[0:00] All right. Well, everybody wants to go to the Chiefs, so I better get started and finish. Because if the goal is to get me up and down, we might need to go now.
[0:12] I don't know if he realizes that. You know, BK told you I hike molehills, not mountains, where I live. Okay. I want to start off with something I read.
[0:23] We're going to talk about discipline in the home. This is usually a pretty sensitive topic, very difficult topic. And I'm going to throw a lot at you. If you have your Bible, we're going to spend most of our time in Hebrews 12, maybe the most definitive passage in the Bible on the discipline of the Lord in our life.
[0:44] And it is a model for what discipline should look like in our homes. And years ago, I ran across this story that you might enjoy.
[0:54] A couple had two little boys aged 8 and 10 who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble, and their parents knew that. They knew that if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved.
[1:11] So the boy's mother heard that a pastor in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The pastor agreed but asked to see them individually.
[1:22] So the mother sent her 8-year-old first in the morning with the older boy scheduled to see the pastor in the afternoon. The pastor was a huge man with a booming voice.
[1:33] He sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, Where is God? The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open wide-eyed.
[1:45] So the pastor repeated the question in an even sterner tone, Where is God? Again, the boy made no attempt to answer, so the pastor raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, Where is God?
[2:01] The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home, dove into the closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked him, What happened?
[2:12] The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, We are in big trouble this time, dude. God is missing, and they think we did it. All right.
[2:25] Don't send your kids to BK, I guess is the moral of that story. No? Okay. Thomas Sowell, I don't know if you know who Thomas Sowell is. He wrote a book called The Conflict of Visions, and there's a funny line in there that says, Each new generation born is, in effect, an invasion of civilization by little barbarians who must be civilized before it's too late.
[2:49] Probably not completely inaccurate. Our culture is largely failing in that in a spectacular way. And the call in Scripture is to parent against that trend.
[2:59] Just as a reminder, every baby arrives dead in their trespasses and sins. I got to meet little Cohen. Cohen's mom here.
[3:10] What a beautiful little boy. But there's one thing you know about him. What was true about you and I when we arrived, and our children and our grandchildren, is that Ephesians 2, 1 applies.
[3:23] You were dead in your trespasses and sins. And again, that sounds harsh, but it should be somewhat encouraging to you. Nothing you do to your children, spiritually, is going to put them in a worse condition than the way they were delivered to you.
[3:38] Utterly dead in their trespasses and sins. They're incapable on their own to respond to the gospel or the truth of God. You and I are commanded in the Bible, then, to do the seemingly impossible.
[3:51] To train and instruct them in righteousness, truth, the fear of God, wisdom, obedience, and repentance.
[4:02] When the student is, at their most basic level, completely unreceptive. Whether our children are saved or not, we're called to respond to the inevitability of disobedience in their life.
[4:15] Maybe not your children, but my children were disobedient. And the call in Scripture is to respond to that disobedience, and that leads to discipline.
[4:27] But discipline is a subset of a much larger topic. It's called discipleship. And discipleship, it's the same word, in a sense.
[4:37] It speaks to training a child, a deep, loving relationship, and it's imperative as a starting point for biblical discipline. So I want to spend just a few short minutes talking about the discipleship of your children.
[4:52] Discipleship means training. It involves a teacher and a learner. You're the teacher. Your children are the learner. Parenting is a discipleship relationship with each child.
[5:07] And by the way, that relationship will not look the same with two children. Both of those children are different. That relationship will look different. Ephesians 6, 4, a verse you're probably familiar with.
[5:21] Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction. There is the connection. That's the discipleship of the Lord.
[5:32] Discipline and instruction. So what are you teaching? And what are they learning? Well, you've heard it several times now. When you boil it all down, you're teaching them the fear of God, the wisdom of God, and obedience.
[5:48] And then along with that, you are to teach them repentance when they sin. Proverbs 16 says, By loving kindness and truth, iniquity is atoned for, and by the fear of God, one keeps away from evil.
[6:03] That is a truism out of Proverbs. There is a blessing for your children leaving your home knowing who God is and fearing God. Proverbs 19, 23 says, The fear of the Lord leads to life.
[6:17] Psalm 111, 10, The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom. A good understanding have all those who do his commandments. You've heard me quote that before. Deuteronomy 6 is a passage that talks specifically and most directly to the discipleship of children.
[6:34] Verses 1 through 6 talks about our responsibility before the Lord. This is the commandment, Do you hear that connection again?
