WEBVTT 00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:04.000 Okay, we're gonna consider the theme of marriage tonight. 00:00:04.000 --> 00:00:07.000 Just to say a few things about way of introduction. 00:00:07.000 --> 00:00:10.000 So, I've been married for nine years. 00:00:10.000 --> 00:00:12.000 Some of you have been married for 20 years. 00:00:12.000 --> 00:00:14.000 So, you trump me, don't you? 00:00:14.000 --> 00:00:18.000 Some of you have been married for 40 years, perhaps. 00:00:18.000 --> 00:00:20.000 But it's not really about that, is it? 00:00:20.000 --> 00:00:23.000 It's not about my or your experience. 00:00:23.000 --> 00:00:25.000 It's not about our wisdom. 00:00:25.000 --> 00:00:28.000 It's not about the techniques we have mastered 00:00:28.000 --> 00:00:31.000 to be successful at marriage. 00:00:31.000 --> 00:00:33.000 We thank God for that. 00:00:33.000 --> 00:00:36.000 What we're considering tonight is what his word says about marriage, 00:00:36.000 --> 00:00:40.000 and actually what we're considering tonight is just a portion of his word. 00:00:40.000 --> 00:00:44.000 So, I want to say as well that, you know, you can sometimes go to seminars, 00:00:44.000 --> 00:00:50.000 which will give you a very rounded and full view of the biblical picture of marriage. 00:00:50.000 --> 00:00:52.000 And we don't have, that's not our scope. 00:00:52.000 --> 00:00:54.000 That's bigger than the scope that we have tonight. 00:00:54.000 --> 00:00:56.000 What I want to do tonight is, as I've said, 00:00:56.000 --> 00:01:02.000 take out some of the verses of what Proverbs says about marriage. 00:01:02.000 --> 00:01:05.000 Mostly. I will refer to the Ephesians passage also. 00:01:05.000 --> 00:01:07.000 But that's the scope, if you like, of the passage. 00:01:07.000 --> 00:01:11.000 I should also say as well that we talk about marriage in the context, 00:01:11.000 --> 00:01:15.000 as I prayed about, of the whole fellowship. 00:01:15.000 --> 00:01:18.000 And we're not all married. 00:01:18.000 --> 00:01:24.000 The church and God value absolutely every member of the fellowship, 00:01:24.000 --> 00:01:26.000 whether married or not. 00:01:26.000 --> 00:01:28.000 And I've affirmed that just now. 00:01:28.000 --> 00:01:34.000 And it is for the church to consider everybody whether married or not. 00:01:34.000 --> 00:01:38.000 But I'm not going to speak specifically about singleness tonight, 00:01:38.000 --> 00:01:42.000 or about dealing with bereavement, or different aspects like that, 00:01:42.000 --> 00:01:44.000 because I want to focus on marriage 00:01:44.000 --> 00:01:47.000 and what Proverbs specifically says about marriage. 00:01:47.000 --> 00:01:48.000 Okay. 00:01:48.000 --> 00:01:53.000 So in that context then, I just want us to pull out, like I said, a few of these verses. 00:01:53.000 --> 00:01:57.000 Now, just by way of introduction, further introduction, 00:01:57.000 --> 00:02:02.000 two views of marriage, if you like, polar opposites. 00:02:02.000 --> 00:02:10.000 Okay. One is that marriage is about finding the one. 00:02:10.000 --> 00:02:16.000 And when you find the one, there's a moment of beautiful harmony 00:02:16.000 --> 00:02:20.000 which lasts all your life, which is never troubled. 00:02:20.000 --> 00:02:23.000 Fireworks go off, all is well. 00:02:23.000 --> 00:02:25.000 Okay. 00:02:25.000 --> 00:02:27.000 Here's another view of marriage. 00:02:27.000 --> 00:02:30.000 I was reading a theologian called Stanley Howarwas this weekend. 00:02:30.000 --> 00:02:34.000 So he said this slightly controversial thing. 00:02:34.000 --> 00:02:38.000 And I'm not going to give you this sentence in the full context deliberately. 00:02:38.000 --> 00:02:42.000 I'm going to come back to this quote, and I'm going to give you the context later. 00:02:42.000 --> 00:02:46.000 But he says, you never marry the right person. 00:02:46.000 --> 00:02:48.000 You never marry the right person. 00:02:48.000 --> 00:02:51.000 So do you agree with either of those? 00:02:51.000 --> 00:02:53.000 Could we sit somewhere in the middle? 00:02:53.000 --> 00:02:56.000 What does proverbs say about marriage? 00:02:56.000 --> 00:02:58.000 What can we take from this book? 00:02:58.000 --> 00:03:02.000 This ancient book, you may be sitting there thinking, nothing. 00:03:02.000 --> 00:03:08.000 Why would I read proverbs to learn about my relationship right now? 00:03:08.000 --> 00:03:10.000 Well, I hope there's a lot we can take from proverbs. 00:03:10.000 --> 00:03:14.000 Okay. What I'm going to do is I'm going to split this roughly in two sections. 00:03:14.000 --> 00:03:18.000 First section, three points, second section, three points. 00:03:18.000 --> 00:03:21.000 First sections, three points are more brief and they're bigger picture. 00:03:21.000 --> 00:03:25.000 I want to say first of all, under this first bigger picture, heading if you like, 00:03:25.000 --> 00:03:28.000 that simply marriage talks about the place, 00:03:28.000 --> 00:03:33.000 the Bible speaks about the place of marriage, and it affirms it. 00:03:33.000 --> 00:03:36.000 We probably need to say that nowadays, okay? 00:03:36.000 --> 00:03:39.000 The Bible and proverbs affirms marriage. 00:03:39.000 --> 00:03:45.000 So the first verse that I want to refer to is proverbs 18 and verse 22. 00:03:45.000 --> 00:03:49.000 He who finds a wife finds a good thing. 