Well, good morning everyone.
I've not met you before, my name's Steve.
! Lee passed here at St. Paul's and we're starting a series, as we've said, on marriage.
! Marriage is finding that one special person that you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
That's one definition of marriage.
Love is blind, but marriage is the great eye-opener.
Love is one long, sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
My husband and I have agreed to never go to bed angry with each other,
and so far we've been awake for the last three days.
If you're married, you'll resonate with some of those sort of short quips, if you like.
The interesting thing is, though, you don't need to be married for that,
to see some of it from that perspective, because we all see marriage through a distorted lens.
And that distorted lens is our own experience of it.
If your experience is parents who had a fantastic marriage,
that may cause you to see marriage as something that is relatively easy.
And you may get a profound shock when yourself are married
and discover how hard it is to forge a great marriage.
If you have experienced a troubled marriage or a divorce,
either as a child or now as an adult,
your view of marriage may be wary, pessimistic even.
You may be entering marriage, particularly if you grew up in a bad marriage,
you may be entering marriage expecting of relationship problems,
or when they appear, you're very quickly to go,
ah, here we go, this is exactly what I anticipated.
You see, any experience of marriage we've had would cause us,
in one way or another, to be unprepared for it.
Marriage, as we see there in verse 32 of Ephesians 5,
is a profound mystery.
It's unlike any other relationship in the world.
And so we're going to spend this term trying to unravel,
if you like, this profound mystery.
The plan is to give both the married and the unmarried people amongst us here
a biblical vision of marriage according to the Bible,
according to Christianity.
And so this series is for the approximately 59% of us who are married
in our church family.
And the hope will be it will correct mistaken views
and mistaken views that may be right now harming your marriage
and hopefully bring you to a perspective of grace.
When Nat and I got married 9,962 days ago today,
not that anyone's counting,
we were like most young modern couples.
We found marriage to be much harder than we expected it to be.
Marriage is, in reality, the union of two people
who come together with life's baggage.
And so marriage is glorious, but it's also profoundly hard.
It is a burning joy and strength,
and yet it is also blood, sweat, and tears.
There are multitudes of humbling defeats and exhausting victories at the same time.
No marriage, I know, that is more than a few weeks old
could be described as a fairy trail come true.
Often, however, in the church, we don't talk like that.
We project an unhelpful view of marriage.
The thing is, I don't recall anyone saying to Nat and I
how hard it will be until one young couple said to us about,
asked us about 12 months into marriage,
how's your first 12 months been?
Because for us, it was a nightmare.
And you've been now married 20-odd years,
and it's like no one had ever said that to us.
Everyone talked about the honeymoon period.
That's all they talked about.
So it's for the marriage amongst us.
Secondly, we're doing this series for the 41% approximately
of unmarried people in our church family,
and hoping it will deal with any unhelpful over-desiring of marriage
or deal with any unhelpful, pessimistic dismissing of marriage.
Hopefully going to do that as well.
You see, single people need to...
They need a brutally realistic and yet glorious vision
of what marriage actually is and also what it can be.
And thirdly, we're doing this series,
and I must say primarily because of what we discovered
in Ephesians' last term.
We're actually doing this series because Ash said we should,
told me we should.
And he was right in that we got to the series in Ephesians
and we skipped over this one in one sermon,
and there's so much to unpack here
because the book of Ephesians reveals the position
and job description of the church
in affecting God's grand plan for all time and eternity.
And all of God's plans for eternity,
to make a people for himself,
to enjoy forever in his presence,
in unity through the Lord Jesus Christ,
is worked out in time and space through the church,
which the Bible describes as the bride of Christ.
I mentioned it many times last term.
The American pastor and theologian Jonathan Edwards said
that God created the entire universe
that the eternal Son of God might attain a spouse.
And so therefore, marriage, as we see it in the Bible,
is deeply connected to God's purposes for all things
and all time.
It's not a side point here.
It's not just a change of subject in Ephesians.
In Ephesians 5, we have the longest, most famous,
and, dare I say, controversial passage in the Bible on marriage.
And it's one that we can't just skip over.
And so I'm thankful to Ash for pushing me on this one.
And so the primary purpose, as we unpack this series,
is not tips on marriage.