[7:05] The fear of the Lord, obedience. And this passage presents four generations. It's completely parallel with 2 Timothy 2, 2.
[7:17] The things which you have learned, entrust to faithful men who will entrust it then to others. It's exactly what's happening in this passage. I am telling you what the Lord has commanded me to teach you so that you will entrust to your sons and daughters and then your grandchildren.
[7:38] It's the pattern throughout scripture. And then how do you do that? Deuteronomy 6, 7 says, You shall teach them diligently. So what we're talking about this weekend is a process.
[7:52] It is a diligent process. It is an ongoing process. You teach them diligently to your sons and you talk of them when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down, and when you rise up.
[8:05] That is what discipleship looks like. It is life on life. It is training. It is access that you have to your children that nobody else has.
[8:17] It is influence. So that gives context for the greater mission and brings us now to the difficult topic of discipline in the home. Discipline is a mandatory element of discipleship.
[8:32] We're going to see that in a later session, how you are commanded throughout scripture to respond to sin. It's the process of intense correction, training, and restoration for the benefit of the child.
[8:49] When is discipline necessary? As we're defining discipline, discipline is necessary when there's sin, an issue of sin or an issue of safety. So sin obviously is against God, parents, siblings, and others.
[9:05] What do I mean by safety? Hopefully early in your child's life, you need to be able to trust them that when you say don't run into the street and play in the traffic, they will obey you.
[9:16] The implication is that if they don't obey you, there would be significant harm. So first-time obedience.
[9:27] That starts very early in their life and it transitions pretty quickly, not just being a safety issue, but ultimately what you're dealing with is sin. So let me talk about the typical cycle in a home when sin happens in a child's life.
[9:43] That sin happens. There's some kind of an intervention by the parents. And from there, there is no typical reaction. There might be punishment.
[9:54] There might be an apology from the child. Or there might be an intervention and then we just pretend like that didn't happen and we all move on. Any number of ways that that can look in a home.
[10:08] Let me lay out for you a biblical disobedience cycle, if you will. What is the cycle from a biblical standpoint of when there is sin from the parents' perspective?
[10:22] From the parents' perspective, you have sin, there is intervention, there is discipline, there is forgiveness, and then there is restoration.
[10:32] Okay? And that discipline is correction and training. From the child's perspective, your goal, if you're going to have a biblical home, is that when there is sin, the process looks like this.
[10:49] There is intervention, which is probably concurrent with confession. The goal initially is confession. There's a request for forgiveness.
[11:01] There is a restoration of the relationship. And then there's repentance. Okay? We're going to spend most of our time on the element there of discipline, but I want to spend a few minutes to talk about some other words that I've used.
[11:18] First of all, what is an apology? An apology. I have no idea. And I doubt you can define that either.
[11:30] An apology is a cultural construct that has no biblical equivalent or basis. It has no meaning, which makes it a convenient catch-all.
[11:41] The words, I apologize, is a means to save face and move on from a biblical standpoint.
[11:52] Now, an apology might have a specific meaning in your home. I don't know. But in the culture in general, an apology is a cover-all. It's a whitewash that allows everybody to move on.
[12:05] Now, having said that, I want you to know I occasionally use the word apology or apologize because it is so ingrained in how we think. It is not a biblical term.
[12:17] And I want to use, for the purposes today, very strictly biblical terms. Let's talk about confession and forgiveness. You must train your children in the discipline and humility of confessing sin and asking for forgiveness.
[12:36] That sounds a lot like what? The gospel. If you want your children to understand the gospel, a ready-made platform to teach the gospel without even saying the word gospel is in the context of discipline, to teach your children what confession is, what it looks like, and what it means to ask for forgiveness.
[13:01] Confession is the articulation of sin. Words matter. Eye contact. A child that says, I'm sorry, Mom, without prompting is on the right path.
[13:17] But they're not there yet. What are you sorry for? Confession articulates that sin. Forgiveness introduces the humility and experiencing grace of asking for something from someone who you just wronged.
[13:33] You're asking for forgiveness from somebody who you just sinned against. Sinners need forgiveness, don't we? Sinners also must be forgivers.
[13:47] So that's confession and forgiveness. And it really comes down to 1 John 1.9. If we confess our sins, if we articulate our sins, if we state with understanding that we have sinned, God is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.
[14:06] The pattern there for you and I and the discipline of our children is that we should teach our children to ask for forgiveness and we should grant that forgiveness.
