I was just handed a brand new book and I was told, why don't you give this away?
!
All right, great. This, I'll just read off the cover, 500,000 copies sold. This for the
last 30 plus years, let me just see when it actually came out, 91, 30 plus years has been
kind of the staple resource within broader Christianity for conflict resolution, whether
it's interpersonal or whether it's between organizations. It's Ken Sandy's book called
The Peacemaker, a biblical guide to resolving personal conflict.
So there's so much help in this book. It'll do all the philosophical foundational stuff.
It will also do a lot of practical stuff. And when it's that long, it can do both.
Let me say, how do I want to, how do I want to do this? I could just say who feels like
they need this the most, but that would be more confession than anything.
All right, let's do this to the person whose birthday is closest to today.
Oh, when's your birthday?
February 14th.
Okay, who's closer?
March 9th.
Oh, can somebody do the math for me on that?
Yes.
February 26th.
Oh, no math needed. Can we beat February 26th?
Did you say February 14th?
Yes.
Oh, that's very sweet.
Congratulations. Can you pass that?
It's Valentine's Day. That's why it's sweet.
You have no idea how many heart-shaped cakes I need.
I'm sure.
After having given away a book, can I give you six other recommendations? You can jot them down.
Unless they're included in your intro stuff.
I don't know that Todd asked me for book recommendations. I sent them to him.
I don't know why he asked me if he was going to include them or not.
But let me just give them to you.
There is a reduced version of that book called Resolving Everyday Conflict.
That's by Ken Sandy.
Then this author chose a different angle for the title.
It's a very good book.
But If You Bite and Devour One Another.
That's language straight out of one of the epistles.
But If You Bite and Devour One Another by Alexander Strauch.
S-T-R-A-U-C-H.
That's going to be...
Ken's books are going to be a bit more on the practitioner side.
Like the practical.
Alexander Strauch's is going to be a little more of a biblical handling of these things.
Both are valuable.
Probably good side by side.
A couple more contemporary books written in the last 10 years.
Living Reconciled.
By P. Brian Noble.
A good companion for that is Pursuing Peace.
By Robert Jones.
And just two more.
I don't recommend my book every time I speak.
But I am going to recommend it here.
Particularly...
You know it focuses on marriage.
But with these words.
I've already referenced why it's relevant to this topic.
That's by yours truly.
And then I actually listed this in my list to Todd as a bonus book.
War of Words by Paul Tripp.
War of Words.
I'd say War of Words was certainly the first book I read on Christian communication
that had a really formative impact on me in just my regular conversations.
So it's not so much a conflict resolution book as it is what is the essence and the substance
of Christian communication.
Very good.
Paul is a very engaging writer.
Great storyteller.
So those are some recommendations if you want to go to the next level in pursuing this
or dive deeper into one element.
But let's jump into the issue of forgiveness.
We've talked a lot about conflict.
We've talked about our own hearts.
Our own contributions to conflict.
For conflict to kind of cross the finish line into resolution,
you have to go through the gauntlet of forgiveness.
This is essentially going to address how do we respond when we are actually wronged.
Okay, so I've titled it Why and How I Should Forgive.
And it's a very creative title because the first half is going to focus on why.
The second half is going to focus on how.
Okay, let me tell you, if you do end up getting the book I wrote,
the whole introduction tells this story in long form.
But let me tell you it in short form.
I was a Christian.
I felt like walking well with the Lord.
I got saved when I was 19.
Met Gina.
We started dating, I guess, when I was 22.
And we were married towards the very end of being 24.
I liked her.
And she liked me.
I don't mean like like in the awkward love sense,
but I actually enjoyed her as a person.
Then we got married.
And it went really bad really fast.
Five days in, actually.
We were on our honeymoon.
And we had the worst conflict of our marriage.
And I say that, I need to give you context.
Not the worst conflict we had had in our five days of marriage.
But I told you we're celebrating 30 years.
The worst conflict we've ever had in the 30 years of marriage.
It was ugly.
And we both, while still on our honeymoon that night,
really began despairing of the choice we made to get married.
We muscled out the rest of the honeymoon.
And when we got back to home,
we essentially spent a few months, three or four months,
just sniping and arguing constantly.
Until neither of us could do that anymore.
And we just stopped talking.
Like, stopped talking to one another.
Like, stopped talking to one another, just to be clear.
And it was just silent.
This cold war kind of ensued.
That went on until about 18 months into the marriage,
where we were told to go to a marriage conference for help.
And we both went to that first conference saying,
man, I hope she's listening to this.
I hope he's listening to this, right?
Then, for some reason, God chose to act.
I don't think either of us did anything particularly Christianly.
But he chose to act in just poor grace.
And then everything we learned at that conference
kind of came back and started to work on our own souls.
We both had this weeks of confession to one another,
sweet times of sorrow for what happened between us.
And once grace was on the scene,
we got to a place where we could actually forgive one another.
What was needed...
Well, let me finish, kind of put the period at the end of that sentence.
It was then that we started both to have this real passion
to help married couples.
Because I was leading worship at my church through that whole time.
And I was looking at a whole congregation of people
that didn't look as happy as Gina and I looked.
And I know what Gina and I were like at home.