It's not 10 takeaways to make your marriage a little bit healthier.
This is primarily theological.
It's primarily theological in understanding who God is
because that is what marriage does.
It helps us understand who God is.
And in understanding God, it helps us understand marriage.
That's where we're headed in the next number of weeks.
And you're probably going to have a bunch of questions,
and I may not answer any of them as we go through.
It's not marriage counselling, even though I dare say it should be helpful,
as even in my own preparation has been helpful for me.
So here's the three points for today.
We're going to look at, you know, it's really introductory, this sermon,
looking at marriage, broadly speaking, as it's shifted over time,
looking at the Bible's perspective,
and then finally we'll land on the mystery,
the profound mystery of marriage.
Okay, so first of all, marriage made over time.
In Western civilisations, there's been several competing views
as to what marriage is, what it should be.
Traditionally, over the centuries,
there's been the Catholic and the Protestant perspectives.
They're similar but different.
Similar in the sense that both taught that the purpose of marriage
was, or the institution of marriage,
was a lifelong devotion and love between a husband and a wife.
It was a solemn bond,
designed to help each other,
to subordinate individual impulses and interests
in favour of the union.
The Catholic Church, the Roman Catholic Church,
emphasised marriage as a sacrament of God's love.
Protestants understood marriage to be given by God,
not merely for Christians,
but in fact for the benefit of the entire of humanity.
Marriage was designed to build character
by bringing a male and a female together
into a binding partnership.
Now, these older traditional culture views,
and generally not just the Western civilisation,
but more traditional cultures have a similar view on this,
they taught that their members
to find meaning in duty
by embracing their assigned social roles
and carrying them out faithfully.
So personal meaning
was found through self-denial,
giving up one's freedoms,
and binding oneself to the duties
of marriage and family and society.
That's the traditional view.
That started to shift
in the 18th and 19th century,
particularly in Western civilisation,
which is now permeating most of the world
because we've got Hollywood and things like that.
It started to shift,
particularly being triggered
during the time of the Enlightenment.
The meaning of marriage in that season
came to be the freedom of the individual
to choose the life that most fulfils them personally.
That's the view that started to shift
in the 18th, 19th century.
And so marriage, with that view,
was being redefined
as finding emotional and sexual fulfilment
and self-actualisation.
That became the purpose of marriage.
And this new approach to marriage
saw marriage as a contract
between two parties
for mutual individual growth and satisfaction.
That is,
you married for yourself,
not for God,
not for society,
not for the other.
And spouses should, therefore,
this is the view,
be allowed to conduct their marriage
in any way they consider beneficial
for them personally.
And so broadly speaking,
what happened in the time of the Enlightenment
is this new perspective of marriage
privatised marriage.
It took it from the public sphere
to privatising it.
And it redefined its purpose
as individual gratification.
I can't tell you the number of couples
that are prepared for marriage
and you ask the question
about expectations
from broader families and so on,
and the vast majority say,
what does it matter?
We're the ones getting married.
It's our marriage after all.
It privatised marriage.
And so slowly but surely,
this newer understanding
of the meaning of marriage
became the dominant view in society,
which is what it is now.
It used to be a public institution
for the common good
and now it's a private arrangement
for the satisfaction of the individual.
Marriage used to be about us,
now it's about me.
And ironically,
one of the reasons for this shift
is the proponents of the new version of marriage,
the new view of marriage,
saw the old view of marriage
as being oppressive.
It's an oppressive view of marriage
and of life.
And the irony is
that this new view of marriage
actually puts a crushing burden
of expectations on marriage
and on spouses
in a way that more traditional understanding
of marriage never did.
And the particular burden
that is there nowadays
in the modern view of marriage
is this new idea
which arose out of the enlightenment,
the new idea of the compatible soulmate
that out there in the world
is the one.
The one.
And that concept is a,
the concept of compatibility
and the concept of a soulmate
is a very, very new development
in the institution of marriage.
And it creates an extreme idealism
that in turn leads to a deep pessimism.
You see, the new view of marriage
as self-realisation
has caused people
to first of all
want too much out of marriage
and yet also at the same time
not nearly enough out of marriage.