[14:18] And a part of that asking for forgiveness is the skill and the ability to honestly articulate what that sin was.
[14:28] Repentance. Now, then there's the term repentance. Repentance is very important because biblically repentance is when the discipline process is done.
[14:42] When there's sin in your house and you're disciplining your child, when does the process end? When are you done? And biblically, the answer to that is repentance.
[14:56] Repentance. This is what you are hoping for, praying for, working towards. And I don't say praying for lightly. There are discipline issues in your home that aren't over in 10 minutes.
[15:09] It might be 10 days, 10 weeks. It might be a process of dealing with a sin issue over an extended period of time. When is that done? When there's repentance.
[15:21] Repentance. And if that's the case, we have to understand what does repentance mean. The end of discipline is not an apology. It's not tears.
[15:31] It's not confession. It's not punishment. So if there's sin, and let's say there's confession, and you implement a punishment or a discipline as a consequence for that sin, that is not the end of the discipline process.
[15:50] For example, a lying tongue. Hopefully, my daughters won't see this recording because I'm telling stories about them. But we had three errors in our house where we had to deal with a lying tongue.
[16:05] And it corresponded with the fact that we had three daughters. And each of them, at varying lengths and skill and effort, avoided dealing with and repenting of the issue of lying.
[16:21] And one in particular drew it out very long and very painfully. And that, in our house, was the huge illustration that repentance is the end of the process.
[16:35] Not, I'm sorry. Not, I want to go to church. Not, I love you, mom and dad. Not tears. It was when there was no longer a process and a pattern of life where that particular individual lied about everything.
[16:52] If her lips were moving, she was lying. In other words, it's done when a lying tongue is not a pattern of her life. It's not who they are. If you remember that from an earlier session.
[17:06] It's changed behavior. It's the end of the cycle. As a parent, I was always eager for the discipline process to be done. I didn't like it.
[17:16] I'm sure you don't either. It was tempting and easy to hear a confession and be so thrilled that they actually articulated their sin that we threw the party and the process was over.
[17:31] Or to see sorrow expressed even without confession. Or to hear, I am sorry, and respond with, I forgive you. Or to just change the subject, which is really to say and to confess before you, sometimes it was easier just to ignore the sin.
[17:50] That was weak and lazy parenting on my part, and I was also missing an opportunity to train and to teach and correct in a manner that mirrors the Lord's discipline and the gospel message itself.
[18:02] Now, understand that ideal process that I laid out for you and that we're going to talk about. I understand it can't happen every time. When you're in the grocery store, you're probably not going to stand there and say, whoops, you missed the confession part.
[18:17] And to work through the issues in public like that. That's not what I'm saying. But the pattern of discipline in your home should go through that cycle and end with repentance.
[18:28] We need to understand the differences between confession and repentance. Confession can be easy. Repentance is hard because evidence that repentance either backs up the words or the lack of evidence proves that the words were a lie.
[18:47] Confession is the articulation of sin or a wrong committed. Repentance is abandonment of sin, a change of mind and direction, a course change, a repudiation of the sin, a longing for forgiveness and a new direction, embracing the consequences of the sin as just for my good.
[19:12] And an earnestness of restoration making right what is wrong. There's classic passages in the Bible that talk about repentance. And I'm camping on this because it's easy to raise a good confessor.
[19:27] I've known people in my professional career who are really good at articulating their sin. Utterly incapable of turning from that sin.
[19:39] The repentance. Psalm 51. David has been confronted by Nathan over his sins of adultery and murder. And his response in Psalm 51 is classic repentance.
[19:54] 2 Corinthians 7, 7 through 12. You can read that on your own. Paul wrote the first letter to the Corinthians and it was scathing. He called them arrogant, among other things.
[20:05] It was a very severe letter. And in the second letter, he acknowledges their repentance and he describes what their repentance looks like. And if you want to read that, go to 2 Corinthians 7 and read verses 7 through 12.
[20:19] But for the sake of time, I want to take you to a fantastic illustration and a very sad story. If you have your Bible, turn to 1 Samuel 15.
[20:30] There's a lot of things, a lot of story being told in 1 Samuel 15 about Saul, King Saul. But the story I want to focus on, we're going to pass over a lot of what's in 1 Samuel 15.
[20:44] But maybe the saddest, most profound message of 1 Samuel 15 is that Saul sinned and he was confronted four times. He was given four opportunities to make it right.