And it just struck me, moved me,
what's actually going on in these homes,
in these people's lives,
that you don't see on their face on Sunday mornings.
So we just pressed in, studied like crazy.
That's when I read War of Words, by the way,
to bring that full circle.
And just started pressing into people's lives.
I read every counseling book I could get my hand on
so that I could be useful to people back then.
And the Lord has seen fit to keep me in counseling ever since.
But I tell that story in this context for this reason.
The thing that was needed,
there's a lot that was needed in the flood marriage at that point.
Humility, awareness of enemy number one, two, and three.
You know, all of that was needed in our marriage.
But when you go high enough,
what was really needed was the grace of God.
It was needed.
And then once grace was on the scene,
the next step was very obvious to us.
But this whole message is geared to,
in case it's not obvious to everybody,
once grace is on the scene,
the next step that was needed was forgiveness.
She was awful to me during those 18 months.
And I was awful to her.
We never would have gotten past it
by just starting to communicate better,
by just starting to read our Bibles better.
We needed to free one another
from what we had done to one another.
And that's where it stops being a marriage illustration.
It just goes into regular relationships.
If you're going to get through an injustice
to a place of either reconciliation,
if that's what God has,
or at least freedom from bitterness,
there's going to have to be
this bridge of forgiveness you cross.
Now,
I want to argue for you,
the way I think the Bible does,
not whether you should forgive.
We're told to forgive as the Lord has forgiven you,
so also you should forgive.
That's a very plain, straightforward sentence
that there's no getting out of.
That's the call.
But why?
We could just say,
well, because God says so.
But God doesn't even stop there.
He gives us reasons to forgive.
Let's cover that before we look at how.
And this is the territory
that Gina and I had to discover 28 years ago.
Still have to go there now
when we do sin against each other,
because newsflash, we still do that.
But this is the territory we'll all have to visit
if we're going to get to a place
of forgiving those who wrong us.
And it's going to be in Matthew 18.
Nearly the entire chapter focuses on forgiveness.
Jesus starts, I'm going to summarize the chapter.
We're eventually going to the end of the chapter,
the parable at the end.
So I'm going to give a quick flyover
to get us down to verse 21.
He starts with the seriousness of sin,
but he then quickly transitions
to the seriousness of forgiveness.
And he has illustrations he gives there.
There's the illustration of the lost sheep
and the amount of celebrating that happens in heaven
when one sheep who's lost, that's been found.
Heaven rejoices.
He then goes on after that illustration
to talk about what is often referred to
as the church discipline portion of Matthew 18.
I've already told one of you during the break,
I'm not a fan of that.
I do think it's a good structure for church discipline.
I'm not contesting that.
I support that.
But I don't know that church discipline
was what was in mind at first.
Jesus is talking about forgiveness
and about being wronged.
And so when you get to that first step,
if a brother sins against you,
go to him in private and show him his fault.
What's in view there?
So you can check off the first box
to kick him out of the church.
No, it's to reconcile.
It's to forgive.
It's to see if that private conversation
can resolve this issue.
If he doesn't listen to you,
then kick him out of the church.
No.
If he doesn't listen to you,
bring two or three others along with you.
That's not just to get their testimony on your side.
It's to increase the severity of this issue
so that this reconciliation,
forgiveness really matters here.
There needs to be that acknowledgement of sin
for reconciliation to happen.
If that doesn't happen,
let's expand it even further
and tell it to the church.
Again, that's not to shame the person,
but that's to call them to a place of repentance.
Whether it's sin directly against God,
it may not be a sin against anyone in particular,
or a sin against another member of the church.
It's to call them to repentance.
And then in the absence of repentance,
Jesus is holding out.
Okay, that is doing your due diligence
to contend for forgiveness and reconciliation.
If that doesn't happen,
then remove them from the church.
Okay, so I'm in support of that being
the structure of our church discipline.
I just think it has much broader application
for relationships and forgiveness
because that's what Jesus is talking about all along.
At the end of that church discipline section,
I'm skipping over the portion where
if two or three of you are gathering,
you agree,
whatever's bound in heaven is bound on earth,
skip over to that.
The apostles clearly know the whole time
Jesus is talking about forgiveness
because we come to the actual passage
we're going to look at.
Peter's response when Jesus is done teaching,
what question does he say?
You know, how should we practice this
in our church polity?
No, he doesn't say that.
Again, it's a fine application,
but that's not what he says.
He says,
Lord, how often will my brother sin against me
and I forgive him?
This is verse 21.
As many as seven times.
So Peter's tracking.
Jesus is talking about forgiveness this whole time.
How often am I supposed to forgive a repeat offender?
Someone who keeps doing the same thing to me.
And Peter's like,
all right, let me give a ridiculous number
so Jesus can say,
yes, Peter,
that's more than enough
and Peter can look great, right?
As many as seven times.
And Jesus gives him a crazier number.
I do not say to you seven times,
but 77 times.
Now just imagine,
if they had that mind-blown emoji,
it would have appeared over all their heads then, right?
It's just like,
what does that even mean?
Like, how in the world,
why would we forgive somebody 77 times?
And so Jesus doesn't wait for them
to ask the why question.