Men and women today
want a marriage
in which they can receive
emotional
and sexual satisfaction
from someone
who will simply
let them be
themselves.
They want a spouse
who is
fun,
intellectually stimulating,
sexually attractive,
where you've got
many common interests
and who on top of all of that
is entirely supportive
of your personal goals
and of the way
you are currently living
right now.
And that search,
looking for that person,
goes on and on
and on and on
trying to find them.
It takes
years.
Or in Nat's case,
it was pretty quick.
It does lead to a deep pessimism
in life
and for this concept
of marriage.
You see,
if your desire
is for a spouse
who will not demand
a lot of change
from you,
then you are looking
for a spouse
who is almost
completely together,
very low maintenance
and with virtually
no personal problems
at all,
you're looking for someone
who will not require
change
or demand
change.
not only
someone
who is
completely together
themselves,
but you're looking
for someone
who's prepared
to put up
with you
being not
completely together
yourself.
You are searching
therefore
for the ideal person,
happy,
healthy,
interesting,
stable,
wise,
content,
attractive,
together in life,
fully together
in life
and under 30.
Good luck
with that.
You see,
the assumption
that there is
someone out there
who is just
right for me
to marry
fails to
appreciate
the fact
that everyone
who gets
married
always,
everyone,
always
marries
the wrong
person.
They're going to be
doing it.
Did I just say that?
Yes,
I did just say that.
Every single
person
who marries
everyone,
they always
marry
the wrong
person.
And that's
because
we think
we know
the person
that we are
marrying
on that wedding
day,
but we
actually
don't.
Marriage
is a
journey
of
discovering
who
that
person
is.
What you
do when
you say
I do
is you
are marrying
a stranger.
Because even
when you
think you've
married the
right person,
it is just
a matter
of months
and they
will
change.
Because
marriage
brings you
into a
more
intense
proximity
to another
human being
than any
other
relationship.
And the
moment you
marry
someone
who
you think
you know,
by its
actual
definition,
marriage
begins to
change who
they are
in profound
ways.
There's not
a single
person who
can predict
the future.
There's not
a single
person who
on their
wedding day
knows how
their spouse
will change.
And so
the quest
for a
compatible
soulmate,
sorry,
compatible,
not
compatible,
you get
that anyway,
so compatible
soulmate is
an impossibility.
It's an
impossibility.
And so
we're faced
with a
problem with
the modern
view of
marriage.
Our
culture makes
individual
freedom,
personal
autonomy,
fulfillment,
the very
highest
values.
And the
reality is
every single
love
relationship.
But very
specifically
married
relationship
means the
loss of
those things.
And yet
choosing
to not
lose those
things and
therefore not
to commit
yourself to
another person
means you
lose yourself.
I think
no one put it
any clearer
than C.S.
Lewis in his
book,
The Four
Loves.
Love
anything and
your heart
will certainly
be wrung
and possibly
broken.
If you want
to make sure
of keeping
it intact,
you must give
your heart
to no one,
not even to
an animal.
Wrap it up
carefully,
round with
hobbies and
little luxuries.
Avoid all
entanglements.
Lock it up
safe in the
casket or the
coffin of your
selfishness.
But in that
casket,
safe,
dark,
motionless,
airless,
it will
change.
It will
not be
broken,
it will
become
unbreakable,
impenetrable,
irredeemable.
The alternative
is tragedy
or at least
to the risk
of tragedy
is damnation.
So which
do we
choose?
This brings
me to the
biblical view,
what the
Bible says
of our
marriage.
The
Bible begins
with the
wedding of
Adam and
Eve.
It ends
in the
book of
Revelation
with the
wedding of
Christ and
his church.
And there's
an awful
lot of
teaching in
the pages
in between
and examples
in the
pages in
between of
marriage.
And so the
beginning of
the Bible
records God
creating the
universe and
towards the
end of that
process of
creation,
we have
God saying
this,
let us
make man
in our
image.
This is
the, if you
like, the
earliest glimpse
of what is
the Christian
teaching on the
Trinity of God.
That is,
there is one
God,
Father,
Son,
and Holy
Spirit.
God's
plurality is
the thing
that's
It was
St. Augustine
who said that
the Trinity is
the only version of God
and the only version of
God and the only version of
ultimate reality that has
personal relationship,
intimate personal
relationship at its very
core.
