WEBVTT 00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:06.000 Becky, I don't want to have to tell you again. Turn your light out and go to sleep. It's almost 11 o'clock. 00:00:14.000 --> 00:00:18.000 ! Honey, you haven't said much all evening. Is anything wrong? 00:00:18.000 --> 00:00:22.000 No. Nothing worth talking about. 00:00:22.000 --> 00:00:27.000 Are you still worried about that thing with your parents? 00:00:27.000 --> 00:00:33.000 Look, I'm sorry I was tied up at the office, but the project will be over soon and then everything will be back to normal. 00:00:33.000 --> 00:00:35.000 I'll believe that when I see it. 00:00:35.000 --> 00:00:41.000 Look, everything will be better tomorrow morning. Why don't you finish up here and then come on to bed, okay? 00:00:41.000 --> 00:00:48.000 Jerry, you really amaze me. Do you honestly think we can solve this problem in bed? 00:00:50.000 --> 00:00:55.000 As you can see, sexuality in marriage is an extremely sensitive area. 00:00:55.000 --> 00:00:59.000 And yet no thorough discussion of marriage can ignore the role of sex. 00:00:59.000 --> 00:01:04.000 It's not the biggest problem area in marriage, but sometimes it may seem that way. 00:01:04.000 --> 00:01:08.000 Dr. Carl Brickene believes that sex is God's idea. 00:01:08.000 --> 00:01:22.000 So beginning with the Bible, he will candidly discuss the spiritual dimension of sex and some areas where adults are misinformed and differences in male-female sexual stimulation and response. 00:01:22.000 --> 00:01:28.000 Due to the sensitive nature of the next two sessions, they're recommended for mature teenagers and adults. 00:01:28.000 --> 00:01:33.000 Let's join Dr. Carl Brickene for speaking frankly about sex. 00:01:33.000 --> 00:01:36.000 Dr. Carl Brickene for speaking frankly about sex. 00:01:36.000 --> 00:01:40.000 This is by far the most difficult session of our seminar. 00:01:40.000 --> 00:01:45.000 The reason for that is because we're talking about human sexuality. 00:01:45.000 --> 00:01:56.000 And most of us are very uncomfortable talking about human sexuality in anything except the most private possible kind of setting. 00:01:56.000 --> 00:02:06.000 But because that's true, two or three things have happened that we believe have had a negative impact on family life. 00:02:06.000 --> 00:02:13.000 And so these things have caused us to include this body of material in this seminar that you are being part of. 00:02:13.000 --> 00:02:32.000 One of the things that has happened is that we have a number of young people growing up and never hearing anyone from the church, sometimes from their own families, anyone that they respect as being a real Christian, talk about human sexuality. 00:02:32.000 --> 00:02:40.000 And what happens as a result of that is our young people sometimes grow up thinking good people don't have sexual needs. 00:02:40.000 --> 00:02:42.000 Good people don't have any sexual drives. 00:02:42.000 --> 00:02:53.000 And so when they reach that time of their life, when they begin to sense sexual needs and sexual drives, it's very automatic for them to think I must be a bad person. 00:02:53.000 --> 00:02:58.000 Because the only ones talking about sex are the bad people of the world. 00:02:58.000 --> 00:03:00.000 The good people are quiet on this subject. 00:03:00.000 --> 00:03:02.000 So I must be a bad person. 00:03:02.000 --> 00:03:04.000 And that's tragic. 00:03:04.000 --> 00:03:18.000 Another thing that has happened is that there are a lot of couples, both old and young, who are having very serious sexual problems in their marriages and think that there is no help. 00:03:18.000 --> 00:03:32.000 They are ashamed or a little bit hesitant at least to go to a counselor and say, we've been married three months or we've been married 15 years and we still don't have the problems worked out in the physical area of our lives. 00:03:32.000 --> 00:03:46.000 And so the information is fairly solid that a lot of couples spend the duration of their married lives unfulfilled, at least one or the other of the partners unfulfilled, in this particular dimension of life. 00:03:46.000 --> 00:04:00.000 And so when we began to talk about the marriage enrichment seminar, one of the things that we said was we want to spend some time talking, talking sensitively, nevertheless talking about the sexual relationship in the marriage. 00:04:00.000 --> 00:04:01.000 And so that's what we're going to do. 00:04:01.000 --> 00:04:07.000 Let me share with you a letter that says it, I think, as well as anything that I've ever read. 00:04:07.000 --> 00:04:11.000 It came after one of our seminars in another state. 00:04:11.000 --> 00:04:16.000 And it's written by a young man who had been married at the time that he wrote the letter. 00:04:16.000 --> 00:04:18.000 He'd been married 14 years. 00:04:18.000 --> 00:04:24.000 He was a high school teacher, had a college degree and one graduate degree. 00:04:24.000 --> 00:04:26.000 His wife was also a college graduate. 