00:03:49.000 --> 00:03:51.000 Okay, just to declare that, that's what the Bible says. 00:03:51.000 --> 00:03:55.000 He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favour from the Lord. 00:03:55.000 --> 00:04:01.000 And in chapter 31, an excellent wife, who can find? 00:04:01.000 --> 00:04:04.000 So in other words, it's a good thing to have an excellent wife. 00:04:04.000 --> 00:04:13.000 Remember the context written with young, up and coming men in view, 00:04:13.000 --> 00:04:16.000 saying, guys, you want a wife? 00:04:16.000 --> 00:04:17.000 Look for a good one. 00:04:17.000 --> 00:04:21.000 And it's a good thing that you do when you look for a wife. 00:04:21.000 --> 00:04:23.000 So the Bible affirms that. 00:04:23.000 --> 00:04:26.000 And we need to consider that as a church. 00:04:26.000 --> 00:04:28.000 We need to affirm that as a church. 00:04:28.000 --> 00:04:31.000 Again, not speaking specifically about singleness 00:04:31.000 --> 00:04:34.000 without excluding those who are single, who wish to be single, 00:04:34.000 --> 00:04:36.000 or who wish they weren't. 00:04:36.000 --> 00:04:41.000 But the Bible affirms and continues to affirm throughout all of its pages 00:04:41.000 --> 00:04:43.000 the centrality of marriage. 00:04:43.000 --> 00:04:46.000 Now, it was interesting, last week I noticed, 00:04:46.000 --> 00:04:47.000 you may have not been here last week, 00:04:47.000 --> 00:04:50.000 often on a Sunday night we do what's called a spotlight. 00:04:50.000 --> 00:04:52.000 So we have a particular focus on something. 00:04:52.000 --> 00:04:56.000 And Derek last week did a focus on you guys, the congregation, 00:04:56.000 --> 00:05:00.000 because last week we were speaking about children, parenting. 00:05:00.000 --> 00:05:06.000 And somebody mentioned anecdotally the fact that the marriage relationship 00:05:06.000 --> 00:05:11.000 is fundamental within the covenant community of the church. 00:05:11.000 --> 00:05:16.000 Isn't that something that we can affirm and that we must remind ourselves of? 00:05:16.000 --> 00:05:20.000 That in all the different situations we find ourselves, 00:05:20.000 --> 00:05:22.000 marriage is at all times affirmed by God. 00:05:22.000 --> 00:05:25.000 It's his invention, if you like. 00:05:25.000 --> 00:05:28.000 It's central in the church. 00:05:28.000 --> 00:05:31.000 And it's also, I was reading another book recently which spoke about 00:05:31.000 --> 00:05:38.000 the way in which nowadays people see themselves as individuals responsible to nobody, 00:05:38.000 --> 00:05:44.000 or only as part of a huge, kind of nebulous global culture. 00:05:44.000 --> 00:05:49.000 And the person was making the point that the medium-sized institutions, if you like, 00:05:49.000 --> 00:05:54.000 like the church and even at a smaller level, like the family, 00:05:54.000 --> 00:06:00.000 and so like marriages, have been discarded to a degree. 00:06:00.000 --> 00:06:05.000 But we retain and we remain convinced of the centrality 00:06:05.000 --> 00:06:10.000 and the importance of marriages within the church, within the covenant community. 00:06:10.000 --> 00:06:12.000 So that's important in this book, isn't it, within Proverbs? 00:06:12.000 --> 00:06:17.000 Because if we think for a little bit longer what would Proverbs say about marriage, 00:06:17.000 --> 00:06:20.000 we also have to ask ourselves the question, 00:06:20.000 --> 00:06:25.000 what kind of marriages would Proverbs affirm? 00:06:25.000 --> 00:06:26.000 Well, what kind of people would it affirm? 00:06:26.000 --> 00:06:31.000 Who are the people supposed to become that this book is talking about? 00:06:31.000 --> 00:06:34.000 And so we think about the individuals here, 00:06:34.000 --> 00:06:38.000 but we also think about the wider covenant community in which this book is set, 00:06:38.000 --> 00:06:44.000 God's people, and who they are to be, the faithful people of God. 00:06:44.000 --> 00:06:49.000 And within that, the individual and the whole covenant community 00:06:49.000 --> 00:06:56.000 and the institution, these units, these marriages that support families, 00:06:56.000 --> 00:06:58.000 that support those who are bereaved, that support elderly, 00:06:58.000 --> 00:07:03.000 that support children, and that are a central core of the covenant community. 00:07:03.000 --> 00:07:07.000 So the place of marriage is affirmed. 00:07:07.000 --> 00:07:09.000 Secondly, provision. 00:07:09.000 --> 00:07:13.000 Let me go back to chapter 18, verse 22 again, the same verse. 00:07:13.000 --> 00:07:18.000 He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favour from the Lord. 00:07:18.000 --> 00:07:20.000 There's a link there. 00:07:20.000 --> 00:07:24.000 It's a good thing, and ultimately, ultimately, 00:07:24.000 --> 00:07:28.000 it's something that the Lord is over this process. 00:07:28.000 --> 00:07:32.000 And another verse in this regard, 19 verse 14, 00:07:32.000 --> 00:07:36.000 houses and welfare inherited from fathers or not, 00:07:36.000 --> 00:07:40.000 but a prudent wife is from the Lord. 00:07:40.000 --> 00:07:42.000 Now, I don't want to say a lot about this. 00:07:42.000 --> 00:07:47.000 What this is doing is putting, if you like, the search for, 00:07:47.000 --> 00:07:51.000 the consideration of marriage, the potential for you to become a married person 00:07:51.000 --> 00:07:55.000 within the scope of the sovereignty of God. 00:07:55.000 --> 00:07:59.000 In other words, for a biblical person, a covenant community person, 00:07:59.000 --> 00:08:04.000 way back when this book was written, or for you and I nowadays, 00:08:04.000 --> 00:08:07.000 marriages isn't something we say, I'm going to think about this 00:08:07.000 --> 00:08:11.000 outside of the wisdom of God. 00:08:11.000 --> 00:08:16.000 I'll decide based on my priorities, my feelings, whatever categories we have, 00:08:16.000 --> 00:08:21.000 this is a decision amongst all life decisions that come under the wisdom. 