He says,
I do not say to you seven times,
but 77 times.
And then he goes into why.
Why am I saying that?
And this is a good time to remind you
of the qualifier I gave last time.
I'm not intending you to draw a straight line
from this to your relationship
if that relationship has been grievously wrong.
Abuse situations.
Unsafe situations.
We want to take this teaching.
It does apply.
But we don't want to draw a straight line
to by four o'clock,
you're calling that person who did that to you.
I'm not saying that at all.
Get counsel.
There's wisdom in many counselors.
But in the vast majority of our scenarios,
we probably should consider
what a straight line looks like here.
Okay?
Jesus goes straight into the why.
Okay?
He starts to say,
therefore,
so he says not seven times,
but 77 times.
Therefore,
and then we're into the parable.
So in your outlines,
I'm going to know why should I forgive?
Scene one,
the king and the debtor.
Let's just look at the first several verses
of the parable.
Therefore,
the kingdom of heaven
may be compared to a king
who wished to settle accounts
with his servants.
When he began to settle,
he was brought to him,
he,
one was brought to him
who owed him
10,000 talents.
Now that is a ridiculous amount of money.
Nobody could ever pay that back.
One wonders how he got that far into debt
to the master in the first place,
but I don't think that's the point.
The point is he owes a debt
he can never repay.
And since he could not pay,
his master ordered him to be sold
with his wife and children
and all that he had
and payment to be made.
Essentially,
he is,
he's defaulted on his loan
and the master is saying,
all right,
let me see if I can get 10 cents
on the dollar here.
Let me sell him
and his kids
and all his assets.
I'll get out of it when I can.
That's what he's doing there.
So the servant
fell on his knees
imploring him,
have patience with me
and I will pay you everything.
And out of pity for him,
not because it was a great deal
for the master,
out of pity for him,
the master of that servant
released him
and forgave the debt.
The first half
of what this guy says
is really solid.
Have patience with me.
It's a place of humility,
isn't it?
It's a place of saying,
I can't pay this now,
I'm pleading for mercy.
The next thing he says
is a little troublesome.
And I will pay you everything.
Everybody knew he had no way
of paying him any of that.
Right?
But somehow,
he's saying,
okay, listen,
I can get myself out of this.
It's like a gambler
whose debt is so grand,
he just needs to go hit
on that one big bet
and pay it all back.
Okay?
I'll pay you everything.
But the master doesn't say,
okay, check back with me
in 30 days.
He didn't negotiate.
The master forgave.
Have pity on me.
He had pity.
Be patient with me.
He gave him patience.
So, guys,
we're not supposed to,
right now,
identify with the master.
We're first,
in the story,
supposed to identify ourselves
as this servant.
The servant who owes God
an immeasurable debt.
One we could never repay.
That's us.
So, Peter says,
as many as seven times,
he's like,
okay, okay,
wait a second.
Peter,
you're going to be
the servant in this case.
Let's first visit
how God has forgiven you.
Let's start there.
He owes 10,000 talents
and the master forgave them.
Okay?
And that would be
an incredible story.
We could read that
to our kids,
tuck them in bed at night.
But there is a part two
to this story
and it's the servant
and his debtor.
Okay, look at verse 28.
But when that same servant
went out,
he found one of his fellow servants
who owed him
a hundred denarii.
And seizing him,
he began to choke him,
saying,
pay what you owe.
So his fellow servant
fell down
and pleaded with him,
have patience with me
and I will pay you.
He refused
and went
and put him in prison
until he should pay the debt.
Now,
immeasurable debt
owed to the master.
I'm trying to remember
what the study Bible says.
Some of you may have it
right in front of you
with 10,000 denarii.
It's like 200 years of work,
something like that.
Yeah,
it's like
it's a seven something billion.
Like,
that's quite a debt.
Like,
you know,
that's a problem.
A hundred denarii,
for basic purposes,
denarii is a day's wage.
Okay?
So this guy was owed
just over three months
of wages
where he owed
seven point something billion.
Okay?
But,
so Jesus is using
two extremes here
in this story.
The amount that I owed
and the amount that's owed to me.
The extremes.
The second thing he does
masterfully
is this servant
says the same thing
that this guy said
to the master.
Have patience with me
and I will repay you.
Now,
the story would be glorious
if he's like,
hey, listen,
in light
of the immeasurable debt
I've been forgiven.
It's my joy
to forgive you
the hundred denarii.
Brother,
go in peace.
Your debts forgiven.
But he throws this guy
in prison.
Now,
I don't know.
You only surmise
why that would be.
Maybe he refused
to receive the forgiveness
from the master
and didn't like
that place of humility,
of humiliation,
of being in need
of that much mercy.
And let me squeeze
a hundred out of this guy.
Let me squeeze a hundred
out of this guy.
Let me pay back
what I can.
Not living as a forgiven person,
but living as a person
who's still in debt.
Maybe
he's like,
all right,
well,
I've been forgiven that.
Let me stock up
on more money
so I don't go into debt.
We don't know
why he did this,
but there's a clear
incongruency here
between how he's been treated
and how he is treated.
And when he heard,
even though he went
after this guy
to collect the debt,
when he heard,
have patience with me
and I will pay you,
it should have jarred him.