[20:56] And I want to walk through those with you. 1 Samuel 15, verse 1. Samuel said to Saul, the Lord sent me to anoint you as king over his people, over Israel. Now, therefore, listen to the words of the Lord.
[21:09] Thus says the Lord of hosts. I will punish Amalek for what he did to Israel, how he set himself against him on the way while he was coming up from Egypt.
[21:20] Now, go and strike Amalek and utterly destroy all that he has and do not spare him. But put to death both man and woman, child and infant, ox and sheep, camel and donkey.
[21:35] Did he stutter at all? Any lack of clarity there on what Saul was to do? Couldn't be more clear. It's brutal.
[21:46] It's hard to read. But it is clear. It's a lot of things. But what it isn't is unclear. Saul was told to utterly destroy Amalek and to kill Agag.
[22:04] Well, he partly obeys. He spares Agag's life and the best of the animals, it says in verse 9. Saul and the people spared Agag and the best of the sheep, the ox and the fatling and lambs, and all that was good and were not willing to destroy them utterly.
[22:20] But everything despised and worthless that they utterly destroyed. Is that obedience? Partial obedience is disobedience.
[22:33] It's all disobedience. It's all disobedience. Samuel comes. Samuel's the prophet of the Lord. And it says in verse 10, The word of the Lord came to Samuel, saying, I regret that I have made Saul king, for he has turned back from following me and has not carried out my commands.
[22:50] And Samuel was distressed and cried out to the Lord all night. Got the picture? God goes to Samuel and says he didn't obey.
[23:05] Samuel goes to Saul, and there's a series of confrontations now and a series of confessions, I'll put in quotes, by Saul. And I want you to hear this story, parents, and put yourself in the place of Samuel and put your kids in the place of Saul and see if there's any parallels here.
[23:23] Verse 15, in response to the first confrontation, Saul says, They brought them out from the Amalekites. For the people spared the best of the sheep and oxen to sacrifice to the Lord your God, but the rest we have utterly destroyed.
[23:39] Ever heard that excuse in your home? I got a text message. My granddaughter ran into the house and said, Mommy, Mommy, Jackie did it.
[23:52] There's a dead chicken outside. He did it. Right? I didn't do it. He did it. That's Saul acting like a three-year-old. Verse 20, obviously that first confession is a lie.
[24:08] It's a deflection. Verse 20, After another confrontation, Saul said to Samuel, I did obey the voice of the Lord and went on the mission which the Lord sent me and have brought back Agag, the king of Amalek, and have utterly destroyed the Amalekites.
[24:24] But the people took some of the spoil, sheep and oxen and choices of the things devoted to destruction to sacrifice to the Lord your God at Gilgal. A couple of things going on there.
[24:35] He's separating himself from God. He calls him your God. And he says, I did obey. I went on the mission. And he's making the case that by going on the mission, he's obeying.
[24:48] He's trying to change the terms. Ever happen in your house? Probably not. Verse 22, 23, Samuel confronts him again.
[25:00] Verse 24, Saul's response is, I have sinned. How many of you are done right there? Some parents would love to hear their child say those words.
[25:11] I have sinned. I have indeed transgressed the command of the Lord in your words because I feared the people and listened to their voice. Verse 25, now therefore, please pardon my sin.
[25:24] And return with me that I may worship the Lord. There's confession. And there's a request for forgiveness.
[25:36] And there's a request to go to church. How many of you are done right there? How many of you would love to hear that from your children in the context of confronting sin?
[25:48] But Samuel says in verse 26, said to Saul, I will not return with you for you have rejected the word of the Lord. And the Lord has rejected you from being king over Israel.
[25:59] As Samuel turned to go, Saul seized the edge of his robe and it tore. Saul is now crying. A grown man being emotional.
[26:12] Surely that's what we were waiting for. Verse 30, Saul says, I have sinned. But please honor me now before the elders of my people and before Israel and go back with me that I may worship the Lord your God.
[26:27] He says, I did sin and I desire a restored relationship. He's now covered all the elements, hasn't he? Saul finally confesses the sin, expresses the need for forgiveness.
[26:39] He embraces the consequences of the loss of the kingdom. He lost his kingdom over this sin. And he restores the relationship of Samuel.
[26:50] But he doesn't do the one thing that would have shown true repentance. The discipline of the Lord wasn't done yet. In verse 32, it says, and Samuel said, bring me Agag, king of the Amalekites.
[27:06] And Agag came to him cheerfully. And Agag said, surely the bitterness of death is past. But Samuel said, as your sword has made women childless, so shall your mother be childless among women.