Only the God of
Christianity is a
God of community.
God is a, in
himself, a
self-sufficient,
self-sustaining
community.
The technical term
is perichoresis,
a mutual
indwelling of
mutual
sacrificial love.
That is at the
core of
ultimate reality.
unity.
Three persons
delighting in
and loving
each other.
You see,
if God were a
singular being,
monotheistic
view,
then
love and
relationship
would be entirely
secondary to
God.
It would be
secondary to
ultimate reality.
That is,
love,
relationship,
community
would be
derived from,
not at the
center of.
And that's
the only way
that we can
come to
terms with
Genesis
chapter 2
verse 18
which says,
the Lord God
said,
it is not
good for
the man
to be
alone.
Every single
thing in the
creation account
up to this
point,
God said
is good.
This is the
only time
where he says
something is
not good.
God.
And the
missing piece
is Adam,
the man,
is made in
the image of
a God who
is us,
not me.
He was
made in the
image of an
eternal
community.
And so
personal
relationships are
the essence of
humanity.
Deep
relationship with
God,
deep relationship
with other
human beings
and particularly
deep relationship
with other
human beings
who are
different than
us.
And so
God creates
woman.
And the
last thing we
see in the
creation account
is that God
officiates at
the first
wedding in
Genesis chapter
2.
And when the
man sees the
woman, like
him but
different than
him, he
breaks out in
poetry and
exclaims,
oh boy,
wow,
at last,
this is it.
And so we
are meant to
conclude that
marriage to
our relationship
with God is
the most
profound
relationship in
all of
created order.
It reflects
the God who
made us.
God
reflects his
eternal
purposes to
bring humanity
into relationship
with himself and
be united with
himself through
the Lord Jesus
Christ forever.
So the
Bible doesn't
see marriage
as a human
institution that
is shaped by
culture as we
choose to shape
it.
It sees
marriage as
something that
is invented
by God
to display
something of
God and
his purposes
for humanity.
It sits
above culture.
Now, having
said that,
it's also a
human institution
and it reflects
the character
and the
particular human
culture in which
it's embedded.
But having
said that,
the Bible,
its teaching
on marriage,
does not
reflect a
particular
perspective of
any one
culture at
any one
time.
And so we
will unpack
this as we
go through
the rest of
Ephesians 5
and some of
the more
controversial
bits.
Controversial
bits because
of culturally
for our
time.
We're reading
it through a
lens of a
culture, not
through God's
purposes.
And so the
Bible challenges
our contemporary
Western culture's
narrative of
individual freedom
as the only
way to be
happy.
It also
critiques how
traditional
cultures perceive
the unmarried
adult to be
less than a
fully formed
human being.
Genesis
critiques the
institution of
polygamy.
It records it.
It doesn't
endorse it.
Because even
in the times of
Genesis, it
was accepted
cultural practice.
and so what
Genesis does
for us, it
records the
misery and
the havoc it
plays in
family relationships
and the
pain that it
caused and
particularly for
women.
The New
Testament writers
lift up long
term singleness
as a legitimate
way to live in
a way that is
countercultural to
our day and
countercultural to
traditional
communities and
societies.
And so what we
can't do is we
can't write off
the biblical view
of marriage as
being one
dimensional, as
being regressive
and culturally
obsolete.
You can't do
that.
The Bible also
tells us that
sin is the
source of all
relational
breakdown.
Because straight
after the first
wedding of Adam
and Eve, these
newlyweds rejected
God's rule over
their life.
They disobeyed
his commands,
went down the
path of self
realisation,
living for
themselves.
And what
happened in that
moment with Adam
and Eve was
immediately, it
was profound.
They went from
the wow,
unity,
they went from
total transparency
and vulnerability
to immediately
wanting to cover
themselves up,
to immediately
wanting to hide
themselves from
the one who
moments earlier
they went,
wow.
and so the main
reason no one
ever marries the
right person
is because all
of us since
that day
are broken
by sin
and we are
all profoundly
self-centred.
And so the
Bible's view of
marriage explains
why it is so
good and
important
and it
teaches
us
sin
is the
reason why
it makes
it so
hard.
