wife. 00:31:08.759 --> 00:31:09.539 I even heard a president 00:31:09.539 --> 00:31:10.279 of a Bible college 00:31:10.279 --> 00:31:11.200 at one of our conferences 00:31:11.200 --> 00:31:11.860 he was speaking 00:31:11.860 --> 00:31:12.820 and he said 00:31:12.820 --> 00:31:14.880 I can't imagine heaven 00:31:14.880 --> 00:31:16.700 without his wife. 00:31:17.480 --> 00:31:18.320 But the truth is 00:31:18.320 --> 00:31:19.680 when we get to heaven 00:31:19.680 --> 00:31:21.400 that is such a higher, 00:31:21.840 --> 00:31:23.440 greater experience 00:31:23.440 --> 00:31:24.860 than we've ever seen, 00:31:25.000 --> 00:31:25.660 it won't matter. 00:31:26.779 --> 00:31:26.940 I mean, 00:31:26.980 --> 00:31:27.560 it'll be something 00:31:27.560 --> 00:31:28.420 so much greater 00:31:28.420 --> 00:31:29.580 it'll be enveloped 00:31:29.580 --> 00:31:30.420 in something greater. 00:31:30.500 --> 00:31:31.140 We'll know people 00:31:31.140 --> 00:31:32.740 but we'll know them 00:31:32.740 --> 00:31:33.660 and understand them 00:31:33.660 --> 00:31:35.240 at such a higher level, 00:31:35.360 --> 00:31:37.380 such a spiritual power 00:31:37.380 --> 00:31:38.080 and dimension 00:31:38.080 --> 00:31:39.759 that there won't be 00:31:39.759 --> 00:31:41.039 the need for marriage. 00:31:42.019 --> 00:31:42.240 Well, 00:31:43.700 --> 00:31:44.920 couples get into difficulty 00:31:44.920 --> 00:31:45.440 along the way 00:31:45.440 --> 00:31:45.820 and sometimes 00:31:45.820 --> 00:31:46.580 they don't finish well. 00:31:47.100 --> 00:31:47.740 So I want to give you 00:31:47.740 --> 00:31:48.320 four things 00:31:48.320 --> 00:31:49.080 that Gottman says 00:31:49.080 --> 00:31:49.560 and he says 00:31:49.560 --> 00:31:50.640 these are core things. 00:31:51.100 --> 00:31:51.420 He says 00:31:51.420 --> 00:31:52.400 if these four things 00:31:52.400 --> 00:31:53.800 are present in a marriage, 00:31:54.259 --> 00:31:55.860 there's a 94% chance 00:31:55.859 --> 00:31:56.439 that marriage 00:31:56.439 --> 00:31:57.159 is going to fail. 00:31:58.159 --> 00:31:58.959 So number one 00:31:58.959 --> 00:32:00.179 is contempt. 00:32:02.019 --> 00:32:02.459 Contempt. 00:32:02.919 --> 00:32:04.359 And that is the intention 00:32:04.359 --> 00:32:05.819 to insult, 00:32:06.419 --> 00:32:07.139 to hurt, 00:32:07.579 --> 00:32:08.539 or to damage 00:32:08.539 --> 00:32:09.419 your mate. 00:32:09.519 --> 00:32:10.319 It's things like 00:32:10.319 --> 00:32:10.979 name calling 00:32:10.979 --> 00:32:12.779 and hostile humor 00:32:12.779 --> 00:32:13.599 of ridicule, 00:32:14.000 --> 00:32:14.399 mocking, 00:32:14.979 --> 00:32:16.179 negative body language, 00:32:16.919 --> 00:32:17.759 sighs, 00:32:18.779 --> 00:32:19.399 eye rolling. 00:32:19.740 --> 00:32:20.059 Have you ever been 00:32:20.059 --> 00:32:21.000 talking to your mate 00:32:21.000 --> 00:32:21.740 and they do something 00:32:21.740 --> 00:32:22.279 like this? 00:32:22.279 --> 00:32:25.039 Or they just 00:32:25.039 --> 00:32:26.180 roll their eyes at you? 00:32:26.779 --> 00:32:27.960 How do you interpret that? 00:32:29.259 --> 00:32:29.420 Well, 00:32:29.460 --> 00:32:30.139 what Gottman says 00:32:30.139 --> 00:32:31.460 is they're sending you 00:32:31.460 --> 00:32:31.960 a message. 