[27:18] And Samuel hewed Agag to pieces before the Lord at Gilgal. You have junior high sons, they love this story. Samuel hacked Agag to pieces.
[27:31] That's what was required of Saul. Why? Because that is what God told Saul to do. That is what would have demonstrated true repentance.
[27:44] Verse 34, then Samuel went to Ramah, but Saul went up to his house at Gibeah of Saul. Samuel did not see Saul again until the day of his death, for Samuel grieved over Saul.
[27:54] And the Lord regretted that he had made Saul king over Israel. The discipline process is done when repentance happens. And repentance is demonstrated when there is complete obedience.
[28:07] Submission to the command. It's a sad story, but a great illustration. And what pulls all this together is Proverbs 28, 13. He who conceals his transgressions will not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes, confesses and repents, will find compassion.
[28:29] Confession, sorrow, tears, a desire for restored relationships are all possible elements and manifestations of repentance, but they do not prove repentance.
[28:43] In fact, these responses can hide a true heart condition. To the extent that someone has these responses trained into them, they can be viewed as repentant when their heart is as hard and cold as stone.
[29:01] It's called raising a Pharisee. A whitewashed wall and a person practiced and adept at manipulation and hypocrisy. The Bible calls out a tomb full of dead men's bones.
[29:14] That is not what should be produced in your home. The elements of true repentance is confession, changed behavior, making right what has been wrong, and then restored relationships.
[29:32] So with that in mind, we go to Hebrews 12. If you're still there, we're going to jump into Hebrews 12 and look at the pattern of Christ's discipline of us as a model for discipline in the home.
[29:47] I'm going to read the passage starting in verse 1. Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.
[30:19] For consider him who has endured such hostility by sinners against himself so that you will not grow weary and lose heart. You have not yet resisted to the point of shedding blood in your striving against sin, and you have forgotten the exhortation which is addressed to you as sons.
[30:39] My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord, nor faint when you are reproved by him. For those whom the Lord loves, he disciplines, and he scourges every son whom he receives.
[30:52] It is for discipline that you endure. Therefore, God deals with you as with sons. For what son is there whom his father does not discipline? But if you are without discipline, of which all have become partakers, then you are illegitimate children and not sons.
[31:08] Furthermore, we had earthly fathers to discipline us, and we respected them. Shall we not much rather be subject to the Father of spirits and live? For they disciplined us for a short time as seemed best to them, but God disciplines us for our good so that we may share his holiness.
[31:27] All discipline for the moment seems not to be joyful but sorrowful. Yet to those who have been trained by it afterwards, it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness.
[31:39] There is a whole lot there. And what I want to do is walk us through really pretty quickly a couple of points, really five elements of biblical discipline that I think if we apply in our home will show, will produce biblical discipline.
[31:58] The first is that biblical discipline is purposeful. There's a purpose to it. And it might not be the purpose that you think. We tend to think of discipline in negative terms.
[32:09] I promise you the children in the room probably do. It's not fun. But biblical discipline is positive in every sense of the term. It's purposeful.
[32:21] It's positive. It's good. And what are those purposes? Well, I read you these. Let me just remind you. Verse 1, we're to lay aside every encumbrance in the sin which so easily entangles us and let us run with endurance.
[32:35] The purpose of discipline is to build endurance in our children, not to win foot races, but endurance in their striving against sin.
[32:47] Verse 3, discipline is so that we will not grow weary and lose heart. Verse 7, it talks about it is for discipline that you endure.
[32:59] Verse 9, it is for our good so that we may share his holiness. Verse 11, it is for training and it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness.
[33:11] And I know I went through that quickly. The point is I want you to go back later and redo that. What are the purposes of discipline in Hebrews chapter 12?
[33:23] It's so that we're trained. We're not thrown into the game without preparation. It's to share in God's holiness and his righteousness. It produces peace.
[33:34] It produces righteousness, strength, and courage so that they won't lose heart. It is for life, it says. It's for our good. It's not.
[33:45] The process of discipline is not to create, in my home, three little mini-me's, three human beings that think like me, that like what I like, that vote the way I think they should vote, that make choices the way I think they should make choices.
[34:01] That is not the purpose of discipline. It is not to remove annoyances and interruptions, and it's not to create three little servants that when I say jump, they say how high for my convenience and my enjoyment.
[34:17] That is not the purpose of discipline. We always need to think through the purpose and evaluate the effectiveness of the discipline in our home according to the criteria of what God says the purpose of discipline is.