00:04:26.000 --> 00:04:39.000 And yet his letter says, yet during all that time in education, neither of us once heard any Christian say any more about sex than that it was sinful, dirty, bad, etc. 00:04:39.000 --> 00:04:49.000 He says, we have two children, once 13 and then the other 10, but they were planned according as we understood it, that God's plan for the woman was to bear children. 00:04:49.000 --> 00:04:55.000 But we would never have thought of having sex just for pleasure because we had both been taught that it was so wrong. 00:04:55.000 --> 00:05:01.000 In fact, I don't think my wife's parents ever mentioned sex in any way whatsoever, good or bad. 00:05:01.000 --> 00:05:08.000 He says, we've had sexual relations a few times since the seminar and I feel like someone who's just shoplifted something and gotten away with it. 00:05:08.000 --> 00:05:24.000 Now, that's sad, isn't it, for a married man to say, I feel like I have committed some kind of sin when I've had the sexual relationship with my wife. 00:05:24.000 --> 00:05:30.000 He concludes the letter by saying, we had what I think was a good marriage without sex and I never felt that I was missing anything. 00:05:30.000 --> 00:05:35.000 Granted, I had heard non-Christians talking about having sex, but I just considered the source. 00:05:35.000 --> 00:05:41.000 I had never heard members of the church discussing sex before, except for my dad telling me never to touch a girl. 00:05:41.000 --> 00:05:51.000 And there's a recent Harvard-based study on human sexuality that says that parents aren't really doing the job very well either. 00:05:51.000 --> 00:06:02.000 This study discovered that most modern parents are doing about what their own parents did with regard to sex education and that's almost nothing. 00:06:02.000 --> 00:06:13.000 And so, we want to talk a little bit about this very important, very fundamental part of the marriage relationship. 00:06:13.000 --> 00:06:26.000 I want to share with you some comments on six passages of Scripture that I believe have something very special to say about the sexual relationship between husband and wife. 00:06:26.000 --> 00:06:37.000 The first of them is Genesis chapter 1, verses 27 and 28, where God says, where Moses writes, so God created man in his own image. 00:06:37.000 --> 00:06:43.000 In the image of God, he created him male and female. He created them. 00:06:43.000 --> 00:06:49.000 And God blessed them and God said to them, be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth and subdue it. 00:06:49.000 --> 00:06:55.000 And the comment that I like to make on that passage is to say that sex is God's idea. 00:06:55.000 --> 00:07:06.000 I believe we act sometimes as though sex is the product of some modern, wicked, evil, vulgar, pornographic mind. 00:07:06.000 --> 00:07:11.000 And I think the Christian of all the people in the world ought to be one to say, it is not. 00:07:11.000 --> 00:07:13.000 Sex is God's idea. 00:07:13.000 --> 00:07:18.000 Verse 18, the Lord God said, it's not good that the man should be alone. 00:07:18.000 --> 00:07:21.000 I will make him a helper fit for him. 00:07:21.000 --> 00:07:29.000 And when God made that helper fit for man, she was a sexual being. 00:07:29.000 --> 00:07:34.000 God had already designed the man for a sexual partner. 00:07:34.000 --> 00:07:49.000 And when God created this helper fit for the man, he created her, a sexual being designed physically to fit his body in a sexual relationship that would be God ordained. 00:07:49.000 --> 00:08:02.000 And then in Genesis chapter 2, verse 24, you are reminded that God said, therefore, a man leaves his father and his mother and he cleaves to his wife and they become one flesh. 00:08:02.000 --> 00:08:10.000 It is God's design for their relationship that the two of them in the marriage relationship become one flesh. 00:08:10.000 --> 00:08:16.000 And that one flesh relationship is basically the sexual relationship between a husband and wife. 00:08:16.000 --> 00:08:25.000 And then when you come to the New Testament material, there is a passage in Hebrews chapter 13, verse 4, that is extremely important to our study. 00:08:25.000 --> 00:08:31.000 In Hebrews 13, 4, the Hebrew writer says, let marriage be held in honor among all. 00:08:31.000 --> 00:08:38.000 And let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the among all and the adulterous. 00:08:38.000 --> 00:08:47.000 It's interesting to note that the word translated marriage bed is from the Greek word koitus, which all of us recognize. 00:08:47.000 --> 00:09:00.000 And so that passage could be translated, let marriage be held in honor among all and let sexual intercourse in the marriage relationship be undefiled. 00:09:00.000 --> 00:09:04.000 Now, for God will judge the among all and the adulterous. 00:09:04.000 --> 00:09:16.000 The Hebrew writer makes no mistake that God is going to hold responsible and guilty those who involve themselves in sexual relationships outside of the marriage. 