00:08:21.000 --> 00:08:26.000 So we don't separate parts of our character or our decision making. 00:08:26.000 --> 00:08:31.000 That's something we've thought about broadly, and it is included here also. 00:08:31.000 --> 00:08:35.000 The link to this, and this is the third of the briefer points I want to look at, 00:08:35.000 --> 00:08:38.000 we've thought about the place of marriage and the provision of marriage, 00:08:38.000 --> 00:08:43.000 but I also want to say the pragmatism that exists within the book of Proverbs. 00:08:43.000 --> 00:08:47.000 So what we sometimes do, maybe a tendency of Christians is to say, 00:08:47.000 --> 00:08:50.000 here's something that I long for. 00:08:50.000 --> 00:08:53.000 I believe that God is over all of my life. 00:08:53.000 --> 00:08:57.000 So I will pray, and I will do nothing. 00:08:57.000 --> 00:09:00.000 God will just bring this to me. 00:09:00.000 --> 00:09:03.000 Now God kind of times work in amazing ways in our lives, 00:09:03.000 --> 00:09:09.000 and bring circumstances in brilliant ways, 00:09:09.000 --> 00:09:16.000 and the timing is perfect, and sometimes it seems as if we've done nothing. 00:09:16.000 --> 00:09:24.000 But Proverbs is full of wise instruction so that we can act in good ways. 00:09:24.000 --> 00:09:27.000 And we need to bear that in mind as well. 00:09:27.000 --> 00:09:33.000 If you're looking for a wife or a husband, or if you have a wife or a husband, 00:09:33.000 --> 00:09:36.000 so that you don't allow yourself to creep into the way of thinking, 00:09:36.000 --> 00:09:39.000 oh, this wife or husband the Lord has given me, 00:09:39.000 --> 00:09:45.000 I don't like it anymore, and I'm going to do nothing about it except complain. 00:09:45.000 --> 00:09:54.000 We are always challenged as to how we are prepared to think and speak and act. 00:09:54.000 --> 00:09:57.000 And so, can I take you back to the first chapter? 00:09:57.000 --> 00:10:00.000 That's why I wanted that reference there in chapter 1. 00:10:00.000 --> 00:10:07.000 Proverbs is about, amongst other things, to receive instruction in wise dealing. 00:10:07.000 --> 00:10:12.000 The book is infused with a sense of how then should I live? 00:10:12.000 --> 00:10:14.000 What kind of ways should I speak? 00:10:14.000 --> 00:10:21.000 What should be the principles upon which I step out and speak to somebody who I like? 00:10:21.000 --> 00:10:23.000 Okay. 00:10:23.000 --> 00:10:27.000 So we need to be diligent, we need to be realistic. 00:10:27.000 --> 00:10:33.000 We need to act, don't we? Sometimes we're frozen with a sense of inertia, 00:10:33.000 --> 00:10:37.000 and we just wish God would make our decisions for us. 00:10:37.000 --> 00:10:40.000 Ask somebody out on our behalf. 00:10:40.000 --> 00:10:45.000 We've got to act. How should we act? 00:10:45.000 --> 00:10:47.000 And we need to be realistic as well. 00:10:47.000 --> 00:10:51.000 The pragmatism also covers the realism that I think I want to bring in a little bit 00:10:51.000 --> 00:10:53.000 in the second half of the sermon. 00:10:53.000 --> 00:10:58.000 Marriage is wonderful and marriage is romantic, and we want to affirm that, 00:10:58.000 --> 00:11:01.000 but marriage can also be difficult. 00:11:01.000 --> 00:11:05.000 And do you know that there's something that we need to recognize just now? 00:11:05.000 --> 00:11:08.000 Sometimes what we do is we think, well, the church has the right view of marriage. 00:11:08.000 --> 00:11:11.000 Out there in the world, everything's ruined. 00:11:11.000 --> 00:11:13.000 Everybody's marriages are a sham. 00:11:13.000 --> 00:11:15.000 Everybody has a terrible attitude towards marriage. 00:11:15.000 --> 00:11:20.000 What we need to do is be humble and recognize that marriages can be difficult in the church. 00:11:20.000 --> 00:11:24.000 We also need to recognize that because of the good grace of God, 00:11:24.000 --> 00:11:26.000 there is much that is good in many people's marriages. 00:11:26.000 --> 00:11:32.000 And indeed, I read this just this week, an article in the HuffPost of all places. 00:11:32.000 --> 00:11:36.000 Somebody was speaking about marriage, 12 things to think about. 00:11:36.000 --> 00:11:39.000 Marriage, secular commentator in the newspaper. 00:11:39.000 --> 00:11:41.000 I'm only going to read two. 00:11:41.000 --> 00:11:45.000 Number one, marriage is not for sissies, it's hard work. 00:11:45.000 --> 00:11:48.000 That's true, and it's good to recognize that. 00:11:48.000 --> 00:11:50.000 So in other words, we don't believe, 00:11:50.000 --> 00:11:54.000 and the Bible doesn't lead us to the point where we say, 00:11:54.000 --> 00:12:00.000 when I get married, all my troubles will leave me. 00:12:00.000 --> 00:12:04.000 Second thing the person said, marriage is not for the impatient. 00:12:04.000 --> 00:12:08.000 Some of the best stuff takes a while to develop. 00:12:08.000 --> 00:12:11.000 That's wise. That's a wise thing to say. 00:12:11.000 --> 00:12:15.000 That's a wise thing to be aware of entering a marriage. 00:12:15.000 --> 00:12:18.000 So these things, these verses, and there are more, 00:12:18.000 --> 00:12:22.000 you can go into Proverbs and dig and read more of them. 00:12:22.000 --> 00:12:26.000 But these overarching, if you like big picture, things are said by Proverbs, 00:12:26.000 --> 00:12:28.000 and affirmed in the Bible. 00:12:28.000 --> 00:12:31.000 Second half, if you like, of what I want to look at, 00:12:31.000 --> 00:12:33.000 is a bit more up close and personal. 00:12:33.000 --> 00:12:37.000 And what I really want to get into just now is character. 00:12:37.000 --> 00:12:40.000 Because you know what Proverbs is about to a large degree? 