[34:35] Are we seeing training? Are we seeing holiness? Are we seeing peace? Most people wouldn't associate the discipline process with peace.
[34:45] That's biblical discipline. Are we seeing endurance and stamina growing in their striving against sin? Are we seeing in our children that they are not growing weary and losing heart in their striving against sin?
[35:02] Your child should hear you speak about the purpose of discipline. And obviously, everything I say here, you have to adjust for the age of your children. A six-month-old probably isn't going to understand that.
[35:13] A six-year-old is going to start to understand that. You should talk about the purpose of discipline. Also, you need to remember that discipline is based in the knowledge and relationship with your child.
[35:27] You need to know them better than anybody else. You need to know where they are at in their striving against sin. And your children need to know that you're for them, that the discipline process is not for your benefit.
[35:41] It's for theirs. Second, biblical discipline is serious. First, it's purposeful. Second, it is serious. We are talking about serious things here.
[35:54] A discipline process is not random. It's not emotional. It's designed to deal with serious issues, sin, and to produce serious results, righteousness.
[36:09] There is not anything on this earth more serious than those two things. If your discipline is dealing with anything else, then you have to examine what you're doing, because whatever it is, it's not biblical discipline.
[36:24] Verse 4, just a reminder, it says you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding blood and you're striving against sin. That's why this is serious.
[36:36] Verse 5, my son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord. In the same way, you need to require that your children do not regard lightly your discipline of them.
[36:51] God has delegated the authority to you, as we talked about this morning. And an idea that we found in our homework is when you observe a sinful pattern in your child, it's probably really good to pull back and talk.
[37:12] Mom and dad, how are we going to attack this? How are we going to address this? Coordinate, discuss, pray, plan, and then reassess.
[37:24] If you cannot articulate the specific sin that's being addressed, you might not be ready yet to impose discipline, because what you're addressing, according to the Bible, is a sin issue.
[37:37] And it may be that you're disciplining to produce a personality change or a preference change, in which case you really need to think about that.
[37:48] That pattern diminishes and confuses the serious nature of discipline. If your child cannot articulate the sin, you cannot say that confession has happened.
[38:01] And if confession hasn't happened, then you can't expect repentance. So there has to be an understanding of all parties involved, what is the sin issue that we're addressing. And again, I need to say this one more time.
[38:15] This isn't necessarily appropriate for a three-year-old. But at the appropriate age, when you start having these conversations and your children are cognizant of their sin, they need to know that you're on their side, that you are helping them in their struggle against sin.
[38:33] Maybe not in the way they would choose, but in the way that God has ordained that battle to happen. Third, biblical discipline is private.
[38:47] It's intimate. It's a function of love, concern, compassion, and relationship. And it happens privately in the context of a loving relationship.
[39:00] Discipline in the context of the home is as normal as everything else that happens in the context of the home. It is in the context and culture of a loving family, and it is also a tool when describing expectations for behavior.
[39:19] All of this happens in the womb, if you will, of the home, the safety of the home. And why do I say that? Well, from verses 5 to 9, there are 10 references to familial relationships.
[39:32] You heard me read it. Verse 7, It talks about if you are without discipline, you are illegitimate children and not sons.
[40:00] So it goes on and on and on. 10 references to the parent-child relationship. It's an intimate relationship. And by the way, it's not a reference to family from the standpoint of rank.
[40:15] It's talking about family from the standpoint of relationship and intimacy. There's a transparency and a closeness in a family that's not replicated anywhere else.
[40:25] Discipline is a fact of life for everyone. God, in Hebrews 12, is presenting his loving discipline, the evidence of his love being the discipline for those whom he does love, and it is being compared to home and saying it's just normal.
[40:47] That's normal occurrence in a home. Discipline by parents is a confirmation or a proof of familial love.
[41:00] Your child should know that you love them, by the way. You should say it, and you should mean it. They will not believe you at times. They will tell you they don't believe you at times.
[41:11] Say it anyway. Your children should understand that you also are subject to discipline yourself. That's what Hebrews 12 is really about, the Lord's discipline of you and me.
[41:25] They should hear from you about that discipline, that that discipline is in the context of the love of a loving God, just as your discipline of them is in the context of your love for them.
[41:38] You are for them. And discipline is so normal in the private, intimate context of the home that it shouldn't, that process shouldn't be so significant every time that it paralyzes your child or paralyzes the home.