00:09:16.000 --> 00:09:23.000 But within the marriage, it is a sacred, holy relationship in the eyes of the Almighty God. 00:09:23.000 --> 00:09:30.000 Your marriage bed is a sacred, holy place in the eyes of Almighty God. 00:09:30.000 --> 00:09:34.000 And that's something that a married couple should be able to celebrate. 00:09:34.000 --> 00:09:46.000 And then there's a passage in 1 Thessalonians 4 that my friend Paul Faulkner has talked about earlier in the seminar, but it's an important passage in this study and we want to focus in this particular regard. 00:09:46.000 --> 00:09:59.000 1 Thessalonians 4, verses 4 and 5 read that each one of you know how to take a wife for himself in holiness and honor, not in the passion of lust like heathen who do not know God. 00:09:59.000 --> 00:10:02.000 Paul says a man needs to know how to take a wife for himself. 00:10:02.000 --> 00:10:08.000 As a matter of fact, I'm convinced that most men need some training in how to take a wife. 00:10:08.000 --> 00:10:19.000 And Paul lays it down in no uncertain terms that the beginning of that training is to say to a young man, don't marry just to have a bed partner. 00:10:19.000 --> 00:10:28.000 And when you look for a companion for the rest of your life, don't look at her as though you are looking even primarily for a bed partner. 00:10:28.000 --> 00:10:32.000 What you're looking for is a life partner. 00:10:32.000 --> 00:10:46.000 You're looking for someone to share not just the moments in bed, but you're looking for someone to share your boredom, your work, your leisure, your life. 00:10:46.000 --> 00:10:53.000 Someone to share your joys and someone to share your sorrows and someone to share your relationship with your children. 00:10:53.000 --> 00:10:57.000 There are all kinds of things that are involved in this relationship. 00:10:57.000 --> 00:11:03.000 But the Apostle Paul is saying that we need to learn to take a wife in holiness and in honor. 00:11:03.000 --> 00:11:05.000 She's a person. 00:11:05.000 --> 00:11:14.000 And one of the things that I like to say to young women is I think you need to be careful when you think of yourself as sexy. 00:11:14.000 --> 00:11:25.000 I think a young woman who thinks of herself as being sexy and tries to attract attention because she's sexy, when she gets what she's after, she won't like it. 00:11:25.000 --> 00:11:32.000 Because it's really insulting to see her only as a sex object. 00:11:32.000 --> 00:11:37.000 I think the same thing applies to a man who tries to attract attention because he's macho. 00:11:37.000 --> 00:11:41.000 He thinks on the outside that's probably a pretty good idea. 00:11:41.000 --> 00:11:43.000 I like to be thought of as a macho man. 00:11:43.000 --> 00:11:50.000 But when someone sees him that way, there is a tendency to think of him as an object instead of as a person. 00:11:50.000 --> 00:11:58.000 And I think that the Apostle Paul is tapping at the base of this problem in our culture, maybe in all of humanity. 00:11:58.000 --> 00:12:05.000 So many years ago when he said a man needs to know how to take a wife for himself in holiness and in honor, not in passion of lust. 00:12:05.000 --> 00:12:14.000 Now, the other passage that I want to deal with as we begin to talk about human sexuality is the passage in 1 Corinthians chapter 7. 00:12:14.000 --> 00:12:22.000 The Corinthians have obviously written the Apostle Paul some letters, maybe more than one, asking some questions. 00:12:22.000 --> 00:12:28.000 And so Paul begins the chapter by saying that concerning the things about which he wrote. 00:12:28.000 --> 00:12:32.000 And he begins to talk about these things that they have obviously written about. 00:12:32.000 --> 00:12:39.000 And in verse 2, just the second verse, he begins by saying that because of the temptation to immorality, 00:12:39.000 --> 00:12:43.000 each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband. 00:12:43.000 --> 00:12:53.000 Now, notice before we go further into this passage that it is legitimate for a husband and wife to expect children in their relationship. 00:12:53.000 --> 00:12:59.000 And that's a legitimate function of the sexual relationship between a husband and wife. 00:12:59.000 --> 00:13:03.000 But that is not the only legitimate function of the sexual relationship. 00:13:03.000 --> 00:13:05.000 We know that that's true. 00:13:05.000 --> 00:13:12.000 Because in this passage, Paul is talking at length about human sexuality and he never once mentions babies. 00:13:12.000 --> 00:13:14.000 That's not what he's talking about. 00:13:14.000 --> 00:13:20.000 Here he's talking about the satisfaction of the sexual desires of husband and wife. 00:13:20.000 --> 00:13:23.000 And so begin again with me in verse 2 as Paul says, 00:13:23.000 --> 00:13:30.000 But because of the temptation to immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband. 00:13:30.000 --> 00:13:35.000 The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights and likewise the wife to her husband. 