That's the
biblical
perspective of
holding both
of those things
together.
So let's
jump very
quickly to
Ephesians 5
and the
mystery of
marriage.
That phrase,
if you like,
verse 32 is
the pinnacle
of
Ephesians 5
and this
passage on
marriage.
And the
one that I
think many
married people
can relate
to is
verse 32.
This is a
profound
mystery.
The Greek
word that
Paul uses
there is
mysterion
and it
has a
range of
meanings
including
the idea
of secret,
the idea
of a
secret.
And in
the Bible
the word
secret
means a
wondrous
unlooked
for truth
that God
is making
known through
his spirit.
We're not
looking for
it but God's
revealing it
through his
spirit.
That's what
the idea
is.
And this is
how he
describes
marriage.
In verse
31 he
quotes the
final verse
of the
Genesis
account of
the first
marriage.
A man
shall leave
his father
and mother
and be
united to
his wife
and the
two shall
become one
flesh.
and then
he adds
this is
a profound
mystery or
quite literally
this is a
mega
mysterion.
It's an
extraordinarily
great,
wonderful and
profound
truth that
can be
understood
only with
the help
of God's
spirit.
what is the
secret of
marriage?
What is the
mystery, the
profound
mystery?
Paul
immediately
adds it.
I am
talking about
Christ and
the church.
That's the
mystery of
marriage.
And when he
says about
that, what
he's referring
to is verse
25.
A husband,
love your
wives just
as Christ
loved the
church and
gave himself
up for
her.
See, the
profound
mystery is
not marriage
per se.
The profound
mystery is
what husbands
should do for
their wives
is what
Jesus has
already done
to bring us
into union
with the
God who's
created us.
That's the
profound
mystery.
Jesus gave
himself up
for us.
the profound
mystery is
that every
marriage is
a snapshot
of the
union
between
God
and his
spouse,
his people,
the church.
Every
marriage.
Jesus,
God the
son,
though equal
with the
father,
gave up
his glory,
humbled
himself,
took on
our human
nature.
He
willingly
lowered
himself
further
down even
still by
dying on a
Roman cross,
paying the
penalty for
our sin of
rejecting God
and pursuing
self-actualization.
And in doing
so, he removes
our guilt and
our condemnation
so that we
can be united
with him and
take on his
glorious nature.
He gave up
his infinite
glory.
He broke an
eternal
relationship and
became a
slave.
He died to
his own
self-interest
and looked
to our
interests
instead.
Jesus'
sacrificial
service to
us has
brought us
into a
deep union
with him
and he
with us.
And Paul
says that
the key to
not only
understanding
marriage,
but living
marriage,
is that.
as one
commentator
put it,
when God
designed the
original marriage,
he already
had Christ
and the
church in
mind.
This is
one of
God's great
purposes in
marriage,
to picture
the relationship
between Christ
and his
redeeming people
forever.
It's like
God had
planned out
the grand
plan.
The grand
plan was to
bring a
people,
unite his
son to
his spouse,
the bride
of Christ,
the church,
for all of
eternity,
in his
presence,
where they
would enjoy
the presence
of God,
they would
enjoy a
relationship,
a mutual
love,
for all of
eternity,
and they're
like,
okay,
so in the
meantime,
how do we
reveal something
of that so
that people can
grasp that
which is
profoundly
ungraspable,
graspable,
whatever that
word is.
How do we
do that?
Marriage,
between a
man or
woman.
That'll be
the picture
that will
reveal the
reality.
Marriage,
as the
Bible
describes it,
because of
Christ and
what he has
done for us,
is not
inherently
oppressive at
all.
Paul shows
us that even
on earth,
Jesus did
not use his
power to
oppress us,
but he
sacrificed
everything to
bring us
into union
with him.
This deeply,
deeply impacts
marriage on a
practical level.
If God
had the
gospel of
salvation through
Jesus in
mind when he
established
marriage,
then marriage
flourishes
to the
degree it
follows that
pattern of
God's
self-giving
love in
Christ.
What Paul
is saying
is that
marriage is
not inherently
oppressive and
restrictive,
nor are its
demands
overwhelming.