00:32:32.559 --> 00:32:33.180 That's a message 00:32:33.180 --> 00:32:33.819 of contempt 00:32:33.819 --> 00:32:34.680 and he says 00:32:34.680 --> 00:32:35.299 don't do it. 00:32:35.819 --> 00:32:36.299 The second one 00:32:36.299 --> 00:32:36.960 is criticism. 00:32:38.240 --> 00:32:38.480 Now, 00:32:39.379 --> 00:32:40.359 he makes a distinction 00:32:40.359 --> 00:32:41.119 between a criticism 00:32:41.119 --> 00:32:41.940 and a complaint. 00:32:42.420 --> 00:32:42.720 He says 00:32:42.720 --> 00:32:43.220 a criticism 00:32:43.220 --> 00:32:44.019 is global. 00:32:44.680 --> 00:32:45.160 A criticism 00:32:45.160 --> 00:32:46.099 is broad 00:32:46.099 --> 00:32:47.579 and a complaint 00:32:47.579 --> 00:32:48.220 is specific. 00:32:48.420 --> 00:32:48.899 A criticism 00:32:48.899 --> 00:32:49.700 is an attack 00:32:49.700 --> 00:32:50.379 on somebody 00:32:50.380 --> 00:32:52.100 and a complaint 00:32:52.100 --> 00:32:53.480 is pointing out 00:32:53.480 --> 00:32:54.120 something 00:32:54.120 --> 00:32:55.780 that can be done. 00:32:58.780 --> 00:33:00.000 Suppose that Mike 00:33:00.000 --> 00:33:02.620 is kind of 00:33:02.620 --> 00:33:03.760 sloppy at home 00:33:03.760 --> 00:33:05.860 and he gets ready 00:33:05.860 --> 00:33:06.340 to go to bed 00:33:06.340 --> 00:33:06.640 at night 00:33:06.640 --> 00:33:07.340 and he just 00:33:07.340 --> 00:33:08.200 throws clothes 00:33:08.200 --> 00:33:08.900 all over the place 00:33:08.900 --> 00:33:09.280 before he gets 00:33:09.280 --> 00:33:09.760 to the bedroom. 00:33:11.280 --> 00:33:11.660 And finally, 00:33:11.740 --> 00:33:12.740 his wife just had it. 00:33:12.980 --> 00:33:13.080 Oh, 00:33:13.120 --> 00:33:13.500 that's you. 00:33:14.800 --> 00:33:15.220 Oh, 00:33:15.260 --> 00:33:16.220 we'll just reverse it. 00:33:18.100 --> 00:33:18.500 So, 00:33:18.780 --> 00:33:19.580 and then 00:33:19.579 --> 00:33:20.819 she finally 00:33:20.819 --> 00:33:21.559 had it with him 00:33:21.559 --> 00:33:23.099 and she says, 00:33:23.879 --> 00:33:24.139 Mike, 00:33:24.199 --> 00:33:24.399 honey, 00:33:24.779 --> 00:33:25.460 look at this. 00:33:26.039 --> 00:33:26.460 I want you 00:33:26.460 --> 00:33:26.879 to pick up 00:33:26.879 --> 00:33:27.279 your clothes. 00:33:27.339 --> 00:33:27.899 I don't like it 00:33:27.899 --> 00:33:28.319 when you leave 00:33:28.319 --> 00:33:28.879 your clothes out. 00:33:29.599 --> 00:33:29.740 Now, 00:33:29.759 --> 00:33:30.359 that's a complaint. 00:33:30.519 --> 00:33:30.779 He can do 00:33:30.779 --> 00:33:31.379 something about that. 00:33:31.419 --> 00:33:32.259 She hasn't attacked him. 00:33:32.439 --> 00:33:33.439 But if she said, 00:33:33.879 --> 00:33:34.079 Mike, 00:33:34.159 --> 00:33:34.759 look at this, 00:33:34.859 --> 00:33:35.279 look at this, 00:33:35.500 --> 00:33:37.059 you are a slob. 00:33:37.740 --> 00:33:38.539 That's criticism 00:33:38.539 --> 00:33:39.179 because he's 00:33:39.179 --> 00:33:40.019 attacked his person. 