[41:55] The goal is that discipline happens. It has its desired effect, and you move on. That's the goal. That's God's discipline of us. Children should expect consequences when they've sinned, by the way, in the home.
[42:14] They should be reminded that they made the choice that led to discipline. You didn't do anything to them. You're responding to them. And in most situations where I'm asked about a rebellious teenager, close relationship is the issue as much as anything else, and it is a long road to recover that relationship as a platform to exercise biblical discipline.
[42:39] Love, intimacy, and discipline go together. Number four, biblical discipline is painful. No pain, no gain.
[42:52] Ever heard of that? In a culture that says pain is bad, the Bible says that pain is good. It's not fun. It's not enjoyable.
[43:04] It is not effective because it is pain, but it is in the context of biblical discipline. It's necessary. Proverbs 22, 15 says, Foolishness is bound up in the heart of the child.
[43:19] The rod of discipline will remove it far from him. Proverbs 23, 13. Do not hold back discipline from the child. Although you strike him with the rod, he will not die.
[43:32] You shall strike him with the rod and rescue his soul from sheol or hell. Proverbs 29, the rod and reproof give wisdom, but a child who gets his own way brings shame to his mother.
[43:49] Hebrews 12, 5. My son, don't regard lightly the discipline of the Lord, nor faint when you are reproved by him. Why would you faint? Because sometimes that discipline is hard.
[44:02] It hurts. It's difficult. Verse 6, For those whom the Lord loves, he disciplines and he scourges or plagues, blight, curse.
[44:14] Those are similar terms. The God who loves you scourges those whom he receives. That loving, kind God that we like to focus on will plague you, will blight you, will curse you, will be and put a thorn in your side for the purpose of discipline, correction, and training to produce peace and righteousness.
[44:43] It's a little bit different picture of God than we like to think about sometimes. Discipline is not pleasant. It's not designed to be. And some of that pain comes from the person who is administering the discipline, the Lord who loves you, and a broken relationship.
[45:01] And then Hebrews 12, verse 12, Strengthen the hands that are weak and the knees that are feeble, and make straight paths for your feet so that the limb which is lame may not be put out of joint, but rather be healed.
[45:18] This is speaking about a broken bone, the limb that is broken. And the purpose of discipline is to strengthen or set straight, to set that bone.
[45:33] And you know how to mend a broken bone, I would imagine. I will never forget, and I always think of it when I get to this point, talking about discipline, I think of my nephew.
[45:45] He was playing football, and he played quarterback, and he was playing on a team that was meeting with great success. So he was handing the ball off and passing the ball, and everybody else was scoring the touchdowns.
[45:59] So the coach called my sister one week and said, Hey, I just want you to know that this Friday night, if the game goes like we think it's going to go, I'm going to call James' number because I want him to score a touchdown.
[46:12] And I want you to know that that's going to happen. I'll send you a signal from the sideline when you see me do this, whatever it was. I want you and your family to all come down to the goal line.
[46:22] James doesn't know we're going to do this, so you can watch him score his touchdown. It was pretty neat. So we got the signal. We all go running down to the sideline. We're standing right on the goal line, and here comes James on an end around, wide open, nobody touches him, steps across the goal line, and we heard this horrendous crack and another snap.
[46:44] And then we heard James scream like I had never heard him scream. Both bones in his lower leg had snapped completely clean. His leg was hanging by whatever was left.
[46:56] So the ambulance comes, and they load him up, and I guess the good thing is we had pictures and video of James breaking his leg in two with nobody touching him.
[47:07] They put him in the back of the ambulance, and they rush him off to the hospital, and, of course, we all go down to the hospital. This is a big deal. And my sister goes in there, and we could hear James.
[47:21] It was awful, because what they were doing was taking those bones and sliding them back together. And my sister jumped on the bed and said, Stop it.
[47:33] You're hurting my son. Give him a pain pill, and I'll take him home. You think that's what she did? No. She had to stand there and watch.
[47:45] We all had to listen. As they took those bones and slid them back together, stop and took x-rays and said, Oops, we didn't get it exactly right. We've got to slide it back the other way. Take another set of x-rays.
[47:58] Okay, that bone's good. The next bone isn't quite set right. Slide those bones. Do you get the feeling? That's the picture of Hebrews 12. That's the picture, is that you have to set the bones.
[48:12] My sister would have liked to have jumped on the bed and said, No more. Give him a pain killer. I'm taking him home. Her husband is a doctor, so I don't think he would have let her. But so many parents train and discipline that way.