Feeling stuck
in your
marriage?
or Paul
says,
you do
for your
spouse
what God
did for
you in
Jesus and
the rest
will follow.
The mystery
of marriage
is that the
gospel of
Jesus and
marriage actually
explain one
another.
When God
invented
marriage,
he already
had the
saving work
of Jesus
in mind.
So is
the purpose
of marriage
to deny
your interest
for the
good of
your family
and society
at large,
or is it
to assert
your interest
for the
fulfillment
of yourself?
Which one
is it?
Because
traditional
and modern
marriages
puts a
choice
between
those two
things.
The Bible
does not
present
marriage
as a
choice
between
fulfillment
and
sacrifice.
Christianity
sees marriage
as mutual
fulfillment
through
mutual
sacrifice.
Jesus
humbled
himself,
lay
aside
his
glory
and
gave
himself
over
to
death
to
save
us
and
to
make
us
his.
And
now
we
give
ourselves
up.
We
die
to
ourselves
first
when we
repent
and believe
the gospel
and later
as we
submit to
his
will
day
by
day.
You
see
when we
give
ourselves
to
Jesus
completely
surrender
ourselves
to
Jesus
we
discover
it's
radically
safe
radically
safe
because
he has
already
shown
us
that
he
is
willing
to
go
to
hell
and
back
for
us.
Surrending
oneself
to
Jesus
does
not
mean
losing
yourself
at
all.
It
means
in
fact
gaining
yourself.
His
love
is
unconditional
and
so
what
the
mystery
of
marriage
does
is
it
reveals
the
beauty
and
the
depths
of
the
gospel
to
you
and
marriage
will
drive
you
further
into
reliance
on
it.
Marriage
is a
major
vehicle
for the
gospel's
remaking
of your
heart
from the
inside
out
and of
your
life
from the
ground
up.
the
reason
that
marriage
is so
painful
and yet
so
wonderful
is
because
it
reflects
the
gospel
which
is
both
painful
and
wonderful
at
the
same
time.
The
gospel
declares
to all
of us
that we
are more
sinful
and evil
and selfish
than we
would ever
ever
imagine
or allow
us to
even
think of
ourselves
in that
way.
and yet
at the
very
same
time
we
are
more
loved
and
accepted
in
Jesus
Christ
than
we
ever
dreamed
that
we
would
ever
be
loved.
And
that's
the
only
kind
of
relationship
that
will
ultimately
transform
us
because
love
without
truth
of who
we
are
is
actually
weak.
It
affirms
us
in all
of our
faults
in all
of our
failings
and there's
no
change.
Truth
without
love
is
harsh
because
it gives
us
information
we just
frankly
do not
want to
hear
and
can't
hear.
And so
it
crushes
us.
But
God's
saving
love
in
Christ
is
marked
by
both
radical
truthfulness
about
who
we
are
and
yet
also
radical
unconditional
love
commitment
to us
even
though
we
are
who
we
are.
The
merciful
commitment
strengthens
us to
see the
truth about
ourselves
and to
change.
The
conviction
and
repentance
moves us
to cling
to and
rest in
God's
mercy
and
grace
and
love.
And so
the hard
times of
marriage
drive us
to experience
more of
this
transforming
love of
God
and a
good
marriage
will always
be a
place
where we
experience
this kind
of transforming
love.
We'll
experience
both.
The gospel
can fill
our hearts
with God's
love so
that we can
handle it
when our
spouse fails
to love us
as we think
they should
love us
or when
they point
out the
falls and
the
failures.
You see
the security
of God's
love means
that we
can speak
to our
spouse's
sins and
flaws
while also
loving and
accepting them
fully because
we are already
loved and
accepted fully
in Jesus.
And when
our spouse
experiences that
same kind
of truthfulness
but also
commitment to
us,
it enables
them to
show us
that same
kind of
transforming
love when
it's their
time for
it too.
That's the
profound mystery
of marriage.
It helps
us understand
the gospel
in a profound
and a deep
way.
And that's
the bedrock,
that's the
foundation,
that's the
pinnacle,
and that
foundation
then gets
unpacked in
profound ways
in the coming
weeks.
And next week
we'll look at
the power
that is
needed to
live such
a marriage
relationship.