It's like,
oh,
I've heard that before
and I've benefited
greatly from that.
That should have jarred him,
but clearly it did not.
He sends the guy
to prison.
There's a third part
in this story.
It comes with
Jesus' application.
It stings a little bit,
so buckle up.
Here we go.
The master executes justice.
Verse 31,
when his fellow servants
saw what had taken place,
they were greatly distressed.
Why?
They saw the incongruency.
They saw it.
And they went
and reported to their master
all that had taken place.
Then his master summoned him
and said to him,
you wicked servant,
I forgave you
all that debt
because you pleaded with me.
And should not you
have had mercy
on your fellow servant
as I had mercy on you?
And in anger,
his master delivered him
to the jailers
until he should pay
all his debt.
Now we have to be
very careful.
Parables,
I'm just going real quick,
you guys probably
already know this.
Parables are told
with a main point in mind.
We're not supposed
to exegete parables
the way we exegete
epistles.
We shouldn't come
to the end of this story
and be like,
well,
if he was genuinely born again,
did the master
take away his salvation?
That's not the point
of this parable.
The point of this parable,
Jesus tells us,
so also my father
will do to every one of you,
listen,
if you do not forgive
your brother
from your heart.
Jesus gives us
this long story
to underscore
a principle
that forgiven people
ought to be
forgiving people.
forgiven people
ought to be
forgiving people.
Why?
Because being forgiven
makes us nice?
No.
Because being forgiven
should make us
eternally grateful.
We should be
grateful,
so overwhelmed
with gratitude
gratitude.
For the punishment
of sin,
we don't have to pay.
For the consequences
of sin,
for the assurance
we have
once we're born again
that even our
ongoing sin,
the places we continue
to fall,
don't jeopardize
our standing
before God
because our standing
before God
is secured
in the completed
work of Jesus.
all judgment
for our sin,
past,
present,
and future
has been poured
out on Christ.
So,
this doesn't just
make us forgiven,
it gives us
security.
And we
enjoy an assurance
of heaven
as born-again
believers
because of the
finished work
of Christ.
It is finished
means something.
And so then,
being forgiven
and secured
the way we are
ought to then
influence how we
treat those
who wrong us.
What has been
committed against us
will never equate.
We don't have
any
10,000
denarii people
who sin
against us.
And here's why.
There are certainly
degrees of sin
and there are
some of us
have certainly
been sinned
against
more than
others
or in a
more grievous
way.
There's heinous,
awful sin.
But that sin
is committed
between two
fallen people
as opposed
to our sin
committed
against a
holy God.
It's sin
of another
nature
that creates
the incredible
debt that we
owe God
before our
salvation.
And so,
the image
that we are
given here
is to
forgive
as your
heavenly
father
has forgiven
you.
And gang,
this leads
us to this
place of
gratitude.
We need to
cultivate
gratitude.
If you're not
regularly
overwhelmed
with gratitude
at the mercy
you've received,
I just want to
encourage you,
revisit the
cross.
Revisit
the work,
what the
cross's
implications
are.
Revisit
the fact
that before
you were
dead in
your
trespasses
and sins,
but God
made you
alive together
with Christ.
Review the
fact that
when you
were lost,
the things
of God
are foolishness
to those
who are
perishing,
but to
those who
have the
Spirit,
they are
everlasting
life.
Just
review what
you have
in Christ
and realize
the only
reason you
have it,
what do
you have
that you
have not
been given?
And so
if you've
been given
it,
why do
you act
as though
it belongs
to you?
It's yours.
Right?
Everything we
have,
wisdom,
intelligence,
finances,
soundness of
mind,
safety,
whatever we
have is a
gift from
God.
And so
we live
aware of
that gift.
We live
in gratitude
of those
gifts and
we treat
others as
someone who
has been
treated with
great generosity
ourselves.
This parable
is one of
those places
that holds
out gratitude,
that holds
that out for
us in
striking terms.
Now the
question,
once you've
cultivated that
gratitude,
once you
have it,
how do
you now
forgive?
How do
you walk
through it?
Let me
draw some
principles from
the parable.
I've just
underscored a
couple of
them,
but let me
keep doing
them.
People sin.
Dogs bark,
fish swim,
people sin.
That's how it
works,
okay?
You're people,
so you do
it too,
right?
So we
shouldn't be
shocked in
our lives when
we're sinned
against.
Now some
particular sins
are very
shocking,
but it
shouldn't in
the end be
a shock.
How could
that person
do that?
We are all
capable of
the vilest
of sin if
it weren't
for the
staying grace
of God.
We need
to know
that about
ourselves so
that we can
respond properly
to the sin
that's committed
around us
and committed
to us.
So if you're
going to thrive
in relationships,
you're going to
have to bring
this expectation
that people
sin.
I've used
marriage as
an illustration.
It's beautiful
in this picture.
You've got two
sinners that
are married and
joined into
one flesh.
That's a
beautiful picture,
but it's also
crowded for two
sinners in one
flesh.
They've got to
work out all
their sin in
that one person
that gets
formed.
In a
household,
when you're
with people
24-7,
kids,
I don't know
if any of
you have
kids,
but you've
all been
a kid.