00:12:40.000 --> 00:12:43.000 It's my and your character. 00:12:43.000 --> 00:12:47.000 As somebody who is called to know the wisdom of God 00:12:47.000 --> 00:12:49.000 and how that changes the way we actually live. 00:12:49.000 --> 00:12:52.000 Okay, so that's what we're going to be looking at in the second half. 00:12:52.000 --> 00:12:54.000 So now I want to look at that verse 00:12:54.000 --> 00:12:59.000 that may have raised your eyebrows when we read it from chapter 11. 00:12:59.000 --> 00:13:02.000 Speaking about character, in other words, 00:13:02.000 --> 00:13:05.000 means that what we're not doing when we're approaching marriage 00:13:05.000 --> 00:13:12.000 is approaching it purely concerned with surface level things, visual things. 00:13:12.000 --> 00:13:17.000 And actually, let me say just now, Proverbs speaks about this a lot. 00:13:17.000 --> 00:13:21.000 Now, maybe can I just say this with particular reference to guys? 00:13:21.000 --> 00:13:25.000 Not just to guys, but to guys who can. 00:13:25.000 --> 00:13:27.000 Can't we be so visually led? 00:13:27.000 --> 00:13:31.000 There is a lot of warning in the book of Proverbs about this kind of thing. 00:13:31.000 --> 00:13:36.000 So, like a gold ring and a pig snout is a beautiful woman without discretion. 00:13:36.000 --> 00:13:38.000 Okay? 00:13:38.000 --> 00:13:41.000 In other words, don't just look at something 00:13:41.000 --> 00:13:44.000 and think, because that looks good, it will automatically be what I need 00:13:44.000 --> 00:13:46.000 for the rest of my life. 00:13:46.000 --> 00:13:48.000 There's a lot more underneath that, isn't there? 00:13:48.000 --> 00:13:50.000 There's a lot more to that, that verse. 00:13:50.000 --> 00:13:52.000 But that, just by way of introduction, 00:13:52.000 --> 00:14:02.000 maybe challenges what can be our immediate priority for marriage. 00:14:02.000 --> 00:14:04.000 Is it appearance? 00:14:04.000 --> 00:14:07.000 Is that the primary thing that we consider? 00:14:07.000 --> 00:14:09.000 I was listening to a preacher, 00:14:09.000 --> 00:14:14.000 he gave an example, I think he was unearthing what exists within many people, 00:14:14.000 --> 00:14:16.000 for honest. 00:14:16.000 --> 00:14:20.000 We enter a room, maybe we're considering getting married, 00:14:20.000 --> 00:14:25.000 and we see eight people of the opposite sex, and we immediately rule out six. 00:14:25.000 --> 00:14:29.000 Because we think, I don't think it's based on appearance. 00:14:29.000 --> 00:14:30.000 Okay? 00:14:30.000 --> 00:14:34.000 So, the danger of prioritizing appearances. 00:14:34.000 --> 00:14:36.000 But what should we look for? 00:14:36.000 --> 00:14:39.000 I read a guy in another newspaper, 00:14:39.000 --> 00:14:43.000 and he was very honest, he said this, 00:14:43.000 --> 00:14:45.000 during my years living alone, 00:14:45.000 --> 00:14:50.000 I always knew my own requirements in a woman were perfectly reasonable. 00:14:50.000 --> 00:14:55.000 Novelist, astronaut, background in modeling. 00:14:55.000 --> 00:14:58.000 So. 00:14:58.000 --> 00:15:01.000 That's funny, but it's kind of not funny, is it? 00:15:01.000 --> 00:15:04.000 Because we recognize our own shallowness at times, 00:15:04.000 --> 00:15:06.000 and we need to be challenged by the honesty of the Bible. 00:15:06.000 --> 00:15:10.000 So, let me bring up a few verses just now that speak about, 00:15:10.000 --> 00:15:13.000 if you like, going a little bit closer, 00:15:13.000 --> 00:15:17.000 and touching on the character that we need to be considering. 00:15:17.000 --> 00:15:24.000 Number one, verse, from chapter 25 verse 24. 00:15:24.000 --> 00:15:27.000 Now, the first heading, if you like, that I want to cover, 00:15:27.000 --> 00:15:30.000 as we look at this verse, is conflict. 00:15:30.000 --> 00:15:31.000 Conflict. 00:15:31.000 --> 00:15:34.000 It's better to live in the corner of a house top 00:15:34.000 --> 00:15:38.000 than in a house shared with a quarrelsome wife. 00:15:38.000 --> 00:15:40.000 There are lots of verses like this. 00:15:40.000 --> 00:15:44.000 You can Google quarrelsome wife proverbs, 00:15:44.000 --> 00:15:47.000 and lots of stuff comes up. 00:15:47.000 --> 00:15:50.000 Now, your teeth may be on edge right now. 00:15:50.000 --> 00:15:52.000 I'm very aware of that. 00:15:52.000 --> 00:15:55.000 You can think, and this may be confirming 00:15:55.000 --> 00:15:57.000 what you may have thought about the book of proverbs, 00:15:57.000 --> 00:16:00.000 as a suitable mechanism for advice for marriage. 00:16:00.000 --> 00:16:03.000 You could think, this is just chauvinistic. 00:16:03.000 --> 00:16:09.000 This is just advice for guys, stereotyping women. 00:16:09.000 --> 00:16:12.000 Let me say that it's not, though. 00:16:12.000 --> 00:16:14.000 Let me say that it's not, because I want to say, 00:16:14.000 --> 00:16:16.000 and I'll come around to this in just a minute, 00:16:16.000 --> 00:16:18.000 that this is about conflict, and how conflict is dealt with 00:16:18.000 --> 00:16:19.000 in a marriage. 00:16:19.000 --> 00:16:23.000 I also want to say that proverbs doesn't allow for men to read this 00:16:23.000 --> 00:16:26.000 and say, oh, great, this is just a list of what I should go for, 00:16:26.000 --> 00:16:28.000 and, you know, get a woman who satisfies everything 00:16:28.000 --> 00:16:29.000 and who's quiet. 00:16:29.000 --> 00:16:33.000 That's just a horrible cultural stereotype, isn't it? 00:16:33.000 --> 00:16:37.000 Because in proverbs, if I can just read in proverbs chapter 20, verse 6, 00:16:37.000 --> 00:16:39.000 I don't think I got this up on the screen. 