00:13:35.000 --> 00:13:39.000 For the wife does not rule over her own body, but the husband does. 00:13:39.000 --> 00:13:43.000 Likewise, the husband does not rule over his own body, but the wife does. 00:13:43.000 --> 00:13:47.000 And verse 5 says, Do not refuse one another. 00:13:47.000 --> 00:13:49.000 That's a biblical command. 00:13:49.000 --> 00:13:53.000 The King James translates it, Defraud ye not one the other. 00:13:53.000 --> 00:13:58.000 Cause the withholding of sexual privileges in the marriage relationship fraud. 00:13:58.000 --> 00:14:02.000 This translation says, Do not refuse one another. 00:14:02.000 --> 00:14:07.000 Except perhaps by agreement for a season that you may devote yourselves to prayer, 00:14:07.000 --> 00:14:12.000 but then come together again, lest Satan tempt you through lack of self-control. 00:14:12.000 --> 00:14:17.000 Now, let me discuss very quickly some positive purposes of sex in a healthy marriage 00:14:17.000 --> 00:14:23.000 and then some problem areas in the sexual relationship in marriage. 00:14:23.000 --> 00:14:29.000 And then we'll talk about some differences between male and female with regard to human sexuality. 00:14:29.000 --> 00:14:34.000 The first positive purpose of sex in a healthy marriage is reproduction. 00:14:34.000 --> 00:14:42.000 God intended for every baby to have both a mama and a daddy who loved each other and loved that baby. 00:14:42.000 --> 00:14:47.000 And it's very obvious in the design of a family by God that that's true. 00:14:47.000 --> 00:14:51.000 Most of you are aware that a baby cannot live the first year of his life without love. 00:14:51.000 --> 00:14:56.000 You can keep him clean and you can feed him a perfectly balanced healthy diet, 00:14:56.000 --> 00:15:02.000 but without human contact, without human love, a child will die the first year of his life. 00:15:02.000 --> 00:15:05.000 I believe that God designed him that way. 00:15:05.000 --> 00:15:09.000 And God gives us nine months of notice for the baby to come so that we can make preparation 00:15:09.000 --> 00:15:11.000 for receiving that baby into the family. 00:15:11.000 --> 00:15:16.000 And my visualization of that is that when a baby is about to be born, 00:15:16.000 --> 00:15:20.000 you visualize mom and dad in each other's arms in love, sharing life. 00:15:20.000 --> 00:15:24.000 And as a baby is born, they just back up and put their arms around the baby. 00:15:24.000 --> 00:15:27.000 And a second one is born and they back up and put their arms around a second one. 00:15:27.000 --> 00:15:31.000 And ten are born and you just have a family standing with their arms around each other. 00:15:31.000 --> 00:15:39.000 Because a family, biblically, is a place where you're loved, where you're accepted, where you belong, 00:15:39.000 --> 00:15:45.000 where somebody cares about who you are and what you're doing and what you're all about 00:15:45.000 --> 00:15:47.000 and how you feel about things. 00:15:47.000 --> 00:15:51.000 And so the first positive purpose of sex in a healthy marriage is reproduction. 00:15:51.000 --> 00:15:53.000 A second is pleasure. 00:15:53.000 --> 00:16:00.000 God intended for the sexual relationship between a husband and wife to be a pleasurable relationship. 00:16:00.000 --> 00:16:06.000 And the sexual climax is the greatest physical pleasure in the world. 00:16:06.000 --> 00:16:14.000 In 1970, Masters and Johnson wrote the first book that they were to write for a non-professional audience. 00:16:14.000 --> 00:16:16.000 And the title of it was The Pleasure Bond. 00:16:16.000 --> 00:16:24.000 And the thesis of it was that the pleasure of the sexual relationship holds two people together in a long-term relationship. 00:16:24.000 --> 00:16:27.000 The second positive purpose of sex in a healthy marriage is pleasure. 00:16:27.000 --> 00:16:29.000 A third is unity. 00:16:29.000 --> 00:16:34.000 There is nothing in the world that draws two people together and gives them a sense of uniqueness. 00:16:34.000 --> 00:16:39.000 Like this relationship that is shared only between the two of them. 00:16:39.000 --> 00:16:46.000 You see, God's design of this is that this relationship should never be shared with anyone else before marriage. 00:16:46.000 --> 00:16:51.000 And after the wedding takes place, never shared with anyone outside the marriage. 00:16:51.000 --> 00:17:03.000 And so this relationship brings to the couple tremendous power to bring them into a unit and make them one. 00:17:03.000 --> 00:17:07.000 Unity is a third positive purpose of sex in a healthy marriage. 00:17:07.000 --> 00:17:09.000 And a fourth is to reaffirm our identity. 00:17:09.000 --> 00:17:13.000 From the time we were born, we were either male or female. 00:17:13.000 --> 00:17:17.000 When you were born, a nurse came in or someone came in and said to your dad, 00:17:17.000 --> 00:17:21.000 Congratulations, you're the father of a bouncing baby boy. 00:17:21.000 --> 00:17:23.000 A bouncing baby girl. 00:17:23.000 --> 00:17:26.000 From the time we were born, we were either male or female. 