And so
when people
live together,
their sin
rubs off on
one another,
right?
There's all
this sin
going all
over the
place.
We just
have to
stop being
surprised by
it.
So let
me provide
four points
of application
from this
parable.
First,
I just
said keep
yourself
grateful.
And I
included here
Ephesians 5-20,
give thanks
always and
for everything
to God
the Father
in the name
of our
Lord Jesus
Christ.
I do love
when the
epistles use
those awkward
words like
always and
everything.
Okay,
give thanks
always and
everything.
gratitude is
a Christian
virtue.
It's not
just this
awesome app
you download
onto your
Christian life.
It's an
actual core
virtue that
we need to
cultivate,
one of
gratitude.
Second,
keep
others'
sin in
perspective.
This is
where the
servant
failed.
He treated
the guy who
owed him
100 denarii
in the same
exact way
that he was
going to be
treated for
the 10,000
talents.
There was
disproportion in
the consequence
because he
allowed their
debts to
lose,
the guy who
owed him to
lose perspective.
How do we
do that?
Why do we
do that?
Because when
we're sinned
against, we
foster bitterness.
And then what
happens is the
person who
sinned against
us now has
to answer not
only for what
they did,
but for what
we did with
what they
did.
So if we
fostered
bitterness and
hatred and
we've lost
sleep, and
now they're
accountable for
all of that.
And so we
immediately begin
to lose
perspective on
what people
have done as
though we
could never
do it.
The fact that
I could
never do
what that
person did,
just catch
yourself there.
it's almost
never true.
So I'm
not trying to
diminish the
hurt that
comes with
this, but I
am trying to
show you here
in keeping
others'
sin in
perspective that
we have
access to a
gospel that's
stronger than
the effect of
people's sin.
People's sin
really does hurt
us, but we
have a gospel
that's bigger
and stronger
than that,
so that we
don't have to
relate to
people according
to their
iniquities.
After all,
I'm sure you've
already made the
connection, God
doesn't treat us
according to our
iniquities.
It's not that he
sets aside justice,
all of that
actually matters,
it does, but
you'll never
actually be able
to pursue
justice
righteously if
you don't deal
with this first.
third.
Walk through the
steps of
forgiveness.
There are very
important ingredients
for forgiveness
to be
actualized.
Okay, let me
just lay out
four of them,
I could probably
insert a few
others.
Acknowledge that
you've been
wronged.
It doesn't
really do us
any good,
even if we're
trying to
overlook an
offense,
it doesn't
do us any
good to
say, oh,
what they
did wasn't
wrong.
I'm sure it
was.
Maybe it's just
a personality
thing that's
annoying you,
that's different.
But if the
person's actually
sinned, they've
done a wrong,
they've been
wronged.
They've done
wrong, you've
been wronged.
So if you're
going to actually
get to a place
of forgiveness,
you have to
acknowledge that
you've been
wronged.
And actual
injustice has
happened here.
you are
technically
owed a
debt.
Second,
allow their
sin to
remind you
of your
state as
a sinner.
This is
where this
guy fell
short.
When you're
struggling,
if you can't
overlook a
sin and it's
lingering in
your soul,
just take that
next step of
reminding yourself
of how you've
been treated
as a sinner
by God.
Let me tell you
a story.
When I was in
the Pastors
College for
Sovereign Grace
2007 to
2008, and
one of our
teachers there,
the class was
Christian Holiness,
I think is the
title of the
class, was
taught by Jerry
Bridges.
Anybody here
know Jerry
Bridges?
Sean Wu.
They don't know
him personally.
No, no, no.
But do you
know who Jerry
Bridges is?
Sean Wu.
Okay, yeah.
Okay, so
trusting God,
transforming grace,
disciplines of
grace, Sean.
All right, well,
listen, I'm going
to tell you a
story about Jerry
Bridges that will
be sweet.
After you read
his books, it'll
really be profound.
Okay, so Jerry
Bridges was teaching
this class.
He was 80
something at the
time.
And he came
in on Thursday
morning, red-eyed.
Irrespectable
sins would be
another one.
Yeah, he was
red-eyed, like
he had been
crying, or had
a hangover, I
assume he was
crying.
And so he was
gathering himself,
blotting his
eyes, and somebody
in the class just
said, Dr.
Bridges, are you
okay?
And he said,
well, let me
tell you a story.
I'm going to tell
you what he
said.
He said, this
morning in my
devotions, which
right there should
humble everybody,
because he's 80
something, still
doing his
devotions.
This morning in
my devotions, the
Lord convicted me
of a sin that I've
been committing, I
think, my whole
Christian life.
And he's just
chosen today to be
the day to convict
me of it.
He has forbeard
with me for 60
years without ever
pointing this out.
How good is God?
He starts crying
again, right?
God acknowledged it
was wrong when it
was best for Jerry
to deal with that.
And in that
moment, God was
bringing attention
to Jerry's
sinful state.
Now, Jerry
has, I've never
known him
personally,
personally.
I mean, I've been
in his presence,
we've talked, but
he's a gracious
man who treats
others the way
we're talking
about.
But even at
84, I think he
might have been,
there are sins
you're committing
now that God's just
not pointing out
to you.