00:33:40.539 --> 00:33:40.980 So, 00:33:41.119 --> 00:33:41.819 Gottman says 00:33:41.819 --> 00:33:42.439 marriages 00:33:42.439 --> 00:33:43.299 can thrive 00:33:43.299 --> 00:33:44.019 on complaints 00:33:44.019 --> 00:33:44.519 when they're 00:33:44.519 --> 00:33:45.299 delivered rightly 00:33:45.299 --> 00:33:47.119 but they'll dry up 00:33:47.119 --> 00:33:48.339 from criticism. 00:33:48.339 --> 00:33:49.419 The third thing 00:33:49.419 --> 00:33:50.439 is defensiveness. 00:33:51.639 --> 00:33:52.579 You retaliate 00:33:52.579 --> 00:33:53.299 against your mate 00:33:53.299 --> 00:33:53.839 in order to 00:33:53.839 --> 00:33:54.659 protect yourself. 00:33:54.980 --> 00:33:55.480 In other words, 00:33:55.559 --> 00:33:56.159 you make something 00:33:56.159 --> 00:33:56.639 the problem 00:33:56.639 --> 00:33:57.419 that's not a problem. 00:33:59.399 --> 00:34:00.399 For an example, 00:34:01.339 --> 00:34:02.099 you get married, 00:34:02.659 --> 00:34:03.059 guys, 00:34:03.480 --> 00:34:04.019 and you promise 00:34:04.019 --> 00:34:04.519 your wife, 00:34:04.879 --> 00:34:05.699 I'll always 00:34:05.699 --> 00:34:07.039 carry the garbage, 00:34:07.679 --> 00:34:08.420 put it in the can, 00:34:08.599 --> 00:34:09.119 I'll always 00:34:09.119 --> 00:34:09.860 push it out 00:34:09.860 --> 00:34:10.539 to the curb 00:34:10.539 --> 00:34:11.920 on the days 00:34:11.920 --> 00:34:12.400 when the truck 00:34:12.400 --> 00:34:13.259 comes to pick it up. 00:34:14.179 --> 00:34:14.759 And that 00:34:14.759 --> 00:34:15.799 goes good 00:34:15.799 --> 00:34:16.500 for three months 00:34:16.500 --> 00:34:17.000 and then you 00:34:17.000 --> 00:34:17.719 stop doing it. 00:34:17.719 --> 00:34:19.899 and the garbage 00:34:19.899 --> 00:34:20.859 just piles up 00:34:20.859 --> 00:34:21.839 right there 00:34:21.839 --> 00:34:22.639 in your mud room. 00:34:22.959 --> 00:34:23.459 Maybe spills 00:34:23.459 --> 00:34:24.159 over in the garage. 00:34:24.459 --> 00:34:24.799 And you know 00:34:24.799 --> 00:34:25.159 what happens 00:34:25.159 --> 00:34:25.579 to garbage 00:34:25.579 --> 00:34:26.039 if it sits 00:34:26.039 --> 00:34:26.719 around a few days? 00:34:27.980 --> 00:34:28.819 What happens? 00:34:30.559 --> 00:34:31.419 It stinketh. 00:34:31.500 --> 00:34:31.639 Yeah, 00:34:31.679 --> 00:34:32.179 it stinks. 00:34:33.079 --> 00:34:33.839 And she's 00:34:33.839 --> 00:34:34.500 just had it 00:34:34.500 --> 00:34:35.339 and she comes 00:34:35.339 --> 00:34:35.719 to you 00:34:35.719 --> 00:34:36.259 and says, 00:34:37.399 --> 00:34:38.139 you promised 00:34:38.139 --> 00:34:38.839 you would carry 00:34:38.839 --> 00:34:39.619 this garbage 00:34:39.619 --> 00:34:40.099 always out. 00:34:40.480 --> 00:34:41.099 The house 00:34:41.099 --> 00:34:42.459 smells as a stench. 00:34:43.000 --> 00:34:43.500 You need to 00:34:43.500 --> 00:34:44.319 take this garbage out. 00:34:44.419 --> 00:34:44.519 Well, 00:34:44.539 --> 00:34:45.219 he gets defensive 00:34:45.219 --> 00:34:46.759 and he says this, 00:34:46.760 --> 00:34:47.500 well, 00:34:47.560 --> 00:34:48.320 you don't cook 00:34:48.320 --> 00:34:48.640 anymore. 