00:17:26.000 --> 00:17:31.000 And in the sexual relationship in marriage, that identity is reaffirmed. 00:17:31.000 --> 00:17:34.000 Now let's turn and look for a moment at some sources of problems. 00:17:34.000 --> 00:17:37.000 And we'll deal quickly with the first three. 00:17:37.000 --> 00:17:41.000 Ignorance is a tremendous problem in the sexual relationship. 00:17:41.000 --> 00:17:42.000 Guilt is a second. 00:17:42.000 --> 00:17:44.000 And fear is a third. 00:17:44.000 --> 00:17:51.000 A fourth source of problems in the marriage relationship and the sexual part of the marriage relationship 00:17:51.000 --> 00:17:58.000 is problems related to external factors such as long working hours and heavy stress and lack of privacy. 00:17:58.000 --> 00:18:01.000 I remember several years ago, I had a young man walk into my office. 00:18:01.000 --> 00:18:04.000 He was 22 years of age, senior in the university. 00:18:04.000 --> 00:18:06.000 It was long in the spring. 00:18:06.000 --> 00:18:08.000 And he said, Dr. Brickeen, I've lost my sex drive. 00:18:08.000 --> 00:18:11.000 He said, my wife and I have been married since August. 00:18:11.000 --> 00:18:13.000 This is our last year in college. 00:18:13.000 --> 00:18:16.000 And he said, the first few months of our life together was very delightful. 00:18:16.000 --> 00:18:19.000 We both enjoyed immensely that part of our lives. 00:18:19.000 --> 00:18:25.000 But he said, now, since about the first of the year, I have been completely unable to function sexually. 00:18:25.000 --> 00:18:29.000 And he said, it's very frustrating to us and it's frightening to me. 00:18:29.000 --> 00:18:32.000 Frightening to my wife too, but frightening to me in a very unique way. 00:18:32.000 --> 00:18:35.000 We began to talk about his physical health and what he'd been doing. 00:18:35.000 --> 00:18:37.000 We began to talk about the physical aspects of it. 00:18:37.000 --> 00:18:42.000 And I discovered that here was a young man, 22 years of age, finishing college. 00:18:42.000 --> 00:18:48.000 He was taking 18 hours of college work, making straight A's his senior year, 00:18:48.000 --> 00:18:53.000 working 40 hours a week to support himself and his wife. 00:18:53.000 --> 00:19:01.000 And he had worked himself to a complete physical frazzle and it had rendered him temporarily impotent. 00:19:01.000 --> 00:19:04.000 But he needed desperately to talk to someone about that. 00:19:04.000 --> 00:19:10.000 I think that most of us probably are unaware of what heavy pressure does to our relationship. 00:19:10.000 --> 00:19:19.000 A fifth source of problems in the sexual relationship is personal hostility, anger, resentment, bitterness, this kind of thing. 00:19:19.000 --> 00:19:28.000 Those negative emotions that filter into a relationship and cause husband or wife to resent each other. 00:19:28.000 --> 00:19:34.000 There would have been a time when I would have said, I believe that resentment can destroy a wife's enjoyment, 00:19:34.000 --> 00:19:37.000 but I don't believe it would be possible for the male. 00:19:37.000 --> 00:19:40.000 I've long since learned that that was a false premise. 00:19:40.000 --> 00:19:49.000 I know today men who have been married one couple nine years, another 11, another 23, another 35 years, 00:19:49.000 --> 00:19:56.000 they sleep in the same bed together, but have not had sexual relations as husband and wife in several years. 00:19:56.000 --> 00:20:03.000 Because when the woman approaches her husband, he refuses the sexual relationship. 00:20:03.000 --> 00:20:11.000 And so difficulties in the marriage relationship, problems that are not resolved, resentments, bitterness, hostility. 00:20:11.000 --> 00:20:16.000 And what that says to all of us is that we need to keep the problems worked out of our marriage. 00:20:16.000 --> 00:20:20.000 Now, I want us to turn to some differences between the sexes. 00:20:20.000 --> 00:20:24.000 And though the differences between male and female are myriad, 00:20:24.000 --> 00:20:33.000 there are eight differences that I want us to focus on just briefly in this part of our seminar. 00:20:33.000 --> 00:20:43.000 One is that it's fairly obvious that the male has greater interest in the sexual relationship than the female does. 00:20:43.000 --> 00:20:49.000 That's not true in every situation, but it is true in the majority of situations right now. 00:20:49.000 --> 00:20:56.000 A second factor that is involved involves the accumulation of seminal fluid in the male 00:20:56.000 --> 00:21:03.000 that many experts believe today constitutes an internal stimulus for sexual interest. 00:21:03.000 --> 00:21:07.000 There is nothing equivalent to that seminal buildup in the female. 00:21:07.000 --> 00:21:13.000 And so the seminal buildup in the male seems to be the basis, 00:21:13.000 --> 00:21:16.000 and we don't know exactly how it works. 