[48:27] They see their child feeling the pain, the scourging of discipline. And so many parents will do anything to stop that pain.
[48:39] Just give me the pain pill. Let's just pretend the lesson's learned. Let's just move on. That's not biblical discipline. And I'm not saying you create pain for pain's sake.
[48:52] But what I am saying is part of the discipline of the Lord is that he will supersede our discipline. And I remember watching our daughters go through processes of discipline that we didn't really have a lot to do with.
[49:06] Other people in their life were very instrumental in that. Bringing pain should cause you pain. There's no doubt about that.
[49:18] It will be hard. It must be done. You ever heard the phrase, this is hurting me more than it's hurting you? That's probably true for a parent. Ignoring sin is not a virtue.
[49:32] It's lazy parenting. You must be willing to be the orthopedic surgeon. Pain is physical when they're young. If you follow the Bible's direction of using the rod.
[49:46] But there's a certain place, and pretty much by four or five years old, that was done in our house. And the pain is not physical. It's separation, isolation, restriction.
[49:58] And do not forget consequences. There's always consequences. You don't want to protect or cover your children from the consequences of their sin and foolishness.
[50:14] This stunts growth. Healing broken bones with painkillers. Okay? Number five. And finally, biblical discipline is brief.
[50:27] We've seen that biblical discipline is purposeful. You need to understand the purpose of discipline. You need to understand that it is serious, which, by the way, necessarily maybe limits the issues that you deal with.
[50:40] You're dealing with sin, not preference, not your convenience. We're seeing that it happens in the intimacy of family relationship.
[50:51] It is painful at times. And number five, it's brief. You have a very short few years to train and teach your children. And within that time frame, extended and prolonged periods of tension and conflict are not biblical.
[51:12] Grounding for a month, you're grounded for life, is not biblical discipline. There is a process of there is sin, there is intervention, there is a request, there is a confession, a request for forgiveness.
[51:26] Forgiveness is granted. The relationship is restored. And repentance might be a hanging issue. Sometimes repentance takes weeks, months, but the relationship restoration doesn't wait for that.
[51:43] That painful process of discipline is short. And the results of the discipline process, which is repentance, may take some time. But once it's achieved, it's over.
[51:57] Hebrews 12.10 says, for they, meaning our fathers, disciplined us for a short time, as they seem best to them, but he disciplines us for our good, so that we may share his holiness.
[52:09] All discipline for the moment, meaning short term. For the moment seems not to be joyful, but sorrowful. Yet to those who have been trained by it, afterwards it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness.
[52:22] It's short term, long term. But the implications and the results of biblical discipline is long term. Righteousness. Your child should know there's a discipline process with a beginning and an end.
[52:36] The discipline process should not be drawn out. And I understand that I've thrown a lot at you here. I think you need to think this through, plan it to be purposeful, and be effective.
[52:50] And how do you know it's biblical? biblical? Because it works. It produces peace and righteousness. So biblical discipline is not to inflict injury or to hurt as an end.
[53:05] It's not retribution. It's not payback for your inconvenience or your pain. It's not a process to create little humans that think and act like you. It's not a process to create little human beings that make you look good.
[53:20] It's not a process to create a pod of servants that are trained to get you what you want when you want it. And it's also not to be angry or an emotional expression of a parent.
[53:36] Biblical discipline is purposeful. Must always be in pursuit of a purpose. The good of your child, their holiness, their righteousness, their peace, their training, their instruction.
[53:49] It is for your child's good and not yours. It is positive. It is affirming. It is pain with a purpose when that's necessary and it produces results. And by the way, finally, biblical discipline is mandatory.
[54:06] This is how we are to discipline our children in the process of discipleship. Let's pray. Lord, we thank you for your word.
[54:16] Lord, thank you for the truth of Hebrews 12. Thank you for the example of David and Saul and others that illustrate for us what repentance looks like and what it doesn't look like.
[54:29] Lord, I pray for each of the parents in this room that they would take what we've talked about here and soberly think about it, pray about it, consider what's happening in their home.
[54:41] Lord, I pray that you would affirm those who are in the battle that are in the process of discipling and disciplining their children. Give them strength. Give them grace. Encourage their hearts.
[54:53] And Lord, where any of us need to conform the practices of our home to what your word says, I pray that you give us the grace and the ability to do that. We pray in Christ's name.
[55:05] Amen. Amen. Amen. Amen. Amen. Amen.