He's bearing
with them.
Okay?
You may be
called to do
that with
somebody.
When they
grow in
Christ more,
they'll see
this clearly.
I can bear
with this
now.
And then
there are those
things that you
can't, that have
to be addressed,
and we talked
about addressing
those earlier.
But allow
their sin to
just remind you
of your own
sinful state.
then, next,
embrace that
Jesus bled for
their injustice
and for yours.
I find it very,
very helpful
when I'm at
odds with
somebody to
remind myself
of two things,
assuming they're
a Christian.
Well, first,
they're image
bearers of God.
Then, assuming
they're a Christian,
they're covered
in the same
blood that
needed to cover
me.
I'm going to
be spending
eternity with
this person.
These are just
good reminders
for us to
embrace the
Christian worldview
of who they
are, that
Jesus bled
for this
sin that
they've just
committed against
me, Christ
died for.
And then
cast their
sin into
the sea of
forgetfulness.
Now, that's
where God
has put your
sin.
And he
doesn't relate
to you
as that
person who
keeps failing
and keeps
offending.
He relates
to you as
one who is
forgiven,
freed from
the weight
of your
sin.
That's what
Matthew 18
here is
holding out
for us.
Now, God
has the
holy ability
to cast
things into
the sea of
forgetfulness,
and we
will struggle
with that
more.
Let me
take an
excursus
here.
When are
we here
till?
Three?
We have to
be cleaned
up by
them,
though,
right?
Yeah,
yeah,
yeah.
Okay,
great.
This is
not an
hour-long
excursus,
don't worry
about it,
it's just
a minute.
I'm trying
to see how
many of
these I
can take.
There's a
distinction
between
having a
posture of
forgiveness
and being
able to be
restored and
forgiven.
there's a
distinction
there.
One is
needed for
the other
to occur,
but there's
a distinction
there.
There's
this posture.
I have,
as far as
that Romans
12,
18,
as far as
it depends
on me,
I'm living
at peace.
I'm standing
ready to be
reconciled to
this person.
It's what
happened on
the cross
when Jesus
said,
forgive them,
Father,
for they
know not
what they
do.
The person
was not
asking for
forgiveness.
It was
Jesus'
posture to
release and
forgive.
But actual
reconciliation
doesn't happen
until that
forgiveness is
transactional,
where the
person acknowledges
their wrongdoing,
asks for that
forgiveness that
you're already
postured to
grant.
Okay?
The burden
of forgiveness,
the burden of
reconciliation,
does not rest on
you alone.
you can do
everything that
God has called
you to do
and still not
achieve that
because that
depends on
another person.
Does that
make sense
what I'm
saying?
It's important
to think in
those theological
terms so that
you don't carry
some burden
you ought not
be carrying.
But I don't
want to so not
carry that that
you're not
carrying any
burden.
We are called
to tend to
our own soul
and to engage
in these things
in this way.
The last thing
I want to
highlight for
you coming
out of the
parable,
and it's an
uncomfortable
one to
explore,
but it's
there.
Don't put
boundaries on
your forgiveness.
Essentially,
when Jesus
says 77
times,
you can
imagine Peter
just going
all wide-eyed
and saying,
what?
And Jesus
just saying,
no boundaries,
Peter,
no.
No,
you forgive
and you
forgive.
Now,
that doesn't
mean we
treat all
sin the
same.
It doesn't
mean we
continue to
allow others
to treat us
and disregard
us.
What it
does mean
is that our
forgiving posture
toward that
sin ought
not have an
expiration date.
Okay?
So,
I'm not trying
to whitewash
it all and
make all sin
the same.
I'm not trying
to somehow
just make
it look good
on the
outside
and let
all of
this
broken
depravity
happen in
relationships.
I'm not
saying that
there's not
a time for
you to stand
up and defend
yourself and
step into a
better situation
and get out
from underneath
this.
all those
things ought to
be pursued.
I said
earlier, I
forget if it
was to a
person or
from here,
a personal
conversation or
here, but
the God of
mercy and
forgiveness is
also the
God of
justice and
judgment.
Those things
matter, but
we can't
pursue justice
and judgment
in unrighteousness.
We have to
deal with this
personal stuff
first.
So, having
a posture
of forgiveness
positions us
to best
pursue
righteousness
and to
pursue
justice.
So, what
of the
chronic
offender?
Here's a few
extreme examples.
What of the
repeat adulterer
or a violent
abuser?
Ought we
forgive them?
Okay, good
question.
Now, in the
posture, the
truest sense
of the word,
the person
receiving that
abuse, the
person receiving
that gross
mistreatment,
is most
freed when
they're most
forgiving.
That does
not mean,
however, that
you're to go
back to that
relationship.
That does not
mean you're to
go back to
that situation.
This all
needs wisdom
and nuance.
But we
don't want to
skirt ourselves
out from the
plain teaching
of Scripture
Scripture.
Forgiveness
is not
enabling.
It's not
designed to
be enablement.
It's not
overlooking
heinous sin.
It does not
mean you stay
in bad
situations.
It doesn't
mean you
avoid the
authorities.