00:21:16.000 --> 00:21:20.000 It's amazing to me how little we know about sexual responsiveness 00:21:20.000 --> 00:21:24.000 and what really takes place and why these things take place. 00:21:24.000 --> 00:21:34.000 But there are many experts who believe that that seminal buildup is the physiological basis for the interest, 00:21:34.000 --> 00:21:37.000 the very high interest on the part of the male. 00:21:37.000 --> 00:21:46.000 If that's true, then the wife whose husband seems to her to be overly interested in the sexual relationship 00:21:46.000 --> 00:21:49.000 needs to be very, very responsive to her husband, 00:21:49.000 --> 00:21:55.000 realizing that it's not just that he is overly interested in sex, 00:21:55.000 --> 00:21:58.000 but because the Lord has created him this way, 00:21:58.000 --> 00:22:02.000 and because that seminal buildup in his body constitutes an internal stimulus 00:22:02.000 --> 00:22:06.000 so far as sexual activity and interest is concerned. 00:22:06.000 --> 00:22:12.000 A third difference between male and female has to do with the fact that pleasurable sexual experience 00:22:12.000 --> 00:22:16.000 extends through a greater part of life for both. 00:22:16.000 --> 00:22:23.000 There is a myth out that says that after a male passes 65 or 75 years of age, 00:22:23.000 --> 00:22:27.000 that his interest in the sexual relationship drops, 00:22:27.000 --> 00:22:31.000 and that eventually he will be unable to continue this sexual activity. 00:22:31.000 --> 00:22:37.000 Let me give you two or three things that I think are important for us to realize as we get older. 00:22:37.000 --> 00:22:45.000 One is that it's true that 25% of the males at 65 years of age in our culture are unable to perform sexually. 00:22:45.000 --> 00:22:48.000 That's 65 a form. 00:22:48.000 --> 00:22:53.000 Ten years later, by 75 years of age, that rises to 50%. 00:22:53.000 --> 00:23:01.000 Half the men at 75 years of age are unable to perform anymore sexually. 00:23:01.000 --> 00:23:09.000 But latest research indicates that over 90% of that is psychologically induced pressure. 00:23:09.000 --> 00:23:13.000 And so the studies that are coming out are saying if men as they get older 00:23:13.000 --> 00:23:18.000 will not put psychological pressure on themselves to perform quickly, 00:23:18.000 --> 00:23:22.000 or to perform as frequently perhaps as they did in their earlier years, 00:23:22.000 --> 00:23:28.000 that there is no reason why their sexual interest and pleasure and activity should not continue 00:23:28.000 --> 00:23:34.000 as long as they're healthy even though they may reach past 80 and even 90 years of age. 00:23:34.000 --> 00:23:41.000 A fourth difference between male and female is the time at which each reaches a peak of frequency 00:23:41.000 --> 00:23:43.000 and physical responsiveness. 00:23:43.000 --> 00:23:49.000 And for the male, it's late in his teens, probably at 17 years of age. 00:23:49.000 --> 00:23:54.000 The sex drive in the male will be as great as it will ever be in his life. 00:23:54.000 --> 00:23:58.000 The studies are saying it reaches its peak at about 17 years of age, 00:23:58.000 --> 00:24:06.000 never until about 26 years of age, at which time it begins to diminish just slightly 00:24:06.000 --> 00:24:15.000 slightly for until he's about 35 and then the rate at which it diminishes steepens just a little bit. 00:24:15.000 --> 00:24:24.000 The female in our culture reaches the height of her sexual interest and drive between 28 and 35 years of age. 00:24:24.000 --> 00:24:29.000 But the studies that are available at the present time say that that is a cultural phenomenon. 00:24:29.000 --> 00:24:41.000 And where interest and experience is the same that the female sex drive reaches its peak at about the same time that the male sex drive reaches its peak. 00:24:41.000 --> 00:24:46.000 And then a fifth difference is with regard to orgasm capacity. 00:24:46.000 --> 00:24:50.000 And let me sketch this one on the blackboard for you. 00:24:50.000 --> 00:24:58.000 What that one says is that the wife has greater orgasm capacity or capacity for climax than the husband does. 00:24:58.000 --> 00:25:03.000 If you sketch it like this, consider that line as zero sex drive. 00:25:03.000 --> 00:25:07.000 The wife's sex drive would ride somewhere above the line. 00:25:07.000 --> 00:25:10.000 The husband's sex drive would ride somewhere there. 00:25:10.000 --> 00:25:20.000 And as the sexual relationship begins between these two partners, we'll call this first period foreplay. 00:25:20.000 --> 00:25:30.000 And as foreplay begins, the husband is very quickly ready for sexual intercourse. 00:25:30.000 --> 00:25:42.000 The wife, on the other hand, as foreplay begins, begins a gradual rise that will take her somewhere in that kind of a direction. 00:25:42.000 --> 00:25:49.000 Which means that the husband is almost immediately ready, but must wait then for his wife. 00:25:49.000 --> 00:25:51.000 And this second period for him is called the plateau. 