00:16:39.000 --> 00:16:42.000 Proverbs chapter 20 says this, 00:16:42.000 --> 00:16:46.000 many a man proclaims his own steadfast love, 00:16:46.000 --> 00:16:50.000 but a faithful man, who can find, 00:16:50.000 --> 00:16:53.000 to ask searching questions of men, 00:16:53.000 --> 00:16:58.000 and isn't the book full of the potential for young men 00:16:58.000 --> 00:17:02.000 to become older men who are fools? 00:17:02.000 --> 00:17:05.000 So much of proverbs is about that. 00:17:05.000 --> 00:17:06.000 Don't become a fool. 00:17:06.000 --> 00:17:10.000 In other words, you have the potential to become a fool 00:17:10.000 --> 00:17:12.000 and to make foolish choices. 00:17:12.000 --> 00:17:17.000 So this does not allow men to read this selectively 00:17:17.000 --> 00:17:19.000 and wrongly. 00:17:19.000 --> 00:17:20.000 What is this about, though? 00:17:20.000 --> 00:17:21.000 This is about conflict. 00:17:21.000 --> 00:17:24.000 So in other words, it's about saying, be wise in what you look for. 00:17:24.000 --> 00:17:27.000 If all you do is look for physical beauty 00:17:27.000 --> 00:17:30.000 and care nothing for character, you're going to be in trouble. 00:17:30.000 --> 00:17:38.000 Also, consider somebody who sees a disagreement 00:17:38.000 --> 00:17:41.000 as an opportunity for conflict, 00:17:41.000 --> 00:17:44.000 rather than an opportunity to resolve something 00:17:44.000 --> 00:17:46.000 and to be able to work together. 00:17:46.000 --> 00:17:48.000 So I think the quarrelsonness that's being spoken of here 00:17:48.000 --> 00:17:50.000 is somebody who, frankly, gets up every day 00:17:50.000 --> 00:17:52.000 and who loves to have a bit of a fight. 00:17:52.000 --> 00:17:54.000 Be careful about that kind of person. 00:17:54.000 --> 00:17:56.000 It works both ways, of course, doesn't it? 00:17:56.000 --> 00:17:59.000 It works both ways. 00:17:59.000 --> 00:18:02.000 So there is advice about conflict. 00:18:02.000 --> 00:18:05.000 Now, can I say as well, this does not just apply 00:18:05.000 --> 00:18:07.000 for those who are looking for a partner. 00:18:07.000 --> 00:18:10.000 Consider your own marriage relationship right now, 00:18:10.000 --> 00:18:13.000 if you're married, because it's equally the case 00:18:13.000 --> 00:18:16.000 that we can get into marriages 00:18:16.000 --> 00:18:21.000 and find quarrelsonness at the core of our relationship. 00:18:21.000 --> 00:18:23.000 How then do we react? 00:18:23.000 --> 00:18:24.000 What do we do with that? 00:18:24.000 --> 00:18:27.000 It can be the case, if we're not careful, 00:18:27.000 --> 00:18:29.000 that we allow ourselves to say, 00:18:29.000 --> 00:18:32.000 my partner is so irritating that I'm justified 00:18:32.000 --> 00:18:34.000 in finding fault in every single thing they do. 00:18:34.000 --> 00:18:39.000 So we awake each morning prepared to quarrel, 00:18:39.000 --> 00:18:43.000 and we think we're justified in doing so. 00:18:43.000 --> 00:18:47.000 We're always called back to our own hearts. 00:18:47.000 --> 00:18:49.000 We're always called back. 00:18:49.000 --> 00:18:53.000 And this is the kind of thing we could have a series of seminars on. 00:18:53.000 --> 00:18:56.000 There's a lot in this, isn't there? 00:18:56.000 --> 00:18:59.000 But it requires us to be thoughtful and to be prayerful 00:18:59.000 --> 00:19:03.000 and to be humble and to ask forgiveness many times, 00:19:03.000 --> 00:19:06.000 because we all can get to that place in our relationships, 00:19:06.000 --> 00:19:09.000 where we've pretty much decided that we're justified 00:19:09.000 --> 00:19:14.000 in giving up or in attacking the other. 00:19:14.000 --> 00:19:17.000 So Tim Keller says he was giving advice in a sermon I read, 00:19:17.000 --> 00:19:20.000 and he says somebody asked him in a talk he was giving, 00:19:20.000 --> 00:19:24.000 well, what advice would you give for somebody who's thinking about getting married? 00:19:24.000 --> 00:19:26.000 And he came up with two, but one of them was, 00:19:26.000 --> 00:19:30.000 look for somebody who's really good at resolving conflict. 00:19:30.000 --> 00:19:34.000 So he doesn't just see any disagreement as an opportunity for a fight. 00:19:34.000 --> 00:19:40.000 Who's really good at peacefully bringing peace back into the marriage relationship? 00:19:40.000 --> 00:19:42.000 That's what we want, isn't it? 00:19:42.000 --> 00:19:44.000 To be peacemakers at that level. 00:19:44.000 --> 00:19:47.000 Okay, conflict. 00:19:47.000 --> 00:19:51.000 I want to talk briefly about delight. 00:19:51.000 --> 00:19:54.000 Stanley Howell was, I quoted him earlier, 00:19:54.000 --> 00:19:57.000 and remember he was the guy that I said, 00:19:57.000 --> 00:20:00.000 said you never marry the right person. 00:20:00.000 --> 00:20:02.000 Okay, we're going to come back to him. 00:20:02.000 --> 00:20:04.000 But he's an interesting character. 00:20:04.000 --> 00:20:08.000 He's very in favour of arranged marriages, for example. 00:20:08.000 --> 00:20:09.000 So what is this? 00:20:09.000 --> 00:20:13.000 A kind of extreme pragmatism, utilitarianism almost? 00:20:13.000 --> 00:20:15.000 Marriage is only functional. 00:20:15.000 --> 00:20:17.000 It serves a purpose within the covenant community. 00:20:17.000 --> 00:20:19.000 No more than that? 00:20:19.000 --> 00:20:21.000 Well, no. 00:20:21.000 --> 00:20:26.000 Again, we consider the, if you like, the breadth of Proverbs and all that it has to say, 00:20:26.000 --> 00:20:28.000 we read chapter 5. 00:20:28.000 --> 00:20:34.000 So let's go to chapter 5 for a short while. 00:20:34.000 --> 00:20:40.000 Proverbs chapter 5 is set within the context of warnings to young men. 00:20:40.000 --> 00:20:42.000 Moral warnings. 