00:34:48.720 --> 00:34:49.400 You used to cook 00:34:49.400 --> 00:34:50.520 supper every, 00:34:50.620 --> 00:34:51.260 and you don't ever 00:34:51.260 --> 00:34:51.860 cook anymore. 00:34:52.000 --> 00:34:52.600 What's going on 00:34:52.600 --> 00:34:52.860 with that? 00:34:52.880 --> 00:34:53.420 And all of a sudden 00:34:53.420 --> 00:34:53.920 she's kind of 00:34:53.920 --> 00:34:54.480 backpedaling 00:34:54.480 --> 00:34:55.060 and she's thinking, 00:34:55.280 --> 00:34:55.640 wait a minute, 00:34:56.240 --> 00:34:56.840 is that true? 00:34:56.940 --> 00:34:57.460 I don't cook 00:34:57.460 --> 00:34:58.040 supper anymore? 00:34:58.780 --> 00:34:59.400 That's a simple 00:34:59.400 --> 00:34:59.980 illustration, 00:35:00.340 --> 00:35:00.860 but that's what 00:35:00.860 --> 00:35:01.800 defensiveness is. 00:35:01.980 --> 00:35:02.640 It's putting a 00:35:02.640 --> 00:35:03.260 problem out there 00:35:03.260 --> 00:35:04.040 that's not a problem 00:35:04.040 --> 00:35:05.520 in order to 00:35:05.520 --> 00:35:06.340 protect yourself 00:35:06.340 --> 00:35:07.120 against something 00:35:07.120 --> 00:35:07.920 that's presented 00:35:07.920 --> 00:35:08.380 to you. 00:35:09.000 --> 00:35:09.680 And then the last 00:35:09.680 --> 00:35:09.920 thing, 00:35:10.000 --> 00:35:10.460 the fourth one 00:35:10.460 --> 00:35:11.380 is stonewalling. 00:35:11.940 --> 00:35:12.280 And when you 00:35:12.280 --> 00:35:12.800 stonewall, 00:35:12.860 --> 00:35:13.680 you send a message. 00:35:14.640 --> 00:35:14.900 Have you ever 00:35:14.900 --> 00:35:15.540 heard of people 00:35:15.539 --> 00:35:16.460 in the south, 00:35:16.539 --> 00:35:17.099 I know this is 00:35:17.099 --> 00:35:17.380 true, 00:35:18.340 --> 00:35:19.079 that say that 00:35:19.079 --> 00:35:19.880 they're not getting 00:35:19.880 --> 00:35:20.480 along with each 00:35:20.480 --> 00:35:20.920 other and they 00:35:20.920 --> 00:35:21.059 say, 00:35:21.119 --> 00:35:21.639 what's going on? 00:35:21.659 --> 00:35:21.860 They say, 00:35:21.900 --> 00:35:22.539 we're not speaking 00:35:22.539 --> 00:35:23.039 to each other. 00:35:23.619 --> 00:35:23.980 You ever heard 00:35:23.980 --> 00:35:24.159 that? 00:35:25.400 --> 00:35:25.860 You ever seen 00:35:25.860 --> 00:35:26.599 people do that? 00:35:27.400 --> 00:35:28.119 Not speaking to 00:35:28.119 --> 00:35:28.480 each other? 00:35:29.340 --> 00:35:29.880 I remember 00:35:29.880 --> 00:35:30.759 watching my parents 00:35:30.759 --> 00:35:31.059 do it. 00:35:31.259 --> 00:35:31.920 One day I went in 00:35:31.920 --> 00:35:32.460 and they both were 00:35:32.460 --> 00:35:33.219 sick and I go in 00:35:33.219 --> 00:35:33.900 to see them and 00:35:33.900 --> 00:35:34.300 they're sitting on 00:35:34.300 --> 00:35:34.820 different ends of 00:35:34.820 --> 00:35:35.519 the couch and 00:35:35.519 --> 00:35:36.039 they're not talking 00:35:36.039 --> 00:35:36.519 to each other. 00:35:37.099 --> 00:35:37.860 And I'm there for 00:35:37.860 --> 00:35:38.860 several minutes and 00:35:38.860 --> 00:35:39.380 they're not talking 00:35:39.380 --> 00:35:39.820 to each other. 00:35:39.980 --> 00:35:40.659 They talk to me but 00:35:40.659 --> 00:35:41.179 they're not talking 00:35:41.179 --> 00:35:41.639 to each other. 