00:25:51.000 --> 00:25:58.000 And so he must wait for sexual intercourse to begin until his wife is more nearly ready. 00:25:58.000 --> 00:26:05.000 If he begins at the time that he's ready, he needs to realize that her readiness is very, very low at that point. 00:26:05.000 --> 00:26:11.000 But if he gives her time, the experts are saying that he should bring her all the way, 00:26:11.000 --> 00:26:16.000 intercourse will begin somewhere along about there, all the way to her climax. 00:26:16.000 --> 00:26:28.000 The reason for that is that once the husband reaches his climax, that his interest in the sexual relationship drops immediately, 00:26:28.000 --> 00:26:36.000 and drops like a stone, and he will not be ready for another sexual encounter probably for several hours. 00:26:36.000 --> 00:26:48.000 But unlike the wife, the wife, on the other hand, once she has reached her climax, may reach a second, a third, a fourth, a fifth, and on. 00:26:48.000 --> 00:26:53.000 There is no end that has been found to that statistic as yet. 00:26:53.000 --> 00:27:00.000 But what the experts are saying is that it's unrealistic for husband and wife to expect to reach simultaneous climax. 00:27:00.000 --> 00:27:06.000 But that's unrealistic. Some couples will achieve that, but not regularly for most couples. 00:27:06.000 --> 00:27:11.000 And that the more realistic expectation would be for the wife to achieve her climax first, 00:27:11.000 --> 00:27:17.000 because she may reach a second and a third by the time her husband reaches his climax. 00:27:17.000 --> 00:27:21.000 And so the more pleasurable relationship would be represented here. 00:27:21.000 --> 00:27:28.000 But that difference is that the wife has greater orgasm capacity than does her husband. 00:27:28.000 --> 00:27:34.000 A sixth difference is the interest in touching sensations. 00:27:34.000 --> 00:27:39.000 Now, both husband and wife are interested in touching. 00:27:39.000 --> 00:27:41.000 But in a different way. 00:27:41.000 --> 00:27:48.000 The husband is allowed sexually by sexual touching more readily than is the wife. 00:27:48.000 --> 00:27:51.000 The wife takes longer to respond to sexual touching. 00:27:51.000 --> 00:27:57.000 I remember several years ago in Oklahoma City, at the break after this particular material was covered, 00:27:57.000 --> 00:28:01.000 there was a young wife that came up to me at the break in tears. 00:28:01.000 --> 00:28:06.000 And she was being trailed by, I assumed her husband, and he turned out to be, 00:28:06.000 --> 00:28:10.000 her husband of about two years, was walking about four or five feet behind her. 00:28:10.000 --> 00:28:13.000 And as she came to me with tears in her eyes, she said, 00:28:13.000 --> 00:28:16.000 Dr. Bukin, would you tell my husband what you just said? 00:28:16.000 --> 00:28:22.000 And I said, we have spent an hour and a half talking about these things at that particular time. 00:28:22.000 --> 00:28:23.000 I said, which one? 00:28:23.000 --> 00:28:25.000 And she said, that about touching. 00:28:25.000 --> 00:28:27.000 And I said, what do you want me to tell you? 00:28:27.000 --> 00:28:28.000 Tell me the background. 00:28:28.000 --> 00:28:38.000 And she said, well, my husband thinks that I should be as quickly aroused sexually by his touching as he is by my sexual touching. 00:28:38.000 --> 00:28:43.000 And she said, when I am not as quickly aroused as he is, he grows angry. 00:28:43.000 --> 00:28:45.000 He says, you don't love me. 00:28:45.000 --> 00:28:48.000 If you loved me, you would be as quickly aroused as I am. 00:28:48.000 --> 00:28:50.000 And she says, I do love him. 00:28:50.000 --> 00:28:55.000 But then when he becomes angry, he becomes rough, and it destroys this relationship for us. 00:28:55.000 --> 00:29:01.000 And so perhaps here's one that some young couples need to realize. 00:29:01.000 --> 00:29:04.000 All of us are interested in being touched. 00:29:04.000 --> 00:29:09.000 But the male is more quickly aroused by sexual touching than the female is. 00:29:09.000 --> 00:29:12.000 And the male is naturally visually oriented. 00:29:12.000 --> 00:29:15.000 There is some debate about that and some differences of opinion. 00:29:15.000 --> 00:29:23.000 And I've had a number of people send me articles that would argue that the female is as visually oriented as the male is. 00:29:23.000 --> 00:29:25.000 But none of them proves that as yet. 00:29:25.000 --> 00:29:30.000 What they do prove is that the female can be conditioned to be visually oriented. 00:29:30.000 --> 00:29:32.000 To a very high degree. 00:29:32.000 --> 00:29:37.000 But it seems that the male is visually oriented. 00:29:37.000 --> 00:29:44.000 Ladies, it's probably very important for you to realize that your husband is visually oriented with regard to sex. 00:29:44.000 --> 00:29:49.000 You may notice him watching a pretty girl as she walks by. 00:29:49.000 --> 00:29:51.000 That's a very normal phenomenon for him. 00:29:51.000 --> 00:29:57.000 Guys, we need to be careful of that because it's possible for us to hurt our wife's feelings about that. 00:29:57.000 --> 00:30:05.000 I remember a couple of years ago I picked up a paper somewhere and I clipped out an editorial that said, 00:30:05.000 --> 00:30:07.000 and the headline said, 00:30:07.000 --> 00:30:12.000 Women Not Turned On By Male Centerfolds. 