00:20:42.000 --> 00:20:46.000 It applies also, of course, to all of us, every single person. 00:20:46.000 --> 00:20:50.000 The tendency of our hearts can often be to wonder, 00:20:50.000 --> 00:20:53.000 and we can be very good at doing that. 00:20:53.000 --> 00:20:58.000 So Proverbs affirms delight within marriage. 00:20:58.000 --> 00:21:01.000 This is no utilitarianism that is being spoken of here. 00:21:01.000 --> 00:21:04.000 No kind of miserable stereotype of a Christian marriage 00:21:04.000 --> 00:21:08.000 that you're never to actually enjoy yourselves or have sex. 00:21:08.000 --> 00:21:09.000 Quite the opposite. 00:21:09.000 --> 00:21:12.000 It says, drink water from your own cistern. 00:21:12.000 --> 00:21:15.000 In other words, stay home. 00:21:15.000 --> 00:21:21.000 Faithfulness is a fundamental aspect of what Proverbs speaks about, biblically. 00:21:21.000 --> 00:21:28.000 And if I can then go down to verse 18, 00:21:28.000 --> 00:21:33.000 let your fountain be blessed and rejoice in the wife of your youth. 00:21:33.000 --> 00:21:39.000 Speaks about sexual fulfillment, enjoyment, you know, read the song of Solomon. 00:21:39.000 --> 00:21:43.000 The Bible affirms and celebrates marriage and the delight, 00:21:43.000 --> 00:21:48.000 the physical intimacy and the enjoyment that exists and must be maintained, 00:21:48.000 --> 00:21:51.000 must be cared for. 00:21:51.000 --> 00:21:55.000 And so this is, again, just something to highlight. 00:21:55.000 --> 00:21:59.000 And let me just say at this point also that it's within, 00:21:59.000 --> 00:22:03.000 and this is going to be spoken about, I believe, more next week. 00:22:03.000 --> 00:22:06.000 The theme is more to do with sex, sexual relationships. 00:22:06.000 --> 00:22:10.000 Within marriage is security in the sexual relationship. 00:22:10.000 --> 00:22:15.000 So the fear that exists in our culture, the insecurity and fear 00:22:15.000 --> 00:22:19.000 where all is possible and freedom exists, 00:22:19.000 --> 00:22:28.000 actually where you're constantly seeking to be affirmed by the other. 00:22:28.000 --> 00:22:35.000 As opposed to within the marriage relationship where you have covenanted faithfulness 00:22:35.000 --> 00:22:37.000 with the person. 00:22:37.000 --> 00:22:42.000 And so then you develop all aspects of that relationship, 00:22:42.000 --> 00:22:47.000 one of which is this enjoyment of one another at all levels, 00:22:47.000 --> 00:22:50.000 including the sexual relationship. 00:22:50.000 --> 00:22:53.000 So conflict, we spoke about that. 00:22:53.000 --> 00:22:58.000 We spoke about the importance of delight and love, absolutely. 00:22:58.000 --> 00:23:00.000 Love is affirmed in the Bible. 00:23:00.000 --> 00:23:02.000 So what we're not saying tonight is that, you know, 00:23:02.000 --> 00:23:06.000 this is all based on a kind of cold, calculating tick list. 00:23:06.000 --> 00:23:12.000 It's perfectly possible to marry, to meet somebody and to fall in love. 00:23:12.000 --> 00:23:14.000 Great. 00:23:14.000 --> 00:23:18.000 But following on from the chapter 5 passage, 00:23:18.000 --> 00:23:21.000 let me speak finally about discipline. 00:23:21.000 --> 00:23:23.000 I spoke about faithfulness. 00:23:23.000 --> 00:23:27.000 Discipline is huge in this book. 00:23:27.000 --> 00:23:29.000 Discipline. 00:23:29.000 --> 00:23:32.000 And again in chapter 5, 00:23:32.000 --> 00:23:37.000 it speaks about the fact that you should, as it were, remain at home. 00:23:37.000 --> 00:23:41.000 Should your springs be scattered abroad, streams of water in the streets, 00:23:41.000 --> 00:23:44.000 let them be for yourself alone and not for strangers. 00:23:44.000 --> 00:23:47.000 But then, you know, later on in that passage it says this, 00:23:47.000 --> 00:23:51.000 His ways are before the eyes of the Lord and He ponders all His paths. 00:23:51.000 --> 00:23:55.000 The iniquities of the wicked ensnare Him and He's held fast. 00:23:55.000 --> 00:23:59.000 He dies for lack of discipline. 00:23:59.000 --> 00:24:04.000 It's incredible, the amount of times Proverbs speaks specifically about 00:24:04.000 --> 00:24:10.000 the kind of woman who will just ensnare the young man that it's being written to, 00:24:10.000 --> 00:24:16.000 and that the ultimate end of that diversion, if you like, is death. 00:24:16.000 --> 00:24:20.000 It talks about going down to Shell, the place of ruin. 00:24:20.000 --> 00:24:27.000 Strongest of warnings to people to be faithful, 00:24:27.000 --> 00:24:31.000 to remain within that covenant promise relationship that they have given. 00:24:31.000 --> 00:24:37.000 And so, you know, again within our context, our societal context, 00:24:37.000 --> 00:24:40.000 of possibilities are endless, open relationships. 00:24:40.000 --> 00:24:43.000 And I'm not going to say a lot about this tonight, 00:24:43.000 --> 00:24:47.000 but in many ways the redefinition of marriage. 00:24:47.000 --> 00:24:49.000 This is a different line. 00:24:49.000 --> 00:24:53.000 This is the consistent biblical line, which is of faithfulness. 00:24:53.000 --> 00:25:00.000 Which mirrors the faithfulness of our God to us that is being emphasized in this. 00:25:00.000 --> 00:25:03.000 Again, Keller says that when you marry somebody, 00:25:03.000 --> 00:25:09.000 you switch from a kind of relationship which is based on consumer-vendor relationship. 00:25:09.000 --> 00:25:11.000 What do you have to offer me? What can I give you? 00:25:11.000 --> 00:25:16.000 And that's the thing which can be in flux, if you like, 00:25:16.000 --> 00:25:21.000 to when you get married, covenant relationship. 00:25:21.000 --> 00:25:25.000 You promise before the Lord faithfulness. 