00:35:42.420 --> 00:35:43.179 What's going on 00:35:43.179 --> 00:35:43.519 with y'all? 00:35:43.519 --> 00:35:44.400 We're not speaking 00:35:44.400 --> 00:35:44.860 to each other. 00:35:48.139 --> 00:35:48.699 Stonewalling is 00:35:48.699 --> 00:35:49.219 like that. 00:35:49.619 --> 00:35:51.440 It's a deliberate 00:35:51.440 --> 00:35:55.280 move to build a 00:35:55.280 --> 00:35:56.679 barrier to get 00:35:56.679 --> 00:35:57.539 away from dealing 00:35:57.539 --> 00:35:58.259 with the other 00:35:58.259 --> 00:35:58.639 person. 00:35:59.880 --> 00:36:00.380 Now the big 00:36:00.380 --> 00:36:01.000 question is, 00:36:01.420 --> 00:36:02.139 who does it the 00:36:02.139 --> 00:36:02.579 most? 00:36:03.380 --> 00:36:04.179 Men or women? 00:36:04.780 --> 00:36:05.800 We did this at the 00:36:05.800 --> 00:36:06.420 8 o'clock service, 00:36:06.480 --> 00:36:07.179 let's do it today. 00:36:07.579 --> 00:36:08.139 How many of you 00:36:08.139 --> 00:36:09.679 think women stonewall 00:36:09.679 --> 00:36:10.139 the most? 00:36:10.199 --> 00:36:10.800 Would you raise 00:36:10.800 --> 00:36:11.259 your hand? 00:36:13.519 --> 00:36:14.900 Oh, not many. 00:36:15.079 --> 00:36:15.599 Not many. 00:36:15.960 --> 00:36:16.460 How many of you 00:36:16.460 --> 00:36:17.440 think men do it 00:36:17.440 --> 00:36:17.780 the most? 00:36:17.840 --> 00:36:18.360 Would you raise 00:36:18.360 --> 00:36:18.820 your hand? 00:36:19.559 --> 00:36:20.119 Oh, and the rest 00:36:20.119 --> 00:36:21.380 of you are non-committed. 00:36:21.599 --> 00:36:21.820 I see. 00:36:23.280 --> 00:36:24.960 Gottman says 85% 00:36:24.960 --> 00:36:25.759 of the time it's 00:36:25.759 --> 00:36:26.420 done by men. 00:36:26.579 --> 00:36:27.719 And it goes back 00:36:27.719 --> 00:36:28.320 to what I said 00:36:28.320 --> 00:36:29.599 earlier, men 00:36:29.599 --> 00:36:30.579 stonewall because 00:36:30.579 --> 00:36:31.400 they don't want to 00:36:31.400 --> 00:36:32.259 have to deal with 00:36:32.259 --> 00:36:33.340 some of that messy 00:36:33.340 --> 00:36:34.860 emotional stuff that 00:36:34.860 --> 00:36:35.460 they may have to 00:36:35.460 --> 00:36:36.019 deal with. 00:36:36.960 --> 00:36:37.739 When all four 00:36:37.739 --> 00:36:38.519 things are present, 00:36:39.059 --> 00:36:39.699 Gottman says there's 00:36:39.699 --> 00:36:41.900 a 94% chance that 00:36:41.900 --> 00:36:42.659 marriage will fail. 00:36:42.659 --> 00:36:43.359 So if you want your 00:36:43.359 --> 00:36:44.199 marriage to last, 00:36:44.279 --> 00:36:44.940 these are four 00:36:44.940 --> 00:36:46.279 important principles 00:36:46.279 --> 00:36:47.500 to keep in mind. 00:36:48.719 --> 00:36:50.480 Life is short. 00:36:51.920 --> 00:36:54.259 James says it is a 00:36:54.259 --> 00:36:55.940 vapor that appears 00:36:55.940 --> 00:36:56.980 for a little while 00:36:56.980 --> 00:36:58.219 and then vanishes 00:36:58.219 --> 00:36:58.659 away. 00:36:59.659 --> 00:37:01.599 This year is going 00:37:01.599 --> 00:37:02.639 to be a banner year 00:37:02.639 --> 00:37:03.659 for Ann and myself. 