00:30:12.000 --> 00:30:24.000 And he recounted the background of the beginning of the girly magazines for men and then coming along of the male moods shown in magazines for women. 00:30:24.000 --> 00:30:28.000 Most of those died almost immediately after they began. 00:30:28.000 --> 00:30:35.000 And the report went on to say that the women at first bought the magazines and glanced and then they looked away. 00:30:35.000 --> 00:30:41.000 And eventually they turned back and looked again and then they yawned. 00:30:41.000 --> 00:30:48.000 And they said, put those guys back in long trousers, please. 00:30:48.000 --> 00:30:56.000 There are some magazines that continue to sell that the basic purpose is to show male moods. 00:30:56.000 --> 00:31:02.000 But the general consensus of opinion is that the ones who buy most of them are male homosexuals. 00:31:02.000 --> 00:31:09.000 An eighth difference between male and female sexuality has to do with menstruation. 00:31:09.000 --> 00:31:15.000 It's obvious of course that males have nothing comparable to this within the female. 00:31:15.000 --> 00:31:17.000 That in the female menstruation is never pleasurable. 00:31:17.000 --> 00:31:20.000 It's always inconvenient and it's sometimes painful. 00:31:20.000 --> 00:31:29.000 I remember the first time I said that in a seminar and the break that came up immediately after there was a man who came up and he said, never pleasurable. 00:31:29.000 --> 00:31:34.000 And I said, I wonder where in the world this yo-yo is coming from. 00:31:34.000 --> 00:31:37.000 And I looked at him and I said, never pleasurable. 00:31:37.000 --> 00:31:39.000 He said, I don't agree with that at all. 00:31:39.000 --> 00:31:44.000 He said, I came home from the office the other day and my wife had the biggest smile on her face that you've ever seen. 00:31:44.000 --> 00:31:47.000 And I said, touche. 00:31:47.000 --> 00:31:51.000 I said, relieved, maybe. 00:31:51.000 --> 00:31:54.000 Never pleasurable. 00:31:54.000 --> 00:31:57.000 Guys, clods. 00:31:57.000 --> 00:32:10.000 We need to realize that our wives' menstrual period is not some time that is pleasurable in her life. 00:32:10.000 --> 00:32:16.000 This relationship between husband and wife is intended to be such a precious relationship. 00:32:16.000 --> 00:32:25.000 I remember some time ago we were in Wichita, Kansas and a couple came up after the seminar was over. 00:32:25.000 --> 00:32:42.000 And the wife, trailed by the husband who was just behind her, said, Dr. McKeen, I really am delighted that you have been talking about this material because she said it took us ten long years to learn what you have just covered in a few minutes. 00:32:42.000 --> 00:32:51.000 And she said, I wish that we had had some opportunity to know about these things many years before we did. 00:32:51.000 --> 00:32:58.000 But she said, for the first ten years of our marriage, we both thought that I was put together wrong. 00:32:58.000 --> 00:33:04.000 Because, she said, I was not very interested in the sexual relationship. 00:33:04.000 --> 00:33:13.000 Would you believe that I have found wives all over the country in these seminars, wives that are not really all that interested in the sexual relationship? 00:33:13.000 --> 00:33:18.000 I remember the first time was in Idaho. 00:33:18.000 --> 00:33:24.000 And a young wife came up to me at the break and she said, Dr. McKeen, we've been married a lot of years. 00:33:24.000 --> 00:33:29.000 And she said, through all of the years, I've had no interest at all in the sexual relationship. 00:33:29.000 --> 00:33:34.000 As far as I can tell, I have no interest, no drive for the sexual relationship. 00:33:34.000 --> 00:33:36.000 But she said, my husband and I are both Christians. 00:33:36.000 --> 00:33:38.000 And she said, I love him very dearly. 00:33:38.000 --> 00:33:44.000 And she said, I don't really want him to know that I don't have any interest in this relationship. 00:33:44.000 --> 00:33:46.000 But she said, I can't keep it from him. 00:33:46.000 --> 00:33:47.000 I can't fake it. 00:33:47.000 --> 00:33:51.000 He does know that I'm not interested in the sexual relationship. 00:33:51.000 --> 00:33:59.000 But she said, what in the world can I do to share this part of his life that's so important to him? 00:33:59.000 --> 00:34:01.000 What in the world can I do? 00:34:01.000 --> 00:34:08.000 And I shared a number of the books with her that have to do with this part of the life of a husband and wife. 00:34:08.000 --> 00:34:14.000 And one of the things that I said to her was that in all probability, the two of you have never read many books, have you? 00:34:14.000 --> 00:34:16.000 And she said, no, we really haven't.