00:25:25.000 --> 00:25:28.000 And so it speaks consistently about discipline. 00:25:28.000 --> 00:25:33.000 That's about character. That's about my integrity before the Lord. 00:25:33.000 --> 00:25:39.000 I need him. You need him in our ability to be able to do that. 00:25:39.000 --> 00:25:43.000 And I'm going to come back to this just briefly. 00:25:43.000 --> 00:25:47.000 So these are, as I said, there are many more verses. 00:25:47.000 --> 00:25:49.000 These are some of the things I want to cover. 00:25:49.000 --> 00:25:52.000 This is what Proverbs says about marriage. 00:25:52.000 --> 00:25:54.000 Two things in finishing, though. 00:25:54.000 --> 00:25:58.000 Two things just, if you like, to say about how we do this. 00:25:58.000 --> 00:26:02.000 And maybe something that speaks about how this is so different from. 00:26:02.000 --> 00:26:08.000 Distinct within the Christian view of marriage, just as we finish. 00:26:08.000 --> 00:26:13.000 And the first is to emphasize the fact that marriages for the Christian 00:26:13.000 --> 00:26:17.000 are not just about the individual or individualism. 00:26:17.000 --> 00:26:23.000 They're set within the wider covenant family framework. 00:26:23.000 --> 00:26:25.000 It's a slightly different way of thinking. 00:26:25.000 --> 00:26:29.000 It's a very different way of thinking to the way in which many people today think. 00:26:29.000 --> 00:26:32.000 Maybe even you, even as a believer. 00:26:32.000 --> 00:26:35.000 Let me read a couple. I'm going to read a couple of quotes. 00:26:35.000 --> 00:26:40.000 Destructive to marriage is the self-fulfillment ethic 00:26:40.000 --> 00:26:44.000 that assumes that marriage and the family are primarily institutions 00:26:44.000 --> 00:26:49.000 of personal fulfillment necessary for us to become whole and happy. 00:26:49.000 --> 00:26:52.000 They are about personal, aren't they? Of course. 00:26:52.000 --> 00:26:55.000 You and me in our marriages are the ones getting married. 00:26:55.000 --> 00:26:58.000 So they are, of course, about the individual. 00:26:58.000 --> 00:27:02.000 But if we're individualistic, what we end up doing is saying, 00:27:02.000 --> 00:27:06.000 it's all about me and how I feel in the moment. 00:27:06.000 --> 00:27:09.000 I'm no longer fulfilled. 00:27:09.000 --> 00:27:12.000 We may not be fulfilled, 00:27:12.000 --> 00:27:17.000 but we're not called to just up sticks, as it were. 00:27:17.000 --> 00:27:20.000 And so the person goes on to say this, 00:27:20.000 --> 00:27:23.000 for people to be married and have their marriage witnessed by the church, 00:27:23.000 --> 00:27:27.000 we need to know how that marriage is going to build up the holiness of the community. 00:27:27.000 --> 00:27:29.000 That's counterculture, isn't it? 00:27:29.000 --> 00:27:38.000 How does the marriage come into and indeed build up the holiness of the covenant community? 00:27:38.000 --> 00:27:43.000 How do individual marriages contribute to God's people as a whole? 00:27:43.000 --> 00:27:45.000 Just something to consider. 00:27:45.000 --> 00:27:50.000 So the marriage must take account of its place within the church. 00:27:50.000 --> 00:27:53.000 So if you're a married couple, do you consider that? 00:27:53.000 --> 00:27:56.000 How are we contributing to the covenant community of God? 00:27:56.000 --> 00:28:00.000 And the covenant community must take account of marriages. 00:28:00.000 --> 00:28:06.000 And everybody else, all not in relationships, different stages of relationships, 00:28:06.000 --> 00:28:08.000 I said I'm not going to speak about that just now. 00:28:08.000 --> 00:28:11.000 But the church must care for the marriages, 00:28:11.000 --> 00:28:16.000 as the marriages must give to and contribute to the church. 00:28:16.000 --> 00:28:19.000 Okay, so that's first kind of practical application. 00:28:19.000 --> 00:28:21.000 Second one is this. 00:28:21.000 --> 00:28:23.000 And I want to come back to the quote I started with, 00:28:23.000 --> 00:28:26.000 don't ever order our whast again, never marry the right person. 00:28:26.000 --> 00:28:28.000 Okay, so let's put that in its context now. 00:28:28.000 --> 00:28:32.000 He says we often overlook a crucial aspect to marriage. 00:28:32.000 --> 00:28:36.000 Fail to appreciate the fact we always marry the wrong person. 00:28:36.000 --> 00:28:41.000 Then he goes on and says this, we never know who we marry, we just think we do. 00:28:41.000 --> 00:28:43.000 Even if we first marry the right person, 00:28:43.000 --> 00:28:47.000 give it a while and he or she will change. 00:28:47.000 --> 00:28:51.000 You should be able to say this about yourself, give it a while and I will change. 00:28:51.000 --> 00:28:52.099 It's a point, isn't it? 00:28:52.099 --> 00:28:54.599 We change our characters very complex, 00:28:54.599 --> 00:28:58.480 and we change in marriage as we enter into that dynamic. 00:28:58.480 --> 00:29:01.519 How difficult that can be. 00:29:01.519 --> 00:29:03.759 He finishes by saying, the primary challenge of marriage 00:29:03.759 --> 00:29:06.039 is learning how to love and care for the stranger 00:29:06.039 --> 00:29:07.880 to whom you find yourself married. 00:29:07.880 --> 00:29:09.799 Now, is that a bit strong? 00:29:09.799 --> 00:29:10.720 Perhaps it is. 00:29:10.720 --> 00:29:11.519 I'm not trying to say it. 00:29:11.519 --> 00:29:13.480 I'm not one to suggest for a minute 00:29:13.480 --> 00:29:17.480 that marriage relationships are doom. 00:29:17.480 --> 00:29:19.079 They can be difficult. 00:29:19.079 --> 00:29:20.799 Many are very happy. 00:29:20.799 --> 00:29:22.200 But we should be alive to the fact 00:29:22.200 --> 00:29:26.399 they can often be very difficult. 