00:37:04.579 --> 00:37:05.719 Coming up soon, 00:37:05.819 --> 00:37:06.500 she's going to have 00:37:06.500 --> 00:37:07.319 both her knees 00:37:07.319 --> 00:37:07.920 replaced. 00:37:09.039 --> 00:37:10.119 We are going to 00:37:10.119 --> 00:37:10.879 turn 65. 00:37:10.880 --> 00:37:12.220 We are going to 00:37:12.220 --> 00:37:13.000 sign up for 00:37:13.000 --> 00:37:14.200 Medicare this year. 00:37:17.420 --> 00:37:18.519 Looking back over 00:37:18.519 --> 00:37:20.980 the years, I wonder, 00:37:21.320 --> 00:37:22.059 you know, sometimes, 00:37:22.220 --> 00:37:23.519 how did they go by 00:37:23.519 --> 00:37:24.840 so fast? 00:37:25.000 --> 00:37:26.000 I used to hear old 00:37:26.000 --> 00:37:27.140 people say that 00:37:27.140 --> 00:37:28.480 when I was younger 00:37:28.480 --> 00:37:29.160 and I said, can't 00:37:29.160 --> 00:37:29.800 they talk about 00:37:29.800 --> 00:37:30.619 anything else? 00:37:31.579 --> 00:37:32.380 And then I got to 00:37:32.380 --> 00:37:33.300 be old and I 00:37:33.300 --> 00:37:34.480 realized, well, they 00:37:34.480 --> 00:37:35.079 were telling the 00:37:35.079 --> 00:37:35.340 truth. 00:37:35.440 --> 00:37:36.380 It's like, bam, 00:37:36.700 --> 00:37:37.720 it's gone. 00:37:37.719 --> 00:37:39.699 Life is short. 00:37:41.039 --> 00:37:41.859 Life is precious. 00:37:42.659 --> 00:37:43.559 Marriage is something 00:37:43.559 --> 00:37:44.639 given to us by God. 00:37:44.859 --> 00:37:45.659 It deserves our 00:37:45.659 --> 00:37:46.059 attention. 00:37:46.819 --> 00:37:47.659 It deserves our 00:37:47.659 --> 00:37:48.039 time. 00:37:48.159 --> 00:37:48.819 It deserves our 00:37:48.819 --> 00:37:49.279 energy. 00:37:50.099 --> 00:37:50.939 It deserves our 00:37:50.939 --> 00:37:52.000 commitment to God 00:37:52.000 --> 00:37:52.779 and to one another 00:37:52.779 --> 00:37:54.119 to do those things, 00:37:55.179 --> 00:37:56.099 to please that other 00:37:56.099 --> 00:37:57.019 person, to please 00:37:57.019 --> 00:38:01.480 God, to love him 00:38:01.480 --> 00:38:03.539 and to love our 00:38:03.539 --> 00:38:03.799 mate. 00:38:03.800 --> 00:38:08.000 Well, what's the 00:38:08.000 --> 00:38:08.480 state of your 00:38:08.480 --> 00:38:08.920 marriage? 00:38:10.200 --> 00:38:10.840 How are you 00:38:10.840 --> 00:38:11.420 getting along? 00:38:12.240 --> 00:38:13.080 If you're not 00:38:13.080 --> 00:38:13.800 married and you're 00:38:13.800 --> 00:38:14.980 preparing, you think 00:38:14.980 --> 00:38:15.800 someday you will be 00:38:15.800 --> 00:38:16.940 married, I hope 00:38:16.940 --> 00:38:17.780 you'll prepare for 00:38:17.780 --> 00:38:18.019 it. 00:38:18.700 --> 00:38:19.640 Don't just do it, 00:38:20.460 --> 00:38:21.300 prepare for it. 00:38:22.060 --> 00:38:22.700 But how about your 00:38:22.700 --> 00:38:23.180 marriage? 00:38:23.820 --> 00:38:24.460 You say, my marriage 00:38:24.460 --> 00:38:24.960 is great. 00:38:25.800 --> 00:38:26.320 Can you help 00:38:26.320 --> 00:38:26.660 others? 00:38:27.820 --> 00:38:28.519 Can you encourage 00:38:28.519 --> 00:38:28.900 others? 