There are
times where
my direct
counsel is
call the
police,
have the
person
removed,
and then
we'll talk
about any
heart issues
that exist.
this dangerous
situation has
to stop.
I keep
using these
extreme
examples so
you're not
hearing what
I'm not
saying.
Okay?
It just
means that
our posture
while doing
wise and
just things
is to
reflect the
teaching of
Scripture and
release the
person from
the debt
they owe.
Why?
Because our
debt has
been released.
That's the
crux of
the end of
Matthew 18,
the climax
of the
chapter.
Now let me
give you a
few pitfalls,
things that
happen in
our lives
that work
against a
forgiving
posture.
First is
isolation and
alienation.
This has
made all the
more possible
in the last
15, 20
years as we
have cell
phones and
social media
and all of
these things,
FaceTime,
these kinds
of things,
they're
wonderful,
but they're
poor replacements
for actual
relationships.
So I'm not
casting shade
on all that
stuff, but I
am saying
that we have
to realize
there are
limitations
to, you
know, having
1,200 social
media friends.
That's very
different from
having 12
real friends.
We have to
see the
difference, the
substantive
difference
there.
Okay?
And the
former, that
electronic
community, allows
you to
cultivate and
curate so
you only see
things on your
social media
feeds that you
want to see,
you block
things you
don't want to
see, you
block people
you don't want
to hear from,
you only allow
people you do
want to hear
from, and
then it seems
like everybody
agrees with you.
That's simply
because you've
filtered out all
the people who
don't.
right?
We can
curate that,
and that's
fine for the
technology that
it is, but
when we think
that's real
relationship, when
we think that's
real community
is when we
get in
trouble.
We are
prone, when
we see
people that
wrong us, we
are prone
to forget
the good
about them,
the humanizing
qualities that
they have.
we isolate,
we alienate,
and we only
rehearse the
wrongdoing.
Okay, so
when a
situation develops
into a
conflict, consider
that the
debate in
the comment
section has
outlived its
unusefulness,
right?
If you're
going back and
forth on a
comment section
or texting
or whatever,
at some
point, ring
the phone,
call and
talk to the
person.
I mean, my
normal MO,
I don't post
a lot, but
my normal
MO in a
texting
conversation or
messaging in
some form
conversation, if
it starts to
get contentious,
my next text is,
hey, I'm going
to give you a
call in about
a minute.
And I just
call them.
We got to
take it
three-dimensional
and get it
out of the
two-dimensional
relationship.
Okay, you
want to see if
you and that
person that
you're disagreeing
with can get
face-to-face.
Now you've got
facial expression
and body language,
all that
helps healthy
communication.
Isolation and
alienation work
against all
healthy
communication.
Okay, so
that's the first
thing.
And something
that opposes
forgiveness and
grace.
Second is
narratives and
closed loops.
I've already
talked about your
social media
closed loop.
But this is a
caution.
All right, I'm
hoping I don't
step on landmines
here.
This is a
caution in our
lives just to
be careful about
the news sources
that we get our
news from, the
circles of
friends that we
have.
If there's
nobody in your
circle of friends
that disagrees with
you on anything,
when we surround
ourselves with
news that always
agrees with the
perspective we
already have or
friends who already
agree with the
perspective that we
have, we're robbing
ourselves of the
whole story.
We're accepting our
blind spots and
we're just friends
and with people who
have all the same
blind spots.
So if the focus in
a conflict is
relational issues,
just be careful that
you don't surround
yourself with people
who already dislike
that person.
You follow what I'm
saying?
Reach out to
someone who you
know will tell you
the truth, even if
it's hard for you to
hear.
We've got to love
truth so much that
we resist the
temptation to
curate our
narratives and our
community.
The church is a
great place to cut
against this trend.
Because Sean, from
the whoever fills the
pulpit, they're going
to tell you truth.
And if you're sitting
live, there's at least
social pressure to
stay and listen to it.
If you're watching the
streaming, did you
stream your services?
Okay, good for you.
But if you're watching
or listening to a
message, you don't
like what you hear, you
just jump over to a
podcast or you just
shut it off.
That's a good time to
use the restroom.
But if you're in a
church, it's awkward.
And tomorrow when I'm
preaching, I'm going to
be watching you.
It's awkward to just
stand up and walk
out, right?
The church is a great
place to cut against
your pre-fixed
worldviews.
And community,
properly built in the
church, is a great
place to benefit from
the differing grace
given to one another.
All right, next.
Caricatures of
character.
That's when we allow
somebody to become
nothing more than the
wrong things that
they've done.
We two-dimensionalize
an image-bearer of
God, all the while
considering ourselves
in three-dimension.
Now listen, this is a
well-tested historical
tactic.
I won't give any
specific examples.
But different nations
throughout the course of
human history, two-
dimensionalize the
enemy.
With derogatory terms,
calling attention just
to things that are
different and foreign.
And when you can
two-dimensionalize the
enemy in a soldier's
mind, he never has to
think about pulling a
trigger against a
three-dimensional person.
It's a well-established
tactic, training for
military, that you
two-dimensionalize the
enemy to make them
easier to kill.
Now hopefully nobody
here is looking to kill
anything.