00:29:26.399 --> 00:29:28.720 What then? 00:29:28.720 --> 00:29:31.480 How do we say that we keep going? 00:29:31.480 --> 00:29:33.000 How do we remain faithful? 00:29:33.000 --> 00:29:36.759 How do we uphold this covenant promise of which we speak 00:29:36.759 --> 00:29:41.519 when we feel like we have nothing left to give? 00:29:41.519 --> 00:29:43.079 Tim Keller for the final time, very 00:29:43.079 --> 00:29:47.119 helpfully, I think, speaks about love philanthropy. 00:29:47.119 --> 00:29:48.079 Interesting phrase. 00:29:48.079 --> 00:29:49.639 What he means is this. 00:29:49.640 --> 00:29:52.360 Think of a philanthropist, somebody in Edinburgh, 00:29:52.360 --> 00:29:54.280 very wealthy. 00:29:54.280 --> 00:29:56.600 They give loads of money to charity. 00:29:56.600 --> 00:29:58.759 How can they do that? 00:29:58.759 --> 00:30:02.920 They can take millions and give it to this and that 00:30:02.920 --> 00:30:04.920 because they've got millions coming in this way. 00:30:04.920 --> 00:30:07.040 That's how they can do it, through their income 00:30:07.040 --> 00:30:09.040 or through whatever it is, inheritance. 00:30:09.040 --> 00:30:11.520 Because they have lots of wealth coming in, 00:30:11.520 --> 00:30:14.600 they have a surplus of wealth from which they can give. 00:30:14.600 --> 00:30:16.360 Philanthropy. 00:30:16.360 --> 00:30:18.800 And Keller says, and this applies to many different levels 00:30:18.799 --> 00:30:19.960 of the Christian life. 00:30:19.960 --> 00:30:23.440 We need a kind of a love philanthropy. 00:30:23.440 --> 00:30:27.720 What is it that is filling up our capacity to love, 00:30:27.720 --> 00:30:30.399 in this case, within the marriage context? 00:30:30.399 --> 00:30:31.319 What is it? 00:30:31.319 --> 00:30:33.879 What is the source when we, when I, when you, 00:30:33.879 --> 00:30:36.879 are at the end of ourselves? 00:30:36.879 --> 00:30:40.720 It's what we learn in Ephesians, isn't it? 00:30:40.720 --> 00:30:43.000 It's the gospel. 00:30:43.000 --> 00:30:48.000 It's the fact that we are to love because we are first loved. 00:30:48.000 --> 00:30:50.359 Let me read from Ephesians, chapter 5. 00:30:50.359 --> 00:30:51.559 I'm going to read verse 25. 00:30:51.559 --> 00:30:57.920 Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church 00:30:57.920 --> 00:31:01.839 and gave himself up for her. 00:31:01.839 --> 00:31:06.559 So in other words, the Christian, married or not married, 00:31:06.559 --> 00:31:08.720 but in this case, particularly married, 00:31:08.720 --> 00:31:13.480 must have an ongoing, clear-sighted view 00:31:13.480 --> 00:31:18.400 of the deep, deep love of Jesus. 00:31:18.400 --> 00:31:22.759 Pour out, welling over for you. 00:31:22.759 --> 00:31:26.759 Be filled with that knowledge of his love 00:31:26.759 --> 00:31:29.880 so that when it is hard for you to love another, 00:31:29.880 --> 00:31:34.360 you have that resource welling up within you. 00:31:34.360 --> 00:31:36.839 Again, I know there's a lot more to be said on this. 00:31:36.839 --> 00:31:39.079 This is something that it's good for us to talk about 00:31:39.079 --> 00:31:41.440 and to go on talking about supporting one another 00:31:41.440 --> 00:31:42.599 in this theme. 00:31:42.599 --> 00:31:49.199 But here is the source of our love always, his love for us. 00:31:49.199 --> 00:31:52.000 And on that, I want to finish. 00:31:52.000 --> 00:31:53.679 Know his love for you. 00:31:53.679 --> 00:31:55.279 That's where the gospel comes in. 00:31:55.279 --> 00:31:58.919 And in this case, just right at the end of our study together. 00:31:58.919 --> 00:32:01.799 But it's foundational because it underpins all 00:32:01.799 --> 00:32:05.480 that we've been speaking about, about character. 00:32:05.480 --> 00:32:10.240 Because he loved us, we are prepared then to love another. 00:32:10.240 --> 00:32:13.279 And we are prepared to love another within the context 00:32:13.279 --> 00:32:16.440 of another bigger institution, the church, which 00:32:16.440 --> 00:32:19.519 can be costly for us to give ourselves to, 00:32:19.519 --> 00:32:22.200 to keep caring for others outside the parameters, 00:32:22.200 --> 00:32:26.559 even of our own four walls at home, in his love, 00:32:26.559 --> 00:32:28.680 remembering always all that he has done for us. 00:32:31.240 --> 00:32:32.440 There's more to be said. 00:32:32.440 --> 00:32:35.640 And we will, I hope, go on considering these things 00:32:35.640 --> 00:32:37.480 as a church and encouraging one another 00:32:37.480 --> 00:32:39.039 and praying for one another. 00:32:39.039 --> 00:32:41.159 But I'll leave it there just for now. 00:32:41.159 --> 00:32:41.920 Let me pray. 00:32:49.559 --> 00:32:53.279 Lord, in many different ways, we need your help 00:32:53.279 --> 00:32:55.279 and the clarity that you can give us 00:32:55.279 --> 00:32:56.559 when we look at your word. 00:32:56.559 --> 00:33:00.519 Help us tonight and encourage us. 00:33:00.519 --> 00:33:04.879 We pray, Lord, that you would be our sufficiency 00:33:04.880 --> 00:33:11.720 and that you would remind us again of your provision for us. 00:33:11.720 --> 00:33:17.560 Help us to find in you great joy and great satisfaction. 00:33:17.560 --> 00:33:21.120 And please give us wisdom. 00:33:21.120 --> 00:33:23.480 And please give us perseverance on all 00:33:23.480 --> 00:33:25.800 that we need in all of the different relationships 00:33:25.800 --> 00:33:28.040 that we have. 00:33:28.040 --> 00:33:30.080 And we ask for this. 00:33:30.080 --> 00:33:32.240 We really need to ask for this in the name of Jesus. 00:33:32.240 --> 00:33:35.240 Amen.