00:38:30.180 --> 00:38:30.760 Can you let them 00:38:30.760 --> 00:38:31.340 be a part of your 00:38:31.340 --> 00:38:31.720 life? 00:38:32.160 --> 00:38:32.720 Your marriage is 00:38:32.720 --> 00:38:33.220 going good. 00:38:33.800 --> 00:38:34.820 And if you're 00:38:34.820 --> 00:38:35.460 struggling in your 00:38:35.460 --> 00:38:38.039 marriage, try to 00:38:38.039 --> 00:38:38.780 put these things 00:38:38.780 --> 00:38:39.519 into practice 00:38:39.519 --> 00:38:41.440 because they work 00:38:41.440 --> 00:38:42.980 and your marriage 00:38:42.980 --> 00:38:43.760 can be better 00:38:43.760 --> 00:38:45.420 because of it. 00:38:46.160 --> 00:38:46.700 You know, one of 00:38:46.700 --> 00:38:47.280 the things they 00:38:47.280 --> 00:38:48.160 used to say, it's 00:38:48.160 --> 00:38:49.740 still true, that 00:38:49.740 --> 00:38:51.500 repetition is the 00:38:51.500 --> 00:38:52.140 mother of learning, 00:38:52.940 --> 00:38:53.660 that you repeat 00:38:53.660 --> 00:38:55.220 it enough, you 00:38:55.220 --> 00:38:56.039 repeat it enough, 00:38:56.539 --> 00:38:57.340 it becomes second 00:38:57.340 --> 00:38:58.120 nature with you. 00:38:58.960 --> 00:38:59.940 Just like some of 00:38:59.940 --> 00:39:00.539 these things. 00:39:00.840 --> 00:39:01.380 You repeat it 00:39:01.380 --> 00:39:02.940 enough, it becomes 00:39:02.940 --> 00:39:03.560 second nature. 00:39:03.800 --> 00:39:05.700 How's your 00:39:05.700 --> 00:39:06.220 marriage? 00:39:07.480 --> 00:39:07.940 How's your 00:39:07.940 --> 00:39:08.600 influence with 00:39:08.600 --> 00:39:08.980 others? 00:39:09.720 --> 00:39:10.560 Most importantly, 00:39:11.360 --> 00:39:11.840 how's your 00:39:11.840 --> 00:39:12.660 relationship with 00:39:12.660 --> 00:39:12.980 God? 00:39:14.120 --> 00:39:14.880 Do you know, 00:39:15.720 --> 00:39:16.800 do you walk with 00:39:16.800 --> 00:39:19.580 Jesus Christ as 00:39:19.580 --> 00:39:20.200 your Lord and 00:39:20.200 --> 00:39:20.440 Savior? 00:39:22.640 --> 00:39:23.160 Would you bow 00:39:23.160 --> 00:39:23.720 your heads? 00:39:25.640 --> 00:39:26.380 A musician is 00:39:26.380 --> 00:39:26.960 going to play, 00:39:27.080 --> 00:39:27.760 Jeff's going to be 00:39:27.760 --> 00:39:28.080 here. 00:39:28.079 --> 00:39:29.579 if God has 00:39:29.579 --> 00:39:30.099 spoken to your 00:39:30.099 --> 00:39:30.679 heart, you need 00:39:30.679 --> 00:39:31.179 to make some 00:39:31.179 --> 00:39:31.819 kind of public 00:39:31.819 --> 00:39:32.299 commitment. 00:39:32.960 --> 00:39:33.619 You have a 00:39:33.619 --> 00:39:34.239 prayer request, 00:39:34.319 --> 00:39:34.679 you have a 00:39:34.679 --> 00:39:35.460 concern, or God 00:39:35.460 --> 00:39:36.099 leads you in any 00:39:36.099 --> 00:39:37.179 other way, maybe 00:39:37.179 --> 00:39:38.079 to trust Christ. 00:39:39.440 --> 00:39:40.219 If God speaks to 00:39:40.219 --> 00:39:40.659 your heart and 00:39:40.659 --> 00:39:42.500 leads you, while 00:39:42.500 --> 00:39:44.119 she plays, but you 00:39:44.119 --> 00:39:46.299 listen to God, you 00:39:46.299 --> 00:39:47.179 come as He leads 00:39:47.179 --> 00:39:50.199 of one half of 00:39:50.199 --> 00:39:51.119 couple weeks. 00:39:51.119 --> 00:39:53.460 All right.