But the point here is
actually the same.
you can foment some
pretty significant
long-standing anger if
you two-dimensionalize a
person.
But if you're willing to
see, let's say, that
community group leader who
did this really awful
thing to me, if you're
willing to also see them
as a loving husband and a
loving father and a
faithful worker and a
member of the community,
and you're willing to see
them, yeah, they did this
wrong to me, but look at
that really nice thing they
did.
Like, that has to
three-dimensionalize
people, and now it's just
a whole lot harder to
keep them in the prison of
your bitterness if you
allow them to be
three-dimensional.
What we do is we
caricature people.
And you know what a
caricature is.
It's a drawing that
highlights particular
features over and above
other features, and it
pictures a person out of
proportion.
It's like a funhouse
mirror.
We want to make sure we
are living in reality.
And whatever person,
whatever person in your
political worldview that
sits on or stands for the
other side of the aisle,
they're three-dimensional
people.
We need to think of the
people in our lives that
are on our side and not
as three-dimensional
people and not consider
them as caricatures.
And then lastly here on
this section, winning
battles and losing wars.
We can sometimes take a
12-year relationship and
over one disagreement throw
the whole thing in the
trash.
Now listen, there are
those, I keep making these
qualifiers, there are such
grievous actions that
perhaps that's even
appropriate.
But again, I keep saying
we're not talking about
those rare, we're talking
about the more common
things. We can take
10 years of church
membership
and because of one
thing a pastor does,
who, let me remind you,
is also a sinner,
because of one thing a
pastor does, we'll leave
our church family to go to
another church.
And I just want to say
we ought not.
We ought not take
all of
a relationship and throw it
away over one battle.
We try to win one
battle and we spend so
much equity on one
battle that we actually
end up losing in the end
anyway.
Okay, that stands in
opposition to a posture
of peace.
So what do we do?
I've got those math
equations you see there
on the end, apply grace.
I call this the mercy
equation.
You'll see why.
What we want to arrive at
is a simple addition
solution that is, you
have an offender in a
conflict and you have an
offended in a conflict.
What can we add to those
two givens that results
in the sum of mercy?
Okay, so let's, there's a
first one where I fill in a
blank there.
Offender plus offended
plus anger.
When you add anger to the
mix, it doesn't end up in
mercy.
That's revenge.
That's what Paul was
warning us against doing
where it says, you know,
do not avenge yourselves.
Vengeance is mine, says the
Lord.
Therefore, if your enemy is
hungry, feed him.
Okay, he's trying to get
you to mercy and he's
protecting you from doing
that by making sure you
don't add anger as a
posture in this situation.
So, okay, next we have
offender and offended.
What if we add self-pity?
That actually doesn't take
us to mercy.
That takes us to
victimhood.
Now, your self-worth is
determined by what's been
committed against you.
And that's a distinctly
non-Christian worldview.
Okay, so we don't, it's
certainly appropriate to
sorrow over what's been
done to us.
If your definition of
self-pity is that big, let
me protect you there.
But as a settled position
of self-pity, you're now
going to have to overcome
the victimhood mentality
you've just put yourself
in.
Okay, so what do we add to
offender and offended?
We add grace.
Grace for the sinner
recognizes that, who they
are, recognizes that even
if they ask forgiveness
right away, they're never
going to be able to undo
what was just done.
There has to be a releasing
for that relationship to
move forward.
They could try to pay you
money.
They could try to pay you
back.
Words don't get taken back.
Actions don't get taken
back.
Forgiveness gets asked, but
only happens when it's
granted.
And that's what we've been
working on this whole time.
That's grace.
When you add grace to the
picture, you end up with
mercy, which is the result
of forgiveness.
Richard Sibb says it would
be a good contest
amongst Christians.
One, to labor to give
no offense, and the
other, to labor to take
none.
The best men are severe
to themselves, tender
over others.
I want to break that down
just a little bit, and
then we'll end on that.
The best men are severe
to themselves.
Are you suspicious of what
you bring to the table in
conflict?
Do you have an
acknowledgement that you
might be part of the
problem?
Not always, but are you
always willing to ask that
question?
Okay?
Then, tender over others.
Am I willing to extend
grace as one who's received?
Am I willing to extend
mercy as one who has
received?
To extend forgiveness
forgiveness?
As the Lord has forgiven,
so you also shall forgive.
As the Lord has loved you,
so you also should love
others.
In the end, as a believer,
we want to acknowledge that
we are part genetically with
the fall.
We are part of a conflict-laden
people.
And God has given us
someone to deliver us from
that.
To remove the
enmity between us and
others by restoring us to
God.
We have enemies of
ourselves, of friendship with
the world.
Enemies of our distance from
God that we can actually take
hold of.
And we can go to war over the
devil who looks to draw us from
God and create division.
And we can be those who
pursue a posture of peace,
a posture of forgiveness.
This, friends, in the place of
difficulty, in the place of
conflict, is what the
Christian does when they move
toward peace.
And I hope that has been
helpful to you.
I think we'll have time here for
some questions.
So I do want to field those
questions.
But let me thank you for your
attention during these sessions,
for your attentiveness.
And I'm eager to field some of
these questions.
Yeah, so thank you very much.
Applause
Thank you.